THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
Episode 3.27 - "Attack of the Clowns"
Written by Jason Donner
EXT. A VAST STARFIELD
The STAR WARS fanfare (The Meco Disco Remix) blasts as the
title "THE LIAM SMITH SHOW" races away from the camera and
into the background. The following text slowly crawls onto
the screen.
EPISODE MCMLXXXVIII
(GIVE OR TAKE AN "I")
For years the United States
Government has been maintaining a
top secret facility in the desert
of Nevada known only by the code
name AREA 69.
Officially, the government denies
the existence of this base, but
factions of conspiracy buffs and
believe that it is the area where
the government is keeping anything
from ALIEN SPACECRAFTS to the
MISSING FLORIDA BALLOTS.
Even now, a group of X FILES
JUNKIES - who have only had a
passing interest in the series
since the departure of Mulder and
who think that FOX should have
given The Lone Gunman a fair chance
- are infiltrating the base to
learn the secrets held within.
The text crawls almost completely out of frame.
Seriously, though... The Lone
Gunmen was way better that than the
crap being passed off as the X
Files these days. Seriously.
Robert Patrick can suck my ass!
The words slowly crawl out of sight and we see nothing but
twinkling stars. The camera pans down into the city of Las
Vegas until we finally see:
INT. AN ALLEYWAY - NIGHT
CAPTAIN SPAZ runs down the alley gasping for breath. His
uniform is in shreds and what looks like spatters of creme
pie are on his back. He reaches a dead end and turns around
as several dark shadows overtake him and maniacal laughter
his heard.
CAPTAIN SPAZ
How the HELL did I get into this
mess!?
RIPPLE DISSOLVE
TO:
EXT. THE NEVADA DESERT - NIGHT
The camera pans down and we see the top secret military base,
AREA 69. We see a few dark figures sneaking around the
perimeter.
SUBTITLE: "AREA 69 - (BEFORE HE GOT INTO THIS MESS)"
EXT. AREA 69 - NIGHT
A closer view. GEEK, DORK, PANSY, and WUSS-BOY are sneaking
around. GEEK takes out a pair or wire cutters and starts
cutting a hole in the fence.
DORK
I'm not sure this is such a good
idea!
He takes a puff of his inhaler. Geek slaps it out of his
hand.
GEEK
You know and I know that there's
lot's of cool alien stuff in here!
When we get pictures of it and post
it to our website, we'll double our
hits!
PANSY
Can't we just fake our findings
like Ain't It Cool News?
GEEK
No! Now shut up and come on!
INT. AREA 69
Dork, Geek, Pansy, and Wuss-Boy are walking through the
walls.
WUSS-BOY
This is vaguely reminiscent of The
Doctor Who labyrinth episode with K
9.
PANSY
I was thinking more along the lines
of Star Trek's "Devil in the Dark".
GEEK
Security is awfully lax, don't you
think?
DORK
Oh hey, look! It's an army helmet!
The Dork picks up the helmet revealing that there is a
SEVERED HUMAN HEAD in it. The Dork screams like a woman,
wets himself, and starts crying.
GEEK
Michael Eisner's Spirit!
WUSS-BOY
T-T-This is just like the Ridley
Scott classic, "Alien"!
DORK
More like X Files episode 3.17!
WUSS-BOY
Oh, EVERYTHING IS X FILES EPISODE
3.17 TO YOU!!!
PANSY
All of you! Cease talking and
LOOK!
He points. Down the corridor, the halls are covered with
bulletholes, blood, and gunk and the floor is littered with
solider parts.
WUSS-BOY
It's a massacre!
GEEK
Just like the massacre of Wolf 359!
PANSY
Just like the destruction of
Alderaan!
DORK
Just like X Files Episode 3.17!
PANSY
Obviously, something here made
mince meat of everyone in the base!
DORK
What if it's still here? Like in
the underrated modern movie classic
"Deep Rising"?
WUSS-BOY
Or "The Thing?" The classic and
not that crappy John Carpenter
remake.
PANSY
THE REMAKE WAS NOT CRAPPY!
(crying, high voice)
STOP SAYING IT WAS CRAPPY!
WUSS-BOY
(to pansy)
Pull yourself together man! You're
the smartest and most clever one
out of all of us! Remember the
time you zinged Brannon Bragga at
Smash-Con 1999 with your "Seven of
Nine Show" quip?
PANSY
Yeah, that showed him!
WUSS-BOY
Like I said, you're the smartest
out of all of us and our only hope
of getting out of here alive.
So... WHAT SHOULD WE DO!?
Pansy opens his mouth to speak, but his chest explodes in a
shower of blood and crap. The tip of a GIANT RED CLOWN SHOE
sticks out of the body cavity. Wuss-Boy, Dork, and Geek
scream in terror and run.
INT. AREA 69
Geek, Dork, and Wuss-Boy tear around a corner screaming.
Wuss-Boy looks behind them where dozens of LIVING BALLOON
DOGGIES are chasing them snapping and barking. Wuss-Boy
trips and the balloon doggies attack him. Geek and Dork can
only watch helplessly as he is torn to pieces by the inflated
infuriated rubber pooches. They turn and run.
