THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
Episode 3.35 - "The Calm Before"
Written by Jason Donner
1 EXT. THE JUSTICE SQUAD MOON WATCHTOWER 1
Establishing shot.
2 INT. THE JUSTICE SQUAD MOON WATCHTOWER: MONITOR ROOM 2
Hundreds of television screens are tuned in to hundreds of
channels. We see CNN, MSNBC, FOX News, ABC News, Comedy
Central, VH-1, MTV, Galavision, Lifetime, PAX, BBC, and
Jigglevision. The camera pans over to CAPEMAN sitting is a
chair watching all of them and brooding. ULTRAWOMAN enters.
ULTRAWOMAN
There you are! I've been paging
you for an hour! I...
She sees him.
ULTRAWOMAN
Is something wrong?
(she gets it)
Oh God... It's time, isn't it?
Capeman nods.
CAPEMAN
Yes... It's all about to come
together... Or fall apart, whatever
you want to call it.
ULTRAWOMAN
But, it's too soon! I mean, I just
learned about Worldkiller and what
happened to you and... Jesus,
Capeman, I haven't had enough time
to come up with any new plans or...
CAPEMAN
The old plans will work just fine.
Capeman stands and offers her his hand.
CAPEMAN
Walk with me.
Ultrawoman takes his hand and the two walk out.
3 INT. A CORRIDOR 3
Capeman and Ultrawoman walk down the corridor.
ULTRAWOMAN
You know, you still haven't
apologized to Captain Spaz about
that whole Clown Clone debacle.
CAPEMAN
I'm sorry, but I just can't. The
team needs to be strong in the days
ahead and we can't have that with
that lump of dead weight on board.
ULTRAWOMAN
He's never failed us in the past.
CAPEMAN
Right, and how many times have you
had to pluck his useless ass out of
the fire?
ULTRAWOMAN
Point taken, but he's a member of
the squad. Useless in your eyes or
not, he does his part.
CAPEMAN
(reluctant)
All right.
ULTRAWOMAN
And it wouldn't hurt you to make
peace with him... You know...
Before...
(a beat)
He thinks very highly of you.
CAPEMAN
He does not.
ULTRAWOMAN
We all do. You did some pretty
rotten things before you turned
over a new leaf... You've won all
of our respect. Even Captain Spaz
who you belittle on a daily basis.
Capeman considers this.
CAPEMAN
All right. I'll make the effort.
ULTRAWOMAN
That's all I ask.
CAPEMAN
I've got to get back to planet
side. There's a few things I want
to do... You know, before...
ULTRAWOMAN
I understand.
Capeman walks off. Ultrawoman stands there in the dark for
several beats watching him go.
4 INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT 4
Liam is sitting on the couch watching TV.
TV
You're watching a 24 hour Kari
Wuhrer jiggle-thon on Jigglevision!
Coming up next, it's Kari's
superhero debut. After the failed
Bootygirl movie, Kari made a
comeback to the comics-turned-movie
genre with the smash hit, XXX Men!
LIAM
(watches)
Wow, those girls really ARE
mutated!
The telephone rings. He answers it.
LIAM
KSUX is my favorite radio station
with continuous classics and fun!
VOICE
(over phone)
Liam, this is Kari Wuhrer.
LIAM
(sarcastic)
Suuuuuuuuuuuure it is.
VOICE
(over phone)
Liam, this is very important. I
was thinking about what happened
earlier this year between us and I
never got a chance to thank-
LIAM
Thad, is that you? You know, that
girly voice of yours was fun when
we were screwing around with that
truck driver over the CB radio, but
now it's just sick. You do that
voice a little *too* well if you
catch my drift.
VOICE
(over phone)
Liam, I really want to meet with
you.
LIAM
Oh sure, "Kari", when?
VOICE
(over phone)
I'll send you some plane tickets to
come to Hollywood where I'm
shooting a submarine drama, Das
Booty.
LIAM
HA! Kari's shooting a submarine
drama called The Hunt for Miss
October!
VOICE
(over phone)
We changed it. Please come!
LIAM
Sure... WHAT-ever.
Liam hangs up.
LIAM
Tuh! It didn't even SOUND like
Kari Wuhrer!
5 INT. A MOVIE SET 5
KARI WUHRER hangs up a phone and walks away.
--------------------------------------------------------------
THEME SONG (Sung to the theme of "The Jeffersons"
Well, you better perk up!
