liam85
THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
Episode 3.28 "Counter-Parting Is Such Sweet Sorrow"
Written by Jesse Glaspey
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT
Liam is relaxing at home. He sits down on the couch and grabs
the remote and TV guide. He looks at the guide and smiles.
LIAM
Wow! "Riding On Boys In Cars"
starring Screw Barrymore is on
JiggleVision! Sweet!
Liam tosses the TV guide over his shoulder and turns on the
TV. All he sees is snow on the screen.
LIAM
Geez, I heard Ms. Barrymore let
herself go, but this is ridiculous!
Liam gets up and bangs on the TV and reaches for the phone.
Before he can get the phone, it starts ringing.
LIAM
(Getting the phone)
Hello?
VOICE
Is this Liam Smith?
LIAM
Yes. But if this is the library
calling about that Madonna book, I
swear the pages were already ripped
out when I borrowed it!
VOICE
Mr. Smith, This is A.L. Cable and
Satellite calling. Are you
experiencing technical difficulties
with your services?
LIAM
Why, yes I am!
VOICE
Yes, we'd like to gain access to
your apartment to fix the problem.
LIAM
Sure. How soon can you get…
There's a knock at the door.
LIAM
Wow. That was quick.
Liam answers the door. A cable repairman walks in.
REPAIRMAN
(Closing the door behind
him)
Hi! Where's the problem?
LIAM
(Turns around to face the
TV)
Well, it's over here. The picture
is fuzzier than Robin Williams'
back!
While Liam's back is turned, the Repairman pulls out some
brass knuckles and clocks Liam from behind, knocking him out.
INT. LIAM'S BEDROOM
Liam wakes up tied up to the bed.
LIAM
Wha…? What's going on here?
REPAIRMAN
Simple. You're an idiot that fell
for my trap.
The repairman starts pulling off his face.
LIAM
OH MY GOD! Keith Richards is
kidnapping me!
The mask comes off the repairman's face to reveal he's a
cleanly shaven Anti-Liam.
ANTI-LIAM
My god, your stupidity never ceases
to amaze me!
LIAM
Anti-Liam? But didn't you die in
that warehouse explosion?
ANTI-LIAM
Did you look for a body?
LIAM
Well, no. We pretty much went for
cotton candy after the warehouse
went up.
ANTI-LIAM
You didn't bother looking for a
body after a warehouse detonated to
see if all your enemies were truly
dead?
LIAM
Well, once we found the fourth
Tribunal, we pretty much stopped
after that… hence, the cotton
candy.
ANTI-LIAM
Well, you better have gotten all
the cotton candy you wanted. Cause
you're not gonna get any for a long
time.
LIAM
What do you mean?
ANTI-LIAM
Liam Smith. As of now, your life is
mine! I'm taking your place and I'm
going to kill everyone you love and
they're never going to see it
coming! And best of all, you're
going to live to see it!
MUSICAL STING
FADE OUT
-------------- ------------------ --------
Theme Song (Set to Uncle Kracker's "Follow Me")
Jesse Glaspey is guest writing
That raging dork
When this series ends
He'll be out of work
Time's running out for Liam Smith
And the rest of the folks
Cause Jesse's running out of
Dick and poo-poo jokes
Singin'
The Liam Smith Show is on
When season 3 ends, we'll be gone
Jesse may stop writing
I swear to God
But then again there's always
The Justice Squad
OLE!
------- ------------- --------------
The Liam Smith Show
STARRING
Dian Bachar as Liam Smith/ The Anti-Liam
CO-STARRING
Cameron Diaz as Stacy VaVoom
David Hopper as Drew Fangtastic
Seann William Scott as Thad Coffey
Neil Patrick Harris as Gary the Fanboy
Jason Lee as Jesse Glaspey/Cosmic Weasel
Jack Black as Jonathan Krueger/Dr. Wham
Robert Floyd as Bippo the Clown
John Rhys-Davies as Professor Arturo
Gary Dourdan as Tempus
RuPaul as Chocolate Treat
And MY VH-1 Award winner for Song Of The Year winner for The
Jeffersons' Parody…
Jason Donner as Donner
GUEST STARRING
Marina Sirtis as Senestra Malevolous
Billy Blanks as "Rock"
Dolph Lundgren as "Tank"
INT. LIAM'S PLACE. THE LIVING ROOM
The Anti-Liam is sitting on the couch in front of a laptop
computer.
