THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
Episode 3.15 "Significant Shrinkage"
Written by Jesse Glaspey
               INT. EAST LEE S. CAPABLE PRISON.VISITING AREA.

               A tall, lanky person with large glasses with tape across them
               and a T-shirt that says "Buffy rulez" is sitting at one of
               those stalls waiting for someone. He has a large book in
               front of him. The guard brings in the Alpha Nerd. He sits
               across from the other person, revealed to be the BETA NERD.

                                   BETA NERD.
                         Alpha! Long time, no see!  Last
                         time I saw you, Xena and Gabrielle
                         were straight!

               Beta Nerd laughs so hard he snorts.

                                   ALPHA NERD
                         Very funny. What are you doing
                         here? You left the group, remember?
                         You said that Duncan could beat
                         Connor MacLeod in a fight and I
                         disagreed. We argued and you left
                         the group.

                                   BETA NERD
                         Guess we know who won that
                         argument!

                                   ALPHA NERD
                         CONNOR THREW THAT FIGHT! HE WANTED
                         DUNCAN TO TAKE HIS POWER!

               They both pause.

                                   ALPHA NERD
                         You going to tell me why you're
                         here?

                                   BETA NERD
                         I've figured that since I wasn't
                         with you when you led that mission
                         into that sci-fi convention. That
                         alone was responsible for your
                         defeat.

                                   ALPHA NERD
                         Good to know you're still humble.
                         So are we working together again?

                                   BETA NERD

                                   LIKE QUINN AND COLIN MALLORY!

               Both nerds laugh so hard they snort.

                                   BETA NERD
                         Let's get you out of here.

                                   ALPHA NERD
                         Good. I have a mission to complete!

                                   BETA NERD
                         You want to go after that guy the
                         Tribunal of Evil sent you after?

                                   ALPHA NERD
                         Damn right! I'll dust Liam Smith
                         and his friends like Buffy on
                         vampires!

                                   BETA NERD
                         WE'LL dust them.

               Beta Nerd opens the giant book in front of him ("Get a life"
               by William Shatner), it's been hollowed out.  He pulls out a
               Rubik's cube. He twists it around until one side is
               completely green. There is a bright green light and as it
               fades. Both nerds, the chairs and the divider in front of
               them are transported away.

                                   GUARD
                         Damn. This ALWAYS happens on my
                         shift!

               INT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS. LIAM'S PLACE.

               Liam is reading the newspaper. He flips to the want ads. He
               sees something. His eyes light up and he runs into the
               bedroom. He runs out with a suitcase and he runs out of his
               apartment. He passes Thad, Stacy, Jesse and Jonathan. They're
               all in the hallway, playing hockey on rollerblades. Jesse
               hits the puck toward Liam's face. Thad jumps past and catches
               it with his teeth.

                                   LIAM
                         Thanks, Thad.

                                   THAD
                             (spits the puck out)
                         No problem.

               Jesse, Jon and Stacy skate up to Liam

                                   JESSE
                         Sorry about that, Liam. You okay?

                                   LIAM
                         Yeah. I'm heading to LA for a
                         couple of days. I'll be back.

                                   STACY
                         What? Where are you going?

                                   LIAM
                         Bootygirl: The Movie is filming in
                         LA and they need extras! I'm going
                         to audition! Bye!

                                   JESSE
                         Hold on! Isn't that the movie
                         starring Kari Wuhrer?

                                   LIAM
                         Yep. Gotta go!

               Everyone stops him.

                                   JONATHAN
                         Wait, isn't what you're doing
                         "stalking"?

                                   LIAM
                         I don't have to have any scenes
                         with her! I just want to know I'm
                         working on the same project with
                         her!

               Liam rushes off.

                                   JESSE
                         We're going to have to go along to
                         make sure he doesn't get arrested.
                         Aren't we?

                                   STACY
                         Yep. I'll get Arturo and Donner.

               Stacy walks off. Jesse, Thad and Jon turn around to see Bippo
               with a goalie mask on.

                                   JESSE
                         Hey, if you wanted to play hockey
                         with us, Bippo. All you had to do
                         was ask!

                                   BIPPO
                             (raises the mask)
                         You're playing Hockey?

               RIM SHOT.

                                                       FADE OUT

               ------------ 

               Theme Song (Set to Sum 41's "Fat Lip")

               He works in Las Vegas at a job that he hates!
               His sister is a hot chick that he used to date!
               He goes home to Upda Creek at the end of the day!
               He swears on his life that he's really not gay!
               The Liam Smith Show's not the kind that you're used to!
               Kari Wuhrer's starring and she's got big hoo-hoos!
               Bippo is insane!
               Jesse has no brain!
               And here we all go again…
               The Liam Smith Show is on…
               It's the weekly fix that you all need!
               The Liam Smith Show is on…
               The funniest episode that you'll ever read!
               And OLE!

