The Liam Smith Show
Episode 3.29: "Great balls of fire"
By David Hopper
1914 - EXT . a wide sweeping image of the World War 1 trench
systems of both sides. It's quiet, despite the war torn
damage. Slowly, soldiers from both sides come out and walk
slowly towards each other. British and French on one side,
German, Austrian-Hungarians on the other. After a few
minutes, one of the Germans takes out a cigarette and offers
it to an English soldier. The camera pans over to see the
young, still human DREW FANGTASTIC look quizzically at the
offering.
DREW
Erm, but I don't smoke.
ENGLISH SOLDIER
Take it lad, or their could be
trouble.
DREW
We're in the middle of no mans land
for crying out loud, I think we
already are in trouble.
ENGLISH SOLDIER
Just take the f*(BLEEP!)*ing thing,
will you? Where's yer Christmas
spirit?
Drew does so, takes a very amateurish drag and starts
coughing his guts out. Everyone starts laughing, regardless
of what side their on.
DREW
They should put health warnings on
these things.
A montage of scenes go by. Germans and English soldiers
trading photos of their girlfriends and wives, Soldiers
smoking together, soldiers taking a stroll through no mans
land, only to tread on a mine and go flying all over the
place, everyone turns and laughs when this happens. And
finally the great soccer match of 1914. A German is nodding
at Drew, smiling, but not understanding his complaints.
DREW
You expect us to play the noble
game with a frozen Christmas
pudding?
(a beat)
Just as well I don't have trench
foot. Yet.
And it goes on. Another montage as people try to play soccer
with a Christmas pudding. People are just hurting their feet
since it's rock hard. A German has pulled Drew aside.
DREW
What do you mean, "offside?" Who
died and made you the ref?
The German points to a smoking crater with a pair of burning
boots.
DREW
Okay, fair point.
Later, Drew has the pudding and is dribbling past the German
defence. Suddenly someone shouts a warning and Drew is
knocked over by RYMER - complete with dodgy O'rish accent.
The pudding continues on by itself, hitting a mine and
exploding.
RYMER
Yer alright laddie?
DREW
Yeah, thanks sergeant. I owe you
one. In fact, I owe you my life.
RYMER
Ahh, ye'll pay me back someday,
lad.
Explosions start up all over the place. Someone's started a
shelling attack. The party's over, both sides run for their
respective trenches and break out machine guns trying to kill
the men they were only socialising with minutes ago.
DREW
I just know this is going to go
down in history as one of the most
ironic moments ever.
GERMAN SOLDIER
Ja, tell me about it.
DREW
I think your in the wrong trench
system.
GERMAN SOLDIER
Nein, chew are, mein friend.
DREW
Oh, sheitzen.
The present - LIAM has just walked into the room where
PROFESSOR ARTURO is at the front desk of UPPDA CREEK.
ARTURO
Ah, Liam my boy, how goes things?
You look a little flushed?
LIAM
It's my plumbing again professor, I
was going to take a du-
ARTURO
Liam, I don't need details, if I
want to listen to tales about bowel
movements, I'd stay in my apartment
and listen to Triumph.
(he gets very nasty)
That's all he ever does you know,
pooped on this, pooped on that,
pooped on something after he'd only
ate five minutes ago.
LIAM
Uh huh, about my plumbing.
ARTURO
Oh yes, do go on, my boy, sorry.
(goes back to darkness)
God, that must have stunk, I mean
he'd only just ate the meal a few
minutes ago. That must have really
stunk coming out. I bet it hurt,
burned him to th-
LIAM
Professor?
ARTURO
How come he never gets hem aroids?
What?
(a beat as he collects
himself)
Sorry, I was off again, wasn't I?
LIAM
Yeah, it's almost as if your really
sick of him.
ARTURO
Yes, well hearing about the
digestive process of a talking
canine, is not my idea of fun.
Nor is it a topic of any particular
interest to me. I don't know why I
allowed him to be my room mate.
Especially since I own this place
now, it's not like I actually need
him.
(a beat)
well, the money IS nice, I must
admit that.
LIAM
You know, Mr Hilter did have a no
dogs rule when he was here.
ARTURO
He did?
LIAM
Yeah, one time, I was trying to run
a dog sitting business here, he
went ballistic. That's how I met
Triumph in the first place.
ARTURO
Did you? So, does Triumph know this
rule?
