What you are about to read is a parody of the Slider's episode "The Other Slide of Darkness". I actually had a lot of trouble writing this one because unlike the other post- Arturo/pre-Sci-Fi Sliders episodes, this one was actually good (not great, but good). As always, this story was written by me based on work done by others. I didn't make one solitary cent off of this thing and if you don't believe me, fine... show me one dope who would shell out the dough for this story (I'd love to meet him). Sliders is the property of Universal/Saint Claire and the Sci Fi Channel (up yers FOX!) I am property of me and God. My dog is also property of me. I do not own a cat. Cats are evil. I think I am rambling.

And now that mine legal whoes hast been purged, let us start thine parody with great haste.

Rated TV-14

This story is very non-politically correct so if you don't like it, better skip this story or suffer the consequences.

Emerging on a brand new world, the sliders start choking due to a funky yellow fog that surrounds them. Maggie, who can either breath, or is too ditzy to realize that her brain is gasping for oxygen (not that it ever used much in the first place) drags them to safety. While all this is going on, a bunch of natives dressed up like members of the Kiss Army look on from the fog.

"See, I told you they would be coming." says a short little British guy who's presence and identity will be revealed at a later time if you'll just shut up and be patient.

After they recovered, the sliders happen upon a piss ant white-bred hick town where they meet this episode's excuse for the chick of the week, a blind terot reader with her own 1-900 number. "My name is Adra and I can see the future," she explains. "I can see that death awaits you in the fog... and cancellation awaits you in the summer."

"I knew it!" Rembrandt mumbled and slapping Maggie on the back of the head.

"I can also see that Rickman is here," Adra continued. "And that Quinn seeks death... I'm also afraid that the marriage of Delta Burke and Major Dad with end in divorce and that we'll hear wedding bells for Madonna."

The other sliders ditch Adra and Wade and go off to a clinic to see if there have been any unexplained comas (Rickman's signature). It's there that Quinn notices something weird.

"That's weird," he said as he picked up a small cylindrical object. "It's a battery... a Duracell by the look of it. I bet Rickman's batteries wore out and he's stuck here."

"Why hasn't our batteries ever run out?" Maggie asked.

Quinn looked at her. "Because we use Energizers."

"Yeah, stupid!" Rembrandt added. "Don't you know that they keep going and going and going and going and going..."

"Guys!" Wade said as she ran into the clinic. "Adra said that Rickman WAS here and that he sucked out somebody's brain!"

"Who's?" Maggie, Quinn, and Rembrandt asked.

"Wesley Crusher's baby sister, Lucy," Wade answered. "Come on, Adra said she'll take us there."

Adra waved from the street, narrowly missed being hit by a car, walked into a tree, stumbled up some stairs, took two steps to the right, and fell off the porch.

"Here, let me help you!" Maggie said as she pulled Adra to her feet.

"This could take a while," Quinn sighed. "Talk about the blind leading the blind!"

Several hours after following Adra as she tripped and stumbled through the woods, the sliders ended up at the home of Wesley Crusher's baby sister, Lucy who was in a coma and was being cared for by the delightful little retard from Sling Blade.

"How are you doing, Retard?" Adra asked as she unknowingly hugged a stuffed bear in the corner. "I missed you... My! Has your back always been that hairy?"

"Ah don't reckon ah'll kill nobody today," he answered as he spit a large wad of snuff into the fireplace which exploded in a large fireball.

"Did you see who did this?" Quinn asked as he pointed to Wesley Crusher's little sister who was vegetating in the corner propped up in front of a TV watching Grandpa Jones and Minnie Pearl exchange banter on an old episode of Hee-Haw.

"Uh-huh," the retard answered. "Ah got me a shot at 'em. Short little English guy... Come own, ah'll show you whar ah seen 'em."

"I like the way you talk," Wade said smiling.

"An' I lahk the way you tawk," the retard answered.

The sliders followed the retard outside and to the boundary of the fog where Wade volunteered Maggie to run mindlessly into the fog-o-death for no real reason at all. Inside the fogbank, Col. Rickman called out to her to harass her and provoke her.

"Maggie? You looking for me?" he called from the darkness.

Maggie spun around. "Rickman! You bastard! I'll get you for killing my husband, Dr. Jetson, if it's the last thing I do!"

"Dr. Jetson!?" Rickman laughed. "It was Dr. Jenson, you dense little tart! Hey, Maggie! Tell me... what's two plus two?"

Maggie grabbed her head and screamed. "No! Ahhhh!"

"Four plus two? Three plus three? How do you spell "cat"?"

