SPACE $19.99 The Parody that Keeps going and going and going and going... by Jason Donner PART SEVEN: "There's Something About Harry" Previously in our story, a bunch of stuff happened that you should have already read. [Seven of Nine walks through a corridor and up to a door. She presses the doorbell and waits.] HARRY: Er... J-Just a minute! [Seven waits. Harry finally answers the door.] SEVEN: Ensign, Captain Janeway has instructed us to work with Mr. Spock from the Enterprise to work on a way to get Voyager back to the 24th century. KIM: Uhm... okay. SEVEN: By the way, ensign. I am Seven of Nine. Nice to meet you. What is your name? KIM: Seven, you know my name! SEVEN: I do? Oh, wait... you're... don't tell me. Don't tell me. Larry? Mary? KIM: Harry. SEVEN: No, that's not it. How about I call you, Mr. Fluffypants? KIM: [sighs, looks down the corridor] SEVEN: [Sees something] Ensign... what is that on your ear? KIM: M-My ear? SEVEN: Is that hair gel? KIM: Uh... SEVEN: This is convenient, for I am in need of hair gel. [Seven puts it in her hair as Harry watches quite humiliated. Meanwhile, Maggie, Tuvok, and Chekov are hard at work trying to figure out who is possessed by the evil genies...] TUVOK: [stops person in the corridor] Excuse me. Are you an evil genie? CREWMAN: No. TUVOK: Carry on. [stops another person] Excuse me. Are you an evil genie? CREWMAN: No. TUVOK: Carry on. [stops another person] Excuse me... [Meanwhile, on the Enterprise...] CHEKOV: Excuse me. Can you tell me where the new-clee-err wessels are? MAGGIE: Huh? CHEKOV: Nuuuuu-cleeee-errrrr WESSELS! MAGGIE: What? Are you an evil genie? CHEKOV: Vhat? I ave never been zo inzulted! MAGGIE: You sound guilty to me! [Maggie begins to beat the snot out of Chekov.] [Meanwhile, Neelix and Wade are making dinner...] NEELIX: All this Guffilaxian Stew needs is the secret ingredient. Wade, my dear, will you get it out of the icebox for me? WADE: I guess so. [Wade opens the icebox and a giant tenticle reaches out, wrapps around her waist, and pulls her in. The door slams shut and, for the next few minutes, the sounds of screaming, squishing, and smacking can be heard. A few minutes later, the door opens and Wade staggers out.] WADE: What's the secret ingredient? NEELIX: Hambuger Helper. It's on the second self. WADE: I'll be right back. [Wade walks over to the icebox and puts on a football helmet. She opens the door, a tenticle reaches out and grabs her, and the whole wacky senario repeats itself in all it's comedic glory. Meanwhile, Seven of Nine, Harry, and Spock are discussing ways to get Voyager back to the 24th century. As we join the sceene, Seven is telling them about a theory with her back to the camera. Spock, and Harry are staring at her for some reason...] SEVEN: ...and therefore, I suggest we investigate using Borg nanoprocessors in conjunction to the relavtive Cochrane Warp flux inhibitor. [he stops] Why are you staring at me? SPOCK: Oh, uh... no-no reason. [The camera angle switches to show Seven of Nine. The hair on her head is sticking straight up. Harry sinks in his seat. Meanwhile, Diana, Quinn, and Arturo are working on a way to get the sliders back to their own time periods.] QUINN: I don't have a clue how. ARTURO: Ne nither. DIANA: I have no idea. QUINN: [to Diana] Let's go in the back and make out! DIANA: Oh, LET'S! [Quinn and Diana skip off together. Arturo sits there and fumes. Kirk walks in.] KIRK: Professor Arturo. Have you seen Kathy? ARTURO: [furious] Have you any idea, sir, how long I have been waiting to reunite with Captain Janeway? Now here you come along with your sucked-in gut and hairpiece and muck up the whole thing! KIRK: It's not a hairpiece! HAIRPIECE: Purr! Purr! ARTURO: DEFEND YOURSELF! KIRK: I don't think that's ness-- [Arturo colcocks Kirk in the jaw. Kirk staggers backwards and does the flying kick sending Arturo barreling into a wall. Arturo gets up and produces a pair of nun-chucks and goes after Kirk. Kirk produces a lightsaber and goes after Arturo. Arturo and Kirk run a few steps, get winded, and pass out into each other's arms. Uhura walks in and see them asleep together, gasps, and then runs away to spread all sorts of nasty and malicious gossip. Meanwhile, on the bridge... Janeway, Chakotay, and Corbin, Leelo, and Cornelius are disscussing the dire situation at hand. Janeway is inspecting the four element stones and a can of spam.] JANEWAY: And you're saying that this will save the universe?