SPACE: $19.99 The sequel to the parody that you probably didn't like in the first place. By Jason Donner PART FOUR: "HELL IS A PLACE CALLED VOYAGER" When Seven of Nine and the Sliders landed on Kirk's Enterprise, Seven believed that Voyager had been taken over and redecorated by aliens and that she must destroy them. The Sliders tried to stop her, but were phasered by a security team and taken to sickbay where Spock mind-melded with Quinn to learn where the sliders came from only to absorb Quinn's libedo and take off with Nurse Chaple to make whoopie. In the meantime, Seven of Nine managed to torture Scotty with a VHS copy of "The Avengers" and convinced him to blow up the Enterprise's engines. Back on Voyager, an attempt to retrieve Seven of Nine from the Slider's time did nothing but muck up the plot a little by accidentally landing Maggie and Colin in the 24th century from whom Janeway learned of the death of her snuggle-bun, Maximillion Arturo who is - unknown to her - actually a prisioner on the Enterprise. Upon hearing the news, an evil entity possesed Janeway's body compelling her to be mean and nasty to her own crew. ED BRADLEY: So, what is this evil and how does it affect the story? For those answers we now turn to Doctor Oliver Closeoff, an expert in the field of evil nasty things. [We see the doctor sitting at his desk.] DOCTOR CLOSEOFF: Good evening. Back in the dark ages... 1920-ish to be exact, an evil genie descended upon the Earth and granted the power of ultimate evil upon three people. Joseph Stalin, Adolph Hitler, and Arkansas native, Cletus Buford T. Bumstead the Third. When combined, these three evil people would have the power to conquer not only the universe, but the multiverse as well. However, since Mr. Bumstead died prematurely after eating a can of tainted tomato sauce, the other two evils, Hitler and Stalin, were - as 17% of all American high school students know - ultimately defeated. ED BRADLEY: Thank you Dr. Closeoff. And now for a rebuttal, we go to the distinguished gentleman from South Carolina, Senator Al Colhalic. SENATOR COLAHALIC: The evil was NOT defeated! Instead, it morphed into non-corporeal entities that will someday inhabit three more people sometime in the future... like one has inhabited the body of Captain Janeway. When these people join forces, all good in the multiverse will be obliterated. ED BRADLEY: And now for closing arguments: Jonnie Cochrane. COCHRANE: But who else will the evil infect and, if someone is infected, is there a way to free them? [A Cupid appears and shoots Cochrane through the heart with an arrow.] CUPID: The evil is repulsed by loooooove. If someone has loooove in their heart, the evil will leave. But if someone is filled with hate, the evil will grow strong and evilier. Janeway's only hope is to fall in looooove. ED BRADLEY: Thank you, but that's all the time we have for tonight. Join us back here next time for the television news magazine: AUDIENCE: "WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING!?" [The TV switches off and the camera pulls back to reveal NEELIX watching from a nearby wall monitor in the mess hall.] NEELIX: So THAT'S what's going on! I've gotta go tell Chakotay! [Neelix turns around and comes face to face with...] JANEWAY: [Amplified satanic voice] HELLO NEELIX. NEELIX: [Short falcetto scream] Oh, captain! H-How are you? JANEWAY: HIDEOUSLY EVIL!!! NEELIX: Y-You know what you need? I little coffee... How about I go and... JANEWAY: I HAVE A BETTER IDEA. NEELIX: You (gulp!) do? JANEWAY: YESSSSSSSS... [On the bridge, it is indeed a gruesome sight. The walls are now covered with grimy gray stones, there are a few torches and gothic statues with red glowing eyes, and Harry is chained to the wall along with a few extras. Maggie is sitting in the chair that used to belong to Chakotay who now has to sit on the floor.] CHAKOTAY: You know, Tuvok, I'm beginning to think that this may be a little more than just another one of Captain Janeway's bad moods. TUVOK: Indeed. What are you suggesting? CHAKOTAY: Come on, Tuvok... Look around you! She's turned the bridge into a dungeon. She's converted the holodecks into a mass penetetary for disobediant or annoying crewmembers. She's turned sickbay into a torture chamber, for God's sake! And what about this Maggie Beckett person? She's on the ship for ten minutes and Janeway gives her a starfleet commision AND my chair just to hack me off! MAGGIE: Actually, I'm a captain... But I'm scared of Janeway so I'll just settle for Commander. [Colin walks in wearing a copy of the Wesley Crusher/Rainbow Brite "Acting Ensign" uniform from the first season of NextGen.] COLIN: I feel ridiculous. CHAKOTAY: What about him? "Acting" Ensign Colin Mallory? Come on! What kind of a Captain takes an annoying kid and makes him a member of the bridge crew for no good reason? TUVOK: Are you suggesting...? [The bridge suddenly grows quiet as everyone leans over to hear what Tuvok is about to say.] TUVOK: ...mutiny? BRIDGE CREW: (GASP!) TUVOK: Commander, Captain