JUDGE JUDY
Hi, I'm Judge Judy and here's
what's already happened on "The
Liam Smith Show".
--------------------------------------------------------------
1 INT. THE JUSTICE SQUAD MOON WATCHTOWER 1
Ultrawoman walks up to Capeman who is brooding in the monitor
womb.
ULTRAWOMAN
Oh God... It's time, isn't it?
Capeman nods.
CAPEMAN
Yes... It's all about to come
together... Or fall apart, whatever
you want to call it.
--------------------------------------------------------------
2 INT. GARY THE FANBOY'S APARTMENT 2
Liam, Thad, Stacy, Arturo, and Bippo follow Gary inside.
BIPPO
(to Gary)
C'mon, little bitch! Where's this
thing you wanted to show us at!?
Gary points
GARY
THAT! And stop calling me little
bitch.
Everyone looks. There is a glowing orb of light in the
middle of the room.
--------------------------------------------------------------
HARRY THE HANDYMAN APPEARS
LIAM
HARRY THE HANDYMAN!
--------------------------------------------------------------
HARRY
The Worldkiller's destruction will
come down to the combined efforts
of five. The child of destiny, the
beast by night, the harlequin of
madness, the dethroned
entrepreneur, and the superhero.
BIPPO
But that could be anyone!
--------------------------------------------------------------
3 INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT 3
Liam has just gotten a letter from a delivery man.
LIAM
Can I ask you something? What
makes this delivery so special
anyway?
DELIVERY MAN
It's a plane ticket to Hollywood
and a personal invitation to Kari
Wuhrer's estate, Hooter Downs.
--------------------------------------------------------------
4 INT. KARI WUHRER'S ESTATE 4
Liam and Kari Wuhrer are talking.
KARI WUHRER
All the men I've ever met... And
some of the women, even, have only
been interested in one thing.
You're the only one who's ever been
different.
LIAM
Yeah, I've been interested in TWO
things.
KARI WUHRER
My heart and my soul?
LIAM
(a beat)
Okay.
--------------------------------------------------------------
5 EXT. KARI WUHRER'S ESTATE 5
The sun is going down.
LIAM (O.C.)
(falsetto)
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH,
SWEET MYSTERY OF LIFE AT LAST I'VE
FOUND YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!
AT LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAST I
KNOW THE SECRET OF IT AAAAAAAAAALL!
--------------------------------------------------------------
6 INT. HELL 6
In the giant fiery catacombs of hell, we see demons sledding
down snowy hills, having snowball fights, and making snowmen
as "Winter Wonderland" blares.
--------------------------------------------------------------
MAJEL BARRETT
And now, the continuation...
FADE IN:
7 INT. THAD'S APARTMENT 7
The floor is littered with chew toys and giant rawhide bones.
Bippo and Thad are watching television.
BIPPO
I'm bored.
THAD
Me too.
BIPPO
I want to do something.
THAD
Wanna go see a movie?
BIPPO
Sure, but how do we know we're not
going to walk into some lame PG
rated family goody-goody crap fest?
THAD
Well, we could always check out
Capalert.
Thad and Bippo walk over to a computer. Thad types in the
internet address and the website pops up.
THAD
Ah, here we go... Capalert gave
this movie a score of 21 due to
excessive nudity, wanton violence,
disrespect, and the use of the
foulest of the foul words.
BIPPO
Synergy?
THAD
No, I think they mean the word that
starts with "F", ends with "uck"
and isn't "Firetruck".
BIPPO
But I really hate "synergy".
THAD
Thank you, Capalert! Without you
guys, we would have never went to
this obviously gloriously smut
filled movie. You are the savior
of perverts and horny teenagers all
over the world!
BIPPO
Come on! It starts in ten minutes!
They run out the door.
FLIP TO:
8 INT. THAD'S APARTMENT - THREE HOURS LATER 8
Bippo and Thad enter looking pissed.
BIPPO
Capalert SUCKS!
THAD
Yeah, the nudity was an exposed
ankle, the disrespect was a woman
going out in public, and don't even
get me started on the wanton
violence!
BIPPO
Well, I'm still wanton violence!
Crapalert screwed us man! Still, I
feel a little guilty that Liam
didn't come with us.
THAD
Yeah, we really should have called
and asked. I mean, it's not like
he's doing anything important right
now.
CUT TO:
9 INT. KARI WUHRER'S BEDROOM 9
Liam and Kari are lying in bed with each other sleeping.
FADE OUT:
--------------------------------------------------------------
THEME SONG
(Sung to the theme of "Three's Company")
Welcome to the last part.
Messing with status quo.
Time wrap up all the dumb plotlines,
of The Liam Smith Show.
Time to say our good-byes,
and start blasting away.
Now comes that tired old part
of the theme where we say Olé!
