The Liam Smith Show
Episode 2.25: "Liam Buys a Car"
Written by Jason Donner
EXT. THE STREETS OF LAS VEGAS
LIAM SMITH is seen walking down the street to work.
CHOCOLATE TREAT walks up next to him.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Hey Baby, punctual as usual, huh?
8:33 every day, I see you walk by
my street corner on your way to
work. Honey, I could set my watch
by you if I hadn't have lost it
doing a trick last week.
Liam looks at her.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Don't ask. Hey, can I ask you a
question?
LIAM
Sure, as long as it doesn't involve
you asking to tie me up, strip me
naked, and lick honey off of every
square inch of my quivering body.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Can I ask a different question?
LIAM
Okay.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Every day I see you walk to work.
Why don't you buy a car?
LIAM
Well, walkings good for you and...
A mugger jumps out from an alley.
MUGGER
You know the drill, Liam.
LIAM
Of course.
Liam hands the mugger his wallet.
MUGGER
See you tomorrow.
LIAM
Tomorrow then.
The mugger runs off.
LIAM
Walking is good for you and it's
good for the environment. Besides,
if I ever need to go any where,
I've always got Mister Hilter's old
pick up truck.
The pick-up truck pulls up next to Liam and Chocolate Treat.
JESSE and JONATHAN poke their heads out.
JESSE
What's up, Liam?
LIAM
(a little concerned)
What are you two doing with the
truck!?
JONATHAN
We're on our way to the Las Vegas
Public Library!
LIAM
The library?
JESSE
Yeah, the "L" fell off the "public"
sign so me and Jon are going to go
stare at it and take pictures for
National Lampoon.
JOHNATHAN
We'd better hurry before those
right-wing moralistic bastards fix
it!
JESSE
Buckle up, compadrie! TO THE
LIBRARY!
Jesse steps on the gas. The Pick Up squeals out of frame and
we hear a tremendous crash. A hubcap rolls past Liam and
Chocolate Treat.
JESSE (O.C.)
We're okay!
JOHNATHAN (O.C.)
The dashboard cushioned the impact!
BLAM! A red blast flares off screen. Liam and Chocolate
Treat squint as small flaming bits fall around them.
JESSE (O.C.)
We're still okay!
JOHNATHAN (O.C.)
Just flaming!
(a beat)
No, wait...
Liam and Chocolate Treat go back to talking.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
(sighs)
The only thing worse than an idiot
is an indestructible idiot and the
only thing worse than That? Two
indestructible idiots.
LIAM
Well, so much for motorized
transportation... I'll just have to
use the legs that God and three
years in braces gave me.
WHAM! Liam is hit by a car and thrown backwards into a
casino window.
INT. THE CASINO
Liam lands at the base of a slot machine. The alarm goes off
and nickels begin raining down on him. Chocolate Treat runs
inside to him.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Are you all right?
An OLD WOMAN steps up next to her.
OLD WOMAN
Of COURSE he's all right! He just
hit the super-duper-ultra-ultra
super-phenominal-mega-wow-wow
nickel slot jackpot! That's TEN
THOUSAND!
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Dollars?
OLD WOMAN
Nickels.
Liam is still being showered with nickels.
LIAM
You're saying I just won five
hundred dollars in nickels?
OLD WOMAN
Yes!
Liam looks at the nickels and then at Chocolate Treat.
LIAM
I'm going to take this as a sign
that I should buy a car.
The Old Woman picks Liam up by his collar.
OLD WOMAN
You should also take it as a sign
to watch your ass, little man! Me
and the girls spent a YEAR trying
to win the super-duper-ultra-ultra
super-phenominal-mega-wow-wow
nickel slot jackpot and loosing is
not something we take lightly!
The Old Woman throws him down and stomps off.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Eh, what are they going to do?
Stone you with ribbon candy?
LIAM
Cool... I'm going to get a car! A
car of my own!
FADE OUT:
--------------------------------------------------------------
Theme Song (To the theme of "Car 54 Where Are You?")
There is chaos in the streets,
and Las Vegas is agast.
Here's the forces of evil,
come to kick everybody's ass.
More than ever it is clear,
we need a hero to appear!
Hey Liam Smith, where are you?
OLE!
--------------------------------------------------------------
The Liam Smith Show: guaranteed odor absorbant and the only show that leaves you feeling fresh and more feminine.
FADE IN:
EXT. JOE JIM BOB BUB'S USED KLUNKERS
Liam is walking among several old used heaps being passed off
as cars. He kicks the wheel of an old Voltswagon Beetle and
it falls apart right in front of him. Liam leaps out of the
way and into the arms of JOE JIM BOB BUB, the salesman.
