The Liam Smith Show
EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS
Trinity and Morpheus are standing outside with guns.
TRINITY
You ready?
MORPHEUS
(high-pitched voice)
Oh yes, I'm ready.
They start to go in but are stopped by Tempus.
TEMPUS
I'm sorry, they really can't be
disturbed in there right now.
TRINITY
We're here for Liam Smith. He
defeated our evil plans, and now we
want revenge.
TEMPUS
Fine. How's next week sound for
you?
TRINITY
What?
TEMPUS
Really, everyone in there is busy
right now. You can't enter.
MORPHEUS
We can go in if we want to!
He pushes Tempus out of the way. A bystander comes up.
BYSTANDER
He said you can't go in.
TRINITY
Watch him.
She points a gun at the bystander who ducks. He charges at
her and knocks her into the street. She gets up and throws
him back into the street, easily overpowering him. She grabs
him by his collar.
TRINITY
We do what we want.
She throws him on the ground and lets him lay there for a
second, bloody and injured.
TRINITY
And now the conclusion.
She takes out her guns.
TRINITY
Any last words?
BYSTANDER
Watch out for that truck behind
you.
A semi plows into both of them as they are thrown to the
ground.
DRIVER
Sh*t!
As the truck runs over them, the tanks in the back start
leaking.
DRIVER
Oh no! That's sulfuric acid!
The bodies are burned beyond recognition.
DRIVER
What have I done?
Another truck hits the first one and they explode, killing
everyone.
TEMPUS
Good to see a happy ending...
He starts whistling as we...
FADE OUT
--------------------------------------------------------------
THEME SONG
(Sung to "What shall we do with a drunken sailor?")
How can you get revenge for a script?
How can you get revenge for a script?
How can you get revenge for a script?
When you're cast as Tom Cruise
Just start mocking the author
Just start mocking the author
Just start mocking the author
And make his scripts look real bad
Do some evil casting
Do some evil casting
Do some evil casting
And make him that guy Squeak Spin the series out of control
Spin the series out of control Spin the series out of control
But still make him look dumb
Olé!
--------------------------------------------------------------
THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
STARRING
Dian Bachar
as
"Liam Smith"
John Rhys-Davies
as
"Professor Arturo"
Robert Floyd
as
"Bippo the Clown"
Seann William Scott
as
"Thad Coffey"
GUEST STARRING
Cameron Diaz
as
"Stacy VaVoom"
Neil Patrick Harris
as
"Gary the Fanboy"
RuPaul
as
"Chocolate Treat"
Betty White
as
"Doris Winchester"
Gary Dordan
as
"Tempus"
David Peckinpah
as
"Satan"
WITH SPECIAL GUESTS
Wil Wheaton
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog
Martha Stewart
Carrie Anne-Moos
as
"Trinity"
Lawrence Fishburne
as
"Morpheus"
Doug Bruzzone
as
"Bystander"
FADE IN:
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT-DAY.
Liam wakes up slowly in his bed, and gets up. He looks
around, confused.
INT. BIPPO'S APARTMENT-DAY.
Bippo wakes up in his bed slowly, and gets up. He looks
around, confused
INT. THAD'S APARTMENT-DAY.
Thad wakes up in his bed slowly. He looks frightened.
Suddenly he transforms into a wolf and back into a human.
THAD
What...what the...?
INT. GARY'S APARTMENT
Gary walks around confused.
GARY
This is just like the Next
Generation episode "Conundrum"
where no one remembers who they are
but they are still able to keep
their abilities...but if that's
true, then which of us is Kieran
McDuff?
INT. ARTURO'S APARTMENT-DAY. Arturo wakes up in his bed
slowly and gets up.
ARTURO
Qu'est-ce qui s'est passé?
Qui...qui...
Triumph walks in.
TRIUMPH
What are you doing?
ARTURO
Quoi?
TRIUMPH
You are not French! Look!
He holds up two papers.
