THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
Episode 3.32 - "The End?"
By David Hopper
INT. A DARK ROOM. Very high tech equipment, but in completely
the wrong surroundings. It feels more like a medieval cell
then anything else. Possibly even a tomb. RYMER stands over a
figure in a tux on a metal bed. An oversized industrial laser
is pointing at the bottom of the bed.
RYMER
So, Mr. Boned, trying to spy on us
were you?
BONED is not quite what you'd expect to find as your typical
English spy. He's panicking, sweating, and very scared.
BONED
I expect you expect me to talk, do
you?
RYMER
No, Mr. Boned, I expect you to
scream like a girl, change the
color of your trousers, and sing
soprano, If, IF, you survive this,
that is.
The laser screams into life, and a red beam of energy surges
out and hits the bed, taking out a big part of it. Boned's
eyes pop out on stalks.
BONED
Mother!
RYMER
Ops, wrong setting, I meant this to
be a slow and painful death. Not a
quick one. One moment please, Mr
Boned.
(into a walkie talkie)
Change settings to continuous.
BONED
I wouldn't mind a quick death if
it's all the same to you.
The beam starts up again, more like a phaser beam in Star
Trek, and slowly starts moving up towards BONED'S crotch.
BONED
I could join you, you know.
RYMER
Oh, I'm sure you'd say anything to
get out of this situation, Mr.
Boned.
BONED
Must you always mention my name in
every sentence that you address to
me?
RYMER
It's called manors, Mr. Boned.
Something you may have heard of?
Like say, for example, not sleeping
with my girlfriend?
Rymer is of course, referring to Anna, which is interesting
since she isn't his girlfriend.
BONED
I do that a lot. Well when I get
the chance. IF I get the chance.
RYMER
I figured as much. Well you won't
be doing that anymore. Besides, who
else am I supposed to call Mr.
Boned, Mr. Boned? There's no else
here by that name in which to call,
Mr. Boned, now is there, Mr. Boned?
Now if you'll excuse me, by law I'm
required to laugh, manically.
BONED
If you must.
DREW
Just what the hell is going on in
here?
RYMER
Oh, I caught a British spy sneaking
around here, just dealing with him.
DREW
Another spy? Sheash, that's the
fifth this week. Look what I just
found.
Drew pushes out the barely alive body of ETHAN SHUNT, dressed
in a black outfit, black gloves, glasses and the remains of
some kind of harness on him.
RYMER
What was he up to?
DREW
Oh, he was UP to the Impossible,
trying to hack into our ultra top
secret mainframe. You know, the one
in the room with the temperature
sensors, the pressure pads, the
hidden microphones. You know all
that equipment that we use to make
sure the room is safe when no one's
in it?
RYMER
Which is virtually useless since we
don't have body temperatures and we
can levitate and don't we breath or
talk to ourselves when we're
concentrating. What happened?
DREW
He broke in while I was playing
solitaire on it. Idiot, what is the
CIA doing for training these days?
(a beat)
Whose he?
BONED
Boned, John Boned, MI6, licensed to
squeal like a pig.
DREW
MI6? Rymer, you idiot, we're
working with them.
RYMER
No, we're working for MI5.
DREW
What's the difference?
RYMER
Erm… nobody knows where MI6's
secret base is?
DREW
… Good point, good point.
BONED
It's just that I can feel the heat
from that thing, it's getting
pretty darned close, if we are on
the same side, do you think we
could TURN THAT THING OFF?
DREW
TURN IT OFF!!
The laser powers down, it was only a couple of millimeters
away from Boned's unmentionables. Drew helps Boned up.
DREW
Boned, Boned, Boned. Say, what was
the name of that other spy we
caught last week?
RYMER
Brunt.
DREW
And the one the week before?
RYMER
Boner. And before that we had Mr
Bonds, Buns, and Bonded.
DREW
Sounds like a law firm. Hmm, I spy
a name trend here.
RYMER
Well that or the man in charge of
new names for secret agents is
pretty much out of ideas.
BONED
Well, there's only so many times
you can use "Smith" or "Jones".
Here are my orders.
Drew reads the orders, an eyebrow is raised.
DREW
You've been transferred to us?
BONED
Yes, I come highly recommended.
RYMER
How come I never found those
orders?
BONED
You never bothered to search me.
DREW
Hmm, have you read these orders, Mr
Boned?
BONED
No, I was ordered to give you them
sealed. And let's not start that
Mr. Boned thing again, eh?
(a beat, he moves in
closer)
What does it say? What does it say?
Come on, tell me, I need to know, I
need to know. This'll be my big
brake, ever since that time I
messed things up and Codfinger
nearly melted the polar icecaps,
M's been keeping me on the
sidelines for months now, it's not
fair. I need a second chance.
RYMER
Codfinger? That name smells fishy
to me.
DREW
Your sure you've not read this?
BONED
On my mothers life, please. What
does it say?
DREW
I'm trying to make out the writing,
it's pretty damn awful. Like a
child's really.
(a beat)
"You're an incompetent", no wait,
is that "impotent"? "You're a"
something, something, something,
and M has sent you over as a peace
offering.
Boned is trying to follow what that means. Rymer and Drew
look up, smile, and vamp up.
