THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
Episode 3.33 - "The Lee M. Smith Show"
Written by Jason Donner
INT. DONNER'S APARTMENT
Donner is busy writing on a computer and speaking to himself.
DONNER
And so, I not only believe that
this movie was an utter piece of
garbage, but I also believe that
any theater unfortunate enough to
screen this vile STD-infected
genital secretion should be
immediately fumigated of just
burned, less the spirits of this
atrocity infect others.
The camera moves to reveal Liam behind him watching in wide
eyed awe.
LIAM
That's a rather scathing review of
Citizen Kane, don't you think?
DONNER
Yes... Now that I'm no longer a
billionaire, I have to support my
bastardly habits somehow and what
better way to be a bastard than to
be a film critic? I can sink a
lovingly made and meticulously
crafted multi-million dollar Oscar
contender merely using the word
"crap"! Boy, I'm glad that the Las
Vegas Gambler had an opening for a
critic, otherwise I would have had
to have gone back to conning
elderly people out of their
retirement funds again.
LIAM
I'm glad you're happy.
There is a knock at the door.
DONNER
Get that, would you? I'm too busy
ripping E.T. a new one.
Liam goes to the door and opens it. Taking up the entire
doorway is a humongous stomach covered in orange hair. Flies
can be heard buzzing around it. Liam slams the door.
DONNER
Who was it?
LIAM
(wide-eyed, terrified)
I... I... I...
WHAM! The door is kicked in flattening Liam against the
floor. Donner leaps behind a couch as debris from the door
flies past him.
The camera finds two enormous shoes. One says "My Left Foot"
and the other says "Tootise". The camera begins to move up
until we reach the butt of the enormously fat man which says
"Backdraft" on it. The camera moves around to reveal the fat
man's shirt, a bright gaudy tie-dyed shirt stretched by the
man's enormous fat gut to it's ripping point. The camera
moves up revealing a bright orange beard and drool dripping
down his chins. It is...
DONNER
My God... It's HARRY KNOWLES!!
HARRY KNOWLES
(Irish accent)
SURPRISE! SURPRISE!
MUSIC STING
FADE OUT:
--------------------------------------------------------------
THEME SONG (TO THE THEME OF "MEAN GREEN MOTHER" FROM LITTLE
SHOP OF HORRORS)
Better watch your cabinets.
Better watch your goods.
Better watch your children.
He'd eat them if he could.
Cause he's a big orange f*cker from the internet and he's
fat!
(Big orange f*uck!)
He's a big orange f*cker from the internet and he'll eat you
as a snack!
He's a big orange f*cker from the internet,
Got a million bucks by selling out, I bet.
A big orange f*cker from the internet and he smells!
OLÉ!
--------------------------------------------------------------
THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
Starring
Dian Bachar
as
"Liam Smith"
John Rhys-Davies
as
"Professor Arturo"
Seann William Scott
as
"Thad Coffey"
Robert Floyd
as
"Bippo the Clown"
Also Starring
Nobel Peace Prize Winner Jason Donner
as
"Donner"
Guest Starring
Scott Caan
DJ Qualls
Chad Allen
Chris Rock
Judd Nelson
Robert Floyd
as
"Flippo the Clown"
Skeet Ulrich
as
"Doogan Kessler"
and
Harry Knowles
as
"Himself"
The story you are about to read is completely true... except
for the parts I made up.
FADE IN:
INT. DONNER'S APARTMENT
Donner and Liam are backed up against the wall as Harry
Knowles' ample form looms over them, drooling and panting.
DONNER
W-What do you want here, Harry?
There's a Sizzler just down the
street go there and leave us in
peace!
HARRY KNOWLES
(Irish accent)
Aye, I know about the Sizzler! I
ate it on my way here!
LIAM
He smells like a corpse bathed in
four week old moldy diarrhea!
HARRY KNOWLES
And who is this wee lad?
DONNER
This is Liam Smith.
HARRY KNOWLES
He kinda looks like a baby. YEAH!
THAT'S IT! AH'M GONNA EATCHA! I'M
BIGGER THAN YOU! I'M HIGHER IN THE
FOOD CHAIN! GET IN MY BELLY!
Liam runs out the door. Harry takes a couple of steps and
gets so tired, he plops down in Donner's couch, destroying
it.
HARRY KNOWLES
You're a lucky wee man!
DONNER
Okay, you're not here to eat us...
Well, me... You're not here to eat
me. What do you want?