ARTURO
Ces sont...quoi?
TRIUMPH
A check to Professor Maxamillian
Arturo and your driver's
license...professor. On neither of
these do you show the slightest
inclination that you are French.
ARTURO
Well, that would explain why I
don't know the language. But why
was I speaking French then? And
why do I have an English accent,
yet believed myself to be French?
TRIUMPH
Jean-Luc Picard Syndrome. It is
actually quite common among British
am-
QUICK CUT TO STACY'S APARTMENT-DAY.
She wakes up in her bed slowly and gets up. She walks over
to the mirror.
STACY
Who...who am I?
INT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS-LOBBY.
All the residents are there except Doris, Jesse, Jonathan and
Tempus.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
So you're telling me that none of
us remember who we are?
ARTURO
That's right, and it gets worse.
TREAT
Worse?
ARTURO
When I tried to leave, I was
stopped by a police officer.
He told me that no one in here
could leave. When I asked him why,
he said "You know why." and pushed
me back in.
STACY
What could have happened in here?
BIPPO
Maybe someone was brutally murdered
in the hallway by a maniac with 12
knives, 6 hacksaws, and a strange
Satanic worship obsession.
Doris comes running in.
ARTURO
Oh, you live here too?
DORIS
Come quick, you've all got to see
this!
The group goes running down the hall.
LIAM
Oh my God!
THAD
He's been brutally murdered! Look
at the evidence around the body!
TREAT
Knives!
STACY
Hacksaws!
LIAM
And his blood, organized into a
Satanic circle!
Everyone turns to look at Bippo.
BIPPO
What?
(beat)
I certainly didn't do it, for one
thing, that blood is not evidence
of any sort of strange Satanic
worship ritual. That one is quite
common.
DORIS
Using the victim's blood as a sign
to the devil?
BIPPO
Yes! Strange would be like
bringing in goat's blood entirely
for that purpose, not effectively
and intelligently using the
resources available to you. Anyway,
the point is moot because there are
13 knives and 7 hacksaws there.
ARTURO
Oh, well then we're sorry we
suspected you.
THAD
It just seemed natural
STACY
But how did you know about Satanic
rituals and what is and is not
considered strange.
BIPPO
I dunno. I just knew.
A noise is heard far away. They all rush there. Gary is
lying under a fallen bookcase.
STACY
Oh my God! [a beat]
Wait, do I like him?
LIAM
I dunno. You'd better hold off on
your grief until we can find out.
STACY
How do you do th-wait
(a beat)
Done.
THAD
Guy with the smart sounding accent!
TRIUMPH
Yes?
THAD
Not you, the fat guy.
ARTURO
What?
THAD
Are there any clues here?
ARTURO
Not besides this note.
LIAM
What does the note say?
ARTURO
"We came for the geeky looking one.
This was an accident."
LIAM
Well, I'm confused. If they came
for the geeky looking one, then I
think they got him.
BIPPO
How do we know which geeky looking
one the writer meant?
LIAM
Now, just what do you mean by that?
BIPPO
Well, I hate to break it to you
buddy, but you-
ARTURO
Wait! There's more..."Go to the
basement..." and the rest is rubbed
out. [a beat] I say we go.
LIAM
I say we all go back to our
apartments and start crying like
little girls.
TREAT
I'll go back to your apartment and
comfort you...
LIAM
On second thought, let's do what
the note says.
ARTURO
Very well, let's go then. Who's
coming along?
Everyone except Stacy raises their hand.
ARTURO
What's wrong with you?
STACY
It seems stupid to go where someone
who just attacked a resident here
wants us to...I mean, if it is a
trap then you are walking right
into it.
ARTURO
Right...so if you need anything
then just yell.
BIPPO
Or you can yell if our new killer
friend comes after you and then
we'll be too late to the rescue.
That could happen too.
STACY
...kay.
Stacy walks off. The rest of the group walks down into the
basement.
