Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you a running
real-time commentary of The Happening.
0:00 - All right, time to start. I'm seeing
credits over clouds and boring music. Remember the theme from
Signs? That was the shit.
3:25 - Credits over. Let's get started.
5:07 - The movie starts off with a nice sense of
dread as people stop dead in their tracks and a woman on a bench
notices. However, the knitting needle to the neck looked really
bad. Whoever cast that latex was drunk on the job.
5:36 - I'm now to the scene from the trailer
where the construction dudes are falling off the building. Wow,
this scene has some ass-awful crappy acting from the people in it. The
scene is supposed to be grotesque, but it's one of the funniest things
I've seen all day... almost like it's a bad SNL skit.
6:40 - Mark Walberg: high school teacher! I can't
buy this guy as an intellectual.
7:58 - The guy in class doesn't care about bees.
Neither do I. Goddammit, do something, movie!
9:00 - Jesus wept, Marky Mark is a shitty
10:52 - Marky Mark has just been told there's
been a chemical attack and he sends his kids out of school and into
the middle of it without even telling them that there is an
emergency? What a dick!
11:02 - John Leguizamo! Yeah... he's a math
teacher, we get it. Thanks for that exposition. I'm also going
to speculate that he's going to die horribly as minorities are prone
to do in these movies.
13:10 - Mrs. Marky Mark is getting a call, so she
throws her cell onto the coffee table and stares at it. Can't you just
ignore the call? Why do chicks have to be so dramatic?
14:06 - Wow, the shitty bar has just been raised
thanks to the acting of Mrs. Marky Mark.
15:34 - Why does Leguizamo always speak out of
one side of his mouth? It looks like the poor man just had a stroke.
18:07 - Another scene from the trailer. A
cop takes his gun and shoots himself. Tell me, how do you shoot
yourself in the head and then catch yourself with your arms when you
19:05 - Ha, ha, ha! Shoot yourself, drop the gun,
someone else takes it, bang, drop the gun, someone else gets it...
It's like passing a "shot!"
19:58 - Marky Mark repeats the news, "Another
park?" like it's important or any real person would actually pick up
on it like it was a clue or something. That's giving me
a raging clue. My clue is pointing in this direction.
21:38 - Why does Marky Mark always have that
facial expression like he's sitting on the toilet?
22:11 - Omigod! Marky Mark is awful in this
24:09 - Marky Mark is having a conversation with
the cute little girl that's making him look like a pedophile.
25:10 - Lions disarm a man. Seriously, they bite
a man's arm off! That is the funniest goddamn thing I've seen in
the movie so far.
It's amazing that the man who brought us
The Sixth Sense and Unbreakable is showing this
level of incompetence when it comes to showing how people react
in a crisis.
26:36 - This is the calmest group of panicking
people I've ever seen. It's amazing that the man who brought us
The Sixth Sense and Unbreakable is showing this level of
incompetence when it comes to showing how people react in a crisis.
29:08 - This is the flattest heartfelt goodbye
scene I've ever seen. Probability and math should not figure
into heartfelt goodbye speeches.
30:00 - Thirty minutes into the movie. There's
been death and an evacuation, but I still feel like nothing has
happened! They should have called this The Not Happening!
31:21 - Congratulations, Marky Mark, you've
hitched a ride with the whackjob idiot that talks to plants, has a
stupid theory, and is probably right.
32:09 - Ha, ha, ha! The chick in the jeep starts
screaming at people hanging from the trees and it's only AFTER this
that Leguizamo tells her not to look out the window.
33:57 - Jeep crash. All right, I have to admit.
That was cool and by far the only scene in the movie that has been
34:40 - RIP Leguizamo!
35:10 - Marky Mark is one of the least surprised
surprised people I've ever seen.
36:40 - Jesus Christ, it's Gomer Pyle!
37:40 - Marky Mark, all of the sudden, thinks
that crazy plant man is right and that plants are killing people.
Wait, what? Why? What evidence do you have, Mr. Scholar?
39:21 - This is the least concerned concerned
mother I have ever seen.
40:33 - Let me get this straight. This disease or
gas or plot device or whatever it is makes people loose their sense of
self-preservation and kill themselves? Is THAT what's going on? It's
like a retarded passive aggressive form of a 28 Days Later
40:45 - Snap. Marky Mark has an emotional crying
scene and M. Night shoots it from a distance. If something is so
shitty even M. Night doesn't want it in this shitty movie, it's has
got to be really shitty. I'm talking at least three scoops of
42:16 - Crazy plant man has too goddamn many
crazy convenient explanations. Is this man Jesus?
44:07 - Let's split up our group in the middle of
a crisis. What a brilliant plan.
44:32 - Nice move, Mrs. Marky Mark. Hey, honey...
I know we're all going to die but I need to tell you... I cheated on
you. What a cunt!
46:10 - Fuck beans. It IS the plants behind it.
46:22 - Plants.
46:59 - Motherfucking plants.
48:00 - (hysterical laughter) Holy crap!
They're actually outrunning the wind! One of them is a fat
chick and she's OUTRUNNING THE WIND!!!