HARRY KNOWLES
I came tah get the inside scoop!
Donner goes into the kitchen and returns with a can of Lysol.
He begins spraying Harry trying to kill the smell.
DONNER
Inside scoop on what?
HARRY KNOWLES
On the Lee M. Smith Show!
Donner goes back into the kitchen an comes back with four
more cans of Lysol. He proceeds to spray Harry down with it.
DONNER
The what?
HARRY KNOWLES
The Lee M. Smith Show! The
television show about a hapless but
lovable looser from Reno, Nevada
who gets involved in all sorts of
kooky adventures with his clown
sidekick and werewolf friend!
Donner has given up on the Lysol and is dusting Harry is
potpourri. He hangs a pine-scented car hanger on Harry's
ear.
DONNER
That's the stupidest thing I've
ever heard!
THAD (V.O.)
(muffled)
Yeah! I agree!
BIPPO (V.O.)
(muffled)
Liam is OUR sidekick!
There is a silence.
DONNER
Uh... Guys? Where are you?
BIPPO (V.O.)
(muffled)
I don't know... it's dark and it
smells bad.
Harry lifts up an enormous roll of stomach fat. BIPPO and
THAD come tumbling out covered in a sticky translucent goo.
BIPPO
(dazed)
No, Carol Ann! Don't go into the
light!
HARRY KNOWLES
Sorry.
DONNER
Wait a minute... as I remember,
there WAS a script I came up with a
couple of years based on Liam and
the gang where I changed their
names and the facts around just a
little so I wouldn't have to pay
likeness fees.
THAD
You were going to bilk us out of
likeness rights?
DONNER
Well... no. You see, I wrote the
pilot and it turned out that no one
would buy it... not even UPN! They
passed on it to make The Secret
Diaries of Desmond Pfiffer!
HARRY KNOWLES
A riveting comedy that not only
made you laugh... but made you
think.
Everyone looks at Harry. Harry holds up a Rolex that has
"THE SECRET DIARIES OF DESMOND PFIFFER" etched on it.
THAD
It could be that someone stole your
idea that you stole from our lives.
DONNER
BASTARDS! Well, I'm not going to
stand for this!
BIPPO
Neither am I! I say we go to
Hollywood and stop that show from
being made until we gets our money!
I'll go get the guys.
HARRY KNOWLES
And I'll go report this inside
tidbit to my website.
DONNER
What inside tidbit? There wasn't
any news here!
HARRY KNOWLES
I know. Therefore, I shall steal
my news from darkhorizons.com!
Harry Knowles gets up and walks out the door, destroying the
door frame.
THAD
What a fat f*ck.
DONNER
Thad, I guess you can tell Liam
that it's all right for him to come
back.
THAD
All right.
Thad walks out. Donner looks around his apartment.
DONNER
Where's the hell's my couch?
EXT. THE LAS VEGAS SIDEWALK
Harry Knowles walks down the street with Donner's couch
wedged between his gigantic ass cheeks. He turns down a
corner and goes into a Chinese Restaurant.
CHINESE CHIEF (O.C.)
RUN! IT'S THE BEAST WITH MANY
MOUTHS!
Dozens of restaurant workers and patrons run screaming out
the door and windows.
FADE TO:
EXT. HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA
The Hollywood Sign can been seen as the camera finds USA
STUDIOS - "IF YOU THINK ALL TV IS CRAP, YOU HAVEN'T SEEN
ANYTHING YET!"
INT. USA STUDIOS
DONNER, THAD, LIAM, and BIPPO are walking down a set as
television executive PERSY P. PETERPUFFER leads them.
PERSY P. PETERPUFFER
Honestly, Mister Donner... I
understand your concerns but we
bought that script fair and square.
DONNER
Mister Peterpuffer, I never SOLD my
script in the first place!
PERSY P. PETERPUFFER
Surely you aren't suggesting that
USA Studios would do anything
disingenuous, are you? We are the
pinnacle of ethics!
CUT TO:
INT. HELL
SATAN is sitting on his throne when SCRAPPY DOO walks up to
him.
SATAN
EXCELLENT! Another television
series from USA Studios is on the
way!
He laughs maniacally.
SCRAPPY DOO
Sir, Harry Knowles would like to
sell his soul to loose ten pounds.
SATAN
Tell him that there are limits to
even MY power!
INT. USA STUDIOS
Persy P. Peterpuffer leads them to a soundstage. Liam, Thad,
Bippo, and Donner stop in their tracks.