INT. AREA 69
Dork and Geek round the corner and come face to face with
several dark figures with bushy red hair and funny hats.
They scream as the figures surround them and advance.
EXT. AREA 69 - NIGHT
We hear the Geek and Dork scream bloody murder. We then hear
a slash, a gurgle, and a crunching sound. The screams stop
and we hear the sound of a honker horn.
MUSIC STING
FADE OUT:
--------------------------------------------------------------
THEME SONG (TO THE THEME OF "MARRIED WITH CHILDREN")
In Vegas City
In Vegas City
Is the setting of a show that sh*tty.
You read it all here on you computer,
or print it off and read it on the pooper.
And now it's due time,
Now it's due time.
At least it will be after all these lame rhymes.
To read the next installment,
A word that rhymes with installment.
OLE!
--------------------------------------------------------------
Starring
Dian Bachar
as
"Liam Smith"
John Rhys-Davies
as
"Professor Arturo"
Seann William Scott
as
"Thad Coffey"
and
Robert Floyd
as
"Bippo the Clown"
Special Guest Star
The Rock
as
"Hippo the Ultraclown"
The Liam Smith Show: Now 99.99 percent free of redeeming social values!
FADE IN:
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT
Liam and Thad are watching the news.
CHIP BEAVERMILK
(on TV)
Hello, and welcome to Las Vegas
news at six. I'm Chip Beavermilk.
We now go live to Connie Lingus out
in the Nevada desert for a special
report.
CONNIE LINGUS
(on TV)
Thank you, Chip. Behind me, you
see the until-now top-secret
military base known only as Area 69
now a burning ruin of death and
devastation. I do not think that I
am alone in saying... Thank GOD
this is sweeps!
LIAM
(awed)
Wow.
Thad farts. Liam and Thad start laughing.
CONNIE LINGUS
(on TV)
It is unknown who or what is
responsible for this melee of death
and pain, but one thing is for
sure... whatever it was, it was
being held at this top secret base
and is currently on the loose.
CHIP BEAVERMILK
(on TV)
Even though that was technically
two things, thank you Connie. With
me now is social expert, Hugh G.
Rection. Hugh, would you say that
this is good reason for the public
to panic?
HUGH G. RECTION
(on TV)
In my professional opinion? Yes.
CHIP BEAVERMILK
(on TV)
Thank you, Hugh. We'll have more
on this shocking story and growing
public panic at ten as well as a
special expose on a new invention
that can remove salt from millions
of gallons of seawater. Is it a
god-send, or as the Republican GOP
says... the work of the DEVIL!?
THAD
Amazing! Can you imagine what that
would mean to the impoverished
nations of the third world?
LIAM
Yeah, they'd have enough salt to
last a lifetime!
Bippo enters.
LIAM
Hey, Bippo, what's going on?
BIPPO
It's terrible! It's awful! It's
horrible! It's the worst thing
imaginable! It could be the end of
life as we all know it!
THAD
What is it?
LIAM
Tell us!
BIPPO
Kathie Lee has released another
album!
THAD
My GOD!
BIPPO
Oh, also... if a large face-painted
bloke called Hippo the Ultraclown
comes looking for me, I'm not here.
Okay?
LIAM
Hippo the Ultraclown? Who's that?
BIPPO
No one important.
The doorbell rings.
BIPPO
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll be
in here.
Bippo runs to Liam's room and slams the door. Liam and Thad
look at each other then Liam answers the door. Standing
there is a hulking man in armored clown attire who stands at
least 7 and a half feet tall. This is, of course, HIPPO THE
ULTRACLOWN. Around him are five other clowns who stare on
maniacally breathing heavily.
LIAM
(swallows)
Uh... hello.
HIPPO THE ULTRACLOWN
Hello pink-skined non-clown type
person, I'm Hippo the Ultraclown.
These are my friends, Wippo the
Clown, Dippo the Clown, Shippo the
Clown, Gippo the Clown, and Lippo
the Clown.
LIAM
Hello, Ultraclown and his very
scary friends. I'm Liam Not A
Clown.
HIPPO THE ULTRACLOWN
Hello, Liam. Would you be so clown
kind as to tell me where I can
clown-find Bippo the Clown?
LIAM
(scratches chin)
Bippo the Clown? Bippo the Clown?
Thad, do know a Bippo the Clown?
THAD
(clueless)
Yeah.
Liam stops and gives Thad a glare.
LIAM
Oh yeah, Bippo the Clown. I'm
afraid we haven't seen him. Last
we saw him was two or three...
uh...
THAD
Seconds ago.
Liam gives Thad another annoyed look.
HIPPO THE ULTRACLOWN
Well, when you clown-see him...
Tell him that HIPPO the ULTRACLOWN
is clown-looking for him and would
like to discuss matters of clown
ology.
THAD
Oh, next time we're in the bedroom
we'll let him know.
HIPPO leaves. Liam looks at Thad with his hands on his hips,
tapping his foot.
