THE LIAM SMITH SHOW Episode 3.28 "Counter-Parting Is Such Sweet Sorrow" Written by Jesse GlaspeyINT. LIAM'S APARTMENT Liam is relaxing at home. He sits down on the couch and grabs the remote and TV guide. He looks at the guide and smiles. LIAM Wow! "Riding On Boys In Cars" starring Screw Barrymore is on JiggleVision! Sweet! Liam tosses the TV guide over his shoulder and turns on the TV. All he sees is snow on the screen. LIAM Geez, I heard Ms. Barrymore let herself go, but this is ridiculous! Liam gets up and bangs on the TV and reaches for the phone. Before he can get the phone, it starts ringing. LIAM (Getting the phone) Hello? VOICE Is this Liam Smith? LIAM Yes. But if this is the library calling about that Madonna book, I swear the pages were already ripped out when I borrowed it! VOICE Mr. Smith, This is A.L. Cable and Satellite calling. Are you experiencing technical difficulties with your services? LIAM Why, yes I am! VOICE Yes, we'd like to gain access to your apartment to fix the problem. LIAM Sure. How soon can you get… There's a knock at the door. LIAM Wow. That was quick. Liam answers the door. A cable repairman walks in. REPAIRMAN (Closing the door behind him) Hi! Where's the problem? LIAM (Turns around to face the TV) Well, it's over here. The picture is fuzzier than Robin Williams' back! While Liam's back is turned, the Repairman pulls out some brass knuckles and clocks Liam from behind, knocking him out. INT. LIAM'S BEDROOM Liam wakes up tied up to the bed. LIAM Wha…? What's going on here? REPAIRMAN Simple. You're an idiot that fell for my trap. The repairman starts pulling off his face. LIAM OH MY GOD! Keith Richards is kidnapping me! The mask comes off the repairman's face to reveal he's a cleanly shaven Anti-Liam. ANTI-LIAM My god, your stupidity never ceases to amaze me! LIAM Anti-Liam? But didn't you die in that warehouse explosion? ANTI-LIAM Did you look for a body? LIAM Well, no. We pretty much went for cotton candy after the warehouse went up. ANTI-LIAM You didn't bother looking for a body after a warehouse detonated to see if all your enemies were truly dead? LIAM Well, once we found the fourth Tribunal, we pretty much stopped after that… hence, the cotton candy. ANTI-LIAM Well, you better have gotten all the cotton candy you wanted. Cause you're not gonna get any for a long time. LIAM What do you mean? ANTI-LIAM Liam Smith. As of now, your life is mine! I'm taking your place and I'm going to kill everyone you love and they're never going to see it coming! And best of all, you're going to live to see it! MUSICAL STING FADE OUT -------------- ------------------ -------- Theme Song (Set to Uncle Kracker's "Follow Me") Jesse Glaspey is guest writing That raging dork When this series ends He'll be out of work Time's running out for Liam Smith And the rest of the folks Cause Jesse's running out of Dick and poo-poo jokes Singin' The Liam Smith Show is on When season 3 ends, we'll be gone Jesse may stop writing I swear to God But then again there's always The Justice Squad OLE! ------- ------------- -------------- The Liam Smith Show STARRING Dian Bachar as Liam Smith/ The Anti-Liam CO-STARRING Cameron Diaz as Stacy VaVoom David Hopper as Drew Fangtastic Seann William Scott as Thad Coffey Neil Patrick Harris as Gary the Fanboy Jason Lee as Jesse Glaspey/Cosmic Weasel Jack Black as Jonathan Krueger/Dr. Wham Robert Floyd as Bippo the Clown John Rhys-Davies as Professor Arturo Gary Dourdan as Tempus RuPaul as Chocolate Treat And MY VH-1 Award winner for Song Of The Year winner for The Jeffersons' Parody… Jason Donner as Donner GUEST STARRING Marina Sirtis as Senestra Malevolous Billy Blanks as "Rock" Dolph Lundgren as "Tank"INT. LIAM'S PLACE. THE LIVING ROOM The Anti-Liam is sitting on the couch in front of a laptop computer. ANTI-LIAM You have to be kidding me! LIAM (Off-screen) What? ANTI-LIAM I'm going through your bank account! I was going to take all your money and close the account, but there's no money in there! What, do you live paycheck to paycheck? LIAM (Off-screen) Well, now that you mention it… ANTI-LIAM What do you spend all your money on? Rent, food and… Wait a minute… Anti-Liam gets up and walks off into… INT. LIAM'S PLACE. THE BEDROOM Anti-Liam walks in, past the tied up Liam and opens the closet. Hundreds of porno tapes pour out of it. ANTI-LIAM A-ha! So your free money goes into this? Shame on you! This stuff'll make you go blind! Well, I'm not going to have this… It's all got to go! LIAM (In tears) All of it? ANTI-LIAM All of it. One tape catches the Anti-Liam's eye. "C**k Star: The story of a wannabe who got to be." ANTI-LIAM (Takes the tape) Except this one. I'm keeping this. LIAM What are you going to do with the rest of them? Anti-Liam slowly turns to the window. EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS. Gary the Fanboy is walking up. A couple of video tapes land in front of him. GARY "Say It Isn't Ho"? "See Spot (BLEEP)"? Holy moley! Free nudie movies! It's my lucky day! Gary then hears a rumbling. He looks up to see an avalanche of porn coming straight down towards him. GARY Mother! Gary holds up a sign to the camera that reads "Eep!" The porno avalanche then knocks out Gary. INT. LIAM'S PLACE. THE BEDROOM. Anti-Liam dusts his hands off. LIAM You heartless bastard! What's your next move? ANTI-LIAM Glad you asked. I'm going to go take care of two certain super heroes that shot me in the leg! LIAM Oh they'll see right through your ruse! They're a lot cleverer than you give them credit for! ANTI-LIAM Oh really? I better play this subtle then, huh? INT. JESSE & JONATHAN'S PLACE. Jesse and Jonathan are playing air hockey. JESSE … Hell, yo momma's a freak! I'd have been your daddy, but the line was too long! JONATHAN Why you… The Anti-Liam barges in. He's screaming and waving his arms frantically. ANTI-LIAM MY GOD! THE HORROR! THE HORROR! THE PENGUINS! THE PENGUINNNNNNNNSSS! JESSE Liam? What's going on? ANTI-LIAM (Gasping for air) Calgary… Justice Squad in trouble… killer zombie penguins… HURRY! JESSE Great beasties! There's no time to lose! To the Weasel Wagon! JONATHAN Um, problem! JESSE What? JONATHAN There's a problem with the Weasel Wagon… JESSE What's the problem? JONATHAN KITT ran away. JESSE Damn! I knew we should have put that thing on a leash! JONATHAN It's cool! I got us another car! ANTI-LIAM Whatever! Just get going! EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS Anti-Liam, Jesse and Jonathan are staring at The General Lee from "The Dukes Of Hazzard". JONATHAN The cool thing is, the car has like, five barrels of moonshine in the back! JESSE YEE-HAW! Jesse and Jonathan drive off. The Anti-Liam starts to smile. INT. LIAM'S PLACE. THE BEDROOM. The Anti-Liam is throwing various books, videos, photos and other personal belongings of Liam's into a fiery wastebasket. LIAM You just sent them away? But they could come back at anytime! And when they find out you sent them on a wild goose chase… they're gonna be pissed! ANTI-LIAM Oh, please! If those two morons don't get themselves killed crossing the border, a shiny object will distract them or maybe they'll search for treasure or some crap like that. Assuming they make it to Calgary at all. Those twits headed south… Calgary is north. LIAM Give them SOME credit! They know where Canada is! EXT. THE MEXICAN BORDER Jesse is looking at a map. Jonathan is staring at the desert horizon. JONATHAN Damn dude… Where's all those snowy woodlands I heard about? JESSE Yeah, really. Anne Murray was full of s**t. INT. LIAM'S PLACE The Anti-Liam is throwing darts at a picture of Liam's mom when Bippo and Thad barge in. BIPPO & THAD Hello! ANTI-LIAM GAH! What the hell? Don't you two idiots know how to knock? What's your problem? BIPPO What's our problem? What's your problem? We have to go to work today! Unless, you're taking another sick day, that is. And I doubt Senestra will buy into that again unless you barf up a lung or something. Speaking of lungs, don't touch my lunch. Bippo holds up a Capeman lunchbox. ANTI-LIAM Ah, okay. I have to go to work. I'll