SPACE: $19.99 (Is this parody REALLY nessesary?) By Jason Donner PART TWO: "THE SEARCH FOR PLOT" Previously on Space: $19.99: In an attempt to return Voyager to the Alpha Quadrant, Seven of Nine created a wormhole and ended up in the early-mid third season of sliders. She and Quinn rebuilt a new timer and slid back to what they believed would be Voyager... but it turned out to be the original Enterprise. Seven, however, brimming with Borg pride, said that she is infallible and cannot make a mistake and therefore assumed that someone captured Voyager and altered it's appearance. Phaser in hand, she set out to destroy the ones she holds responsible... the crew of classic trek! The sliders are, right now, helping Seven's first victim, Pavel Chekov, to his feet and are wondering what to do about Seven of Nine. WADE: What are we going to do about Seven of Nine? CHEKOV: Is dat who dat vas? ARTURO: What? CHEKOV: I said: is dat who dat vas? ARTURO: [ignores Chekov] Blistering idiot. We have to find out who's in charge of this vessel and tell him... WADE: ...or her... ARTURO: ...that there is a sci-fi sex symbol out to destroy his ship! CHEKOV: It vould be wery ad-wise-able to take you to Keptian Kirk. REMBRANDT: Fool, speak English! CHEKOV: I am speaking English! I am roosh-ahn! WADE: [shakes Chekov's hand] Nice to meet you, Roosh-ahn. But we have to go now. Tah! [The sliders leave Chekov behind and run after Seven of Nine. Meanwhile, in another part of the Enterprise, Seven of Nine continues to pursue her enemies. She walks by UHURA, RAND, and nurse CHAPLE, paying them no mind.] UHURA: Girls, did you see what she was wearing? RAND: [like a valley girl] Oh... mah... gowd! CHAPLE: That is so, like, hip! [As Seven continues down the hallway, every female crewman stares at her skin-tight silver cat suit and react with a mixture of suprise and "Oh, I have GOT to get one of those!"] --------------------------------------------------------------- COMMERCIAL BREAK Coming this fall to CBS, it's DUE SOUTH PARK! Eskimo: We get blubber from whales. Cartman: HEY!!! I'm not fat, you son of a bitch! Terrance: It's sure is cold, Phillip! [farts, laughs] Phillip: Yeah, being a mounty sucks ass! Stan: Oh my god! A Polar Bear is killing Kenny! Kyle: You... BASTARD!!! DUE SOUTH PARK coming this fall to CBS (Where all you "C" is "B.S.") Cartman: [wearing a Canadian Mounty Uniform] RESPECT MAH AUTHORI-TAH! --------------------------------------------------------------- [Back on Voyager, Janeway is in her ready room watching the commercial you just read.] JANEWAY: I'm going to have to tape that. CHAKOTAY: [enters] Captain, we know how to get Seven of Nine back! JANEWAY: Well, don't just stand there useless as usual! Tell me! CHAKOTAY: B'Ellanna has constucted a new timer and we've used it's tracker to lock onto the point where Seven slid to. With your permission, I would like to take an away team and get her back. JANEWAY: By all means. CHAKOTAY: [stares at her blankly] JANEWAY: That means, you can do it. CHAKOTAY: Oh... Okay... JANEWAY: And hurry! I just got a note from the suits. Our ratings have dropped so much, they’re thinking about airing reruns of Smackdown in our timeslot. CHAKOTAY: [horrified] Such a thing could destroy the intelligence of all of UPN’s viewers! JANEWAY: All ten of them! [Cut to: Engineering... Torres is putting the finishing touches on the newest new timer. Tuvok, Chakotay, and Tom are dressed in late 1990’s clothing. Tuvok is wearing a Hawaiian Shirt and one of those stupid hats that hold two beer cans and have the hoses you can drink out of (so he can cover those ears of his). Paris is wearing a "I'M WITH STUPID ->" shirt (the arrow is pointing to Chakotay at the moment) and Chakotay is wearing a T-Shirt with the words "HANSON