A Nightmare on Elm Street: The Next Generation By Jason Donner (We see a beautiful meadow, the breeze sways the grass ever so gently) Beautiful Woman's Voice: (calling softly, being carried by the wind) Wesley. (Wesley Crusher sticks his head up and looks around.) Wes: Huh? Voice: (calling) Wesley. Wes: Gee, I wonder were that's coming from. (He makes his way through the tall grass following the voice) Voice: (a little louder - but still soft) Wesley. Wes: I'm coming! I'm coming! (Wes comes to a clearing. He moves a clump of grass aside and sees Counselor Troi lying on her back atop a white pillar wearing nothing but a white sheet that is being blown by the wind) Troi: (sentually) I've been waiting for you. Wes: Exsqueeze me? Baking Powder? Troi: (sighs) Come to me my love. (Wes advances ever slowly. Troi looks really REALLY hot) Wes: (stopping at the foot of the pillar) Counselor, I... Troi: (smiles) Don't call me that. Call me... love goddess. (Troi kisses Wes on the lips. Wes climbs the pillar and crawls over to Troi) Troi: Take me Wes. Take me! Wes: Where? OH! OK! (Wes engulfs Troi in a long pathetic kiss)(Quick cut to close up of Wes's face) Wes: OH! Love goddess! (a pause) That's odd. I expected your lips to be soft and lady-like but they feel all scabby and crispy! (Quick cut to: Wes is kissing Freddy Kruger!) Freddy: Why! You kiss like a fish! (trademark Freddy laughter) (Wes screams and takes off running. The meadow suddenly turns into a dark stank forest. Wes stumbles over nothing and falls to the ground) Freddy's Voice: Wesley! Oh, Wesley! Wes: Gotta hide! Gotta hide! (We jumps into a hollowed out oak tree) (Cut to: interior of the tree. All we can see are Wes's eyes) Wes: Whew! Safe! (another set of eyes appear) Freddy: Que paso hombre! (Cut to: the outside of the tree -- it has started to rain. Thunder, lighting, the whole schmear) Wes: (Screaming) Help me! Help me! Data! Worf! Captain! MOMMY!!!! (Freddy jumps up and catches Wes by the neck.) Freddy: It's been fun, but I've been DYING to cut you open! (Freddy laugh) (Freddy raises his razored glove in the air and slashes Wes across the face) --------------------------------------------------------------------------- (Quick cut to Wes's bedroom) Wes: (jumps up out of bed) AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! (Feels of a wet spot on his covers) I hope this is sweat. Dr. Crusher's Voice: Wesley? Honey, are you OK? Wes: Yeah mom, just a bad dream. Crusher's Voice: OK sweetie, night-night. Wes: (Gets up out of bed and walks to the bathroom) Boy, I need to lay off those scary holodeck programs! (Wes walks by a mirror.) Wes: What the...? (Wes looks again and finds five scratches across his face) (screaming) MOMMIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Cut to "Space, the final frontier..." intro =============================================== Commercial break Announcer: New from Playmates! It's the 1996 line of Star Trek Action Figures! (Show a display case that has action figures in it. Kids are running around it) Yes, Star Trek action figures, no trekkie should without at least a dozen! Included in our new line are: Picard in his duty uniform! Picard in his first-season duty uniform! Picard in his jacket uniform! Picard in his jacket uniform minus the jacket! Picard in his duty uniform with the Generations communicator! Picard in his duty uniform with the 'Future Imperfect' communicator! Picard in his duty uniform without a communicator! And Picard in Troi's uniform! And don't forget our new line of talking Trek Dolls! There's Kirk: Kirk doll: KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!! There's Riker: Riker doll: Whataya say we go to my place and... There's Worf: Worf doll: KILL IT! KILL IT! KILL IT! There's Dr. Bashir: Bashir doll: I developed this cure to show I'm smarter than you! And there's Harry Kim: Kim doll: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we... Yes, Star Trek Action figures! As long as we can rip the heads off one, glue it to another