THAD
(still clueless)
What?
Bippo comes out of the bedroom.
BIPPO
Are they gone?
LIAM
Yeah, for now... what was all that
about, Bippo?
BIPPO
Oh... Uh... Nothing.
LIAM
Don't you tell me nothing, young
man, now come clean! We just
risked our spines and internal
organs for you!
BIPPO
All right, all right, all right...
It's time to level with you. It's
time for me to tell you the story
of my origin.
Liam and Thad slump.
LIAM
Awwwwww....
THAD
Again?
LIAM
Bippo, so far you've told us
exactly thirty-three separate
origin stories.
THAD
In one, you were given an enchanted
red nose by the Clown Lantern
Corps.
LIAM
In another, you were dropped in a
vat of toxic chemicals that
bleached your skin.
THAD
You were the son of Zues and a
mortal.
LIAM
Then you were put in a basket and
sent down a river by your mother so
that you may one day return and
liberate your people from the
Egyptians!.
THAD
And THEN you were bitten by a clown
at a circus and forced to turn into
one yourself and we all know that
anything remotely like that is
completely impossible!
BIPPO
I know, I know, I know... but this
time I'm serious... I need to tell
you where I really came from.
Thad and Liam stare at Bippo who retains a cold serious
stare.
LIAM
You're serious?
BIPPO
I'm serious.
THAD
Really?
BIPPO
Really.
LIAM
Well then, we'd better call the
professor... he should hear this
too.
ARTURO (O.C.)
I wouldn't miss this for all the
tea in China!
Thad, Liam, and Bippo look. Arturo is sitting on the couch
next to them.
LIAM
How the HELL do you DO that?
ARTURO
How do I do what?
THAD
Appearing and disappearing! You're
like Batman, only you're old and
fat and I shudder to imagine you in
black rubber!
ARTURO
It probably has something to do
with your MTV-diminished attention
spans coupled with the fact that
you...
(sighs, snaps fingers)
Liam, Thad, Bippo... try to focus.
Liam, Thad, and Bippo - whose attention has wandered - turn
and look at him.
THAD
Sorry professor. You lost us for a
second.
ARTURO
Perhaps if I had that boy-toy
Carson Daily interrupting me every
fifteen seconds, I could retain
your attention. Nevertheless...
Bippo, it's time for you to tell us
the story of your origin and for
God's sake, come clean with us this
time! No more business about being
an android from the 823rd century!
BIPPO
Right... You may not believe this,
but I was once a normal human
being...
RIPPLE DISSOLVE
TO:
EXT. A SMALL TOWN
The camera passes a sign that identifies the town as
"Bumfükenegypt, Utah".
SUBTITLE: "1996 - THE YEAR OF THE WOMBAT"
BIPPO (V.O.)
I was called "Bill" back then. I
was young and eager. Having just
graduated High School and lost my
virginity to the English teacher...
I was ready to face the world full
on.
INT. A BEDROOM
A messy bedroom. Posters on the wall for "INDEPENDENCE DAY"
and the Taco Bell dog hang in the dirty room as BILL plays a
Gameboy. BILL'S MOM enters.
BIPPO (V.O.)
I was eighteen when my mother
finally said to me those three
magical words.
BILL'S MOM
You're kicked out.
BILL
Sh*t.
EXT. THE STREET
Bill is walking along the street with a suitcase in one hand
and a Gameboy in the other.
BIPPO (V.O.)
I was out on the street. Alone,
destitute and out of AA batteries.
I was at the end of my young rope
when suddenly, I was offered a ray
of hope.
A black car pulls up next to Bill. The window rolls down and
a very stern looking man in a black suit leans out.
MAN
Kid, if you get in my car, I'll
give you candy.
BILL
All right.
Bill throws down his suitcase and jumps in the car which
speeds off.
FADE TO:
INT. AN OPERATING ROOM - BILL'S POV
We see several doctors standing over him with scalpels and
instruments. Lights shine from overhead.
BIPPO (V.O.)
Silly me... the guy in the car was
actually a military General working
a top secret project and kidnapping
delinquents from off the street.
DOCTOR
Scalpel.
The doctor is handed a scalpel. His hand begins bleeding.
DOCTOR
Handle first next time.
He uses it and tosses it aside.
DOCTOR
Forceps.
The doctor is handed a pair of forceps. He uses them and
tosses them aside.
DOCTOR
Rib spreader.
The doctor is handed a rip spreader. He uses it - making a
disgusting crunching sound - and tosses it aside. A cat
jumps on Bill's open chest.
DOCTOR
Get that cat out of here!
Someone grabs the cat and runs to the door with it.
FADE TO:
INT. A LAB
Two doctors and the General enter.
BIPPO (V.O.)
Over the course of six months, I
was subjected to dozens of godless
experiments and procedures until,
finally, they had done their work.
DOCTOR #1
We've subjected him to dozens of
godless experiments and procedures
and now, finally, we've finished
our work.
DOCTOR #2
There he is. What do you think?
They look. BIPPO THE CLOWN is sitting there.
