The Liam Smith Show
Episode 3.23 - "Donner's Big Boner"
Written by Jason Donner
INT. A PSYCHATRIST'S OFFICE
DONNER is lying on a couch in the middle of a session while
an attractive female psychiatrist, DOCTOR MONA L. WATUR.
DOCTOR MONA
Well, from what I've been reading
in US News, it's been quite a week
for you, Mister Donner.
DONNER
That's putting it lightly.
DOCTOR MONA
Do you want to talk about it?
DONNER
No, I just thought I'd let your
hundred dollar an hour fee go to us
chatting about the Nicks.
DOCTOR MONA
Aggressive. But that's
understandable.
DONNER
It's because I was toilet trained
too early, isn't it? DAMN YOU,
MOTHER!
DOCTOR MONA
Actually, I'm not a Fruedian. I
believe that our personal demons
come from the inside. You've just
been through an ordeal and I
thought maybe you'd like to discuss
your feelings.
DONNER
My feelings? Well, as you know, my
company, DonCo, wasn't doing too
well since Capeman up and left.
There were bad investments, lousy
deals, a four picture deal with
Freddy Prince, jr. It seemed like
a good idea at the time but let me
tell you, the kid's like box office
poison! Did you see Summer Catch?
Yeeeeech! And to make matters
worse, this Chinese spy stole a top
secret helicopter I'd been
developing for the government.
DOCTOR MONA
I see.
DONNER
But I woke up a couple of weeks
after that and came up with an
idea... Something that would make
me a contender again and show
Capehead than I didn't need him to
succeed...
RIPPLE DISSOLVE
TO:
INT. DONCO INDUSTRIES - DAYS EARLIER
Donner enters the large factory which is producing copies of
Kari Wuhrer's Sex Trek: Big Erection and various other
questionable commodities such as children's toys named
"Johnny Switchblade" and "Flammable Freddy" and "Uncle
Grabby's Bag O' Glass". There is "Rooster of the Sea Tuna:
Now with 5 percent less Dolphin!" and "Pink Bunny's Scissors
for Toddlers". Donner walks up to a man in a white coat and
we see that it's DOCTOR FRANK N. STIEN from "The Big Ones:
Part Two".
DONNER
Doctor Stien! What's going on in
my little corporate empire today?
Whatcha got for me?
DOCTOR STIEN
Well, Mister Donner, sir... I've
almost gotten project "F*ck
Capeman" up to specs.
DONNER
Indeedy?
DOCTOR STIEN
Yes, the only problem is, it's got
an eighty percent mortality rate.
DONNER
Is that good or bad?
DOCTOR STIEN
It depends on how you feel about
your body getting turned inside out
and cooked like an overdone potato.
DONNER
So, we'll let's chalk that up to
the "bad" category, shall we?
DOCTOR STIEN
Yes sir, I'll bring that mortality
rate down through months of
rigorous research and testing
and...
DONNER
Aw, forget Operation: F*ck Capeman,
Frankie... I've got a better idea
cooked up in my cranium. What do
you know about male impotence?
Doctor Stien slumps.
DOCTOR STIEN
Just that it is a dark, dark blot
on the tapestry of your life and
makes you worthless as a man. It
takes you and wrings all of the
pride out of you, making you a
bland unfeeling wretched creature
that longs for...
DONNER
(impatient)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. Look,
Frankie... What would you say if
I've... Ahem... "Acquired" the
formula for an ancient South
American herbal impotence cure that
has a 99.9999 percent success rate.
DOCTOR STIEN
It would be a long-needed silver
lining to the dark cloud of my... I
mean, a man's life. It would be
salvation, a life-altering
medicine... Or at least I think it
would for impotent men.
DONNER
Well, I've got it. Sure, I had to
lay off cutting down that little
stretch of rainforest in the
Amazon, but the rewards from this
little formula will be well worth
it.
Donner holds up a vile of green glowing fluid.
DOCTOR STIEN
What is it?
DONNER
The natives called it
Uwannahumpylottatyme... I Never
caught what the translation is, but
this stuff is the most amazing
impotence remedy in the world.
Made from the bark of the Tallest
PeiPei Wood Tree, the skin
secrection of the staff frog, and
the fungus that grows on the stem
of the purple-headed toadstool...
This concoction could firm up a
ninety year old.
DOCTOR STIEN
Is it safe?
DONNER
Of course it's safe. It's all
natural. I say we put it in gel
caps and sell it to the impotent
clods of the world. People won't
even remember what the hell Viagra
is when I'm done spicing up their
bedroom life!