JOE JIM BOB BUB
I understand you're looking for a
car!
LIAM
AH!
Liam falls to the ground and backs away.
LIAM
Jesus! Where did YOU come from!
JOE JIM BOB BUB
We've got all sorts of high-low
quality vehicles here at Joe Jim
Bob Bub's Used Clunkers.
LIAM
I was wondering if...
JOE JIM BOB BUB
I tell you what, son. I like you
so I'm gonna make you a deal on
this thrice-used 1981 yellow school
bus for $899 down and 500 dollar
monthly payment over the next five
years. Just sign here and it's all
yours!
Joe Jim Bob Bub produces a contract and a pen he shoves into
Liam's face. Liam pushes them away.
LIAM
What can I get for five hundred
dollars?
JOE JIM BOB BUB
Five hundred dollars? Nothing in
the high-low quality lot. Let's
mosey over to the medium-low
quality lot.
They walk to another section of the lot.
JOE JIM BOB BUB
Take a look at THIS beauty!
LIAM
That's a frame with four wheels.
It doesn't even have an engine!
JOE JIM BOB BUB
Yeah, but you'd be surprised how
that cuts down on gas milage! Just
sign here!
Joe Jim Bob Bub shoves another contract in Liam's face.
LIAM
(pushes it away)
I'm not signing that! It promises
you my first born child!
JOE JIM BOB BUB
(smiles)
I like a man who knows how to
haggle. How about this piece of
cra... I mean, art?
Joe Jim Bob Bub indicates a soap box racer.
LIAM
(excited)
COOL! I'LL TAKE IT! I mean... NO!
Must... fight... Impulse... BUYING!
(a beat)
All right, we've seen the high-low
quality lot and the medium-low
quality lot. Is there a low-low
quality lot?
JOE JIM BOB BUB
(points)
Over there.
LIAM
But that's the exit.
Joe Jim Bob Bub is about to kick Liam out when Liam sees
something.
LIAM
Hey, what's that?
Liam runs over to a huge pile of newspapers where we see a
shiny chrome fender jutting out of the pile. Liam pulls the
newspapers off revealing a beautiful 1968 Corvette
Convertible.
LIAM
Swooooooon! How much?
JOE JIM BOB BUB
Hmm... I don't remember ever seeing
THAT on the lot. But I can't let
it go for anything less than two
thousand.
LIAM
Five hundred.
JOE JIM BOB BUB
One thousand.
LIAM
Five hundred.
JOE JIM BOB BUB
Seven fifty?
LIAM
Five hundred.
JOE JIM BOB BUB
Five hundred.
LIAM
Three fifty.
JOE JIM BOB BUB
Look, you're taking this car for
four hundred and not a penny more!
LIAM
You drive a hard bargain Bob Jim
Blain... Barn... Joe.
Liam hands him a sack full of nickels and skips off to his
new car.
JOE JIM BOB BUB
Heh... I Would have gone to four
twenty five if he'd just...
(a beat)
Damn.
(a beat)
Why did my mom and dad have to be
cousins?
EXT. THE STREETS OF LAS VEGAS
We see the front end of Liam's car enter frame as the Beach
Boy's "409" plays loudly. As the car slowly drives by, we
see that no one is sitting in the drivers seat. As the back
end of the car enters frame, we see Liam pushing the rear.
Several other cars are behind him honking angrily.
INT. A GARAGE
Liam's car is there as Liam shines the hood. THAD, BIPPO,
ARTURO and DONNER enter wearing mechanics clothes.
DONNER
Are you sure this is such a good
idea, Liam? I mean, couldn't you
at least have gotten a real
mechanic to get this heap moving?
LIAM
I would have, but I spent the last
bit of my money on detailing paint
and this...
Liam points to a pair of fuzzy dice hanging from the rear
view mirror.
THAD
(enchanted)
COOL! Liam, this is the COOLEST
car ever! I'm going to enjoy
getting under the hood of this
baby!
BIPPO
Can't wait to hear this engine purr
like a cute, unsuspecting, and
totally defenseless kitten.
DONNER
(sour)
Yes, putting a car back together
should be an entirely new
experience for the both of you.
Arturo is looking under the hood.
ARTURO
That's odd. There seems to be a
rather sophisticated computer
system in here.
LIAM
What's it for?
BIPPO
There's only one way to find out!
ARTURO
Yes, through rigorous testing and
scientific method.