48:55 - The wind won.
49:33 - Goddammit. Nothing happened. I was
really rooting for the trees at this point.
51:14 - I just realized. RIP Crazy Plant Man.
If he returns, then that will seal the deal... he is Jesus.
51:46 - Wait, was that a map from Dennys?
It's a house in the middle of nowhere
with fake furniture! I have a feeling that a nuclear bomb is
about to go off and the only way out is hiding in the fridge.
52:17 - Marky Mark is speaking to a plant in a
very pathetic attempt at humor. And it's plastic which... makes it
funnier, I guess.
53:15 - It's a house in the middle of nowhere
with fake furniture! I have a feeling that a nuclear bomb is about to
go off and the only way out is hiding in the fridge.
53:58 - Wow, okay... I'm a teacher myself and if
I had to spend the last few days of my life with another teacher who
elected to teach me things every chance he got, I would shoot myself.
STOP TRYING TO TEACH PEOPLE, MARKY MARK!!!
54:50 - OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM! That lawn mower
scene was too hilarious. Gratuitous, but hilarious as hell.
55:54 - All right, Marky Mark has been lecturing
these kids for hours about science, but the second they offer him
advice, he gets all up their ass. Fuck you, Marky! You take that
teenage advise, you fucking prick!
58:37 - Useful tip. If you're in a national
crisis and you happen upon an abandoned house that's boarded up and
there's someone inside, don't try to peer in the windows or make
demands. They're probably armed.
59:23 - Marky Mark is singing. Now it's just
59:50 - I TOLD YOU SO!!! RIP annoying
teenagers. You were asking for it, you idiots.
1:00:00 - At least we've reached the hour mark
with two annoying characters getting offed in front of a little girl.
That will ring up some therapy bills later.
1:01:21 - Too bad this movie isn't making more of
a statement about fear of terrorism. It's trying, but it's just being
1:03:01 - Enter the creepy old woman
1:05:15 - Filler, filler, filler, filler, filler.
1:06:00 - Sudden child abuse! Awesome!
1:07:13 - Is it just me or are Marky Mark and the
Funky Bunch meeting the craziest and strangest people on this trip?
Seriously, is there no one who is normal in a world overrun by killer
1:11:05 - OVERACTING!!! I thought that the crazy
old woman was going to shoot a turd out her ass.
1:11:57 - The wind is back! Quick, everyone!
Let's hide from the wind! Where's the duct tape for the windows and
1:12:32 - Wait a minute, did this movie just turn
into Night of the Living Dead?
1:12:58 - All right, crazy lady busting windows
with her head is officially the first creepy thing I've seen in this
1:13:36 - If anything, Marky Mark has that
wide-eyed open-mouthed somewhat surprised look down pact.
1:14:13 - Holy dog balls. These people have
been running from killer plant cum for the whole movie and when Marky
Mark tells Mrs. Marky Mark to stay inside and shut the doors, she
answers "why?" with a straight face. Why the fuck do you
1:15:42 - Wow, now Marky Mark is whining.
1:15:50 - The characters think that this is the
end? I could only be that lucky.
1:17:45 - We're a hour and seventeen minutes into
the movie and NOW they're hitting us with attempted character
development? Nice try, M. Night. Nice try. This, my
friends, is lipstick on a pig!
Wait a minute... are the trees causing
the wind to blow? I mean, what's the deal with that?
1:18:27 - Wait a minute... are the trees causing
the wind to blow? I mean, what's the deal with that?
1:19:58 - Goddammit! These characters are
indestructible! WHY WON'T THE TREES KILL THEM!?
1:20:10 - Marky Mark just mumbled something that
I'm sure was crucial to understand what just happened, but I couldn't
understand a word of it.
1:20:15 - Three months later.
1:22:22 - All right, everything's been explained
by the TV. Thank you, magic talking box.
1:22:51 - And we go off the rails with the
terrorism thing and jump on the environmental track. Yeehaw! This
movie has no point!
1:23:37 - Aw, she's pregnant! I can't wait for
her to tell Marky Mark and have him look with big wide eyes and an
1:24:37 - Dammit, the movie faded out and I
thought it was over. Now it's back.
1:25:35 - And NOW the movie is over. Not a
moment too soon; I was about to start negotiations with my fichus to
take me out lest I suffer more.
You can pretty much see the score as it stands
now. I am in absolute awe. The Village and Lady in the
Water were bad movies, but they had that spark of creativity and that
eye for composition that let you know that there was a mind behind the
camera. With The Happening, there is no inkling of any vision, any genius,
or any talent. If I can say anything about this steaming pile
that's remotely positive, it's that at least M. Night didn't cover it
with the egotism he exhibited in Lady in the Water.
M. Night, you're way too in love with yourself
and the only way
out is to
accept humility and admit that you are not God's gift to cinema
anymore. Your early work was brilliant, but your latest works
are like you took the first draft and said, "Fuck it, it's fine like
this." Let me just appeal to you, M. Night... you officially
suck now and only you can stop this suckage.