Janeway is only making the ship more disiplined through strictness. It is not unusual for a captain to do so and to suggest that a mutiny is needed is highly illogical. [Suddenly, the tempurature in the room drops sharply and the voice of Satan is heard speaking verses backwards. Paris, at the helm, wimpers like a little puppy as he and everyone else on the bridge slowly gazes upon the doors of the turbolift. A hellish red light shines through the crack in the door as, somewhere in the distance, a wolf howls.] COLIN: By the pricking of my thumb, something evil this way comes. [The doors to the turbolift slide open revealing a wall of fire. Demons sing latin in unison as the fire slowly dies to reveal Janeway and Neelix in a starfleet security uniform, rank: Lt. Commander. Janeway slowly strides onto the bridge, each breath she takes sounds like a low glutternal growl as she scans the room - her gaze piercing the souls of everyone she looks upon. Slowly, an evil grin crosses her face and she says:] JANEWAY: [normal, yet evil voice] My friends, I have an announcement to make. I'd like you to say hello to our new security chief, Lt. Commander Neelix. TUVOK: [picks jaw up off the ground] Captain. Am I to understand that... NEELIX is to be in command of security from now on? JANEWAY: Yes. TUVOK: Then, if I may ask, what are MY duties now? JANEWAY: Ask... the crew assignment officer. TUVOK: [puts hands on his hips] And WHO is that? JANEWAY: [points to Colin who is standing there all scared with his knees knocking together] HIM!!! TUVOK: Captain, this is highly illogical. I-- JANWAY: [Roars an unholy roar] [The roar shakes the entire ship with such a ferocity that even Tuvok cowers in fear. Janeway's head splits open and a flaming orange skull comes out of her head.] JANEWAY: [Satanic Voice] YOU WILL NOT QUESTION THE ORDERS OF THE SUPREME LORD OF EVIL, VULCAN!!! !!!SSA RUOY KCIK LLIW I !!!LIVED EHT MA I ,EM PIHSROW ,EM RAEF !!!EGASSEM LANIMILBUS A SI SIHT !!!YENOM RUOY LLA NOTSAG NOSAJ EVIG [Janeway's incantation calls forth several wraiths that circle Tuvok who is, by now, screaming like a little girl.] TUVOK: I'LL DO AS YOU SAY, CAPTAIN!!! [Everything turns back to normal] JANEWAY: [normal sweet voice] Good. I'll be in my ready room. [Exunt Satan... Uh, I mean Janeway.] TUVOK: [still shaken] Okay, Chakotay... I agree. The bitch must die! CHAKOTAY: Agreed. Who's with us!? MAGGIE: I don't know, Chakotay. Captain Janeway reminds me of my mother. CHAKOTAY: Captain Beckett... How long do you think it's going to be before the Captain of Darkness decides to take her wrath out on you! Imagine what she'll do to you... Latrine duty? Waste Extraction Duty? Breast reduction surgery? MAGGIE: NO!!! [to her boobs] Don't listen to him, boys. I'll protect you. [to Chakotay] Okay, I'm in. COLIN: I am in as well. PARIS: Count me in. KIM: I want my old Auntie Janeway back! I'm in! COLIN: So, what's the plan? TUVOK: We must kill Captain Janeway. NEELIX: NO! It's not Captain Janeway's fault! She's been taken over by an evil non coporeal entity that possessed Hitler back in the 1930's. All we have to do is make Janeway fall in love again and it'll leave her body forever! CHAKOTAY: Come on, Neelix! Everyone knows that Janeway loves Professor Arturo only... and he's dead! TUVOK: Not necessarily. COLIN: What do you mean, pixie? TUVOK: VULCAN!!! I AM A VULCAN, NOT A PIXIE!!! CHAKOTAY: Tuvok, shut up and explain before Captain Beelzebub comes back! TUVOK: We tracked Seven of Nine to the Slider's universe early-mid third season where Professor Arturo is still alive. PARIS: Yes, but she disappeared before we could find her. We don't know where she or the professor went to! TUVOK: I suggest that we use the main deflector to create an augmented tachyon field in conjunction with the Borg multiphasic transdimensional technology that will create un ulta-resonant feedback stream that will... [As Tuvok continues to explain, the camera zooms in on Chakotay.] CHAKOTAY: [thinking] Ugh, technobabble. So... boring. Interest... fading. Faaaading... Faaaaaaaaading. [Chakotay drops to the floor unconscious. No one notices.] TUVOK: ...through which we can probe the multiverse and find Seven of Nine. After which we can use the subspace antennae to create a wormhole to her position that she can ride back through and return to the ship along with the sliders. NEELIX: Excellent. Take your plans to Torres, Lieutenant. Tell her to proceed when ready. TUVOK: Yessir. [Tuvok turns to leave, realizes that he just called Neelix, "sir", shutters, and then continues on his way. Meanwhile, hundreds of thousands of light years away, Corbin Dallas, Leelo, and Priest Vito Cornelius are headed towards the evil in a small spaceship with the six elements.] LELOO: Please, Corbin! CORBIN: NO! You should have thought about that before we left. Now, you'll just have to sit there and hold it! LELOO: [Gives him the finger] CORNELIUS: Oh! CORBIN: What? What is it? CORNELIUS: The evil is getting stronger! Another person's been possessed! That