DORIS
It smells like cheap
alcohol...whiskey...Redman's. A
small brand, odd that the smell
would be here...
LIAM
How can you tell that?
DORIS
Like I know.
LIAM
Touché.
THAD
Look everyone!
Jesse and Jonathan are lying on the floor unconscious. There
is lots of blood around them. Arturo leans in to take the
pulse.
ARTURO
They're alive. But there's no note
here, nothing to indicate why we're
here. Unless blonde scared girl
was right...
He looks up suddenly and sees something.
ARTURO
Everyone, get out of here now!
Everyone starts running up the stairs as anesthesia gas
floods the room. Liam is the first to make it up the stairs
followed by Bippo, Thad, and after a long wait, Arturo.
LIAM
Why did you take so long?
ARTURO (PANTING)
Fat man running.
LIAM
How are you not unconscious?
ARTURO
Fat man's tolerance.
BIPPO
Are we the only people in this
whole building that whoever that is
hasn't gotten to?
THAD
Well, there is that blonde girl who
was scared about this being a
trap...
A scream is heard from upstairs.
BIPPO
So basically, yes we are.
THAD
Looks that way. It also looks as
if they're going after this guy.
He pats Liam on the back.
LIAM
Are you calling me funny looking?
BIPPO
Well, compared with us...
LIAM
You're wearing clown makeup! How
can I be more funny looking than
you?
THAD
Don't question it, you just...are.
That's all.
LIAM
But...
ARTURO
My boy, they are right. Now get
off it.
LIAM
...okay.
ARTURO
Now all we have to do is find out
who would want to hurt you, and
from that deduce who this must be.
LIAM
Terrific, except I don't know who I
am, so it's kinda hard to figure
out who would want to hurt me.
ARTURO (IGNORING LIAM)
There's always that boy who played
Wesley Crusher, I would think that
he would be homicidal.
THAD
What about OJ Simpson?
BIPPO
Or Regis Philbin?
LIAM
None of these are possibilities.
We need someone who would actually
have a valid reason to kill me.
ARTURO
For that, we would need to know who
you are. There is a long pause, and
then Thad burps.
THAD
What the hell have I been eating?
My breath tastes like my balls.
________________
-A girl getting hit in the face with 3-D Doritos. It's funny
because she's cute.
-A woman who likes Pepsi One. It's funny because she has
lots of sex on HBO.
-Britney Spears. She's funny because Bob Dole said "Down
boy" AND HE WASN'T TALKING TO HIS DOG!
________________
INT. STACY'S APARTMENT
Stacy is in her room, cowering in fear and holding a large
knife. Cautiously, she walks downstairs to the lobby where
Thad, Bippo, Arturo, and Liam had been talking. They are all
gone.
STACY
You scream for a little service and
what do you get? Everyone
disappears. I know they were here
too, I heard them.
She walks down to the basement and opens the door slowly. It
is empty. She walks back into the lobby where Liam, quite
afraid, sees her.
LIAM
You! Person who I think I could
well know!
STACY
You! Where is everyone?
LIAM
We were talking and then this
repulsive hideous thing attacked.
It was terrible.
STACY
Where'd it go?
LIAM
What are you going to do?
STACY
Destroy it.
LIAM
How?
STACY
With my large knife.
LIAM
Oh yeah, that. [a beat] It went
over there.
He points down the hallway. Stacy walks down, holding her
knife carefully. She is trembling.
LIAM (POINTING)
That one. That door.
Stacy opens it. Inside is lying everyone, but they are
unconscious.
STACY
You're sure that this is it?
LIAM
Yes...but...look at that.
He points to a corner of the room, where other versions of
Liam and Stacy are lying.
STACY
What could this be?
LIAM
I don't know.
Professor Arturo walks into the doorway.
ARTURO
I know.
LIAM
Perhaps you'd care to enlighten us?
ARTURO
Indeed.
(a beat)
First I shall tell you who we are.
