SPACE $19.99 (It's a year late! So sue me!) by Jason Donner PART SIX: "ENTERITH THE DORK" When last we saw our heroes, Enterprise and the sliders had accidentally pulled Voyager back to the 23rd century and Janeway, who's been possessed by one of three evil genies, has decided to kill the Voyager crew for disobedience - including Maggie Beckett and Colin Mallory! [On Voyager, Janeway is mere seconds from roasting her own crew when suddenly, there is the sound of classic trek transporter whine] DORK: Awwwww... why does Sci-Fi Channel put in soooo many commercials? [Not THAT kind of classic trek whine, you dork! Kirk, Spock, Scotty, Quinn, Wade, Arturo, Rembrandt, and Seven of Nine beam onto the bridge. Janeway whirls around ready to torch the newcomers when she sees Arturo.] JANEWAY: Max? ARTURO: Kathy? JANEWAY: Oh, MAX! ARTURO: Oh, KATHY! [The scene slows to slow motion as Janeway and Arturo run to embrace each other.] Music: Why do birds suddenly appear, everytime... you are near? [As the music plays, we see various sections of Voyager return to normal as the evil entity is forced out of Captain Janeway's body. The stone walls and shackles of the bridge melt away and Voyager returns to normal.] JANEWAY: Oh, MAX! ARTURO: Oh, KATHY! [Janeway and Arturo are just a few feet apart now and we see the crew of Voyager, the crew of Enterprise, and the Sliders smiling at the site of the reunited lovers. The camera pans past Maggie who is checking her watch and the Dork who is picking his nose.] [We switch the Janeway's POV and see her arms outstreched ready to embrance Arturo when suddenly, KIRK steps between them and smiles at Janeway.] KIRK: Hi, I don't think we've been introduced. I'm James T. Kirk. [The music grinds to a halt as Arturo trips in the background and flattens Colin.] JANEWAY: THE James T. Kirk!? KIRK: THE one and only! [Janeway and Kirk exchance leering glances.] ARTURO: Excuse me! I'm still here! JANEWAY: Just a minute, Max. [to Kirk] I never thought I'd meet a living legend like you. KIRK: [kisses Janeway's hand] The pleasure is all mine. [Scotty and Spock roll their eyes. Seven of Nine pushes them out of the way.] SEVEN: I have returned. HARRY: Hooray! Seven it's so good to see you again. SEVEN: Hello, ensign. Have we been introduced? HARRY: Of course we've been introduced! I'm Harry! SEVEN: You are not that harry. HARRY: I'm KIM! Harry Kim! SEVEN: [shakes his hand] Nice to meet you Larry. [Seven walks off] HARRY: But it's... uh... Harry.... nevermind. ARTURO: [to Janeway] Kathy! It's me! Maximillion! Sugarlumps? JANEWAY: [to Kirk, ignoring Arturo] So, I take it you're the one who brought Voyager to the 23rd century? ARTURO: Schnookybumps? KIRK: [also ignoring Arturo] I am. ARTURO: Doodlekins? DORK: [Ignoring Arturo and hygene] This is so contrived. TORRES: Who the hell are you anyway? DORK: My name is not important. What matters is that I am a Star Trek fan who believes that all new Star Trek is crap! Especially THIS show! I mean, come on! Give me a break! A starship lost on the far side of the galaxy in unknown space but STILL looking for new aliens and phenomenon! All of those new lifeforms and new civilizations and strange new worlds are completely against everything Gene Roddenberry would have wanted! TORRES: You knew Gene? DORK: Uh... well, no. PARIS: [after a second] God, YOU'RE a moron! DORK: [popping a zit] Oh really? Well, I've been watching this show since day one and you're the biggest idiot on board.. uh... you big idiot! PARIS: Wait a second... wait a second. You hate the show, yet you watch it anyway!? DORK: [nods] I have to keep track of this Star Trek bastarization so we can finally convince Paramount to SAVE STAR TREK! PARIS: Oh, so you want to Save Star Trek? How? DORK: By getting Paramount to cancel Voyager and not make any new Star Trek at all. PARIS: Okay, let me see if I have all of this straight. You hate all new Star Trek but watch it anyway so that you can report all