"Uh....," Maggie gasped. "Uh... four.... uh.... uh... sev... no! no! Four plus two is six.... I think. And three plus three is... uh.... six.... OW! My brain! You bastard! Can't... think... or... talk... normally...." Maggie's brain overheated and shut down and she fell into a boneless pulsating pile on the forest floor. "K-A-T" she managed to whisper as she passed out.

When Maggie came to, she saw some guy hovering over her. "Who the hell are you?" she asked.

"Rickman," the man answered.

Maggie smirked. "You're not Rickman! Rickman looks like Roger Daltry... you look like that guy who did the thing... you know... on TV."

Rickman scowled at her. "The injected brain fluid into me causes my face to mutate," he explained. "That's why I look different."

Maggie cocked her head in a vain attempt to understand. "Huh?"

"My face changed," Rickman said trying to simplify things.

Maggie stared at him blankly.

Rickman sighed and rolled his eyes. "Roger Daltrey's doing Highlander this week and I was cast to replace him."

Maggie stared at him blankly.

"It's magic, Maggie," Rickman finally said.

"Ohhhhh! So, you're telling me that Roger Daltrey and the Highlander magically made Rickman's face change and you were cast to replace him."

Rickman covered his face with his hands and nodded in frustration. "Yes... Maggie. That's what happened."

"Oh."

"Maggie?"

"Yeah?"

"What's four plus five?"

Maggie grabbed her head in pain. "Four plus five? You evil bastard... that's going to be a double digit number, isn't it?" And then she passed out and Rickman skipped into the fog laughing like a pansy.

A few minutes later, Quinn rescued her and she explained to him and the other sliders what happened.

"Are you sure that the Highlander is involved in this?" Quinn asked her.

Meanwhile, Wade and Adra tried desperately to bring Wesley Crusher's little sister, Lucy out of her coma and on a whim, Adra suggested that they cast a spell.

"To do this, I'll need a lock of your hair," Adra said as she handed Wade a pair of pliers. "Here, use these scissors."

"Thanks," Wade said uncomfortably as she used a nearby razor blade to cut a small lock from her head. "Here you go."

Adra threw the hair into the fireplace which promptly exploded and sent flames racing through the cabin singeing both of the lady's eyebrows off.

"That was amazing!" Wade said in awe.

"Yeah, but it wasn't supposed to do that," Adra said in confusion. "Are you wearing some kind of a chemical hair coloring?"

Wade suddenly looked very offended. "I have always been a redhead! I have! I have! I have!" she screamed as she stormed out the door and into the waiting arms of Rickman.

"Hello, Wade!" Rickman said.

"Who the hell are you?" Wade asked.

Meanwhile, Rembrandt asked a very important question. "Say, guys... who's that short little English guy out there who's running into the fog with Wade over his shoulder?"

"Beats me," Quinn answered.

"Rickman!" Maggie screamed as she and the sliders ran out after them.

"Don't take me into the foooooog!" Wade whined. "Pleeeeese don't take me into the fooooog!"

Rickman finally dropped her on the ground. "Fine! Stay here for all I care!" he yelled as he ran into the fog. "All of that whining would've given me a doosy of a headache anyway!"

When the sliders finally came across Wade who still hadn't stopped whining despite the fact that Rickman let her go, Quinn grew angry and ran into the fog with Maggie.

"Wait!" Rembrandt yelled after him. "You can't breath in there, remember?"

"No time for that!" Quinn yelled back at him. "It's time for me to be macho!"

So of course, Quinn passes out due to the fog and Maggie ended up getting harpooned by the Kiss Army who was mentioned at the beginning of the parody, if you remember. Both of them were taken prisoner.

After Wade finally stopped whining, she and Rembrandt started to devise a way to rescue Quinn and possibly Maggie too if they felt generous. They decided to ask the retard if he had any advice.

"Without th' witches butter, ya kant make th' tea an without th' tea ya kant go into the fowg. Ya drank th' tea and ya kin go inta th' fowg," he said.

"Fine," Rembrandt said impatiently. "Give us the tea."

"Are ya daft man!" The retard exclaimed suddenly switching to an Irish accent. "Ya canna drink tha tea right away! Ya canna stomach it! It'll rot yer insides!"

"Worse than Mountain Dew?" Wade gasped.

Meanwhile deep in the forest and in a clearing in the fog for which the special effects department was no doubt grateful for, the natives led Quinn and Maggie into their camp where Quinn was put in a crude bamboo Gilligan's Island-esqe cage and Maggie was drug to a cave.