LIAM
Does someone hear that Twilight
Zone theme?
The camera pans around to reveal that the stage has an exact
copy of Liam's Apartment on it.
BIPPO
Oh... my... God! We've gone
through a time warp and have
traveled BACK to Las Vegas!
LIAM
Bippo, please...
BIPPO
DON'T you chastise me, young man!
Next thing you know, we're going to
be de-evolving into newts or
something!
DONNER
This is an EXACT copy of Liam's
apartment! You can't tell now that
you didn't rip that off of my
script.
PERSY P. PETERPUFFER
It's not an exact copy.
Liam is reaching under the couch. He pulls out a copy of
"Big 'Uns" with Kari Wuhrer on the cover.
LIAM
Oh, yes it is. The pages stick
together and everything.
Everyone looks at Liam.
LIAM
I spilled a soda on it.
A beat.
LIAM
I'm not on trial here!
DONNER
RIP-OFF!!!
PERSY P. PETERPUFFER
Nonsense, why... here comes our
cast right now and you can see that
they are nothing like you and your
friends here.
The cast members of The Lee. M. Smith show enter. They stand
across from their counterparts as though they are looking in
some prevented mirror. There is a long silence as the two
look at each other.
BIPPO
Who the F*CK are these people?
PERSY P. PETERPUFFER
This is DJ Qualls and he plays our
hero, Lee M. Smith.
DJ QUALLS
Hello.
LIAM
Oh, hey! I loved you in road trip!
Bippo smacks Liam upside the head.
LIAM
Oh, I mean... SCREW YOU!
PERSY P. PETERPUFFER
This is Chad Allen. He plays our
werewolf, Ted Espresso.
CHAD ALLEN
Hello.
THAD
You mean to tell me that the little
twerp on Doctor Quinn was actually
a werewolf the whole time?
CHAD ALLEN
Actually, I'm not a werewolf at
all. I have a stand in for all
that stuff.
THAD
Who?
DOOGAN KESSLER walks out.
DOOGAN
That would be me.
THAD
DOOGAN!
DOOGAN
Indeed. Your arch nemesis and the
one who has sworn to one day
destroy you.
A beat.
THAD
Are you wearing make-up?
A beat.
DOOGAN
This is show business, Thad... all
the stars wear make-up.
A beat.
DOOGAN
They DO!
THAD
So, you're a TV star now.
DOOGAN
For the time being... at least
until I can completely and utterly
destroy you!
Bippo points to his counterpart.
BIPPO
Who's THIS monkey spank?
FLIPPO
Bippo, you know who I am! I'm
Flippo the Clown! I'm your as-evil
as-you twin brother.
BIPPO
Ah, so you betrayed me for the
allure of television, eh? How can
you sleep at night?
FLIPPO
On a large pile of money with many
beautiful women.
BIPPO
Need a stunt double?
PERSY P. PETERPUFFER
Finally, we have our villainous
billionaire, Jay Diller played by
executive producer, Scott Caan.
Donner looks at Scott Cann.
DONNER
Good God... What is with your neck?
SCOTT CAAN
What's wrong with my neck?
DONNER
It's bigger than your head!
A beat.
DONNER
Waaaait... I'm starting to remember
something now.
RIPPLE DISSOLVE
TO:
EXT. A MOVIE THEATER
The marque displays "VARSITY BLUES". DONNER comes out of the
theater arm in arm with Nicole Kidman and Penelope Cruz.
DONNER
That was the worst football movie
I've ever seen! And what about
that Scott Caan? What is with his
neck?
NICOLE KIDMAN
I totally agree! Let's go home and
fool around!
PENELOPE CRUZ
No, Donner! You said you were
going to fool around with me!
Nicole Kidman and Penelope Cruz get into a cat fight.
DONNER
Ladies... Ladies... There is enough
of me to go around? Why make war
when we can make wild nasty monkey
love?
PENELOPE CRUZ
Oh, Donner! You're such a cutie!
NICOLE KIDMAN
Yeah, unlike that mutant Scott Caan
and his huge neck!
They laugh and walk out of frame as Scott Caan enters frame
crying.
SCOTT CAAN
I'll destroy that Donner if it's
the last thing I do!
PASSERBY (O.C.)
THAT'S A HUUUUUUGE NECK!
SCOTT CAAN
(crying)
SHUT UP!
RIPPLE DISSOLVE
TO:
INT. USA STUDIOS
As before.
