The following previews have been approved for all audiences
=========================
From UNIVERSAL PICTURES... the people who brought you THE MUMMY bring
you the 21st century remake of THE WOLFMAN!!!
Starring BILL PAXTON as THE WOLFMAN!
Bill Paxton: First I become a werewolf, now I gotta where a flea
collar? This is BULLSHIT!
WOLFMAN 2000! Offending movie lovers everywhere this summer!
=========================
From WARNER BROTHERS, it's the next big superhero movie...
GREEN LANTERN!
Audience: Yay!
Directed by Joel Shumacer.
Audience: Awwwwwww...
Starring Kurt Russell as the best Green Lantern of all... G'NORT!
[Quick shot of Kurt Russell in a dog suit licking his own balls]
GREEN LANTERN a JOEL SHUMACER travesty... uh, I mean FILM!
=========================
From TOUCHSTONE pictures, it's a romantic comedy starring Sandra
Bernhart, Richard Gere, Julia Roberts, and Ben Afleck in a tale of
misunderstanding and luvy-dubby crap.
It's... WHO THE FUCK CARES!? bombing soon in a theater near you.
=========================
We interrupt these previews for our feature presentation...
=========================
THE LEGION OF LAME-@$$E$
by Jason Donner and Jesse Glaspey
[Fade in: We see a door marked "S.O.L.A.V. Meeting in Progress - Please
Knock". Inside the room, we see a large black circular table surrounded
by dark figures. Then, a voice speaks...]
Voice: Why is it so frikkin' dark in here!? Someone turn on the
frickkin' lights!
[One of the dark figures quickly rises and runs to the light switch
tripping over several of the other occupants in the process.]
Occupants: Ow! Watch it! That's my foot, asshole!
[There is a crash and a plaintive whine.]
Whine: I can't find it!
Voice: Nevermind! I will take care of it!
[The dark figure at the head of the table claps his hands twice as the
camera zooms in on him. The lights slowly come on to reveal that the
man is, in fact...]
Dr. Evil: That's better. Greetings. I'm Dr. Evil. Some of you I
know, some of you I'm meeting for the first time so I'll just go
around the room introducing everyone to each other. Okay?
[Camera pans slowly to his left revealing a teenager with jet black
hair.]
Dr. Evil: First, this is my genetically created son, Scott Evil.
Scott: [looks up from a notepad where he's written the words "Evil
Petting Zoo" and "I Hate My Life" and "Buffy Sucks, I Should Be
the Star" over and over] Kiss my ass.
Dr. Evil: I beg your pardon?
Scott: I said... uh... This is a BLAST.
Dr. Evil: Ah... Next, at a full ton, this man is a gross,
inconsiderate fat bastard. His name? Fat Bastard.
Fat Bastard: It's great tah be wurking far ya again Doctar Evil!
[He farts, everyone at the table begins hacking and coughing]
Dr. Evil: [laughing, doing that pinkie thing] Maybe you should lay off
the Taco Bell, my corpulent friend. Now, to continue... To my
right, my right hand man... a clone of myself that is perfect in
every way, only one-eigth the size... I call him... Mini Me.
Mini Me: ...
Dr. Evil: Do you need anything, Mini Me? You want something to eat?
Something to drink?
Mini Me: [shakes his head]
Dr. Evil: You sure? Okay... [whispers] I love you. [to the
others who are staring and mumbling to themselves] ALL RIGHT!!!
[everyone shuts up] Riiiight... Now, to introduce my number two
man who runs the legitimate face of my company, Virtucon. His
name... Number Two.
Number Two: Doctor Evil, as you know, Virtucon is a multi-billion
dollar company with facilities on all seven continents... even
Antarctica. We manufacture all sorts of helpful items including
the Ass-Master 9000 [he holds up a piece of exercise equipment]
Loose up to thirty pounds in one month... your results may vary.
[he gives the Ass-Master to Fat Bastard] We also own the
Franklin Mint which manufactures the "Cheeses of the World"
collectors plate series. [he holds up a plate showing a picture
of a hunk of Swiss] Some plates have been known to go up in value
over three-hundred percent... of course, as with any investment,
there is an element of risk. [He puts down the plate and yanks
the Ass-Master 9000 away from Fat Bastard who was gnawing on it.]
Dr. Evil: Riiight... Moving on... This is Frau Farbissina, founder of
the militant wing of the Salvation Army and head of the Powerpuff
Girls fan club. Frau Farbissina was also responsible for the
long run of "Suddenly Suzan". Quiet an... [does pinkie thing]
EVIL thing to do my dear.
Farbissina: Yah ho, Daktor Evil!
Dr. Evil: Next we... [looks at Farbissina, confused] Next we have the
last member of my organization, my seductress, she is irresistible
to men and, for some reason, curiously absent from our last movie.
Her name... Alotta Fagina. Miss Fagina, I see you've brought a
friend with you... would you like to introduce him to the group?
Alotta Fagina: Doctor Evil, as you know, in this politically correct
time there are as many international women of mystery as there are
international men of mystery, therefore... I would like to
introduce my brother. He is irresistible to women... his name:
Harry Fagina.
Scott: [laughs]
Dr. Evil: Sure, you laugh at "Harry Fagina" but not "Alotta Fagina"?
Grow up, Scott!
Harry Fagina: Dr. Evil, it's a pleasure to work for you.
Dr. Evil: Are you... really irresistible to women?
Harry Fagina: I see a demonstration is in order. [he looks at Frau
Farbissina and smiles. One of his teeth flashes in the light
with a slight "DING!" sound. Frau smiles and blushes right
before going insane, leaping over the table and jumping him.
Number Two and Fat Bastard pull her off of him].
Frau Farbissina: Nine! Nine! I must have him!
Dr. Evil: [does pinkie thing] You're hired. Gentlemen, let's get
down to business, shall we? Our plans to hold the world hostage
have thus far been averted by Austin Powers! [Everyone at the
table boos and hisses] But his day is over, for I have gathered
supervillians from all corners of the globe to serve me and
together, we will take over the world! I call this the...
[camera zooms in as he does the pinkie thing] Society of Lame-Ass
Villains... or S.O.L.A.V. for short.
Scott: Society of Lame Ass Villains? Why not gather up Darth Vader,
Freddy Kruger, Jason and some GOOD villains?
Dr. Evil: Okay, I've have enough of you. Now hush!
Scott: Yeah, but if you...
Dr. Evil: HUSH!
Scott: All I'm saying is...
Dr. Evil: HUSH!
Scott: But if...
Dr. Evil: Rhymes with Flush!
Scott: I just...
Dr. Evil: Name a movie that came out last year that no one saw!
Scott: Uh... Hush?
Dr. Evil: Exactly!
Scott: Will you just...?
Dr. Evil: Hushhhhhhhhhhhh.... PUPPY!
Scott: You're not going...
Dr. Evil: Sledder says to dogs: Mush Mush! I say to you: Hush Hush!
Scott: This is a lame idea.
Dr. Evil: I speak in Klingon: Bah Dook Me Tye Mak P'Tak! Translation:
HUSH!
Scott: FINE! Do it your way, you lazy-eyed psycho.
Dr. Evil: Right, now that THAT'S out of the way, I would like to
introduce you to the members of S.O.L.A.V. First, from the campy
60's Batman television series, this is KING TUT and EGGHEAD.
King Tut: It is a pleasure to serve the deities of Ra!
Egghead: You are fortunate to add my intellect you your group, but do
we HAVE to be called the Society of Lame Ass Villians? It seems
so... demeaning!
Fat Bastard: Shut yer hole ya skinny git!
Dr. Evil: I see... well, Mr. Egghead... Mr. "I Have to Look Like
Doctor Evil Because It's My Only Chance of Getting Laid"... what
would YOU like to call us?
Egghead: I would like the group to be called... The Gang of Lame-O
Villians Enterprises. G.L.O.V.E.
Scott: G.L.O.V.E.? What is this, a Michael Jackson fan club?
Dr. Evil: FINE! We shall be known as G.L.O.V.E. Frau Farbissina,
change the sign on the door.
Farbissina: Yah Voh, heir Doctor.
Dr. Evil: Next, from the campy 90's Batman and Robin movie, this is
Mr. Freeze and Poison Ivy.
Mr. Freeze: I vant to KILL de forces of good!
Poison Ivy: I'm sexy. [she looks at Fat Bastard]
Poison Ivy: [thinking] My God, he's marvelous... big and round,
[talking] ...just like the Earth that I love... I must have him.
Fat Bastard, I want to ride you like Shamu the Whale! [everyone
stares at her] Uh-oh... did I think that or say that aloud?