SUCKS" across the front. Torres finishes and activates the wormhole.] PARIS: [nervously] I... uh... Changed my mind. I don't wanna go! TUVOK: This could be the only way to save Seven of Nine! PARIS: I never really liked her anyway! Screw her! TORRES: [gives Paris a high five] HELL YES!!! CHAKOTAY: [Grabs Paris by his shirt collar] LISTEN TO ME YOU ARROGANT LITTLE SNOT!!! IT'S EITHER WE FIND SEVEN OF NINE OR WE GET CANCELED AND YOU GO BACK TO DOING CHEESY GUEST SHOTS ON 'MURDER, SHE WROTE'!!! PARIS: [thinks about that] Chakotay, our ratings have never been strong, I admit that, but you have to take into consideration that we are on a fledgling network that isn't available in most areas and therefore a lot of our audience watches us in syndication which is not counted in the Neilson ratings. We had a bad couple of first seasons, but so did NextGen and Deep Space Nine... [TO CAMERA] We are not different from our predecessors, we just have a long shadow we're forced to stand in... We don't need that silver clad and highly attractive woman to up our ratings. Can't we just get by on the high-concept storylines and character development that Star Trek is famous for? CHAKOTAY: [Checks his watch] You're still going, Paris. PARIS: Dammit! TUVOK: High concept does little to advance us when people these days actually watch pieces of crap like Hercules and Xena... and like it. (I still haven't figured THAT one out!) [The three men jump into the wormhole. Meanwhile, on the original Enterprise, the sliders are still trying to find Seven of Nine to prevent her from killing anyone. They run around a corner and bump into Scotty.] SCOTTY: WILL YE WATCH WHERE YER GOIN'? ARTURO: My apologies, sir... We didn't see you. SCOTTY: Wait just a bloody sec, yer notta on th' crew roster are ye? QUINN: Doesn't anyone on this ship speak English? SCOTTY: I uhm speakin' English you daft littl' lad! WADE: Let's go find someone who can do something about Seven. REMBRANDT: Yeah, let's go. [The sliders walk away and leave Scotty standing alone.] SCOTTY: I've gotta be tellin' th' cappin' about this! [Scotty bounds to the turbolift and, a few seconds later, he is on the bridge where Chekov is already telling Captain Kirk about Seven of Nine's attack. Kirk listens, but it's fairly certain that he doesn't understand a word Chekov is saying.] CHEKOV: ...and deen dis voman in a silver suit attacked me. It vas bad... it vas wery, wery, bad! KIRK: Spock! Analysis? SPOCK: It appears to be English, captain, but I cannot assertain what Mr. Chekov is saying. SCOTTY: [pushes Checkov out of the way] Get outta th' way ya git! Cappin! There are sum intruders down below th' decks. A bunch of lads and ah lass! KIRK: Spock! Analysis? SPOCK: It appears to be English, captain, but I cannot assertain what Mr. Scott is saying. KIRK: Spock, break out the universal translator! [Spock gets out a large silvery thing and waves it in front of Scotty and Chekov as they re-tell their stories again.] SPOCK: We appear to have some intruders on board, captain. Five humans... the one dressed in a tight silver cat suit appears to be set on destroying the ship. KIRK: [drools] Mmmmm... cat suit. [The bridge crew watches as Kirk libedo lauches into Warp 9. Suddenly, he snaps out of it.] KIRK: Weeeeeeee CANNOT ALLOW... anyone to destroy... this ship. It'sssssss... where I keep...ALL my stuff. SULU: How do we find them, sir? KIRK: [takes a moment to remember who Sulu is] Simple, Mr. Sulu... How... many... women in skin tight.... CAT SUITS... are there on the... ship... anyway? It... SHOULD BE... an... easy search. [At that moment, Uhura and Rand show up on the bridge. They're wearing silver cat suits IDENTICAL to Seven of Nine's outfit. The bridge crew stare at them for a few minutes until Rand feels