DOCTOR STIEN
What are we going to call it?
DONNER
Hmmm... Good question. It has to
be medical sounding... Something
professional...
(he thinks)
How about "Doctor Donner's Amazing
Pecker Potion"?
DOCTOR STIEN
Needs work.
DONNER
Well, don't worry about it,
Frankie... I'm sure we'll come up
with something before this pill
hits stores.
(a beat)
Next week.
DOCTOR STIEN
WHAT!?
EXT. A DRUG STORE
A cardboard cut-out of Donner giving a thumbs up and holding
a bottle of pills is put in the window along with a sign that
says: "NOW IN STOCK! DONCO'S AMAZING IMPOTENCE CURE,
STIFFIEDIX!" The camera pulls back to reveal Senestra
Malevolous.
SENESTRA
Well, at least this'll make people
forget about P.E.N.I.S. for a
while.
FADE OUT:
--------------------
THEME SONG (Sung to the theme of "My Ding-a-ling")
There once was this guy,
who was very rich.
No one liked him,
he was a son of a bitch.
He had lots of dough,
he had lots of fame,
the only thing missing,
was a little bit of brain!
It's a DONNER EPISODE!
A DONNER EPISODE!
It's about damn time for a DONNER EPISODE!
A DONNER EPISODE!
A DONNER EPISODE!
I hope you enjoy this DONNER EPISODE!
Olé!
--------------------
Starring
Dian Bachar
as
"Liam Smith"
John Rhys-Davies
as
"Professor Arturo"
Seann William Scott
as
"Thad Coffey"
and
Robert Floyd
as
"Bippo the Clown"
Also Starring
Jason Donner
as
"Donner"
and
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog
Guest Starring
Famke Janssen
as
"Doctor Mona Watur"
Kenneth Braggah
as
"Doctor Frank N. Stein"
and
Bo Derek
as
"Melody"
Today's episode brought to you by a dirty mind and a day's exposure to paint fumes
INT. UPDA CREEK LOBBY
ARTURO enters concealing something under his arm. He runs
and hides behind a chair, then runs for cover under his desk.
Next, he rolls out and jumps behind a large potted plant.
BIPPO is standing there.
BIPPO
Hi, professor!
ARTURO
GAH! What are you doing back here?
BIPPO
Hey, when nature calls, you can't
put it on hold. I've tried.
ARTURO
I'll overlook this gross misuse of
the restroom facilities if you
promise to tell no one that I was
ever here.
BIPPO
You got it, professor.
Arturo sneaks off.
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT
Thad and Liam are playing a board game.
LIAM
You know, I would have expected the
home version of Survivor to be a
bit more exciting.
THAD
I guess that's why they call it a
"bored game". All right, let's try
it again and see who the tribe
voted to win the game.
Liam takes a couple of slips of paper out of a jar.
LIAM
That's one vote for you... And one
vote for me. It's a tie again.
THAD
DAMMIT! We've been playing this
stupid game for three hours! I
feel like we're doing nothing but
wasting time!
LIAM
Re-vote?
THAD
Re-vote.
(a beat)
I'm gonna beat you this time.
Bippo enters.
BIPPO
Guys, guess where the professor
wasn't today?
THAD
Say what?
BIPPO
The professor wasn't somewhere
today. Where do you think he was,
or should I say, wasn't?
LIAM
You're not making any sense.
BIPPO
Well, let's just say that if the
professor happened to be sneaking
around somewhere today... Which he
wasn't, because he wasn't there,
don't you think that would be a bit
of juicy gossip?
LIAM
Was the professor sneaking around?
BIPPO
You said it, not me... But since
you asked... Yes.
THAD
You don't think he's doing another
one of those experiments like he
did when he brought that evil Anti
You from another dimension, do you?
LIAM
Who cares about that!? I'm just
afraid that he's going to knock out
the power again, and with Kari
Wuhuer's movie, "Forrest Hump"
coming on tonight, that's a chance
I'm not going to take!
Liam stands.
LIAM
Come, Thad! Let's go stop that mad
man!
THAD
But the game!
LIAM
Of course, the re-vote...
Liam takes the votes out of the jar.
LIAM
One vote for Bippo and another vote
for Bippo... Bippo wins. But, how?
BIPPO
Let's just say that you're more
likely to find the missing Florida
ballots than figure that out, now
come on!
Thad and Liam slump and then shuffle out the door.