LIAM
Wow, so Scott Caan vowed to destroy
you because you made fun of the
size of his gargantuan mutated
neck?
DONNER
Yes... And we've been mortal
enemies ever since.
DJ QUALLS
Can I go on break now?
SCOTT CAAN
NO! AS EXECUTIVE PRODUCER, I ORDER
YOU TO DESTROY DONNER AND HIS
FRIENDS!
There is a long beat.
CHAD ALLEN
That's not in my contract.
SCOTT CAAN
Persy!
Persy P. Peterpuffer takes out a contract and shows it to DJ
Qualls, Chad Allen, and Flippo the Clown.
DJ QUALLS
Well, I'll be damned. There it is.
FLIPPO
Yep... All stars of a Scott Caan
production are contractually
obliged to kill and/or seriously
maim Jason Donner.
CHAD ALLEN
Teach me not to read a contract
before I sign.
DJ QUALLS
Chad! I'm surprised at you!
You're ALWAYS supposed to read a
contract before you sign!
CHAD ALLEN
I'm sorry... I took lessons from
Bill Murray! He never reads the
contract before a movie. Or is it
the script? I forgot.
DONNER
Script.
DOOGAN
Script.
THAD
Script.
BIPPO
Script.
FLIPPO
Script.
LIAM
Script.
CHAD ALLEN
Ah.
SCOTT CAAN
Enough chit-chat! Destroy them!
DOOGAN
Will do!
Doogan wolfs out and leaps at Donner but is caught mid-air by
a STUNTMAN in a silver jumpsuit.
STUNTMAN
Whoa, there Rex.
DOOGAN
WHAT are you doing!? I have to
kill them! My executive producer
demands that I KILL! KILL!
KILLLLLLLLL!!!
STUNTMAN
Not today you're not. The stuntmen
union's decided to strike.
DOOGAN
Huh?
SCOTT CAAN
WHAT!?
STUNTMAN
It's a walkout, my friend. Come
on.
SCOTT CAAN
NO! SCOTT CAAN DEMANDS THAT YOU
KILL!
Doogan looks at Scott Caan, then back at the stuntman, then
back at Scott Caan.
STUNTMAN
(warning to Doogan)
You don't want to loose your union
membership, do you?
DOOGAN
I... er...
STUNTMAN
You don't want to be a scab, do ya?
DOOGAN
I am no scab!
(to Scott Caan)
UNION! UNION! UNION!
Doogan and the stuntman walk out.
SCOTT CAAN
Drat! Foiled by a low benefit
medical plan! Not to worry, I
still have my loyal minions, DJ
Qualls, Flippo the Clown, and Chad
Allen! Kill the--
A beat as Scott Caan looks around.
SCOTT CAAN
Where are they?
LIAM
Well, Tom Green walked in and told
DJ that he was making Road Trip II
and he told you to shove this penny
ante project up your you-know-what.
Then, Ellen DeGeneres and Rupert
Everet picked up Chad Allen in a
limo to take him to some sort of
parade. I didn't catch which.
SCOTT CAAN
And Flippo?
LIAM
Bippo called him a butt-head and
Flippo stomped off saying something
about "I'll be in my trailer!"
SCOTT CAAN
Flippo does not have a trailer!
LIAM
That's what I told him, but he said
he was going to keep looking until
he found one.
SCOTT CAAN
F*CKING ACTORS!
DONNER
Give it up, Scott Caan! You and
your enormous neck are beaten!
SCOTT CAAN
Not quite! I have yet another ace
up my sleeve.
LIAM
(blankly)
How will that help?
Scott Caan whistles. There is a distant rumbling and then a
whistling sound like a cartoon bomb being dropped from the
sky. It gets louder and louder and louder until... KABAM!
HARRY KNOWLES crashes through the ceiling of the studio and
lands in front of everyone. It takes an additional five
minutes for him to stop jiggling.
SCOTT CAAN
Ah... Harry Knowles!
LIAM
Good god!
HARRY KNOWLES
(Irish accent)
FIRST THINGS FIRST! WHERE'S YOUR
SH*TTER? I GOT A TURTLE HEAD
POKING OUT!
There is a long beat.
HARRY KNOWLES
I'm no kiddin'. It's SQUIDGEY!
Christ, I'm gettin' all emotional
just talking about it.
SCOTT CAAN
No! I promised you a scoop on Star
Wars Episode III in exchange for
you destroying Donner and his
friends!