Dr. Evil: Next, from the television series, Sliders... this is Colonel
Rickman and the Slutty Evil Third Season Maggie.
Rickman: [holds up needle] We're here to serve.
Evil Slutty Third Season Maggie: I can touch my nose with my tongue!
Rickman: [gives Maggie a cookie] Good girl.
Dr. Evil: From the movie, Star Trek V: The Final Frontier... we have
Star Trek's deadliest foe, WILLIAM SHATNER: DIRECTOR!
William Shatner: Director: Star Trek V was a masterpiece, I tell you!
A masterpiece! Here, Paramount just released it on DVD... look!
Look! Here, take a copy! They're five for a dollar!
[He hands out DVD's of Star Trek V to everyone at the table. As soon as
his back is turned, everyone chunks them over their shoulders]
William Shatner: Directior: You don't release BAD movies on DVD... do
you?
[Mr. Freeze looks down at his DVD of "Batman and Robin"]
Dr. Evil: Next we have the lamest of the lame... from Superman IV, it's
the Nuclear Man!
Nuclear Man: KILL SUPERMAN!!!
[The nuclear man steps towards the table and enters a low-lit part of
the room where he looses his powers and falls limply to the floor.]
Mr. Freeze: Vat a lame-ass.
Dr. Evil: Ladies and Gentleman, the next member of G.L.O.V.E....
Rickman: I wish to make a motion.
Dr. Evil: What?
Rickman: G.L.O.V.E. sounds too much like a Pee-Wee Herman defense
fund... I think we should change the name to... L.O.L.A. The
LEAGUE OF LAME ASSES.
Dr. Evil: Fine, all in favor?
Voices: Aye!
Dr. Evil: All opposed?
Voice: Nay!
Dr. Evil: Sorry, Scott... you're out voted. From this point on,
G.L.O.V.E. will be called, L.O.L.A. Now, to move on... Our next
member appeared in the movie, THE PHANTOM MENACE... for about five
minutes... I give you Darth Maul.
Number Two: Doctor Evil... as you know, Darth Maul was killed at the
end of The Phantom Menace.
Somebody: Hey! I haven't see that yet! You just ruined the movie!
Fat Bastard: Shut yer yap ya bloomin' shit!
Dr. Evil: So, Darth Maul will not be joining L.O.L.A.?
Number Two: No, we cloned Darth Maul and he WILL be joining. [a tall
shadow appears in the doorway] He is a perfect clone of the Sith
Lord... [a black and red midget enters wearing a black robe]
...one/eigth his size. We call him, "Mini Maul".
[Mini Maul takes a seat next to Mini Me. The two glare at each other.]
Dr. Evil: Riiiiiight. Now, is that all or are we going to prolong
this already odd and awkward chapter?
Number Two: I believe that is all, Doctor Evil.
Dr. Evil: Very well, now... to business. To conquer the world, we
need to destroy one man... that man is...
[Quick cut to Mulder picking up a telephone.]
Mulder: Mulder.
Skinner: [On line] Mulder, I need you and Scully in my office, pronto.
Mulder: We're on our way. [to Scully] Skinner wants us.
Scully: To the Batpole!
Music: Na na na na na na na na X-FILES! X-FILES! X-FILES! X-FILES!
X-FILES, X-FILES, X-FILES! Na na na na na na na na nah...
X-FILESSS!!!
[Mulder presses a hidden button causing a secret panel in the wall to
open revealing two poles marked "Mulder" and "Scully". They grab on
and slide down as the panel closes. Meanwhile, in Skinner's office, we
hear a muffled "THUMP!" Skinner gets up shaking his head and opens his
closet door causing Mulder and Scully to tumble out onto the floor.]
Skinner: Why can't you two ever use the door?
Scully: [picking herself up] Sorry sir.
Mulder: [picking a pair of tiger-striped skin-tight briefs off his
face] It seemed to be a more efficient means of reaching your
office when summoned.
Skinner: How many tax dollars went to financing that thing?
Mulder: Four million, three hundred forty-two thousand, six hundred
twenty-three dollars and six cents.
Scully: Adjusted for interest and cost of living increases.
Skinner: Nevermind. I've called you two in to tell you that your
funding's been cut. The X Files are no more.
Mulder: Oh no! That's the third time this week!
Scully: I suppose this means we'll be doing some actual FBI work for a
change.
Skinner: What do you know about L.O.L.A.?
Mulder: Cute girl... funny birthmark on her inner thigh. [looks at
Scully and Skinner who are staring] ...and... and grossly
underaged not that I would know since I have only a passing
acquaintance with her and her parents. [he breaks down and
cries] IT WAS JUST ONE MOMENT OF WEAKNESS!!!
Skinner: [blinks] Actually, I meant the League of Lame Asses.
Scully: Oh, you mean that super-lame-villains organization started by
Dr. Evil? Yes, I've heard of them.
Skinner: Your assignment is to track them down and break up the
organization.
Mulder: Is this Austin Power's bag, sir? Shouldn't he handle it?
Skinner: Agent Powers is on vacation in Aruba and we've been unable to
contact him. That and he's very lame and the writers didn't want
to devote any parody time to him.
Mulder: Understandable.
Scully: Where do we look?
Skinner: We don't know. Therefore, we want you to go to the
Psychedelic Swingers Pussycat Club in swinging London to wait for
them to come to you.
Scully: London? Isn't that out of our jurisdiction? Won't they be
angry and won't it cause an international incident?
Skinner: Scully, please.... it's only London.
[Mulder, Skinner, and Scully begin laughing.]
========================
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Coming soon from UPN/MTV...
THE REAL WORLD: VOYAGER!
Janeway: This is the true story...
Chakotay: Of seven strangers...
Paris: Picked to live on a Starship...
Seven: To see what happens...
Doctor: When people stop being polite...
Kim: And start getting real...
Torres: The Real World: Voyager!
----
Janeway: (to Paris) WHY YOU MOTHER(BLEEP)ER! HOW DARE YOU
BREAK THE PRIME DIRECTIVE!
Paris: What the (BLEEP) is your problem?
----
Seven: Mr. Kim! Would you care to procreate?
Kim: You're (BLEEP)ing right I do!
Seven: Define (BLEEP).
----
(Neelix blows a snot rocket)
Tuvok: Oh...my...god.
----
(Paris and Kim start fighting)
Torres: (crying) STOP IT YOU (BLEEP)ERS!
----
Join us for the laughter, the tears and all the (BLEEP)ING SWEARING!
THE REAL WORLD: VOYAGER!
========================
[A few hours later, Scully and Mulder are in the Pussycat Swingers Club
in swinging London dancing with several hep-cats. Scully plops down at
the bar and looks over at an attractive man next to her.]
Scully: Hi. What's your name?
Man: Harry... Harry Fagina. [He smiles and his teeth shines with a
"DING!" sound. Scully begins to fall under his hypnotic spell.]
Scully: [dreamily] I was wondering if you could hump me... er... I
mean, HELP me.
Harry Fagina: All right.
Scully: Have you seen this man? [she holds up a picture] His name is
Number Two and he's believed to be a cohort of Dr. Evil.
Harry Fagina: Haven't seen him.
Scully: Darn. I was sure if you'd had seen him, we would have had
sex... uh, I mean... SUCK... Suck... [he shakes her head]
Success! That's the word I was looking for.
[Mulder staggers over noticeably drunk.]
Mulder: Scully! Look! They have those itty-bitty-teenie-weenie
umbrellas that they put in your drinks. I think that's soooooo
cute! This is a swinging shindig! It's my happening, baby, and
it freaks me out!
Scully: [dazed] Mulder...? That's so odd... I could have sworn that I
was falling head over heals in love with a that complete stranger
right... [she looks, he's gone] ...there! [a pause] No wait,
he's over there. [points. Harry Fagina waves].
Mulder: That's Harry Fagina!
Scully: Mulder, he may be a little boyish, but that was uncalled for.
Mulder: Harry Fagina is Alotta Fagina's equally attractive brother!
Scully: Harry Fagina works for Doctor Evil?
Mulder: Harry Fagina is a member of Doctor Evil's private army!
Scully: Boy, we sure are saying Harry Fagina a lot.
Mulder: It's fun! Fagina! Fagina! Fagina!
Scully: Let's question him.
Mulder: You mean... Harry Fagina.
Scully: Yes, I mean... Harry Fagina.
[Harry Fagina gets up to go to the can. Mulder and Scully follow.
They enter the little boy's room and discover that...]
Scully: He's gone!