(Better perk up!)
'Cause it's time!
(Better perk up!)
For the internet show that's one of a...
Drew Fangtastic walks by and, with a flick of his wrist,
severs the singer's jugular vein. The singer falls to the
ground dead as the backup singers run away screaming.
DREW
Bloody olé already!
FADE OUT:
--------------------------------------------------------------
THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
Starring
Dian Bachar
as
"Liam Smith"
John Rhys-Davies
as
"Professor Arturo"
Seann William Scott
as
"Thad Coffey"
and
Robert Floyd
as
"Bippo the Clown"
Also Starring
Neil Patrick Harris
as
"Gary the Fanboy"
Cameron Diaz
as
"Stacy VaVoom"
Gary Dordan
as
"Tempus"
RuPaul
as
"Chocolate Treat"
Reese Whitherspoon
as
"Kathy Hilter"
David Peckinpah
as
"Satan"
Marina Sirtis
as
"Senestra Malevolous"
Scrappy Doo
and
Best in Show Winner Jason Donner
as
"Donner"
Special Guest Stars
Anthony Hopkins
as
"Shackelford"
William Shatner
as
"William Shatner"
and
Kari Wuhrer
Wardrobe for today's show furnished by the closing sale at K-Mart.
FADE IN:
6 INT. GARY'S APARTMENT 6
Gary enters with a sack full of what looks like groceries,
but as soon as he starts unpacking them, we see that it's
actually a couple of dozen "Dragonball Z" action figures. He
looks up from the action figures and reacts in shock and
horror.
GARY
RODDENBERRY'S GHOST!!!
Gary drops all of his action figures as the camera pans over
to reveal a glowing orb of light in the middle of the room.
Gary creeps a little closer to investigate.
GARY
Wow! It's like a Pagh Wraith or an
Orb of Bajor! Maybe if I touch it,
it will give me insight or whisk me
back in time on a magical
adventure! Coolness!
Gary reaches out and touches the orb. There is a surge of
energy and Gary flies backwards into the wall destroying a
partially completed plastic model of a Cylon Raider.
GARY
Sum'bitch! That was totally
jerkin! I gotta tell the guys
about this!
7 INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT 7
LIAM, THAD, BIPPO, DONNER, and ARTURO are talking.
LIAM
...and then, she said she wanted to
meet me and was sending plane
tickets. All right, guys. Fess
up. Who was it?
THAD
It wasn't me, man! I learned my
lesson last time I used my girly
voice on the CB with that truck
driver! I was pulling rusty nails
out of my skull for a month!
BIPPO
I can't crank call anymore. Not
since that Sidney bitch finked me
out to the cops. Ask a simple
question about a favorite scary
movie and, next thing you know,
it's back to prison!
Everyone looks at Bippo.
THAD
Bippo, that was uh... Scream.
BIPPO
Man, it sure was.
Rimshot.
DONNER
Well, don't look at me! I've got
better things to do than to torment
you. I've been on the phone three
days straight with lawyers trying
to get DonCo out of hock.
Liam looks at Arturo.
ARTURO
You can't possibly be thinking that
I'M the one that called you! It's
so beneath me.
LIAM
Well, if it wasn't you guys, then
who? Stacy? Chocolate Treat?
Drew?
BIPPO
Does Drew have a girly voice?
THAD
Whack him in the jimmy with a
crucifix and he does. The real
question is, does Chocolate Treat
have a girly voice?
GARY barges in.
GARY
Guys, it's the coolest thing!
You've got to come and see!
ARTURO
This had better not be another
Attack of the Clones commercial
you've taped off of the TV and want
us to analyze with you frame by
frame.
GARY
Okay, we'll skip that part. But
there is an even cooler thing I
want to show you! Come on!
Gary runs out. Liam, Bippo, Thad, Arturo, and Donner watch
him go and then go back to their conversation.
DONNER
Maybe it's Senestra Malevolous who
called you. She does have a Kari
Wuhrer quality to her voice.
Gary stomps back in.
GARY
Are you guys going to come see or
not?
LIAM
No. We just told you we would so
you'd leave the room.
GARY
WHAT!?
THAD
Eh, get out of here you little
bitch!
GARY
But...
BIPPO
Shut up, you little bitch! Go
away!
GARY
I just...
LIAM
Gary, quit being a little bitch and
leave us alone!
