SPACE: $19.99 (But for a limited time, I'll let it go for $14.99 plus S&H) By Jason Donner PART THREE: "THE ATTACK OF THE SKIN-TIGHT SILVER CAT SUITS" Seven of Nine was united with the Sliders who all accidentally ended up on Kirk's Enterprise which Seven believes to be Voyager - altered by an alien force she intends to destroy. The sliders tried to stop her, but were phasered by Chekov's security team. Meanwhile, unable to withstand the drop in ratings that accompanied Seven of Nine's disappearance, Janeway ordered Paris, Tuvok, and Chakotay to track her down. Unfortunately, they ended up in the wrong season of Sliders and accidentally took Colin and Maggie back with them. Just this moment, the Voyager team is arriving back in engineering as Torres and Janeway look on. TORRES: Look! Our team is arriving in engineering! JANEWAY: As we look on, no less! [Tuvok, Chakotay, Paris, Colin, and Maggie are heaved out onto the deck. Colin immediately stands and begins fondling every control he can get his mitts onto] COLIN: This is so neato! How does this work? Can I take this apart? Oooo, what's that? What's this for? [looks at warp core] Look at that great big lava lamp! That's f-[BLEEP!]-king amazing! JANEWAY: [Looks at Colin, then at Chakotay, then back at Colin, and back to Chakotay] What the hell is THAT? CHAKOTAY: Sorry captain, it was an accident! They fell in the wormhole with us! MAGGIE: All right, I demand to know who we are and where we've taken you! TUVOK: I believe you mean that you what you know who we and where we've taken you. MAGGIE: [slaps Tuvok silly] THAT'S WHAT I SAID, YOU STUPID-ASS PIXIE!!! JANEWAY: [steps in front of Maggie as Colin skips by in the background still giddy over all of the futuristic junk around him] I'm captain Janeway of the Federation Starship Voyager. MAGGIE: That's quiet a long name, Captain Voyager. JANEWAY: [stares at Maggie] Who are you? MAGGIE: Maggie Beckett... Slider. That thing swinging from the rafters over there is Colin Mallory. JANEWAY: You can't be a slider! I've met the sliders and you ain't one of 'em! MAGGIE: I joined the team during the dark days after Arturo was killed. JANEWAY: [in shock, she stares at Maggie] K-Killed? MAGGIE: Yes, a horrible, horrible death... He writhed in pain as he bled internally and I'm fairly certain that he was still conscious and quite self-aware when the pulsar began to set his body aflame in a radioactive inferno. JANEWAY: My... Maxy! Oooooooo! [She faints into Tuvok's arms.] CHAKOTAY: WOW! I think this means I'm in charge! [Chakotay starts dancing in a circle singing, "I'm in cha-arge! I'm in cha-arge! I'm in cha-arge! I'm in cha-arge!"] JANEWAY: [awakens] Not while I'M alive you're not. COLIN: [off camera] What does this do? [A phaser beam leaps out and hits Paris right square in the butt. He jumps up and down howling in pain.] COLIN: NEAT-O!!! [Paris runs out of the room to sickbay.] JANEWAY: That does it, Chakotay! I want you to send these two back to where they came from and BOY, do I mean NOW! TORRES: [stomping on the timer - she picks it up and hands it to Janeway] I'm afraid that's impossible, captain. It looks like the timer burned up on re-entry! JANEWAY: It looks more like you stomped on it until you were certain that we couldn't use it to bring Seven of Nine back! TORRES: Yeah... and we accidentally jettisoned all of our scientific equipment into space that we used to make the timers in the first place... DOCTOR: [laughing loudly and hysterically - filtering through the bulkheads] MR. PARIS, YOU GOT SHOT WHERE!? TORRES: Well, that's that... If anyone needs me, I'll be in the Mess Hall! [Exunt Torres] JANEWAY: I suppose we will just have