I am Professor Maxamillian Arturo,
your landlord. You, the funny
looking male, are Liam Smith, who
is oftentimes engaged in madcap
zany adventures
LIAM (GROUSING)
...funny looking...
ARTURO
And you, madam, are Stacy VaVoom,
and you are Liam's half-sister.
LIAM
I don't see the resemblance.
ARTURO
No, I don't believe anyone ever
has.
STACY
My last name is VaVoom? What kind
of a name is that?
ARTURO
Now, if you two will just come with
me then I'll have your memories
back in no time.
They start walking down the hall to Arturo's apartment.
LIAM
So if we're us, then who are they?
ARTURO
They are androids, constructed to
fool all but the most observant
man. But there is one way to tell
them apart from humans.
LIAM
And what's that?
STACY
...VaVoom?
ARTURO
All the electronics on their
bodies. And the off switches.
LIAM
So how did we lose our memories and
what is their purpose?
ARTURO
Your memories were transferred into
them by someone whose anger is so
great that he has been forced into
making a deal with Satan.
LIAM
And what's that?
STACY
VaVoom?
ARTURO
If he kills you, then he loses his
soul, but he gets his dignity back.
LIAM
So who is it?
They arrive at Arturo's apartment and enter.
ARTURO
Wil Wheaton.
LIAM
Wesley Crusher? That devious
bastard.
ARTURO
Here, you two. Drink this. He
hands them a glass of unknown
liquid each.
STACY
VAVOOM?
EXT. HELL
Satan is sitting on his throne. A demon approaches.
DEMON
Master, there is someone here to
see you, someone whose evil equals
your own.
SATAN
Send him in!
DEMON
It is not a him, dark lord. It is
a woman.
SATAN
It can be but...
She steps into the light. It is MARTHA STEWART.
SATAN
So, we meet again...
MARTHA
It has been a long time, dark lord.
SATAN
What is it?
MARTHA
I remember the bet I lost with you,
and I remember the favor I owe you.
I am here to return the favor
however you want.
SATAN
Yes...let me think. [a beat] There
is a man named Liam Smith. I have
dispatched an agent of mine to
destroy him, but I fear that his
effectiveness will be at an
unacceptable level. I would like
you to finish the job if he cannot.
MARTHA
It will be done
SATAN
And Martha...
MARTHA
Yes?
SATAN
Fail me and get a fate worse than
death.
MARTHA
A starring role on Andromeda?
SATAN
I am evil incarnate, but even I
would not be so cruel. Go! I shall
ponder the fate that you should
hope you do not recieve. [a beat]
Not that I enjoy being dramatic or
anything...
INT. ARTURO'S APARTMENT
Liam and Stacy put down their now empty glasses.
LIAM
So now we know who we are, but you
still haven't told us the purpose
of our losing our memories.
STACY
Nor, for that matter, how you were
awake.
ARTURO
My boy, we lost our memories
because if we don't remember who we
are, and someone else knows exactly
who they are, and they are us, and
they look exactly like us, who is
everyone going to believe is who?
LIAM
...what?
ARTURO
Say there are two Liams walking
down the street, you and robot
Liam.
LIAM
Okay...
ARTURO
Now, let's say that someone you
know sees you on the street and you
don't have your memories, but robot
Liam does.
LIAM
...kay.
ARTURO
Who is your acquaintance going to
believe is you?
LIAM
Me?
ARTURO (ROLLING EYES)
Why would he believe that?
LIAM
Because androids have pale skin!
Like Star Trek!
ARTURO (SLOWLY, AS IF TO A CHILD)
This...one...doesn't.
LIAM (REALIZING WHAT ARTURO MEANS)
Oh.
STACY
Terrific, but what about my
question?
ARTURO
How was I awake?
STACY
Yes.
ARTURO
That wasn't originally a question,
so I don't have to answer.
STACY
Fine.
(a beat)
How were you awake to get us to
know this?