GARY
If you guys call me "little bitch"
about twenty or thirty more times,
I SWEAR I'm never speaking to you
again!
Stacy enters.
STACY
What are you guys arguing about?
GARY
(whining)
Stacy, I was trying to get them to
look at something but they made fun
of me and...
STACY
Oh, stop whining you little bitch
and be a man! Now, what's all this
about?
DONNER
Gary wants us to look at something
but we don't want to and now the
little bitch won't go away.
GARY
Stop calling me "little bitch!"
STACY
So, if you guys want to placate
this little bitch-
GARY
DAMMIT!
STACY
-go see what he wants and then
maybe he'll leave you alone.
LIAM
All right.
THAD
Yeah, let's go see what the little
bitch wants.
They file out the door.
GARY
I'm warning you, Thad! DON'T CALL
ME LITTLE BITCH!
There is a low growl from off camera. Gary jumps.
GARY
Sorry!
8 INT. GARY'S APARTMENT 8
Liam, Arturo, Thad, Bippo, Stacy, Donner, and Gary enters.
DONNER
God, this whole room reeks of BO,
testers glue, noxema, model paint,
sour cream and onion, and little
bitchy-ness!
GARY
Stop CALLING ME LITTLE BITCH!
STACY
All right, Gary, what's the big
deal? Where's this amazing thing
you want to show us?
GARY
It's in my...
STACY
If you say "pants", that
quote/unquote amazing thing won't
be there for long.
GARY
I'm sorry, but you know that I
still have feelings for you that I
will never be able to expunge from
my being.
STACY
Oh, Gary... That's a sentiment I
will carry near and dear to my
heart for as long as it takes for
me to finish this sentence.
BIPPO
(to Gary)
C'mon, little bitch! Where's this
thing you wanted to show us at!?
ARTURO
And if this is another boil in the
shape of Dirk Benedict's head, so
help me...
Gary points
GARY
THAT! And stop calling me little
bitch.
Everyone looks at the orb of light in the middle of the room.
BIPPO
Oh, hey! It's one of those!
LIAM
Yeah, but... What IS it?
BIPPO
You got that at Spencers Gifts,
didn't you? I like going in the
back and sticking my tongue to the
shocky electricity things. It
makes me all tingly.
Everyone gathers around it.
ARTURO
Obviously this is of some
importance, but I cannot begin to
say what.
EVERYONE
Duh.
THAD
(to Gary)
All right, little bitch, where'd
you get it?
GARY
I didn't "get" it from anywhere!
And stop calling me little bitch!
STACY
I bet it's from outer space!
LIAM
Then what's it doing here? I mean,
off all places, why in Gary the
"Little Bitch" Fanboy's apartment?
GARY
DON'T CALL ME... OOOO! This is a
like a first contact situation and
I'm Earth's ambassador!
Gary clears his throat and makes the Vulcan hand salute to
the object.
GARY
Greetings in the name of Earth! I
welcome you! Klaktu Barada NICKto!
Qua'pla! Spreken see doych? Se
habla Español?
DONNER
(aside)
The little bitch has gone off the
deep end.
GARY
(enraged)
STOP CALLING ME LITTLE BITCH,
DONNER!!!
Gary picks up a lamp and throws it at Donner as hard as he
can, but lacking any real upper body strength, it crashes
into the orb of light which explodes in a blinding white
light. Everyone covers their eyes.
VOICE
It's about damned time! I though
you guys would NEVER going to
figure out I needed a little extra
surge of energy to get out of orb
form.
Liam begins to uncover his eyes.
LIAM
Hey! I know that voice! It's...
The light fades revealing...
LIAM
HARRY THE HANDYMAN!
HARRY
I was once known as Harry the
Handyman, but I have become so much
more than Harry the Handyman ever
was. Now, you may call me... Harry
THE Handyman.
LIAM
But there's no difference.
HARRY
There's extra emphasis on THE now.
Arturo walks up with a huge grin on his face and shakes
Harry's hand.
ARTURO
Harry the Handyman, as I live and
breathe! We thought you were dead!
HARRY
Harry did die that day, professor,
but in another way... He was born.
ARTURO
What?
HARRY
One can say that... my life ended,
but that my life also began.
ARTURO
Huh?
HARRY
I was fried, but I was also sauted.
ARTURO
You've lost me.
DONNER
I think he's not only saying that
he's a retard, but he's a dipstick
as well.