meet you guys downstairs. Bippo and Thad are leaving. Thad sniffs the air. BIPPO What's the matter? Smell something? It wasn't me, I swear! THAD No, just something… familiar. Nothing really important right now. The Anti-Liam gags Liam, waves bye-bye and leaves for work. LIAM (Gagged) Affhowle. INT. CIRCUS CIRCUS. The Anti-Liam is at his blackjack table. His feet are kicked up on the table, he has hundreds of chips in front of him and he's drinking a beer. ANTI-LIAM Oh, look! You've got an ace and a king. I have an ace and a two. I win! The nun he's playing against frowns at him. NUN Young man! I think you're trying to cheat! ANTI-LIAM Oh yeah? I think you're trying to cheat the casino! SECURITY! THIS LADY IS COUNTING CARDS! Security comes over and drags the nun away. Another customer, a well-dressed businessman walks up to the blackjack table. BUSINESSMAN Hi. ANTI-LIAM F**k off. I'm taking my break now. Anti-Liam walks off with his beer and chips. He bumps into the businessman as he walks away. ANTI-LIAM I'm sorry about that. Let me fix your coat. The Anti-Liam fixes the businessman's coat and walks away. The Anti-Liam checks out the wallet he just lifted off the businessman as he's walking. He walks over to the kiddie playground, sits down and lights up a cigarette. The kids start coughing but the Anti-Liam doesn't pay attention. Senestra, Tank and Rock walk up. SENESTRA Mr. Smith! We need to have a talk! ANTI-LIAM Can it wait? I'm on my break! SENESTRA Yes. Your fifth break today! We've been hearing complaints about you. We were watching you earlier and we've seen you lie, cheat and steal from the customers! ANTI-LIAM (Stands up) Oh, really? What are you going to do about it? Fire me? SENESTRA Actually, I've been looking for an employee with your kind of initiative and moral ambiguity! We're promoting you! ANTI-LIAM Hmph. Okay, whatever. I'm going to finish my break. I'll be back later… maybe. I have something to do. Later, sweet-cheeks! The Anti-Liam walks away and slaps Senestra on her ass as he walks away. SENESTRA Now why am I so aroused by that? Senestra walks off. Rock and Tank look at one another. ROCK Evil clone? TANK Definitely. INT. LIBERACE'S TOMB. DREW'S PLACE. Drew is watching TV. DREW Oh, Spike you blind idiot! Can't you see Buffy doesn't love you! She's still recovering from all her losses! There's a knock on his door. Drew gets up and answers it. It's the Anti-Liam ANTI-LIAM Hey, Drew! Mind if I come in? DREW Well, the whole invitation thing usually only applies to vampires, but you can come in. (Sniffs the air) Is there something different about you? ANTI-LIAM Nothing that I know of! Drew turns away to go back to watching TV. DREW Can I get you something to drink? I don't have much besides blood, but I think I have a Zima. He turns around to see the Anti-Liam holding a crucifix. ANTI-LIAM No, thanks. Drew flinches at the crucifix but then stands up again. DREW Hey! That's not a real crucifix! That looks like it's made of rubber! ANTI-LIAM You're right. DREW So is there a reason I shouldn't tear your bloody head off right now? ANTI-LIAM Well, the holy water in the crucifix might play a part. The Anti-Liam squeezes the crucifix, sending a stream of holy water into Drew's eyes, burning them. DREW ARGH! You little bastard! When I get my hands on you… The Anti-Liam grabs a bust of Liberace's head and bashes it over Drew's head, knocking him out. ANTI-LIAM That's not going to happen, my friend. Because I have plans for you… ------ --------------- ------------ ------ COMMERCIAL BREAK Coming soon to FOX and UPN… One of your favorite shows teams up with a show only five people watch! X-FILES: ROSWELL!!! Doggett: So, where are you kids from? Max points up. Doggett: Canada, huh? Well! See you later! Doggett walks off. X-FILES: ROSWELL! Followed by MUTANT X GOES TO SMALLVILLE! --- -------------- ----------------- ------ EXT. LIBERACE'S TOMB. THE ROOF. Drew wakes up chained to the roof. He can hardly see due to the burns in his eyes. DREW Liam? Where am I? What's