               ---------------------- 

                                   The Liam Smith Show

                                         STARRING

                                Dian Bachar as Liam Smith

                                       Co-Starring

                            Seann William Scott as Thad Coffey

                         Jason Lee as Jesse Glaspey/Cosmic Weasel

                         Jack Black as Jonathan Krueger/Dr. Wham

                             Robert Floyd as Bippo the Clown

                               Cameron Diaz as Stacy VaVoom

                           John Rhys-Davies as Professor Arturo

                          Neil Patrick Harris as Gary the Fanboy

                                  Kari Wuhrer as Herself

                  And MTV Movie Award Winner for Breakthrough Performance

                                  Jason Donner as Donner

                                    AND GUEST STARRING

                               Matt Damon as The Alpha Nerd

                               Ben Affleck As The Beta Nerd

                                           And

                          Chris Kattan as Martin Von Periwinkle

               ----------------

               INT. A HOLLYWOOD STUDIO. THE SET OF BOOTYGIRL: THE MOVIE

               Liam and the gang are walking around the set of Bootygirl.
               They're gawking at celebrities on the set and Bippo is
               stealing food from craft services.

                                   LIAM
                         Look! It's Eric Roberts!

                                   THAD
                         Look! It's Emilio Estevez!

                                   ARTURO
                         I didn't know they were in the
                         movie!

                                   DONNER
                         They're not. They're Kari's ex
                         boyfriends.

                                   STACY
                         Oh, God! Speaking of ex-boyfriends…

               Gary the Fanboy walks up.

                                   GARY
                         What in the name of Seti Alpha 5
                         are you all doing here?

                                   LIAM
                         We work here! We're extras!

                                   GARY
                         What? The casting agency didn't
                         just pick people at random and
                         there's no way they'd just happen
                         to pick all of you! How did you get
                         in?

                                   LIAM
                         Well, it's kind of a funny story…

                                                       RIPPLE DISSOLVE
                                                       TO:

               INT. CASTING AGENCY. THE WINDOW.

               Jesse and Jonathan are holding the head of the agency out of
               the window by his ankles.

                                   JESSE
                         Are me and my friends in the movie?

                                   AGENT
                         N-nooo!

                                   JESSE
                         Okay. Jon! Make a wish!

               Jesse and Jon are about to pull apart.

                                   AGENT
                         Okay! Okay! You're in!

                                                       RIPPLE DISSOLVE
                                                       BACK TO THE
                                                       STUDIO.

                                   LIAM
                         Wait! What are we doing here? What
                         are YOU doing here?

                                   GARY
                         I'm the technical advisor on this
                         film! I've read every issue of
                         Bootygirl!

                                   JESSE
                         And here we were, doing stupid
                         things like going outside, kissing
                         girls and having a life. We could
                         have been just like you!

                                   GARY
                         Why you…

               Jesse is about to lunge forward to attack Gary when there is
               a loud clapping noise. Everyone turns to see the director of
               the movie, MARTIN VON PERIWINKLE clapping to get everyone's
               attention.

                                   MARTIN
                         All right everyvun! Ve are goink to
                         shoot now! Places! Places! Kari
                         vill be joinink us shortly. She is
                         in wardrobe!

                                   STACY
                         Who would have guessed? She's
                         putting clothes ON!

               Martin moves various people to their places. He stands Liam
               in the middle of an alleyway.

                                   MARTIN
                         Okay, you vill play a person
                         walking home from vurk ven a dirty
                         crook mugs you and attacks you and
                         hurts you. Bootygirl vill come down
                         and save you. You vill be grateful,
                         but she vill not speak. She never
                         speaks!

                                   LIAM
                         Can I ask her to marry me?

               Martin slaps Liam

                                   MARTIN
                         NEIN! You vill not! Vis is not
                         improv! You vant improv, you go to
                         Drew Carey!

                                   LIAM
                         Sorry.

                                   MARTIN
                         And PLACES! Ven I yell "Frolic"
                         that means "action"!

               Martin sits in his director's chair.

                                   MARTIN
                         FROLIC!

               They start rolling. Liam walks down the alley. A thug jumps
               out of the alley and starts kicking the living crap out of
               him. Stacy leans over to Martin.