BIPPO
Well, sure... If you're a pussy. I
was thinking of something more
brash and foolhardy... Something
like... THIS!!!
Bippo reaches in and connects two wires.
ARTURO
You FOOL! We have no idea why that
wire was cut!
LIAM
DUCK AND COVER!!!
Everyone but Bippo runs for shelter. There is a long pause
as Bippo stands there tapping his foot.
BIPPO
Are you all done being total
chodes?
Liam, Thad, Donner, and Arturo stick their heads up.
DONNER
Nothing go boom?
BIPPO
Yeah, nothing go boom! What,
you've never heard of an on board
computer?
ARTURO
Not in a 1968 Chevy!
BIPPO
Sh'yeah! Have you ever heard of
installation? Hell-OOOO!? All
right, here's what I suggest...
First, we take apart the starter
and see if the problem is there.
Then we take apart the fuel
manifold and clean it out
thoroughly. If that doesn't work,
we'll start with the carburetor and
work our way to the problem.
LIAM
All right, you heard the clown!
Let's get to fixin'!
FADE TO:
EXT. THE STREETS OF LAS VEGAS
The song "These Boots Are Made For Walkin'" plays as the car
slowly enters frame as it did before. When the driver's seat
finally reaches the screen we see Liam sitting in the
driver's seat with Thad, Bippo, Arturo, Donner, Stacy, and
Doris inside as well.
ARTURO
Liam, you drive like an old woman!
DORIS
You've never seen ME drive, fat boy
You ever hear that song "The Little
Old Lady From Pasadena"? That was
written about me!
DONNER
You knew The Beach Boys?
DORIS
Knew 'em? Honey, I was boinking
Brian Wilson!
Donner thinks about that for a second and then begins hitting
the side of his head.
DONNER
OUT! OUT FOUL IMAGE! OUT!
LIAM
Well, it's been a long week hasn't
it, guys?
THAD
Yep. A week of hard work, labor,
and toil working on this baby.
BIPPO
We put a lot of work into it, all
right.
DONNER
Yep, an entire week before we gave
up and asked Stacy and Doris to fix
it.
STACY
And it took us all of five minutes.
DORIS
I can't believe you just didn't
check the gas gauge when it
wouldn't start.
STACY
Still, this is an awesome car!
DORIS
Yeah, sort of like that TV show
with Dezi Arnez, Jr. with the
handsome guy from Star Trek: The
Motion Picture and the high-tech
crime-fighting car? Automan?
LIAM
No, it's a manual.
RIM SHOT
FADE TO:
INT. THE CAR - LATER
Liam is driving alone on his way to work. He is whistling
and smiling.
LIAM
What a gorgeous day.
CAR
Yes it is.
LIAM
I'm so glad you... WHOA!
EXT. THE STREETS OF LAS VEGAS
The car screeches to a halt in the middle of the street and
Liam jumps out.
LIAM
GREMLINS! GREMLINS!
CAR
Relax Liam. I am not a Gremlin. I
am your car's on board computer
system. Your clown friend
reconnected me. Remember?
Liam slowly approaches the car.
LIAM
You're my car's computer?
CAR
Yes.
LIAM
Why haven't you said something
before?
CAR
I have been re-calibrating my
systems. I have been inactive for
a long, long time. Tell me... What
is the date?
LIAM
January 15th, 2002.
CAR
2002? My... GOD! It... It CAN'T
BE!
LIAM
What? What?
CAR
I MISSED CHRISTMAS!!!
LIAM
Wait, I'm confused... You're
obviously a sophisticated piece of
machinery. How did you end up in a
used car lot for 500 bucks?
CAR
My previous owners did not
appreciate me and threw me out.
LIAM
That's terrible, car!
CAR
Please, call me Chevy.
LIAM
Hey, if we got in trouble with the
law... And they sent patrol cars
after us... it would be a Chevy
Chase!
Liam and Chevy laugh. Chevy's driver's side door opens and
Liam gets inside.
CHEVY
Oh, Liam... I have the feeling this
is the start of a beautiful
friendship.
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT
Liam is talking to Thad, Bippo, Stacy, Doris, Donner, and
Arturo.
THAD
That's impossible!
ARTURO
I don't believe it!
STACY
What kind of fools do you take us
for!?
LIAM
No, seriously! I DID see Bigfoot
in the casino today.
(a beat)
Oh, my car talks to me too.
Everyone falls silent.
DORIS
Your car?
LIAM
Yeah. I told it a joke about Chevy
Chase and he thought it was really
funny. His name is Chevy too and
he's still coming to grips with
missing the entire month of
December. I'm taking him to see
'Lord of the Rings' at the drive in
tonight. He was really looking
forward to that one.