Mulder: Where could he have gotten off to? Talk about a hole in the
plot you could drive a truck through!
Scully: Hey, speaking of plot-holes, how'd you sober up so quick?
[Suddenly, Sean Connery leaps down from the ceiling.]
Scully: All right! It's James Bond! Now maybe we can get somewhere!
Connery: Rain or shine, all will be mine!
Mulder: Shit! That isn't James Bond! It's the villain from 'THE
AVENGERS'!
Scully: You mean...!?
Mulder: He's a member of L.O.L.A.!
[Sean Connery leaps at Mulder and begins to pound him senseless.
Scully runs to help before getting stopped by...]
Poison Ivy: Just where do you think you're going? Time to prune your
hedges.
Scully: [rolls her eyes] Poison Ivy? Don't tell me that you're a
L.O.L.A. too!
Poison Ivy: As surely as the grass grows.
Scully: GOD, will you STOP with the plant metaphors?
[Ivy attacks Scully. Meanwhile, Sean Connery it hitting Mulder in the
face with his own hand.]
Connery: Stop hitting yourself! Stop hitting yourself! Stop hitting
yourself!
Mulder: Stop it. Stop it! STOP IT!
[Mulder rips Connery's kilt off revealing that the L.O.L.A. isn't
wearing anything underneath.]
Connery: Ach! You've revealed mah family tree!
Poison Ivy: [looks, snickers] More like a family twig...
[Mulder wraps the kilt around Connery's head and soon, the smell causes
the L.O.L.A. to pass out. Scully, in the meantime, spies a salad fork
in the corner of the bathroom and uses it to distract Ivy.]
Scully: Ivy, look! [holds up fork]
Poison Ivy: [dazed] Ooooooooo, shiny.
[Scully takes the fork and disembowels her with it.]
Scully: Mulder, are you okay?
Mulder: [rubbing eyes] Gowd! I saw Sean Connery's wang!
Scully: Try not to think about it Mulder. What are we going to do with
the bodies?
[Suddenly, the skylight bursts open and a really, really, fat lady
dressed in black plops onto the floor and crushes Sean Connery. The
camera zooms into to reveal that this fat lady is, in fact Alicia
Silverstone - looking about 4000 pounds - starring as...]
Batgirl: Mulder, Scully... I've been sent to help you!
Mulder: My god, the woman's got more chins than a Chinese phonebook!
Scully: She's so fat, her belt size is equator!
Mulder: She's so big, she could fall in the grand canyon and get stuck!
Scully: She's so fat, she could bungee jump straight to hell!
Batgirl: Are you done yet?
Scully: Not yet. Give us a second.
Mulder: She's so fat, I rolled over twice after sex and I'm still on
the bitch!
Scully: She's so fat, the back of her neck looks like a pack of
wieners.
Mulder: Her ass is so fat, it's got it's own zip code, ambassador to
the UN and gravitational pull!
Scully: Hey Mulder, you know what's the difference between Batgirl
and the Titanic?
Mulder: What?
Scully: Twenty-two pounds!
Mulder: Hey Scully, have you seen her shoes?
Scully: No.
Mulder: Neither has she!
Mulder: What would you do for a Klondike bar?
Scully: Now we know what's eating Gilbert Grape.
Batgirl: Enough! I'm here to help you two defeat L.O.L.A.
Scully: You mean you're not a member?
Batgirl: I was sent here by S.O.S.S.U.
Scully: Who?
Batgirl: The Society of Stupid Superheroes Unlimited. Steel is the
president. The Blue Ranger's the vice president. Nightman's the
secretary!
Scully: Excuse me... I hate to interrupt happy-time, but we have two
dead Lame-Asses here. What are we going to do with the bodies?
We can't leave them here or Doctor Evil will know we're on to him.
Batgirl: There's only one alternative...
[Batgirl gets a knife, fork, and a bottle of hot sauce out of her over-
sized utility belt]
Batgirl: We have to eat them.
[A few minutes later, Mulder and Scully burst out of the bathroom
gagging and puking. Batgirl emerges drenched with blood from her chins
down.]
Mulder: That was disgusting!
Batgirl: There's still a little bit of Sean Connery left if either one
of you want it. No? Okay.
[Batgirl walks back into the bathroom where we hear crunching and
belching. Mulder and Scully moan as their stomachs turn.]
========================
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Coming this season on X-Files...
Mulder and Scully face their toughest challenge yet...
Skinner: I'm assigning you two to bodyguard this girl. Apparently
strange goings-on happen wherever she goes.
Mulder: What's her name?
Skinner: Britney Spears.
Scully: Oh shit.
----
WATCH AS MULDER AND SCULLY GUARD BRITNEY SPEARS AND HER FAKE RACK!
----
Mulder: Scully, I think you're a little too into this!
Scully: (Dressed like Britney) What do you mean?
----
Mulder: WHO IS GOING AFTER YOU?
Britney: I like dogs!
----
JOIN US AS MULDER, SCULLY AND PRINCESS JAILBAIT EXPLORE THE UNKNOWN!
Mulder, Scully and Britney: ONLY ON FOX!
========================
[Meanwhile, in Dr. Evil's lair, Dr. Evil, Mini Me, and Mini Maul are
listening to Harry Fagina give his report.]
Harry Fagina: ...and that was the last I saw of Sean Connery or Poison
Ivy.
Dr. Evil: And you're saying that it was not Austin Powers who defeated
them?
Harry Fagina: No, it was a pair of FBI agents. Fox Mulder and Dana
Scully.
Dr. Evil: Mulder and Scully, eh? Well, it appears we shall have to
liquidate these two before we kill Austin Powers.
Harry Fagina: How will we do that?
Dr. Evil: Simple, my offensively-named friend. King Tut will take our
newest member with him and will destroy Mulder and Scully with a
light amplifying device I have invented called a [he, Mini Me, and
Mini Maul make quotation marks with their fingers] "laser".
With this "laser", we shall rule the world!
Harry Fagina: I'll tell King Tut to prepare.
[Harry Fagina leaves]
Dr. Evil: [to Mini Me] Mini Me, would you like to take a walk?
Mini Me: [shakes his head]
Mini Maul: [smiles and waves his hands frantically]
Dr. Evil: Ah, Mini Maul... I see you would like to go. Come with me.
I like you, Mini-Maul.
[Dr. Evil and Mini Maul walk out of the room as Mini Me looks on and
scowls. He doesn't like the new "mini" in the gang. Meanwhile, Mulder,
Scully, and Fatgirl...]
Batgirl: HEY!!!
[Sorry, it was a slip of the tougue. Mulder, Scully, and Fatgirl...]
Batgirl: You did it again.
[Did I? Pardon me. Mulder, Scully, and Fatgirl are walking down the
streets of swinging London.]
Batgirl: I get the feeling the narrator doesn't like me.
Scully: You're not alone.
Mulder: Hell, HE'S not alone.
[A black car, with an egyptian sphinx as a hood ornament, parks across
the street. Inside the car, King Tut and the 5th season Londo (from
Babylon 5), the newest L.O.L.A., prepare a "laser"]
King Tut: This is it, Londo... you and I will destroy Mulder and Scully
and gain favor in Pharoh Evil's eyes.
Londo: I'm just doing this because I'm a complex, mysterious, and
tragic character. (I know this because J. Michael Strazinski told
me so) Plus, I've been infected by an alien creature that makes
me do evil things.
King Tut: Ah, like that Star Trek episode a few years back?
Londo: Star Trek? Star Trek is evil (I know this because J. Michael
Strazinyski told me so and if J.M.S. said it, it has to be true).
What does Star Trek have on Babylon 5?
King Tut: More history, successful spin-offs, nine movies, over twenty-
three seasons of episodes, a more loyal fan-base, the characters
don't carry on and speak like they're a bunch of politicians, THEY
never won a war by talking two immensely powerful enemies to
death, THEY'VE never had an actor playing the captain up and
leave. THEIR ships look at least half-way real. They...
Londo: ENOUGH! Star Trek steals everything Babylon 5 ever did! Why
would J. Michael Strazinski lie about such a thing?
King Tut: [slaps Londo on the forehead] Because he's the COMPETITION
brainiac! Do you honestly think that JMS would go around making
the competition look good? Babylon 5 is the most overrated...
Londo: Shut up.
King Tut: ...boring...
Londo: Shut up!
King Tut: ...self important...
Londo: SHUT UP!
King Tut: ...piece of tripe I've ever seen!
Londo: YOU SON OF A BITCH!!!
