SPACE: $19.99 The Much Awaited/Dreaded Sequel to Space: Behind and Between! By Jason Donner PART ONE: "THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN (OF NINE)" A far time ago in a galaxy long, long away... [THE 'STAR WARS' THEME BEGINS TO PLAY LOUDLY AS THE TITLE 'SPACE: $19.99' SLOWLY DRIFTS AWAY FROM THE CAMERA AND INTO THE BLACKNESS OF SPACE. AS IT LEAVES OUR FIELD OF VISION, THE FOLLOWING WORDS CRAWL ONTO THE SCREEN:] TWO YEARS HAVE PASSED SINCE QUINN MALLORY AND THE SLIDERS FIRST WREAKED HAVOC ON THE STARSHIP VOYAGER, OPENING A GREAT BIG WORMHOLE INTO THOUSANDS OF PARALLEL UNIVERSES AND CREATING THE BIGGEST AND THE MOST POINTLESS SCI-FI CROSSOVER OF ALL TIME. IT ALSO SPAWNED THE SICKEST AND MOST VILE OF THINGS... A ROMANCE BETWEEN PROFESSOR ARTURO AND CAPTAIN JANEWAY! NOW THE COSMIC POWERS OF THE MULTIVERSE ARE OUT OF BALANCE AGAIN (MEANING THAT THE AUTHOR IS VERY BORD AND POSSIBLY DRUNK) AND, TO COMPENSATE FOR THIS, MORE CROSSOVERS WILL HAVE TO TAKE PLACE OR ELSE THE COSMOS WILL COLLAPSE INTO OBLIVION AND THINGS WON'T BE VERY... UH... GOOD. EVEN NOW, IN THE DARKENED HALLS OF ENGINEERING, SEVEN OF NINE (WHO, IF YOU WILL RECALL, REPLACED KES BECAUSE KES DIDN'T HAVE A HUGE RACK) IS UNKNOWINGLY PUTTING THESE EVENTS INTO MOTION WITH YET ANOTHER ONE OF HER HALF-ASSED ATTEMPTS TO GET VOYAGER HOME TO THE ALPHA QUADRANT. MEANWHILE, ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE GALAXY, PRINCESS NYMPHO EYES PRINCE HUNGWELL LUSTFULLY. THEIR EYES MEET AND SHE BEGINS TO FEEL THE BURNING IN HER... [Voyager crashes through the scrolling text flinging letters all over the place. At that very moment, in Engineering, Torres spies Seven of Nine fiddling with some technogarbage thingie and demands to know what the cybernetic sex-pot is doing at her workstation.] TORRES: Seven, what are you doing at my workstation!? SEVEN: I have been reading the reports made two years ago when Voyager encountered a group of humans from the past named the sliders. I have formulated a theory that their sliding technology may be the key to sending Voyager back into the Alpha Quadrant. I also want to go on record to say that the overall parody was mildly funny, but utimatly pointless. I feel all the more dumber for reading it in the first place. TORRES: Yes, I tried opening a wormhole to the Alpha Quadrant and almost blew up the universe! Captain Janeway grounded me for a week for that one! SEVEN: Your method was flawed. I have used Borg algorithms to create a new timing device and to prove that I am much smarter and hotter than you are or will ever be, I have constructed it from an old Betamax machine and an equally useless DIVX player using only scotch tape and old chewing gum. TORRES: I hate you. SEVEN: I know. [Seven activates the wormhole.] TORRES: You did it. SEVEN: Yes, I knew I would. All that remains is to test it, otherwise it may result in the death of whoever ventures insiiiiiahhhhhhhh! [Torres "accidentally" pushes Seven of Nine inside the vortex] TORRES: Oopsie! [laughs maniacally] [Meanwhile, three hundred years in the past and only a week after the events in "SPACE: BEHIND AND BETWEEN", Quinn Mallory, Rembrandt Brown, and Wade Welles are in the Motel 12 trying to comfort the distraught Professor Maximillion Arturo who is still broken up over loosing his one true love in the universe, Captain Kathryn Janeway!] ARTURO: Oh, it's hopless to go on! I've been speared through the heart by love! Oh, woe is me! Woe is me! [He picks up a vat of vanillia ice cream and begins to eat and cry at the same time. Quinn and Rembrandt wrestle the ice cream away from him and almost loose a few fingers as a result.] QUINN: Guys, we can't go on like this! We've got to find a way to get Arturo back together with Janeway, otherwise we won't have closure and he'll be a wreck for the rest of the show! WADE: But how!? Captain Janeway is 70,000 light years across the galaxy and 300 years into the future! I mean, seriously! Do you think the key to get back there is just going to fall in our laps? [The wormhole opens in the ceiling and Seven of Nine drops into Rembrant's lap.] REMBRANDT: [to ceiling] Thank you, God! SEVEN: This is most distressing. QUINN: Who are you? SEVEN: I am Seven of Nine Teritary Adjunct of Unimatrix Theta 01. Resistance is futile, you will be assimilated. [to Rembrandt] Get your hand off my ass. WADE: Where did you come from? SEVEN: I came from a starship named Voyager. It's-- ARTURO: VOYAGER? [Gets up and shakes Seven violently] WHERE'S CAPTAIN JANEWAY!? I WANT