INT. ARTURO'S APARTMENT
Arturo silently enters through the door and looks around,
still hiding something under his arm. He tip-toes to his
bedroom door when TRIUMPH THE INSULT COMIC DOG enters.
TRIUMPH
How's it hanging, professor?
ARTURO
WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY...!? Er, I
mean, it's fine Triumph.
TRIUMPH
A little jumpy, eh? Did you have a
hard day?
ARTURO
I DON'T... ER, I mean no. It was a
fine day.
TRIUMPH
Watcha got there, fat boy?
ARTURO
Stifiedix.
(a beat)
I mean... That is I... Oh, hell.
TRIUMPH
You're taking Stifiedix? The
greatest wang pill ever invented?
For me to poop on? Whatever for?
Does a chili cheese dog not cause
the same burning in your loins?
ARTURO
It's not that, you dastardly dog!
I've... Met someone.
TRIUMPH
YOU!
ARTURO
Oh, her name is Melody and her name
is the song that angels sing. Her
lips as red as the red red rose,
her skin as white as snow, her hair
as black as ebony and her whoo
whoos are the kind you just want to
stick your face in and go buluh
buluh-buluh!
(a beat)
Jesus, I've been hanging around
with the guys too long.
TRIUMPH
Ah, and you're taking Stifiedix
because your... Ahem... Diploma
isn't as straight as it used to be.
ARTURO
Don't you tell a soul, understand?
TRIUMPH
Oh, you can count on me, professor,
but what about them?
Triumph points with his paw. Arturo turns around and sees
Liam, Thad, and Bippo sitting on his couch listening.
ARTURO
GAH! How the HELL do you people DO
that?
LIAM
(smirks)
Simple. I'm really Capeman.
BIPPO
So, the professor's in love?
(sings)
The professor and Melody sitting in
a tree... F-U-C...
THAD
I especially liked the part about
the whoo-whoos.
ARTURO
I'm so humiliated.
LIAM
Oh, come on professor. This isn't
nearly as humiliating as the time
your nut got twisted.
THAD
You're really going to take
something that came out of Donner's
factory? Doesn't that seem like a
little... Suicidal?
ARTURO
Normally, I would agree... But
Stiffiedix is different. It's all
natural. Sure, Donner being the
bottom feeding profit monger he is,
put 60 percent sawdust filler in
the pills, but I could use the
fiber as well.
Arturo takes out a Stiffiedix pill and holds it up. It's
about the size of a peach pit.
TRIUMPH
That's a big pill!
ARTURO
Certainly it is, but my dear sweet
Melody is worth it.
Arturo puts the pill in his mouth and swallows.
ARTURO
Wonderful! Now, if you'll excuse
me... My dear Melody awaits!
Arturo goes out the door.
LIAM
I'll see what's in the fridge.
TRIUMPH
I'll invite the bitches.
THAD
I'll make some long distance calls.
BIPPO
I'll go try on his clothes.
RIPPLE DISSOLVE
TO:
INT. A PSYCHATRIST'S OFFICE
Donner is lying on the couch as Doctor Mona looks on.
DOCTOR MONA
Uh... What does this have to do
with anything? We're here to talk
about you, not people you happen to
know.
DONNER
Yes, I know and believe me, myself
is my favorite subject. All of our
paths were about to cross as they
almost always unfortunately do.
RIPPLE DISSOLVE
TO:
INT. DONCO INDUSTRIES
Donner is sitting in his office looking at stock reports on
his computer as Doctor Stien looks on.
DONNER
DonCo stock is up 500 percent, a
lot like the manhoods of several
million men across this great
nation thanks to you, Doctor Stein.
DOCTOR STIEN
It was nothing, I assure you. Now,
about Project F*ck Capeman.
DONNER
I told you, don't worry about
Project F*ck Capeman. Stiffiedix
has made me a multibillionare
again! No more getting snubbed by
the billionaire at the yacht club
just because I slipped to 999
million, oh no... Now, they will
rue the day. Total rueage.
DOCTOR STIEN
But I really think that Project
F*ck Capeman is worth pursuing.
DONNER
Jeeze, what do I have to do?
Staple a piece of paper with the
word "NO" on your forehead?
There is a knock at the door.
DONNER
Yo?
Officers TOOTY and SUNDAY enter. Sunday's head is angled at
an obviously uncomfortable angle.
DONNER
Guys, the dougnut shop is two
blocks down.
TOOTY
We're aware of that.
SUNDAY
But the eclairs across town are
better.