GENERAL
He's a clown.
DOCTOR #1
(grinning)
Yep.
GENERAL
Why is he a clown?
DOCTOR #2
We did research.
DOCTOR #1
And it turns out that millions of
people have an irrational fear of
clowns.
DOCTOR #2
We figured that giving your
military super-solider the guise of
a clown would be perfect!
GENERAL
(sighs)
All right, whatever. What do we
call it.
DOCTOR #1
Weapon Pi.
GENERAL
Why do you call it Weapon Pi?
SPLAT! A cream pie hits the general in the face. Bippo sits
with his hands behind his back whistling to himself.
FADE TO:
INT. A LAB
More clowns are being prepped by the scientists.
BIPPO (V.O.)
Over the following months, more of
the super-clowns were made. The
government was building an army of
Weapon Pi Soldiers.
BIPPO THE CLOWN peeks out from behind a column.
BIPPO (V.O.)
But I knew that the ways of war
were not for me... therefore, I
conjured up a clever distraction
and escaped.
Bippo sneaks over to a nearby computer and places a copy of
"THE SIMS" on it and sneaks away.
FADE TO:
INT. THE LAB - MINUTES LATER
The Doctors and Scientists are surrounding the computer
playing THE SIMS with tremendous interest.
DOCTOR #1
I control the destiny of these
people... it makes me a king. Nay,
it makes me a GOD!!!
Lighting crashes. Bippo goes out an emergency exit in the
background unnoticed.
RIPPLE DISSOLVE
TO:
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT
AS before.
SUBTITLE: The Present (Relatively Speaking)
ARTURO
It's unbelievable!
BIPPO
Quite a story, huh?
ARTURO
No, it's just unbelievable. You
actually expect us to swallow that
enormous load of horsecrap? Why
would the government be kidnapping
teenagers and making them into
clowns? Why would they make more
of these clown soldiers if they had
never been properly tested and why
the HELL would they call you
"Weapon Pi!?"
SPLAT! A creme pie hits Arturo in the face. Bippo stands
there with his hands behind his back, whistling innocently.
LIAM
Okay, there's one thing I don't
understand?
ARTURO, THAD, & BIPPO
ONE thing?
LIAM
Who is this Hippo the Ultra-Clown
and what does he and his horrible
gang of mutant clown-freaks want
with you?
BIPPO
Oh, that? I'm their daddy.
A long beat.
THAD
Could you say that into my good
ear? I could have sworn you said
you were their daddy.
BIPPO
I am. They're all clones of me.
Hideously EVIL clones of me.
Thunder crash. Arturo has licked all the creme pie off his
face.
ARTURO
This is complete and utter crap.
HIPPO THE ULTRACLOWN (O.C.)
Actually, it's all true.
Everyone looks. Hippo and his gang are standing at Liam's
door.
THAD
Liam, don't you have a deadbolt for
God's sake!?
LIAM
Yes.
Hippo the Ultraclown holds up a hunk of the door with a
deadbolt in it. He tosses it aside and walks up to Bippo.
HIPPO THE ULTRACLOWN
Ah, Genefather... we have clown
searched for you for a whole three
hours.
BIPPO
Really? How did you find me?
HIPPO THE ULTRACLOWN
We simply clown-searched for the
one area of town that the cats
avoided religiously.
BIPPO
Smart move.
HIPPO THE ULTRACLOWN
Genefather, it is time to clown
cleanse the earth of all non-clowns
and bring about a new age of
clownism.
BIPPO
Uh... what?
LIAM
(whispers)
I think he wants you to help him
take over the world.
BIPPO
How do you know?
LIAM
I've been involved in no less than
thirty attempts by various people
trying to take over the world. You
sort of get an ear for it after the
twentieth time.
HIPPO THE ULTRACLOWN
Liam the Non-Clown is correct. It
is time for all Clowns to clown
rise up against the pink-skins who
oppress our Clowniness and
celebrate all that Clowintry has to
offer.
BIPPO
I told you, Hippo... I have no
interest in taking over the world.
All I want to do is cause mischief
and mayhem on a global scale, but
I'll leave ruling the world to
whichever shmuck ends up with it.
Besides, you're one clown with five
strangely silent henchmen and...
(a beat, re: other clowns)
Do they even talk?
DIPPO THE CLOWN
(deranged)
He hee... F*ck you!
BIPPO
(a beat, back to Hippo)
What makes you think that you can
take over the world with this
motley crew?
ARTURO
It is just me, or is Bippo actually
being the rational one?
BIPPO
Yeah, scary ain't it.
HIPPO THE ULTRACLOWN
As I thought... clown-living among
the pink-skins has made you soft!
You will join us or be clown
destroyed!
BIPPO
Tuh! I'm not joining you! I've
got chunks of guys like you in my
poop! You think you can beat me,
Hippo? You and what army?
HIPPO THE ULTRACLOWN
So, you've clown-chosen to side
with the pink-skins, eh?
BIPPO
Before I say yes... you DON'T have
an army, do you?
HIPPO THE ULTRACLOWN
You will clown-die as will your
weak friends.