ANTI-LIAM
You have to be kidding me!
LIAM
(Off-screen)
What?
ANTI-LIAM
I'm going through your bank
account! I was going to take all
your money and close the account,
but there's no money in there!
What, do you live paycheck to
paycheck?
LIAM
(Off-screen)
Well, now that you mention it…
ANTI-LIAM
What do you spend all your money
on? Rent, food and… Wait a minute…
Anti-Liam gets up and walks off into…
INT. LIAM'S PLACE. THE BEDROOM
Anti-Liam walks in, past the tied up Liam and opens the
closet. Hundreds of porno tapes pour out of it.
ANTI-LIAM
A-ha! So your free money goes into
this? Shame on you! This stuff'll
make you go blind! Well, I'm not
going to have this… It's all got to
go!
LIAM
(In tears)
All of it?
ANTI-LIAM
All of it.
One tape catches the Anti-Liam's eye. "C**k Star: The story
of a wannabe who got to be."
ANTI-LIAM
(Takes the tape)
Except this one. I'm keeping this.
LIAM
What are you going to do with the
rest of them?
Anti-Liam slowly turns to the window.
EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS.
Gary the Fanboy is walking up. A couple of video tapes land
in front of him.
GARY
"Say It Isn't Ho"? "See Spot
(BLEEP)"? Holy moley! Free nudie
movies! It's my lucky day!
Gary then hears a rumbling. He looks up to see an avalanche
of porn coming straight down towards him.
GARY
Mother!
Gary holds up a sign to the camera that reads "Eep!" The
porno avalanche then knocks out Gary.
INT. LIAM'S PLACE. THE BEDROOM.
Anti-Liam dusts his hands off.
LIAM
You heartless bastard! What's your
next move?
ANTI-LIAM
Glad you asked. I'm going to go
take care of two certain super
heroes that shot me in the leg!
LIAM
Oh they'll see right through your
ruse! They're a lot cleverer than
you give them credit for!
ANTI-LIAM
Oh really? I better play this
subtle then, huh?
INT. JESSE & JONATHAN'S PLACE.
Jesse and Jonathan are playing air hockey.
JESSE
… Hell, yo momma's a freak! I'd
have been your daddy, but the line
was too long!
JONATHAN
Why you…
The Anti-Liam barges in. He's screaming and waving his arms
frantically.
ANTI-LIAM
MY GOD! THE HORROR! THE HORROR! THE
PENGUINS! THE PENGUINNNNNNNNSSS!
JESSE
Liam? What's going on?
ANTI-LIAM
(Gasping for air)
Calgary… Justice Squad in trouble…
killer zombie penguins… HURRY!
JESSE
Great beasties! There's no time to
lose! To the Weasel Wagon!
JONATHAN
Um, problem!
JESSE
What?
JONATHAN
There's a problem with the Weasel
Wagon…
JESSE
What's the problem?
JONATHAN
KITT ran away.
JESSE
Damn! I knew we should have put
that thing on a leash!
JONATHAN
It's cool! I got us another car!
ANTI-LIAM
Whatever! Just get going!
EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS
Anti-Liam, Jesse and Jonathan are staring at The General Lee
from "The Dukes Of Hazzard".
JONATHAN
The cool thing is, the car has
like, five barrels of moonshine in
the back!
JESSE
YEE-HAW!
Jesse and Jonathan drive off. The Anti-Liam starts to smile.
INT. LIAM'S PLACE. THE BEDROOM.
The Anti-Liam is throwing various books, videos, photos and
other personal belongings of Liam's into a fiery wastebasket.
LIAM
You just sent them away? But they
could come back at anytime! And
when they find out you sent them on
a wild goose chase… they're gonna
be pissed!