HARRY
I've been living and exploring a
higher plane for the last year and
a half and have seen things that
are indescribable.
THAD
So how would you describe them?
HARRY
Bright, colorful, and pretty.
STACY
But what brings you back here now?
GARY
Oh, this is like one of those
things like in 2010 when David
Bowman came back to...
HARRY
Shut up, little bitch and listen.
I can't stay long... It took almost
all of my power to degrade myself
to your primitive state of being.
First, I had to...
ARTURO
No need to explain, my friend. I
had to degrade myself to live here
as well.
HARRY
I've come to give you all a
warning.
BIPPO
Is this about whizzing out the
window?
HARRY
No, but you shouldn't do that
either. I've come to warn you
about the devourer of souls... The
WORLDKILLER!
Music sting.
LIAM
Eh, that's old news.
HARRY
Really?
LIAM
Yeah, we've known about him for
over a year now!
HARRY
Oh.
DONNER
All that effort to get here to tell
us some stuff we already knew?
What kind of higher life-form are
you?
HARRY
The kind who knows how to beat
Worldkiller. Nyah!
Harry sticks out his tongue.
LIAM
(excited)
HOW do we beat him?
HARRY
Well, I'm not permitted to tell you
exactly how, but I AM permitted to
tell you this...
(a clears his throat)
The Worldkiller's destruction will
come down to the combined efforts
of five. The child of destiny, the
beast by night, the harlequin of
madness, the dethroned
entrepreneur, and the superhero.
BIPPO
But that could be anyone!
HARRY
I'm sorry... That's all I can say
and now, it's time for me to leave.
LIAM
Well, even if you weren't a big fat
lot of help, it was good to see you
again, Harry.
HARRY
Don't look so downtrodden, Liam.
Things are going to get a little
tough and the poop is about to hit
the fan, but something's about to
happen and I wanted to say good
bye.
LIAM
W-what's going to happen?
GARY
(anticipation)
Saaaaaay it!
Harry throws an annoyed look at Gary and mouths the words
"little bitch" before looking back at Liam and smiling.
HARRY
(whispers)
Something wonderful.
GARY
YES!
HARRY
Do you MIND!? I'm trying to have a
moment here!
GARY
Sorry. I'm a little bitch.
HARRY
You bet your ass you are.
Harry begins to fade.
HARRY
Oop! Looks like my dime is up!
Have fun, you kids!
Harry vanishes completely.
LIAM
(to empty room)
Bye Harry.
DONNER
A little late, don't you think?
Bippo picks up a purple garment from a pile.
BIPPO
Hey, what's this? A ballet
leotard?
GARY
PUT THAT DOWN!
BIPPO
Well, excuse me... Little bitch!
GARY
That's it! Everyone out!
Gary shoves everyone to the door.
DONNER
Hey, little bitch, what's the
problem!?
GARY
Strange glowing orbs of light,
clowns going through my laundry, a
visitor from a higher plane of
existence, a prophecy, and a string
of "little bitches" lobbed in my
direction are just TOO MUCH for one
day!
He slams the door.
ARTURO (O.C.)
What a little bitch.
GARY
That was close.
9 INT. HELL 9
We see Gary standing up against the door just like we last
saw him when the camera zooms back to reveal we're looking at
a big-screen TV labeled HELL-A-VISION. The camera pans over
to reveal SENESTRA MALEVOLOUS, SCRAPPY DOO, KATHY HILTER, and
the black shadowy figure, WORLDKILLER.
WORLDKILLER
The interference of the higher life
form complicates things.
SENESTRA
It will be no complication. We
plan our attack and strike in 24
hours. Kathy, you've got target 2.
KATHY HILTER
Understood.
SENESTRA
Scrappy, target 4.
SCRAPPY
I'll SPLAT 'em!
SENESTRA
Of course. I'll take care of
target 5.
SCRAPPY
What about target 1 and target 3?
SENESTRA
Those are targets the master will
deal with personally.
(to Worldkiller)
Twenty-four hours.
WORLDKILLER
I will be here. Await me then.
Worldkiller vanishes.
KATHY HILTER
He gives me the creeps.
SENESTRA
I know what you mean. Even Satan
doesn't want to be in the same room
with him anymore.
KATHY HILTER
I thought Satan wasn't afraid of
anything.
SENESTRA
He's not... Which makes me even
more curious about this whole
affair.