TOOTY
We're here to question you about a
series of neck injuries across
town.
SUNDAY
A lot like mine.
TOOTY
Currently being experienced by
millions of people across the
United States.
DONNER
What does this have to do with me?
TOOTY
All of the victims has one thing in
common. They were all impotent.
Everyone looks at Sunday.
SUNDAY
It's true. I'm as soft as a jar of
cold bacon fat.
TOOTY
They were also taking your drug,
Stiffiedix.
DOCTOR STIEN
You think that there's a link
between neck injures and my... I
mean, our impotence drug?
TOOTY
We can't prove it.
SUNDAY
The ingredients are all natural.
TOOTY
The sap of the Mourning Wood.
SUNDAY
The blood of an Anaconda.
TOOTY
And so on...
SUNDAY
...and so forth.
TOOTY
We'll find the connection.
SUNDAY
We assure you.
TOOTY
Now, if you'll excuse us.
SUNDAY
I have an appointment with a
chiropractor.
They exit. Donner and Doctor Stien look at each other.
DOCTOR STIEN
Maybe we should issue a recall?
DONNER
Tuh! As if! Come on, Frankie...
one or two or a thousand crooked
necks do not a recall call for.
DOCTOR STIEN
Isn't that a tad disingenuous?
DONNER
I see you haven't met my lawyer.
A man in a suit enters.
MAN
Hi. I'm Tad Disingenuous: Attorney
at Law.
DONNER
He's good.
INT. A PSYCHATRIST'S OFFICE
As before, Donner is lying down on the couch as Doctor Mona
jots down notes.
DOCTOR MONA
And what did you do when you found
out what they suspected about
Stiffiedix?
DONNER
Well, I was about to burn down the
factory, stash all my assets into a
Swiss bank account, and change my
name, but something about the fact
that I invented something that hurt
people bothered me in a way I've
never been bothered before.
DOCTOR MONA
You were guilty, it's perfectly
normal.
Donner sits up and looks at her.
DONNER
Have we just met?
DOCTOR MONA
What did you do next?
Donner lies back down.
DONNER
I went to go seek the council of
the smartest person I knew.
DOCTOR MONA
A mentor?
DONNER
No. He's more like a guy I learn
stuff from.
RIPPLE DISSOLVE
TO:
INT. ARTURO'S APARTMENT
Donner enters through a broken door. The house is a huge
mess as beer bottles are thrown all over the place and
clothing hangs on all the furniture and fixtures.
DONNER
Hello? Professor Arturo?
Arturo enters from the back wearing a robe.
ARTURO
Ah, Mister Donner, such a pleasure
to see you!
DONNER
Huh?
ARTURO
To what do I owe the pleasure?
DONNER
Who are you and what have you done
with Professor Arturo?
ARTURO
Oh, what are you on about Don-Don?
It's a beautiful morning, the sky
is clear, the sun is shining, and
the future is filled with promise.
DONNER
What the hell is wrong with you?
You're usually all gruff and mean
and "what the hell are you doing
here, you miscreant" when you see
me. Now you're all, like, happy
and prancy and it looks like you've
let off a lot of steam and...
An older, but beautiful woman comes out of Arturo's bedroom.
This is, of course, MELODY. Donner looks at her then at the
professor and grins.
DONNER
Professor! You dog, you!
MELODY
I have to go now, Maxy-Poo, but
I... Oh, who's your friend?
ARTURO
Melody, this is Donner.
MELODY
Oh, the rich jackass you're always
talking about.
ARTURO
That's the guy.
MELODY
(to Donner)
Well, it's a pleasure to meet you.
Max, I'll see you tonight.
Melody exits.
DONNER
Dizzam, professor I never knew you
were a player! A Jukebox, maybe,
but not a player.
ARTURO
What do you want?
DONNER
Okay, I need some advise.
ARTURO
Shoot.
DONNER
You know that drug, Stiffiedix?
ARTURO
(a beat)
I'm aware of it.
DONNER
Well, it's made by my company and I
just learned that there's some
strange... Let's just call them
side-effects involved.
ARTURO
(goes white)
Side effects? Nothing harmful, I
hope.
DONNER
Oh, no... It's just some muscle
spasms in the neck. Still, people
are getting hurt over something I
made and I don't want that... Or,
more importantly, the lawsuits.
Arturo walks over and grabs Donner's shoulders.
ARTURO
Listen to me very carefully, rich
boy. Under no circumstances do you
take Stiffiedix off the market, do
you understand?