FADE OUT
BONED
So what does that mean?
ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!
DREW
God, you've got to love that
woman's sick sense of humour.
RYMER
Pass the mustard
MUSCIAL STING
FADE OUT
--------------------------------------------------------------
THEME SONG to the tune of "Pack up your troubles in your old
kit bag"
Pack up your troubles in your old kit bag,
And scream, scream, scream.
While you've a Lucifer to light your fire,
Scream boys that the style.
Oh, what's the use of reading this?
It not like you've got a choice!
So, pack up your troubles in your old kit bag,
And scream, scream, scream.
OLÉ!
--------------------------------------------------------------
THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
STARING
Dian Bachar as "Liam Smith"
John Rhys Davis as "Professor Arturo"
Robert Floyd as "Bippo the clown"
Seann William Scott as "Thad Coffey"
GUEST STARING
David Peckinpah as "Satan"
Ben Affleck as "Rymer"
Eliza Dushka as "Anna"
David Hopper as "Drew DREW"
SPECIAL GUEST STARS
Lee Evans as "John Boned"
Halle Berry as "Gabriele"
And Jerry Springer
AND SPECIAL VOCAL APPERANCES BY
Christopher Lee as the voice of "Death"
EXT. GRAVEYARD - the Tomb of Libearche, broad daylight. THAD
stands with a spray can, covering the tomb with anti Vampire
slogans. LIAM and BIPPO come up behind him.
LIAM
THAD!
THAD
SHIEA!
(a beat as he looks behind
him)
Oh god, Liam, don't do that to me.
I thought you were Drew.
LIAM
In daylight? Thad, what have you
done?
THAD
Nearly filled my pants.
LIAM
I meant to the tomb.
THAD
I've had enough of that vampire,
just who does he think he is? Going
around, picking fights with me. I
saved his life, and he still treats
me like sh-
LIAM
Strange how the only time's you two
have fought have been when you've
wolfed out and tried to kill
someone.
BIPPO
Yeah, that's generally my job. Or
Drew's, he has to kill to feed,
doesn't he?
LIAM
I'm not sure if he has to kill, he
could let them live and just take
enough for him to go on. But at
least he only kills people who
deserve it.
Thad takes that the wrong way.
THAD
Oh, and that makes it alright? He's
still a killer.
BIPPO
In the same way a soldier is, sure,
kill or be killed. He doesn't do it
for fun, like I do.
(a beat)
Actually he is a soldier anyhow, so
I suppose he knows the best way to
kill people quickly and painlessly.
THAD
He served in world war one. That
was close to a hundred years ago.
He must have forgotten most of his
training by now. And even then it
was mostly charging at sacks of hay
with a bayonet.
BIPPO
Well he's not likely to forget
that, now is he?
LIAM
Well, whatever, you two need to
sort out your problems with each
other once and for all.
THAD
What are you going to do?
LIAM
I'm going to make you and Drew best
friends.
He rings on the doorbell.
THAD
A doorbell? On a tomb?
BIPPO
He had it put in last week.
THAD
(annoyed)
And I've noticed you've been
spending a lot of time with him
recently.
The tomb door opens a crack, ANNA looks out, trying to avoid
the sunlight. Liam starts acting like a kid whose calling on
his best friend and talking to his mother.
LIAM
Hi, is er, Drew in?
ANNA
He's busy downstairs.
THAD
Downstairs? It's a tomb, there's
only one level.
Anna realizes she's said more then she's supposed to.
ANNA
Er, we put in a basement. So we
could store more blood packs. It's
cooler, so it keeps better that
way.
LIAM
Could you ask Drew to come around
to mine soon? I need to have a word
with him about Thad.
ANNA
It's eleven in the morning.
BIPPO
He's got sunblock hasn't he?
ANNA
Sunblock?
BIPPO
For your skin, so you can go out?
Anna catches on. Drew's been hiding things from her.
ANNA
Oh, right, so I can go out.
(to self)
So he can go out.
(normal)
Thanks, I'll let him know you
popped by.
THAD
And now he's got a little gang of
his own now. Jesus, sometimes I
wish I had a hand grenade.
LIAM
I wonder how they all met up
anyhow?
FLASHBACK. World War One Trenches 1918 - Rymer dressed as an
Irish solider is laying mines in no mans land. Suddenly he's
under German fire and tries to back off into a hole for some
shelter. He gets hit in his chest and stops motionless, so
close yet so far from the hole. A hand quickly reaches out,
bursts into flames and pulls him in. Rymer looks up to see-
RYMER
(heavy Irish accent)
Drew? I thought you were dead,
laddie?
DREW
I am, and so will you be if I don't
help you.
Drew's face vamps up.
DREW
You've been hit bad, mate. Your not
going to make it unless I bring you
over.
RYMER
Bring me over? What you on about,
yer flat cap wearing, Brown ale
drinking - the f-?
Drew bites into the neck of the startled Rymer whose screams
are heard in both trenches.
ENGLISH SOLIDER
HEY! KEEP IT DOWN OUT THERE!
(a beat)
Poor chap.
GERMAN SOLIDER #1
Ha, ze Englander svine hunt vaz
hit.