--------------------------------------------------------------
THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
Starring
Dian Bachar
as
"Liam Smith"
John Rhys-Davies
as
"Professor Arturo"
Seann William Scott
as
"Thad Coffey"
and
Robert Floyd
as
"Bippo the Clown"
Also Starring
Neil Patrick Harris
as
"Gary the Fanboy"
Cameron Diaz
as
"Stacy VaVoom"
Gary Dordan
as
"Tempus"
RuPaul
as
"Chocolate Treat"
Betty White
as
"Doris Winchester"
Reese Whitherspoon
as
"Kathy Hilter"
David Peckinpah
as
"Satan"
Marina Sirtis
as
"Senestra Malevolous"
Billy Blanks
as
"Rock"
Dolph Lungren
as
"Tank"
Scrappy Doo
and
MVP Jason Donner
as
"Donner"
Special Guest Stars
Vern Troyer
as
"Phil"
Joan Rivers
as
the voice of
"S.U.I.T."
Michael Dorn
as
the voice of
"Worldkiller"
and
Kari Wuhrer
Guests of The Liam Smith Show stay at the fabulous Motel 6 on the corner of Crip and Blood.
FADE IN:
10 INT. HELL 10
SENESTRA is pacing back and forth. SCRAPPY is leaning back
in a chair asleep. KATHY HILTER is twirling her hair around
her finger and chewing on a fingernail. In the middle of the
room, the dark figure known as WORLDKILLER stands silently.
There is the sound of a ticking clock and it's obvious that
everyone is bored. Well, everyone but Worldkiller who just
stands there with his eyes closed waiting... waiting...
waiting... Finally, his eyes SNAP OPEN with the sound of a
thunderclap. Everyone's attention turns to him and Scrappy
falls backwards in his chair.
WORLDKILLER
It begins now.
SENESTRA
Well, it's about damn time. Folks,
you know your targets... get
cracking.
11 INT. SATAN'S CHAMBER 11
Satan is sitting on his throne watching Senestra,
Worldkiller, Kathy, and Scrappy. He leans back and a giant
smile appears on his lips.
SATAN
At last...
MUSIC STING
12 INT. DREW'S PLACE 12
Drew is ironing his underwear listening to the radio in his
new place, a tomb located somewhere in London.
RADIO
...astronomers have been unable to
explain the sudden solar eclipse
that has sent most of the world
into darkness today. While the
Justice Squad is in space at this
moment investigating, Doctor
Frederick Von Whoop-Whoop
speculated that it could be a large
asteroid or a...
DREW
That's bloody enough of that.
Drew switches the station until he hears Frank Sinatra and
the Rat Pack crooning an old tune.
DREW
That's better... Oh, the times I
used to have with those boys.
(sniff)
I miss you, Dean. Sammy.
(normal)
Frank was an ass, though, but a
hell of a tipper.
There is a knocking at the door. He folds his unmentionables
and puts them in a basket before going to the door and
peeking through the peep-hole.
DREW
Hello? Who is it?
SATAN (O.C.)
It's Satan.
DREW
Oh, very funny. Who do you think
you're trying to...
Drew opens the door revealing Satan and a midget.
DREW
Oh, fiddle.
SATAN
Oh, relax... I'm not here to kill
you, Drew my boy!
Satan and the midget enters the tomb.
DREW
Of course you're not. Aren't you
forbidden to enter here? This
being a sacred place and all?
SATAN
Check the expiration date.
Drew looks at an engraving on the wall that says "BLESSING
EXPIRES 3/31/89"
DREW
Dammit. All right, Lucy-fur. What
do you want? You want to make fun
of me because my coup of hell
crapped out before it even started
or are you here to finally drag me
back there?
SATAN
Well, a little of both actually.
First, comes the making fun of
part: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HA HA HA!!!
NANNY-NANNY BOO-BOO YOU SMELL LIKE
DOO-DOO!
DREW
Your wit slays me.
SATAN
Now comes the punishment part which
I have been saving for this very
special occasion. Drew, you bad
little bloodsucker you, I'm
drafting you into my army of
darkness.
DREW
Join your army, huh? What if I say
no?
SATAN
Oh, I don't think you will.
DREW
And what makes you think that?
SATAN
Because of my little buddy here.
Satan indicates the midget.
DREW
What's HE going to do to me if I
say no? Kick me in the shins or
wait until I'm using a urinal, hop
up, grab on, and threaten to jump?
SATAN
Nothing so pedestrian, but I must
admit that last one was very
creative. My little friend here
has quite a history. He's known as
the soul-stealer, the possessor,
the tormentor of thought.
MIDGET
Call me Phil.
DREW
Uh-huh, and how does that pertain
to me?
Satan grins. Phil leaps into the air and turns into a black
smoke which coalesces around Drew. Drew tries to fight it
off, but the smoke enters his mouth, ears, nose, and other
unmentionable orifices. The smoke completely absorbed, Drew
stops struggling and takes a breath.
DREW
What was THAT!?
SATAN
Phil is simply making sure you go
along with my plans. Now, tell me
about that bothersome werewolf
friend of yours? Feel like
smacking him around a couple of
times for the heck of it?
DREW
Smack nothing! I want to gut him
and leave his stinking carcass on a
pike to rot while hanging his pelt
in the bathroom to wipe with.
(a beat)
That's funny. I never wanted to do
that before. Come to think of it,
I want to do a lot of nasty and
evil stuff and it makes me feel
good!
SATAN
Phil's done a good job, then. Come
with me, Fangtastic, we have lot's
of things to discuss.
Satan waves his hand to command a wave of hellfire. Drew
stops him.
DREW
No, please... allow me.