one's body and sell it as something completely different, we'll keep making them! ================================================ Cut to: The Enterprise is orbiting a red planet Episode Title: "Nightmare on Deck 10" Picard: Captain's Log Stardate 44444.4 (rounded off to the nearest decimal point) The Enterprise is in orbit of Noodle XIII to conduct scientific research on a lifeform there called a web-footed-snot-slinger. It has been an uneventful day except for some crap Dr. Crusher told me about a hideously burned man attacking Wesley in his dreams or something. I don't know I really wasn't paying any attention. I have told Counselor Troi to look into it. -------------------------------------------------------------------- (Cut to Ten-Forward: Troi and Wes are talking at a table) Troi: So tell me more about this dream you had. Wes: Uhhh, well... Troi: Come on Wes, I'm a counselor and you're supposed to open up to me. Wes: Well, It's a little embarrassing. Troi: Why? Wes: Well -- You were in my dream. Troi: (surprised) I was!? Wes: Yeah huh. Troi: I see. And what, pray tell was I doing? Wes: (gulp) You were a... (Wes hesitates) Troi: Go on. Wes: ....a love goddess trying to seduce me. Troi: (shutters) Well... (shutters again) Then what happened? Wes: Then while I was kissing you... (Troi makes sound like she's going to blow chunks) You turned into this guy in a red and black striped sweater and a black hat. And he was all burned and nappy lookin'. Troi: I see, and then he chased you and slashed your face with a razor glove? Wes: Uh huh. Troi: I see (starts writing on a PADD) I'll get in touch with you later Wes. (Cut to PADD: She has written only one word: Wacko) Wes: Wait! Counselor, what do I do if I go to sleep and he comes back!? Troi: Sleep with a phaser. (She walks over to the bar) Gunian: (to Troi) So what's the matter with Mr. Crusher? Troi: As a counselor, I can't divulge information that a patient has given to me in confidence. But, what the hell? Wes thinks that there's a man in his dreams that is trying to kill him. He says he's all burned up and wears a black and red sweater. Guinan: (suddenly concerned) A black and red sweater!? Troi: Yeah! Isn't that the biggest load of crap you've ever heard? Picard: (over intercom) -- Picard to Counselor Troi. Report to the bridge. -- Troi: On my way. (she leaves) (Gunian looks at Wes, she knows something, but probably won't tell until 2/3 of the way through the episode [as usual]. The "Nightmare on Elm Street piano music plays) ---------------------------------------------------------- (Cut to the bridge) Picard: Number one, I'm telling you. There is absolutely no difference between "new" coke and "classic" coke. Riker: But the "new" coke tastes sweeter! What do you think Worf? Worf: Klingon's prefer "cherry" coke. (Troi enters the bridge) Picard: Ah! Counselor, We want you opinion on something. Troi: Maybe later, I have Wesley Crusher's mental review for you to look over. (hands Picard the PADD) Picard: Hummmm. (reading) Okcaw? Is that some kind of phychobabble jargon? Riker: You're holding it upside-down sir. Picard: Than you number one. (turns PADD over) Wacko? Troi: Nutty as a fruitcake sir. It is my opinion that Mr. Crusher is suffering from acute homo-depressionism coupled with dermo-incessionitis and a lack of aminobarbins in his diet. (A long pause) Riker: So what you're saying is, "Wes is a wacko?" Troi: Bingo. Picard: Well, I can't have dangerous maniacs roaming my ship! Troi: Well, I never said that Wes was dangerous, just that... Picard: Stay out of this counselor! Mr. Worf! Put Mr. Crusher in the ship's loony bin! Worf: (Quiet pleased) Yes sir! Picard: And Mr. Worf? (Worf stopps and looks at Picard) Be gentle on the little tyke! --------------------------------------------------------------------- (Quick cut to a padded cell) (Wes flies in head first and hits the opposite wall hard) --------------------------------------------------------------------- (Cut to the bridge) Picard: There! That was