going on? ANTI-LIAM I've chained you to the roof of your tomb. And just so you know, it's 5:02. Sunrise is in roughly 58 minutes. Nice seeing you again! DREW WHAT? Why are you doing this Liam? ANTI-LIAM Let's just say I'm preventing history from repeating itself! Have a nice day! And don't get too much sun! Those UV rays are killer! Anti-Liam leaves. DREW LIAM! LIAAAAAM! YOU LITTLE TOERAG, GET YOUR BLOODY CARCASS BACK HERE! THIS IS NOT FUNNY! Drew pauses. DREW Damn. I'm going to miss Rocky and Bullwinkle. INT. LIAM'S PLACE. There is a rustling at the door. It's suddenly forced open as Thad sneaks in. He starts sniffing around and walks into Liam's bedroom and sees him tied up to the bed. THAD Liam! What happened? LIAM (Gagged) Fad! Ani-lum kinnap meh! THAD What? LIAM (Gagged) Gouk ott! THAD Huh? LIAM (Gagged) GOUK OTT! THAD I can't understand you, dude! Let me get this gag off you… ANTI-LIAM No need. He said, "Look out". Thad turns around and wolfs out. THAD I knew it! You weren't our Liam! You had an overpowering scent of confidence and arrogance! Something our Liam wouldn't be able to spell much less have! LIAM (Gagged) Wha? ANTI-LIAM Blab, blab blab! Let me guess… you're the kind of dog with all bark and no bite! THAD Oh, I bite! I BITE! Thad pounces towards the Anti-Liam. The Anti-Liam pulls out a tranquilizer gun and shoots Thad repeatedly. Thad lands in front of the Anti-Liam, unconscious and in human form. ANTI-LIAM Truer words were never spoken. You know, Liam… I could kill him right now but seeing people all wasted reminds me of when I used to hang out with Christian Slater. I'm going to chain him up and give YOU the choice of which of your friends I kill next! The Anti-Liam pulls off Liam's gag. LIAM Me? ANTI-LIAM Yep. You're going to tell me which one of your friends I kill. LIAM Like heck I am! ANTI-LIAM (Starts to leave) Okay, I'll start with your sister. LIAM NO! ANTI-LIAM (Stops) So do you have a suggestion? LIAM Um… Gary. ANTI-LIAM Gary? Fanboy Gary? He wasn't very fun to kill on MY Earth, and I have to kill him again? LIAM Well, if I HAVE to choose someone… ANTI-LIAM Well, I guess beggars can't be choosers. INT. GARY'S APARTMENT There's a knock on Gary's door. Gary (wearing a massive bandage on his head) opens the door to see the Anti-Liam. ANTI-LIAM Gar! Buddy! Pal! Can I have a talk with you? I need to find out who directed the third episode of "Misfits Of Science"! GARY You're lucky! I just got the entire series on DVD! Come on in! The Anti-Liam walks in and stares at Gary's apartment. He sees posters of Jeri Ryan and Lexa Doig everywhere as well as hundreds of action figures. ANTI-LIAM (Staring off camera) Wow! They actually made figures of Millennium? The Anti-Liam hears a familiar snap and hiss. The Anti-Liam turns around to see Gary standing in front of him holding up a very clearly working light-saber. ANTI-LIAM Now, why am I not surprised you actually have a working one of those things? GARY I'll answer when you tell me who the hell you are! ANTI-LIAM You can tell, also? Jesus… GARY I've read enough comics to know an evil twin when I see one! The way you talk and carry yourself are dead giveaways! ANTI-LIAM Forgive me, but when I kidnapped the real Liam Smith, I didn't exactly Meryl Streep the role I was taking! GARY Whatever! You picked the wrong fanboy to mess with! ANTI-LIAM Do you know how to use that thing? GARY Of course! I watch Star Wars everyday! ANTI-LIAM Oh, of course. (Mockingly) "Look out! Jedi master on the loose! Mothers, hide your daughters! Qui-Gonn Jackass is on the prowl!" The Anti-Liam starts laughing hysterically. GARY Stop that! ANTI-LIAM (Goofy voice) "I have not been so terrified since a Jawa flashed me! Because that Jawa's wee-wee reminded me of the scourge that is Gary!" GARY Stop laughing at me! The Anti-Liam suddenly lunges and grabs the lightsaber out of Gary's hand. He tosses it across the room and glares at Gary. GARY You're not gonna kill me, are you? ANTI-LIAM No. I'm going to kill people worth my time. You, I'll just