compelled to model her new outfit to them.] KIRK: WHAT... ARE YOU... DOING... WEARING THOSE OUTFITS!? UHURA: Aren't they great? Every woman on the ship is wearing them now instead of those old miniskirts. We saw this blond woman wearing one and we all just fell in love with them! RAND: Like, fer sure! KIRK: [drools] SPOCK: [looks at camera] I would not have predicted this. [In another place, the wormhole opens up and Chakotay, Paris, and Tuvok are heaved out onto the ground in front of a small group of people.] CHAKOTAY: Look! It's them! We've found them! It's the sliders! COLIN: Marley's ghost! Who are these people? QUINN: It looks like crewmembers from Voyager, but I know that's impossible because they're all four hundred years in the future and on the other side of the galaxy. Besides that, if that was them, it would mean that someone is writing a sequel to "Space: Behind and Between" and no one is that stupid! [Quinn is suddenly stuck by lighting. Maggie, Colin, and Rembrandt pay it no heed and, as the following lines occur, Quinn - black and smoking - gets to his feet.] REMBRANDT: What are you guys doing here? PARIS: [transfixed on Maggie] TUVOK: We are seeking Seven of Nine. MAGGIE: Who of who? CHAKOTAY: The series' bitch. COLIN: Hey, Maggie can relate to that! MAGGIE: [Smacks Colin across the face] COLIN: [Falls out of sight] MAGGIE: [screaming at Colin] I AM NOT THE SERIES' BITCH ANYMORE!!! I'VE CHANGED, DAMMIT! I AM NOT A VIOLENT AND BITCHY PERSON ANYMORE!!! HOW DARE YOU!? [Maggie starts kicking Colin in the stomach as Tuvok, Chakotay, and Paris look on. Suddenly, Chakotay looks at the timer and smacks his forehead. Colin continues to cry in pain during the following.] CHAKOTAY: Guys, we're in the wrong place! PARIS: We are? CHAKOTAY: We were aiming for Slider's early-mid third season. we've landed in late-mid Fourth Season! TUVOK: It appears that Lt. Torres made a miscalculation. CHAKOTAY: Yeah, it's almost as if she doesn't WANT us to find Seven of Nine. [Tuvok, Chakotay, and Paris look at the camera and then back at each other. Colin continues to scream and we hear Quinn yell "Come on, Colin, you little wuss! Get up and fight!"] TUVOK: We must return to Voyager and get the correct co-ordinates. CHAKOTAY: [Watches Maggie beating the crap out of Colin for a few seconds] All right, I've seen enough here. [Chakotay activates the wormhole and jumps in. Tuvok and Paris follows. Colin manages to get to his hands and knees as Maggie lunges for him again. She trips over his quivering form and falls into the wormhole but not before grabbing Colin by the back of the neck causing him to fall in too.] QUINN: We've got to go-- [The wormhole snaps shut] QUINN: --after them... D'oh! REMBRANDT: Does this mean we can get Wade and the professor back now? DAVID PECKINPAH: NEVER!!! BWAH HAW HAW HAAAAAAAAW!!! [Quinn and Remmy stare at David until he finally slithers back to wherever he came from.] REMBRANDT: Well, so much for Maggie and Colin, Quinn. Wait a second... Colin... Quinn.... COLIN QUINN! I can't believe I didn't notice that until now! QUINN: That's freaky. [Meanwhile, back on the original Enterprise, the sliders are still trying to seek out Seven of Nine when they round a corner and come face to face with Chekov and a security team.] CHEKOV: You vill sah-rend-dah, or ve vill be forced to... [One of the security teams shoots all of the sliders with a phaser. They crumple to the deck unconscious.] CHEKOV: ...Choot you. [Slaps security guard on the back of the head.] I vasn't finished varning dem! GUARD: What? CHEKOV: I said I vasn't finished varning dem! GUARD: I though you said shoot them! Can't you speak English? [Quinn manages to awaken a bit. He looks at the camera.] QUINN: BUM-BUM-BUMMMMMM! [Quinn passes out] TO BE CONTINUED!