to wait and see if Seven of Nine can find her way back to us on her own. It shouldn't be too hard for her. After all, she's very intelligent. CHAKOTAY: And have you ever noticed that rack? MAGGIE: I bet she can't top these babies! [points at her bazzoms] CHAKOTAY: Wha! JANEWAY: [To audience] Is there anyone we haven't offended yet? [The silhouette of a man gets up in the foreground] MAN: I haven't been offended yet! JANEWAY: And you are? MAN: Harold Johnson. Member of the ASPCA. [Scene suddenly switches to the Mess Hall where Neelix is carefully and lovingly petting a small white kitten. He gives it a kiss and then puts it in a blender and hits liquefy. Cut back to Engineering] JANEWAY: How about now? MAN: BURN IN HELL, JANEWAY!!! BURN IN HELL ALL OF YOU!!! JANEWAY: Ladies and Gentlemen... WE HAVE OFFENDED EVERYONE!!! [All over the ship, parties break out as the words "EVERYONE OFFENDED" flashes on all of the consoles. Confetti and multi-colored balloons begin to fall from the ceiling. We go back to Janeway, who is not joining the merriment.] JANEWAY: [thinking] But does it matter? Does anything matter now that I know that the love of my life, Maximillion Arturo, is... dead? Oh, if I could but join him! [a pause] Forget I said that. I have to take my anguish out on someone. But... who? [a pause] I'VE GOT IT!!! [Janeway walks over and turns off the 'EVERYONE OFFENDED' alarm.] TUVOK: [Taking off a party hat] Captain? JANEWAY: [speaking in an amplified satanic voice] THERE SHALL BE NO MORE PARTYING ON MY SHIP, MR. TUVOK!!! FROM THIS POINT ON, VOYAGER IS A HELL SHIP AND I AM YOUR CAPTAIN!!! PREPARE FOR A VOYAGE INTO THE DEPTHS OF HADES!!! NAMELESS ENGINEERING GUY: You're taking us to Euro-Disney? [Lazer beams shoot out of Janeway's eyes and vaporizes the engineering guy. Colin stops and stares. Maggie does the same.] MAGGIE: Mom? [In another time, Priest Vito Cornelius from the movie, 'The Fifth Element' awakens from a deep sleep. He is near panic and sweating bullets.] Cornelius: The evil... The evil has returned! [Meanwhile - and by "meanwhile", I mean, a hundred years ago... but I guess, in the grand scheme of the universe, a hundred years ago COULD be considered meanwhile - the sliders are waking up in sickbay under the care of Doctor McCoy. Kirk and Spock enter - pausing momentarily to gawk at Nurse Chapel's skin tight silver cat suit.] SPOCK: Doctor McCoy, Captain Kirk wishes an update on the patient's condition. McCOY: DAMMIT, SPOCK! I'M A DOCTOR, NOT A DOCT- Oh... Okay. [McCoy walks over and presses a few buttons on the biobed display that keeps going "whoom-whoom-whoom" all the time] SPOCK: Well? McCOY: I still can't shut off that damned "whoom-whoom-whoom" noise! SPOCK: Doctor... the patients? McCOY: Very well... I'm afraid I haven't been able to revive them yet. I'm sure if I could, they could tell us who they are and where they come from and THEN we could kill them. Have you been able to find the silver space babe yet? SPOCK: Not yet, but I am sure that she is the key to this mystery. McCOY: What are you suggesting? SPOCK: You said that line too early. McCOY: Did I? I'm sorry, go ahead. SPOCK: Drastic action must be taken. [a pause] Okay, now you can say it. McCOY: Okay. [clears throat] What are you suggesting? SPOCK: A mind meld, doctor. I must prepare. [Meanwhile, in another part of the Enterprise, we see a cute and defensless tribble crawling on the deck of a corridor. Suddenly, a foot smashes it. We pan slowly up the leg of that person revealing that it is Seven of Nine holding a phaser and looking quite peeved. She rounds a corner and comes face to face with Uhura wearing the same outfit. She looks at Uhura for a