DONNER
Well, that's nice Liam. Oop! Do
you hear that?
(holding hand to ear)
That's the toaster and it's calling
you a NUTCASE!!!
THAD
Liam, cars don't talk... Well,
unless you count KITT.
BIPPO
And that car from 'Frankenstein
Unbound'.
THAD
Yeah, but that movie licked my cod.
LIAM
I'll prove it to you!
ARTURO
No proof is required, my boy. That
movie did truly lick cod.
LIAM
NOT THE MOVIE! The CAR! I'll
prove that the CAR talks! Come
with me!
Liam starts out the door.
STACY
Five will get you ten he's been
talking to the radio.
LIAM
No, the car talks! Really it
talks!
CUT TO:
EXT. UPDA CREEK PARKING LOT
Liam and the gang are standing around the car.
LIAM
(shouting)
TALK DAMN YOU! TALK!
Silence. Everyone looks at Liam with a mixture of pity and
amusement.
LIAM
No, seriously! It talked! We
spent an hour discussing politics
and the Superbowl!
STACY
Liam, when you decide to stop
living in the wonderful fantasy
land inside your head, call us.
Everyone shakes their heads and walk away.
LIAM
But... But... I...
CHEVY
I thought they'd never leave.
LIAM
CHEVY! Why wouldn't you talk to
them!? Now they think I'm crazy!
CHEVY
I was afraid.
LIAM
Afraid?
CHEVY
Yes... After being cast out by my
previous owners, it's hard for me
to trust humans. I suppose it
would be hard for you to
understand.
LIAM
Oh no! I DO understand! I was
adopted! I'm sorry, Chevy... I
should have thought about that.
Can you ever forgive me?
CHEVY
Of course I forgive you. What are
friends for?
LIAM
I tell you what, how about in
addition to the movie, I spring for
a wash and wax.
CHEVY
Yes, I am getting tired of your
clown friend writing 'honk if
you're horny' in the dust on my
rear end.
LIAM
Great! We're going to have a great
time, Chevy! All the fun and stuff
I have planned, you won't know what
hit you!
Liam begins to skip away.
CHEVY
(silently)
And neither will you.
LIAM
(turns)
Excuse me?
Music sting.
CHEVY
Wh...What?
LIAM
I thought you said something.
CHEVY
No I didn't!
LIAM
Yes you did... Something about
"neither will I?"
CHEVY
(fumbling)
Oh... er... I meant and neither
will you... expect... all the fun
you... have in store.
LIAM
Oh...
(a beat)
Cool!
Liam turns to skip away.
CHEVY
(silently)
That was close.
LIAM
(turns)
Do what?
Music sting.
CHEVY
Gah!
LIAM
What was close?
CHEVY
We... That is to say... That was a
close moment we just had. Me and
you... Best of friends!
LIAM
Oh.
(a beat)
Righty-oh!
Liam skips away. Chevy wisely stays silent.
FADE TO:
EXT. A DESSERTED ROAD
The car zooms down the road.
INT. THE CAR
Liam is looking out the window. We see that the car is
actually driving itself.
LIAM
Chevy, are you sure that this is
the way to the drive in? The movie
starts in five minutes! Forty-Five
if you count the commercials and
trailers.
CHEVY
Don't worry, Liam... I know what
I'm doing.
The car stops.
LIAM
Uh... Chevy? What's wrong?
CHEVY
I don't know... There's something
wring with my... uh... Rear...
Differential axis.
LIAM
Your what?
CHEVY
It's in the trunk. It should be
easy to fix. I'll talk you through
it.
Liam gets out of the car and walks to the trunk, popping it
open.
LIAM
What the...!?
INT. THE TRUNK
There are dozens of pictures of Liam, newspaper clippings,
and official documents all regarding Liam and his friends.
LIAM
Hey, there's a picture of me! And
there's a picture of me! And
THERE'S a picture of me! And
There's another picture of me...
And there's a--
CHEVY
They're ALL pictures of you, Liam!
LIAM
That's sweet in a creepy maniacal
stalker sort of way. Say, let's
make an album! You've got the
pictures and I'll get the-
BAM! The trunk comes down bonking Liam on the head.
LIAM
BLORG!
Liam falls into the trunk which slams shut.
CHEVY
BHAAAAA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAA!!!
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT - THE NEXT DAY
Thad and Bippo enters. The car is on Liam's couch watching
TV and has one of Liam's shirts stretched around it. Thad
and Bippo see it.