"Where are you taking her!?" Quinn screamed to the natives. "Put her in the bamboo cage! It's hot in here! Put me in the nice cool cave! Make her suffer!"

Suddenly, Rickman showed his face. "Hello Quinn!"

"Who the hell are you?" Quinn asked in confusion.

After an hour, Rickman explained to Quinn about why he was different and he and Quinn picked up their conversation as if they had never stopped.

"Let me out of this cage, Rickman!" Quinn said shaking the bars and acting like a macho musclehead.

"Not my decision Mallory... the writers say you have to stay here while the natives strip Maggie naked and torture her. Besides, none of that matters... he understands man! He understands everything! He wants to help you!"

"Who?" Quinn inquired. "Batman?"

"No... he's a scientist."

"Batman's a scientist."

"It's NOT Batman!" Rickman screamed.

"Your a bad bad man," Quinn pouted.

Rickman stuck his head into the cage and whispered. "I wouldn't get caught up in all of that self-righteousness if I were you. Without you, I wouldn't be sliding, professor Arturo would still be alive, Wade and Rembrandt would be home, and Sidney wouldn't have such a guilt trip at the end of Scream 2."

"I have one word for you Rickman... Listerine." Quinn said fanning the air and trying to breathe.

Meanwhile, outside the fog, the retard from Sling Blade gave Wade and Remmy some tea and some homemade liquor and Adra prophecies for them some more.

"I see Quinn... he's going to die... and... and... Ellen will be coming out next season."

"Ellen came out last season." Wade said.

"Oh...," Adra said a little shaken. "Well... uh... I see her reminding us in every Ellen episode from now until the show gets canceled that she came out."

"Wow, she's good!" Rembrandt exclaimed.

Adra gave them both a brown bag. "If you get to the foggin's village, burn this. They'll respect it's power."

"Thanks," Wade said. And then she and Rembrant started drinking the tea and walking towards the fog.

Adra sat there in silence for a few minutes and finally whispered. "Where the hell am I? How am I going to get home?" Then she got up and stumbled and tripped into the woods never to be seen or heard from again.

Back at the foggin's village, Maggie had been striped and tied to the cave wall.

"Let me go dammit!" Maggie demanded as the camera gently moved up her body photographing her belly-button... her stomach... her lower torso... her bre.. Cough! Cough! Ahem! Anyway, to put an end to the rather pointless and exploitative scene, one of the natives asked Maggie what five minus one was and she passed out.

Outside, Quinn was baking in the harsh seventy one degree heat. "Water," he pleaded. "Please... water."

"Why certainly sir," A native said as he reached into an ice chest and fished around a bit. "What would you like? Evan or Perrier? I'm afraid we're fresh out of Crystal Light."

The native handed the bottled water to a small child in a red coat and hood who handed it to Quinn.

Quinn grabbed the child by the neck and squeezed. "How about a nice tall frosty glass of 'let me out of this cage or I'll kill you' lite?"

"You're not a killer... at least not yet." Said a strange but familiar voice.

Quinn was startled and released the little boy who fell backwards and broke his head open on a big sharp rock spilling his brains out on the ground. An army of rats advanced and began devouring the corpse.

"NOW you're a killer." the voice said.

"Oh my God! He killed Kenny!" Said another.

"You BASTARD!" Said a third.

Quinn looked up to see one of his many counterparts standing in front of him wearing white makeup and a KISS T-shirt.

"Hard to believe you've been sliding almost as long as me." That Quinn said.

"What do you know about me?"

"Three years ago I visited you on your world and gave you the sliding equation."

"That was you?" Quinn said in horror. "That can't be you! No one can change that much in three years!"

"Strip your friends away... slide from world to world all alone and you would be like me.

"Yeah well, fire all of the good writers... rip off movies every week... kill off a popular character and replace him with a brainless bitchy bimbo and you'd be just like me." Quinn countered.

Maggie screamed in the distance. Quinn ignored her.

"What do you want from me?" Quinn demanded.

"Simple," Smarter Quinn said with a smirk. "You kill me and the villagers will let you live. You don't kill me and you will all die."

"I won't kill you," Quinn yelled suddenly growing a conciseness that had been absent for most of the third season.

"We'll see about that," Smarter Quinn said. He then turned to one of his natives. "Take him to my cave. Display the naked chick in the town square where children can throw things at her."

"Ungawa," the native answered.

A few minutes later in Smarter Quinn's cave, Rickman and Smarter Quinn were putting fresh batteries into Rickman's timer just as Quinn was brought into the door.