LIAM
Oh yeah, Mr Hilter made it very
clear to him, that's why they
didn't get on. Hate, hate
relationship. Least the feeling was
mutual.
ARTURO
(getting dark again)
He knew? That means he's been
playing me for a sap all this time.
(a beat)
so why did this Mr Hilter allow
Thad to stay here then?
LIAM
Er, I - look, professor, my toilet
problems?
ARTURO
Use a potty.
LIAM
I think it may have had something
to do with Triumph.
ARTURO
Don't tell me he… pooped on it
while the seat was still down?
LIAM
Oh no, he actually pooped inside
it.
ARTURO
So what's the problem?
LIAM
He didn't flush.
ARTURO
SO PULL THE DAMN CHAIN YOU
BLISTERING IDIOT!
LIAM
Chain? We have levers.
ARTURO
Just an old expression where I come
from. We haven't used chains since
the seventies. Kids used to steal
them from the public toilets and
try to use them to make nunchucks
and emulate Bruce Lee. Of course,
they always ended up giving
themselves concussions. But anyhow,
you were saying?
LIAM
I tired, and well, it's blocked
pretty bad. I need some help there.
Chocolate Treat is trying her best,
but-
INT. LIAM'S BATHROOM - CHOCOLATE TREAT wearing an apron and
holding her nose is trying gingerly to stick the toilet brush
in the overflowing toilet bowl.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
The things I do for that man.
INT. OFFICE - as before.
LIAM
Makes you wonder what Conan O'Brian
feeds him on.
ARTURO
Hmm, possibly the same thing Satan
feeds Scrappy Doo on. I wonder what
he's doing right now?
INT. HELL'S THRONE ROOM - SATAN sits in his throne, a demon
is giving him a manicure. KATHY HILTER approaches him.
KATHY
Oh mighty one, the cast of Lexx
wants to know if they could have
some decent guest stars from a long
running major sci fi series?
Satan pulls out a rather raggy and long scroll, opens it up,
puts on some reading glasses and looks over the list.
SATAN
Hmm, Craig Charles and Hattie
Hayridge are the best I can do for
them.
KATHY
Them?
DEMON
Again?
KATHY
Could you at least make Mr Charles
alter his voice a little? A scouser
accent belonging to a character
whose supposed to be married to a
Canadian, with a Canadian daughter,
somehow stretches credibility a
bit.
SATAN
So did the marriage of Lennon to
Yoko, but who really cares? Wish
granted.
(a pause)
What news be there of the real
world?
KATHY
Well, I was watching VH1, MTV's not
really my cup of te-
SATAN
Not the television show. You know,
that simpleton Liam Smith.
(a beat)
Any word on that vampire friend of
his?
KATHY
No, but we have managed to get our
agent into his base.
DEMON
But didn't Scrappy Doo get into his
base as well?
SATAN
No, that was his home. Mr
Fangtastic has countermeasures in
place to stop us finding his secret
base. Strange that he would let us
get into his home so easily though.
Anyhow, now, we have an agent on
the inside, someone he trusts. And
now, that we have that, it's just a
matter of time before we find out
what he's doing since his escape.
(a beat)
What are you up to Fangtastic?
MUSCIAL STING
FADE OUT
--------------------------------------------------------------
THEME SONG to Robbie Williams "Eternity"
Close your eyes so you don't read this,
They don't need to hear you laugh.
I can't promise you will laugh though,
But if you read it, I have trrrrrried.
Read this silly guest written script,
It all wrote up and in your mail, It's true.
Someone said it'll most likely suck,
But I believe with out a doubt, it won't.
You were there for sudden giggles,
I hope you got what you need,
And I hope you find some humour,
For what it's worth, for what's worth.
OLÉ!
--------------------------------------------------------------
THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
STARING
Dian Bachar as "Liam Smith"
John Rhys Davis as "Professor Arturo"
Robert Floyd as "Bippo the clown"
Seann William Scott as "Thad Coffey"
GUEST STARING
Ru Paul as "Chocolate Treat"
David Hopper as "Drew Fangtastic"
SPECIAL GUEST STARS
David Peckinpah as "Satan"
Ben Affleck as "Rymer"
Eliza Dushka as "Anna"
AND SPECIAL VOCAL APPERANCES BY
Christopher Lee as the voice of "Death"
EXT. GRAVEYARD - the Tomb of Libearche, night time. DREW,
RYMER and ANNA are entering the tomb, Anna does not look
happy.