second in confusion.] SEVEN: I see that you have assimilated my fashion sense. An admirable trait not too often seen in humans. I commend you. UHURA: [tugging on the rear of her suit] Commend me later. This metallic fabric is hell when it rides up. I'm going back to my miniskirt! [Seven watches Uhura leave. As she does so, a tear rolls down her cheek.] SEVEN: Insult my clothing will you? Now you will all pay! [Seven turns another corner and happens upon a redshirt.] SEVEN: You will take me to the engine room, now. REDSHIRT: And what if I don't? [CUT TO: A wide angle shot of the Enterprise in space. We hear a falsetto scream, then we cut back to Seven and the Redshirt] SEVEN: I trust I have made myself clear? REDSHIRT: Yes! Yes! Just put away that copy of "The Avengers"! I'll do as you say! Please! It's horrible! [The redshirt takes Seven to engineering. Meanwhile, Spock is mind-melding with Quinn.] SPOCK: I sense... a yearning desire. McCOY: A desire? SPOCK: Yes, a desire... I feel... a want, a need. McCOY: My god man, for what? SPOCK: [eyes wide open] I WANT A WOMAN!!! [Spock goes bonkers, throws Nurse Chapel over his shoulder and crashes through one of the sickbay walls leaving a Spock-shaped hole. At this moment, Quinn suddenly and conveniently wakes up.] QUINN: ...the hell am I? McCOY: You're in sickbay aboard the USS Enterprise NCC-1701. QUINN: Why do I feel so funky? McCOY: You've must mind-melded with a Vulcan who, for some reason, just ran out of here like Flo-Jo. Said something about... wanting a woman. QUINN: [shocked] He must have absorbed my libido! McCOY: [shocked] ...that means! QUINN: [shocked] He's as girl crazy as I am! McCOY: [shocked] I'm shocked! QUINN: [shocked] Me too, but that's probably because I just stuck my finger in a power socket. [In another time, Priest Vito Cornelius has found Corbin Dallas, and gal-pal Leelo] CORNELIUS: The evil has returned and we must stop it! CORBIN: That's impossible, we destroyed it! CORNELIUS: Evil is easy and has many forms. It has possessed the body of Captain Janeway of the Federation Starship Voyager. LEELO: Must stop evil again. CORNELIUS: We will. With the six elements! CORBIN: Six? I thought there were only five. You know, earth, wind, fire, water, and Leelo here. CORNELIUS: I have recently discovered a sixth element. LEELO: Tell us, Cornelius! CORNELIUS: It's is called.... SPAM! CORBIN: Uh-huh. CORNELIUS: Pack your things, we must go to Voyager. LEELO: I'll get my diaphragm. [Meanwhile, in egineering...] SEVEN: This is engineering? REDSHIRT: Yeah. SCOTTY: Can I help ye? SEVEN: What language does this entity speak? REDSHIRT: He says it's English, but I don't know... SCOTTY: Ye canna jus' barge inah here without askin', lass! Ya' needah clearance or something! [Seven walks up to Scotty] SEVEN: I want to destroy this ship. You will assist me or be destroyed. Resistance is futile. SCOTTY: I willah not! Ya canna force me ta dew anything! SEVEN: You will assist me or I will kill you slowly and painfully using.... THIS!!! [Seven pulls out a copy of "THE AVENGERS" movie. Scotty scoffs.] SCOTTY: Ya canna threaten me, lass! SEVEN: We shall see. [Seven fires up a VCR and begins to play the movie. Five seconds later, the Redshirt's head has melted into a puddle of goo on the floor and Scotty has become a babbling idiot.] SCOTTY: Sean... Connery... Teddy Bear suit... Can't be true! CAN'T BE TRUE!!! SEVEN: You will assist me is destroying this ship now. SCOTTY: Aye, I will... Life isn'tah worth livin' no more. [Seven and Scotty go to work rigging the engines to blow up. Seven looks at the camera and, without any emotion at all, she says:] SEVEN: Bum-Bum-Bummmmm. TO BE CONTINUED...