CAPTAIN JANEWAY! TELL ME HOW I CAN GET BACK TO CAPTAIN JANEWAY! [Arturo finally stops shaking Seven who takes a few minutes to recover. She hits one side of her head and a screw falls out of her ear and to the ground.] SEVEN: I take it you know Captain Janeway, then? QUINN: We landed on Voyager last week. We're the sliders. SEVEN: You are the sliders? SLIDERS: We are. SEVEN: This is very convienent. Suspiciously convienent. Cotrived even. Not only have I found a way back to the Alpha Quadrant, I have discovered the very people responsible for the thechnology that got me here. Now, I only have one problem. REMBRANDT: What's that? SEVEN: It's a situation that causes disruption in a plan... but that's not important right now. I must find a way to return to the future and let everyone know I've found a way back to Earth. [to Quinn] You will assist me. QUINN: I will? SEVEN: You will or I will destroy you. I am borg and thus I am infinity smarter and better than you. From now on, your designation will be one of five and you will... [As Seven continues to speak, her words are drowned out by the sound of Quinn's beating heart. His eyes dilate and sweat begins to drip down his face and he begins breathing hard. We switch to Quinn's POV and we see that his eyes are transfixed on Seven of Nine's humongous round knockers. Quinn's IQ drops as the testosterone pumps through his body.] SEVEN: MALLORY!!! QUINN: [snaps back to attention] WHAT!? SEVEN: You are not paying attention to me, why is that? QUINN: Oh, uh... I was just trying to think of the breast... uh, I mean BEST way to recreate the strange round voluptuous wormhole that bought us your rack... I mean, brought us BACK together! SEVEN: We have never met. QUINN: Right, I mean... brought our two universes back together. Well, I mean we're a tits... I mean, a BIT mobile and we don't have a universe to call our home. But, none the less, we'll try our chest... BEST! SEVEN: You are a strange individual. QUINN: Yeah, sorry... I keep making boobs. [Back on Voyager, Janeway is holding a meeting to discuss a dire matter.] JANEWAY: I don't have to tell you people that this is serious trouble we're facing. Since the dissapearance of Seven of Nine the ratings have plummeted. The Executives are up in arms. Rick Berman hasn't left his office for fear of retaliation. [sits and looks at Torres] Now, tell us again, what happened to her. TORRES: [innocently] Well, it was the most curious thing, captain. You see, Seven was trying to recreate a sliding vortex and I told her she should wait and test it out, but she started in about Borg superiority and how she's soooo much better than all of us and that it was impossible for her to make a mistake. before I could stop her, she just... [sniff] ...jumped into the vortex and that was the last I saw of her. CREW: BULLSHIT! TORRES: Okay, that was kind of the way it happened. JANEWAY: Tuvok, do we have any indication of where Seven of Nine ended up? TUVOK: No. None, whatsoever. NEELIX: Guys, I just noticed something odd. PARIS: If you're wondering what that pulsating lump of crap is sitting next to you, it's Harry. He's sad. NEELIX: Why the hell is he sad? HARRY: Be.. Because, Seven was supposed to be... MY GIRLFRIEND! CHAKOTAY: Oh, JESUS! We're not starting this crap again, are we? JANEWAY: Harry... honey... I explained this to you. The reason people thought that you and Seven of Nine were going to get together was because the internet is full of stupid people who like to make conjecture and make up rumors to make people stop watching Star Trek. They watched that one little episode where Seven commanded you to take off your clothes and get busy and the rumors just flew! Kind of like the time that I found Chakotay and Tuvok on the holodeck wearing black leather and being whipped by Torres. PARIS: I never heard that one. NEELIX: Me neither. DOCTOR: That explains the whelps I've been treating. JANEWAY: Wait a second... was that a rumor or a secret? I always get those two confused. No matter. [Torres, Tuvok, and Chakotay look nervous] NEELIX: Well, as I was saying... I've noticed that our ratings have been falling like a rock since Seven dissapeared. JANEWAY: Yes? NEELIX: I also noticed that another sci-fi TV show's ratings went off the charts at the same moment that Seven vanished. And it's ratings have always sucked in comparision to ours! PARIS: THAT must be where Seven ended up! JANEWAY: That must be it! What show was it? NEELIX: Sliders! [The crew groans all except Janeway who gets up and looks