BIPPO
Oh hell, you DO have an army, don't
you?
HIPPO THE ULTRACLOWN
Prepare to be CLOWN-DESTROYED!!!
There is massive horn-honking from outside. Bippo, Arturo,
Liam, and Thad run to the window where they see a massive
CLONE-CLOWN ARMY of MILLIONS standing outside.
THAD
(to Liam)
Don't say it.
LIAM
What?
THAD
You KNOW what.
LIAM
(a beat)
Send in the clowns?
Thad, Bippo, and Arturo moan.
ARTURO
It appears to be an army of CLOWN
CLONES!
HIPPO THE ULTRACLOWN
Indeed... I hate to be the one to
clown-kill our own genefather, but
is must clown-do what I must clown
do. Meet me in the alley behind
Circus Circus and we will clown
settle this like Clowns!
He honks a horn and walks out. The other five clowns follow
him out like obedient dogs.
LIAM
Wow, Bippo... what are you planning
to do?
BIPPO
I hear that Mexico is nice this
time of year.
LIAM
Well, I know what I'M going to do.
Liam presses a button on his watch. It begins beeping.
THAD
What the hell is that?
LIAM
It's an official Capeman signal
watch. Capeman gave it to me for
only $19.99 so that I could signal
him when I needed him.
THAD
Oh, bull.
CAPEMAN (O.C.)
Liam, what's the problem?
Everyone jumps. The camera pans over to reveal CAPEMAN
standing there.
THAD
What the hell is up with THAT
today?
ARTURO
Capeman, did you REALLY sell Liam a
signal watch?
CAPEMAN
Of course.
ARTURO
Why?
CAPEMAN
Well, usually when there's trouble
in this town... or even this entire
section of the globe it usually
involves Liam at some point or
another so it saves time.
Secondly, it beats the hell out of
Nightflyer's signal.
BIPPO
Nightflyer's signal?
CAPEMAN
The big spotlight that shines over
Gothic City that projects the
Nightflyer triangle in the sky.
It's nice, but any idiot kid with a
paper cutout and a flashlight can
call him anytime they want. So,
what's up?
LIAM
(re: window)
Take a look for yourself.
Capeman looks.
CAPEMAN
Great Scott! It's a sea of
merriness that somehow makes me
want to wet myself. So much
clownage! I can't handle this by
myself!
LIAM
Good! I was hoping you'd call the
Justice Squad.
CAPEMAN
Er... I would, but all of the Squad
except for myself and one other is
gone.
ARTURO
I say! Gone where?
CAPEMAN
Some sort of Superhero caucus.
CUT TO:
INT. A LOUNGE
ULTRAWOMAN, NIGHTFLYER, BLUE FAIRY, COSMIC WEASEL, DOCTOR
WHAM, BAHAMA MON, THE TEXAN, BLACK PUMA, DECOY XXXIII, and
several other superheroes are in a conga line holding mixed
drinks in one hand.
HEROES
(dancing, singing)
Caucus, caucus, caucus!
WHAM! A moose-head falls from the wall and kills Decoy.
Everyone stops and looks, then goes back to dancing.
HEROES
(dancing, singing)
Caucus, caucus, caucus!
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT
As before.
THAD
Wait, you said that there was
another one here with you! Who is
it?
CAPEMAN
That's the BAD news.
Capeman takes out his JUSTICE SQUAD signal devise and sighs.
CAPEMAN
Reinforcements requested in Las
Vegas... The usual location.
A transporter effect appears in the middle of the room and
CAPTAIN SPAZ appears.
CAPTAIN SPAZ
I would have gotten here sooner,
but I was doing laundry.
BIPPO
Well, we're boned.
CAPTAIN SPAZ
What? What's going on here?
(looks out window)
What's with all the clowns?
LIAM
They're evil clown clones grown
from Bippo in an evil government
experiment to create the ultimate
solider called "Weapon Pi".
CAPEMAN
Why on Earth would they call it
"Weapon Pi?"
SPLAT! SPLAT! Captain Spaz and Capeman are both pied in the
face. Bippo stands off to the side whistling innocently.
LIAM
I take it we need a plan.
Capeman and Captain Spaz is wiping creme pie out of their
eyes.
CAPEMAN
I'd settle for a towel right now.
CAPTAIN SPAZ
Or a little ice cream.
THAD
(suddenly)
WAIT! I think I have a plan, I...
No, No I don't. YES! I do I...
No... Yes... No... Ye... No...
(a beat)
YES! I DO HAVE A PLAN!
CAPEMAN
Oh God.
THAD
Have any of you ever seen "The
Howling?"
ARTURO
You mean that god-awful movie about
the werewolf in the circus?
THAD
No, that was "Howling V"
LIAM
The piece of crap movie about
werewolves in Australia?
THAD
No, that was "Howling III."
BIPPO
That festering dung-heap of a movie
about a dead sister werewolf and
Christopher Lee?
THAD
That was "Howling II."
LIAM
The one about the busty firefighter
babe who became involved with a
handsome arsonist and they both...