GERMAN SOLIDER #2
So vhat? Ve surrender int two dayz
time.
(a beat)
Unt he vas Irish, not English,
idioten.
PRESNET DAY .INT. LIAMS APARTMENT - There's a knocking at the
door, Liam opens it to let in DREW. Thad recoils slightly,
Bippo acts perfectly normally… for Bippo. Drew is trying to
hold back his anger.
LIAM
Glad you could stake it, er, make
it, Drew.
DREW
Me too. Took a while to calm Anna
down. Who the hell told her about
sun block?
BIPPO
Me, why?
Drew looks at Bippo, his fists and knuckles look way too
white.
DREW
No reason.
(a beat, he looks at Thad)
And do you have any idea which
creep wrote all those slogans on my
tomb?
They all shake their heads in a manner casting instant
suspicion on all of them.
DREW
It's just I could swear I smelt
werewolf there, and it's one thing
to put garlic in my best underwear,
but to write "there's an expert on
sucking in here" on my tomb is
completely another when my ex
girlfriend is around. Especially
when you consider whose tomb I'm
using as well.
(a beat)
So why did you call me here?
LIAM
It's this feud with Thad, it's got
to stop.
Drew and Thad start acting like five year olds, stamping
their feet and throwing tantrums.
DREW
But I like my feud.
THAD
I don't.
DREW
Who asked you?
THAD
Hey, it's me whose getting
attacked, you freak.
DREW
Freak? Me? That's rich from someone
whose body can't decide what
species it's supposed to be.
THAD
I got that under control now.
Remember? At least I don't
intentionally kill people.
DREW
I only kill people who deserve to
be killed. I always weigh up the
evidence before I rip out their
jugulars and drain them till their
thinner then a supermodel. You on
the other hand kill anyone, and eat
the bodies. I leave them behind for
a decent burial, that way they can
rest in peace.
The last thing on Drew's mind is the now dead body of Mr
Boned rotting in his cell along with all the other, not-quite
Bond spy's and Ethan Shunt.
THAD
Yeah? Well Mr. Hilter's resting in
peace.
BIPPO
Pieces, after we got what was left
out of your digestive system.
DREW
Hitler?
FLASHBACK. 1937 - A balcony overlooking a beer hall in
Germany. Drew is hidden from the sunlight, watching as a full
scale riot happens below him. He watches as a young HITLER
rushes out of the beer hall - suddenly the flashback comes to
a screeching halt.
THAD
No, not Hitler, HILter, Hilter, the
old man who use to own this place.
Jesus, I hate it when we end up
going through that name thing.
DREW
You ate your land lord? Good way to
get out of paying the rent. I've
completely misjudged you, your far
more cunning that I thought you
were. Your still a dickhead but
there you go.
LIAM
Look, I thought we could try to
work things out over dinner. I
mean, remember that fancy dress
part we had last year? Drew came as
a vampire, oh so creative, and Thad
came as-
DREW
Buffy the vampire slayer.
THAD
Blade, I came as Blade.
DREW
Blade doesn't wear short skirts, a
blonde wig and attack vampires with
prepubescent wit and a twig snapped
off a tree.
BIPPO
Well I was convinced he was her for
a while.
(a beat)
So, can Vampires eat, right?
DREW
I just had Italian.
LIAM
I'll pretend I don't know what you
really mean. But food, real human
food? Can you eat it?
DREW
We don't have to eat, but oh what
the hell, I haven't ate a real meal
since nineteen twenty three.
Coincidently that was that last
time I had a bowel movement. I
finally accepted then that I just
can't digest food, so if my toilet
is blocked up, I know who to call.
Thad frowns and nearly snarls. They all sit down at the
table, Drew and Thad pick up their knives and forks and
scream.
BIPPO
What the?
THAD
Liam, is this… silver?
LIAM
Yes.
THAD
You've got a werewolf for dinner,
and you try to make me eat with
silver cutlery?
LIAM
It's my best stuff.
THAD
Oh forget it, I'll use my hands.
BIPPO
Isn't that a sign of bad manners?
THAD
No, using my feet would be bad
manners, not to mention skilful,
Anyhow, what is for dinner?
Liam put several flat boxes down in front of everyone. Drew
rolls his eyes.
DREW
Pizza. Oh joy. And for pizza we
need the best
(a beat as he looks at the
knife)
painted on silverware?
Drew opens his box and reels back in disgust, his nose looks
like it's trying to curl up inside itself.
DREW
YOU GAVE ME GARLIC BREAD?
THAD
Actually that's what I ordered.
DREW
You ordered th-? Well that makes
sense. I- Wait, You ordered a
Garlic Pizza, specifically a Garlic
pizza? So why did you pick up a
knife and fork to eat pizza with?
No one does that.
THAD
I do.
BIPPO
Yeah, me too. We've got manners in
this country.
DREW
Just when you think you know
someone.
INT - the dark room again. ANNA and RYMER are talking Anna is
upset and Rymer isn't trying to calm her down, as make her
even more angry. There's a rather sinister air to him today.
ANNA
I mean, why is he trying to control
me like this? Why can't I use sun
block to go out and see things?
RYMER
What would you do? Hmm, sunbathe?