[Londo and King Tut begin fighting. Soon, they fall out of the car and
begin beating each other in the street. Temporarally seperated, Tut and
Londo square off like Sumo Wrestlers and go at it again. Suddenly, they
notice Mulder, Scully, and Batgirl walking on the other side of the
street.]
Londo: ENOUGH! We are missing our chance! Arm the "laser"!
[Tut does so and aims it at Mulder, Scully, and Batgirl.]
Londo: Ready?
King Tut: Ready.
Londo: Aim!
King Tut: Aiming...
[Across the street, Scully gets out a compact mirror and checks her
make-up.]
Londo: FIRE!!!
King Tut: Firing!
[King Tut fires the "laser" at our heroes (and batgirl) which bounces
off the compact and strikes Tut and Londo who vaporize instantly.]
Scully: Mulder, did you see that flash?
Mulder: What flash?
Scully: [closes compact] Damned paperazzi.
[In Doctor Evil's lair...]
Dr. Evil: Idiots! Frickkin' idiots! So far, every L.O.L.A. I have
sent against this Mulder and Scully have failed! I need a plan...
Ah! I have it! I will distribute computers with a fatal flaw
that will, on the stoke of midnight in the year 2000, cause
computers everywhere to think that it is the year 1900 thus
causing confusion, inconvenience, and the small possibility of
planetary financial collapse... that is, unless, the governments
of the world pays us... ONE MILLION DOLLARS!!! [does pinkie
thing]
Number Two: [clears throat] I'm afraid that is a problem that the
world is already currently facing.
Dr. Evil: Riiight... why doesn't anybody frickkin' tell me these
things!? all right, forget the computer bug... I have another
plan... We will create a cartoon filled with foul-language that
will be attractive to children thus influencing them and causing
them to become juvenile deviants that is... unless... the world
pays us... a hefty ransom. [does pinkie thing]
Scott: [sneezing] RIP-OFF! RIP-OFF! RIP-OFF!
Dr. Evil: God bless you, Scott.
Number Two: I'm afraid that has happened all ready, Dr. Evil. South
Park? You remember?
Dr. Evil: Very well... I have an even better plan. We will make it
appear as though the president of the United States has had an
affair on his wife INSIDE the Oval Office of the White House with
an intern... that is, unless... he pays us ONE MILLION DOLLARS!!!
[does pinkie thing]
Number Two: Actually...
Dr. Evil: Don't tell me... it's been done.
Number Two: Yes.
Dr. Evil: Shit. Oh hell, let's just do what we always do: Hijack a
nuclear weapon and hold the world hostage... yes?
Scott: How do you hold the world hostage with one nuclear weapon? I
mean, a city... yeah. But the world? I think not!
Dr. Evil: Scott, you just don't get it. Do ya?
Scott: All I'm saying is that you're approaching this all the wrong
way. That's all!
Dr. Evil: Okay... forget I have all the experience in taking over the
world, let's all listen to Scott now. [he gets out of his seat]
Scott, since you have all the answers... would you like to take
over?
Scott: Yeah! [He sits in Doctor Evil's seat, Evil sits in Scott's
seat] Okay... right. This is what we're going to do. We're
going to kidnap the heads of all governments in the world and
hold them hostage for one billion dollars a piece.
Dr. Evil: What makes you think they'll pay?
Scott: Because they just will, okay?
Dr. Evil: I think this is a really lame plan, Scott.
Scott: All right, you be quiet.
Dr. Evil: You're not thinking it...
Scott: QUIET!
Dr. Evil: I'm just trying to...
Scott: You know my favorite 80's band? QUIET Riot!
Dr. Evil: If you will just...
Scott: Quuuuuuuuuuuuuiet!
Dr. Evil: All I'm trying to say is...
Scott: [singing] I know all there is to know about the QUIET game.
Dr. Evil: You are really pushing it...
Scott: Teiuq!
Dr. Evil: Huh?
Scott: Spelled backwards... QUIET!!! [looks at Mini-Maul] God,
you're a funky looking critter. [Mini-Maul bites Scott's finger.
Scott slings him around wildly, but the little Sith refuses to let
go.]
Dr. Evil: So, Scott... who's in charge?
Scott: [in pain] YOU ARE!!! YOU ARE!!!
Dr. Evil: Riiiight. Mini-Maul! Release him!
[Mini-Maul lets go of Scott's finger and scurries back to Dr. Evil's
side. Mini-Me watches all of this and seems quite angry.]
Dr. Evil: I'm so glad you're in my life now, Mini-Maul.
Mini-Maul: [Smiles]
Mini-Me: [Gives Mini-Maul the finger]
Dr. Evil: Mr. Freeze... it's your turn to kill Mulder and Scully.
Hop to it!
Mr. Freeze: YES!!! I VILL KILL DEM!!!
Dr. Evil: Riiiiight. Mulder and Scully... you're days are numbered!
[Dr. Evil and gang commence the trademark maniacal laughter that
continues for several minutes before slowly dying.]
Dr. Evil: Mr. Freeze! Before you go, I have a surprise for you!
Mr. Freeze: Ja? Vot iz it?
Dr. Evil: Excuse me?
Mr. Freeze: Vot iz it yoo vant, mein Doktor?
Dr. Evil: Tell me, can we write a European character withOUT the accent?
Throw me a frickin' bone here! I'm the boss....need to comprende!
[Okay.]
Mr. Freeze: (Translated from whatever Arnold speaks) What is it, my
doctor?
Dr. Evil: Considering that our past duo's of L.O.L.A have been killed, I
have decided to assemble a mass group of L.O.L.A.'s in order to
kill those interfering dimwits Mulder and Scully! These lucky
people will follow your orders Mr. Freeze! They will be called
Deadly Organized Ravenous Killers!
Scott: What? That spells D.O.R.K.s!
Dr. Evil: And you have a problem with that?
Scott: Actually, no! I find that name suprisingly fitting!
Dr. Evil: Riiiiiight. Now Mr. Freeze! Meet your teammates! First up,
meet the reason the sales of Spider-Man Comics went down in 1996-
98: The Scarlet Spider, Ben Reilly!
Scarlet Spider: Hi! I'm just like Spider-Man except I'm blonde!
Dr. Evil: You must be proud. Next...Professor Zoom! The Reverse Flash!
Reverse-Flash: I'm just like the Flash! Except I'm Yellow and Red
instead of Red and Yellow!
Dr. Evil: And I will also be sending Rickman and Egghead.
Rickman: Why me? I don't wanna die!
Dr. Evil: What makes you think you're going to die?
Rickman: Because everyone we've sent has died! DUH!
Dr. Evil: Egghead isn't complaining! Look at him!
[Egghead is praying furiously in the corner]
Scott: He's right! Look at the team you've assembled! Two lame-ass
ripoffs, a powerless Colonel, Egghead, and Mr. Freeze! For god's
sakes, the guy you place in charge can't even speak English
without a translator!
Mr. Freeze: Fock yoo!
Translator: He said...
Scott: I UNDERSTOOD THAT!
Dr. Evil: Scott...Do you watch a lot of movies?
Scott: Yeah. Why?
Dr. Evil: Have you seen "Can't Hardly Wait For You To SHH"?
Scott: But...
Dr. Evil: How about "Enemy Of The SHHtate"?
Scott: Waita...
Dr. Evil: Seen "Buffy: The Vampire SHHlayer"?
Scott: C'Mon...
Dr. Evil: Even "AuSHHtin Powers?"
Scott: Getting old...
Dr. Evil: Maybe "Byrds of ParadiSHH"?
Scott: JESUS! "Byrds of Paradise" was only on for a month!
[This continues for many minutes. The D.O.R.K. squad leaves.]
========================
COMMERCIAL BREAK
YOU'VE SEEN BIG SNAKES IN MOVIES! YOU'VE SEEN BIG MONKEYS! YOU'VE SEEN
BIG SHARKS AND BIG ALLIGATORS...NOW GET READY FOR THE MOTHER OF ALL BIG
ANIMAL MOVIES!!!
A GIANT EAGLE! IN PARAMOUNT'S NEW MOVIE "THE HEIGHT OF FEAR"!!!
Keanu Reeves stars as a biologist who teams up with a explorer played by
Catherine Zeta-Jones in order to save a giant eagle from a notorious big
game hunter (played by Christopher Walken)! Co-Starring Joe Pantoliano,
Dina Meyers and Tony Todd as "Hakeem"!
----
(a giant eagle devours a person)
Keanu: Whoa!
----
THIS SUMMER: THE SKY'S THE LIMIT!!!
========================
[Meanwhile at the Fat-Cave....]
Batgirl: BATCAVE!
[Whatever.]
Mulder: What is this place?