ANTI-LIAM
Oh, please! If those two morons
don't get themselves killed
crossing the border, a shiny object
will distract them or maybe they'll
search for treasure or some crap
like that. Assuming they make it to
Calgary at all. Those twits headed
south… Calgary is north.
LIAM
Give them SOME credit! They know
where Canada is!
EXT. THE MEXICAN BORDER
Jesse is looking at a map. Jonathan is staring at the desert
horizon.
JONATHAN
Damn dude… Where's all those snowy
woodlands I heard about?
JESSE
Yeah, really. Anne Murray was full
of s**t.
INT. LIAM'S PLACE
The Anti-Liam is throwing darts at a picture of Liam's mom
when Bippo and Thad barge in.
BIPPO & THAD
Hello!
ANTI-LIAM
GAH! What the hell? Don't you two
idiots know how to knock? What's
your problem?
BIPPO
What's our problem? What's your
problem? We have to go to work
today! Unless, you're taking
another sick day, that is. And I
doubt Senestra will buy into that
again unless you barf up a lung or
something. Speaking of lungs,
don't touch my lunch.
Bippo holds up a Capeman lunchbox.
ANTI-LIAM
Ah, okay. I have to go to work.
I'll meet you guys downstairs.
Bippo and Thad are leaving. Thad sniffs the air.
BIPPO
What's the matter? Smell something?
It wasn't me, I swear!
THAD
No, just something… familiar.
Nothing really important right now.
The Anti-Liam gags Liam, waves bye-bye and leaves for work.
LIAM
(Gagged)
Affhowle.
INT. CIRCUS CIRCUS.
The Anti-Liam is at his blackjack table. His feet are kicked
up on the table, he has hundreds of chips in front of him and
he's drinking a beer.
ANTI-LIAM
Oh, look! You've got an ace and a
king. I have an ace and a two. I
win!
The nun he's playing against frowns at him.
NUN
Young man! I think you're trying to
cheat!
ANTI-LIAM
Oh yeah? I think you're trying to
cheat the casino! SECURITY! THIS
LADY IS COUNTING CARDS!
Security comes over and drags the nun away. Another customer,
a well-dressed businessman walks up to the blackjack table.
BUSINESSMAN
Hi.
ANTI-LIAM
F**k off. I'm taking my break now.
Anti-Liam walks off with his beer and chips. He bumps into
the businessman as he walks away.
ANTI-LIAM
I'm sorry about that. Let me fix
your coat.
The Anti-Liam fixes the businessman's coat and walks away.
The Anti-Liam checks out the wallet he just lifted off the
businessman as he's walking. He walks over to the kiddie
playground, sits down and lights up a cigarette. The kids
start coughing but the Anti-Liam doesn't pay attention.
Senestra, Tank and Rock walk up.
SENESTRA
Mr. Smith! We need to have a talk!
ANTI-LIAM
Can it wait? I'm on my break!
SENESTRA
Yes. Your fifth break today! We've
been hearing complaints about you.
We were watching you earlier and
we've seen you lie, cheat and steal
from the customers!
ANTI-LIAM
(Stands up)
Oh, really? What are you going to
do about it? Fire me?
SENESTRA
Actually, I've been looking for an
employee with your kind of
initiative and moral ambiguity!
We're promoting you!
ANTI-LIAM
Hmph. Okay, whatever. I'm going to
finish my break. I'll be back
later… maybe. I have something to
do. Later, sweet-cheeks!
The Anti-Liam walks away and slaps Senestra on her ass as he
walks away.
SENESTRA
Now why am I so aroused by that?
Senestra walks off. Rock and Tank look at one another.
ROCK
Evil clone?
TANK
Definitely.
INT. LIBERACE'S TOMB. DREW'S PLACE.
Drew is watching TV.
DREW
Oh, Spike you blind idiot! Can't
you see Buffy doesn't love you!
She's still recovering from all her
losses!
There's a knock on his door. Drew gets up and answers it.
It's the Anti-Liam
ANTI-LIAM
Hey, Drew! Mind if I come in?
