All characters and events in this show...even those based on real people... are entirely fictional. All celebrity voices are impersonated...poorly. The following program does contain coarse language, and due to it's content, should not be viewed by anyone
"Cartman Makes a Woman" The Sliders/South Park Crossover by Jason Donner from an idea by Jessica Golden [The kids are waiting at the bus stop] Stan: Did you guys watch that show on TV last night? Kyle: Yeah, that was awesome! Cartman: I didn't think so. Stan: Why not? Cartman: He was just standing there like a big stupid purple dildo singing about how much he loved us and we loved him! Kyle: Cartman, you retard! We were talking about that Magician David Coppertone! He had a show on last night! Stan: Were you watching Barney!? Cartman: Uh... no. Kyle: You were! You were watching Barney! Cartman: Shut up you guys! I didn't wanna watch David Coppertone last night! Stan: Why not! He was making women in bikinis appear out of thin air! Kenny: Mmmf mmf mmmf Mmmfff? Stan: No, but maybe he did after the show. Cartman: I didn't wanna watch David Coppertone last night because... uh... because I already know magic and didn't wanna waste my time watching that no talent amateur! Kyle: Cartman, you liar! The only magic you can do is making cheesy poofs disappear and reappear on your fat ass! Cartman: I can make women appear out of thin air! Stan: You can not! Cartman: I can too! Kyle: All right, prove it! Cartman: I don't wanna. Stan: Prove it you f-[bleep!]-ing liar! Cartman: Ok! That does it! You wanna see a woman appear out of thin air? You're going to see a woman appear out of thin air! [Cartman looks worried as he walks out into the middle of the street and starts waving his hands like a magician] Cartman: Oh great spirits of all women with big boobs... uh... give me one now! [nothing happens] Stan: Where's the woman Cartman? Cartman: Just wait guys, I'm not done! [starts waving his arms again] I'm using my magical magic powers to get a woman from the netherworlds... Oh... Uh... She's coming... She'll be here any minute... Kenny: Mmmff Mmmfff Mff? Cartman: Sick, dude! Shut up! Kenny: Mmmfff Mmmfff Mff? Cartman: I am not a liar! I just can't get a woman! Kenny: Mmmff Mmmm Mfff! Cartman: WHAT! You son of a bitch! I'll kill you! [Cartman starts hitting Kenny. Suddenly, the wormhole opens and Maggie flies out] Stan: Woah! Kyle: He did it! That fat retard did it! It's a woman with big boobs just like he said! Cartman: [hits Kenny one more time] What? I did? [Wade, Quinn, and Rembrandt fly out] Kyle: Cartman's making guys! Kenny: Mff Mmf Mmmf! Cartman: I am NOT gay! [starts hitting Kenny again] Rembrandt: How long we on this world Q-ball? Quinn: A little over two hours. [The wormhole closes] Kyle: Dude, Cartman, that kicked ass! Cartman: I told you I was a magical magician! Kenny: [looking at Maggie] Mmmf Mmmf Mmf! Stan: Yeah, they're almost as big as my head! Maggie: You little pervert! Get away from me! [Chef drives up] Chef: Hello children! Kids: Hey chef! Chef: Who are you're friends? Stan: They're people Cartman made appear out of thin air! Wade: That's not quite the truth. Cartman: Shut up woman! It is the truth! Chef: [eyeing Maggie] Good job Eric. This one's got some big assets. Cartman: Yeah, silicon implants kick ass! Maggie: [blushes] Ooo... I like a man who likes the way I look! Chef: Allow me to give you the grand tour of South Park, my magically delicious sweetcake. [softer] We can start with my bedroom. Maggie: [giggles stupidly] Okay! [Maggie and Chef drive away] Wade: Sometimes I think that there are people and things even Maggie wouldn't do... then she proves me wrong. So very wrong. Rembrandt: Well, guys.... I'm gonna starve to death if I don't get something to eat. I'll meet you here for the slide? Quinn: Sure. Bye Rembrandt. [Rembrandt walks off] Kyle: [takes a manoria from his backpack] Cartman: What the hell is that? Kyle: It's a manoria. Jewish