fun. Riker: Yep! It looks like we tied up all the loose ends too! (Crusher walks in) Picard: ALMOST all number one! Crusher: What's the big idea of throwing my son into the ship's loony bin!? Picard: Well, uh uh, it's a matter of, uh uh, umm. Troi did it! (Crusher fixes her evil gaze on Troi) Troi: I just said that Wesley is a Wacko! The Captain ordered him locked up! (Crusher looks back at Picard) Picard: Well I did... Uh that is I... uhhh (points at something behind Crusher) WHAT'S THAT!!!??? (Crusher whirls around to look and Picard uses the opportunity to run and hide in his ready room) Crusher: Damn you Jean-Luc Picard!!! (sobbing) He's my only (sniff sniff) son! Data: Dr. Crusher, If you like, I could accompany you to the ship's loony bin so that you may visit your son. Crusher: You... You would do that for me? Data: Certainly! (They walk to the turbolift) And if Wesley is administered shock therapy I would love to watch! (Crusher begins crying even harder) ------------------------------------------------------------------ (Cut to Crusher and Data are walking down a darkened hallway with glass cells on each side -- reminiscent of "The Silence of the Lambs") Crusher: Who are all of these people? Data: (Points to a cell) That is Groppler Zorn, who we captured at Farpoint. (points to another cell) That is Ardra, the con- artist who claimed to be the devil. (Points to another) That is former children's show star, Pee-Wee Herman. Crusher: What did he do? Data: You are better off not knowing. PeeWee: (Sticks his face to the glass) I can smell your feet!!! Data: (Pulls Crusher away) Guards! (Several guards bust in and shoot PeeWee with electrodes) Crusher: Data! where are they keeping Wesley!? Data: (Motions to cell at the end of the hall) There. Crusher: (Runs to cage) Wesley? Oh Wes! Oh I missed you so much! I love you! Did you hear me? I LOVE YOU!!! Strange Voice: You... You do!? Crusher: Wesley? (A big hairy biker-looking guy emerges from the shadows) Big Hairy Guy: You love me? Data: I believe I have erred Doctor. Wesley is in that cell over there. (points) (Crusher runs to the cell) Big Hairy Guy: "I love you" (a tear runs down his face) That's all I needed to hear. (Cut to Wes's cell. Wes is in a straight jacket) Wes: Mom? Crusher: Oh Wesley! Look at what they've done to you! Wes: Aw. It's not so bad, the warden here said that if I keep on my best behavior, he'd make me an acting guard! Beverly: Well I'll get you out of here before that happens! Wes: Hurry mom! I can't stay awake much longer! ----------------------------------------------------------------------- (Cut to Ensign Smith's Quarters) (Smith, an overweight nameless ensign, has on his cowboy pajamas and is settling in for the night) (He begins to snore) ----------------------------------------------------------------------- (Ripple dissolve to the shuttlebay which is dressed up to look like a king's castle -- all the senior officers are there wearing 11th century costumes, Worf is in a suit of armor, LaForge is a minstrel, Picard is a jester, Crusher is a princess, Troi is a Queen, Data, Wes, and the others are peasants) All: All hail king Smith! Long live the king! (Smith enters wearing kingly robes and carrying a scepter. He walks over to Troi and cops a feel. Troi just giggles) Smith: (turns to camera) It's good to be da king! Jester! Amuse me! (Smith sits on the throne) (Picard walks out in a Jester's costume) Picard: Good evening ladies and germs. I just flew in from Risa and boy are my ears tired! (Smith Giggles) Take my Worf, please! (Smith laughs) Let me tell you, these days, everybody is getting into shape! Everyone's either in a weight room or a bathroom! Yep! Everybody's pumping or dumping! Smith: (Laughing hysterically turns to LaForge) Pumping or dumping! (HA HA) Picard: But you can't blame these people! I mean, who wants to look like a big fat pig!? (Motions to Smith who is eating an entire creme pie) (The entire room grows silent except for a few gasps) Smith: (To LaForge) Did he say "big fat pig?" LaForge: Yes he did sire. Smith: Do you think he ment me? LaForge: I believe he did sire! Smith: Ohhhhhh. (Smith looks angry) Data: Change the subject jester! Change the subject! Picard: (nervous) oh ummm. These two horses walk into a bar... no uhh... I got it! Politics! Politics! Politics! Politics! Politics! Yes! Lord Smith's kingdom is the most efficient I have ever seen! (Smith looks pleased) Corruption starts in the street. The peasant bribes the councilman, the councilman bribes the tax collector, the tax collector bribe the knight... and it goes all the way up to the king! (boldly points at Smith who jumps to his feet) SHIT! Smith: KILL HIM!!! (Worf and several other knights seize Picard) Picard: Boy when you die at the palace, you really die at the palace! (The entire cargo bay goes dark and the doors leading into space open) (All the kings court is confused) Smith: What's going on here? (Freddy Kruger jumps out from behind him) Freddy: Greetings King Smith! I'm here to turn your party into a real BLOW-OUT! (The force field keeping the air in the shuttlebay goes off and the air is blown out into space) Troi: (Hanging on to the throne) My lord! What is happening!? Smith: All of the air is being sucked out into space!!! Data: Correction sire, That's blow ouuuuuuutttahhhhhhhhhhhhh! (Data is sucked out along with everyone else until Smith is alone hanging on for dear life) Freddy: Oh look! Piggys! (Points to Smith's fingers) This little piggy went to market. (He cuts off one of Smith's fingers) Smith: No! No! Freddy: This little piggy stayed home! (Cuts off another finger) Smith: Ow! Cut it out asswipe! Freddy: This little piggy had roast beef... (Cuts off another finger) Smith: (in great pain) AHHHHHHHHHHH! Freddy: ...and this little piggy had... (Smith lets go and is blown out into space) Smith: AAAUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH! *gurgle* (He dies) Freddy: Aw! Whataya know! I ran out of piggys! (trademark Freddy laugh) -------------------------------------------------------------------- (Cut to the ship's corridor: LaForge and Worf march down the hall) LaForge: I'm telling you Worf, this is the last time Smith is late for a duty shift! I'm going to give that geek a piece of my mind! Worf: (mumbling) can you spare a piece? LaForge: What? Worf: Nothing. (They stop at the door to Smith's quarters) Worf: Computer: Open this door! Authorization Worf: 89372382478 Alpha 2345 teddy bear 738348347438 jellybean 293426724829 enable 828284322 popcorn. Computer ** IS THAT POPCORN WITH OR WITHOUT BUTTER? ** Worf: Dammit! I can never remember this part! (thinks) Without? (The door opens) Yes! (Smith's dead body falls out of the open door and falls on LaForge) LaForge: It's Smith! And he's dead! (Worf faints) ================================================= Commercial Break: Announcer: On the next exciting episode of Star Trek: Voyager: Janeway: What do you make of it Tuvok? Tuvok: It appears to be a white Ford Bronco floating in space! Announcer: You thought it was over... Torres: (examining the Bronco) Captain! There are people inside! Announcer: You thought it was history... Janeway: Criogenically frozen people from the 20th century! Announcer: You were wrong! Doctor: (In sickbay) The people you found in the Bronco are awake and want to speak with you! Announcer: It's just beginning! Ito: My name is Judge Lance Ito! (Show picture of Ito, Clarke, Cochrane, and O.J. in sickbay) Announcer: Now the ultimate terror is loose on the Voyager! Chakotay: I think they want to hold the trial on board the ship. Janeway: Sure, what harm could they do? (Cut to courtroom scene - Janeway is on the stand) Cochrane: Have you ever used the "N-word" in the past 10 years Captain Janeway? Janeway: Do you mean? Nylon? Neelix? "Nowhere Man"? Announcer: Will the crew survive? Clarke: (to the jury) I'll make this short and sweet because I know how tired you all must be. (Cut to the jury consisting of Harry Kim, Neelix, Kes, Tom Paris, Tuvok, a Viddean, and 