DREW
Well, the whole invitation thing
usually only applies to vampires,
but you can come in.
(Sniffs the air)
Is there something different about
you?
ANTI-LIAM
Nothing that I know of!
Drew turns away to go back to watching TV.
DREW
Can I get you something to drink? I
don't have much besides blood, but
I think I have a Zima.
He turns around to see the Anti-Liam holding a crucifix.
ANTI-LIAM
No, thanks.
Drew flinches at the crucifix but then stands up again.
DREW
Hey! That's not a real crucifix!
That looks like it's made of
rubber!
ANTI-LIAM
You're right.
DREW
So is there a reason I shouldn't
tear your bloody head off right
now?
ANTI-LIAM
Well, the holy water in the
crucifix might play a part.
The Anti-Liam squeezes the crucifix, sending a stream of holy
water into Drew's eyes, burning them.
DREW
ARGH! You little bastard! When I
get my hands on you…
The Anti-Liam grabs a bust of Liberace's head and bashes it
over Drew's head, knocking him out.
ANTI-LIAM
That's not going to happen, my
friend. Because I have plans for
you…
------ --------------- ------------ ------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Coming soon to FOX and UPN… One of your favorite shows teams
up with a show only five people watch!
X-FILES: ROSWELL!!!
Doggett: So, where are you kids from?
Max points up.
Doggett: Canada, huh? Well! See you later!
Doggett walks off.
X-FILES: ROSWELL! Followed by MUTANT X GOES TO SMALLVILLE!
--- -------------- ----------------- ------
EXT. LIBERACE'S TOMB. THE ROOF.
Drew wakes up chained to the roof. He can hardly see due to
the burns in his eyes.
DREW
Liam? Where am I? What's going on?
ANTI-LIAM
I've chained you to the roof of
your tomb. And just so you know,
it's 5:02. Sunrise is in roughly 58
minutes. Nice seeing you again!
DREW
WHAT? Why are you doing this Liam?
ANTI-LIAM
Let's just say I'm preventing
history from repeating itself! Have
a nice day! And don't get too much
sun! Those UV rays are killer!
Anti-Liam leaves.
DREW
LIAM! LIAAAAAM! YOU LITTLE TOERAG,
GET YOUR BLOODY CARCASS BACK HERE!
THIS IS NOT FUNNY!
Drew pauses.
DREW
Damn. I'm going to miss Rocky and
Bullwinkle.
INT. LIAM'S PLACE.
There is a rustling at the door. It's suddenly forced open as
Thad sneaks in. He starts sniffing around and walks into
Liam's bedroom and sees him tied up to the bed.
THAD
Liam! What happened?
LIAM
(Gagged)
Fad! Ani-lum kinnap meh!
THAD
What?
LIAM
(Gagged)
Gouk ott!
THAD
Huh?
LIAM
(Gagged)
GOUK OTT!
THAD
I can't understand you, dude! Let
me get this gag off you…
ANTI-LIAM
No need. He said, "Look out".
Thad turns around and wolfs out.
THAD
I knew it! You weren't our Liam!
You had an overpowering scent of
confidence and arrogance! Something
our Liam wouldn't be able to spell
much less have!
LIAM
(Gagged)
Wha?
ANTI-LIAM
Blab, blab blab! Let me guess…
you're the kind of dog with all
bark and no bite!
THAD
Oh, I bite! I BITE!
Thad pounces towards the Anti-Liam. The Anti-Liam pulls out a
tranquilizer gun and shoots Thad repeatedly. Thad lands in
front of the Anti-Liam, unconscious and in human form.
ANTI-LIAM
Truer words were never spoken. You
know, Liam… I could kill him right
now but seeing people all wasted
reminds me of when I used to hang
out with Christian Slater. I'm
going to chain him up and give YOU
the choice of which of your friends
I kill next!
The Anti-Liam pulls off Liam's gag.
LIAM
Me?
ANTI-LIAM
Yep. You're going to tell me which
one of your friends I kill.
LIAM
Like heck I am!