ANNA
That poor werewolf, why did you
have to do that to him?
RYMER
Oh come on, it's not like he didn't
deserve it. He ate a good friend of
Drew's, didn't he?
DREW
He didn't eat my friend, he hadn't
been born then. But he's one of
them, and I won't rest until he's
(a beat)
Neutered.
ANNA
That's a pretty shallow reason to
torture him.
DREW
(sounding Jewish)
Hey, I'm a pretty shallow guy.
RYMER
Fair enough, yet another idea from
the ministry of fuzzy logic.
ANNA
Drew, has anyone ever told you,
your weird?
DREW
Yes, thank you. Weird's my middle
name.
ANNA
Speaking of names, is your name
really Fangtastic?
DREW
It is now.
ANNA
You changed it?
DREW
Every great vampire changes their
name, get a rep, live by the rep
you get. And a good name is
essential for a good rep.
RYMER
He went around calling himself
"Kirk" during the late sixties and
early seventies for some strange
reason that is totally beyond me.
Anna sniggers to herself.
RYMER
Meanwhile, I just stuck to my real
name.
DREW
And you wonder why you've never
became a great vampire. Look at me,
in the vampire world, I'm known as
the man responsible for kicking
Lestat in the happy sack and
drawing a false moustache on his
face.
RYMER
Something he's promised to repay in
kind, wearing a spiky boot with a
retractable blade on the end.
DREW
Yeah, I'd just love to see him try
THAT now!
Drew breaks down laughing to himself for a little while.
DREW
Anyhow, my best achievement has to
be getting out of hell. Name one
other vampire whose done that?
RYMER
Actually, I can name three others,
but one of them doesn't count since
she came back human- but the latest
was seen in a specialist shoe shop
recently.
ANNA
I thought we were discussing what
you did to Thad? How did we end up
trying to stroke your ego?
DREW
Speaking of stroking -
(he catches the look in
her eyes)
No, forget it.
Rymer's eyes light up here, Anna catches that while Drew
turns his back in shame, unaware of the looks on either of
his friends faces.
ANNA
I still think that was cruel what
you did to him.
DREW
Just getting him back for putting
garlic in my underwear.
ANNA
That was months ago.
DREW
Vampires never forget.
ANNA
That's Elephants. Besides he did
help save your life recently.
RYMER
Whatever, anyhow it's late-
ANNA
It's six in the morning.
RYMER
Okay, it's early. I'm off to my
crypt.
DREW
Beats me why you insist on sleeping
in a coffin, it's not like we
really need to be sleeping in those
things. That's way too
melodramatic. You mays well have a
huge sign on your back saying, "I'm
a vampire, stake me right here."
And an arrow pointing at your
heart.
Drew moves off, on his back is a note saying "I'm a vampire,
stake me right here." Anna shoots a look at Rymer and they
both start sniggering. Drew looks round, puzzled.
ANNA
That reminds me, how did you get a
four poster bed in here anyhow? And
how come I can't have a bed?
DREW
I've offered to make a space for
you in mine.
ANNA
I'm not sharing a bed with anyone
till I'm married.
DREW
You don't have to share for long.
RYMER
All of two minutes will do him.
By now the group have left the main entrance to the tomb and
are in the crypt. THAD COFFEY is standing in there, over the
coffin, halfway through opening the lid with a stake nearby
him. Rymer screams as he sees Thad and jumps up into Anna's
arms.
RYMER
What are you doing to my coffin?
THAD
Why did you have to coat the handle
to my car door in silver?
Thad holds up his bandaged hands.
ANNA
I told you it was cruel.
DREW
So was nearly burning my balls off.
THAD
What?
DREW
The garlic in my underwear? At
first I thought it was a rather
terminal case of herpes-
ANNA
EWE!
DREW
Then I remembered I haven't had a
sniff of a shag since 1973. But
anyhow, I'm not going to waste my
breath asking you what your doing
here.
THAD
Why?
DREW
I don't breath. I'm just going to
kick you out.
THAD
In all this sunshine?
DREW
(in a bad wolverine
impression)
I heal fast.
THAD
Really? Do you have metals claws
popping outta the back of your
hands?
DREW
GET OUT!
THAD
Yes, my master.