                                   STACY
                         Um, he looks like he's really
                         hitting and kicking Liam!

                                   MARTIN
                         Ja. I like realism in my films.

                                   STACY
                         What other films have you done?

                                   MARTIN
                         "Swallow Man", "Enema at the Gates"
                         and "Final Penetration"

                                   JESSE
                         Hey! I saw that one!

               Everyone looks at Jesse. The scene goes on as Liam continues
               to get severe beatdowns. All of a sudden, Kari swoops down in
               full Bootygirl attire, kicks the goon in the stomach and
               handcuffs him to a dumpster. Kari helps Liam up and pats him
               on the back. Liam looks at her, letting her see who she
               saved.

                                   LIAM
                         Thank you! Is there anything I can
                         do to repay you?

                                   KARI
                         AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

               Kari faints.

                                   MARTIN
                         CUT! Vat's a wrap for today!
                         Somebody pick Kari up and throw her
                         in her hotel room! I shall scold
                         her ven she awakes! Everyone may go
                         home for the day!

                                   STACY
                         There is a god! To hell with this.
                         I'm going sightseeing. I don't get
                         to go to LA that often.

                                   ARTURO
                         I'll come with you. I'd like to see
                         Los Angeles and not have it have
                         some weird difference from the LA I
                         knew. No bloody tidal waves or
                         russian governments in power…

               Arturo and Stacy walk off.

                                   JESSE
                         Since we have the rest of the day
                         off, how about we go to this neat
                         Karaoke Bar me and Jon discovered
                         when we were here pitching the
                         Jesse Glaspey Show? The Host is a
                         little different than most club
                         owners, but Thad will fit right in
                         with the other customers!

                                   LIAM
                         No thanks. I'd just like to go back
                         to the hotel room and pass out. I
                         think I can taste my kidneys…

                                   DONNER
                         Well, we might as well go with you.

                                   LIAM
                         Really?

                                   DONNER
                         Yep. I don't get to raid those mini
                         refrigerators often.

                                   LIAM
                         Thanks… I think. Are you guys
                         coming?

                                   BIPPO
                         Sure! We can pretend we're the Who
                         and tear the room apart!

                                   JESSE, JONATHAN & THAD
                         We're in!

                                   GARY
                         I'm going with you to make sure you
                         don't stalk my Kari any more than
                         you already have!

                                   LIAM
                         Suit yourself.

               INT. LIAM'S HOTEL ROOM

               We see the door of the hotel room. We hear voices outside.
               It's Liam and the group.

                                   LIAM
                             (from outside. Fumbling
                              with keys.)
                         It's incredible! I hear Kari is
                         staying in this very hotel also!

                                   GARY
                             (From outside)
                         You just stay in your room until
                         they call you for work, pal!

                                   LIAM
                             (opening door and walking
                              in)
                         Oh, shut up! You make it sound like
                         I'm a trouble magnet.

               Everyone comes inside when they realize they have guests. The
               Alpha and Beta Nerd are standing at the opposite end of the
               room.

                                   ALPHA NERD
                         Liam Smith? VENGEANCE IS CALLING!

               The Nerds blast the group with some sort of energy gun.

               CLOSE-UP: LIAM AND THE GROUP.

                                   LIAM
                         Hey! We're okay!

               PAN BACK TO REVEAL:

               The group has been shrunken to the size of 3-inches. The
               Alpha and Beta Nerd laugh. Liam looks at Gary.

                                   LIAM

               DON'T SAY A THING!

               ---- ------- ------- ------- -------

               COMMERCIAL BREAK
               -	Survivor: We f**k with nature!
               -	The Mole: We f**k with your minds!
               -	Temptation Island: We f**k with couples!
               -	Big Brother: We f**k with boredom!

               ---- -------- -------- ------------ -

               INT. LIAM'S HOTEL ROOM.

               The entire group is now 3 inches high. The Nerds are
               laughing. The Alpha Nerd holds up that bizarre gun he used.

                                   ALPHA NERD
                         Ha ha HAAAA! You're ours now!
                         Courtesy of our new device: The
                         Shrink-ometer! You thought we'd
                         never come back didn't you? You
                         thought we'd just fade into obscure
                         third rate villain anonymity, like
                         The Toad! Didn't you?

               The group pauses. They look at one another. They then nod in
               agreement.

                                   LIAM
                         Well, yeah!

                                   ALPHA NERD
                         Wha- HEY!

               Donner turns to Jesse. He's irritated.

                                   DONNER
                         Aren't you supposed to have a
                         weasel sense that's supposed to
                         warn us about this kind of crap?