Flirt with humans? That would get
his blood boiling. Admire the sun?
Those are the things ladies do
today you know-
ANNA
I'm only nineteen years old, I know
that. I've only been a vampire for
a couple of months, not a few
decades like you two. I haven't
forgotten the things I've lost.
Nightclubs, underage drinking, I'll
never get a chance to do any of
those things again with him trying
to rule my life. Afterlife.
Whatever.
Rymer isn't going to be stopped mid rant.
RYMER
It's just that your young, and
inexperienced in the use of your
powers. And while sunblock would
let you get out more, protect your
skin and so on, it does nothing for
your eyes,
ANNA
Are you listening to me?
RYMER
-so if you look at the sun, like
poor old, whathisface, you'll burn
them out.
ANNA
Whathisface?
RYMER
The vampire with the blacked out
sunglasses and the white stick. Not
to mention, the face with those
white streak marks over them. Those
are what's left of his eyes.
ANNA
Ewe. But even at night he doesn't
let me have any fun. He's locked me
away here as soon as we came back
after our last visit.
RYMER
Classic trait of a jealous ex
boyfriend. Which is made a little
more complex when he's also
technically your grandfather.
ANNA
GRANDFATHER?
RYMER
It's a vampire thing. He made me
one, I made you one. I'm your dad,
he's my dad, so he's your granddad.
And he's not particularly happy
you're a vampire now, and he is my
sire so I have to do what he says,
as do you. Besides, you know how
much he can overreact to these
little things.
ANNA
Overreact? Little things? I was
killed by a mad vampire hunter, and
now I'm being told my family tree
is nearly a straight line.
RYMER
See? Such a little thing now that
your immortal-
Anna's in a rage, Rymer moves in to kiss her but she moves
away not noticing him and he falls flat on his face.
ANNA
And he won't even tell me what all
those commandos he's got are here
for. Why he has all that equipment,
what's he doing stockpiling all
those weapons, and why he has all
those maps of coutries like Iraq
and Afghanistan and even Germany
and those picture of Satan on the
dartboards in the rec room are for.
RYMER
Well, I could tell you what he's
doing, but there's something you
should know about him first.
ANNA
And that is?
Rymer leans in, very close to her ear.
RYMER
He's power mad. He's trying to
control you, likes he's trying to
control the world.
EXT. THE VEGAS STRIP - Liam, Thad, Bippo and Drew are walking
down the strip, only Liam seems to know what their doing
there. Drew is putting on more sunblock and shading his eyes.
DREW
Heatwave is getting worse.
BIPPO
Heatwave?
DREW
Okay, so I'm still not used to this
temperature. It's nearly as hot as
hell. Hell, I thought Texas could
be hot.
THAD
Take off that leather coat then,
stop you sweating.
DREW
I don't have a body temperature, I
don't sweat.
THAD
So why moan about the heat?
DREW
Because I want to, that's why. Why
are we here anyhow? Who are we
going to see?
LIAM
Someone who I think might be able
to help us.
DREW
Fine, but if there's any sunglasses
around tell me. I gotta shade these
eyes.
EXT. a church - The gang stop near the entrance.
DREW
What? A church? Have you lost it?
Don't you remember what happened
the last time we were in a church?
THAD
The freak snow storm?
DREW
Yes, last year.
FLASHBACK INT - the same church, Liam, PROFESSOR ARTURO,
Thad, Bippo enter it, dragging a protesting Drew in with
them.
DREW
I'll die in here.
ARTURO
Nonsense my boy, your not going to
be anywhere near a holy cross. Or
the holy water. Or the blood
donations either.
DREW
Blood donations?
LIAM
Yeah, their taking blood for the
hospital.
DREW
So let me get this straight, you
drag me to church on a Sunday, holy
ground, Holy Ground, when their
having a blood donation service as
well? Damn you people are stupid. I
mean, even if I wasn't a vampire, I
don't need to go to church, I'm
church of England, we don't need to
go every single Saturday.
LIAM
Sunday.
DREW
Whatever, a days a day, isn't it?
Professor, aren't you Church of
England as well?
LIAM
What's church of England anyhow?
ARTURO
Well, when Henry the eighth decided
to divorce his first wife, the Pope
wouldn't let him. Marriage was for
life. He didn't want to kill her so
he separated from the Catholic
Church and formed the Church of
England.
DREW
Of course before all that happened
he had to destroy all the catholic
churches in England and murder the
priests and chop them up into
little pieces.
Then he murdered his second wife,
watched as his third died, divorced
his fourth wife and shot her into
space, chopped the head off his
fifth and scattered the body parts
over a wide area. Then he died
before he could come up with an
even more inventive death for his
sixth wife. You could say he
invented fractions as well.
ARTURO
How do you get that?
Drew wanders past a huge holy cross and catches fire.
DREW
Well he- YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH! OW!
OW! WATER!WATER! NotTheHolyWater!
Drew drops to the ground and starts rolling to put the flames
out.
BIPPO
Gotta be a handy trick to use to
light a barbecue.
DREW
That's it, I'm off, I'm out of her,
I'm gone.
He walks over to the now closed doors and tries to push them
open, with no luck.
DREW
Hmpfh, feels blocked. Is it me or
is it cold in here?