6 Kazons) Announcer: It's edge of your seat thrills! (Janeway is on the stand again) Cochrane: You know! The "N-word!" Janeway: Numbnuts? Newton's? Nyphomania? Announcer: With plot twists at every turn! Chakotay: They dismissed Kes as a juror! Why? Janeway: She was singing "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas" and Cochrane said it was racially slanted! Announcer: So tune in next week... Torres: (searching the Bronco) What's this glove for? Announcer: ...for Star Trek: Voyager! Janeway: Dammit! What is the "N-word!?" =================================================== (Cut to the Enterprise orbiting Noodle XIII) Picard: Captain's Log, Suppository: Uh, I mean Supplemental: Dr. Crusher has informed me that 50 other nameless ensigns apparently died in their sleep last night. (Cut to the observation lounge) Picard: (continuing his log entry) Dr. Crusher is briefing the senior staff right now, so I have to be really quiet or she'll... Crusher: Jean-Luc will you shut up and listen!? Picard: Oh! Yes! (ahem) Computer, end log. Crusher: Mr. Smith apparently suffocated, Ensign Kosack was found drowned in his bathtub, Ensign Wolenchek was found decapitated by his Popell Juicer, Ensign Bobbit had his (you know) cut off, Ensign Henderson was found with a phaser rifle shoved up his... Picard: We get the idea Doctor! But why did these conveniently expendable people die? Crusher: I've ruled out viruses, mind control, hallucinations, brain disorders, and old reruns of "Beavis and Butt-head". Data: There is the strange burned man Mr. Crusher told Counselor Troi about just before he was thrown into the loony-bin. Troi: But Ensign Crusher is insane! Picard: I agree! Crusher: But Wesley could save us all if we give him the chance! Picard: OK OK! Let's be democratic about this. We'll vote! All those in favor of releasing Mr. Crusher from the loony-bin say "aye". Crusher: Aye! Picard: All opposed? Everyone else: NAY! Picard: All righty then! Let's move on! Is there any good news Doctor? Crusher: Just one. Do you remember that big hairy guy we had locked up in the looney bin? Well, I've been told that he's turned into a model inmate! Data: What brought about this change doctor? Crusher: (looks to the side) An... unknown... visitor told him something. ------------------------------------------------------------------ (cut to the ship's loony-bin) Crusher: How's it going Wes? Wes: Can't stay awake.... much.... longer! Crusher: Here. (hands Wes a hypospray) Wes: What's this? Crusher: It's a stimulant. It'll keep you awake until we find out what's going on! Wes: Thanks mom! (he shoots up) Weeeeeeeeee! (As Reginal Van Gleason) MMMMMMMMM That's good stuff! ----------------------------------------------------------------------- (Cut to the bridge) Picard: You see Number One, the eggplant is neither an egg, nor a plant! Riker: Fascinating! Guinan: (Over intercom) -- Captain Picard, this is Guinan can I see you in ten forward? -- Picard: Sure! Give me a few minutes and I'll be right there! Riker: What do you think she wants? Picard: Either she is going to explain the deaths of our crewmembers, or she's whipped up a drink that would make a Borg scream halleluehah! (Picard leaves) Worf: Wait a minute! The eggplant IS a plant! --------------------------------------------------------------------- (cut to Ten Forward -- Guinan is alone) (Picard enters) Guinan: I heard about all of the nameless ensigns that bit the big one. Picard: Yeah! Did you hear about Ensign Juniper? Guinan: OUCH! I had no idea you could do that with a shower massage! Picard: So what did you wish to speak to me about? Guinan: Have you ever heard of Freddy Kruger? Picard: No, but I do remember a Freddy Kroger in my high school. Guinan: Freddy Kruger is a monster that can kill you in your dreams. He came from Earth as a matter of fact but he went out into space after they quit making movies about him. No one has heard from him since. Picard: You think that Freddy Kruger is on my ship now and that he is responsible