Drew takes out his Hell Timer and creates a vortex. Satan
looks at him.
SATAN
I am impressed.
DREW
Please, after you...
(a beat)
...master.
Satan begins to bellow an evil laugh. Drew begins laughing
with him as the two enter the vortex and flash out of sight.
13 INT. DONNER'S APARTMENT 13
DONNER is on the phone.
DONNER
No, I don't want to hear that! I
want to know how you can help me
out of this miss I'm in business
wise! All right, here's the
deal...
Donner picks up a ladies hat.
DONNER
I've just invented this thing for
women. It's a hat that has a built
in warmer inside it to keep your
head nice and toasty in the winter
and I was wondering if it would
help my business get out of the
gutter.
(a beat)
Well to HELL with you too, Miss
Cleo!
Donner hangs up.
DONNER
Bitch.
There is a knock at the door.
DONNER
Come in!
KATHY HILTER enters.
KATHY HILTER
Hello, Donner.
DONNER
(surprised)
Kathy Hilter? Well, come on in
girl it's been months! How've you
been? What have you been up to so
long that we haven't seen you?
KATHY HILTER
Oh, you know... Business in Hell.
DONNER
Excuse me.
KATHY HILTER
Dah! I mean, business IS Hell.
DONNER
Tell me about it. So, what brings
you to Las Vegas again? Business
or pleasure?
KATHY HILTER
A little of both actually.
DONNER
Rea-heh-eaaaaaaaally? A little of
the pleasurable business we engaged
in last time you were here?
KATHY HILTER
Actually, no.
DONNER
Oh. Then what are you doing here!?
Kathy holds her hand out and claws erupt from her fingertips.
DONNER
AWESOME!
KATHY HILTER
DIE!
DONNER
COO... I mean, AW CRAP!
Kathy slashes at Donner who falls backwards into a recliner
popping the footrest up and hitting Kathy in the face and
causing her to fall backwards. Donner takes the opportunity
to jump up and grab a fire axe.
DONNER
WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!???
KATHY HILTER
FOOL! I am an agent of SATAN and I
am going to KILL YOU!
DONNER
But WHY!?
KATHY HILTER
Beats the crap out of me, stumpy.
DONNER
Why did you call me stumpy?
KATHY HILTER
You'll understand in five seconds.
Kathy slices through the axe blade with her claws and splits
it like paper. Donner throws what's left of the axe at her
and runs to the bedroom locking the door behind him.
14 INT. DONNER'S BEDROOM 14
Donner braces the door with a sofa chair.
KATHY HILTER (O.C.)
FOOL! YOU CAN'T HIDE FROM ME
FOREVER!
DONNER
I like you better when we just had
sex!
SMASH! Kathy's claws bust through the door.
DONNER
EEEEEEEEEEEEEK!
15 INT. THAD'S APARTMENT 15
Bippo and Thad are sitting on the couch when the phone rings.
Thad answers it.
THAD
KSUX is my favorite radio station
with continuous...
DONNER (ON PHONE)
THAD, YOU IDIOT IT'S ME, DONNER!!!
THAD
Oh hey, Donner what's up?
DONNER (ON PHONE)
I'm in trouble! Look, Kathy
Hilter's here and she's trying to
kill...
PHONE
BEEP! BEEP!
THAD
Hold on, Donner, I have another
call.
DONNER (ON PHONE)
NO, DAMMIT! DON'T PUT ME ON HO-
Thad hits the flash button and takes the other call.
THAD
KSUX is my favorite radio station
with...
(a beat)
Who?
(a beat)
Yeah, he's here.
Thad hands the phone to Bippo.
THAD
It's for you.
BIPPO
It's not a telephone salesman, is
it?
THAD
No, but it is some guy with a deep
demonic voice that resonates with
the sound of billions of tortured
screams and unspeakable evil
throughout the ages.
BIPPO
Whew, that's a relief.
Bippo takes the phone.
BIPPO
Hello?
(a beat)
Yes, this is him.
(a beat)
You don't say.
(a beat)
You don't SAY!
(a beat)
YOU DON'T SAY!
THAD
Who is it?
BIPPO
He didn't say.
(to phone)
So, you want me to come down now?
Right this minute?
(a beat)
Sure, I'll be right there! Bye
Bye!
Bippo hangs up, jumps to his feet, and runs out the door.
THAD
Bippo, where are you...?
(a beat)
How strange.
Thad picks up the phone and looks at the caller ID.
INSERT SHOT
The caller ID reads "DARKNESS, PRINCE OF - (666) 666-6666"
BACK ON THAD
He looks back at the door and then back at the phone.
Finally, he jumps up and heads for the door.
THAD
Bippo, wait a minute I think you
should...
Thad opens the door and SENESTRA MALEVOLOUS is standing there
with ROCK and TANK.
THAD
Oh, hello.
SENESTRA
I think you mean... GOODBYE!!!
Senestra takes out a large knife. Thad smirks.
THAD
Miss Malevolous, I know you're
still cheesed about me quitting
Circus, Circus like I did, but
c'mon... what are you going to do
with that? Hello? I'm a werewolf
and, thus, invulnerable to most
conventional weapons.
Senestra slashes Thad across the arm. Thad begins to laugh.