ARTURO
Feels like the temperature went
down some.
THAD
We're snowed in?
LIAM
Snowed in? At this time of year? In
this part of the country? Outside a
church with a vampire in it?
PRESENT - Drew is refusing point blank to enter the church.
BIPPO
Yeah, sending a vampire into a
church is just asking for trouble.
Who knows what might happen this
time? Flood? Plague of frogs? Dead
priest drained of all his blood?
LIAM
Well we weren't really going into
the church. It isn't really even a
church, but you got to admit, it
does look a hell of a lot like that
one we went to last year.
The camera pulls out to reveal the church is really a church
themed casino. "Churches, Churches." An employee dressed as a
priest walks past. Drew hides behind Bippo.
FAKE PRIEST
Bless you for coming.
THAD
Ah, this must be one of Senstra's
new investments.
LIAM
We were meeting someone here, ah
here he is. Gents, the only man in
the country able to solve a problem
this weird.
JERRY SPRINGER
Hi, Thad, hi Drew. I want to invite
you on my show, it really sounds
like a unique case. A vampire and a
werewolf feud. It's perfect
Springer material.
THAD
It would be if he hadn't covered
that same topic two years ago.
DREW
Who is this guy?
THAD
Jerry Springer, the king of day
time TV, where you been these past
few years? Oh, yeah.
JERRY
Well I can hardly keep track of
what happens on my own show, all
the time, now can I? Besides, who
cares if we've covered the same
topic fifteen times before? So long
as there's a good fist fight, the
ratings will be going through the
roof. So will you be on it? It'll
be the best show ever, till next
week that is.
DREW
Oh wait, maybe I have heard of this
guy after all. But I still feel
like I'm selling my soul.
THAD
You don't have a soul.
DREW
You've really have been watching
too much Buffy, Thad.
LIAM
So how did Henry the eighth invent
fractions then?
INT. The dark room - Rymer is now trying to tempt Anna to his
side.
RYMER
You remember how you first meet
him?
FLASHBACK. INT - The same church as before. Anna is giving a
blood sample, someone is hovering over her shoulder. She
looks up to see Drew looking over her shoulder. She notices
his pale skin and decides to make fun of him. Drew is
transfixed on the blood, not even looking at her.
ANNA
Can I help you, er, Drac? Your
staring at my needle.
DREW
Oh, yeah, the needle, in your arm,
sucking your life blood out. For
the needy of course.
ANNA
That's right. Your going to give
some?
DREW
No, I'm the kind of person who
shouldn't be giving it, because I
need it, a lot of it. I'm somewhat,
enemic, you see. I-
He looks at her for the first time and takes in her face. His
jaw drops, he's flabbergasted.
DREW
I, I, aye, aye, aye.
ANNA
Your?
DREW
I, I'm a vamp- er
ANNA
A Vamp er? What's that? You sounded
sort of Irish there. Is that a
place there?
DREW
Nothing. No idea. And, er, what I
think I meant to say was, erm… In
love?
ANNA
You wouldn't be the first to say
that, Drac. You know, a pair of
glasses there, and with that
accent, you'd have a perfect Hugh
Grant impression.
DREW
Hmm, yeah, that's a very Divine
Brown dress you have on. Drac? Oh,
right no, I'm not Dracula, but I
have meet some people who say they
met him.
(he leans in towards her)
Between you and me, I don't think
he really exists.
ANNA
(suspicious)
Are you a vampire?
DREW
Yes, yes I am.
ANNA
Your not going to make me one are
you?
DREW
No, no I'm not, but I would like to
spend some time with you. Not for
blood though, let's be clear here.
ANNA
Well I generally only date
werewolves.
DREW
Oh you don't want to date them,
never know where they've been, who
they've ate, have to take them for
walks, give them shots, and if you
neuter them, man are you in
trouble. Your far better off with a
vampire.
ANNA
Why?
DREW
We're… house trained?
PRESENT. Anna and Rymer are still talking. He's circling
Anna.
ANNA
And after that we had a few jokes
about "doggy style"-
RYMER
You see? He was trying to twist
your views even then. He tried to
get you to hate werewolves.
ANNA
I still like them.
RYMER
And every time we're getting a good
old fashioned slaughterhouse going,
he suddenly ends up uprooting
everything because he's "had a
revelation", and "it's not right to
do this" then two years later we're
back doing the same old rigmarole.
And on and on.
Only now he seems to be trying to
act like, I don't know, one minute
he's acing like a world dictator in
private, then in public he's got
people thinking he's a friend.
Nearly normal, but just a little
dangerous.
ANNA
Dictator? Has he? Huh? I'm getting
confused here.
RYMER
I'll bet he's even looking for a
cure to vampirism again. I don't
know where he gets his ideas from,
but he is sick. We're meant to feed
off anyone we like, we're meant to
eat any human we like. At the end
of the day, Anna, their only
humans. Their our food stock.
Cattle. All those blood packs we
have in the basement for you,
because you won't kill people to
live because you can't get over
being a vampire.
ANNA
Their alive, they make decisions,
and I will not kill someone.
RYMER
Sheep and cows are alive too, they
make choices, should I munch here
or here? Show I chew like this, or
this? End of the day, their still
slaughtered for humans.