                                   JESSE
                         It warns me of immediate life or
                         death dangers! Getting shrunken
                         doesn't qualify, apparently!

                                   DONNER
                         Great. We've found something more
                         worthless than your weasel sense.

                                   JESSE
                         What's that?

                                   DONNER
                         The fact you have a SELECTIVE
                         weasel sense!

               Donner lunges toward Jesse and starts throttling him. the
               group separates them.

                                   ALPHA NERD
                         Aw, look! They're fighting! Like
                         little G.I. Joes!

                                   BETA NERD
                         We shouldn't kill them right away.
                         We could lock them in a Barbie's
                         Dream house and watch them like an
                         ant farm!

                                   ALPHA NERD
                         OMG! We could have our own little
                         "Big Brother"!  J/k!

                                   BETA NERD
                         LOL! :)

                                   JONATHAN
                         I don't know what's more
                         disgusting. Their suggestion or the
                         fact that they speak in internet
                         jargon.

                                   LIAM
                         This SUCKS! All I wanted to do is
                         be in the Bootygirl movie! Just one
                         scene with Kari Wuhrer! But
                         noooooooo! I have to get shrunken!

               The Nerds pause.

                                   ALPHA NERD
                         Kari… Wuhrer? Bootygirl?

                                   BETA NERD
                         Kari Wuhrer? I loved her in
                         "Luscious"!

                                   ALPHA NERD
                         Are they filming here?

                                   LIAM
                         No. They're filming across the
                         street at the studio. Kari is just
                         staying at this hotel.

               The Alpha Nerd swoons.

                                   ALPHA NERD
                         We have to find her! If we get
                         pictures of the set, her autograph
                         and a copy of the script, we'll be
                         gods when we post it at "Aint-it
                         cool" news!

                                   BETA NERD
                             (Points to the group)
                         And what about them?

                                   ALPHA NERD
                         What about them? We lock the doors
                         when we leave!
                         They're not exactly going to be
                         able to reach the doorknob!

                                   BETA NERD
                         You're right. Let's go. And when we
                         get back, we'll pretend we're
                         Galactus and step on them!

               The Nerds do that snorting thing again. They walk out the
               door and lock it.

                                   THAD
                         Well, NOW what?

                                   LIAM
                         We could try and reach Professor
                         Arturo. Maybe he can find a way to
                         reverse this!

                                   DONNER
                         Wait here for him to come back? No
                         way. The Nerds could be back any
                         minute.

                                   THAD
                         We could try to get to Stacy's
                         room. Then she'll call Arturo.

                                   BIPPO
                         But how do we get to Stacy's room?

               There's a pause. They all do a slow turn to the ventilation
               duct by the floor.

                                   DONNER
                         Ohhhh no! We are not going in
                         there! There's probably rats in
                         there! And how are we going to find
                         Stacy's room from in there?

                                   LIAM
                         Well, Stacy is only four rooms down
                         from us so, we just count the vents
                         1-2-3-4! Easy!

                                   DONNER
                         Don't we have to get IN the vents
                         first?

                                   JESSE
                         Don't worry. I have that covered!

               Jesse grabs one of Liam's sneakers that's by the bed. He
               carries it over to the grate covering the duct. He swings the
               shoe into the grating, knocking it down.

                                   DONNER
                         I don't believe this. Even at three
                         inches tall he STILL causes
                         property damage!

                                   LIAM
                         Come on, this trip will only be a
                         couple of minutes.

               THIRTY MINUTES LATER…

               INT. THE VENTILATION DUCTS.

               Liam and the gang are in the middle of a vent with four
               different directions.

                                   DONNER
                         Fantastic. Just f(BLEEP)ing
                         fantastic! Now how the hell do we
                         find Stacy's room?

                                   BIPPO
                         Well, considering we're lost, there
                         are an average of fifty rooms on to
                         a floor in a hotel. It took us
                         thirty minutes to get lost trying
                         to find a duct four rooms away from
                         our starting point... carry the
                         four…We'll be dead by Wednesday!

                                   JONATHAN
                         Assuming of course, the effects of
                         the Shrink-ometer don't wear off
                         while we're standing here and we're
                         crushed to death in this vent.

               Everyone stops and stare wide-eyed in shock at Jonathan.

                                   JONATHAN
                         What?

                                   LIAM
                         Okay, new plan! We split up and
                         double our search efforts! Jesse,
                         Jonathan and Gary, you go that way!
                         Me, Bippo, Thad and Donner will go
                         this way. We come back here in an
                         hour.