Thad leaves, arms slumped at his sides ala Reinfield. Rymer
looks confused at Drew.
RYMER
Why not kill him? It'd be a lot
easier.
DREW
Too easy. This way it's more fun.
Besides, I think it's handy having
a werewolf around town. That way
we've got someone else to blame for
all the mutilations. There's us,
that other gang of vampires
operating that casino, Thad, those
other werewolves working for Dorris
that just can't help but have a
handy, child sized snack at those
play parks their building, and
those two weirdoes that work in
that cut price green grocers and
the meat wagon that sells very
strange looking cuts of beef.
ANNA
I think my dad bought some meat
form them once, about a year ago.
DREW
What did it taste like?
ANNA
Chicken, and that was on the way
down and back up.
Drew walks over to a wall with a blatantly false section to
it, and pushes on a brick. The false part of the wall opens
up to reveal a landing with a spiral staircase going down, an
elevator and a fireman's pole. They all start walking down
the stairs. Drew looks around with a "this isn't good enough"
look. The false wall slams shut.
DREW
Hmm, gonna have to up the security
in here. Security cameras, maybe a
few machine guns, or even poisonous
gas sprays.
RYMER
Oh please, your off into the realms
of fantasy, again.
INT UPPA DA CREEK - a corridor. BIPPO and Liam are walking
towards Liam's apartment.
BIPPO
You ever visited that cut price
green grocers? I can't place the
accents on the guys that run it.
LIAM
I was talking to them earlier.
Their both English like the
professor-
BIPPO
The Professor is English? I'd have
never thought he was. I knew he was
uptight, rude, arrogant, self
centred, but English? I'm kidding
Liam, I'm kidding. So, what do you
think of them?
LIAM
Well, the first one, Richie, is
pretty fat actually. Greasy hair,
big nose, for some reason his
underwear seems to be in a
permanent wedgie - and he doesn't
seem to mind.
BIPPO
Uh huh…
LIAM
He's also pretty full of himself.
Kept going on how about rich he
was, and how better he was then
anyone else. And how much sex he
had on a regular basis.
BIPPO
He's sounds pretty frank.
LIAM
And then his friend, Eddie hit him
and told him to stop lying.
BIPPO
Oh, so Richies really is full of
himself? Did he say anything back?
LIAM
Well, it's pretty hard to reply to
an insult like that when you've
just been hit on the head with a
table.
BIPPO
A TABLE?
LIAM
Yeah, the professor wasn't too
happy about it either. This was the
table in the lobby with all his
notes on it.
BIPPO
They were in here?
LIAM
Yeah, they were trying to get a
room, but when the professor told
them we were full, they started
getting angry and they started
yelling at each other. So Eddie hit
Richie with the table
BIPPO
That things never been moved, ever.
Harry told me you'd need a forklift
truck to move it. Drew can barely
move it. Tempus had to use his suit
to move it to let the Professor
check the floorboards there.
LIAM
Drew tried to push it with his
foot, and gave up after it barely
budged. I don't think he was really
trying. Like he's holding back on
something. But these guys? They
seem to have an almost superhuman
recovery rate. Richie stuck a pen
in Eddies eye and after he stopped
screaming, Eddie pulled it out and
stuck it-
(a beat)
Somewhere even more painful.
Liam motions crotch wards, Bippo whinces. At the same time,
Thad walks past them still in a trance.
LIAM
Thad? What ya doing? Where you been
all morning? I need you to unblock
my toilet. Thad? Thad?
Thad walks past them without batting an eyelid.
BIPPO
Guess he's been to Drew's again.
LIAM
I wish they'd could both grow up
and stop this petty little
squabble, especially since Thad
saved Drew's life. Or un life, or
afterlife or whatever you call it.
BIPPO
But it's so much fun to see them go
at it.
LIAM
But their fighting each other only
because of some strange and frankly
stupid quassi religious beliefs.
BIPPO
But that's how all the best wars
start. Look at the war we're in
now.
(a beat)
Actually it's more because Drew
likes fighting and Thad's getting
seriously pissed off at him, I
think they like each other
secretly.
(a beat)
Not that way though.
LIAM
I notice you spend a lot of time
with him, and Thad said Drew said
that Thad pisses him off. Has Drew
ever told you why?
BIPPO
Brace yourself Liam, for a tale
that nearly killed me.