THAD
(laughing)
HA HA HA HA HAAAA Ha... uh... ha...
ah...
(begins to cry)
ahh... ow... owie-e-e-e-eeeee! W
Why did you go and do that for-or
or-or? That stung, you dick! Give
me that!
Thad takes the knife from Senestra and looks at it.
INSERT SHOT
There is an engraving on the knife that says "PURE SILVER -
MADE IN TAIWAN"
BACK ON THAD
THAD
Son... of... a BITCH!
(a beat)
Wait! HA! I have your knife and
now you're not going to get it
back, because...
Thad looks up. Rock, Tank, and Senestra are holding gigantic
Conan swords made of silver.
THAD
Because... Because...
(a beat, dances and sings)
Because of the wonderful things
I've done, dah deedly deedly doo!
On the "doo", Thad chunks the knife at Senestra who has to
duck out of the way. Thad turns into his werewolf form and
leaps for the window. He hits the glass which doesn't
shatter and he falls to the floor in a heap.
WEREWOLF THAD
OW! What the hell?
(a beat)
Oh, yeah... I got tired of
replacing all the windows in this
joint what with all the people
crashing through them all the time
and put up shatterproof transparent
plastic. DAMN ME AND MY
PROGRESSIVE THINKING!
Werewolf Thad leaps to his feet and runs for the bedroom. He
shuts the door and locks it.
WEREWOLF THAD
You'll never get me in here! HA!
HA!
Rock and Tank's fists break through the door.
WEREWOLF THAD
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!
16 INT. KARI WUHRER'S BEDROOM 16
Kari is lying in bed in a white silk robe.
LIAM (O.S.)
Are you sure this is all you have?
KARI WUHRER
Oh, come on, Liam... you look fine.
Liam enters wearing a pink lacy robe with two red hearts over
his nipples.
LIAM
I feel ridiculous.
KARI WUHRER
You look ridiculous. Fortunately,
I don't think you'll be wearing
that much longer.
LIAM
AGAIN? Kari, that's five times in
the last hour! I am not a machine,
all right? I need a little time to
regroup the boys and call in the
reserves!
(a beat)
All right, I'm ready.
Liam runs to the bed and leaps but is suddenly KNOCKED
BACKWARDS by a wall of hellfire. He falls to the ground and
looks up to see SATAN standing there.
LIAM
SATAN!
SATAN
Ah, Liam Smith... you remember when
I told you that your reckoning was
coming? Well, guess what today is?
LIAM
What do you want with me!?
Satan chuckles.
SATAN
My dear little boy, what makes you
think I'm here for you?
Liam looks confused, but then turns his attention over to the
bed where Kari Wuhrer sits afraid and huddled in a corner.
LIAM
NO!
Liam jumps up and runs at Satan who effortlessly picks him up
by the throat and holds him in the air.
SATAN
You bore me.
Satan throws him down and grabs Kari Wuhrer by the arm.
SATAN
I'll be seeing you real soon.
KARI WUHRER
LIAM!!!
Satan and Kari Wuhrer disappear in a wave of hellfire.
LIAM
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Liam slams his fists against the floor in anger, then runs
out the door.
17 EXT. KARI WUHRER'S ESTATE 17
Liam runs out the front door and looks around at the darkness
engulfing Los Angeles from the unexplained total eclipse. He
runs to the street and flags down a Taxi.
LIAM
TAXI!
The Taxi screeches to a stop. Liam gets in.
18 INT. THE TAXI 18
LIAM
It's an emergency, driver! I need
to get to Upda Creek apartments in
Las Vegas STAT!
DRIVER
That's a three hour drive, buddy!
Five if you count traffic.
LIAM
But I need to get there as quickly
as...
Liam peers down at the Driver's ID.
LIAM
Oh, hey! You're Bronson Pinchot!
19 EXT. THE STREET 19
Liam is thrown out of the cab which zooms away. Liam gets up
and gives him the finger.
LIAM
Oh yeah? Well Perfect Strangers
SUCKED!!!
(a beat)
Oooooooh, how am I ever going to
get home now? How will I ever
rescue Kari Wuhrer?
A pair of headlights appear in the distance. Liam jumps up
and flags it down. The van stops and Liam runs to the door
and gets inside.
20 INT. THE VAN 20
LIAM
You've got to help me! My new
girlfriend was just kidnapped by
Satan and I need to get to Las
Vegas as soon as possible.
Liam finally looks at the driver and his eyes widen in shock
as he sees MR. T in the driver's seat! The theme from "The A
Team" begins to play.
MR. T
Ain't no problem, foo'! My van is
fast!
LIAM
Great! But how fast? I need to
get to Upda Creek apartments in
five minutes.
Mr. T smiles.
MR. T
Which floor?
21 EXT. THE STREET 21
Mr. T's Custom 1982 GMC Van takes off easily going 500 miles
per hour.
MR. T (V.O.)
I gotta ask... What's with the
pink robe, sucka?
22 INT. THAD'S APARTMENT 22
Rock and Tank break through the door and come at Thad with
their silver swords. Werewolf Thad looks around, shrugs, and
then runs for the wall.
23 INT. GARY THE FANBOY'S BATHROOM 23
Gary is sitting on the toilet admiring a centerfold. Camera
pans back to reveal that he's looking at an issue of Starlog
magazine.