DONNER
Uh, okay... But what about the
people with the neck pain?
ARTURO
F*CK THE PEOPLE WITH THE NECK PAIN!
DONNER
Whoa!
Melody re-enters.
MELODY
I forgot my purse.
Arturo turns his head quickly.
ARTURO
What?
(CRUNCH!)
GAH!
Arturo grabs his neck in pain.
MELODY
Maxy?
ARTURO
OH MY GOD! IT HURTS!
DONNER
What hurts?
ARTURO
My neck, I've done something to my
neck!
DONNER
Wait a minute... Pretty girl,
relaxed professor, hurt neck...
This is all starting to come
together.
Liam, Thad, and Bippo enter.
LIAM
What's all that racket?
DONNER
The professor hurt his neck.
Arturo gets up. His neck is now stuck at a weird angle.
ARTURO
Sweet Jesus, boy! What have you
done to me!?
DONNER
I didn't force that pill down your
throat, fat boy! Besides, all the
ingredients are natural and safe!
Test them yourself if you want!
MELODY
I think I'll do just that!
DONNER
Fine, you can use the labs at
DonCo, but I'm telling you... It's
not the pills that are doing this!
MELODY
Let's go, Maxy!
BIPPO
All right, Road trip!
INT. DONCO INDUSTRIES
Donner, Melody, Arturo, and Liam enters the empty factory.
DONNER
I've got a bad feeling about this.
LIAM
Your drug?
DONNER
No, letting Thad and Bippo park my
Lexus.
LIAM
Well, it did save us having to walk
across the parking lot.
They go to a table where several ingredients are in different
beakers.
DONNER
Here's where we mix the all natural
ingredients for Stiffiedix. Check
them yourself if you want but
you'll find that it's all
copacetic. Professor, I'll explain
everything to your friend and you
can take notes.
ARTURO
What do I look like, you secretary?
DONNER
The only thing you have in common
with MY secretary is enormous
breasts.
Arturo is about to respond when Thad and Bippo enter.
DONNER
Tell me you two didn't destroy my
car.
THAD
Not in the least. We even topped
off the gas tank, sent it through a
car wash, and had the it waxed.
All as an apology for blowing up
and mangling all your other cars.
DONNER
(shocked)
W-Well, thank you.
BIPPO
I even put the top down to air her
out. Yep, she's a beaut.
Bippo tosses him the keys as he and Thad walk off to another
part of the factory.
DONNER
(to Liam)
I'll be damned. I guess they're
not as brain-dead as I thought they
were.
LIAM
They're nice guys, Donner. You
just have to get used to them.
DONNER
I guess so.
(a beat)
Wait a minute... Put my top down?
I don't HAVE a convertible!
Donner runs to the window.
DONNER
(looks out window)
Son of a BITCH!
Arturo and Melody have been going over the data from the
ingredients.
ARTURO
Well, as amazing as it sounds,
Mister Donner was telling the
truth. There's nothing in here
that would cause a neck spasm.
MELODY
Then what's causing it?
ARTURO
I don't have the foggiest, but it
MUST be related to Stiffiedix!
Liam is listening when he knocks over a bottle of Stiffiedix
spilling the contents over the desk.
DONNER
Liam, you klutz!
LIAM
Sorry.
Melody picks up a pill.
MELODY
Is THIS a Stiffiedix pill?
DONNER
Yep, that's the 30 dollar a pill
miracle right there. Liam just
spilled about 2 grand worth of
boner medicine there. Expect the
bill soon.
MELODY
It's a little big, isn't it?
DONNER
Like you wouldn't believe... Oh,
you mean the pill? Well, this is
America, sweetheart, and bigger is
better. That's why I put the pill
on the market in the first place!
MELODY
Max, did you have trouble
swallowing this pill?
ARTURO
A little.
MELODY
Well, that's the problem.
LIAM
What's the problem?
MELODY
This pill is very hard to swallow,
it gets stuck in the esophagus and,
therefore, since it is a male
impotence cure, it results in a
stiff neck.
A long pause.
LIAM
A stiff neck?
MELODY
A stiff neck.
LIAM
Well, that would explain things.
There is an explosion from the next room.
DONNER
What the HELL!?
Everyone runs to the source of the explosion.
INT. DONCO INDUSTRIES - ANOTHER ROOM
There is a bright light coming from an open doorway as Liam,
Donner, Melody, and the professor round the corner. Thad and
Bippo fly out of the room and land against the other side of
the wall. Thad and Bippo run for it and join the others who
have flattened themselves up against the wall.