makes two! CORBIN: Two!? Okay, I know about Captain Janeway... but who's the other? CORNELIUS: I can't tell, but whoever it is, he's been drawn by the hatred on Voyager. He, in turn, hates Voyager as well, but I cannot tell who this person is. It's quite distressing. We are the universe's only hope. Isn't that exciting? Huh, Corbin? what do you...? Hey, where'd you...!? [Cornelius turns back to face Corbin who, while the priest was rambling, has jumped into the back seat with Leelo to make whoopee.] CORNELIUS: We are soooooo doomed. --------------------------------------------------------------- COMMERCIAL BREAK [We see the crew of the Enterprise-D in a shuttle craft. Picard and Beverly are sitting near the back. Picard, who has been snoozing quitely, suddenly wakes up] CRUSHER: Jean Luc, are you all right? PICARD: Yes. I guess... I just feel funny leaving the Enterprise unmanned for a whole week to test the autonomous defense programs. CRUSHER: I can understand why. PICARD: Beverly, did we remember to lock out the bridge controls? CRUSHER: Yes. PICARD: How... How about the main shuttlebay? Did we remember to shut the main shuttlebay doors? CRUSHER: Uh... Yeah. PICARD: The oddest thing. I have this awful fear that I've forgotten something. CRUSHER: Hmm. PICARD: How about the holodecks? Did we shut down the holodecks? CRUSHER: The holodecks? YES! That's it. We forgot to shut down the holodecks. That's what we forgot to do. Now, lay back and relax! This is a vacation after all. [Picard nods and, with some trepidation, leans back and tries to go back to sleep. Suddenly, he bolts upright and with alarm, he yells:] PICARD: WESLEY!!! WE FORGOT WELSEY!!! [Cut to the bridge. Wesley slaps both sides of his face and screams like Macualy Culkin.] ANNOUNCER: WIL WHEATON stars in John Hugh's HOME ALONE: THE NEXT GENERATION!!! [Cut to various sceens of Wesley springing several booby traps to snare Romulans, Feringi, Cardassians, and Borg.] WESLEY: YES!!! ANNOUNCER: HOME ALONE: THE NEXT GENERATION!!! Coming to a theater near you!!! [Back in the shuttle, Picard has buried his head in his hands as the other crewmembers try to console him.] WORF: If it makes you feel any better, I forgot my Bat'leth. --------------------------------------------------------------- [On the original Enterprise, Spock is getting dressed in Nurse Chaple's quarters. Chaple breezes into the room wearing a robe.] CHAPLE: You were wonderful, Spock. The passion... the intensity... the... the... STAMINA!!! SPOCK: My apologies, Nurse Chaple, I was not myself. I accidentally absorbed Quinn Mallory's libedo while I mind melded with him. It was a mistake. I am better now. CHAPLE: A MISTAKE!? YOU SON OF A...!!! [throws a vase at him] GET OUT!!! GET OUT OF MY QUARTERS RIGHT NOW!!! I HATE YOU!!! I HATE YOU!!! [Chaple throws Spock out into the corridor. Crewmembers who walk by stare and wonder why Spock isn't wearing any pants and ponder why a Vulcan is wearing boxers with heart shapes on them.] SPOCK: [to crewman] Carry on. [In sickbay, the sliders have awakened and are being questioned by Kirk who demands to know who they are, where they came from, and where the big breasted silver clad space babe is.] KIRK: I demand to know who you are, where you came from, and where the big breasted silver clad space babe is! QUINN: We don't know! We hardly know the woman! [Spock walks in.] SPOCK: Captain, the bridge has noted a typical energy emissions from the stern. KIRK: [waving him off] That's nice, Spock. SPOCK: Also, the engines will explode in ten minutes. KIRK: Whatever. [to Sliders] Now, you will tell me what that silver space babe is doing on my ship. ARTURO: Captain Kirk, My name is Maximillian Arturo. I am a professor from a parallel universe in the past. Me and my colleges here are travelling from universe to universe on a quest to find our home. A week ago, we were catapulted to the future and across 70,000 light years and ended up 300 years from our time - 100 from yours - on a federation starship called Voyager on which we prevented the destruction of the entire multiverse. However, while I was there, I fell in love with the Captain of the Voyager, Kathryn Janeway, and thus, when Seven of Nine - the woman who you seek - came to us from two years into Voyager's future, we decided to help her get home. However, we ended up here. KIRK: [looks up from a MAD Magazine] You done? ARTURO: Almost. KIRK: [sighs and starts reading again] ARTURO: When we landed here, Seven of Nine thought that Voyager had been taken over and altered in her absence and has, thus, set out to stop whoever she believes is responsible. We tried to stop her, but were stunned before we could do anything. SPOCK: You say that this Seven of Nine wishes to destroy us? ARTURO: Yes. SPOCK: That could explain it. KIRK: Explain what? [Spock points to a display on the sickbay wall that says, "THE SHIP WILL EXPLODE IN EIGHT MINUTES. HAVE A NICE DAY."] KIRK, SPOCK, ARTURO, QUINN, REMBRANDT, WADE, & CHAPLE: [looks at camera] Bum-Bum-Bummmmm. TO BE CONTINUED...