GARY
Ah, the Orion Slave Girls...
BLAM! Werewolf Thad crashes through the wall and falls on
the floor. Gary jumps up with his pants around his ankles
and runs, taking little baby steps.
GARY
SON OF A...!
Werewolf Thad looks up as Gary runs out of the room with his
pants down.
WEREWOLF THAD
(shields eyes)
THAT'S an image I won't be
forgetting soon.
Werewolf Thad picks himself off the ground and tries to run,
but Rock and Tank grab him and hold him as Senestra walks
through the hole in the wall holding a silver sword.
SENESTRA
Quite the wily quandary, aren't
you?
WEREWOLF THAD
Since I have no idea what you just
said means, I'll agree.
SENESTRA
Oh, Thaddeus... we could have been
so wonderful together. You could
have worked for me and I wouldn't
be forced to kill you on Satan's
orders, now.
WEREWOLF THAD
Why does Satan want me dead?
SENESTRA
I guess you could say that
something about you pisses him off.
WEREWOLF THAD
Isn't that how it always works?
Suddenly, Gary appears in the doorway.
GARY
I think it's time the three of you
left.
ROCK
D'ah, or what you little geek?
GARY
Or in thirty seconds, there will
only be two of us standing.
WEREWOLF THAD
I'm one of those two, right?
SENESTRA
You amuse me, little dork,
therefore I will let you live, but
only with all four of your limbs
severed.
GARY
I'm warning you!
SENESTRA
You're warning ME?
WEREWOLF THAD
(through teeth)
What are you doing, Gary!?
SENESTRA
Exactly what I want to know. What
ARE you doing, you little bitch?
GARY
DON'T CALL ME LITTLE BITCH!
RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARH!!!
Gary leaps at them and, in a fury of kicks and punches, Rock
and Tank are on the ground and Senestra has been disarmed.
SENESTRA
What the...!?
WEREWOLF THAD
Mental note: don't call Gary
"little bitch" anymore.
(to Gary)
How the HELL did you...!?
GARY
Not important. Now, to take out
the trash...
WEREWOLF THAD
But shouldn't we beat up Senestra
Malevolous first?
Gary looks at Werewolf Thad with a "God, you are a stupid
bastard" look, then turns back to Senestra and cracks his
knuckles. Senestra takes a step backwards.
SENESTRA
Well, well, well... look at the
time!
Senestra runs away into Thad's place. Werewolf Thad and Gary
follow.
24 INT. THAD'S APARTMENT 24
Thad and Gary enter. Gary stops Thad.
GARY
No, she's not worth it! I fear
there are more dire evils at work
here.
WEREWOLF THAD
Okay, Gary... I've got to ask how
the HELL you...
GARY
Did you know you have someone on
hold?
WEREWOLF THAD
What? Oh.
Werewolf Thad looks down at the phone and picks it up.
WEREWOLF THAD
Hello? Donner, is that you?
(a beat)
Donner, I can't hear you. There's
some kind of weird static on the
line. Are you hungry? Is that why
you keep saying "dine, dine, dine?"
25 INT. DONNER'S APARTMENT 25
Kathy is strangling Donner with the telephone line and
beating him over the head with the receiver.
KATHY HILTER
DIE! DIE! DIE DIIIIIIIE!!!
Donner reaches for something on the table. It's the warmer
hat he was talking about earlier. He finally grabs it, puts
it on Kathy's head, and turns it on "high".
KATHY HILTER
What the?
Kathy feels of the hat and smiles.
KATHY HILTER
Oh, it's nice, warm, and cozy! I
like this hat! Wow, this could
make you a billion dollars! I...
WHOOSH! Kathy's head bursts into flames.
KATHY HILTER
YEARGH!!!
Kathy runs around the room hitting herself in the head with
her fists. She finally runs out the door.
26 EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS 26
Kathy runs up to a fire extinguisher, points it at herself
and tries to fire it off, only it's empty. She runs to a
hose lying on the ground and turns it on. The camera pans
back to reveal that it is connected to a tank that says
PROPANE. Kathy's entire body bursts into flames. She runs
to an enclosed pool area and dives in. We hear a THUNK-SPLAT
sound that echoes for a few seconds. Arturo enters frame.
ARTURO
Good lord! I just had that pool
cleaned!
Werewolf Thad, Gary, and Donner (still choking a bit) run to
the pool.
WEREWOLF THAD
Holy CRAP in a HAT!
ARTURO
Did you see that? Some flaming
harpy just dived into the pool!
WEREWOLF THAD
And that thing hasn't had water in
it for years and when it did...
Everyone shudders.
WEREWOLF THAD
I would have rather jumped in the
empty pool!
ARTURO
Who was that?
DONNER
It was Kathy Hilter! She was
trying to kill me! Apparently, she
is a minion of Satan and neglected
to tell us.
WEREWOLF THAD
No kidding? Senestra just tried to
kill me saying that it was Satan's
orders. What are the odds?
ARTURO
I'd say about as good as Liam
showing up wearing nothing but a
pink lace silk robe with two red
hearts over his nipples.
Liam shows up wearing the pink lace silk robe with two red
hearts over his nipples. Werewolf Thad changes back to
regular Thad.