of what's wrong with Star Trek to all of the other fans so that all of you can convince Paramount to save Star Trek by canceling it and never making any new Star Trek ever again all while it would be more efficient to just not watch the show at all and thus, communicate your disapproval that way? DORK: Not watch Star Trek!? Are you mad!? PARIS: God, you're an IDIOT! DORK: We'll see who the idiot is, helmboy! [Thank god, the Dork finally leaves. We pan past Kirk and Janeway who are still locked in conversation and to the sliders: Quinn, Rembrandt, Wade, Arturo, and Colin, and Maggie.] MAGGIE: God, Quinn. I'm so glad to see you! QUINN: Who the hell are you two? MAGGIE: Maggie Beckett! COLIN: And Colin Mallory! I'm your brother! QUINN: You can't be my brother! I have no brother! You don't even look like me! You're too tall and dopey looking! And you... Maggie Whoever-You-Are... How do you know who I am? MAGGIE: Oh boy, this is going to be hard to explain and I don't think that I should explain it since we could screw up your future timeline. QUINN: You mean you're from the future!? My future!? MAGGIE: [a pause] SHIT! COLIN: Maggie, you should be quiet less Quinn discover how you joined the team and what happens to [points to the professor] "you-know-who" QUINN: [bug-eyed] OH MY GOD! Something happens to the professor!? He got killed and Maggie here took his place, right!? MAGGIE: Gee, Colin... You really screwed the pooch on that one. QUINN: WHAT!? Wade is kidnapped by Kromaggs who conquered Earth Prime and sent me, Rembrandt, and Maggie on a quest to find my true homeworld because I a really from another dimension and, on the way, we found my long lost brother Colin!? [Maggie and Colin stare at him.] MAGGIE: Okay, THAT was not fair! KIRK: [to Janeway] ...so, while you're in my time, consider yourselves our guests [he kisses her hand], lovely Captain Janeway. JANEWAY: [blushes] Oh... tee hee! ARTURO: This is terrible! My love has fallen for that lecherous looser! KIRK: Who are you calling a looser!? JANEWAY: [thinking] Oh no, Max is right! I AM smitten with James Kirk! How can I choose!? Max is charming and we have a history together, but Kirk is handsome and is from the same franchise. Plus, I've heard [she licks her lips] "stories" about Kirk. [speaking aloud] Max... Jim... I.. uh, have to go to my ready room. [thinking] I have to think about this. Who do I love!? [speaking aloud] All of Voyager's conveniences are at your disposal. [thinking] If you need anything, ask Commander Chakotay. [speaking aloud] Meanwhile, I shall have to decide who I love more, KIRK or ARTURO! [Everyone looks at her] Why is everyone looking at me!? CHAKOTAY: You just said you have to decide whether you love Kirk or Arturo. JANEWAY: Oh my GOD! Chakotay can read my thoughts! SPOCK: We can all hear you, captain! JANEWAY: Ahh! everyone can hear my thoughts! I've gotta get outta here! [She runs to her ready room, lock the door, and hides under her desk clutching her teddy] ------------------------------------------------------------------------ COMMERCIAL BREAK ANNOUNCER: Austin Powers is back! AUSTIN: Yeah, baby! Yeah! [We see sexy harlot ALOTTA FAGINA approaching a golden statue of a cat in the Egyptian section of a museum.] ANNOUNCER: And this time, the fate of the world is in his hands! ALOTTA FAGINA: When I posses this golden cat, I will rule the world! AUSTIN: [jumping down from the ceiling] Not so fast, baby! ALOTTA FAGINA: [breaks the glass and takes the cat] You're too late, Mister Powers! [Lightning crashes and the skies grow dark. Austin looks up and then back at Alotta and raises an eyebrow.] ANNOUNCER: With MIKE MYERS as Austin Powers! AUSTIN: It's a swinging shindig, baby, and it freaks me out! [Alotta Fagina is using the golden cat statue to vaporize world leaders.] ALOTTA: HA HA HA!!! ANNOUNCER: AUSTIN POWERS: THE GIRL WITH THE GOLDEN PUSSY Coming soon to a theater near you! JACK VALENTI: [looking at the movie poster] Waaaaaait a minute! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [EXT: SPACE SHOT - Voyager and the Enterprise are traveling side-by-side.] SCOTTY: Chief Engineer's top-secret diary stardate 1234.5. We... wait a minute... 1234.5? That's amazing! Let's celebrate! [There is the sound of scotch being drunk and a loud belch. Scotty continues the log noticeably drunk] In my... (hic!) continuing quest to return everyone to their proper timelines, I am working with the chief engineer of Voyager to modify a transporter. In the meantime... these damn pink elephants keep stealing my boxers. Damn... (mumble mumble) elephants. [In the Enterprise transporter room, Scotty has passed out on the transporter pad in a chunky pool of his own sick. Torres enters and looks at him in disgust. She walks over and kicks him in the head.] Torres: Wake up! Scotty: Wha...!? [sees Torres] IT'S A KLINGON!!! KILL IT!!! KILL IT!!! [Scotty lunges for Torres who effortlessly steps out of the way sending the drunken scotsman into the transporter control consol. Alarms go off and Torres looks around in confusion.] TORRES: What the hell is that?! SCOTTY: [gets up] I must have jammed the transdator circuts! The transporter is locking onto to something in a parallel universe and beaming it here! [looks at Torres] Are you a klingon? TORRES: Half Klingon. SCOTTY: Great, I suppose I'll only have to... [he pulls out a switchblade] HALFWAY KILL YOU!!! [He runs at Torres whow sticks out her foot and sends him carreening into the transporter pad. More alarms go off. Torres and Scotty are enveloped in transporter effects.] TORRES: WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!!!??? SCOTTY: SOMETHING'S COMING THROUGH!!! IT'S COMING THROOOOOO... [Scotty and Torres dissapear. Suddenly, three shapes begin to appear on the transporter pad. The glitering effects stop and we see 5th season sliders DIANA DAVIS and MALLORY. Both appear quite confused. Standing next to them is a fat guy with black hair and bumps on his forehead who neither trekkies or sliderfans have even seen before.] DIANA: Where are we? Mallory? What did you do!? MALLORY: Why is it that when something stupid happens, everyone assumes it was me? DIANA: Mallory, please... you define the term "Stupid is as stupid as Mallory". MALLORY: HEY! DIANA: [taps mysterious person on shoulder] Excuse me, who are you and where are we? PERSON: [Scottish accent] Are ye daft!? I'm Scotty! [no accent] ...and I'm B'Ellanna Torres! DIANA: Uh-oh! MALLORY: Uh-oh, what!? DIANA: It appears that what happened to you happened to the people in this room! MALLORY: You mean...!? DIANA: YES! They were combined into each other and replaced by a sub- subpar actor! MUSIC: DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUN!!! TORRES/SCOTTY: So... does that mean I'm a Klingon now? I guess that means I will have to KILL ME!!! [he pulls out a knife with his left hand. His right hand catches his left hand] Oh no you don't! You can't stop me you Klingon bitch! Up yours you drunken Scotsman! Die woman! Screw you! DIANA: Wow... and here all this time I never though anything would make less sense then you getting an acting job, Mallory! MALLORY: HEY! [A few minutes later, in Voyager's briefing room, all the sliders are there along with Kirk, Spock, McCoy, and the new Scotty/Torres person.] JANEWAY: Amazing... You're saying that this man here is actually a combination of Torres and Mr. Scott? McCOY: It would appear so. I'm reading Klingon DNA that would account for your engineer... KIRK: And how are you picking up Scotty? McCOY: A blood alcohol level of .54 for one thing. KIRK: Ah, I see... alright you. [To Diana] Start talking. DIANA: You see, I'm Diana Davis. A Scientist from the year 1999. I joined a group called the sliders after Quinn Mallory was combined with this [makes quotation marks with her fingers] "actor" over there and Colin Mallory, his brother, exploded in the wormhole. COLIN: I did what? QUINN: I