ARTURO
Well, I'm glad you asked that!
There is a long pause.
STACY
Are you?
ARTURO
No, I'm just a liar. [a beat] When
the Wil Wheaton-thing came in and
attacked us, I noticed the
intelligent strategy put on by Mr.
Smith.
LIAM
It's always smart to cower first
and ask questions later
ARTURO
Naturally, I employed the same
technique. However, I took it one
step further and went to hide in an
apartment. As it turned out, I
found some of Mr. Hilter's old
books there. I looked through them
and one particularly caught my eye.
LIAM
Yes, his copy of "Heavenly Bodies".
Sadly, it's not what I hoped.
ARTURO
No, Liam. His copy of "Magic
Potions for-" and then it was cut
off by what looked to be a sales
tag extolling the virtues of that
book being sold for $2.25 off
standard price. I looked through
it and found two interesting
potions. The first was one to cure
amnesia, which is how-
STACY
You answered my question.
LIAM
Why are we not being attacked right
now?
ARTURO
Well, I actually was hoping you'd
ask that question because it means
that I get to continue my story.
(a beat, looks at Stacy)
Bitch.
(a beat )
The first one was to cure amnesia,
which each of us has taken. The
second one warded off evildoers
from the residence of he who drunk
it.
LIAM
Can I have some of that?
ARTURO
The ingredients are rare, I only
had enough for myself.
STACY
Okay, great. Now what? I can't
imagine Wil Wheaton is too thrilled
with our having escaped his evil
clutches, so it's not like we can
go out there. But if we don't, who
knows what horrors the others will
be exposed to...?
INT. DORIS' APARTMENT
This is where all the bodies and all the androids are being
held. Wil Wheaton walks among the prisoners gently waking
them up.
WIL
Hello everyone. I have to draw
your friend Mr. Smith out here, and
for that I'll need your help.
BIPPO
We'll never help you. And we
wouldn't even if we knew which one
that was.
WIL
You will...
He pulls out a videotape.
GARY
Oh no...guys, if that tape is the
one I think it is...
WIL
Which one do you think it is?
GARY (SHYLY)
From the looks of the box, I'd say
it's "The Dauphin".
ALL
No!
WIL
Oh, whoops, I mixed up the boxes.
Everyone breathes a collective sigh
of relief.
WIL
No...this one is "Justice".
EXT. HOLLYWOOD
There is a movie shooting on location with Roseanne.
ROSEANNE
Roseanne smash!
Suddenly, the voices of the apartment dwellers are heard.
ALL
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
!!!!
The force picks up Roseanne and smashes her into a brick
wall, killing her.
INT. DORIS' APARTMENT
WIL
Or...one of you could get Liam for
me. Everyone looks at each other
nervously.
MUSIC STING
FADE OUT
________________
-Buy Swordfish on DVD and you'll get...ah, who the hell am I
kidding? You want to see Halle Barry naked, rent this movie.
If not, stay away like George W. Bush from a Mensa meeting.
-People dancing. Gap. Don't ask, just buy.
-If you really support America, then you'll really support
the McDonald's New Taste Menu. Otherwise, the terrorists
win.
________________
INT. ARTURO'S APARTMENT.
LIAM
Did you just hear something?
STACY
It sounded like they were yelling
the other direction.
ARTURO
And a good thing too. A yell that
loud could probably pick Roseanne
up and kill her by smashing her
against a brick wall.
LIAM
It's that strong?
ARTURO
It's that strong.
There is a knock on the door. Stacy gets up to get it.
STACY
Hello?
It is Gary.
GARY
Can I talk to Liam, Stacy?
STACY
Go to hell.
She slams the door. There is another knock.
STACY
Hello.
THAD
Hi Stacy, it's me.
STACY
Yes?
THAD
We need Liam to come out of here
and sacrifice himself.
STACY
What? Why?
THAD
Well, uh...hold on...Gary
is...isn't...whispering something
into my ear.