ARTURO
One of these days I'm going to keep
my fat trap shut.
LIAM
Guys, Satan just kidnapped Kari
Wuhrer!
GARY
We've got to do something!
THAD
That's not the only person Satan's
grabbed. Bippo's missing too.
DONNER
Could someone explain to me exactly
what the hell is happening today?
Unexplained solar eclipses, the
forces of evil trying to kill us in
a coordinated attempt, and NOW
they're kidnapping people!?
ARTURO
Obviously, there is something
afoot, but I...
Doris enters frame.
DORIS
Excuse me, professor.
ARTURO
Not now, woman! Can't you see that
we're in the middle of something
dire and we're all trying to figure
out where and how the forces of
evil will strike next?
DORIS
Actually, I can. One doesn't live
as long as I have without noticing
these things, that's why I thought
you'd all be interested in
something I just found.
ARTURO
What!?
LIAM
You found?
DORIS
I need you to come and look at
something.
ARTURO
What?
DORIS
Well, that's just it... I'm not
sure but I really think you guys
should come look at it.
Arturo sighs.
ARTURO
Come on, lads.
THAD
(to Liam)
Did he just call us lads?
27 INT. HELL 27
SCRAPPY DOO enters carrying a screwdriver and a pair of wire
cutters. He walks up to SATAN who is sitting on his throne
looking rather bored.
SCRAPPY
It's done, master. One thousand
bombs... the perfect distraction.
SATAN
(disinterested)
That's nice, Scrappy. You may go.
Scrappy stands there for a second, obviously puzzled by
Satan's nonchalant attitude. He finally exits as Satan
starts his X-Box and begins to play a video game.
28 INT. DORIS' APARTMENT 28
Arturo, Doris, Thad, Donner, Gary, and Liam enter.
DORIS
...then I came back from playing
Bingo at the Y, and it was just
sitting here.
Doris points to a red refrigerator sized object sitting in
the middle of the room.
ARTURO
Well, that's odd. What do you
suppose it is?
DONNER
Gee, professor, let's look at the
facts so far. Plans from Satan's
minions, bodily harm, kidnapping,
and what not? I'd reckon it's not
a care package.
Thad has walked up to it and taps on the side.
THAD
I'm going to open it.
GARY
Well, be careful! There's no
telling what it is!
THAD
I'll be careful! I have just the
right tool to delicately open this
package.
Thad studies the package a little more, then takes out a
large monkey wrench and whacks it as hard as he can. The
front panel swings open revealing an LED display that's
counting down.
9:45, 9:44, 9:43, 9:42, 9:41, 9:40, 9:39....
LIAM
I'm willing to bet that thing isn't
counting down to Christmas.
THAD
(disappointed)
Aw...
DORIS
You mean this thing is a...?
Thad opens another panel revealing a giant poster for the
"FINAL FANTASY" movie.
LIAM
It's a bomb!
Thad looks at it's base.
THAD
The damn thing's welded to the
floor! We can't move it!
ARTURO
Then we're wasting time trying to.
It's time to evacuate the building
and bloody move, all right? Go!
Everyone runs out the door.
29 EXT. THE SKIES OVER LAS VEGAS 29
Capeman is flying above the city with a look of determination
on his face when ULTRAWOMAN flies up next to him.
ULTRAWOMAN
Capeman, where the hell have you
been? We've been trying to contact
you for an hour!
CAPEMAN
Bomb at Upda Creek Apartments!
I've got to do something about it!
ULTRAWOMAN
Capeman, there are one THOUSAND
bombs one one thousand school buses
all over the world!
Capeman stops.
CAPEMAN
What!?
ULTRAWOMAN
We can't get them all ourselves!
We need your help or a lot of kids
are going to die!
Capeman looks torn. He looks off in the direction of Upda
Creek and then at Ultrawoman.
CAPEMAN
All over the world you say?
ULTRAWOMAN
And unless we defuse them all in
fifteen minutes, they're going to
go off.
A beat.
CAPEMAN
Then we'd better get to work.
They fly off at the speed of sound.
30 EXT. THE HALLWAY 30
Thad runs down the hall frantically knocking on doors. Stacy
steps out of her apartment sleepily.
STACY
What's going on?
THAD
I'll explain on the way out!
He grabs her, puts her over his shoulder, and runs.
31 EXT. ANOTHER HALLWAY 31
Doris is knocking on Chocolate Treat's door.
DORIS
Chocolate Treat! Open the door!
We have to leave, there's a BOMB!
Hello?
Arturo and Triumph rush by on their way out. Doris stops
Arturo.
DORIS
Treat isn't answering her door!
ARTURO
I haven't seen her for days, but
it's obvious she's not here. Now,
move woman, move!
Doris follows Arturo out.
DORIS
If she's not here, then where is
she?
32 INT. TEMPUS' PLACE 32
Chocolate Treat and Tempus are lying in bed together.
TEMPUS
Well, that was... different.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
It's fun to experiment.
TEMPUS
Yeah, I like to think that we're an
open society in the future, but
that was... well, it was something
I've never done before.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Oh, would you relax? Zen
meditation allows two people to
have sex for hours and, in our
case, days.
TEMPUS
Days? What day IS it?