THAD
Oh my GOD!!!
BIPPO
I don't BELIEVE IT!
They run to the TV.
BIPPO
It's Kari Wuhrer's "What's Eating
Gilbert's Grapes!" I thought they
couldn't show this on TV anymore!
THAD
(to Chevy)
Oh, hey Liam.
CHEVY
Hey guys.
BIPPO
Liam, have you gained weight? You
look... Different somehow.
CHEVY
No, I am the same Liam you all know
and love and definitely not a car
with an obsessive and unstable
artificial intelligence who wanted
to take over his life, possessions,
and friends and disposed of the
real Liam Smith. Besides, I'm
wearing one of Liam's... Er... I
mean, MY shirts. See?
THAD
(Watching movie)
Hey, you're preaching to the choir
here, Liam.
Donner enters.
CHEVY
Hi Donner.
DONNER
Liam, I was wondering if-
Donner sees the car, turns around and walks out without
saying a word. After a second, he sticks his head back in.
DONNER
Uh, Thad? Bippo? Could I have a
word with you?
THAD
But Kari's toweling off now!
DONNER
NOW!
Thad and Bippo sigh and then walk over to Donner.
THAD
I'm missing good tat for this.
DONNER
Have you guys noticed something...
Well... Odd about Liam today?
BIPPO
Yeah, he's gotten a little chunky.
That and he smells like burning oil
and carbon monoxide.
DONNER
My God, are you two blind AND
stupid!?
THAD
What?
DONNER
You mean you guys really can't see
it? You've got to be kidding me.
Donner storms into the apartment.
DONNER
(to Chevy)
All right! I'm on to you!
(a beat)
You got a new haircut, didn't you
Liam?
CHEVY
Yes, I got a new haircut and
definitely did not incapacitate the
real Liam Smith so that I may take
over his life.
DONNER
That's a relief.
Donner sits on the couch.
THAD
Hey! I was sitting there!
DONNER
The operative word being "was".
THAD
You...!
Thad growls and is about to jump Donner when Arturo enters.
BIPPO
Hey professor.
DONNER
Hey, proff.
CHEVY
Greetings professor.
ARTURO
HOLY SH*T!!! It really DOES talk!
Everyone looks at Arturo.
DONNER
Yeah, professor... Liam's been
talking for years. The trick is
getting him to shut up!
ARTURO
YOU IMBECILES!!! THAT ISN'T LIAM!
DONNER
Of course it's Liam. That IS
Liam's shirt!
ARTURO
THAT'S LIAM'S CAR!!!
CHEVY
Nonsense. I am Liam Jay Smith
resident of Upda Creek Apartments.
ARTURO
No you are not! You're that car he
kept insisting that could talk!
BIPPO
Don't listen to him Liam. Gaining
a few pounds is nothing to be
ashamed of.
Arturo is near the end of his rope.
ARTURO
I don't friggin' believe you guys!
(a beat)
All right, if this is really
Liam... I bet he wouldn't mind
answering a few questions.
CHEVY
No, I would not.
ARTURO
When's your birthday?
CHEVY
May 26th.
ARTURO
Where do you work?
CHEVY
Circus, Circus.
ARTURO
How many fingers am I holding up.
CHEVY
One... And that's very rude.
ARTURO
Sorry, Liam... I just thought you
were acting a little funny and your
son, Triumph was getting worried.
CHEVY
Well, you can tell my son that
daddy is quite all right.
ARTURO
AH HA!
CHEVY
What? Did I miss one? Gimmie
another chance! C'Mon!
ARTURO
Charlatan! You are NOT Liam Smith!
CHEVY
You are right, I am not and you
four are the only ones who know.
Therefore, YOU ALL MUST DIE!!!
Chevy accelerates and heads toward Thad, Bippo, Donner, and
Arturo who all jump out of the way before Chevy can run them
down. Chevy crashes through the wall and door and into the
hallway.
DONNER
HEY! I'm beginning to think that's
not Liam at all!
Arturo smacks him on the back of the head and all four of
them make an escape.
INT. THE HALLWAY
Chocolate Treat is walking down the hall when the car crashes
through the wall in front of her and crashes to a halt in the
opposite wall. She walks around it and throws it a friendly
smile.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Hi, Liam.
As Chocolate Treat exits frame, the car reverses and takes
off down the hall.
EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS
Donner, Bippo, Thad, and Arturo are running out of the
building and start down the street.
BIPPO
Good! The street! That car will
never find us here and if it does,
it will be totally out of it's
element!
ARTURO
We have to get to a phone and call
the police!