for the deaths of 50 people and that he is the one that attacked Mr. Crusher!? Guinan: (thinks) Hey! That's a lot better than what I thought was happening! (cut to Enterprise Orbiting Noodle XIII) Picard: Captain's log, Supplemental: At the request of Dr. Crusher and Guinan I have arranged a meeting between Wesley Crusher and the noted Starfleet psychiatrist Dr. Frasier Crane to see if Wes is telling the truth about Freddy Kruger or if he truly is a wacko. ---------------------------------------------------------------- (Cut to the observation lounge -- Picard, Crusher, Troi, Frasier, and Wes is there. Wes is on a dolly, tied up, and wearing a face mask, much like Hannibal Lector in "The Silence of the Lambs") Frasier: So tell me Wesley, what do you think about your mother? Wes: MMMMMMMFFFFFFMMFFFF! Picard: Doctor! Take that face mask off him! (Crusher does so) Wes: (bug-eyed still full of Dr. Crusher's stimulant) I like my mom Dr. Frasier! Frasier: I see... so tell me about this Freddy Kruger person. Wes: Well, in my dream I was kissing Troi... (Troi shutters) And then she turned into Freddy and came after me! Frasier: I see. Picard: Well Dr. is Mr. Crusher insane or not!? Frasier: Mr. Crusher is suffering from metholonic demetia origomy fussyness syndrome! Picard: Does that mean Wesley is crazy? Frasier: No, it just means he's damned annoying. Picard: Thank you Doctor. Frasier: Don't thank me until you've seen my bill! (He leaves) (Dr. Crusher begins untying Wes who starts to run around like a hyperactive kid) Picard: Wesley, I promise never to doubt your insanity again. Wes: Gee Thanks! (starts to walk out) I think I'll go reconfigure the entire sensor array, then I'll go redo the carpet in my quarters. find the cure for baldness, walk the dog, pay the bills, discover life on a sheep turd, get a second... (he leaves) ------------------------------------------------------------ (Ripple dissolve to the bridge -- Ensign Yahoo, another nameless ensign, enters) Picard: Hello ensign Yahoo! All: Hi Ensign Yahoo! Yahoo: Hello! (Yahoo walks over to the helm where Bullwinkle Moose is stationed) Bullwinkle: Hello Ensign Yahoo! Yahoo: Greetings Bullwinkle! I am here to relieve you. Bullwinkle: Very well! (Bullwinkle melts into a pile of goo) Picard: Oh no! Not again! Mr. Worf, call the ship's janitor! Worf: (Wearing a tutu and blowing bubbles) OK Cap'n! (Pamela Anderson walks in wearing absolutely nothing, carrying a mop) Pamela Anderson: Did you call for a mop? Wayne and Garth: Shwing! Data: (Eating a boot) Captain, A strange ship has appeared! (munch munch) Picard: Ister-may Ata-Day ut-pay it-ay on-ay een-scray! Data: Aye Aye! Cap'n Stubing! (The screen comes on and Freddy Kruger is flying through space) Worf: (Dressed up like a clown) Now that's weird! (He pulls his head off and throws it at Troi) Troi: Why thank you Worf! (She puts it in her purse) Freddy: Hello Ensign Yahoo! Permission to KILL aboard! Rodger Rabbit: (Now stationed at tactical) P-p-p-p-p-p-p-please! Listen to me! The USS Kruger is preparing to launch it's weapons! (In space Freddy pulls a foot-long salami out of his pocket) Freddy: Cholesterol can KILL ya! (Back on the bridge, which for some reason now is painted purple and is equipped with a disco ball while the stereo plays Christmas music) Pamela Anderson: That's too bizarre. (To Yahoo) Don't dream about me anymore kid! (she leaves) Ensign Yahoo: Rodger quick! Raise shields! Rodger Rabbit: I know you are but what am I? (Yahoo pushes Rodger out of the way and tries to raise shield himself. A panel opens and a cream pie hits him right square in the face) Data: Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk! (Freddy fires the salami at the Enterprise) Data: Da salami's gonna hit us! Oh the humanity! Ohhhhhhhhh! Picard: (picking his nose) Oh fate, thou art such a cruel mistress! (The salami gets closer) Riker: Well, if I'm going to die, I'm going to die happy! (Grabs Troi and kisses her, Troi pulls on Riker's ear and he deflates like a balloon) Ensign