ANNA
Okay, you've got a point. -Anything
for a quiet life- So what is Drew
up to then?
RYMER
He's going to free the wronged from
hell. All those sent there for the
wrong reasons. That's what he's
saying. The truth is he's busy
building an army up, taking his
people out of hell and storing them
safely away for latter.
Now soon, with his methods he's
going to have a big enough army to
enter into hell from several key
places and take over. And the worst
thing about it? He's got the
backing of the British government.
ANNA
How does he plan to beat Satan?
RYMER
He doesn't. You see Anna, he's
working with Satan on this.
ANNA
Britain is in league with Satan?
RYMER
No, he's trying to pull off the
biggest double crosses since Stalin
turned over in his bed one night
and said "Adolf, I don't love you
anymore."
INT. ARTURO'S APARTMENT - Arturo sits watching the TV. He
flicks onto Springer.
T.V.
And this week on Springer, Vampires
and the Werewolves who hate them.
Part two.
ARTURO
Not this again. Is that Drew? Thad?
Oh my god.
INT. THE STUDIO - Thad and Drew are already seated, eyeing
each other with glaring hatred. Jerry addresses the crowd.
The security guards are armed with Tazzer guns. Thad is
wearing dark sunglasses, a fake nose, and a bushy mustache as
a disguise.
JERRY
Audience, meet Drew Fangtastic, a
vampire whose a hundred and five if
you count his human years and world
war one vet. And our werewolf who
didn't want his real identity
revealed, so let's call him "Brad
Toffey", a thirty three year old
high school drop out who winces
every time we say "vet" or "bath".
Earlier we showed you clips of
these two in action trying to sort
out their problems.
Thad groans at the assumed name. A Clip of a wolf and a man
in black leather going at each other is shown. The audience
boos. Neither Thad or Drew can tell if it's really them
fighting.
JERRY
Now Drew, could you tell us just
why you two are always fighting?
THAD
He's starts them.
The crowd boos at Drew.
DREW
Simply put, I don't like
Werewolves.
The crowd boos at Drew.
DREW
(to audience)
Sod the lot of you, you
ars*[BLEEP!]*holes.
JERRY
Any reason why you hate them, it's
not like you can just automatically
hate someone you've just meet
because there a member of a certain
ethnic group.
DREW
You ever bothered to watch the news
reports on the whole Israel
situation?
The crowd boos at Drew. Jerry narrows his eyes and crosses
his arms.
JERRY
Everyday with baited breath, but
answer my question.
DREW
Okay, I hate werewolves, because a
friend of mine was eaten by one.
THAD
You're a fine one to talk about
eating people. What about you? You
must have ate hundreds-
DREW
Actually over the years, I must
have drank from Thousands.
The crowd boos at Drew.
DREW
Hey, boo at him for once eh? He's
even more of a cold blooded killer
then I am. He doesn't even have a
reason to kill his victims. I only
kill the guilty. Okay, so I've
sometimes gotten carried away and
drained some innocent bystander of
all their blood, but that was only
because I was hungry.
The crowd boos at Drew.
DREW
What are you? A pack of werewolves?
The crowd howls at Drew. He looks nervously at Springer.
THAD
Thousands? Okay, thousands of
people you've ate over the years-
Thousands? [BLEEP!]
DREW
I only eat the guilty, people who
deserve death. You eat anyone, you
[BLEEEEEEEEEP].
THAD
We've been through this before you
[BLLEEEEEEEEP]
DREW
you want some, you
[BLEEEEEEEEEEEEP]hairy
[BLEEPING]licking [BLEEPER] -UNT!
THAD
Bring it on you [BLEEP] women's a
[BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPING]
skanky [BLEEP]!
DREW
I'll kill you wanker, for some
reason, Anna likes you Thad!
THAD
DON'T USE MY REAL NAME, YOU COCK!!!
Drew jumps out of his chair. Bleeps fill the air as the
guards come in trying to Tazzer them both, not that it does
much good on Drew, he's in an unstoppable rage. Suddenly,
Drew and the piled on guards get thrown back as the Werewolf
morphs into existence.
JERRY
The hell? It's four PM and the
moon's not full! How the hell is
this possible!? GET BACK, FOUL
ABOMINATION!!!
Jerry pulls out a shotgun and starts to fire at Thad. The
werewolf jumps on Jerry and devours him. Drew turns to the
camera as the crew rushes to help Jerry and the audience
members flee for their lives.
JERRY
ARRGH! FOR THE LOVE OF GO
ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRG!
A dropped camera is picked up and Drew's face fills it up.
DREW
And now for my final thought. It's
never a good idea to have a live
televised debate between a Vampire
and Werewolf who hate each other's
guts for no good real reason
without having each person in a
strong cage. With restraints, and
if possible, Sarah Michelle Gellar
on hand.
INT. The Hell gate control room - Anna sits in the control
room with Rymer at another set of controls in Drew's
underground base. They both cut a finger and let some blood
drop onto some instruments. In front of them is a massive
room containing a Hell Gate, not too dissimilar to a
StarGate.
RYMER
The blood of vampires, the only way
to get the code for the frequency
to hell.