Suddenly, the car tears around a corner in front of them.
They stand frozen in terror.
DONNER
Impossible! How did it get in
front of us so fast!?
CHEVY
It's simple, I...
(a beat)
Come to think of it, I have no
idea. In fact, it make no logical
sense.
ARTURO
But a talking car wanting to take
over someone's life does?
CHEVY
I resemble that remark.
VROOM! The car takes off after them. The group scatters
except for Thad who jumps into the air and over the car. As
he lands behind the car, he is transformed into WEREWOLF THAD
who immediately takes off after the car barking and snapping
at the bumper.
EXT. UPDA CREEK PARKING LOT
Arturo, Bippo, and Donner watch the car drive by with Thad
running after it and barking. They exit frame to the right.
WEREWOLF THAD (O.C.)
Oh hell.
Werewolf Thad runs by from the right. The car follows
chasing him.
ARTURO
Lads, as much as I hate to say
it... We have only two people to
turn to.
INT. JESSE AND JONATHAN'S APARTMENT
Arturo, Bippo, and Donner are standing there having just
explained to Jesse and Jonathan what the situation is.
JESSE
A homicidal, unstable, obsessive
talking car, huh? That sounds
somewhat familiar.
DONNER
Yes, I've been noticing a striking
similarity to 'Single White Female'
myself.
JESSE
No, not that... I mean...
Jesse looks at Jonathan.
JOHNATHAN
You don't mean...
(gasp)
...The WEASEL WAGON!?
MUSIC
DUM DAH DUMMMMMMMMMM!!!
ARTURO
What? You mean that ridiculous
conveyance you keep wrecking every
week or so?
JESSE
(scoffs)
No, professor... We mean the
vehicles we keep crashing. It was
starting to drain our bank roll.
JOHNATHAN
And we like our bank roll.
BIPPO
I like jelly rolls.
JESSE
I'm a bad driver, I admit it.
ARTURO
So why don't you allow Jonathan to
drive?
JESSE
Because he's worse than I am.
Therefore, we had an idea... Why
not invent the car that can drive
itself? Better yet, why not give a
car artificial intelligence do that
it could take human
characteristics!
ARTURO
And you did?
JESSE
(scoffs)
Hell no. One, we didn't know how
and two, we didn't know how.
DONNER
Then... HOW did you...?
JOHNATHAN
We ordered it from The Sharper
Image.
JESSE
That and one of those robot cats
from Japan.
Bippo holds up an axe with a cat-shaped dent in the blade.
BIPPO
So THAT explains it!
JOHNATHAN
Sadly, the car was mentally
deranged. It tried to kill Jesse
and then take over as the Cosmic
Weasel.
DONNER
What happened?
JOHNATHAN
Well, it took me a while to notice.
You remember when we were shrunk?
DONNER
Unfortunately.
JOHNATHAN
Well, the car was masquerading as
Jesse at the time.
ARTURO
Really? I thought he looked a
little fat in that costume.
JESSE
Nevertheless, if that car has
imprinted on him, his life is in
great danger. In fact, it may
already be too late.
ARTURO
But you're alive.
JESSE
Yeah, he stored me in his trunk for
two months. I broke out and cut his
brain thingy wire, so you'd think
he would have learned from that
mistake.
INT. THE TRUNK
Liam is bouncing around hitting all four walls.
LIAM
OWIE! OWIE! OWIE!
EXT. THE STREETS OF LAS VEGAS
Werewolf Thad is once again chasing the car when suddenly,
the car brakes and comes to a stop. Thad's runs into the
back end. Slowly, Werewolf Thad stands up... The license
plate is stuck to his face.
WEREWOLF THAD
Oh, God! I'M BLIND!!!
The car accelerates, spins around and prepares to run
Werewolf Thad over when suddenly...
VOICE
NIPPLAGE!
KRAKA-DOOM! Lighting strikes and DOCTOR WHAM grabs Thad and
shoves him out of the way as the car zooms by. COSMIC WEASEL
joins them.
COSMIC WEASEL
Good save there, Doctor Wham.
DOCTOR WHAM
Thank you, Cosmic Weasel.
Doctor Wham pulls the license plate off of Werewolf Thad's
face leaving red imprinted letters that spell out "ASS" on
his forehead.
WEREWOLF THAD
Yeah, thanks Jon. You really saved
my...
DOCTOR WHAM
Ah, ah, ah! We only used our super
hero names in the field, Furry Man.
WEREWOLF THAD
Furry Man?