DONNER
What the HELL did you two do!?
THAD
It wasn't us! It was this creepy
doctor guy!
BIPPO
Yeah, he fired up this machine and
all hell broke loose. I'm not
sure, but I think he's nucking
frazy!
DONNER
Blast! Doctor Stien! He's trying
to use Operation F*ck Capeman for
himself!
ARTURO
Operation F*ck Capeman?
DONNER
A contingency plan, professor.
Since I didn't have a superhero to
manage anymore, I was going to see
if I could create one... You know,
like that big green idiot who got
caught in the gamma rays or that
really fast guy in the red pajamas
who got all those chemicals spilled
on him! I told Doctor Stien to
kill this project because it had a
good chance to kill whoever it was
used on!
LIAM
Did you say Doctor Stien?
DONNER
Yeah, so?
LIAM
Doctor Frank N. Stien?
DONNER
Oh, you know him?
LIAM
Yeah, he works for Senestra
Malevolous.
EVERYONE
WHAT!?
INT. OPERATION F*CK CAPEMAN CONTROL
A large canon-like devise is in the middle of the room and a
large shaft of light is being beamed to a platform. Doctor
Stien is standing nearby and so is SENESTRA MALEVOLOUS and
her minions, ROCK and TANK!!!
SENESTRA
I must say, Frankie, you've outdone
yourself this time. You're saying
that this devise can give someone
superpowers?
DOCTOR STIEN
Indeed, my dear. Any idiot who
gets in that beam of light will be
more powerful than even that
spandexed fool, Capeman! Shall we
send one of your morons through as
a test, Senestra?
SENESTRA
No, good morons... Especially the
huge ones, are hard to find.
(to Rock and Tank)
Boys, throw the good doctor in.
They grab Doctor Stien and drag him to the beam.
DOCTOR STIEN
NO! WE HAD A DEAL!
SENESTRA
Yes. Ten million dollars if your
machine works. IF your machine
works. If it doesn't, well...
C'est la vie.
DOCTOR STIEN
I DON'T SPEAK FREEEEEEEENCH!
Rock and Tank throw him into the beam.
EXT. OPERATION F*CK CAPEMAN CONTROL
Liam and the others are still up against the wall.
THAD
What do we do?
DONNER
Well, first I plan to pee myself
and then I'm going to regroup and
come up with a new plan.
LIAM
Guys, let's just go in there and do
what we usually do.
BIPPO
Go in swinging with no plan and
hope that everything works out in
the end?
LIAM
That's the one! I'm sure
everything will be all... Uh,
professor, your finger is sticking
into my back.
BIPPO
(looks)
Uh, Liam... That's not his finger.
ARTURO
Not only is Stiffiedix all natural,
but it's long lasting.
Everyone pauses.
EVERYONE
EWWWWW!!!
INT. OPERATION F*CK CAPEMAN CONTROL
Senestra is looking in the beam.
SENESTRA
Is he dead? I can't tell?
ROCK
Dur... I dunno.
TANK
D'ah, yeah... It's all bright and
stuff!
SENESTRA
All right, but if he's not out of
there in five minutes, I'm leaving.
I want to go see The Lord of the
Rings tonight and it'd BETTER live
up to the hype or I will personally
kick that little man-boy, Elijah
Wood's ass.
TANK
Actually, you can't really blame
one actor if a motion picture
doesn't live up to the hype that an
expectant audience puts on it.
Why, just look at what happened
with...
Senestra throws a shoe at him. It bonks him on the head.
TANK
G'ur... Sorry.
Liam and the others enter.
LIAM
Not so fast, Miss Malevolous ma'am!
We're here to stop you.
SENESTRA
Tuh! Stop me from what? This
superhero making machine is a dud!
I'm going home. Come idiots.
Rock and Tank follow Senestra out. Thad almost follows them
out before Liam grabs him.
LIAM
(whispers)
Not you.
THAD
Oh.
DONNER
Well, this is just great.
Stiffiedix is causing muscle
spasms, my lab was just invaded by
an evil villainess, and the
professor has a raging hard on.
What the hell ELSE could go wrong?
DOCTOR STIEN
Muh ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaaa!
DONNER
Professor, please tell me that was
you.
ARTURO
I'm afraid not.
LIAM
Oh, monkey bits!
Doctor Stien explodes out of the beam of light. He's twice
as big as he was and is literally exploding with power. He
also looks about as crazy as a outhouse rooster.