SCRAPPY
Yeah, "affair" being the operative
word for you.
SENESTRA
I heard that, you little bastard.
KATHY HILTER
ENOUGH! This is not the time for
petty bickering or trivial
arguments. Yeah, Senestra may have
moved up the ladder horizontally
and, yes, she may be the biggest
slut in the world and, yes, I can't
believe she's boinked the prince of
darkness and, yes, she...
SENESTRA
Your point?
KATHY HILTER
Point?
(a beat)
Oh, right. My point is, we have to
stand united if we're going to win
this battle! All of us have scores
to settle and finally, we're going
to have the last laugh!
SCRAPPY
And it doesn't matter that Senestra
lays more than carpet?
KATHY HILTER
No, nor does it matter that she
spends more time on her back than a
corpse.
SCRAPPY
...or that she's as like a
wheelchair ramp?
KATHY HILTER
Assessable to all? No, that
doesn't matter. Nor does it matter
that she's like a used bicycle.
SCRAPPY
Oh, you mean the similarity being
that everyone has had a ride?
SENESTRA
I hate you both.
10 INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT 10
Liam, Thad, Arturo, Donner, Bippo, and Stacy enter.
DONNER
Well, that was a colossal waste of
time.
ARTURO
Still, it was nice to see Harry
again and to know he's all right.
BIPPO
And that he wasn't used for any
deux ex machina crap.
LIAM
Say what?
BIPPO
What.
LIAM
What?
BIPPO
Huh?
LIAM
Do what?
BIPPO
Do what what?
LIAM
Huh?
BIPPO
What?
There is a knock at the door.
STACY
Thank GOD!
Liam opens the door. It's a delivery man.
DELIVERY MAN
Special delivery for Liam Smith!
LIAM
Can I ask you something? What
makes this delivery so special
anyway? This looks like the same
kind of delivery I usually get so
why is it called "special"?
DELIVERY MAN
It's a plane ticket to Hollywood
and a personal invitation to Kari
Wuhrer's estate, Hooter Downs.
DONNER
Uh-Oh... Check it for white powder,
Liam!
Liam takes the letter.
LIAM
Kari Wuhrer? Oh please, like I'm
going to fall for...
(he smells the letter)
For...
(he smells it again)
It's her scent! It's Kari Wuhrer's
scent!
DONNER
Really? Give me that!
Donner takes it and smells.
DONNER
It smells like baby powder, hand
lotion, and antiseptic.
LIAM
I know! That's her! I've got to
go to Hollywood! Tah-Tah, folks!
I'm off to go see some tah-tahs!
Liam tears out the door.
BIPPO
Wow. Dumber than advertised.
THAD
What would Kari Wuhrer want with
Liam?
STACY
Maybe she's finally discovered that
Liam is the one person in the world
who doesn't judge her by her looks
and she's decided that he's the one
she wants to spend the rest of her
life with?
There is a long pause, then everyone busts out laughing their
asses off.
11 INT. TEMPUS' PLACE 11
TEMPUS and CHOCOLATE TREAT are talking.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
So, you're going to be leaving
soon?
TEMPUS
Yes. The temporal juncture is
coming within 24 hours. I either
fix it and go home, or I stay here
and die with the rest of the world.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Well, I'm sorry to see you leave.
I've managed to develop a... Uh...
What do you call it?
TEMPUS
A rash?
CHOCOLATE TREAT
No, that thing where you like
someone.
TEMPUS
Friendship?
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Yeah, that's it. I've always been
stuck with quickies and
infatuations but with you, it's
different... I don't want to rip
your clothes off and pounce on you
like a cheetah... I actually want
to talk first.
(a beat)
...and THEN rip your clothes off
and pounce on you like a Cheetah.
TEMPUS
Let's keep talking then.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Oh, Tempy... When did this happen?
You and I falling for each other?
I mean, a few months back we
couldn't stand each other.
TEMPUS
I don't know, but it sort of
reminds me of Chakotay and Seven of
Nine in the last episode of
Voyager.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
But that relationship didn't make
any sense! There was no previous
indication that...
Tempus leaps forward and kisses Chocolate Treat.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
What the...!?
TEMPUS
I'm sorry! I didn't mean to offend
you, I...
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Honey, you didn't offend me... It's
just that usually I'M the one doing
the jumping.
TEMPUS
What did you think?
CHOCOLATE TREAT
(wicked grin)
So, tell me... What sort of...