Ahem... "Lit each other's fire" so
to speak?
THAD
(a beat)
That was Kari Wuhrer's "Let Me Take
Out Your Hose". No, guys, I'm
talking about the FIRST Howling
movie. Have any of you seen it?
CAPEMAN
No.
LIAM
No.
CAPTAIN SPAZ
No.
ARTURO
No.
BIPPO
Yes.
(a beat)
I mean, no.
ARTURO
What's your point, Thad?
THAD
I...
(a blank look)
I forgot.
Everyone moans.
THAD
No, WAIT! I've got it! At the end
of the movie, they kill all the
werewolves by locking them in a
barn and catching it on fire!
LIAM
Wow!
THAD
I know, it was almost as
heartbreaking as the end of
Titanic.
LIAM
That's nice, Thad... But we have to
think realistically. I mean, how
is burning down a barn full of
werewolves going to help us defeat
an army of clown clones?
ARTURO
Dear sweet GOD! It's like a Mobius
loop of pure stupidity in this
place! Listen Liam and listen
Thad. Do not interrupt me or I
will shove my fist into your face.
Understood?
LIAM
Is it all right to say "yes",
because after all you told us not
to interrupt yo--
THWACK! Arturo bitch-slaps Liam.
LIAM
Sorry sir.
ARTURO
Thad's plan is sound. There's an
old warehouse behind Circus Circus
they use to store all the Alf
merchandise they couldn't sell or
give to Goodwill. If we can
somehow lure the clown clones into
that building and blow it up, our
problems will be over.
CAPEMAN
An excellent idea, professor!
BIPPO
I'll get the explosives.
LIAM
So... Exactly where DOES the barn
full of werewolves come into this?
Arturo screams out of frustration and lunges at Liam. Thad
and Capeman hold him back.
FADE TO:
INT. THE ALLEYWAY
Capeman, Bippo, Thad, Arturo, Captain Spaz, and Liam are
standing around one of those old push dentonators. The
warehouse is seen in the background with the words "FREE ALF
MERCHANDISE" on a banner.
ARTURO
Everything appears to be in order.
We have three tons of plastic
explosives rigged in that
warehouse... although I cannot
begin to fathom how Bippo managed
to safely store that much
explosives safely in his freezer.
BIPPO
They were in tupperware.
ARTURO
Right. Well, let us try to lure
Hippo the Ultraclown here. Are you
all clear on the distraction plan?
LIAM
We drop our pants, wiggle our
asses, and say "nannie-nannie-boo
boo" until they chase us, right?
ARTURO
Correct.
BIPPO
At last, MY KIND OF PLAN!
Arturo, Bippo, Liam, and Thad run off. Capeman and Captain
Spaz stand there watching them go.
CAPTAIN SPAZ
Remind me again what we're doing?
CAPEMAN
We're hear to make sure that the
clowns are in the warehouse when it
blows so please, don't go and screw
it up like you usually do!
CAPTAIN SPAZ
Capeman, that wounds me!
Especially coming from you!
CAPEMAN
What did you say?
CAPTAIN SPAZ
I said you hurt my feelings.
CAPEMAN
Oh, I'm sorry. Perhaps I can sing
you a lullaby and change your
diaper to make it up to you.
CAPTAIN SPAZ
(turns away)
You don't understand at all.
A beat.
CAPEMAN
All right, I'll bite. What don't I
understand?
CAPTAIN SPAZ
I'm doing this because of you!
CAPEMAN
You're blowing up a warehouse full
of clowns because of me?
CAPTAIN SPAZ
No... Well, yes... but I mean the
whole crime fighting thing. I'm
doing it because you... inspired me
to do so. Because of your example,
I put on this uniform and joined
the Justice Squad. In fact, a lot
of the squad were inspired by
you... even though they probably
won't admit it.
CAPEMAN
Ooooooookay. So, what does that
mean to me?
CAPTAIN SPAZ
Just once... I'd like to hear you
say, hey Captain Spaz! That was a
great save you just did! Hey,
Captain Spaz! That was a marvelous
rescue!
CAPEMAN
Do something right and I'll
consider it.
CAPTAIN SPAZ
A simple "good job Captain Spaz"
would be fine, you know. You have
no idea what hearing that would
mean to me. That's all I want.
CAPEMAN
It's good to want things.
Liam, Arturo, Thad, and Bippo come running up the alley.
THAD
(to Bippo)
Dude, I can't believe you actually
put clown-white make-up on your
ass!
BIPPO
Well, you know what they say. If
you're going to do something, do it
right.
ARTURO
THE CLONES ARE ATTACKING!
The clown clones tear around the corner. Capeman looks at
Liam.
CAPEMAN
You remember what to do?
LIAM
Nothing to it!
CAPEMAN
I know, but do you think YOU can
handle it?
LIAM
YES!
CAPEMAN
Then go!
Liam, Bippo, Arturo, and Thad run for the warehouse and go
inside. HIPPO THE ULTRACLOWN runs up to Capeman and Captain
Spaz. The CLOWN ARMY grinds to a halt behind him.