"No! You can't give him fresh batteries!" Quinn protested. "He's a killer and a crappy villain! Let him stay here and entertain you! He used to be a member of The Who!"

"Daltry was in The Who, you idiot!" Rickman yelled as he snatched the timer away from Smarter Quinn and opened a vortex. Before leaping in, he turned to the camera and said, "Ever notice how the bad guy never has to wait for the timer to expire?"

After Rickman left, Quinn and Smarter Quinn were left alone together. "You're probably wondering what happened to me to turn me from being a smart ass jerk with a heart of gold to being a smart ass jerk with a heart of stone."

"Not really, I just..."

"The Kromaggs happened to me. They invaded my world and killed everyone and it's all my fault because I gave them the sliding technology. There, see? I've been a bad boy and you have to kill me now."

Quinn looked at him skeptically. "So you're saying that Mary was only two-years-old when we met her? Jesus Christ man, it's bad enough that we've got Maggie and are being killed in the ratings by Unsolved Mysteries and Muppets Tonight! Now you've gone and blown Sliders continuity out of the water!" Quinn walked off of the set and grabbed one of the writers. "Man, did you even WATCH Invasion?"

"Duh...." the writer said picking his nose and not even bothering to wipe the drool from his mouth. "What's a continuity?"

Quinn dropped the writer and joined his counterpart back on the set. The director yelled action and the scene continued.

"Now you see why I have to die," Smarter Quinn sighed. "You kill me and the natives will think you're a god. Now, don't hesitate and try to be noble because..."

Quinn took Smarter Quinn's head and smashed it into the styrofoam wall of the cave sinking it in up to his neck.

On the outskirts of the village Wade and Remmy finally showed up, rather exhausted and hung over from their ordeal. "We're going to need Adra's power!" Wade said taking the brown paper bag.

Back in the cave, Smarter Quinn struggled to pull his head out of the styrofoam wall of the cave while Quinn picked up his timer and walked out the entrance.

"Kill me! Kill me!" Smarter Quinn's muffled voice cried out.

In the village square, Maggie was being pelted by rocks from small children and several members of the Jerry O'Connell Droolers Society (JODSers) who had braved to fog for the event.

"Take that you Quinn stealing ho!" one of the JODSer's cried out as she struck Maggie in the stomach with a fist-sized rock.

Wade snuck in behind the melee and placed the paper bag on the ground. "Good thing I always carry matches with me," she sighed as she lit the bag and ran away, though not before throwing a rock of her own.

After a few minutes, one of the natives noticed the burning bag. "Uwaba nip-nip!" he said. (This loosy translates into: "Hey, look at this burning paper bag.")

"Jibjaw kuwawaba ding dong!" Said another native. (This phrase translates into: "That could be a fire hazard!")

"LaToya Tito Jannet Jermane!" Said yet another villager. (This phrase translates into: "Don't worry, I'll put it out!")

The native walked over and stomped on the fire. "AH!" he yelled. (This Translates into: "AH!") "Dah Dah Dah Chumumbathump!" ("This bag contains doggie-doo. How embarrassing!")

While all of the other natives laughed and poked fun at the hapless native who tried to get the scooby-doo off of his foot, Wade and Rembrandt untied Maggie. "Where's Quinn?" Rembrandt demanded. "I hope nothing bad happened to him."

"You hope nothing bad happened to him!?" Maggie screamed. "What about me?! I was tied up, tortured, and striped naked! When was the last time any of that happen to me!?"

"Last week during "The Breeder"!" Wade said impatiently.

Unfortunately, Maggie's little emotional outburst caught the attention of the JOSDer's society and they began advancing towards Maggie with torches and pitchforks. "Death to the bimbo!" the JOSDer's yelled.

The natives, in the meantime, were still laughing at the doggie-doo joke and were oblivious to everything else.

Just before the JOSDer's could kill Maggie, Quinn emerged from the cave and when he saw what was about to happen he ripped off his shirt and posed for them, soothing the savage crowd.

"Whoo-woo!" The JOSDer's yelled as Quinn activated the wormhole and slide out of site.

Before Maggie could slide, a large rock struck her on the side of the head. Unconscious, she fell into the wormhole.

"Wanna stay and watch Millennium?" one of the JOSDer's asked as the crowd dispersed.

"Naw," another answered.

Sliders won't been seen next week so we may bring you a very special presentation of SIMPSONS: THE APOCALYPSE

MARGE: Homer? President Clinton's looking for the nuclear button? Have you seen it?
HOMER: (Watching the missiles approach) Yeee... No.

(EXPLOSION)

HOMER: D'oh!