(ahem)
Techniques have they developed by
the 31st century?
TEMPUS
Well, genetic enhancement for one.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
How would that help?
We hear a zipper being unzipped. Chocolate Treat looks down.
Her eyes go wide and a great big grin breaks across her face.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
I love science.
12 INT. KARI WUHRER'S ESTATE 12
Liam is wearing a tuxedo as KARI WUHRER enters from the far
side of the room.
LIAM
Kari!
Kari begins to drift across the room like an angel.
KARI WUHRER
Oh, Liam... I'm so glad you came.
LIAM
You know me! I come quicker than
any man on the planet!
(a beat)
No, wait...
KARI WUHRER
You make me laugh, Liam...
Kari stands in front of Liam.
KARI WUHRER
And now, I'm going to do what I
should have done years ago.
LIAM
Oh, goody!
KARI WUHRER
Liam, pucker up big boy!
Liam puckers up.
KARI WUHRER
And now... DIE!!!
Kari Wuhrer takes a gigantic axe out of her bra and starts
hacking into Liam like a maniac. Blood and body bits fly
everywhere.
LIAM
ARGH! ACK! EEEE! GURGLE!
KARI WUHRER
DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE!
Kari keeps chopping. More blood flies all over the place
until Kari Wuhrer looks like Sissy Spacek from "Carrie".
Finally Kari Wuhrer begins to laugh maniacally as the music
swells and the camera zooms back revealing Liam's hacked up
and bloody body.
QUICK CUT TO:
13 INT. A TAXI CAB 13
Liam jumps up from his slumber and screams.
LIAM
AHH!
Liam looks around.
LIAM
What a funny dream. Now, why would
Kari Wuhrer want to kill me?
Suddenly, a car zooms up next to the cab on the highway.
KARI WUHRER pops her head out and pulls out a bomb.
KARI WUHRER
DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE!
LIAM
AHHHHHH!!!
Kari throws the bomb into the cab which explodes in a great
big explosion.
QUICK CUT TO:
14 INT. A TAXI CAB 14
Liam jumps up from his slumber and screams.
LIAM
AHH!
Liam looks around.
LIAM
ANOTHER dream? What are the odds?
TAXI DRIVER
Hey Mac, while you was asleep I
thought I'd get me a bite to eat.
Hope you don't mind.
Liam presses his face to the window and we see that the cab
is parked in an Arby's Drive Through Window.
LIAM
ARBY'S!? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
QUICK CUT TO:
15 INT. A TAXI CAB 15
Liam jumps up in fright from his slumber.
LIAM
AHHHHHH!
(a beat)
This is getting old.
16 EXT. KARI WUHRER'S ESTATE 16
Liam is driven to the front door by a Taxi. He walks up to
the door and knocks. An elderly butler, SHAKELFORD answers.
SHAKELFORD
Can I help you?
LIAM
I'm here to see Kari.
SHAKELFORD
And are you a harmless fan or a
psycho stalker?
LIAM
If I was a psycho stalker, do you
honestly think I would tell you?
SHAKELFORD
You'd be surprised.
LIAM
I have an invitation.
Shakelford looks at it.
SHAKELFORD
Ah, you must be young master Smith.
LIAM
No, I must be young LIAM Smith.
And of course I MUST be me, who the
hell else would I be if I mustn't
be me? Well, I guess I would be
Brad Pitt... The ladies do seem to
think he's cute and Fight Club was
wicked awesome.
SHAKELFORD
(a beat)
Quite. You're just like Miss
Wuhrer said you'd be. Come, walk
this way.
Shakelford walks inside with a proper posture and tiny steps.
Liam mimics the walking style until they are inside and out
of sight. We then hear a loud SLAP.
LIAM (O.S.)
OW!
SHAKELFORD (O.S.)
It had to be done.
17 INT. KARI WUHRER'S ESTATE 17
A gigantic living room/den area with a huge fireplace
roaring. LIAM and SHAKLEFORD enter. Liam looks around.
SHAKELFORD
Miss Wuhrer will be here shortly.
Is there anything you require?
LIAM
Yeah, you can tell me why there's a
fire in that fireplace! We're in
Southern California and it's 99
degrees outside!
SHAKELFORD
That's not a fireplace, it's where
Miss Wuhrer is burning all her
excess copies of Shiny.