(to camera)
Don't ask me why that is, it just
is. If you must wonder about
anything wonder why I'm doing this.
ANNA
Who are you talking to.
RYMER
Hmm? Oh. No one.
ANNA
I still don't see what good opening
the Hell Gate is going to do.
The Hell Gate flares into life. Rymer pulls out a stake and
grabs a shocked Anna.
RYMER
Who says it will do any good?
ANNA
What do you mean?
RYMER
"I don't love you anymore, Adolf."
EXT. The Strip - Liam and Bippo walk down the strip in
silence, ahead of them Thad and Drew are walking down the
street with their arms around each others shoulders, best of
friends.
LIAM
Well, that went well.
BIPPO
Yeah, pity it took a massive death
toll they both dished out to make
them friends. I mean, if anyone was
going to go on a killing spree here
between us four, I'd have thought
it would be me.
Drew stops at a shop window selling TV's. The gang crowds
round Drew, whose staring at the TV, an image of Satan
exiting a Hell Hole in a graveyard, thousands of demons are
running riot in the place.
THAD
That looks like…
DREW
My home. Damn, how did Satan find
out?
BIPPO
This is a job for the Justice
Squad. Too bad their all in Russia
at the moment. Even Jesse and Jon.
LIAM
What are they doing in Russia?
THAD
Captain Spaz wanted to get married,
and well, you know how there's
always desperate good looking women
in Russia wanting to get married to
someone over here so they can live
a better life.
LIAM
And Captain Spaz thinks he can find
a wife? Good luck to him. But
without the Justice Squad there's
no way to beat that horde of hell.
DREW
Oh, I still have my resources.
Drew levitates up and away from the rest of the gang, but not
particularly high up. The crowds have to part for him as his
feet keep bumping into them at speed.
EXT . THE GRAVEYARD - The entire place is covered with black
smoke, blocking out the daylight. Satan and his minions are
swarming the area, barely containing them is Drew's little
army. The soldiers open fire with guns from behind tombs and
small graves, while a couple of Drew's Vampires charge at the
demons. The demons return fire from their tridents. Lightning
bolts and fireballs hurtle all over the place. Eventually by
the time Drew gets on the scene his men are either dead or
gone. Satan is gloating.
SATAN
Well, well, well, Drew Fangtastic.
We meet again.
DREW
How did you find out about this
place, Lucifer?
Flames shoot out from around Satan.
SATAN
NEVER CALL ME THAT!
DREW
How about Fire Starter? Twisted Fie
Starter?
SATAN
Or that.
DREW
You didn't answer my question,
Satan, how'd you know about this
place?
SATAN
How indeed? I just found a Hell
Gate in my bed room, I jumped in,
landed here, smelt you out and
brought back my army. Yours is gone
by the way.
DREW
Yes, I did notice the bodies. But
who activated the Hell Gate?
RYMER
Me.
DREW
Rymer? Why? How? It takes two
people to open that gate, they both
have to be vampires, it was a
specific security procedure
(to camera)
You got that you anal retentive's?
I… oh… no.
Anna is pulled out from behind a tomb by Rymer.
DREW
Anna? Why?
ANNA
I'm not quite sure, Rymer's said
stuff to me that made sense, in a
not making sense kind of way, until
he pulled that stake on me, then it
made no sense, or maybe nonsense.
Does that make sense?
EVERYONE
NO!
ANNA
Guess I was just gullible.
RYMER
Damn right.
DREW
Why James?
FLASHBACK. Rymer is dressed like it's the early eighties, and
is running from a group of people with holy crosses in a
subway station. He jumps down onto the lines and they give
chase. He's running, obviously weak, not injured but low on
blood, and the people are catching him up. He stumbles, and
falls, picks himself up and turns to see the leader right
above him, stake heading downwards towards his heart. He
starts to scream, but time freezes. He looks around and sees
Satan.
SATAN
Greetings, James Rymer. I believe
you may owe me your life and soul.
Or at least your life since you
don't have a soul.
RYMER
I have a soul, thank you so very
much. I think you've been watching
way to many TV shows.
SATAN
SILENCE! Serve me, and I will save
you. Refuse, and I'll have my
minions do to you what god did to
the sodomites, everyday for all
eternity.
RYMER
Ouch.
PRESENT. Drew is staring at Rymer and Satan. Rymer pulls out
his stake and stabs Anna in the heart, she looks at him in
complete shock, before turning to dust. Rymer turns to a
shocked Drew and smiles evilly.
RYMER
That's for being so blind to what
was going on, what Drew was doing,
what I was doing, and not, in all
the months since I turned you
actually noticing I existed. Hey,
sue me Drew, I was on his pay roll
all along.
SATAN
How ironic, your best friend
betrays you, and takes away your
girl. Twice. How melodramatic, and
I just love melodrama.
DREW
I don't.
Drew pulls out a small rectangular device from his pocket and
presses a button. Tombs and graves start exploding. Bricks
are scattered everywhere which then stone the demons. Grave
stones explode into fireballs, frying Demons. Trees fall
down. Satan is seen being blown back into the Hell Gate as a
very large explosion erupts from the Tomb of Liberache. An
emotionless looking Drew and Rymer are staring at each other
as the Hell Gate shuts down and more explosions go off around
them.