BIPPO
What's an outhouse rooster?
DONNER
Oh hell! It looks like the
Gammatron worked.
LIAM
You mean to tell me that guy's as
powerful as Capeman?
DONNER
More powerful, actually. We didn't
call it Operation F*ck Capeman for
nothing.
DOCTOR STIEN
THE POWER! THE RAW UNSURGING
POWER! BOW TO ME, MORTALS! FEEL
MY WRATH!
LIAM
GAH! Only a miracle can save all
of us now!
BLAM! A power beam comes out of Doctor Stien's eyes and
blasts Melody. She falls to the floor with a gaping hole in
her stomach.
LIAM
(a beat)
Uh... Only a miracle can save most
of us now!
MELODY
Okay, NOW I'm pissed.
THAD
What the hell?
Melody gets up and is now a demon like creature with leathery
wings and sharp teeth. She leaps into the air and begins
beating the crap out of Doctor Stien.
BIPPO
Why, professor, you were dating a
Succubus!
DONNER
Way to go professor! Wait, are we
thinking about the same kind of
Succubus?
ARTURO
A succubus is a demon who takes on
the appearance of a beautiful
female to suck the souls out of
their prey.
(a beat)
I guess that WOULD explain the
straw sticking out of my ear this
morning.
Melody the succubus is battling Doctor Stien. The Doctor
grabs her and throws her against the wall. Melody falls to
the ground. Arturo runs to her.
ARTURO
You're a succubus?
MELODY
Didn't I mention it?
ARTURO
No.
MELODY
Not once?
ARTURO
Never!
MELODY
Oh, sorry.
She coughs up a cup full of blood.
MELODY
I'm dying Maxy-poo.
She coughs with a sickening gurgling sound.
MELODY
Kiss me!
ARTURO
Uh... No.
Melody dies. Doctor Stien laughs.
DOCTOR STIEN
Now you will all fall to my fury!
Ha ha ha ha haaaaaa!
Doctor Stien's arm falls off.
DOCTOR STIEN
What the...? No matter! It can be
easily fixed!
His other arm falls off.
DOCTOR STIEN
Uh... Nothing serious!
DONNER
You've got no arms, you silly
bastard!
DOCTOR STIEN
Yes I do!
Both of Doctor Stien's legs fall off leaving a torso on the
ground.
DOCTOR STIEN
This is just a temporary setback!
LIAM
Yeah, like the Black Plague.
ARTURO
It looks like exposure to the
Gammatron IS fatal.
DONNER
That's putting it lightly.
Doctor Stien begins to melt in a puddle of blood, gore, goo,
and other nasty stuff.
DOCTOR STIEN
Gah! Curse you all! I'm melting,
melting! Oh, what a world! What a
world!
He completely melts. Donner runs up to the puddle.
DONNER
You're fired, buddy!
A little bubble comes up in the puddle and pops with a
farting noise. Donner screams and runs away.
EXT. DONCO INDUSTRIES
Donner, Liam, Arturo, Bippo, and Thad exit. The sun is
rising in the background and police cars are arriving.
LIAM
I'm sorry about your girlfriend,
professor.
ARTURO
It's better to have loved and lost
than never to have loved at all.
BIPPO
And I bet the sex was a bonus.
ARTURO
You'd better believe it.
Tooty and Sunday approach.
SUNDAY
What in the hell was going on here?
DONNER
A superhero ray that melts people,
a puddle of protoplasm on the
floor, and a dead succubus... I
think everything pretty much
explains itself, officer. Either
way, I have deniability... It was
Senestra Malevolous who started it.
Go arrest her.
TOOTY
Malevolous? It couldn't be! She's
being held by the LAPD for severely
beating Elijah Wood!
BIPPO
Aw, she beat me to it!
TOOTY
Relax, there's still that Urkel
kid.
A man in a suit approaches them.
THE SUIT
Is there a Jason Donner here?
DONNER
Depends... Are you here with a
paternity test? If so, my name is
Jessie Glaspey... Actually, that
might actually make it worse...
Call me Liam Smith.
LIAM
Hey!
THE SUIT
No, I represent the law firm of
Suewem, Screwem, and Howe and this,
my dear sir, is a lawsuit.
Donner takes the paper and reads.
DONNER
Wait a minute... why are the
Chiropractors of the country suing
me for?
THE SUIT
Because of your drug, they've been
overrun by men with stiff necks.
DONNER
So?
THE SUIT
Now they all have carpel tunnel
syndrome.