STACY
And what isn't that?
THAD
Didn't you ever see Star Trek 2?
STACY
Is that the one with the whales?
That one was cute.
GARY (FAINT, IN BACKGROUND)
Oh Jesus, what have I done? How
could I have dated this woman and
not indoctrinated her on the
movies? What have I done wrong?
THAD
No...it's the dark one...Spock dies
at the end.
ARTURO
Spock dies in Star Trek 2! What
kind of insane dimension is this?
LIAM
Calm down professor.
THAD
Listen to me...Stacy, the needs of
the many outweigh the needs of
the...hold on [a beat] ...the needs
of the many outweigh the needs of
the few...or the one.
STACY
So what's your name again?
THAD
This is Thad. Who do you think
this is?
STACY
I think that this is an android
Thad.
THAD
No one ever told me I was-
He explodes.
STACY
And you too Gary!
GARY
No!
He explodes.
LIAM
But how did you know?
STACY
They have amnesia. They shouldn't
know any of this.
ARTURO
Wait, Stacy, where did you hear
that about androids exploding?
STACY
Gary once had me sit through a 178
hour marathon of Star Trek:The Next
Generation. It was in one of the
episodes, there was a woman
claiming to be Data's mother but
she didn't know she was an android.
LIAM
How do you remember that? I would
have just zoned out.
STACY
There were tests after each season.
LIAM
Well...I'm sorry. It's sad that
that man did this to you.
STACY
I'll be okay...I hope.
LIAM
Great...now how do we save everyone
else?
INT. DORIS' APARTMENT
There is a knock at the door. Everyone gets up to get it.
WIL
Now let's be calm here...who should
get the door? How about Gary?
Gary answers the door. It is Arturo.
WIL
Why, hello there professor.
ARTURO
Hello Wesley.
WIL
I'm not Wesley Crusher. I'm Wil
Wheaton.
ARTURO
Are you sure?
WIL
Yes.
ARTURO
You're not a supergenius who serves
on the Enterprise?
WIL
No.
ARTURO
Good. One supergenius is enough
for my lifetime. He punches Wil.
Chaos breaks out. Everyone tries
to leave, but they are stopped by
the sudden arrival of Martha
Stewart.
MARTHA
Why hello Wil. Satan sent me in
here to check on you and your
juvenile intellect.
CLOSE-UP ON GARY
as he watches "Justice".
GARY (POINTING AT THAD)
You, when I say so, turn those
androids on. We need a distraction
to escape.
THAD
Okay.
MARTHA
Is this "Justice"?
WIL
It sure is.
MARTHA
Ah, cruelty at its most basic form.
Everyone turns to look at the TV.
GARY
...Just a few more seconds.
EXTREME CLOSE-UP ON GARY
as he licks his lips nervously.
MED. SHOT OF THE TV-WESLEY CRUSHER SPEAKING
WESLEY
I'm with Starfleet. We don't lie.
GARY
Now!
The room erupts in laughter. Thad turns all the androids on.
They all get up and look around in a daze.
Everyone who looks like a resident of Upda Creek makes their
way out. Finally, Wil and Martha go after them distractedly.
INT. ARTURO'S APARTMENT.
Liam is fixing a sandwich and whistling to himself while
Stacy yawns in the background.
INT. HALLWAY.
Everyone is ganging up on Wil Wheaton as he is beaten into a
bloody pulp. Eventually, he is beaten and his tattered corpse
is dragged away by Thad who is now a werewolf. Everyone
turns to look at Martha Stewart. They start charging at her,
standing at the end of the hallway.
MARTHA
You think you can defeat my Martha
Power? BWAHAHAHAHA!! Feel my
wrath, mortals!
A wave of energy comes cascading out of her body, sending
everyone sprawling.
MARTHA
That was my low-intensity beam!
Feel medium power!
Another wave of energy comes out, this time sending everyone
flying to the end of the hall. They are all more dazed when
they get up.