Batgirl: The Batcave. Headquarters for fighting evil.
Scully: What kind of computer is this?
Batgirl: That's not a computer. That's my refrigerator.
Scully: And this computer?
Batgirl: That's another refrigerator.
Scully: What's this?
Batgirl: My microwave.
Scully: And this?
Batgirl: My pantry.
Scully: What's that over there?
Batgirl: A three layer cake I'm going to have for dessert.
Mulder: I'm seeing a pattern here.
Scully: How is all this going to help us find Dr. Evil and the L.O.L.A.
headquarters?
Batgirl: Think later. Eat now!
[Two hours later... Batgirl has eaten that big-ass cake, a pumpkin pie,
a whale, ten burritos, the dog from Taco Bell, and Actress Liv Tyler.]
Batgirl: Okay, what was it you wanted?
Scully: (pauses) Shit! I forgot!
Batgirl: Okay. I go eat now!
[Two more hours later... Batgirl has devoured Micheal Keaton, Val
Kilmer, George Clooney, Chris O'Donnell and Adam West.]
Scully: Can we get on with this?
Batgirl: Fine. Let's get to work.
[Batgirl sits down at the computer and starts typing some things. Scully
walks over to her.]
Scully: What are you doing?
Batgirl: I'm hacking the L.O.L.A. mainframe. I'm trying to access their
database of operatives.
Mulder: It looks like you're playing Duke Nukem.
Batgirl: AM NOT!
Computer: Come get some!
Batgirl: Never mind!
[Batgirl turns off the computer.]
Batgirl: There's an informant downtown that could posibly help us find
Dr. Evil's lair. Let's Go.
[Mulder and Scully get in the batmobile backseat. Batgirl gets in and
the car tips on two wheels. The drive downtown to meet with her stoolie
in an abandoned apartment building.]
Huggy Bear: What the dilly-o?
Batgirl: We're looking for L.O.L.A.
Huggy Bear: Dizamn! You looking fat, girl!
Batgirl: Thanks!
Huggy Bear: Not phat, FAT! You been scarfing the donuts?
[Batgirl let's this info sink in.]
Batgirl: HEY! Just the info about L.O.L.A.!
Huggy Bear: I never touched her! I swear!
Mulder: CAN WE STICK TO THE FACTS?
Scully: Did you just say that, Mulder?
Mulder: Yeah. Scares me too.
Huggy Bear: They'll kill me if I tell you!
Batgirl: (pulls out a 20) Maybe this will refresh you memory!
Huggy Bear: They won't just kill me, They'll make me watch a marathon of
the New Hollywood Squares!
Batgirl: (pulls out another 20) Remember now?
Huggy Bear: What do you wanna know?
Scully: Where are they located?
Huggy Bear: Why should I tell you?
Scully: This is why! (Hands him a $20)
Huggy Bear: In an underground lair.
Mulder: Where?
Huggy Bear: I don't know!
Mulder: This oughta help you think! (Hands him a $20)
Huggy Bear: It's underground! Who are you two?
Mulder: It's too dangerous for you to know.
Huggy Bear: (hands Mulder and Scully $20 each) I live for danger!
Mulder: Fox Mulder.
Scully: Dana Scully.
Mulder and Scully: FBI.
Scully: Mulder. What good is this doing us?
Mulder: I have no idea.
Scully: (Hands him a $20) Try now.
Mulder: This is giving us a chance to find L.O.L.A. What do you think?
Scully: I'm not sure.
Mulder: Batgirl. I need to borrow $20!
Batgirl: Why?
Mulder: I don't know.
Batgirl: (Hands him a $20) How about now?
Mulder: Thanks. I need to bribe Scully. Scully! (Hands her a $20) What
do you think?
Scully: I think Huggy Bear is dead!
Mulder: What?
Batgirl: What?
[Scully points at Huggy Bear. Mulder and Batgirl stare at his dead
body.]
Batgirl: Shit!
Mulder: What killed him?
Scully: I don't have a clue.
Batgirl: (Hands her a $20) How about now?
Scully: It looks like he choked on...vomit!
Batgirl: GOOD LORD! RUN FOR IT!
Scully: What?
Batgirl: THEY'RE HERE!
Mulder: Who?
Batgirl: L.O.L.A.!
Mr. Freeze: Nein. Not L.O.L.A. Ve are D.O.R.K.S.!
Mulder: What?
Translator: No. Not L.O.L.A. We are D.O.R.K.S.!
Mulder: Oh.
Mr. Freeze: GET ZEM!
Everyone: What?
Translator: Get them.
Everyone: Oh.
[The D.O.R.K.S. rush Mulder, Scully and Batgirl.]
Batgirl: Kill 'em all!
Mulder: Y'know what this means, Scully...
Scully: Yep...
[Mulder and Scully touch hands]
Mulder and Scully: FBI POWERS! ACTIVATE!
Mulder: Form of a Chimpanzee!
Scully: Shape of an ice hammer!
[Mulder and Scully transform into a Chimpanzee carrying an ice hammer.
The chimp runs around and hits the D.O.R.K.s on their feet.]
BANG!
Egghead: Ow!
BOFF!
Rickman: Ow!
WHAM!
Reverse Flash: Ow!
ZAP!
Scarlet Spider: Ow!
KABOOM!
Mr. Freeze: Ow!
SPLAT!
Translator: Ow!
[Mulder and Scully change back]
Batgirl: What the hell good was that?
Mulder and Scully: Dunno.
Mr. Freeze: ATTOCH!
Translator: Attack!
[Reverse Flash rushes our heroes. Scully sticks her foot out, tripping
him and sending him carrening into a brick wall, killing him]
Mulder: Hey! Batgirl! I think the Scarlet Spider has a box of Ding Dongs
on him!
Batgirl: MMMM! FOOD!
[Batgirl devours the Scarlet Spider]
Batgirl: Now kill the translator! If he dies, Egghead and Rickman won't
understand his orders!
[Mulder and Scully draw their guns. Being the great shots they are, they
kill Egghead, Rickman and Mr. Freeze.]
Translator: I'm ALIVE! YES! Hey, cool! A bag of Cheez-its!
Mulder and Scully: uh-oh.
Batgirl: I LOVE CHEEZ-ITS!
[Batgirl devours the Translator]
Scully: That was really weird.
Mulder: Totally.
Batgirl: Hey! They left something behind!
Mulder: What?
Batgirl: A copy of Goodbye Lover, Kuffs and Holy Man.
Scully: OH MY GOD! BOMBS!
[The building explodes.]
========================
COMMERCIAL BREAK
[Jerry O'Connell appears on screen with a cardboard sign that says,
"Will act for food". Charlie O'Connell is behind him trying to be a
male prostitute. Sally Struthers looking about three hundred pounds
walks into the scene.]
Sally Struthers: Every year, hundreds of young actors and actresses
shoot their careers in the foot because they think they're too
important for the shows that made them famous in the first place.
At the Save the Actors Guild... S.T.A.G., we take care of these
unfortunate souls.
[A dozen uniformed soldier rush into the scene and shoot the O'Connells
dead.]
Sally Struthers: [eats a piece of chicken] Go ahead... make the call.
Anthony Michael Hall is standing by.
========================
[The building explodes. Mulder, Scully and Batgirl walk out of the
wreckage unscathed.]
Bystander: How did you do that?
Mulder: I changed into a Hippo...
Scully: While I changed into an ice umbrella...
Batgirl: And I ate our way out!
Bystander: That doesn't make any sense! What the hell are you people!
You aren't FBI and aren't you the chick from The Crush?
[A piano falls from the sky and kills the Bystander]
Mulder, Scully and Batgirl: Thanks, Jesse!
Jesse: You're welcome.
Mulder: Now what? All we know is they have an underground lair and they
have access to a whole bunch of bombs!
Batgirl: THAT'S IT! I KNOW WHERE L.O.L.A. is hiding out!
Scully: Where?
Batgirl: BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO!
Mulder: What makes you think that?
Batgirl: Have you ever been to a Blockbuster? They have nothing but a
whole buch of straight to video crapfests! Bloodsport 4...
Sensations...
Scully: Meatballs 4...I Like To Play Games...
Batgirl and Scully: Playing God...
Mulder: HEY! What about The Babysitter?
Batgirl: HEY! What about Red Shoe Diaries?
Scully: STOP IT! Let's just leave!
[Mulder, Scully and Batgirl go to the nearest Blockbuster]
Mulder: All right now! We just have to look for the nearest crappy video
and maybe that will activate the secret passageway to L.O.L.A.s
hideout!
Scully: What makes you think that?