DONNER
Aw, crap.
THE SUIT
They want 6 billion dollars!
DONNER
But I'm only worth 6 billion
dollars! What am I supposed to do?
Give them my company?
EXT. DONCO INDUSTRIES - LATER
A workman hangs a sign on the front gate that says "OUT OF
BUSINESS".
RIPPLE DISSOLVE
TO:
INT. A PSYCHATRIST'S OFFICE
As before. Donner is on the couch while Doctor Mona is
taking notes.
DONNER
...and that's my story. I've got
less than a hundred thousand left
and I'm going to have to move into
that miserable toilet that Liam and
his friends live in.
DOCTOR MONA
I guess that makes you feel very...
Oh, what's the word I'm looking
for? A nine letter word for not
knowing ending in an "n"?
DONNER
Uncertain?
DOCTOR MONA
(writes it down)
That's it.
DONNER
Wait a minute... Are you doing a
crossword puzzle.
DOCTOR MONA
Uh, yeah... I'm sorry. How does
that make you feel?
DONNER
Well, outraged!
DOCTOR MONA
(writes that down)
Out... Raged... Ha, it fits!
DONNER
WHAT!?
DOCTOR MONA
Nothing. Look, Donner. I know
you've lost your fortune but you
still have your health and well
being and that's what's important.
DONNER
Yeah, try writing THAT on a deposit
slip.
A pause.
DOCTOR MONA
I tell you what, why don't you go
ahead and come in next week. If
anyone needs therapy, you're it.
DONNER
But I can't afford this anymore.
DOCTOR MONA
Oh, what the hell? I'll let you
come in anyway.
DONNER
That's very kind of you, Doctor
Watur.
DOCTOR MONA
Doctor Mona, Donner.
Donner shakes her hand and exits.
DOCTOR MONA
Besides, you already paid a year in
advance.
INT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS
An empty apartment. Donner, Liam, and Professor Arturo
enters.
ARTURO
Well, this is it. You like?
DONNER
It sucks.
LIAM
Oh, don't be so down on yourself,
Donner! So what if all of your
money is gone!? I know you'll
bounce right back.
ARTURO
You are rather resourceful.
Donner doesn't say anything.
ARTURO
Donner, it wasn't your money that
made you a worthwhile person.
DONNER
You're right, professor... It
wasn't. I've been going downhill
since Capeman left.
ARTURO
Surely you're not blaming him.
DONNER
(sighs)
No, believe it or not... I'm not
blaming him. The fact he left was
my fault anyway. You know, besides
the money and the fame and the
women, do you know what I secretly
liked most about working with
Capeman?
LIAM
Free stuff from the endorsements?
DONNER
Besides that. I liked the fact
that, deep down, I was doing some
good through him. Even though I
was basically fleecing people, it
felt good to know that I was
helping to do some good in the
world.
(a beat)
When it comes down to it, Capeman
was the only thing that made me a
worthwhile human being.
LIAM
Oh, get off it. What about the
time that you floated me a loan to
get to Las Vegas? What about the
time you took the blame for the dog
kennel I set up in my apartment?
DONNER
Liam, that was piddly crap.
A beat.
LIAM
What about the time you stayed with
me all night when I found out my
father died?
DONNER
You made me eat those disgusting
cheese balls.
LIAM
Well, regardless, you may think
you're a worthless person and so
might a lot of other people here,
but this is the perfect opportunity
for you to change your life around
and become a new person. The
professor said it best, "There's
always room for redemption."
ARTURO
It was quite eloquent, wasn't it?
LIAM
Oh, you have no idea. It still
gives me chills.
(to Donner)
Besides, Upda Creek isn't as crazy
as you think it is.
Thad and Bippo throw open the door.
THAD
LIAM! There's a radioactive poo
monster coming out of the basement
pipes! It wants all our
peppermint!
BIPPO
Jesse and Jonathan are holding it
off, but their cans of Lysol aren't
going to hold out forever!
LIAM
Then we have no time to waste.
Professor, get the rubber gloves.
ARTURO
Check.
Arturo runs off.
LIAM
I'll get the scotch tape.
Liam runs off.
BIPPO
And I'LL get the flame thrower.
Bippo and Thad leave. Donner stands there in the center of
the room staring at the open door in disbelief.
DONNER
What the hell have I gotten myself
into?
A beat. He stands there for a second.
DONNER
Oh, what the hell... GUYS WAIT UP!
Donner runs out the door.
FADE OUT:
THE END