MARTHA
And now high power, to finish you
all off. Suddenly, a figure comes
walking down the hall.
MARTHA
It is Liam Smith! He shall feel my
wrath! She concentrates and a ball
of energy builds up in front of
her. Time seems to slow as it
gains more and more power.
MARTHA
Die, Smith!
She fires the ball, hitting her target which is instantly
incinerated. Suddenly, she falls to the ground.
MARTHA
I am growing weaker...Martha powers
fading...
She falls to the ground and is enveloped in hellfire.
MARTHA
I have been victorious! She
disappears.
BIPPO
Okay, so what just happened and who
just died?
ARTURO
Nobody died, that was the Liam
android. The real Liam is safely
inside my apartment.
BIPPO
Who?
ARTURO
Come on everyone, there's something
you have to drink.
INT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS
Screen Text reads "2 days later"
BIPPO
It sure is nice to have my memory
back.
THAD
You've had your memory back for two
days now.
BIPPO
Well, it hasn't stopped being nice.
Thad leans over and whispers something in his ear.
BIPPO
Never mind, it just did.
GARY
So Professor, I'm still confused as
to how the mass amnesia was
induced.
ARTURO
What's to be confused about? I
already explained it to you three
times and I'm sure not going to go
it again.
GARY
But wouldn't the twelve tribble
dolls in the plumbing system-
ARTURO
I already told you, they were in
the ventilation ducts. It was a
gallon of leaded gasoline in the
plumbing system.
GARY
Oh, I get it now. How could I have
been so blind, it's obvious! All
you have to do is-
ARTURO
Yes, I know. There's no need to
say it again. Geez.
GARY
Then I guess we're done with this
little mystery.
STACY
Wait, no we're not. Who was that
man dead in the hall?
ARTURO
Um...
LIAM
And why couldn't we leave here?
Why didn't the police want us to?
ARTURO
There were no police, that was just
Tempus making sure he didn't mess
up the timeline. There was
supposed to be another police
officer out there for the dead man
in the hall. So Tempus took his
place and didn't mess with the
timeline.
STACY
So who was that dead man in the
hall? You're not getting out of
answering this question.
ARTURO
Well, then I guess we'll be here
for a while then.
TEMPUS
I can answer that.
STACY
It's about damn time. I've been
asking that question for two days
now.
TEMPUS
Sorry.
(a beat)
That man was someone who wanted to
kill Liam, I was forced to take
care of him...with extreme
prejudice.
STACY
Ah...good times.
TRIUMPH
How did Gary heal from being
crushed under a bookcase anyway?
ARTURO
Oh shut up, it doesn't matter that
there are plot hol-
(a beat)
...things we don't understand here.
It just matters that everyone is
okay.
TEMPUS
Except for the guy I killed.
THAD
And Wil Wheaton.
ARTURO (OBLIVIOUS)
...everyone's okay.
EXT. HELL
Satan is on his throne as demons bring Martha Stewart to him.
SATAN
So...you have failed me.
MARTHA
Yes, lord.
SATAN
And, because of you, one of my
agents has been destroyed in my
service. You know what that means,
don't you?
MARTHA
Yes lord, that he is sent to...[a
beat] Detroit.
SATAN
Now, what punishment could I give
you? What punishment would be so
evil that it would fit the
circumstances?
MARTHA
Perhaps I should stay in your
service, lord...
SATAN
No! I believe I have
something...most excellent.
MARTHA
And what is that, lord?
SATAN
You will be given a sinister
punishment fitting your disgrace.
Guards! Take her away!
MARTHA
But to where?
SATAN
The Harry Knowles Love Slave room!
MARTHA
Noooooooooooooooooo!!
SATAN
BWAHHAHAHAHAHA! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
BWAHAHAHAHA!
The guards take Martha away, as the camera zooms out, Satan's
laugh echoing.
FADE OUT
THE END