people use them. Stan: That's cool! Cartman: Why are you taking that crap to school for? Why don't you go back to San Francisco with the rest of the Jews? Wade: There's no Jews in San Francisco, you retard! Cartman: You stay out of this! Kyle: I'm taking it to school because it's show and tell day. Stan: Yeah, I'm taking some volcanic ash from the volcano! What are you bringing Cartman? Cartman: Uh... I, uh... I'm taking.... [looks at Quinn and Wade] These guys! I'm taking these guys to school for show and tell! That's right, I made them and I'm taking them to school! Wade: I'm not going anywhere with you, porky! [the school bus pulls up] Kids: Good morning Mrs. Crabtree. Crabtree: Sit down! We're running late! [the kids get on the bus while Quinn and Wade just stand there] Crabtree: What are you waiting for? Get on the bus! Quinn: But we're not stu- Crabtree: Aughhhhhhhh! Quinn and Wade: Ahhh! Crabtree: Aughhhhhhhh! Quinn and Wade: Ahhh! Crabtree: Aughhhhhhhh! [Quinn and Wade get on the bus. Meanwhile, at the South Park cafe'] Rembrandt: Yo, waiter. What kind of specials have you got here today? Waiter: Chicken or fish? Rembrandt: Oh... uh... Chicken please. Waiter: No, I mean, what is it? Chicken or Fish? [Waiter holds up a plate that has a strange feathered and finned covered fish/chicken thing] Rembrandt: [shudders] I'll just have a glass of water. [Officer Barbrady walks up] Barbrady: I haven't seen you around here before. Rembrandt: Oh, I'm just passin' through. Barbrady: Where are you from, son? Rembrandt: San Francisco originally. Barbrady: [scratches his head] San Francisco, eh? I heard that there was a murder up there a few weeks ago. Rembrandt: There's... a lot of murders in San Francisco, officer. Barbrady: Ah ha! I knew it! [Barbrady slaps handcuffs on Reambrandt and takes him out the door] [Meanwhile, in the mayor's office] Mayor: This is incredible! Our own officer Barbrady had single- handily captured the one man responsible for all of the unsolved murders in San Francisco! Assistant #1: We should hold a parade! Assistant #2: We should parade the felon down main street in chains! Assistant #1: Isn't that a violation of his civil rights? Assistant #2: It's not in Texas. Mayor: I love it! Call officer Barbrady and the parade committee! Mow the lawns! Polish the banisters! Castrate the cows! Cows: Moo!? Mayor: We're throwing a party! [at the kid's school, Quinn and Wade are sitting in on show and tell in Mr. Garrisson's class] Pip: [holding a picture of Don Knotts] ...and that's why Don Knotts is my hero! Garrison: [uninterested] ...thank you Pip, you get a C-. Pip: A C-!? I deserve more than that! It's an autographed picture of- Mr. Hat: Sit down and shut up weenie! Pip: [sits down] Garrison: Okay, Eric, you're next and I hope for your sake you didn't bring any more feminine hygiene products. Cartman: [takes Quinn and Wade by the hands and leads them to the front of the classroom] This is what I brought for show and tell. Terrence: Who are they? Cartman: They're people I made from thin air with my magical magic powers! Bully #1: Probably gay powers Bully #2: Stupid gay powers. Bully #1: Stupid. Cartman: Hey! Quinn: This is ridiculous! (to Wade) Let's get out of here. Wade: I'm with you! [Quinn and Wade leave] Cartman: Hey! Get your asses back here! Aw dammit! Garrision: Well, Eric, since your show and tell subjects got away, I'm going to have to give you an F. Cartman: Those sons a bitches! [sits down] Stan: Take it easy Cartman, it's not like you haven't gotten an F before. Cartman: Those two were my creations and they just walked out on me! Well, they're not going to get away so easily! I'll find them and I'll bitch-slap the girl and kick that guy in the nuts! Kyle: Calm down Cartman! Cartman: Nothing can make me calm down dammit! I... [bell rings] Cartman: Oooo! Lunch! [kids walk into lunch room] Chef: Hello there children! Kids: Hey chef! Chef: How are you today? Kids: Bad