Yahoo: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! (The Dream-Enterprise goes boom) ------------------------------------------------------------------------- (Cut to the Enterprise bridge) Worf: That's odd. (Cut to a close up of the tactical station where a display is flashing the word,"odd") Picard: What is it Mr. Worf? Worf: Sensor's have registered an explosion in cabin #273, Ensign Yahoo's Quarters. Picard: Look into it Mr. Worf. ----------------------------------------------------------- (Quick cut to Worf and several security officers entering Ensign Yahoo's quarters) ----------------------------------------------------------- (Cut to the bridge) Worf: (Over intercom) -- Worf to Captain Picard! -- Picard: Go ahead my Klingon friend. Have you found ensign Yahoo? Worf: -- Yeah, kinda. -- Picard: Let me clarify this for you: Are you looking at Ensign Yahoo now? Worf: -- Yes he's over there. And over there. On the ceiling. He's everywhere! -- Picard: What do you mean!? Worf: -- Ensign Yahoo exploded while he was in bed! -- (Picard gives one of his dramatic pauses as the music swells) ================================================ Commercial Break Bill Gates, president of Microsoft is sitting in his office Bill Gates: I am Gates of Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated. Life for you as it has been is over. Freedom is irrelevant, free-will is irrelevant, fair commerce is irrelevant. Announcer: Windows '95! Resistance is futile! ================================================= (LaForge is working in engineering) LaForge: Ensign Kaotee, get me some coffee! Computer: ** ENSIGN KAOTEE IS DEAD ** LaForge: Oh Yeah! Where's Ensign Servo? Computer: ** ENSIGN SERVO IS DEAD ** LaForge: Ensign Dale? Computer: ** ENSIGN DALE IS DEAD ** LaForge: How many ensigns are left on the ship? Computer: ** TWO ** LaForge: Who are they? -------------------------------------------------------------------- (Ensign's Crusher and Ro are hiding in a jeffries tube) Ro: This sucks! Everybody on the ship is ordering me to do stuff! Wes: Yeah, I know! I was just... Ro: Shhhhh! --------------------------------------------------------------------- (Quick cut to corridor) Barcaly: Ro? Wes? Are you here? I just want to talk. Yeah! That's the ticket! I promise I won't order you to do a thing! (A wild look crosses his face) Except polish my shoes, rub my feet, AND TUCK ME IN!!!! No! Wait! I uh, did't mean it! Honest! Oh god! I need to have someone to order around! (He starts crying as he continues to walk down the corridor calling for them) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- (cut back to Wes and Ro) Ro: That was close! Wes: Look, Freddy has killed all of the ensigns on the ship except you and me. I say we get him before he gets us! Ro: Good Idea! Tell you what, I'll go to sleep and face him, if it looks like I'm in trouble, you wake me up! Wes: OK, if you promise not to be cranky. (Ro leans back and goes to sleep) ----------------------------------------------------------------------- (ripple dissolve to Ro walking in a desert, the Enterprise is in the background -- it looks as though it has crashed. Ro runs to the downed ship. She enters the ship through a huge hole in the hull) Ro: Freddy! I know you're here! Are you too chicken to face me? (Spot, Data's cat, jumps out of the shadows and stands in front of Ro) Spot: (sounding like Morris the Cat) Follow me old girl. Ro: Hmm, the cat talks. (Spot runs down the wrecked corridors and Ro chases him) Ro: Where are we going!? Spot: Nowhere special. (They turn a corner and end up in an Arctic wasteland) Ro: What the...? Where's Freddy?! (Spot roars and turns into a saber-toothed tiger, he/she? jumps at Ro but Ro jumps out of the way) Ro: Down kitty! Down Kitty! (Spot lunges at Ro again) Wes's voice: Use the Force, Ro! Ro: What!? Wes's Voice: Use the force of your mind! Ro: huh? Wes's voice: Geez Ro! It's your dream! Think of something to kill that overgrown pussy cat! Ro: Oh! (Ro closes her eyes and