The Sliders on "The Dating Game"
a parody by Jason Donner

Mary as Announcer: (unchanging tone)  Welcome to the Dating Game.  Here is 
	your host, a professor in the field of mathematics and ontology, 
	Maximillian Arturo.

[Applause and such as Max runs out to his podium]

Arturo: [out of breath]  Hi!  And (gasp gasp) welcome to the...  excuse me 
	(bends over, puts head between his legs.  Gets back up, more composed)  
	Welcome to the Dating Game, I am Professor Maximillion Arturo.  Let us 
	meet today's Bachelorette!  She is a student at the San Francisco 
	Community college, majoring in romantic prose and welding, say hello to 
	Wade Wells!

[Wade enters the stage.  Hoots and hollers follow]

Arturo:  Good evening Miss Wells, it a pleasure.
Wade:  Oh, It's a pleasure for me too
Arturo:  That's what I meant.  Without further ado, let's me our bachelors!

[Camera focuses on Quinn Mallory]

Mary:  Bachelor #1 is a Universal Field Theory Major at California University.  His
	hobbies include quantum physics, warp field theory, and crochet.

[Camera focuses on Rembrandt Brown]

Mary: Bachelor #2 is a musician.  His hobbies include R&B, hairsyling, and pot bellied
	pig breeding.

[Camera focuses on Conrad Bennish jr.]

Mary:  Bachelor #3 is a Theoretical Propulsion major at California University.  His
	hobbies include Jimmy Hendrix, small explosives, and Beavis and Butt-head.
Arturo:  Ok Miss Wells, select your bachelor and ask your question.
Wade:  All right.  Bachelor #2.  If you were one of the Smurfs, who would you be?
Rembrandt:  Well baby, I guess I'd have to say that I would be, "Hefty Smurf" because I
	could carry my little "Smurfette" anywhere her sweet little heart desired.
Wade:  You're saying I'm Smurfette?
Rembrandt:  Don't you know it baby!
Wade:  You jerk!  Smurfette was a hootch!  Every Smurf in the village probably slept with
	her!  How dare you!  Bachelor #3, same question.
Bennish:  Ahhh.  (huh huh)  I'd say that I would be, "Jokey Smurf"
Wade:  Why?
Bennish:  'Cause he was always blowing stuff up!
Wade:  That's stupid!  Bachelor #1, same question.
Quinn:  "Brainy Smurf,"  who else?
Arturo:  Who else indeed!  Blistering Idiot!
Wade:  Geeeez, ok...  New question!!!  Bachelor #1, what would you say is the most
	exciting thing you ever did?
Quinn:  Let's see, that would have to be the time that I escaped from earth 113 with the
	Kromagg army on my tail.
Wade:  Been there.  Done that.  Bachelor #2, same question!
Rembrandt:  The most exciting thing I ever did was when me and the Spinning Topps
	played Dallas Texas back in 1984.  You see, me and the boys got out on stage 
	and all these Texans wanted to hear was all those backwards country songs, 
	so, rather than let the good name of the Crying Man go down in flames, me 
	and the boys sang, "Rhinestone Cowboy".  Ooooo, you shoulda seen it man!  
	10,000 drunken Texans screaming, "REMBRANDT!  REMBRANDT!  REM..."
Wade:  You know, this reminds me of Homer's, "The Oddessy."
Rembrandt:  Because it's so poignant?
Wade:  No, because it's so boring!  Bachelor #3, same question!
Bennish:  I killed a bunch of people once.
Wade:  Big whoop, who hasn't?
Arturo:  We have time for one last question Miss. Wells, then you have to decide.
Wade:  Perfect...  Ok Bachelor #3, would you call yourself a Democrat or a Republican?
Bennish:  I'm more of a Sagittarius.
Quinn:  Anarchist.
Rembrandt:  I've always call myself "Rembrandt."
Wade:  (hands covering face)  Oh dear God...
Arturo:  Now you much choose, but choose wisely!
Wade:  I choose Ryan.
Arturo:  WHAT!?  RYAN!?  But he's not even on the panel!!!
Wade:  (stabbing Arturo with finger)  DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!!   I'M NOT

[Wade and Ryan walk out together]


[Arturo, Rembrandt, and Quinn storm out after Wade, leaving Bennish sitting alone]

Bennish:  Hey?  Where's Jenny MacCarthy?

[Lights dim]

Be sure to join us next week as Dana Scully has to choose between Fox Mulder,
Cancerman, and Walter Skinner!