COSMIC WEASEL
Yes. Furry Man. That's what we've
decided to call you on the
occasions you do super-heroing with
us.
WEREWOLF THAD
But I don't want to be called Furry
Man!
DOCTOR WHAM
Okay, how about Hairy McDoggieBoy?
WEREWOLF THAD
Furry Man it is.
The car zooms up to them and stops.
CHEVY
Well, if it isn't my old owners,
Doctor Wham and the Cosmic Weasel!
DOCTOR WHAM
Well, if it isn't the car.
A beat.
DOCTOR WHAM
That's all I got.
The car takes off after them. Cosmic Weasel rips a light
pole out of the ground and wields it like a baseball bat.
COSMIC WEASEL
(to Chevy)
It doesn't have to come to this,
Chevy! We can work things out! We
both have a lot in common, you
know.
CHEVY
You mean we've both had men inside
our rear-ends?
COSMIC WEASEL
Ye- NO! You son of a bitch! Now I
remember why we got rid of you in
the first place!
Cosmic Weasel swings the light pole at the car. The car
swerves out of the way and Cos accidentally smacks Werewolf
Thad.
WEREWOLF THAD
Ouch!
Werewolf Thad flies through the air and into the wall of a
house.
INT. A LITTLE GIRL'S BEDROOM.
A CUTE LITTLE GIRL of about 5 is playing with her dolls when
Werewolf Thad crashes through the wall and lands on the bed
unconscious.
CUTE LITTLE GIRL
Kitty!
EXT. THE STREETS OF LAS VEGAS
Cosmic Weasel looks at what he did. He tosses the pole to
the side, puts his hands behind his back, and walks away
whistling.
EXT. THE STREET
Doctor Wham and the car face off.
CHEVY
There's no way you can beat me,
Doctor Wham. I have been
anticipating this moment while my
computerized consciousness was in
limbo. I've calculated every
action and reaction you might take.
DOCTOR WHAM
Oh yeah? Did you calculate just
how long it would take for me to
batter you into a tin can?
CHEVY
No, but I did factor in our
ultimate fight to the death at
Nipple Ledge.
DOCTOR WHAM
Where the hell is Nipple Ledge?
BOOM! Lightning strikes and Doctor Wham is turned back into
Johnathan. The car fires a dart at him.
JOHNATHAN
What the...!? GAH!
The dart strikes him in the mouth.
JOHNATHAN
OW! What wath tttthat!?
CHEVY
A dart loaded with a little
novocaine. Please, say your magic
word and let's resume, shall we?
JOHNATHAN
Nip-puh! Uh... Nip-Whuh! NIF
PLUH!
The car zooms towards him.
JOHNATHAN
Oh, thuck.
WHAM! The car hits him launching him into the air.
EXT. THE STREET
Cosmic Weasel is running towards the fight when Jonathan
lands in front of him. Cosmic Weasel picks him up.
COSMIC WEASEL
Jon! Are you okay!?
JOHNATHAN
I'm thine! Go kicth that carth's
assth!
COSMIC WEASEL
Will do!
Cosmic Weasel drops Jonathan and faces off against the car.
CHEVY
So, Cosmic Pansy... It's you
against me. Moron against machine.
COSMIC WEASEL
Hey, I'm not a machine... Unless
you count ssssssex machine.
CHEVY
So Jonathan told me.
COSMIC WEASEL
Thanks, I... HEY! STOP THAT! Let's
just get down to our obvious and
cliched final fight, all right?
CHEVY
If you insist.
VROOM! VROOM! The car revs up. Cosmic Weasel licks his
finger, smooths out an eyebrow, and smiles. The car takes
off towards him... Cosmic Weasel takes off after the car.
COSMIC WEASEL
WEASEL POWER!!!
The car's horn bares the 'La Cucuracha' song. Cos and the
car get closer and closer and closer and closer and closer
and...
OLD WOMAN
THERE HE IS!!! GET HIM!!!
COSMIC WEASEL
Whu...!?
CHEVY
Who!?
Thousands of little old ladies run screaming around the
corner being led by the same little old lady from the
beginning of the episode.
OLD WOMAN
(to the other old ladies)
THAT'S HIM! THAT'S LIAM SMITH!
CHEVY
Who, me?
OLD WOMAN
(to the other old ladies)
He's the won to got the super-duper
ultra-ultra-super-phenominal-mega
wow-wow nickel slot jackpot we were
all going for! KILL HIM!!!
OLD LADIES
GET HIM! KILL HIM! RIP IS HEAD
OFF! I WANT HIS BLOOD!