RYMER
Damn you Drew, you had to have a
back up. It's nearly as hot as hell
now.
DREW
Yeah? Your going to be able to
compare temperatures real soon.
Rymer pulls out a couple of Samurai swords and throws one to
Drew. The two square off to fight.
RYMER
There can be only one.
DREW
Ever the nerd at heart, aren't you?
RYMER
Runs in the family.
DREW
So you ARE related to those Alpha
and Beta nerds. You know, your
reasons for turning on me are
pretty shallow.
RYMER
You kidding? Do you know what god
did to the sodomites?
DREW
Can't be much worse then what they
did to each other.
EXT. GRAVEYARD - Liam, Thad and Bippo make it to the outside
of the graveyard as the entire graveyard explodes, knocking
them down.
LIAM
DEAR GOD!
THAD
DREW!
BIPPO
Anyone got marshmallows?
INT. BRIGHT WHITE LIGHT - Drew is surrounded by the stuff,
and there's nothing else to see. Drew looks around confused.
DREW
Okay, I've been dead twice, and
this feels nothing like death, so
where am I? Or even, what am I now?
VOICE
Generally speaking you're a
vampire, but that very nearly ended
ten minutes ago. You're here
because your mission isn't over
yet, you must protect Smith. Or
rather you'd better start
protecting Smith, that was the
whole deal, remember? You'd have
never escaped Hell without my help.
And if you don't start helping I'll
send you straight back to hell
buddy. Satan isn't your concern, He
never was. Worldkiller is close to
hand, but even that isn't your
concern, there's something else out
there, it's somehow protected from
God's power and it's a menace to
the world, and all the meta humans
must be united to defeat it. You
have got to find a certain person
we both know, and soon, before
Worldkiller arrives, that is your
only chance to get things sorted
out.
DREW
That you Gabriele?
GABRIELE
That's right. You've got to go on a
journey, okay?
Just for a while, meet up with that
old friend of ours. Now, can you
say unresolved matters?
DREW
Unresolved matters?
GABRIELE
That's a good little monkey.
INT. THE GRAVEYARD - the gang are roaming around looking for
any survivors. The bodies of dead demons are burning away to
nothing. The entire place has been levelled. Tombs are little
more then smoking wrecks, grave stones are littering the
place, and the Tomb of Libearche looks more like a nuclear
bomb crater then anything else. There's little left but one
wall, and a gapping big crater where Drew's secret base was.
THAD
This is useless. If Drew was in
here when it blew, he'd have been
dusted almost instantly.
LIAM
It doesn't hold much hope does it?
BIPPO
It's the way he would have wanted
to go, the same way as my father.
Oh well, what do you think they'll
do with the graveyard now?
DREW
Oh, they'll properly just put up a
graveyard styled casino.
Liam, Thad and Bippo all twirl around in amazement. Drew is
standing there, perfectly unscratched, sheltered from the sun
by the smoke.
LIAM
Drew? But how?
THAD
You used the Hell timer to get out,
didn't you?
DREW
No, that got wrecked in the
explosion. Might be able to fix it
though. Unlike my home.
BIPPO
So, where will you go? Where will
you live?
Drew taps his fingers against his leg for a little while.
DREW
I have business to sort out, but
I'll be back to help you out-
THAD
Damn. Hey, maybe you cold actually
buy an apartment? Something like a
Manhattan loft? I hear their real
popular with vampires for some
reason.
DREW
We'll see, maybe you could buy a
kennel. Look, Thad, I've got
something I have to tell you.
Thad's eyebrow raises.
DREW
Look, ever since you got de-aged
ten years, I've been kind jealous.
You know what your going to look
like in ten years, I don't know
what I look like now, so, what I
suppose I'm trying to say is...
You'd better stock up on hair
restorer, you were starting to go a
bit thin last year.
THAD
WHAT!?!?! Why you little-
Drew changes into a bat and flies off into the tree line. The
gang watch him leave while Thad growls.
THAD
If I never see him again, it'll be
too soon.
LIAM
Say, how can he survive the
daylight as a bat, anyhow?
The camera pans away as the gang leaves the site of mass
destruction. Some rubble blows past a statue of the Grim
Reaper. The camera settles on the statues eyes, and they glow
blue.
DEATH
THIS ISN'T OVER, FANGTASTIC. I WILL
REAP YOUR SOUL. HOWEVER, THERE IS
SOMEONE ELSE I NEED TO SEE RIGHT…
ABOUT… NOW.
EXT. AN ALLEYWAY - a badly burned and beaten RYMER stagers
down the alley.
RYMER
Ha, I got him, staked him with the
sword, right in the heart. Now I'm
number one vamp, pity Anna was such
an idiot though. But anyhow I- What
the ?
Rymer pulls up the sword and looks at something off camera.
RYMER
What in the hell are you? What are
you doin - ARRGH!
Metal tentacles shoot out and stab into Rymer, sucking the
very essence out of him. After a few seconds he turns to
dust. A tentacle flies out again and starts scratching away
at the wall, while another takes the sword. Then the figure
jumps away. The graffiti reads "FOR I AM MANY!"
THE END.