Chef: Why bad? Cartman: Those two assholes that I brought in for show and tell ran off. Chef: Well, Eric, if it's any consolation to you, my date with Maggie didn't go over to good either. Stan: Why? What happened. Chef: There we were. On the floor ready to initiate an hour of passionate love making when the bitch grabs my head and this big ugly worm comes out of her mouth! Kyle: That kicks ass! Chef: The bitch almost kicked my ass too! But I managed to chunk her out my window and save myself. I just hope that that crazy heifer don't find me again! [Maggie busts through the ceiling and stares at Chef] Chef: Aw man! Not again! Maggie, I told you- Maggie: [weird voice] No more... [raspy breath] Maggie!!!! [Maggie chases Chef around the lunchroom. Quinn and Wade shows up.] Wade: Maggie's got that breeder thing in her again. Stan: Breeder thing? Quinn: It's a worm that makes her horny and slutty. Kyle: Cool! Kenny: Mmmfff Mmmf Mff? Quinn: Yeah, I guess it's not too big of a change. Wade: Maggie! [Maggie continues to chase chef] Wade: Maggie! [Maggie continues to chase chef] Wade: Maggie! [grabs Maggie and slaps her] Listen to me you f-[bleep!]-ing goddamn slutty bitch! Quinn: Whoa! Cartman: Kick ass! Maggie: I- I- I'm sorry Wade. I don't know what came over me! Quinn: [holds out hand] Hand it over Maggie. Maggie: [spits out the breeder into Quinn's hand] Quinn: Ugh! [throws it across room] [The breeder worm lands in Pip's plate] Quinn: Maggie, Rembrandt's been arrested! Maggie: What!? Wade: They think he's a murderer! He was arrested by officer Bar.. Bar-something. Stan: Officer Barbrady? Wade: Yeah, how did you know? Stan: He's the sheriff of South Park. Chef: And he couldn't find his own ass in the dark. Maggie: When need to break him out. Quinn: But how!? Garrison [on PA speaker]: Attention all students. The remainder of the school day has been canceled so that everyone in the city can attend the parade on main street honoring officer Barbrady and the arrest of Rembrandt "Bloodthirsty" Brown. Mr. Hat: That's right Mr. Garrision. Rembradt Brown will be paraded down main street chained in a cage like a wild animal! It'll be good old-fashioned family entertainment! [Quinn, Wade, Maggie, Chef, Stan, Kyle, and Cartman rub their heads and say, "hmmmm" (all except Kenny who says "mmmmmmff...")] [A few minutes later on mainstreet, the parade is about to begin. Rembrandt is in a cage in the back of a pick-up truck.] Rembrandt: How many times do I have to tell you, I'm not a killer! Barbrady: That's what they all say! Rembrandt: Man, this is worse than the LAPD! [Meanwhile, the kids, Quinn, Maggie, Chef, and Wade run up on top of a hill where they survey the parade route.] Quinn: What do you think Maggie? Maggie: I think that if I grab you ass before every slide, I can break up you and Wade even faster! Quinn: Uh... I mean about getting Rembrandt out of there. Maggie: Why are you asking me for? Wade: Because you're a trained soldier, Einstein! Maggie: I am? Oh yeah! Well, I guess if I had a gun.... Stan: My uncle Jimbo owns a gun shop. Maggie: Really? Where? Stan: It's that big shop down there that says "Jimbo's Gun Shop" Maggie: That's perfect! Stay here, I'll be right back! Stan: I'll go with you. Maggie: No! It's too dangerous! You're just a kid and you could get hurt. Just stay here out of the way. [Maggie begins to walk towards the gun shop] Stan: Yeah, whatever... [silently] you stupid bitch. Maggie: What did you say!? Stan: I said Donald Trump is rich! Maggie: Oh. [runs to gun shop] Wade: Quinn, I don't think that we should use guns to solve this problem. Cartman: Oh, well, why don't you just whine about it woman! Wade: [whining] I don't whiiiiiiiiiiine.... Quiiiiiiiin do I whiiiiine? Quinn: Oh... uh.... Mr. Garrison: [suddenly appearing] What are you doing here children? Cartman: We weren't going to kill officer Barbrady! I swear! Kyle: Shut up Cartman! Garrison: That's nice to hear Eric, but you boys