Mulder: Saw it on an old episode of Scooby Doo.
Batgirl: Then it's guaranteed to work!
[Scully stares at Mulder and Batgirl]
Mulder: Now get looking for the crappiest movie!
[Mulder, Scully and Batgirl get to looking. Batgirl picks up a copy of
"The Last Supper" And is about to chew on it...]
Scully: NO! Bad Batgirl! We do not gnaw on our Cameron Diaz flicks!
Mulder: So many bad movies....Godzilla, Lost In Space, I Know What You
Did Last Summer, Urban Legend...
Clerk X: Can I help you with something sir?
Mulder: I'm looking for the worst movie of all time!
Clerk X: Plan 9 From Outer Space?
Mulder: Worse.
Clerk X: Batman And Robin?
Batgirl: HEY!
Mulder: The worst of all time!
Clerk X: Perhaps you're looking in the wrong places, Mr. Mulder!
Mulder: Dammit, I don't have any time for your games! You sonuvabitch!
Where is the tape?
Clerk X: Why should I tell you?
Mulder: (hands him a $20) Maybe this'll refresh yor memory.
Scully: NO! WE'RE NOT GOING INTO THAT BIT AGAIN!
Clerk X: All I can say is....Look for the name "Wuhrer"!
[Clerk X dissapears....into Batgirl's stomach as she devours him]
Scully: BATGIRL!
Mulder: That was our informant! Dammit!
Batgirl: Sorry. I got hungry.
Mulder: Let's see...Wuhrer. "Anaconda", "Vivid", "Sex and The Other
Man", "Thinner"...Excuse me miss!
Kari Wuhrer: You're excused.
Mulder: Thanks.
[Mulder does a double take]
Mulder: Great googly moogly! Quasi-actress Kari Wuhrer!
Kari Wuhrer: Hi.
Batgirl: I smell silicone. Getting.....hungry!
Scully: NO! Bad Silverstone!
[Scully hits Batgirl with a rolled up paper]
Mulder: Where can we find the L.O.L.A. headquarters?
Kari: Um...I can't say! Or my fate will be worse than death!
Mulder: C'mon...
Kari: Nope.
Mulder: Right now.
Kari: Not talking!
Mulder: Pronto.
Kari: Negatory!
Mulder: C'mon...fess up!
Kari: No!
Scully: THAT'S IT! TELL US YOU BIG-BOOBED BIMBO!
[Scully starts shaking Kari violently]
Mulder: Scully! Stop that!
Scully: Sorry.
[Kari is still shaking violently]
Mulder: Why is she still shaking?
Scully: Apparently her breasts are still shaking.
Batgirl: Look at that nipplage fly! WHOO!
Kari: F-F-F-Fine! I-I-I-I'll telllll y-y-yooouuu! P-P-Pull on the c-c-
copy of "54"
Mulder: Of course...54! The worst Mike Myers movie ever!
[All of a sudden, Fat Bastard drops from out of the sky and lands on
Kari, killing her.]
Fat Bastard: CANNONBALL!
Scully: She's right. It was a fate worse than death!
Mulder: She's not dead yet! Look!
[Kari Wuhrer is stuck between Fat Bastard's massive ass cheeks]
Kari: Help me! Help me! Hey! Corn! Cool!
[Mulder and Scully start vomiting]
Fat Bastard: Ach! Ye wee federal agents! You're so tiny...GET IN MAH
BELLY!
[Fat Bastard starts running towards Mulder and Scully]
Mulder and Scully: FBI POWERS! ACTIVATE!
Mulder: Form of a Weasel!
Scully: Shape of an ice ramp!
[Mulder and Scully transform. Mulder/Weasel jumps on Fat Bastard's face,
distracting him. Fat Bastard slips and flies off the ramp, careening
through the air]
Batgirl: THUNDER SILVERSTONE POWER GO!
[Batgirl jumps into the air and collides with Fat Bastard, creating a
explosion so big, it could qualify as a new sun!]
Mulder: My god! It's full of stars!
[Fat Bastard and Batgirl land on the ground creating tremors on the
richter scale of 5.54]
Batgirl: I should let you know...I am trained in Kung Food!
Fat Bastard: As am I lassie!
[Fat Bastard pulls out a pair of Hot dog nunchucks. Batgirl pulls out a
salmon.]
Fat Bastard: FREEEEEDOOOOOOOMMMMM!
Batgirl: COBRALALALALALALA!
Mulder: Sweet Jesus! It's the end of the world! Hold me, Scully! (Jumps
into Scully's arms)
Scully: Get off me!
[Fat Bastard and Batgirl run toward each other, ready to kill. They
suddenly stop.]
Fat Bastard: I canna do it! I'm a lover not a fighter!
Batgirl: Take me, you big hunk of stud meat!
[Mulder and Scully begin to vomit again. Batgirl and Fat Bastard start
doing the nasty in the Horror aisle of Blockbuster. Appropriate, no?]
Mulder: I'm never going to be aroused again.
Scully: C'mon! This is our chance! She's distracting him long enough for
us to get to the secret passage!
[Mulder and Scully go to the copy of 54 and pull on it. A doorway opens
and they rush through. Mulder takes one look back, shudders and leaves.]
========================
Coming from Disney... it's THE TACO BELL DOG: THE MOVIE!
Dog: Yo queiro Taco Bell.
Starring Matthew Brodrick as the guy with the Taco!
[The dog walks up to Broderick who is eating a taco. Brodrick looks at
the dog.]
Dog: Yo quero Taco Bell.
Cameron Diaz as the Taco Bell customer.
[Cameron Diaz looks down at the dog.]
Dog: Yo quero tu sexo!
The critics are raving!
Roger Ebert calls TACO BELL DOG: THE MOVIE:
"A total shit fest from beginning to end!"
...Gene Shallat says:
"Crap-o-rama!"
...and prissy Rex Reed says:
"Does this dress make me look fat?"
TACO BELL DOG: THE MOVIE! Hiking it's leg in a theater near you!
Dog: You quero cojer tu peneria!
========================
MEANWHILE....IN DR. EVIL'S UNDERGROUND LAIR!!!
Dr. Evil: Okay, we've had some setbacks. But we can move on...
Scott: Setbacks? Your henchman have either been eaten by Batgirl or
they're humping her!
Dr. Evil: Okay, Scott. No reason for potty mouth! But we do have another
plan. It's called OPERATION: BIG FRICKING MONSTER! We have
procured the biggest of all lame villains, Godzilla! And he will
destroy Mulder and Scully!
Number 2: Ahem...Dr. Evil?
Dr. Evil: Yes?
Number 2: We had a problem trying to get Godzilla. Too many copyright
problems.
Dr. Evil: Riiiiiight. So now what?
Number 2: Mighty Joe Young.
Dr. Evil: Riiiiiight. The big monkey?
Number 2: Yes.
Dr. Evil: Is he ill-tempered?
Number 2: He worked with Bill Paxton!
Dr. Evil: Ah. He's royally pissed, then! That's a start.
[Fat Bastard and Batgirl are lying next to each other having just boffed
each other's chubby little brains out and causing cataclysmic tidal
waves all over the coasts of California and far off in Japan. Fat
Bastard takes a puff of a smoke and Batgirl takes a bite out of a smoked
ham.]
Batgirl: So, was I better than Heather Graham?
Fat Bastard: Ach, much better lass. I'm still pulling those damn
rollerblades out of my bodily orifices! Oh, wait... I think I
found another one. [he reaches around an pulls out...]
Kari Wuhrer: THANK GOD! I thought you forgot about me!
Fat Bastard: [discards her] Yah wanna have another visit from mah
slick willy, mah plump little lass?
Batgirl: [sighs] F.B., you and I both know that this can never work.
You're evil, I'm good. You were in a hit, I was in a flop.
You're Scottish, I'm a valley girl. You eat babies, I eat... [she
thinks] Okay, so we have some things in common. Fat Bastard, I
think we have to stop seeing each other.
Fat Bastard: Aye, I've thought about thuh same thing. So, I guess
this is it then.
Batgirl: Yeah... Good-bye, Fat Bastard.
Fat Bastard: Good-bye Fatgirl.
Batgirl: It's Batgirl.
Fat Bastard: Uh... right.
[Fat Bastard manages to pull himself out of the crater he and Batgirl
created from their frantic humping and walks out of the Blockbuster.]
Batgirl: I've lost my one and only true love in the world. I'm so
alone... so afraid... so lost... so... Ooo! Candy!
[Batgirl runs to the candy aisle and devours every last morsel of sugar
and three unfortunate toddlers in the process.]