CHOCOLATE TREAT
I don't know. I've lost count.
Tempus leaps out of bed.
TEMPUS
Suit, what day is it?
S.U.I.T.
April 19, 2002.
TEMPUS
Aw, hell...
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Honey, what?
TEMPUS
STAY THERE!
Tempus activates his timesuit and runs out a door.
33 EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS 33
Everyone who lives in the apartments run across the parking
lot. DONNER is running next to LIAM and THAD.
DONNER
Where's dick-munch and butt-wad?
THAD
Last I heard, they were out with
the Justice Squad trying to figure
out where this eclipse is coming
from.
They stop running across the street where everyone has
gathered on the opposite sidewalk.
ARTURO
Is everyone out?
THAD
We checked every room. We got
everyone out with just minutes to
spare.
Liam turns around and looks back at the apartments.
LIAM
Oh my GOD!
34 EXT. LIAM'S APARTMENT 34
Through the window, we see KARI WUHRER tied to a chair and
struggling to get free.
35 EXT. THE SIDEWALK 35
Everyone is standing there in shock.
DORIS
How the HELL did she get in there!?
Liam stands there in shock until a look of determination
crossed his face.
LIAM
How much time!?
ARTURO
Two minutes, but...
Liam takes off across the street.
ARTURO
LIAM! DON'T BE AN IDIOT!
THAD
Hell...
Thad takes off after him.
ARTURO
THAD, DON'T BE YOURSELF!
A beat, Arturo remembers something.
ARTURO
THAD, NO! IT'S APRIL 19th!
REMEMBER!? THAD, COME BACK HERE!!!
It's too late. Thad is already across the street and about
to go after Liam who has all ready entered the building.
36 INT. UPDA CREEK LOBBY 36
Liam enters and quickly runs across the deserted lobby. Thad
enters behind him as Liam exits into the hall.
THAD
Liam, Stop! You're going to get-
POW! Thad bounces off a wall of solid hellfire and falls
backwards.
37 INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT 37
Liam opens the door and enters the dark apartment. Kari
Wuhrer is tied to a chair trying to get free.
KARI WUHRER
Liam!
LIAM
Kari! Don't worry, Kari, I'm going
to untie you and we'll get out of
here and everything will be all
right!
KARI WUHRER
Unnecessary.
Kari Wuhrer stands up. Her bonds slide of her and an evil
smile crosses her face.
LIAM
Whew, that's a relief. I'm not
good with knots and... HEY! How
come you didn't do that before?
KARI WUHRER
Still the same dim-witted fool,
Liam? How little you've changed
since I last saw you.
LIAM
Kari? Are you feeling all right?
We have to go!
KARI WUHRER
IDIOT! I AM NOT KARI WUHRER!!!
38 INT. UPDA CREEK LOBBY 38
Werewolf Thad picks up the couch and throws it at the
hellfire field. The couch shatters and burns. Thad realizes
how futile it is to get through the barrier, turns back to
normal, and finally makes the hard decision to leave.
39 EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS 39
Thad runs out the front door into the blackness of the
eclipse night and steam-rolls right into ARTURO, TEMPUS, and
LIAM.
ARTURO
THAD!
LIAM
Thad, what the hell's going on!?
THAD
Liam, thank God you're out! What
are you standing around for?
RUN!!!
Thad runs off. Liam runs after him and grabs him stopping
him in his tracks.
LIAM
Thad! Why are you running!?
THAD
Are you insane? I...
Thad sees Tempus.
THAD
Oh my God, you're not Liam... I
mean, you're not our Liam... You're
Liam from a year ago when Tempus
first showed up, right?
LIAM
Yeah, we came from a year in the
past so Tempus could prove that...
THAD
Liam, listen to me! Go back and
prepare!
The wind picks up obscuring Thad's words.
LIAM
Prepare for what?
THAD
They've made their move, Liam! The
Quadrangle's made their move!
LIAM
The Quadrangle? Thad, slow down
and explain what's going on
coherently!
40 INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT 40
Kari Wuhrer's eyes are glowing red. Suddenly, she turns into
the dark figure, WORLDKILLER.
LIAM
GAH! What are you!?
WORLDKILLER
I am known as Worldkiller.
LIAM
YOU'RE Worldkiller?
WORLDKILLER
Ah, as sharp as a dead mackrel.
You haven't changed.
LIAM
I haven't?
(a pause)
Do I know you?
WORLDKILLER
Oh yes, you know me and I know
you... Perhaps THIS will jog your
memory!
Worldkiller claps his hands together and begins to shrink.
He gets smaller and smaller and smaller. Liam watches him
shrink until he finally says, with a disgusted and somewhat
amused expression...
LIAM
You've got to be kidding me.
There, in front of Liam, is a small rodent with large sharp
teeth and evil red eyes.
LIAM
FLUFFY THE HAMSTER!?
Lightning crashes.
FLUFFY THE HAMSTER
Yes, Liam! Fluffy the Hamster is
BACK!
LIAM
But I saw you die and when you're a
demon and you die, you just stop
existing, right?
FLUFFY THE HAMSTER
Normally, Liam... but I was called
for a darker purpose and, of
course, I had to come here to see
you again. Nice robe, by the way.
Liam covers the two red hearts over his nipples with his
hands.