BIPPO
Oh, give me a break! What's this
fat bastard going to do to us?
Persy P. Peterpuffer runs into the studio.
PERSY P. PETERPUFFER
Oh, my stars and garters! What's
going on he--
SLUUUUUUURP! Harry Knowles eats Persy P. Peterpuffer and
belches loudly. Donner, Liam, Thad, and Bippo bunch together
and shiver.
BIPPO
Mama!
SCOTT CAAN
Finish them Knowles! Finish them
now!
HARRY KNOWLES
GET IN MY BELLY!
Liam, Donner, Bippo, and Thad run for the door. Scott Caan
laughs and runs out another exit. Harry Knowles takes off
after the gang.
EXT. USA STUDIOS
The gang runs outside the giant soundstage. Donner looks
around.
DONNER
Over there! That would be an
excellent place to hide!
They run for a different soundstage as Harry Knowles bursts
out of the soundstage taking out an entire wall.
INT. A STUDIO
The set is made up to look like an desolate alien world. A
couple of actors in futuristic garb are on stage as a
STAGEHAND enters frames with a clapper.
STAGEHAND
"Pitch Black II: Pitch Blacker."
Take five.
DIRECTOR
Action!
ACTOR #1
What are we going to do? These
aliens only come out to feed at
night and now there is a total
eclipse and they are all going to
come out and eat us!
ACTOR #2
Perhaps that dangerous criminal
will save us.
CHRIS ROCK enters.
CHRIS ROCK
WHY is it that there only white
folk in the future? Ever notice
how they're ain't no black folk on
The Jetsons except maybe for Rosie
and dat bitch is a robot!
Donner, Liam, Thad, and Bippo run by.
BIPPO
(to Chris Rock)
ROCK, YOU WAS DAH BOMB IN "POOTIE
TANG," YO!
Rock gives him the power salute before he and everyone else
on stage is scooped into Harry Knowles mouth and eaten.
EXT. USA STUDIOS
The gang looks at a Studio and screams in terror. The camera
pans around to reveal the sign "PLINCHET AND McCLAIN II:
FORBIDDEN PASHIONS - NOW FILMING!" They look in a different
direction and scream in terror again as they see another sign
on a different soundstage that says "CABIN ON THE LAKE III:
ALL WET - NOW FILMING". Behind them, Harry Knowles erupts
from the previous soundstage.
LIAM
What do we do!? It's death in one
direction and pain worse than death
in the other two!?
THAD
Now time! Eeeny, meeny, miney,
moe! Catch a tiger by the toe. If
he hollers make him pay. Fifty
dollars every day. My mother and
your mother were talking a
little...
Donner gets fed up, grabs Thad, and runs to "The Cabin on the
Lake" set. Liam and Bippo follows.
INT. A STUDIO
JUDD NELSON is sitting in a boat filming "The Cabin by the
Lake III".
JUDD NELSON
Oh yes... I just need to add one
more pretty lady to my collection
at the bottom. Just one more...
Just one...
Donner, Bippo, Liam, and Thad leap out of the water and jump
into the boat.
JUDD NELSON
GAH! Who the hell are you people!
LIAM
We're running from a gargantuan fat
internet geek who wants to eat us.
DONNER
Yeah, so shut up and get me a soda!
JUDD NELSON
But, I'm not a caterer! I'm Judd
Nelson! I was a member of the brat
pack! I was...
DONNER
I SAID, GET ME A SODA, BITCH!
JUDD NELSON
Yes sir.
Judd Nelson stands up. Harry Knowles LEAPS out of the water
like a humpback whale, snatches Judd Nelson off the boat, and
splashes back into the water creating a tsunami that washes
everyone out of the studio.
DONNER
I think we should leave now.
BIPPO
Up there!
Bippo points to a catwalk.
DONNER
Sure, what the hell.
Donner, Liam, Thad, and Bippo climb up a ladder onto the
catwalk and start making their way across the walkway high
above the stage.
LIAM
You know, I know that this is a
terrible time to mention this...
but this is a really bad escape
route because we've basically been
cornered and...
WHAM! Harry Knowles leaps up and grabs the catwalk in front
of them with his teeth, ripping it loose. Both he and the
section of catwalk falls back into the water leaving the gang
hanging on for dear life high above the floor.
THAD
I don't want to die like this!
Come to think of it, I don't want
to die any way!
Liam looks up and sees a canister of oxygen just in reach.