FLASHBACK: 1917 British Trenches. A small group of American
soldiers are relieving a group of very tired looking British
soldiers. Their lead by MAJOR THAD COFFEE, a direct ancestor
of Thad, possibly, since they look identical.
THAD
Don't look so glum, boys, we're
here to save the day.
ENGLISH SOLDIER
Sure, sure you are.
THAD
It'll all be over by Christmas.
The Brits all look at him, if looks could kill… Thad would
look like a Texas Chainsaw Massacre victim.
THAD
What's the matter boys? A few years
of war take all the fun out of ya?
DREW
Do we have to take this from this
wanker?
THAD
What's a wanker?
RYMER
Ye dinnae want ta knaw, sir.
THAD
Hey' what's this Scotch guy doing
here?
RYMER
I'm Irish, ya pilock, and there's
no such thing as a Scotch man, it's
SCOT's man.
THAD
Whatever, the only person I want to
see in a skirt is my wife.
DREW
Could I see her without her skirt
on?
Thad pounces on Drew, pointing a gun at his head. The
situation is so tense now, someone breathing the wrong way
could end up being shot.
THAD
What did you say?
DREW
I said, "could I see her without
her skirt on?"
THAD
That's what I thought you said, but
how come you haven't tried to
weasel out of it?
DREW
I was raised to be honest to
idiots.
THAD
Why you-
DREW
Go on, shoot, wouldn't be the first
case of Americans shooting their
allies.
THAD
We come along to save your asses,
and this is the respect we get?
DREW
Save us? Respect? The Germans
supply situation is so bad right
now, if they last another couple of
years I'd be surprised. You've just
came in at the last minute to hog
as much glory as you can.
A general murmur of agreement from the Brits, Thad can't
believe this.
THAD
Well, it's just as well I need a
man to lay some more wire in no
mans land.
(a beat as Thad and Drew
go eye to eye)
It's this or a bullet.
EXT. Trenches, no man land - Drew is crawling around trying
to lay barbed wire. Suddenly shelling starts.
FLASH FORWARD. INT. UPPDA CREEK - Bippo is just about
finished.
BIPPO
And from there it was a short trip
to falling through a hole and
meeting up with a vampire.
(he looks around)
Liam? Liam?
Liam is busy tying a rope to his neck and a light fitting,
Bippo looks up at him.
BIPPO
So it's not just me that story had
that effect on, eh?
LIAM
Eh? Oh, you stopped.
(a beat)
Hang on, what am I doing?
BIPPO
I was wondering the same thing,
that knot is not going to hold even
your weight, bud.
LIAM
I was working on pure instinct
there.
(a beat)
So, Drew hates Thad, because he's
descendant of a man who sent him to
his death?
BIPPO
Or rebirth, or undeath, or after
life, or-
LIAM
I get the picture, Bippo. So that's
why Drew hates him. Okay, logged,
filed, no need to ask anyone about
it again.
WHAM
Liam and Bippo look around to see
Thad trying to walk into his
apartment, with the door closed.
ARTURO approaches him. Thad
continually bashes himself into the
door as Arturo talks to him.
ARTURO
Ah, Thad my boy, I need your help
as my handyman.
THAD
Handyman…
ARTURO
Mr Smith's toilet is, erm, blocked.
And I need you to unblock it.
THAD
Unblock it…
ARTURO
There's a good lad, go off to your
handyman closet, get your plunger,
rubber gloves and some paper towels
to clean up the, er mess.
THAD
Mess…
ARTURO
Well, I don't think it's much, but
Chocolate Treat is there and she
can fill you in, er, inform you of
things there.
THAD
Fill me in…
ARTURO
Oh and Thad, after you've dealt
with that, go and have someone look
at that nasty lump you've got
growing up there. Can't have my
handyman looking battered and
bruised or people will wonder what
kind of operation I'm running here.
Oh, and try not to get yourself
killed, if possible, eh?
Arturo strolls off whistling, Thad keeps bumping his head
into the door a few more times, then wanders off towards
Liam's apartment. Liam and Bippo exchange worried looks.
INT. LIAMS APARTMENT - Thad still in a trance, wanders into
the bathroom where Chocolate Treat is still tenderly pushing
a plunger into the bowl.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Oh, Thad, thank goodness, I need a
strong manly man to deal with this,
but Tempus isn't here, and even
though your pretty hairy at times
and I don't like that, you'll have
to do instead.