ANTI-LIAM
(Starts to leave)
Okay, I'll start with your sister.
LIAM
NO!
ANTI-LIAM
(Stops)
So do you have a suggestion?
LIAM
Um… Gary.
ANTI-LIAM
Gary? Fanboy Gary? He wasn't very
fun to kill on MY Earth, and I have
to kill him again?
LIAM
Well, if I HAVE to choose someone…
ANTI-LIAM
Well, I guess beggars can't be
choosers.
INT. GARY'S APARTMENT
There's a knock on Gary's door. Gary (wearing a massive
bandage on his head) opens the door to see the Anti-Liam.
ANTI-LIAM
Gar! Buddy! Pal! Can I have a talk
with you? I need to find out who
directed the third episode of
"Misfits Of Science"!
GARY
You're lucky! I just got the entire
series on DVD! Come on in!
The Anti-Liam walks in and stares at Gary's apartment. He
sees posters of Jeri Ryan and Lexa Doig everywhere as well as
hundreds of action figures.
ANTI-LIAM
(Staring off camera)
Wow! They actually made figures of
Millennium?
The Anti-Liam hears a familiar snap and hiss. The Anti-Liam
turns around to see Gary standing in front of him holding up
a very clearly working light-saber.
ANTI-LIAM
Now, why am I not surprised you
actually have a working one of
those things?
GARY
I'll answer when you tell me who
the hell you are!
ANTI-LIAM
You can tell, also? Jesus…
GARY
I've read enough comics to know an
evil twin when I see one! The way
you talk and carry yourself are
dead giveaways!
ANTI-LIAM
Forgive me, but when I kidnapped
the real Liam Smith, I didn't
exactly Meryl Streep the role I was
taking!
GARY
Whatever! You picked the wrong
fanboy to mess with!
ANTI-LIAM
Do you know how to use that thing?
GARY
Of course! I watch Star Wars
everyday!
ANTI-LIAM
Oh, of course.
(Mockingly)
"Look out! Jedi master on the
loose! Mothers, hide your
daughters! Qui-Gonn Jackass is on
the prowl!"
The Anti-Liam starts laughing hysterically.
GARY
Stop that!
ANTI-LIAM
(Goofy voice)
"I have not been so terrified since
a Jawa flashed me! Because that
Jawa's wee-wee reminded me of the
scourge that is Gary!"
GARY
Stop laughing at me!
The Anti-Liam suddenly lunges and grabs the lightsaber out of
Gary's hand. He tosses it across the room and glares at Gary.
GARY
You're not gonna kill me, are you?
ANTI-LIAM
No. I'm going to kill people worth
my time. You, I'll just beat the
living hell out of.
The Anti-Liam punches Gary out. The Anti-Liam the grabs a
large Gundam Wing toy and starts beating Gary repeatedly with
it. He then throws the toy down and sits on a nearby chair.
ANTI-LIAM
(Wiping blood off his
hands.)
You know what's weird, Gar? I came
here to kill every one of you. And
instead, I've tied three of you up,
sent two of you to Canada and I'm
leaving you a bloody mess!
The Anti-Liam kicks Gary one more time.
ANTI-LIAM
I'm going to have to make up for
lost time! I'm off to kill that
little blonde Liam calls a sister!
GARY
(Bleeding and near
unconsciousness)
S-s-stacy….
ANTI-LIAM
That's the one! Thanks, Gar! Knew
you weren't completely useless!
The Anti-Liam kicks Gary in the face, finally knocking him
out. The Anti-Liam leaves.
INT. STACY'S APARTMENT
Stacy's alarm goes off and she wakes up. She's smiling
brightly.
STACY
(Singing)
Oh, I could hide 'neath the wings
Of the bluebird as she sings.
The six o'clock alarm would never
ring.
But it rings and I rise,
Wipe the sleep out of my eyes.
My shavin' razor's cold and it
stings.
Stacy walks over to her pet parakeet. It flutters up and sits
on her finger.
STACY
(Still singing)
Cheer up, Sleepy Jean.