thinks hard when she opens them she is holding a bottle of Windex) Awwwww! I'm no good at this! (Spot jumps at Ro who turns around and squirts the Windex at the cat. Spot howls in pain as his/her? face melts off) Spot: AAAAUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (he/she dies) Ro: Whew! (Spot's body busts open and Freddy jumps out!) Freddy: Somebody call the ASPCA! (trademark Freddy laugh) Ro: Take this! (Ro squirts Freddy with the Windex) Freddy: Ohhh! I'm all squeaky clean now! Now, my Bajoran friend, you will die most painfully! (Freddy turns into a huge spider. He grabs Ro with one of his eight hands) Ro: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKK! Wes: (running up to the Freddy/spider) RO! You're in trouble!!! Wake up! Ro: Wesley!? If I'm asleep, how can you be here? Wes: Interesting question. The only way I can appear in your dreams is if I'm asleep too! (he realizes the deepness of the shit he's in) Uh Oh! (The Freddy/spider grabs Wes) Wes: I'm sorry Ro! I guess this is good-bye! Ro: Good-bye Wes! I hope that you get reincarnated as something that can STAY AWAKE FOR 15 MINUTES!!! Freddy: Time to crush a Crusher! (trademark Freddy laugh) Wes: OK OK OK!!! All we need to do is use the power of our minds! (Wes closes his eyes and thinks. He opens his eyes and sees something on the ground) Ro: Wesley! It's... It's... It's horrible! (Cut to the ground where and army of a million Wesley Crushers have appeared) Freddy: No! NOOOOOOOOOOO! (All of the Wesleys are talking to each other about modifying warp engines, recalibrating sensor arrays, and how they can never get a date) Freddy: Make them stop! MAKE THEM STOP!!! Ro: Wes, cut it out! Even Freddy doesn't deserve this! (Freddy drops Ro and Wes on top of two of the Wesleys killing them) Wes: Run Ro! (as Wes and Ro run away, Freddy turns one of his arms into a sword and stabs himself. His huge spider body falls on all of the Wesleys [except the real one of course] and squashes them like grapes) Ro: That was totally awesome! Wes: Yeah! But how do we wake up now? Ro: I heard that you can wake people up by slapping them in their dreams. Wes: OK! Try it out on me. Ro: Are you sure? Wes: Yes. Don't hesitate to... (Ro slaps the shit out of Wes) ---------------------------------------------------------------- (Cut to the jeffries tube -- Wes wakes up) Wes: YEOW! (Looks at Ro who is still asleep) Wake up Ro! We did it! ---------------------------------------------------------------- (Cut to the Enterprise at warp) Picard: Captain's Log, Stardate 44444.5: Thanks to the valiant effort by Ensign Wesley Crusher and Ro Lauren, Freddy Kruger has been destroyed. We are currently on route to starbase 45 to pick up a load of brand new nameless ensigns. ----------------------------------------------------------------- (cut to the bridge) Riker: Absolutely amazing! Wes used his power of annoyance as a weapon! Worf: Most commendable! Picard: Mr. Crusher, I have a question. Wes: What is it? Picard: It's an interrogative statement used to gather information, but that's not important right now. Why were you and Ro hiding from all of us after all of the ensigns on the ship had been killed? Wes: Well, it's just that... Riker: Spit it out Wes! (Wes hocks a loogy on the floor) Wes: When all of the ensigns were killed, every Lieutenant, Lt. Commander and so on were ordering us to do all sorts of things! We had to get away or you would have worked us to death! Troi: Well I guess there's a lesson to be learned here. Crusher: Really? What is it? Troi: I haven't a clue. Data: Perhaps the lesson we are to learn from all of this is that we have control of our own minds whether conscience or not. Worf: No, I think the lesson is: Fight makes right! Riker: Um ummm, the lesson is: Wesley is so annoying that an army of him caused a demon from hell to commit suicide! Wes: No, no, no! The lesson is: Appreciate your underlings because you would be lost without them! (The bridge is silent for a few moments) All: SHUT UP WES! [ FIN ]