Batgirl: Mmmmm... Nutragous!
[Batgirl wipes the drool from her chins and leans up against a display
for "Wild, Wild West" which swings opens revealing an entrance to
L.O.L.A. headquarters. She falls in with an earth-shattering ka-boom.
Meanwhile, in FBI headquarters, Skinner is speaking with Basil
Exposition of British Intelligence.]
Basil Exposition: ...therefore, considering that Agents Mulder and
Scully have not been heard from in over three days, I must ask
that more agents be sent to help us!
Skinner: Don't you froggy morons have any agents of your own?
Basil: Yes, but we don't want to waste them. [he blinks] Did you just
call me "froggy"? That's an insult to FRENCH people, you idiot!
Skinner: Shut up froggy! I'm on my way to London! I'll solve this
case myself!
[Skinner deactivates the screen and walks outside to get a cab.]
Skinner: TAXI!
[A taxi pulls up and Skinner gets inside.]
Skinner: Take me to the airport, Mr... [he reads the card] Toonces?
[Skinner looks up and sees that his driver is a gray tabby cat]
Music: Toonces, the driving cat,
the cat who could drive a car.
He drives around, all over the town.
Toonces the driving cat!
Announcer: Toonces: The Cat Who Could Drive a Car. Tonight's episode,
"More Than One Way to Skinner a Cat"
[The Taxi takes off driving wildly down the street.]
Skinner: HEY! This isn't the way to the airport! I'll have you
reported! I'll have you arrested! I'll have you... TOONCES!!!
LOOK OUT!!!
Skinner and Toonces: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
[The cab goes off a cliff and smashes onto the rocks below exploding
into a million pieces.]
Music: Toonces the driving cat!
[Back in the dark corridors of L.O.L.A. headquarters, Mulder and Scully
are carefully making their way into the enemy hideout when all of the
sudden, Batgirl smashes through a brick wall holding a pitcher of Kool-
Aid.]
Batgirl: OH YEAH! [She chugs the Kool-Aid and belches]
Scully: Fatgirl!
Batgirl: BAT-GIRL! Say it with me... BUH-AT GUH-ERL!
Mulder: Shut your fat FUH-KING MUH-OUTH! We're in enemy headquarters,
brainiac! Any minute now, a million lame-ass villains could
descend on us and attack!
Scully: So, what did you learn from Fat Bastard? Anything that could
help us?
Batgirl: I learned that butt-corn tastes nothing like real corn.
Mulder and Scully: [turning green] ACK!
Batgirl: Fat Bastard and I broke up... it just wasn't meant to be. Oh,
WOE IS ME! WOE IS MEEEEE!
Echoing: MEEEE! MEEEE! MEEEE! MEEEE!
Alarms: Warning! Intruder on level forty-seven!
Mulder: Shit!
[Suddenly, Twenty Kromaggs descend from the ceiling and two dozen Kazon
come out of a panel in the wall.]
Mulder: We're surrounded!
Scully: By lame-ass villains!
Batgirl: I'm hungry!
[Mulder, Scully, and Fatgirl are taken prisoner and taken away to
separate cells. A little while later, Mulder is confronted by Doctor
Evil, Mini-Me, Mini-Maul, and Scott.]
Dr. Evil: So, Agent Mulder... I see you've failed to disrupt my plan
for world domination.
Mulder: What plan?
Dr. Evil: Ah, you do not know of my plan, eh? Well, I see I will have
to explain it to you in detail and then leave you in an easily
escapable situation with a totally inept guard. Fine, I can do
that.
Scott: Yeah, or better yet... we could NOT!
Dr. Evil: All right, I've had enough of you. Now, SILENCE!
Scott: If you explain everything to him, he'll just use it later to
defeat you!
Dr. EVIL: SILENCE!
Scott: You're making a mistake!
Dr. EVIL: Ever see the SILENCE of the lambs?
Scott: This is dumb!
Dr. Evil: Have you done your SILENCE project?
Scott: I just don't see why you have to...
Mulder: He's not just the president, he's a client... he's SILENCE
Sperling!
Scott: Don't you start!
Mulder: Gimmie an "S"
Dr. Evil: S! Gimmie a "I"
Mulder: I! Gimmie a "L" and an "E"
Dr. Evil: Only if you'll give me a "N" and a "C"
Mulder: Let's throw in another "E".
Dr. Evil: What we got now!?
Mulder and Dr. Evil: SILENCE! SILENCE! Whooooooooah SILENCE!
Scott: Fine, screw both of you!
[Scott Evil storms off. Mini-Me flips him off. Mini-Maul gives Mini-Me
an evil look.]
Dr. Evil: Now, Agent Mulder... My plan is simple. I have stolen a
nuclear warhead from the breakaway Russian republic of
Bykerblacinyickistahn and with this missile I will DESTROY ARUBA!
Mulder: No. No! NOOOOOOO! [a pause] Why Aruba?
Dr. Evil: Simple, without Aruba the world will have no place to relax
and without a place to relax, tension will mount, stress will
build, and the world will fall into a state of anarchy! In that
anarchy, I will seize the governments of the world with the help
of the newly formed L.O.L.A. organization that is, unless, the
governments of the world pay us... [camera zooms in as Dr. Evil,
Mini-Me, and Mini-Maul do the pinkie thing] ...one MILLION
DOLLARS!
Mulder: That's plan is just crazy enough to... NOT WORK!
Dr. Evil: We shall see, Agent Mulder... We shall see. COME MINI-DUO!
[Dr. Evil and the Mini-Clones exit leaving inept guard, The Evil Slutty
Third Season Maggie Beckett in charge of guarding Mulder. Meanwhile,
Harry Fagina and Number Two are lording over Scully who is tied to a
chair. Harry Fagina is trying to seduce Scully into revealing all she
knows about the Ministry of Defense's plans to infiltrate L.O.L.A.]
Harry Fagina: Can I get you anything, my dear? Coffee perhaps?
Scully: Well, I would like some coffee.
Number Two: [pouring coffee] How do you like it?
Scully: I like my coffee the way I like my men.
Harry Fagina: [raises an eyebrow] And how is that?
Scully: Milk and two sugars.
Harry Fagina: You're a funny lady, Dana... tell me... How many agents
do the Ministry of Defense have in L.O.L.A.?
Scully: I ain't gonna talk!
Harry Fagina: Not even for me? [He smiles. His teeth does that "DING!"
thing. Scully swoons.]
Scully: No! No! I cannot tell you that the three of us are the only
three here! [a pause] Aw, shit.
Harry Fagina: Thank you, Agent Scully. You've been most helpful. [To
Number Two] What do we do with her now?
Number Two: Doctor Evil orders that we throw her to Mighty Joe Young to
test his ferocity.
Harry Fagina: Good idea. I'm sure he'll go APE over her.
[Scully and Number Two stare at him]
Harry Fagina: Being that he is an ape and "going ape" is a reference to
one being especially fond of someone or something. It's...
homonym.
[Scully and Number Two stare at him]
Harry Fagina: Okay, so that joke bombed. It's not like it's the first
one in this story!
[Shamu the whale falls on him, crushing him into a puddle of chunky red
goo.]
Number Two: [To the sky] Thanks.
Jason: Welcome.
Scully: Yeah, thanks... when I saw the whale, I thought fatgirl was
coming to save me!
[Number Two pushes Scully into Mighty Joe Young's cage where she flops
into a giant pile of ape crap.]
Scully: The first one to say that I'm going ape shit will die.
[Noted. In another room, Frau Farbissina and a garrison of Fourth
Season Kromagg and first and second season Kazon troops are watching
over Batgirl who is currently being hosed down by the lame all-powerful
sorcerer Imhotep from the latest and lamest Mummy movie.]
Frau Farbissina: Impotent, be careful!
Imhotep: It's Imhotep, not Impotent! I'll have you know that I am an
all powerful sorcerer! Watch as I summon one of the plagues of
Egypt!
[Impotent waves his hand in the air and suddenly, a plague of Richard
Simmons' descends on Frau Farbissina, the Kromaggs, and the Kazon.]
Richard Simmons': [lisping] Let'st stweat!!!
Frau Farbissina: MAKE ZEM GO AVAY FOR DAH LOVE OF GOD!!!
Imhotep: You will not underestimate my power again. [He calls off the
plague of Simmonses and starts hosing Batgirl down again like a
beached whale.]
Frau Farbissina: But Imhotep, you should not get so close to her...
[Fatgirl's tongue lashes out and wraps around Imhotep's leg dragging him
closer and closer to her awaiting jaws.]