should be on the South Park Elementary Float. Stan: We've got a float? Cartman: Kick ass! [The kids and Mr. Garrison walk off] Chef: Good, at least the kids are out of harm's way! [The parade starts. A band marches by and plays the Star Spangled Banner pitifully, a herd of cows walk by with banners that say "Eat Mor Cickin", the pick-up truck with Rembrandt in it drives by, and that is followed by the South Park Elementary Float - which features the kids around a giant globe. Maggie arrives back up on the hill with a big gun] Quinn: Maggie, you're not really going to shot South Park's sheriff... are you? Maggie: [stares at Quinn for a few moments] Uh... no. [she remains silent for a few more minutes. Suddenly, she realizes that she's stroking the gun. She puts it to the side as Chef and the other sliders stare at her.] Okay! I won't shoot officer Barbrady! I'll just shoot the lock on Rembrandt's cage so he can get away! Quinn: Make it quick! We've only got three minutes before we slide! Maggie: [takes aim] Okay, on the count of five.... Five.... Four... [on the Kid's float] Cartman's Mom: [with camera] Cartman! Smile honey! [camera flashes] Cartman: [covers eyes] Jesus Christ mom! Mom: One more! [camera flash] Cartman: Get that friggin camera out of my face! Mom: But you look so cutesy-woostey! Stan, Kyle & Kenny: [Laughs] [on the hill] Maggie: Three... uh... uh... Chef: Two. Maggie: Right, two... [on the float] Stan: [imitating Cartman's mom] You look so cutesy-whootsey Cartman! Kyle: Maybe your mom can take my picture. Kenny: Mmmf Mmmmmfff mffff mfff mmf mff. Cartman: YOU SON OF A BITCH!!! I'LL KILL YOU!!! [Cartman grabs the camera from his mom and throws it at Kenny] Kenny: [ducks] [The camera flys off camera] Maggie: Two..., One...! [The camera bonks Maggie on the head. As she falls backwards the gun goes off. The bullet strikes the base of the globe and causes it to roll towards the kids. Everyone gets away, but Kenny is crushed by the giant Earth.] Stan: OH MY GOD!!! THEY KILLED KENNY!!! Kyle: YOU BASTARDS!!! [In the excitement, the pick-up carrying Rembrandt hits the brakes and causes the cage to fly out of the bed and onto the street. The impact causes the door to open and Rembrandt runs to his friends.] Rembrandt: Guys, am I glad to see you! Maggie: [in a daze] Happy... Happy... Joy... Joy... Rembrandt: What's with her? Quinn: It's a long story. Rembrandt: I'm not interested then. [Quinn opens the wormhole] Barbrady: [standing in front of the wormhole] Move along! There's nothing to see here! Move along! Quinn: Bye Chef. [jumps in] Wade: Bye Chef. [jumps in] Rembrandt: Who's Chef? [jumps in] Maggie: [still dazed] ...and I'll miss you most of all scarecrow! [staggers in] Chef: Stupid bitch. Barbrady: Okay, Mr. Chef. What's going on here? Chef: Well, you see, that guy you arrested couldn't have killed all those people in San Francisco because he's actually a traveler from a parallel universe. Barbrady: Oh, well that makes sense. Carry on. [walks off] [Kenny walks out from behind the globe] Stan: Hey look! Kenny's okay! Kenny: Mmf mmff. Garrison: Well children, I hope you learned something valuable from this. Kyle: Yeah, Cartman's magic sucks. Cartman: Go to hell you dirty Jew! [picks up a rock and throws it at Kyle] Kyle: [ducks] [The stone hits the globe causing it to roll again. Kenny jumps out of the way. The globe hits a car, causing it to roll down the street, the car hits a flagpole which is thrown up into the air into some powerlines which acts like a bow and arrow shooting the flagpole down the street and impaling Kenny against a building. No one has noticed this, of course.] Stan: Well, I'm sure glad that's over with. Kyle: Me too. Cartman: I wonder where my big breasted woman is right now. [the kids walk by Kenny's dead body which is being eating by rats] [Meanwhile, on a parallel world...] Butt-head: Whoa! This chick has big thingies! Beavis: Boing! Maggie: I hate sliding. THE END!!!