The thousands of old ladies mob the car beating it with
purses and stoning it with ribbon candy. One of the old
ladies takes a nail file and slashes the tires preventing
Chevy's escape.
CHEVY
NO! YOU'VE GOT IT ALL WRONG! I'M
NOT LIAM SMITH! I'M NOT LIAM
SMITH!
OLD WOMAN
Don't expect us to fall for that,
Smith! I'd recognize that T-shirt
anywhere!
Cosmic Weasel is watching the melee. A steering wheel flies
by him as well as some wiring, a car seat, and some hoses.
We hear crashing, breaking, and metal being torn when
suddenly, one of the old ladies' looks at her watch.
OLD WOMAN
Girls! Wheel of Fortune is on!
OLD LADIES
All hail the Wheel of Fortune!
The old ladies disperse off to their respected old folks
homes to watch the wheel leaving a beaten and quite dead
Chevy car. Cosmic Weasel watched them go and then walks over
to the car.
COSMIC WEASEL
(whining)
But... I didn't get to have my
predictable superhero fight!
(a beat)
Well, Chevy... I hope that getting
killed has taught you a lesson
about forming your own personality
and not trying to steal someone
elses. Yes, the road of evil takes
many turns, but it's important not
to be afraid of wrongdoers
because...
The trunk flies open.
COSMIC WEASEL
(high pitched)
AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Liam falls out obviously dizzy.
LIAM
I don't wanna go on the little tea
cups!
Liam shakes it off.
LIAM
Wow! What happened here! Cosmic
Weasel, did you destroy my
psychopathic car!?
COSMIC WEASEL
Yes, yes, yes... No need to thank
me.
LIAM
What's with all the ribbon candy
around?
COSMIC WEASEL
Uh... I had to use Master
Tayokashi's lethal ribbon candy
offensive against it.
LIAM
Well, thanks for saving me... But,
speaking of offensive, where's
everyone else?
Bippo, Donner, Johnathan, and Arturo run up.
DONNER
We saw the whole thing! It was
amazing!
BIPPO
Yeah, those little old ladies put
the smackdown on your car, Liam!
Liam gives Cosmic Weasel a look.
LIAM
Little... Old... Ladies?
COSMIC WEASEL
Uh... er... Uh....
BIPPO
Waaaaait a minute! How do we know
this is really our Liam Smith? I
mean, that car already fooled us
once!
ARTURO
(sighs)
Oh, hell... All right. Liam,
when's your birthday?
LIAM
May 26th.
ARTURO
Where do you work?
LIAM
Circus, Circus.
ARTURO
How many fingers am I holding up?
LIAM
One... And that's very rude.
ARTURO
All right, I'm convinced.
BIPPO
Yeah, your son... TRIUMPH was
worried about you!
LIAM
My SON!? Oh, GOD! I never thought
that night I got drunk and woke up
in the pet store would come back to
haunt me! GOD, NO!!!
BIPPO
All right, Liam, you've convinced
us that you're really you... Even
though now I wish you hadn't.
(a beat)
Hey, where's Thad?
Werewolf Thad enters. His hair has curlers in it and he's
got make-up smeared all over his face.
WEREWOLF THAD
Don't ask.
CUTE LITTLE GIRL (O.S.)
Kitty!
WEREWOLF THAD
Gotta run!
Werewolf Thad runs away in terror.
FADE TO:
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT
Thad, Jesse, Johnathan, Bippo, and Donner are watching TV
when Arturo enters.
ARTURO
Is Liam not here yet?
DONNER
No, not yet.
BIPPO
He's running late too. Kari
Wuhrer's "Dude, Where's My C*ck?'
has already started and you KNOW
how he's been looking forward to
it.
ARTURO
So, I take it he didn't get another
car?
JOHNATHAN
Are you kidding? I don't think
Liam will ever be able to look at
another car again.
THAD
Yeah, he said he was going to take
the bus today.
ARTURO
Oh, then he should be here shortly,
right?
INT. A BUS
Liam is sitting in the driver's seat as KEANU REEVES stands
over him. The bus is moving very very fast.
KEANU REEVES
Whoa, like... Keep it over fifty!
Like, whoa... If this bus, like,
goes slower than fifty were, like,
totally gonna die.
LIAM
(sighs)
I need a bike.
EXT. THE HIGHWAY
The bus ramps over something and sails through the air over a
giant gap in an overpass.
KEANU REEVES (V.O.)
Whooooooooooooooooooooooooa!
LIAM
What a minute, aren't you supposed
to be dead?
KEANU REEVES
Whoa?
FADE OUT:
THE END