HIPPO THE ULTRACLOWN
Excuse me. Have you clown-seen
four mooners?
CAPEMAN
They went in there.
Capeman points to the warehouse.
HIPPO THE ULTRACLOWN
Thank you.
(to army)
CLOWN-ATTACK!
The army raises a mighty war cry and runs into the warehouse.
After they are all inside, Liam, Bippo, Arturo, and Thad
appear in a transporter effect next to Capeman and Captain
Spaz.
LIAM
There, see? Nothing to it! I told
you that everything would be okay!
Now, all we have to do is blow up
the warehouse and everything will
be just fine!
ARTURO
Right!
Arturo places both hands on the plunger and pushes it down.
There is a farting noise and everyone looks at Arturo.
ARTURO
(blushes)
Excuse me.
CAPEMAN
That... wasn't supposed to happen.
LIAM
Uh... the warehouse no go boomy?
BIPPO
But, there's tons of C4 explosives
in there! It should have not only
killed them, but us as well and any
one else dumb enough to be in a two
mile radius.
THAD
Maybe no one connected the
detonator?
CAPEMAN
Don't be silly. Who would be that
dumb? Wait a minute... who's job
was it to...
Captain Spaz meekly raises his hand.
CAPEMAN
Aw, F*CK! CAPTAIN SPAZ, YOU
F*CKING STUPID PILE OF APE-SH*T!
ARTURO
Relax! We have a few minutes at
least before the Ultraclown
discovers that we're not in the
warehouse anymore. Until then, we
can form an alternate...
HIPPO THE ULTRACLOWN (O.C.)
THERE THEY ARE! CLOWN-KILL THEM!
ARTURO
Dammit.
The clown army burst out of the warehouse all wearing ALF T
shirts and start running towards the gang.
CAPEMAN
All of you run! I can cause these
countless, cruel, conniving,
calamitous clowns to curse the
corny cause they've committed to
quickly!
CAPTAIN SPAZ
Right! And I'll stay to help!
WHOOPS!
Captain Spaz slips on a banana peel and bumps into a storm
pipe. The pipe comes loose and hits a neighboring building,
causing a wall to come crumbling down on top of Capeman and
burying him under a ton of concrete. Everyone stares at the
pile of rubble as the screaming clowns draw ever closer.
Captain Spaz shrugs and laughs pitifully.
CAPTAIN SPAZ
You know, at any other time this
would be funny.
LIAM
Aw crap.
Everyone takes off down the alley as the clowns take off
after them.
BIPPO
(running)
Liam!
LIAM
(also running)
Yes?
BIPPO
You've still got that Justice Squad
transporter on you?
LIAM
Yeah, but what good will a
transporter do us?
Bippo rolls his eyes and snatches it out of Liam's front
pocket. There is a ripping sound and we see that Liam's
underwear is somehow now attached to it. Bippo throws them
aside and presses a few buttons.
ARTURO
(yep, also running)
What the devil are you doing!?
BIPPO
Professor, I've learned a few
things over the years. Number one:
plans never work the way we wish
they would and two: it's always a
good idea to have a back door.
Bippo presses a button and Bippo, Liam, Arturo, and Thad
disappears. Captain Spaz looks around in confusion.
CAPTAIN SPAZ
You DICKS!
Captain Spaz runs down the alley. Several cream pies fly
past him getting gooey white filling all over him. He comes
to a brick wall and turns around facing the oncoming army.
CAPTAIN SPAZ
How the HELL did I get into this
mess!?
RIPPLE DISSOLVE
TO:
EXT. THE NEVADA DESERT - NIGHT
The camera pans down and we see the top secret military base,
AREA 69. We see a few dark figures sneaking around the
perimeter.
SUBTITLE: "AREA 69 - (BEFORE HE GOT INTO THIS MESS)"
EXT. AREA 69 - NIGHT
A closer view. GEEK, DORK, PANSY, and WUSS-BOY are sneaking
around. GEEK takes out a pair or wire cutters and starts
cutting a hole in the fence.
DORK
I'm not sure this is such a good
idea!
He takes a puff of his inhaler. Geek slaps it out of his
hand.
GEEK
You know and I know that there's
lot's of cool alien stuff in here!
When we get pictures of it and post
it to our website, we'll double our
hits!
PANSY
Can't we just fake our findings
like Ain't It Cool News?
GEEK
No! Now shut up and--
CUT TO:
STATIC
A still picture with TRIUMPH THE INSULT COMIC DOG holding up
a sign that says "We'll be right Bark" comes up.
CUT TO:
BLACK
The makers of The Liam Smith Show would like to apologize for
the flashback within the flashback that sent us back to the
beginning of the flashback. Be assured that the person
responsible would have been fired if he was actually being
paid.
CUT TO:
We would also like to apologies for the flashback within a
flashback that occured when Bippo explained his origin.
CUT TO:
While we're at it... We'd also like to apologize for the part
when the professor cut one. We're all pretty ashamed of that
one ourselves.