beat the living hell out of. The Anti-Liam punches Gary out. The Anti-Liam the grabs a large Gundam Wing toy and starts beating Gary repeatedly with it. He then throws the toy down and sits on a nearby chair. ANTI-LIAM (Wiping blood off his hands.) You know what's weird, Gar? I came here to kill every one of you. And instead, I've tied three of you up, sent two of you to Canada and I'm leaving you a bloody mess! The Anti-Liam kicks Gary one more time. ANTI-LIAM I'm going to have to make up for lost time! I'm off to kill that little blonde Liam calls a sister! GARY (Bleeding and near unconsciousness) S-s-stacy…. ANTI-LIAM That's the one! Thanks, Gar! Knew you weren't completely useless! The Anti-Liam kicks Gary in the face, finally knocking him out. The Anti-Liam leaves. INT. STACY'S APARTMENT Stacy's alarm goes off and she wakes up. She's smiling brightly. STACY (Singing) Oh, I could hide 'neath the wings Of the bluebird as she sings. The six o'clock alarm would never ring. But it rings and I rise, Wipe the sleep out of my eyes. My shavin' razor's cold and it stings. Stacy walks over to her pet parakeet. It flutters up and sits on her finger. STACY (Still singing) Cheer up, Sleepy Jean. Oh, what can it mean. To a daydream believer And a homecoming queen! All of a sudden there's a loud pounding on her window. The sudden noise startles Stacy and she accidentally flings her sparrow off her finger into the fan. The feathers fly everywhere and Stacy's expression changes from happiness to shock. She then hangs her head down. STACY This day is off to a perfect start. Stacy walks over to the window and opens the blinds to see what caused the racket. She sees Drew, covered in a blanket and wearing sunglasses on the fire escape. He's smoking pretty badly. DREW Open the bloody window before I burn up out here! STACY Oh! Okay! Stacy opens the window. Drew stays where he is. DREW (Irritated) You have to invite me in…? STACY Oh, sorry! Come in! Drew dives in and puts himself out. He stands up and sniffs the air. DREW Are you preparing a turkey or something? I smell dead bird. STACY That was my parakeet. He's dead now. DREW Remind me to never have you watch my cat. STACY You have a cat? DREW What? Vampires can't have pets? STACY Drew, vampires EAT pets. DREW Now that's just a horrible stereotype! STACY Wh-WAIT A MINUTE! Are you going to tell me why you were banging on my window? DREW Yes, I was wondering if you'd happen to know why that little sod you call a brother just tried to KILL ME? STACY What? Liam would never try to kill you! DREW And I don't suppose he'd ever try to shoot holy water in my eyes to blind me, but HE DID! Drew lifts up his sunglasses to reveal the burns his eyes have suffered. STACY Ohh… BARF! DREW And I don't suppose he'd chain me to my roof before sun-up and leave me to die either. But alas, the little bastard proved us both wrong now. Didn't he? STACY Wait… How did you find Upda Creek if you're blind? DREW Just sniff out all the desperation, make a left at self-pity and then a right on catastrophe. STACY Forget I asked. So why would Liam want you dead? DREW How the hell would I know? All I know is that tosser left me for dead and I want revenge! STACY But that doesn't sound like Liam… DREW Well, unless he has an evil twin, I don't think there's much of an excuse! STACY (Catching on) Oh my god! The Anti-Liam! Liam thought he was dead! DREW The Anti-who? STACY The Anti-Liam. A Liam from an alternate dimension where he's completely evil! On his Earth he killed all of us and was sent into a dimensional portal by you, Jesse and Jonathan to remain there for all time. Liam accidentally released him and he caused all kinds of havoc! According to Liam, he recently joined the Injustice Squad… which you helped fight! Why don't you remember that? DREW Well, I was more concerned with keeping Britney Spears from killing me than noticing who's who. Plus after the whole ordeal, we went for cotton candy so that took our minds off everything else. STACY Well, if we're right and the