combined with who? DIANA: Who the hell are YOU guys? QUINN: He's Colin Mallory! COLIN: And he's Quinn Mallory! JANEWAY: And YOU little missy just screwed up the timeline by revealing information from the future! DIANA: HOW THE HELL WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW!? I'VE NEVER EVEN SEEN THESE PEOPLE!!! MALLORY: But, the fact that Maggie and Rembrandt were here should have clued us in a little bit. WADE: Wow... all of the sliders ever are now here in one place! This is so... so... oh, what's the word I'm looking for? REMBRANDT: Poignant? WADE: No. QUINN: Amazing? WADE: No. MALLORY: Cool? WADE: No. COLIN: Puppy? WADE: Moron. DIANA: Climactic? WADE: No. ARTURO: Contrived? WADE: Yeah, that's it. JANEWAY: Okay, here's what we do. Diana, you Quinn and Maxy-poo here work on a way to get all of you home to your own time. DIANA: Maxy-poo? JANEWAY: Mr. Spock, you can work with Harry Kim, and Seven of Nine to find a way to get Voyager back to our time. SPOCK: I shall do my best. JANEWAY: Maggie, Tuvok, and Chekov will try to figure out who is possesed by the evil genies. MAGGIE: Chekov the Russian? I refuse to work with communists. JANEWAY: You worked for FOX! MAGGIE: Point taken. JANEWAY: Wade, you will work with Neelix to... uh... make lunch. COLIN: What about me? MALLORY: And me! JANEWAY: You two... uh... You two spin around in circles until you get dizzy and fall down. MALLORY: I don't know, captain... sounds hard! [Mallory and Colin start spinning. The other sliders and Star Trek folk watch them and leave quite disgusted. Janeway, Kirk, and Arturo remain.] KIRK: [to Janeway] I'll see you tonight. JANEWAY: Err... okay. [Kirk exits] ARTURO: TONIGHT!? JANEWAY: Max, I... I love you and all, but I'm afraid I've moved on! ARTURO: But... we've only been back together for ten minutes! JANEWAY: STOP SMOTHERING ME!!! [The bridge. Arturo flies out of Janeway's ready room and lands on Chakotay. An alarm beeps on Tuvok's console.] TUVOK: There is a vessel approaching. CHAKOTAY: Mmff mm mff mmffmfff? TUVOK: Sir? [Arturo stands and pulls Chakotay out of the chair.] CHAKOTAY: What sort of vessel? TUVOK: It appears to be a Taxi cab. CHAKOTAY: Raise shields! Engergize weapons! Go to red... TUVOK: They've docked in the shuttlebay. CHAKOTAY: I see... well, if you need me, I'll be evacuating the ship. Nice knowing you, Tuvok. [Chakotay runs to the lift which opens revealing Corbin Dallas, Leloo, and Priest Vito Cornelius. Chakotay screams like a little girl and hides behind Harry's console.] CORNELIUS: Who's in charge here? [Janeway enters] JANEWAY: I'm Captain Janeway. Who are you and what do you want? CORNELIUS: I am Priest Vito Cornelius. I've come to warn you that... JANEWAY: That there is a great evil on the loose and it must be stopped? CORNELIUS: [stunned] Oooookay. [looks at Corbin and Leelo] You know, if you two hadn't insisted we stop at that Motel 6 on the way up here, we might have been able to given them this useful information about six hours ago! Say, what were you two doing in there anyway? LELOO: [smiles] We were... uh... CORBIN: Uh... dusting the furtinure. JANEWAY: Priest Cornelius, can you tell us who is possessed by the evil? CORNELIUS: No, but I can tell you that it is no one on the Enterprise or Voyager. And furthermore, if this evil is allowed to grow in power, I fear that nothing can stop it from conquering the multiverse and destroying all reality as we know it. JANEWAY: How long do we have? CORNELIUS: Six hours... no more... no less. Fortunatly, if we find it before then, we can stop it with the six elements! DORK: [appears in a puff of smoke] AH-HA! Look at this! A pointless science fiction crossover to keep the dying beast of Star Trek on it's last legs! JANEWAY: [to Cornelius] excuse me [She kicks the Dork in the balls] [The Dork falls to the floor in a fetal position and, in a high-pitched voice, he looks at the camera and says...] DORK: Bum Bum BAAAAAAAAAAAH! TO BE CONTINUED...!