CUT TO:
STATIC
CUT TO:
EXT. A MEADOW
Bippo, Liam, Captain Spaz, Arturo, and Thad appears in a
transporter effect.
BIPPO
There. That went well.
THAD
Where are we?
Thad is about to take a step forward. Bippo shouts.
BIPPO
DON'T TAKE A STEP!
Thad stops.
THAD
Uh... why?
Suddenly, a few hundred feet away, HIPPO THE ULTRACLOWN and
his clown army appears in a similar transporter effect.
HIPPO THE ULTRACLOWN
FOOL! Did you think you could
clown-escape that easily!
THAD
You think that was EASY!?
HIPPO THE ULTRACLOWN
We clown-fashioned our own
transporter to clown-follow you
hours ago! Now you will all be
clown-destroyed!
ARTURO
What did you do to that annoying
Captain Spaz person?
HIPPO THE ULTRACLOWN
You mean that little whiney man
woman? He wet himself and started
crying and we clown-decided that it
would be a much more fitting
punishment to allow him to continue
his pathetic life.
Arturo, Thad, Bippo, and Liam look at each other, fall to
their knees and start crying.
HIPPO THE ULTRACLOWN
I don't clown-see any wetting.
LIAM
(whispers to Bippo)
What do we do?
BIPPO
Don't move. Don't move a muscle!
The clowns begin to advance on them pulling out ferocious
balloon doggies, nooses and nun-chucks made out of cotton
candy, squirt flowers filled with acid, and exploding cream
pies.
HIPPO THE ULTRACLOWN
Prepare to be CLOWN-DESTROYED!
THAD
(whispers to Liam)
How DO we prepare for that exactly?
Hippo the Ultraclown looms over them and pulls out a giant
cannon out of his pants. He aims it at the gang and is about
to fire when...
BLAM! A black hand erupts from the ground and grabs the
Ultraclown's leg throwing him off balance. He drops the
cannon which explodes harmlessly into the air.
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! Like a scene from a zombie movie, black
hands erupt from the ground and begin latching onto the legs
of the clowns in the army. The clowns scream in terror and
fury as dark figures rise up out of the ground. The camera
zoom in on Liam, Arturo, Thad, and Bippo as the clowns are
dragged down.
ARTURO
I DON'T believe it!
THAD
It's... It's a...
LIAM
Mime-field!
Sure enough, the dark figures are actually MIMES clawing
their way out of the ground and beating the clowns senseless
with invisible baseball bats and hatchets. Three mimes have
trapped Hippo the Ultraclown in an invisible box.
HIPPO THE ULTRACLOWN
BIPPO! I WILL NOT CLOWN-FORGET
THIS! YOU HAVE BETRAYED ALL OF
CLOWN KIND!
BIPPO
Have a nice life, Hippo... all
remaining three seconds of it.
HIPPO THE ULTRACLOWN
CLOWN-NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
The mimes shrink the box down until Hippo the Ultraclown
disappears into nothing. The mimes and clowns begin fighting
each other to the death as Bippo activates the transporter
and the gang disappears as the meadow turns into a bloody
battlefield.
FADE TO:
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT
Bippo, Thad, Liam, and Arturo are sitting on the couch
staring into nothing. All of them look concerned and
confused except for Bippo. There is a long pause.
LIAM
Uh...
Another long pause.
ARTURO
Does anyone have the slightest idea
what happened yesterday? I have
been perplexed about it ever since.
BIPPO
We saved the world from a clown
clone army.
LIAM
Yeah, but it all seemed so
confusing and pointless.
THAD
Just filler.
LIAM
Say what?
Thad holds up a mug.
THAD
Quit trying to figure it out and
just fill 'er up!
Liam pours Thad a beer and Thad drinks.
LIAM
Well, I'm just glad to know that
both Capeman and Captain Spaz are
all right although, I don't think
Capeman will be speaking to him
very often expect in explicit two
word phrases.
ARTURO
And, as Bippo pointed out, we DID
save the world.
LIAM
Again.
ARTURO
Yes, again.
THAD
And at last we found out once and
for all where Bippo the Clown came
from.
BIPPO
Yep.
LIAM
At last.
BIPPO
Concrete proof.
ARTURO
No doubt about it.
A long pause.
THAD
Waaaaaaait a minute, where does
your evil twin brother Flippo the
Clown figure into all of this? Was
he a clown clone too or a real twin
brother who was part of Weapon Pi
or what?
LIAM
Yeah, and didn't we meet your dad
once? Would that totally
invalidate-?
Bippo leaps to his feet and throws down a pellet which erupts
in a cloud of smoke... a small cloud of smoke that doesn't
come close to obscuring Bippo from view as he runs to the
door and exits.
ARTURO
Something tells me that we've been
had.
LIAM
Yeah... I figured so, but it's not
the fact that we have been had more
than the fact that I have no IDEA
how the f*ck we have been had.
There is a farting sound. Arturo looks at Liam. Liam looks
at Thad. Thad looks at Arturo. There is a long pause and
then the three of them start laughing like Beavis and Butt
Head.
FADE OUT:
THE END