THAD
Instead…
CHOCOLATE TREAT
You okay, hon? Your looking kinda,
vague. Well more vague then normal.
THAD
Normal…
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Oh, your not upset again about
being a werewolf?
THAD
Werewolf…
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Oh hon, it makes you unique, and I
forgave you long ago for eating all
my friends. I've made plenty of
news ones. In my line of work I
meet all kinds of interesting
people all the time.
THAD
All the time…
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Why, just the other week I meet Al
Gore, and believe me, he is as
stiff where it counts as he is
everywhere else. But that's not
important right now, you might be a
werewolf, but you can control it
now, that's good.
THAD
Good….
CHOCOLATE TREAT
See, that's the spirit. Accentuate
the Positive.
(a beat)
Thad shouldn't you be wearing
gloves? Or using a plunger?
Thad has a hand inside the bowel and he's swirling it around.
THAD
Plunger…
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Here, hon, take mine.
Chocolate Treat hands over her plunger, which Thad takes,
looks at, then puts on his head. He pulls his hand out and
with the same hand, flushes the toilet.
THAD
The toilet is clear…
Without pausing to wash his hands he simply walks out the
door and leaves the apartment.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
If I didn't know better, I'd say
he'd been hypnotised into acting
like a clod.
THUD
THAD
(out of shot)
Thad is home.
THUD
THAD
(out of shot)
Thad is home.
EXT. GRAVEYARD - Liam, Bippo and Arturo are approaching the
tomb of Liberache. Drew is out in a fur coat with a big hat
covering his face. Of all the things to be doing, he's taking
care of the plants around his tomb.
LIAM
DREW!
DREW
Oh hi Liam, look if you wondering
about the coat, and this being the
desert and all the heat we have
here, I have no body temperature,
so it doesn't matter. I don't
sweat.
ARTURO
What have you done to Thad?
DREW
Done? Me? Come on, it's a bit much
to think because he's been
hypnotised and acting a fool that I
had anything to do with it.
LIAM
We never said what had happened to
Thad.
DREW
Er, I'm telepathic, yeah, that's
the ticket, I read your minds. New
power, developed it yesterday.
ARTURO
Oh really, then what am I thinking
about then?
DREW
Where your next meal is coming
from.
ARTURO
Oh, very funny, don't make fun of
my weight.
DREW
Err, well it's not always very
accurate. But Bippo's thinking
about that stray cat over there.
BIPPO
Stray cat? I'm there.
BIPPO goes running off after a cat he's only just seen with a
large rock.
LIAM
Say, it does work after all.
DREW
Yeah, I'm not seeing much from
yours though, you must have the big
print version.
ARTURO
Bah, telepathy my foot. Drew, is
that a fur coat?
DREW
Er, yeah.
ARTURO
A fur coat? Your wearing a fur
coat?
DREW
Er, yeah.
ARTURO
In the dessert, you choose to wear
a fur coat?
DREW
Er, yeah. No body temp, remember?
No sweat, no problem. I told you
this before hand. Weren't you
listening?
ARTURO
Sorry, when I'm in a rage at
someone I tend not to listen to the
other party until I've said my
piece.
LIAM
We'd noticed.
ARTURO
But I still can't believe your
wearing a fur coat. Is that real
fur?
DREW
Yes, genuine werewolf, not exactly
a species that anyone in their
right mind would put on the
protected list.
LIAM
Doesn't make it all right though.
Look, can you come back to Thad's
apartment? He's in a bad way, and
we had to tie him to his bed to
stop him hurting himself.
DREW
I only told him to get lost, what
is he doing? Trying to off himself?
ARTURO
He's been chasing cars.
DREW
He always does that though.
ARTUO
Not head on he doesn't.
DREW
He's got an accelerated healing
rate, a car isn't going to hurt
him. Much.
(a beat)
Okay, that's an outright lie, it
WOULD hurt him, a lot, he just
wouldn't be killed by one hitting
him.
LIAM
Oh come on, maybe by helping him,
you can forgive his ancestor who
sent you to your death.
ARTURO
What?
DREW
Oh Bippo told you the full tale of
my vamprication?
ARTURO
Huh?
LIAM
Yeah, I nearly hung myself while he
told it.
DREW
Hmm, weird. And that's hanged, not
hung. Meat is hung, and the only
person interested in finding out
how well hung you are is Chocolate
Treat.