Liam looks down at the source of the flames and, indeed, it
is several hundred CDs.
LIAM
How odd.
SHAKELFORD
Not really. Michael Jackson is
doing the same with Blood on the
Dancefloor. And William Shatner...
LIAM
Let me guess, The Transformed Man?
SHAKELFORD
Yes... AND Star Trek V. That's his
house across the street.
Liam glances out a window and sees a mansion entirely ablaze.
WILLIAM SHATNER is running around in the front yard trying to
put his toupee out.
WILLIAM SHATNER
WHEN... will-this-movie... STOP
tormenting me... so?
Liam looks back at Shakelford.
LIAM
That seemed pointless.
SHAKELFORD
Didn't it though?
Shakelford walks off.
LIAM
Hmm...
Liam walks over to a replica of the Statue of David and leans
against it. It falls over and crashes to the floor. Liam
quickly bends over to pick it up.
LIAM
Wow, it's a good thing this didn't
break!
Liam looks. David's pee-pee is missing.
LIAM
Aw, CRAP!
Liam searches for the missing member. Finally he finds it
lying on the floor. He picks it up just as we hear a door
shut.
KARI WUHRER
What are you doing down there!?
Liam jumps up quickly putting the dismembered ding-dong in
his pocket.
LIAM
GAH! I was... Er... inspecting for
termites. Those suckers will
really ruin a nice looking wood
floor like this.
KARI WUHRER
Aw, you're sweet. It's so nice of
you to come on such short notice.
LIAM
You know me, I come faster than any
man on the planet.
(a beat)
TWICE! DAMMIT!
KARI WUHRER
What?
LIAM
Nothing.
KARI WUHRER
Well, I guess you're wondering why
I brought you here?
LIAM
As long as it doesn't involve axes
hidden down your bra, bombs, or
Arby's.
KARI WUHRER
I don't think it does. You
remember a few months back when
Jennifer Tilly was about to take
that role away from me?
LIAM
Yeah.
KARI WUHRER
Do you... Remember the picture I
left for you?
LIAM
Picture?
KARI WUHRER
The autographed picture saying
"thank you"?
LIAM
I never got a picture.
KARI WUHRER
But I slipped it under your door!
Apartment 4-G!
LIAM
That's Doris' apartment.
KARI WUHRER
The old hag? Dammit.
LIAM
Well, don't feel bad. Maybe she
appreciated the autograph.
18 INT. DORIS' APARTMENT 18
Doris hangs the picture of Kari Wuhrer on the wall. She
steps back and admires it, a gentle smile crossing her face.
Then, she takes out some darts and starts chunking them at
Kari's face.
19 INT. KARI WUHRER'S ESTATE 19
As before, Liam and Kari Wuhrer are talking.
KARI WUHRER
Well, I feel terrible... I really
wanted to thank you for making me
believe in myself again.
LIAM
You wanted to thank me?
KARI WUHRER
All the men I've ever met... And
some of the women, even, have only
been interested in one thing.
You're the only one who's ever been
different.
LIAM
Yeah, I've been interested in TWO
things.
KARI WUHRER
My heart and my soul?
LIAM
(a beat)
Okay.
KARI WUHRER
Well, that's what I wanted you here
for... I wanted to say thank you
and to apologize for calling you a
looser and a creep and a pervert
and a dillweed and a geek and a...
LIAM
Can we skip ahead a minute?
KARI WUHRER
I wanted to say I'm sorry for
treating you like trash because,
despite it all, you're the one
person I've ever met who's stood
beside me even when I was spitting
in your face and I want you to
know, that I'll never forget that.
LIAM
Cool beans! So, will you go out
with me?
KARI WUHRER
No.
LIAM
No?
KARI WUHRER
No offense, Liam. I like you, but
you're too much of a good boy for
me.
LIAM
I can do worse!
KARI WUHRER
Sorry, Liam... But you're still
kind of a innocent dweeb. Not that
I don't love you.
LIAM
BUT YOU MARRIED GARY THE FANBOY!!!!
KARI WUHRER
Yes, but he was always a dirty
little animal in bed with his...
(a beat)
Well, nevermind.
LIAM
Well, can I at least get a new
autograph? One that spells my name
right?
KARI WUHRER
Of course.
Kari pulls a picture out of a Kleenex dispenser. Another
picture pops up in its place.
KARI WUHRER
Oh, uh... Do you have a pen?
LIAM
Yeah.