Oh, what can it mean.
To a daydream believer
And a homecoming queen!
All of a sudden there's a loud pounding on her window. The
sudden noise startles Stacy and she accidentally flings her
sparrow off her finger into the fan. The feathers fly
everywhere and Stacy's expression changes from happiness to
shock. She then hangs her head down.
STACY
This day is off to a perfect start.
Stacy walks over to the window and opens the blinds to see
what caused the racket. She sees Drew, covered in a blanket
and wearing sunglasses on the fire escape. He's smoking
pretty badly.
DREW
Open the bloody window before I
burn up out here!
STACY
Oh! Okay!
Stacy opens the window. Drew stays where he is.
DREW
(Irritated)
You have to invite me in…?
STACY
Oh, sorry! Come in!
Drew dives in and puts himself out. He stands up and sniffs
the air.
DREW
Are you preparing a turkey or
something? I smell dead bird.
STACY
That was my parakeet. He's dead
now.
DREW
Remind me to never have you watch
my cat.
STACY
You have a cat?
DREW
What? Vampires can't have pets?
STACY
Drew, vampires EAT pets.
DREW
Now that's just a horrible
stereotype!
STACY
Wh-WAIT A MINUTE! Are you going to
tell me why you were banging on my
window?
DREW
Yes, I was wondering if you'd
happen to know why that little sod
you call a brother just tried to
KILL ME?
STACY
What? Liam would never try to kill
you!
DREW
And I don't suppose he'd ever try
to shoot holy water in my eyes to
blind me, but HE DID!
Drew lifts up his sunglasses to reveal the burns his eyes
have suffered.
STACY
Ohh… BARF!
DREW
And I don't suppose he'd chain me
to my roof before sun-up and leave
me to die either. But alas, the
little bastard proved us both wrong
now. Didn't he?
STACY
Wait… How did you find Upda Creek
if you're blind?
DREW
Just sniff out all the desperation,
make a left at self-pity and then a
right on catastrophe.
STACY
Forget I asked. So why would Liam
want you dead?
DREW
How the hell would I know? All I
know is that tosser left me for
dead and I want revenge!
STACY
But that doesn't sound like Liam…
DREW
Well, unless he has an evil twin, I
don't think there's much of an
excuse!
STACY
(Catching on)
Oh my god! The Anti-Liam! Liam
thought he was dead!
DREW
The Anti-who?
STACY
The Anti-Liam. A Liam from an
alternate dimension where he's
completely evil! On his Earth he
killed all of us and was sent into
a dimensional portal by you, Jesse
and Jonathan to remain there for
all time. Liam accidentally
released him and he caused all
kinds of havoc! According to Liam,
he recently joined the Injustice
Squad… which you helped fight! Why
don't you remember that?
DREW
Well, I was more concerned with
keeping Britney Spears from killing
me than noticing who's who. Plus
after the whole ordeal, we went for
cotton candy so that took our minds
off everything else.
STACY
Well, if we're right and the Anti
Liam is impersonating our Liam, we
could be in lots of danger!
There's a knock at the door.
ANTI-LIAM
(From outside)
Oh, Stacyyyyyyyyy! It's
Liiiiiiiiiiam!
Stacy and Drew turn towards the door in shock.
STACY
By the way, you didn't hear
anything before you knocked on my
window, did you?
DREW
No, I didn't hear you singing.
Stacy pauses.
------ --------------- ----------- --------------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
This Trailer is rated PG-13.
A husband, his wife and their child are walking down the
street when two thugs jump out of the alley and mug them. The
thugs take the money and run off. They then hear something
and look up. They see the Cosmic Weasel and Dr. Wham standing
on a ledge.
Cosmic Weasel: Halt, evildoers! Or face the crime-fighting
fists of the Cosmic Weasel and Dr. Wham!
The Cosmic Weasel steps forward, slips on some gravel,
tumbles off the ledge and lands on his face. The thugs have a
look of confusion on their faces.
Dr. Wham: Do-over!
Wild Cherry's "Play That Funky Music" starts playing in the
background as we see the following images:
- A T-Rex stomps its way up to Jesse and Jonathan.