Anti Liam is impersonating our Liam, we could be in lots of danger! There's a knock at the door. ANTI-LIAM (From outside) Oh, Stacyyyyyyyyy! It's Liiiiiiiiiiam! Stacy and Drew turn towards the door in shock. STACY By the way, you didn't hear anything before you knocked on my window, did you? DREW No, I didn't hear you singing. Stacy pauses. ------ --------------- ----------- -------------- COMMERCIAL BREAK This Trailer is rated PG-13. A husband, his wife and their child are walking down the street when two thugs jump out of the alley and mug them. The thugs take the money and run off. They then hear something and look up. They see the Cosmic Weasel and Dr. Wham standing on a ledge. Cosmic Weasel: Halt, evildoers! Or face the crime-fighting fists of the Cosmic Weasel and Dr. Wham! The Cosmic Weasel steps forward, slips on some gravel, tumbles off the ledge and lands on his face. The thugs have a look of confusion on their faces. Dr. Wham: Do-over! Wild Cherry's "Play That Funky Music" starts playing in the background as we see the following images: - A T-Rex stomps its way up to Jesse and Jonathan. - Several beautiful women with spears and swords surrounding Jesse and Jonathan - Jesse and Jonathan jumping off a cliff. - Jesse face to face with an ape-man. - Jonathan sword fighting against several people. Jesse: Well, ain't that a bitch? The Cosmic Weasel & Dr. Wham In "Journey To The Lost Hidden Dinosaur World Of Atlantean Amazon Gold!" Coming soon… -------- ------------------ -------------------- INT. STACY'S APARTMENT Stacy and Drew are standing still as the Anti-Liam continues to knock on the door. DREW Okay Stacy. You let him in and I'll rip his head off. STACY Drew, you can hardly see. You may want to just calm down. DREW Why? STACY Because you're talking to my plant. DREW Oh. STACY Hide in the bedroom and I'll try to convince him to come back later! Stacy shoves Drew out of the room. But not before he collides with the door jam. DREW Ow… STACY Sorry. Stacy hurries over to the door and opens it part way to see the Anti-Liam by the door. STACY Um, Liam! It's good to see you. ANTI-LIAM Hi Stacy. Can I come in? STACY Sorry, Liam! But I'm a little busy right now. ANTI-LIAM Really? I'll only be in for a couple of minutes. STACY I can't. My new… boyfriend is in here. ANTI-LIAM New boyfriend? Who is he? STACY Oh, no one important. He's just a big angry black football player who likes knives… ANTI-LIAM O.J.? STACY No, thanks. I had breakfast. The Anti-Liam pauses. Stacy throws a shoe at Drew. STACY (Whispering) Help me out here! Drew pauses. DREW BITCH! GET BACK IN THIS BEDROOM SO I'S CAN TAP THAT ASS! Stacy's expression goes blank. The Anti-Liam raises an eyebrow. STACY (In shock) I… I. Have to go now. ANTI-LIAM I guess so. I'll just come back later. Much later. STACY Okay. Bye-bye. Stacy slams the door and stares at Drew STACY "Tap that ass"? DREW Our love isn't like Buffy and Angel, but we can make it work… STACY Oh shut up! I'm going to call anyone that can help… Five minutes later, Arturo, Donner, Bippo, Tempus and Chocolate Treat are in Stacy's place. She's filled them in on the situation. ARTURO So the Anti-Liam has returned and he's posing as our Liam? DONNER So where's OUR Liam? BIPPO And for that matter, where's Thad? And Jesse and Jonathan? CHOCOLATE TREAT Wait, there are two Liams? Ooh, can I keep one? Maybe two and I can have my own little cracker sandwich! Everyone pauses, looks at Chocolate Treat and then goes back to making their plan. TEMPUS So what IS our plan? The group stares at one another. INT. LIAM'S PLACE. The Anti-Liam walks into the bedroom. ANTI-LIAM You should check this out! Thad is so doped up, he's trying to lick his own butt! That'd be pretty funny if I didn't have to put the kid down. While the Anti-Liam's back is turned, Liam sees his keys on the nightstand, reaches for them, and grabs them and starts cutting through the ropes. The Anti-Liam is reaches for his gun and gets ready to shoot Thad. ANTI-LIAM (To Thad) All right boy, you're about to go