41 EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS 41
Thad is talking to the Liam, Tempus, and Arturo of 2001.
THAD
It's the end of everything, Liam!
Look, you think that Satan comes
after you, but...
42 INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT 42
Liam is standing there in front of Fluffy.
LIAM
Where's Kari?
FLUFFY THE HAMSTER
Your stalkee turned new girlfriend?
She's somewhere safe... for now.
LIAM
So, you're here to get revenge?
Well, go ahead and get it over
with!
FLUFFY THE HAMSTER
Revenge? Liam, my former owner, I
am here for a much more diabolical
purpose than that, but I do
consider revenge a most tempting
bonus. I've been waiting a long
time for this, Smith.
LIAM
You blow up these apartments,
you'll be just as dead as I'll be.
You didn't come back just to kill
yourself, did you? No matter how
much you hate me, I know you're not
going to blow up the apartments
while you're here.
FLUFFY THE HAMSTER
Don't be a dofus, Liam. Do you
think I'm stupid enough to blow
myself up? I was never here, fool!
Fluffy disappears.
LIAM
Oh, hell. It seemed like a decent
gamble at the time.
Liam turns and runs for the door. The scene slows to a crawl
as he reaches for the doorknob. Just inches from it, there
is a loud explosion and everything washes out into a
brilliant white.
43 EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS 43
Thad is frantically trying to explain what's going on to the
Arturo, Tempus, and Liam of 2001 when, behind them, Upda
Creek Apartments EXPLODES in a great fireball. Knocking them
to the ground.
TEMPUS
SUIT, GET OUT OUT OF HERE!!!
SUIT
Calculating.
THAD
ARRRRRRGH!!!
A giant piece of concrete lands on Thad. More concrete falls
out of the sky.
LIAM
THAD!
TEMPUS
SUIT, NOW DAMMIT!!!
WHAM!!! Concrete smashes down on them, but we see a
brilliant flash of light that tells us that they've safely
jumped back in time.
The shower of debris stops and we see Upda Creek Apartments
have been totally destroyed. Tattered and burning pages of
porno fall from the sky like tree leaves falling in Autumn as
an eerie silence falls over the scene.
Suddenly, a door of light appears about seven feet off the
ground. THAD falls from it and hits the ground.
THAD
ARRRRRRRGH-OOF!
TEMPUS and CHOCOLATE TREAT jump down from the door which
snaps shut above them. Thad continues to scream.
TEMPUS
Thad, calm down! You're all right!
Thad stops screaming and opens his eyes.
THAD
I'm alive!?
TEMPUS
Yeah, sorry about the last minute
save, but I couldn't allow myself
from one year ago to be clued in
that I was going to stick around in
his future.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Thad, honey, where's Liam?
THAD
Last I saw him, he was in there!
They all look at the smoking ruin that is Upda Creek
Apartment. A large portion of it is in flames.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Oh, Liam! Oh no!
THAD
Don't worry, Chocolate Treat. I've
known Liam for three years and he
has the best luck of anyone I've
ever seen. If anyone got out of
that explosion alive, it would be
him.
WHAM! A burned body lands in front of them wearing a burned
pink lace robe with red hearts over the nipples. The body
continues to sizzle and pop and smoke as the others slowly
creep over to it with their mouths open in shock. Tempus
bends down and looks at the charred face.
TEMPUS
Uh...
Tempus tries to take a pulse off the neck, but the head falls
off and rolls down the street.
TEMPUS
I... don't think he's going to pull
through.
Lightning flashes overhead. Thad, Chocolate Treat, and
Tempus look up into the sky and, above them, two BLOOD RED
EYES stare down on them from above the clouds.
44 EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS - AERIAL SHOT 44
Thad, Chocolate Treat, and Tempus stand over Liam's body as
the camera pulls back revealing all the devastation around
them. Music swells as we...
FADE OUT:
TO BE CONTINUED!
--------------------------------------------------------------
TRACI LORDS
Hi, I'm Traci Lords and here's a
look at the next exciting episode
of "The Liam Smith Show"!
--------------------------------------------------------------
INT. CAPTAIN SPAZ'S TRANSPARENT ROCKETSHIP
CAPTAIN SPAZ
My GOD! Whatever it is, it's the
size of Jupiter! Why didn't we see
this before now!?
--------------------------------------------------------------
EXT. THE RUINS OF UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS
CAPEMAN
This was a coordinated and planned
assault to keep us distracted so
they could get to him. Now, all is
lost.
--------------------------------------------------------------
STACY
I can't believe he's dead!
--------------------------------------------------------------
INT. A TOY STORE
Thad and Drew face each other.
DREW
Who said anything about fighting
you, Fido? I'm not just going to
kick your ass this time, Thad, I'm
going to KILL you!
--------------------------------------------------------------
EXT. A HUGE FIELD
Suddenly, a light appears from the sky and, from it, MILLIONS
OF PARADEMONS - grotesque demon like shock troops - begin to
fall from the sky like rain. The superheroes look on in
shock as strange TANKS erupt from the ground. The Parademons
man the tanks and begin advancing. The camera zooms in on
Capeman.
CAPEMAN
Justice Squad International...
ONWARD!!!
FADE OUT:
ROLL CREDITS