LIAM
Bippo, can I borrow a gun?
Bippo throws Liam a Magnum with laser sight.
BIPPO
Her name is Scarlet. Treat her
well.
DONNER
What are you going to do?
LIAM
You ever seen Jaws?
Harry Knowles leaps out of the water again. Liam drops the
oxygen canister into his mouth and then takes aim with the
gun as Harry Knowles is about to devour them.
LIAM
SMILE, YOU SON OF A BITCH!
Liam fires at the Oxygen canister. It explodes spattering
Harry Knowles all over the place and all over the gang.
DONNER
UGH!
THAD
Tastes like bacon!
BIPPO
Well, look on the bright side.
We're all alive, right?
There is a creaking sound above them. They all slowly look
up.
EXT. THE SOUNDSTAGE
The battered building collapses into a pile of rubble.
INT. THE SOUNDSTAGE WRECKAGE
Donner, Liam, Bippo, and Thad crawl out.
LIAM
That wasn't so bad.
Donner's cell phone rings.
DONNER
Oh, what now?
He answers it.
DONNER
This is Donner.
INT. SCOTT CAAN'S HIDEOUT
SCOTT CAAN
Donner? You're still alive, my old
friend?
INTERCUT
DONNER
STILL... old... friend. You've
managed to kill just about everyone
else here, but like a poor marksman
you just KEEP missing the target!
SCOTT CAAN
Perhaps I no longer need to try.
From a different soundstage, the banner "THE LEE M. SMITH
SHOW - DEBUTING THIS FALL ON USA" is unrolled. The gang
looks on in horror.
DONNER
You've got your show, Caan. But
you don't have me. You wanted to
kill me, Caan, you're going to HAVE
to come down here!
SCOTT CAAN
I've done worse that kill you,
Donner... I've hoort you. And I
wish to go on hoorting you. I
shall leave you as you left me...
marooned for all eternity in the
center of a culturally dead studio.
Buried alive...
(whispers)
Buried alive...
DONNER
(enraged)
CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!
EXT. HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA
The camera makes a panoramic sweep across the city as
climactic music blares.
DONNER
(echoing)
CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!
CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!
CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!
INT. THE SOUNDSTAGE WRECKAGE
As before.
LIAM
(to Thad)
Did that seem a little familiar to
you?
Donner hangs up.
DONNER
SH*T!
FADE TO:
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT
Liam, Donner, Thad, and Bippo are sitting on the couch
watching TV.
CHIP BEAVERMILK
And now, for our special
entertainment report, here's Connie
Lingus.
CONNIE LINGUS
Thanks, Chip. USA Studios is still
reeling from it's disastrous
offering of "The Lee M. Smith Show"
the show so terrible, it was
actually yanked off the air before
the first episode was finished
with. Executive producer Scott
Caan could not be reached for
comment therefore, we will assume
that he is a complete dipsh*t.
Liam clicks off the TV.
LIAM
It's good to see good taste
prevail.
DONNER
Yes, but there's just one thing I
don't understand...
BIPPO
How Liam hit that canister with
just one shot?
THAD
Why Chris Rock was in the Pitch
Black sequel?
LIAM
Why Thad never wolfed out and saved
us?
DONNER
Okay, there are several things I
don't understand, but the most
prevalent is how in the hell Caan
got his hands on my script in the
first place!
PROFESSOR ARTURO enters wearing a fur coat, diamond encrusted
sunglasses, a velvet hat with a feather in it, and a diamond
ring on each finger.
ARTURO
(smells)
It smells like up dog in here.
LIAM
What's up dog?
ARTURO
WHAT'S UP, DOG!?
Arturo laughs.
ARTURO
Forgive me, my boy... Now, I came
to tell Thad that there is a
terrible leak in the basement that
needs to be fixed.
THAD
I'll get right on it, professor.
ARTURO
There's a good lad. If anyone
needs me, I'll be in Hawaii for two
weeks.
Arturo exits.
DONNER
Yep... someone sold me out to Scott
Caan, but the question is. Who?
LIAM
I guess we'll never know.
DONNER
Well, one thing's for sure... this
isn't the last I've heard of Scott
Caan. There's no telling what that
evil devious bastard has in store
ne--
SPLAT! A pie hits Donner in the face. Scott Caan is
standing in the doorway.
SCOTT CAAN
Gotcha, you big poopie head!
He runs away laughing.
DONNER
I hate him.
FADE OUT:
THE END
ROLL CREDITS