                                   JONATHAN
                         And for future reference, to
                         prevent you from getting lost,
                         here's a helpful hint: The trick to
                         getting out of a maze is if you
                         keep your hand along one wall,
                         It'll eventually lead you out or in
                         our case back to your starting
                         point.

                                   THAD
                         Why didn't you tell us that
                         earlier?

                                   JONATHAN
                             (Points at Liam)
                         Because I didn't think dipstick
                         over there would get us lost!

                                   LIAM
                         Hey!

               The group splits up. As they're walking away, Thad leans over
               to Liam.

                                   THAD
                             (Whispering)
                         Why'd you send Gary with Jon and
                         Jesse?

                                   LIAM
                         Would you rather Gary travels with
                         us?

               The group shudders.

               TEN MINUTES LATER…

               Gary is following Jesse and Jonathan asking them all sorts of
               annoying questions about being superheroes.

                                   GARY
                         Ever met the X-men?

                                   JONATHAN
                         No, but Jesse met Gambit once and
                         knocked his cajun ass out.

                                   GARY
                         Ever been to the afterlife?

                                   JESSE
                         No, but I'm starting to know what
                         Hell feels like.

                                   GARY
                         Can I be your sidekick?

                                   JESSE & JONATHAN
                         HELL NO!

               A pause.

                                   JESSE & JONATHAN
                             (Pointing at each other)
                         Besides. HE'S my sidekick.

                                   JESSE
                         What? Hello? Who's name is first on
                         the opening credits?

                                   JONATHAN
                         Liam's.

                                   JESSE
                         THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT AND YOU
                         KNOW IT!

                                   GARY
                         HEY! Look!

               Gary points in front of them, they see a grating on the floor
               of the duct blocking their way.

                                   JESSE
                         Hmm. Must be a vent for a bathroom.

                                   JONATHAN
                         Think it'll support our weight if
                         we cross it?

                                   JESSE
                         Only one way to find out. Gary, go
                         cross that grate!

                                   GARY
                         What? Why me?

                                   JESSE
                         If you do, we'll get you in the
                         Defenders.

                                   GARY
                         REALLY? Cool! Valkyrie is da bomb!

                                   JESSE
                         Yeah, yeah. Shut up and cross the
                         grate.

               Gary walks ahead.

                                   JONATHAN
                             (To Jesse)
                         You do know the Defenders aren't
                         real. Right?

                                   JESSE
                         The real question is, does HE know
                         they're not real?

               Gary is standing in the middle of the grate.

                                   GARY
                         It's okay! It's safe to walk
                         across!

               The grate gives way and Gary falls. We hear a splash. Jesse
               and Jonathan run up to the edge and look down off screen.

                                   JESSE
                         Gary! Are you okay? Not that we
                         care…

                                   GARY
                             (Off camera)
                         Gah! I'm okay! I landed in the
                         toilet!

                                   JESSE
                             (Snickering)
                         Really? Just grab a hold of that
                         Snickers bar floating by you!

                                   JONATHAN
                             (Holding back laughter)
                         You need to get your eyes checked,
                         dude. That's no Snickers bar!

                                   JESSE
                             (Cracking up)
                         Gary! If you see a black hole,
                         start praying to God. AND DON'T
                         LOOK UP!

                                   JONATHAN
                             (laughing hysterically)
                         Should we toss him a life saver or
                         something?

                                   JESSE
                             (Laughing so hard he's
                              crying.)
                         No. I think that "Snickers bar"
                         will hold him off as far as candy
                         is concerned!

               Jesse and Jonathan fall down laughing.

               INT. A HOTEL ROOM.

               CLOSE UP: A GRATE TO THE VENTILATION DUCTS.

                                   LIAM
                         CHARGE!

               We hear several people running, we then see Liam, Thad, Bippo
               and Donner slam into the grate, knocking it down.

                                   DONNER
                             (Dusting himself off.)
                         Well, that was fun. Is this Stacy's
                         room?

                                   LIAM
                         I'm not sure. I've never looked at
                         a room from this angle.

                                   BIPPO
                             (Staring at something off
                              camera)
                         It's not Stacy's room.

                                   LIAM
                         How do you know?

                                   BIPPO
                             (Still staring off camera)
                         Well, THIS is a big giveaway!

               Everyone turns to see a pet's water bowl. The name "MR.
               WINKLES" is emblazoned on it.

                                   LIAM
                         Aw… Mr. Winkles! That's such a cute
                         name. It's probably some adorable
                         little kitten!

               They hear a rustling from the bed behind and above them. A
               giant pitbull hops off the bed and trots directly in front of
               them and starts growling.