LIAM
Oh come on, please? Just put him
back the way he was.
DREW
Well, at least your not asking me
to make him normal, that would be a
miracle. Come on then.
EXT. UPDA CREEK - Liam, Arturo, Bippo and Drew are just
approaching the entrance when Thad walks out in his zombie
like state.
LIAM
Thad? Get back here. What in the
hell's wrong with him?
DREW
The force has a strong influence on
the minds of the weak.
ARTURO
And let's face it, the average
person round here is anything but
strong minded.
BIPPO
Hey, I resemble that accusation.
Everyone looks at Bippo, Thad has wandered out of shot.
LIAM
Er, yeah, look, about Thad?
DREW
Oh yeah, where is that little freak
of nature?
ARTURO
He's got his pants down around his
ankles and if he's not careful,
he's going to be punched out by
that truck driver whose wheel he's
cocking his leg against.
DREW
Too late, god that guy's fat.
BIPPO
Tell me about it, I thought the
professor here was fat, but he
looks like the slimmer of the year
compared to that guy,
ARTURO
Mr DeClown, how would you like you
rent raised by a hundred dollars?
(a beat)
a month?
BIPPO
Er, I retract my statement your
honour.
the gang all still looking off screen, then they all recall
as if they've been punched by someone.
LIAM
Uh oh, Thad's just taking a massive
left hook.
(a beat)
how come he hasn't wolfed out yet?
ARTURO
I guess he must be too docile in
that state to notice a severe
physical assault.
RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIP!!!!
Thad must have wolfed out anyhow, as the man beating him
starts to scream in horror off screen.
DREW
You were saying?
LIAM
How come he's not doing anything?
ARTURO
Not that he has to, the poor man's
scarred to death.
LIAM
And Thad's just curled up asleep.
Arturo walks off screen to pick up Thad's body, pulling out a
dog leash and collar as he goes.
BIPPO
What a rip. I demand bloodshed. I
demand ribs being torn out,
cartilage torn, bones broken
irreparably, I demand unbridable,
unbelievable bloodshed and mayhem.
DREW
Give me five minutes, I'll get
James to do you over.
BIPPO
(suggestive)
Could you get Anna to do me over
instead?
DREW
She's only eighteen, Bippo, just a
little young for you.
BIPPO
You're a hundred and five, just a
little hypocritical since she's
your girl? She could be your great
granddaughter for all you know.
DREW
I never had any children when I was
human, so she can't be. She could
be Rymer's for all I know, he did
have a family before hand.
BIPPO
Did you ever make a deposit in a
sperm bank?
DREW
We didn't have them in 1917, Bip,
come on, show some sense of, of,
of… Something.
LIAM
Something?
DREW
Yeah, something. You know,
something, that word you use when
you can't think of something to say
when you need to say… something.
Arturo comes back on, pulling the still docile but awake Thad
along by the collar via the lead.
DREW
This is pretty weird, I've never
heard of a case of a vampire's
hypnotic powers doing this to
anyone. But then again, this is
Thad we're talking about here.
LIAM
Where did you get the collar and
lead professor?
ARTURO
Oh, a memento from a previous slide
where we brought a canine along.
Arturo drags Thad along a bit more then stops in the doorway
and burps loudly.
ARTURO
*BURP* Hen *BURP* ry *BURP* the
*BURP* Dog!
Everyone else stops and looks at the blushing professor in
confusion.
DREW
That's nothing, I can burp and say
bollo-
ARTURO
LET'S just get in now, shall we?
INT. THAD'S APARTMENT - as before the gang is sitting around
the werewolf, whose curled up, snoring in front of an
electric fire, with a torn up blanket and a badly devoured
bone nearby it. Drew takes his jacket off and puts it on a
table, he's wearing a sleeveless t-shirt.
LIAM
I really don't want to know what
kind of bone that is.
DREW
It's the part of a human thigh bone
that connects to the hip.
LIAM
I SAID I DIDN'T WANT TO KNOW THAT!
(a beat)
How'd you know that anyhow?
DREW
(laughing)
I don't.
ARTURO
Enough of this. Drew, cure Thad.
DREW
What, while he's asleep? If I wake
him who knows what might happen, he
might go for me.
ARTURO
I could live with that.
DREW
Then the quality of conversation
around will have gone down hill,
again.
ARTURO
I could live with that.