- Several beautiful women with spears and swords surrounding
Jesse and Jonathan
- Jesse and Jonathan jumping off a cliff.
- Jesse face to face with an ape-man.
- Jonathan sword fighting against several people.
Jesse: Well, ain't that a bitch?
The Cosmic Weasel & Dr. Wham
In
"Journey To The Lost Hidden Dinosaur World Of Atlantean
Amazon Gold!"
Coming soon…
-------- ------------------ --------------------
INT. STACY'S APARTMENT
Stacy and Drew are standing still as the Anti-Liam continues
to knock on the door.
DREW
Okay Stacy. You let him in and I'll
rip his head off.
STACY
Drew, you can hardly see. You may
want to just calm down.
DREW
Why?
STACY
Because you're talking to my plant.
DREW
Oh.
STACY
Hide in the bedroom and I'll try to
convince him to come back later!
Stacy shoves Drew out of the room. But not before he collides
with the door jam.
DREW
Ow…
STACY
Sorry.
Stacy hurries over to the door and opens it part way to see
the Anti-Liam by the door.
STACY
Um, Liam! It's good to see you.
ANTI-LIAM
Hi Stacy. Can I come in?
STACY
Sorry, Liam! But I'm a little busy
right now.
ANTI-LIAM
Really? I'll only be in for a
couple of minutes.
STACY
I can't. My new… boyfriend is in
here.
ANTI-LIAM
New boyfriend? Who is he?
STACY
Oh, no one important. He's just a
big angry black football player who
likes knives…
ANTI-LIAM
O.J.?
STACY
No, thanks. I had breakfast.
The Anti-Liam pauses. Stacy throws a shoe at Drew.
STACY
(Whispering)
Help me out here!
Drew pauses.
DREW
BITCH! GET BACK IN THIS BEDROOM SO
I'S CAN TAP THAT ASS!
Stacy's expression goes blank. The Anti-Liam raises an
eyebrow.
STACY
(In shock)
I… I. Have to go now.
ANTI-LIAM
I guess so. I'll just come back
later. Much later.
STACY
Okay. Bye-bye.
Stacy slams the door and stares at Drew
STACY
"Tap that ass"?
DREW
Our love isn't like Buffy and
Angel, but we can make it work…
STACY
Oh shut up! I'm going to call
anyone that can help…
Five minutes later, Arturo, Donner, Bippo, Tempus and
Chocolate Treat are in Stacy's place. She's filled them in on
the situation.
ARTURO
So the Anti-Liam has returned and
he's posing as our Liam?
DONNER
So where's OUR Liam?
BIPPO
And for that matter, where's Thad?
And Jesse and Jonathan?
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Wait, there are two Liams? Ooh, can
I keep one? Maybe two and I can
have my own little cracker
sandwich!
Everyone pauses, looks at Chocolate Treat and then goes back
to making their plan.
TEMPUS
So what IS our plan?
The group stares at one another.
INT. LIAM'S PLACE.
The Anti-Liam walks into the bedroom.
ANTI-LIAM
You should check this out! Thad is
so doped up, he's trying to lick
his own butt! That'd be pretty
funny if I didn't have to put the
kid down.
While the Anti-Liam's back is turned, Liam sees his keys on
the nightstand, reaches for them, and grabs them and starts
cutting through the ropes. The Anti-Liam is reaches for his
gun and gets ready to shoot Thad.
ANTI-LIAM
(To Thad)
All right boy, you're about to go
to that puppy farm in the sky!
The Anti-Liam raises his gun and is about to fire when Liam
rushes out of the room and tackles the Anti-Liam. They go
sprawling over the floor, the Anti-Liam's gun landing on a
coffee table. Both Liam's start fighting each other. As
they're beating the crap out of one another, Stacy and the
group burst in.
STACY
Stop right there!
Both Liams stand up.
LIAMS
Stacy! Glad you're here! The Anti
Liam is trying to take over my
life!
(Both Liams look at each
other.)