Liam reaches into his pocket for a pen.
LIAM
I've got one here somewhere. Ah,
here it is.
Liam accidentally pulls out the decapitated dong. Horrified,
Liam can't move as Kari sees the stone shlong in his hand.
KARI WUHRER
Liam, is that...!?
LIAM
(weakly)
A ball point?
KARI WUHRER
Well, Liam... It looks like I was
WRONG about you!
LIAM
K-Kari... Miss Wuhrer... I can
explain!
KARI WUHRER
You're not the goody-goody dweeb I
thought you were!
LIAM
I was an acci- What?
KARI WUHRER
(seductively)
You're quite the little animal too,
aren't you?
LIAM
I am?
KARI WUHRER
Liam?
LIAM
Y-Yeah?
KARI WUHRER
I have something I want to show
you.
LIAM
The exit?
KARI WUHRER
No, the entrance.
LIAM
To what?
KARI WUHRER
Heaven.
Kari stands up and, with her back to the camera drops her
dress to the ground and stands naked in front of Liam.
LIAM
T-That's... That's very nice.
KARI WUHRER
I want you, Liam... I want you more
than any man on Earth this very
moment!
LIAM
Wow, I...
(a beat)
Oh, who am I kidding? I'm not
going to get any! I never do!
It's like it's been dictated from
some asshole from on high that I
will never ever get the girl! I'm
not going to have sex now or later!
I'm going to die a virgin and it's
time that I accepted th--
Kari Wuhrer grabs him and kisses him. They both fall
backwards out of frame and pieces of clothing fly into the
air.
20 EXT. KARI WUHRER'S ESTATE 20
The sun is going down.
LIAM (O.C.)
(falsetto)
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH,
SWEET MYSTERY OF LIFE AT LAST I'VE
FOUND YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!
AT LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAST I
KNOW THE SECRET OF IT AAAAAAAAAALL!
21 INT. HELL 21
Senestra, Scrappy, and Kathy Hilter are going over final
plans for the upcoming battle.
SENESTRA
Target 4 may me a little tricky,
but...
Suddenly, snow and ice begins to fall on them.
SENESTRA
What the hell?
22 INT. HELL 22
In the giant fiery catacombs of hell, we see demons sledding
down snowy hills, having snowball fights, and making snowmen
as "Winter Wonderland" blares.
23 INT. KARI WUHRER'S BEDROOM 23
Kari Wuhrer and Liam are in bed. Liam is sound asleep as
Kari looks at him lovingly.
KARI WUHRER
Wow, who would have ever thought
that someone so inadequate in bed
could be so relaxed and
unconcerned?
LIAM
(wakes, sleepily)
What?
KARI WUHRER
I said you were great, tiger.
Liam goes back to sleep. Kari Wuhrer sighs and smiles.
FADE OUT:
THE END
CHRISTOPHER WALKEN (V.O.)
Hi, this is Christopher Walken.
Here are scenes from the next
episode of "The Liam Smith Show".
--------------------------------------------------------------
INT. HELL
WORLDKILLER
It begins now.
--------------------------------------------------------------
INT. DREW FANGTASTIC'S PLACE
There is a knock at the door.
DREW
Hello? Who is it?
SATAN (O.C.)
It's Satan.
DREW
Oh, very funny. Who do you think
you're trying to...
Drew opens the door revealing Satan and a midget.
DREW
Oh, fiddle.
--------------------------------------------------------------
INT. DONNER'S APARTMENT
Kathy Hilter's fingernails erupt into large claws.
KATHY HILTER
DIE!
DONNER
AW CRAP!
--------------------------------------------------------------
INT. THAD'S APARTMENT
Thad opens the door and SENESTRA MALEVOLOUS is standing there
with ROCK and TANK.
THAD
Oh, hello.
SENESTRA
I think you mean... GOODBYE!!!
Senestra takes out a large knife.
-------------------------------------------------------------
INT. A BEDROOM
LIAM
SATAN!
SATAN
Ah, Liam Smith... you remember when
I told you that your reckoning was
coming? Well, guess what today is?
--------------------------------------------------------------
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT
Liams stands in front of a dark figure in his darkened
apartment.
LIAM
GAH! What are you!?
WORLDKILLER
I am known as Worldkiller.
--------------------------------------------------------------
EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS
The apartments explode in a great fireball.
FADE OUT:
ROLL CREDITS