to that puppy farm in the sky! The Anti-Liam raises his gun and is about to fire when Liam rushes out of the room and tackles the Anti-Liam. They go sprawling over the floor, the Anti-Liam's gun landing on a coffee table. Both Liam's start fighting each other. As they're beating the crap out of one another, Stacy and the group burst in. STACY Stop right there! Both Liams stand up. LIAMS Stacy! Glad you're here! The Anti Liam is trying to take over my life! (Both Liams look at each other.) Hey! Stop copying me! Knock it off! Ooh, I'm gonna give you SUCH a pinch! (A pause) Damn, you're good! STACY Okay, this is weird. DONNER No. We passed weird and went straight to stupid. BIPPO (Pulls out a knife) I say we kill 'em both and let God sort it out! DREW Wouldn't be the first time… TEMPUS Perhaps Thad can sniff out the real Liam. STACY Well… Thad? Thad stands up. THAD (Dazed) My name… is Enrique! Thad falls forward onto his face, passing out. ARTURO Perhaps we should ask questions only the real Liam would know. BIPPO Good idea! Liam! What color panties does Kari Wuhrer wear? LIAMS Trick question. Kari doesn't wear panties. BIPPO Damn, they're good! DONNER How would the Anti-Liam know that kind of stuff about Kari? ARTURO Well, clearly our Liam is a bad influence on himself. STACY Okay, I have a good question. Liam! What was it like when we kissed? LIAM Well, at the time… it was like fireworks and bombs went off. ANTI-LIAM WHAT? You kissed your sister? Man, and I thought me taking a whiz in the coffee maker was gross! Donner suddenly spits out the cup of coffee he's drinking. STACY That's him! That's the Anti-Liam! As the Anti-Liam grabs the gun off the table, Bippo throws his knife… and severs the right hand of the Anti-Liam ANTI-LIAM (Clutching hand) AAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHH! LIAM Man, why didn't anyone tell me I scream like a girl? TEMPUS Well, it looks like we don't have to worry about confusing them anymore. THAD (Stands up) BAILAMOS! Thad passes out again. --------- ------------------- ----- COMMERCIAL BREAK - Now that's what I call music! - Everybody loves the Pepper-man! - Home of the Whopper! --------- ----------- --------------- EXT. UPDA CREEK The paramedics and the police are escorting the Anti-Liam out on a stretcher. His hand is bandaged and he's in shock. Some paramedics are treating Gary. Drew wanders up to Thad, who's now back to normal. But the group is basically all together. DREW So, "Enrique". Got any songs for us? THAD (Flipping the bird to Drew) Hey, Drew. How many fingers am I holding up? DREW Touché. Liam walks up to the group. LIAM Listen guys, I feel horrible about this. It's like I'm responsible. ARTURO My good boy, we cannot be held responsible for the actions or our alternates! If that was so, I would have been shot a long time ago! A pause. STACY Besides, it's not like you did any of this yourself! No one is going to be angry at you, Liam. All of a sudden, the General Lee pulls up, the wheels are smoking. Jesse and Jonathan get out and stride up to Liam. Jesse grabs him and pins him up against the wall. JESSE You got some 'splaining to do, Lucy! JONATHAN Wanna let us in on why we were sent on a wild goose chase? LIAM Wait! It wasn't me that sent you! It was the Anti-Liam! JESSE Suuuuuure! What kind of idiots do you take us for? JONATHAN Don't worry, Liam. We'll just take you downstairs for a quick ass kicking and we'll be even. Jesse and Jonathan drag Liam off to the basement. STACY Shouldn't we do something? EVERYONE Nahhhhh! STACY Arturo! What about your "we can't be responsible for our alternate's actions" bit? ARTURO Eh, so shoot me! Arturo and the others follow. Stacy reluctantly follows. Drew is left standing on the porch. DREW Anyone want to direct me to which way heads down the stairs? A long silence. DREW Fine, I'll do it myself. Drew takes a step and falls down off-screen. We hear a thud. DREW (Off screen) Dammit. I'm probably going to miss "Family Guy". FADE OUT ROLL CREDITS DREW (Off screen) Hello? Anyone?