out the window into the vast starfield.] JANEWAY: [Voiceover] Could it be? Could it be that fate has conspired to bring us back together? Will I be reunited with my one and only true love... not counting that Mark guy? Oh, be still by beating heart and throbbing loins. [The camera pulls back and reveals the crew staring at her.] HARRY: Does this mean the meeting's over? Cause I gotta go boom-boom. [The bridge officers start throwing wads of paper at Harry as we fade to a commercial.] --------------------------------------------------------------- Coming to video stores this Christmas, it's BATMAN AND ROBIN: THE OFFICIAL DIRECTOR'S CUT! MORE ONE LINERS! MORE UNNECESSARY SHOTS OF THE BAT-BUTT! MORE INDICATIONS THAT BATMAN AND ROBIN ARE GAY! MORE SCENES WITH FATGIRL... UH, I MEAN, BATGIRL! MORE UNNECESSARY EXPLOSIONS AND MILLION DOLLAR SETS! MORE USELESS BAT-VEHICLES THAT LAST 2 SECONDS BEFORE EXPLODING! MORE WITTY BANTER FROM MR. FREEZE! MORE SLY HUMOR FROM POISON IVY! SEE THE CUT DANCE NUMBER! SEE THE CUT SEQUENCE - "BATMAN ON ICE"! SEE THE COMPUTER ANIMATION OF WHAT IT WOULD LOOK LIKE IF JOEL SHUMACHER WAS TRAMPLED TO DEATH BY A HERD OF DISTURBED ELEPHANTS! And that's not all! DVD's come with actor's commentary! HEAR THE COMMENTARY OF GEORGE CLOONEY! "I don't know why, but for some reason, Shumacer kept grabbing my butt on the set. Said he had a 'thing' for men in black leather." HEAR THE COMMENTARY OF CHRIS O'DONNELL! "I don't know why, but Shumacer kept telling me he had a 'thing' for young boys in leather." HEAR THE COMMENTARY OF ARNOLD SCWARZENAGGER! "I don't know vhy, baht Shoe-mahker kept telling me he had a'ting' foah bohdy belhd-urs in metal suits." HEAR THE COMMENTARY OF ALICIA SILVERSTONE! "I don't know why, but, like, Shumacer didn't pay me, like, any, like, attention on the, like, set... fer sure!" HEAR THE COMMENTARY OF UMA THURMON "From now on, I only do good movies... like 'The Avengers'!" BATMAN AND ROBIN: THE DIRECTOR'S CUT! Available in the K-Mart bargain bin in packs of twenty! Buy them now! They make great doorstops and come in real handy when you need kindling! --------------------------------------------------------------- [The scene switches back to Sliders early-mid third season. Seven and Quinn are putting the finishing touches on the new crossover-timer.] QUINN: All done! SEVEN: Excellent, now all that remains is to activate the wormhole and send me back to Voyager. [Seven activates the wormhole which is in the shape of a starfleet symbol instead of the regular old circle.] QUINN: (to Seven) Showoff. ARTURO: You mean send US back to Voyager. I'm going too and you can't stop me! SEVEN: Of course... I will need a rather large test subject to make sure that the wormhole will not incinerate anything that enters the apatuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrahhhhhHHH!!! [Arturo picks up Seven and throws her into the wormhole. After a Tarzan yell, he leaps in after her and the other sliders follow. In another place, the wormhole opens and the entire group plops out onto the deck of a starship.] SEVEN: That was an incredibly stupid, stupid thing... You could have killed us all! ARTURO: Yes, but I got us back to Voyager and that's all that matters. Now I need to find Captain Janeway and have long, hot, steamy... [He looks at the other sliders] ...clams. What? What the hell did you think I was going to say? QUINN: Boy, who redecorated this ship? WADE: Whoever did needs to be fired! This retro-60's futuristic look's been out for ages! SEVEN: This is definitely and Federation ship, although... I must admit, I do not believe this is Voyager. However, since I am Borg and therefore infallible, I must assume that someone has captured Voyager and altered it's appearance! We must find this individual and destroy them utterly! REMBRANDT: Huh-huh... she said utters. QUINN: Hey, robo-babe, ever consider that you made a mistake? SEVEN: IMPOSSIBLE!!! [Seven whips out a phaser and stomps down a corridor. The sliders then hear a bloodcurdling falcetto scream and they all run to investigate. They find a man lying in the hallway curled up in a fetal position, moaning lightly.] REMBRANDT: Hey, man... you okay? CHEKOV: Vat vas that? I vas valking along and den dis wery weird voman grabbed me by mine happy place and slammed me into the vall! WADE: It's worse than we thought! We're on the wrong series! QUINN: And Seven of Nine is out to kill the Original Star Trek crew! ALL SLIDERS AND CHEKOV: [looks at Camera] BUM-BUM-BUMMMMM! TO BE CONTINUED!