Hey! Stop copying me! Knock it off!
Ooh, I'm gonna give you SUCH a
pinch!
(A pause)
Damn, you're good!
STACY
Okay, this is weird.
DONNER
No. We passed weird and went
straight to stupid.
BIPPO
(Pulls out a knife)
I say we kill 'em both and let God
sort it out!
DREW
Wouldn't be the first time…
TEMPUS
Perhaps Thad can sniff out the real
Liam.
STACY
Well… Thad?
Thad stands up.
THAD
(Dazed)
My name… is Enrique!
Thad falls forward onto his face, passing out.
ARTURO
Perhaps we should ask questions
only the real Liam would know.
BIPPO
Good idea! Liam! What color panties
does Kari Wuhrer wear?
LIAMS
Trick question. Kari doesn't wear
panties.
BIPPO
Damn, they're good!
DONNER
How would the Anti-Liam know that
kind of stuff about Kari?
ARTURO
Well, clearly our Liam is a bad
influence on himself.
STACY
Okay, I have a good question. Liam!
What was it like when we kissed?
LIAM
Well, at the time… it was like
fireworks and bombs went off.
ANTI-LIAM
WHAT? You kissed your sister? Man,
and I thought me taking a whiz in
the coffee maker was gross!
Donner suddenly spits out the cup of coffee he's drinking.
STACY
That's him! That's the Anti-Liam!
As the Anti-Liam grabs the gun off the table, Bippo throws
his knife… and severs the right hand of the Anti-Liam
ANTI-LIAM
(Clutching hand)
AAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHH!
LIAM
Man, why didn't anyone tell me I
scream like a girl?
TEMPUS
Well, it looks like we don't have
to worry about confusing them
anymore.
THAD
(Stands up)
BAILAMOS!
Thad passes out again.
--------- ------------------- -----
COMMERCIAL BREAK
- Now that's what I call music!
- Everybody loves the Pepper-man!
- Home of the Whopper!
--------- ----------- ---------------
EXT. UPDA CREEK
The paramedics and the police are escorting the Anti-Liam out
on a stretcher. His hand is bandaged and he's in shock. Some
paramedics are treating Gary. Drew wanders up to Thad, who's
now back to normal. But the group is basically all together.
DREW
So, "Enrique". Got any songs for
us?
THAD
(Flipping the bird to
Drew)
Hey, Drew. How many fingers am I
holding up?
DREW
Touché.
Liam walks up to the group.
LIAM
Listen guys, I feel horrible about
this. It's like I'm responsible.
ARTURO
My good boy, we cannot be held
responsible for the actions or our
alternates! If that was so, I would
have been shot a long time ago!
A pause.
STACY
Besides, it's not like you did any
of this yourself! No one is going
to be angry at you, Liam.
All of a sudden, the General Lee pulls up, the wheels are
smoking. Jesse and Jonathan get out and stride up to Liam.
Jesse grabs him and pins him up against the wall.
JESSE
You got some 'splaining to do,
Lucy!
JONATHAN
Wanna let us in on why we were sent
on a wild goose chase?
LIAM
Wait! It wasn't me that sent you!
It was the Anti-Liam!
JESSE
Suuuuuure! What kind of idiots do
you take us for?
JONATHAN
Don't worry, Liam. We'll just take
you downstairs for a quick ass
kicking and we'll be even.
Jesse and Jonathan drag Liam off to the basement.
STACY
Shouldn't we do something?
EVERYONE
Nahhhhh!
STACY
Arturo! What about your "we can't
be responsible for our alternate's
actions" bit?
ARTURO
Eh, so shoot me!
Arturo and the others follow. Stacy reluctantly follows. Drew
is left standing on the porch.
DREW
Anyone want to direct me to which
way heads down the stairs?
A long silence.
DREW
Fine, I'll do it myself.
Drew takes a step and falls down off-screen. We hear a thud.
DREW
(Off screen)
Dammit. I'm probably going to miss
"Family Guy".
FADE OUT
ROLL CREDITS
DREW
(Off screen)
Hello? Anyone?