                                   BIPPO
                         Awwwwww……. Can I keep it?

               ---- ----- ------- ----- ----

               COMMERCIAL BREAK
               -	"Read" Maxim! 
               -	"Read" Stuff! 
               -	"Read" FHM! 
               -	"Read" Big 'Uns!

               ------- ----------- ------------

               INT. A HOTEL ROOM.

               Liam, Thad, Bippo and Donner are face to face with a giant
               pitbull.

                                   LIAM
                         No. Sudden. Movements.

                                   DONNER
                         Well, Thad? What are you waiting
                         for? Talk to it!

                                   THAD
                         WHAT? I'm getting awfully tired of
                         these…

                                   DONNER
                         No, I'm serious! Try talking to it!
                         Maybe your werewolf form lets you
                         speak to dogs!

                                   THAD
                         It can't do that!

                                   DONNER
                         Have you tried?

               A pause.

                                   THAD
                         Well, here goes nothing…

               Thad changes into his werewolf form.

                                   THAD
                         *Ahem* Woof. Woof woof woof woof.
                         Bark.

                                   BIPPO
                         Did it work?

               The pitbull pauses. It then lurches forward and snatches
               Donner up and swallows him whole.

                                   DONNER
                         GAH!

                                   LIAM
                         SWEET JESUS!

                                   BIPPO
                         I guess it didn't work!

                                   THAD
                         I wouldn't say THAT.

               Mr. Winkles is about to eat another one of our gang when the
               door opens and Mr. Winkles runs to the door. Kari Wuhrer is
               helped in by a crew member who leaves and says nothing.
               Because he is an extra.

                                   KARI
                         Awwwwww. Mr. Winkles! You came to
                         the door! You widdle sweetie!

                                   BIPPO
                         Wow! What are the odds, huh?

                                   THAD
                         At least she got the dog away from
                         us.

                                   LIAM
                         Um, guys? IT JUST ATE DONNER!

                                   THAD
                         Oh, he'll be fine! We can just have
                         Jesse or Jonathan fish him out when
                         we find them!

                                   LIAM
                         Hmmm. Good point.

               Kari hops on the bed with Mr. Winkles and pulls out a book to
               start reading.

                                   LIAM
                         See? I don't know why you guys keep
                         insulting her intelligence. She's
                         reading a book!

                                   KARI
                         "Not on a boat. Not on a plane. I
                         do not like them Sam-I-Am. I do not
                         like green eggs and ham!"

               Thad and Bippo look at Liam.

                                   LIAM
                         Oh, be quiet!

               Kari puts the book down and turns on the TV.

                                   LIAM
                         There! She's probably going to turn
                         something on like the news or
                         something!

                                   KARI
                             (Clapping)
                         YAY! BLUE'S CLUES!!!

                                   LIAM
                             (Hanging his head in
                              shame)
                         Oh for god's sakes…
                             (Sniffs the air)
                         You guys smell something?

               Jesse and Jonathan walk up with a soaking Gary following them
               wrapped in toilet paper to dry himself off. Jesse and
               Jonathan are still laughing.

                                   LIAM
                         What happened to you, Gary?

                                   JESSE
                             (Laughing)
                         He went for a dip! Where's Donner?

                                   LIAM
                         You don't want to know. How did you
                         guys find us?

                                   JONATHAN
                         Thad marks his territory. It wasn't
                         easy to smell the marks with
                         Stinky, here.

               Jon nods towards Gary.

                                   GARY
                         HEY!

                                   JESSE
                         Hey! Is that who I think it is?

                                   BIPPO
                         Yup. She went from reading a book
                         to watching TV in under three
                         minutes. I think she has some kind
                         of attention disorder… HEY! A
                         Starburst!

               Bippo walks off and grabs a Starburst the size of a brick.
               Kari gets up and stretches.

                                   KARI
                         I need a shower!

                                   JONATHAN
                         People actually talk like that when
                         they're alone?

                                   BIPPO
                         Well, she would keep it to herself,
                         but then she'd get her thoughts
                         confused with all the other voices
                         in her head.

                                   JESSE
                         Quiet! This is officially the high
                         point of getting shrunken.

               We focus on the group as they stare at Kari. A giant bra
               falls on them as she walks by to the bathroom.

                                   JESSE
                         First one to the bathroom is
                         incredibly lucky!!!

               Everyone makes a break for the bathroom. The door is shut in
               their faces.

                                   JESSE
                         So close, yet so far away…

                                   LIAM
                         What else could go wrong?