BIPPO
Anyone got any oil I can use to
lube up my chainsaw?
LIAM
Anyone ever thought why the sky is
blue?
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Anyone got a pack of six?
LIAM
Booze or rubbers?
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Oh, don't be silly Liam, hon, if I
wanted booze, I'd have said a six
pack. By the way, do you have a six
pack on that stomach of yours? If
not I have the perfect exercise
program to give you one.
LIAM
To give me a six pack? Toned muscle
on my tummy?
CHOCOLATE TREAT
No, I just want to give you one.
Liam doesn't know the phrase. Drew whispers into Liam's ear.
Liam hides behind Drew.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
It counts as exercise, do you know
how many calories you burn off?
ARTURO
I see what you mean, Drew. Ideas
people, how are going to wake up
the werewolf?
BIPPO
We could put a firecracker up it's
ass.
LIAM
We could steal it's bone and
blanket.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
We could use a high pitch whistle
to wake him up.
ARTURO
No, no, n- hang on that last one
might work.
DREW
He still might wake up mad.
ARTURO
It's our best idea so far. Bippo's
idea could kill him-
DREW
That's okay with me.
ARTURO
Liam's wouldn't have any effect.
DREW
Again, alright with me.
ARTURO
So Chocolate Treat has had the best
idea so far, we'll do that.
DREW
Anyone got a high pitched whistle?
Everyone looks around at each other. They check their own
pockets and even check each others. No one looks like they
have one.
LIAM
Bippo, I don't keep anything in
that pocket, there's a hole in it
and AHH!
(high voice)
get your hand out of there.
BIPPO
Sorry buddy, did I squeeze too
tightly?
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Oh, now why didn't I think of that?
ARTURO
ENOUGH! It's obvious we don't have
a whistle, unless we can get the
right pitch by manipulating Liam's…
manhood. Not something I want to
do.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
I'll do it.
BIPPO
I've a better idea.
Bippo stabs Drew up the butt with a penknife, the resulting
high pitched scream smashes all the windows in the building
and wakes up the werewolf. The wolf looks around, peeved, and
it's eyes lock with Drew's, who by now is all vamped up
thanks to the shock. The Wolf jumps Drew and the two careen
out a window onto the street below. The chase music from the
Benny Hill show starts up as Drew is chased by a psychotic
Thad/werewolf.
ARTURO
Ouch, just as well for Drew it's
midnight now.
BIPPO
You think Drew will manage to calm
Thad down long enough to
dehypnotise him?
ARTURO
Oh, I think he's out of his trance
already. He clearly recognises
Drew, look at the way he's waging
his tail and barking at him.
They all look out the window.
EXT. THE VEGAS STRIP - Drew knocks two people over as he
rushes away from Thad. The people get up and join up with
Thad. Drew knocks over a women with a pram who joins the
fray. Drew knocks a group of pensioners over into a fountain
who chase after him with their Zimmer frames and walking
sticks waving in the air. Drew knocks over Seigfried and Roy
and a couple of their white tigers who also give chase. Drew
and his hunters run past officer Piggy who barely looks up as
he eats a doughnut.
DREW
DOWN THAD, DOWN! OFFICER! HELP ME!
PIGGY
Kids.
Drew rushes further ahead of the crowd, turns and looks at
them, jumps in shock, and dashes off at an even higher speed,
snapping his fingers as he goes. Thad and the tigers are at
the head of the crowd.
DREW
WAKE UP! THAD WAKE UP! Why isn't
this working?
THAD/WEREWOLF
Because I'm already awake, that's
why.
(to tiger)
Hey, quit trying to sniff my butt.
DREW
YIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE! NICE DOGGY!
INT. THAD'S APARTMENT - the gang watching all this with
telescopes and binoculars.
BIPPO
I never get tired of this town. I
could live here forever and ever
and never get bored.
ARTURO
Remind me to bill Drew for the
windows if he survives this.
LIAM
I think I've learned a lesson
today.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
What's that honey?
LIAM
Let sleeping dogs lie.
ARTURO
Mr Smith, if I wasn't so damned
tired right now, I'd be chasing you
myself for that pathetic joke. But
like I said, I'm tired, so I'll
hire Bippo to do it for me.
Bippo revs his chainsaw, Liam takes off, Bippo chases after
him, waving his chainsaw wildly, and the Benny Hill show
chase music starts up again.