               There's a rustling at the door. The door is then broken open
               as the Alpha and Beta Nerd walk in. The nerds see the group
               and vice versa.

                                   NERDS
                         What are the odds…

                                   LIAM & CO.
                         … of THIS happening?

                                   LIAM
                         SCATTER!

               The group splits up as they run several directions. The Nerds
               hear something yelled out and they see a tiny thunderbolt
               crash through the window and strike something by the
               nightstand. The Beta Nerd rushes over to the nightstand to
               see Dr. Wham standing by one of those pink superballs.

                                   DR. WHAM
                         Hi. Howareya!

                                   BETA NERD
                         Oh, you REALLY think you're going
                         to be able to stop me with THAT?

                                   DR. WHAM
                         Let's see!

               Dr. Wham punts the ball at super-speed sending it directly
               into the Beta Nerd's crotch.

                                   BETA NERD
                         Owwwwww.

                                   ALPHA NERD
                         Why you little…

               Mr. Winkles runs up to the Alpha Nerd with Thad riding on his
               back.

                                   THAD
                         Sic 'em boy!

               Mr. Winkles starts biting the Alpha Nerd. The Beta Nerd is
               staggering around. He leans on a dresser. He looks over to
               see Liam standing by an open compact case.

                                   LIAM
                         Hi!

               Liam blows as hard as he can sending a pile of dust into the
               Beta Nerd's face. He starts coughing and sneezing. Meanwhile
               the Alpha Nerd is fighting off Mr. Winkles. He backs into the
               table. Bippo is waiting on the table, holding a fork.

                                   BIPPO
                         I've been waiting my whole life to
                         say this line. "RAMMING SPEED!"

               Bippo runs and jams the fork into the Alpha Nerd's butt.

                                   ALPHA NERD
                         OW!

               The Beta Nerd staggers around and points the Shrink-ometer at
               Liam.

                                   BETA NERD
                         I'm going to shrink you into an
                         atom for that!

               As the Beta Nerd fires, Dr. Wham flies in the way with a
               mirror. The beam bounces off it and back at the Beta Nerd.

                                   BETA NERD
                         Aw crap.

               The Beta Nerd drops the gun just before the beam strikes him.
               He opens his eyes to see he's now three inches as well.
               There's a tap on his shoulder.

                                   BETA NERD
                         Okay. I know what's coming.

               The Beta Nerd turns around and sees the Cosmic Weasel's fist
               headed towards him.

                                   SFX
                         POW!

               Kari walks out of the bathroom with a towel on. She sees the
               Alpha Nerd and all the chaos.

                                   KARI
                         Oh my god! Who are you? What are
                         all these little people? Oh, god!
                         I'm seeing things! I'm going crazy!
                         I'm going to end up in a sanitarium
                         with Mariah Carey!

               The Alpha Nerd shakes Mr. Winkles off him and pulls the fork
               out of his butt.

                                   ALPHA NERD
                         You… will… ALL…pay for this!

               The Cosmic Weasel is standing by the Shrink-ometer.

                                   COSMIC WEASEL
                             (To camera)
                         A better man would think before
                         doing something like this! Luckily,
                         I'm not a better man.

               The Cosmic Weasel kicks the trigger. The blast strikes Kari's
               towel, shrinking it into nothing.

                                   ALPHA NERD
                         (starting to convulse)
                         Uh! Uh! Naked girl! Aaaugh!

               Kari runs back into the bathroom screaming. Meanwhile, Thad
               and Bippo are each holding an end of Kari's bra. The Cosmic
               Weasel and Dr. Wham are each in a "cup" stretching the bra
               back as far as they can.

                                   COSMIC WEASEL
                         Two "fastball specials" coming up!

                                   DR. WHAM
                         No pun intended.

                                   COSMIC WEASEL
                         Oh, yes there was!

               They let go and fly forward at superspeeds colliding with the
               Alpha Nerd's jaw sending him backwards towards the door. At
               the same time…

               EXT. OUTSIDE KARI'S HOTEL ROOM.

               Stacy and Arturo are walking by. Arturo has a hat saying "I
               "HEART" LA", a Lakers shirt and a map to the stars homes.

                                   STACY
                         God, you're such a tourist it's
                         embarrassing.

                                   ARTURO
                         Excuse me! I didn't get to see LA a
                         lot without being chased by an army
                         of some bloody missing links!

               The Alpha Nerd crashes through the door in front of them

                                   ARTURO
                         Good lord!

                                   STACY
                         Hey! It's that Nerdy guy we fought
                         last year! Wait, he has something
                         on his face.

               Stacy leans forward and sees The Cosmic Weasel and Dr. Wham
               standing on the Alpha Nerds nose.

                                   COSMIC WEASEL & DR. WHAM

                                   (WAVING)
                         HI STACY!

               Stacy pauses.

                                   STACY.
                         Hmmm…This is interesting.

               Stacy faints.

                                   ARTURO
                         Now, who's the embarassment?

               ---- ----------- ------------- -------

               COMMERCIAL BREAK

               Coming soon to FOX…

               "WHO WANTS TO MARRY A FANBOY?"

               100 eligible women will compete for the chance to marry some
               kid who can tell the difference between Black Talon and Black
               Manta!

               Be there and watch the shame.

               --------- ----------- --------------- -

               INT. THE HOTEL HALLWAY

               The LA police are escorting the Nerds out. The Alpha Nerd is
               in handcuffs, the Beta Nerd is in a hamster cage.

                                   BETA NERD
                         This is ALL your fault!

                                   ALPHA NERD
                         Oh, kiss my butt! I didn't force
                         you to tag along!

                                   BETA NERD
                         Mom is going to kill us when she
                         finds out!

                                   ALPHA NERD
                         Who cares? She always liked you
                         best!

               Liam, Stacy, Arturo, Jesse and Jonathan walk out of Liam's
               room. They're all full sized again. They're carrying luggage.

                                   STACY
                         So Bootygirl: The Movie has been
                         put on hold?

                                   LIAM
                         Yeah. Unfortunately. Kari pulled
                         out of the project. She thinks
                         she's going insane.

                                   STACY
                         Hey, where was Gary in that whole
                         fight?

                                   LIAM
                         Cowering in her underwear drawer.
                         At least, I think he was cowering.

                                   JESSE
                         Thanks for fixing us back to our
                         original sizes. It must have been
                         tough to reconfigure the Shrink
                         ometer.

                                   ARTURO
                         I hit the reverse switch on the
                         side of the gun.

                                   JONATHAN
                         Apparently not that tough.

               Kari walks out of the hotel room. Gary walks up to her.

                                   GARY
                         Are you okay, baby?

                                   KARI
                         No! First my room is broken into!
                         Then I'm attacked by a supervillain
                         and the Keebler elves! Then I'm
                         stripped naked! And now my dog has
                         indegestion!

                                   GARY
                         Kari! There's no reason to be
                         scared! I was one of those elves!

               Kari slaps Gary.

                                   KARI
                         How DARE you make fun of my trauma!
                         You patronizing bastard!

               Kari storms off. Gary follows her, begging for forgiveness.

                                   LIAM
                         Well, at least this trip wasn't a
                         total waste. Hey! Where's Thad and
                         Bippo?

               INT. KARI'S HOTEL ROOM.

               Thad is sitting in front of Mr. Winkles. They're staring at
               one another. Bippo walks up.

                                   BIPPO
                         Hey. Kari wouldn't let us take Mr.
                         Winkles to the vet to get Donner
                         out?

                                   THAD
                         Yup.

                                   BIPPO
                         So we're waiting for him to come
                         out the old fashioned way?

                                   THAD
                         Yup.

                                   BIPPO
                         Donner's going to be pissed, you
                         know.

                                   THAD
                         Yup.

                                   BIPPO
                         Got the cameras?

               Thad pulls out two types of cameras.

                                   THAD
                         Digital AND video.

               Mr. Winkles cocks his head.

                                   MR. WINKLES
                         Wuff?

               INT. LAPD HOLDING CELL.

               The Alpha and Beta Nerd are sitting there. The Beta Nerd is
               back to normal.

                                   BETA NERD
                         You call our lawyer?

                                   ALPHA NERD
                         Wolfram and Hart weren't taking our
                         calls.

                                   BETA NERD
                         Dammit! NOW how are we going to get
                         out?

               All of a sudden, the wall is ripped away to reveal The
               Mysterious Figure.

                                   MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
                         Alpha and Beta Nerds… I have use of
                         you. Come with me and…

                                   NERDS
                         Okay.

                                   MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
                         … What?

                                   ALPHA NERD
                         Okay, we'll come with you.

                                   MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
                         You don't want to hear why you
                         should join?

                                   BETA NERD
                         Not really. Let's just go!

                                   MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
                             (Sighs)
                         All right. It's just I put a lot of
                         work into my entrance!

                                   ALPHA NERD
                         That's nice. Let's go.

                                   MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
                         Fine. Rassum frassum…..

               They all leave.

                                                       FADE OUT
               ROLL CREDITS

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