Imhotemp: Batgirl, if you kill me... I will only get more powerful.
Then you will pay. YOU WILL ALL... AUGHHHHHHHHHH!!!
[Crunch, crunch, crunch... Fatgirl ingests Impotent.]
Batgirl: Yummy! He was garlicky!
[Frau Farbissina walks out of the room leaving Fatgirl alone with the
lame army. Meanwhile, in Mighty Joe Young's cage, Scully manages to
pull herself out of the pile of ape crap and gets herself untied. She
looks up and sees the massive and rather stupid primate looking down at
her and drooling.]
Scully: Ape... shit.
========================
If you're seeking employment and have a little patience with stupid
people, Hastings is the place for you.
Customer: Excuse me, I was wondering if you'd answer a question for me.
I rented American History X...
Clerk: Yeah?
Customer: ...and I was wondering where I could get parts one through
nine!
Clerk: What are you? Fucking stupid?
Customer: Fine! Then can you tell me where I can find Apollo one
through twelve?
HASTINGS: What are you, fucking stupid?
========================
[In Doctor Evil's Liar, Dr. Evil, Number Two, Frau Farbissina, Alotta
Fagina, Scott, Mini-Me, Mini-Maul, William Shatner: Director, and
Nuclear Man are seated around the table.]
Dr. Evil: [laughs] At last, all the major hurdles to my plan for world
domination have been removed and, at last, we can begin OPERATION:
BLOW UP ARUBA! Bring the Nuclear Warhead!
[The warhead is wheeled in by Doctor Smith from "Lost in Space" and
diminutive vampire, Deacon Frost from "Blade" played by quasi-midget
Steven Dorff. He stands next to Mini-Me and is only a couple of inches
taller.]
Dr. Evil: Ah, I see we have two new members. Excellent. Wouldn't you
agree, Mini-Maul?
[Mini-Maul smiles and nods. When Dr. Evil isn't looking, Mini-Me slaps
Mini-Maul upside the head. The two glare at each other, hate radiating
between their two beady little eyes.]
Mini-Me: [using sign language] YOU! I choose you!
Mini-Maul: [signing] You wanna fight?
Mini-Me: Under the table in the kitchen. Four O'Clock!
Mini-Maul: Make it Five O'Clock.
Mini-Me: Why five?
Mini-Maul: I don't want to miss Toonami.
Mini-Me: Yeah, Dragonball Z kicks ass!
Mini-Maul: Yeah, who needs a plot when you've got Japanamation!?
Mini-Me: So, we'll have the battle to the death at five?
Mini-Maul: Five. I'll see you in hell, Mini-Me!
Mini-Me: You are going to die, Mini-Maul!
[Doctor Evil watches Mini-Me and Mini-Maul sign to each other.]
Dr. Evil: Isn't that cute? I think they're finally getting along!
[Mini-Me and Mini-Maul flip each other off. The Nuclear Man eyes the
Nuclear Warhead as the theme from "Romeo and Juliet" begins to play.
Meanwhile, Mulder is being guarded by inept guard, the Evil Slutty Third
Season Maggie. Maggie sighs and looks at Mulder. Mulder sighs and
looks at Maggie. 70's porno music begins to play.]
Music: Bomb chika-bomb wow. Bomb, bomb chicka-bomb wow...
[Batgirl, in the meantime is being guarded by the Kromagg/Kazon army.]
Batgirl: I'm so... HUNGRY!
Kromagg: Quiet Orca!
Kazon: Yeah, don't make us angry Fatgirl!
Batgirl: IT'S BATGIRL!
Kromagg: Hey, is it just me or does she look... Oh, what's the word
I'm looking for?
Kazon: Fatter?
Kromagg: Yeah, that's it. Does she look like she's getting fatter to
you?
Kazon: Impossible. She has been tied down for an hour and has been
unable to eat anyone except for that Impotent guy from that stupid
Mummy movie who vowed to make her pay for devouring him. What did
he say? I will come back even more powerful than before?
[The words, "IMPORTANT PLOT POINT" begins to flash on the bottom of the
screen.]
Batgirl: I don't feel so well. [Her humongous stomach grumbles]
Kromagg: Enough, Two-Ton Tesse! You will remain here!
Kazon: Yeah, Saddlebags!
Batgirl: Don't call me that! It hurts my feelings!
Kromagg: Okay, what about fatty?
Kazon: Fatass?
Kromagg: Meat show?
Kazon: Waddle?
Kromagg: Wide Load?
Kazon: Hippo?
Kromagg: Gut-Bucket?
Kazon: Sooo-eeeeey!?
Kromagg: Porker?
Kazon: Oinker?
Kromagg: Piggly wiggly?
Kazon: Porcine?
Kromagg: Flabby?
Kazon: Blubber Butt?
Kromagg: Beached whale?
Kazon: Walrus?
Kromagg: Huge?
Kazon: Butterball?
Kromagg: Jelly belly?
Kazon: Lard ass?
Kromagg: Tub 'o lard?
Kazon: Thunder thighs?
Kromagg: Obese?
Kazon: Chunkster?
Kromagg: Balloon butt?
Kazon: Cholesterol Colony?
Kromagg: Fatty fatty two-by-four?
Kazon: Elephantine?
Kromagg: Sow?
Kazon: Buffalo butt?
Kromagg: Ten pounds of shit in a five pound bag?
Batgirl: STOP IT!!! JUST STOP IT!!! [Her stomach gurgles again] I
feel sick.
[Suddenly, a wall caves in revealing FAT BASTARD.]
Fat Bastard: I'm back! Big as life and twice as ugly! GET IN MAH
BELLY!
[Fat Bastard begins to inhale sucking all of the Kazon and Kromaggs into
his mouth. Once finished, he blelches loudly.]
Fat Bastard: [untying her] Bat-lass? Are ye all right?
Batgirl: I'm okay. You... You came back for me?
Fat Bastard: Aye, I realized that I loved ye more than life
itself and I want to spend the rest o' me life with ya.
Batgirl: Oh, FB!
Fat Bastard: Oh, Fatgirl!
Batgirl: It's bat... Oh, NEVERMIND!
[Fat Bastard and Batgirl embrace causing Batgirl to emit a loud and
juicy fart.]
Batgirl: Oh dear... I don't feel so...
[Batgirl grabs her butt and runs to the bathroom where, for the next
twenty sickening minutes, the sound of farting and squirting can be
heard.]
====================================
You've seen MORTAL KOMBAT!
You've seen SUPER MARIO BROTHERS!
You've seen WING COMMANDER!
You've seen STREET FIGHTER!
(why?)
Now, see the ultimate video game turned movie movie!
PONG: THE MOVIE!
Starring Calista Flockard as the right pong and Jesse Camp as the right
pong!
Calista Flockard: Beep.
Jesse Camp: Beep.
Calista Flockard: Beep.
Jesse Camp: Beep.
PONG: THE MOVIE
It may be boring, but it beats the shit out of Wing Commander!
====================================
[Meanwhile, Dr. Evil walks into the room where the nuclear warhead is
stored and stops in his tracks when he sees Nuclear Man humping the
warhead.]
Dr. Evil: GAH!
Nuclear Man: It's not what it looks like.
[Meanwhile, in Mighty Joe Young's cage...]
Joe: Oooo Oooo Ahhh Ahhh.
Scully: Nice monkey. Good monkey.
Joe: Ooo Ooo.
Scully: Me Scully. You Joe.
Joe: [Drooling and smelling funny]
Scully: Comprende? You understande dah English?
Joe: [Looking at Scully with a dozen flies buzzing around him]
Scully: Listen to me you stupid ape, I'm very busy right now and I
don't have time to screw with you.
Joe: [Goes ape-shit and begins beating his chest with his fists]
Scully: FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!
[Suddenly, one of Fatgirl's concussive farts rips through the cage
disintegrating the stone walls causing them to fall on Joe. Scully
stands up without a scratch on her.]
Scully: [dusts off her shoulder] That was convenient.
Joe: [whimpers pitifully under the rubble]
Scully: Serves you right for trying to kill me you big stupid primate!
Joe: [whimpers as a tear falls down his cheek]
Scully: Oh, DAMN ME AND MY BLEEDING HEART!
[Scully begins to dig Joe the giant monkey out. Meanwhile, in Mulder's
cell, Mulder and the Evil Slutty Third Season Maggie are getting dressed
after their little roll in the hay.]
Evil Slutty Third Season Maggie: You were wonderful.
Mulder: Yes, I was. Was it as good for me as it was for you?
Evil Slutty Third Season Maggie: I guess I have to put you back in your
cell now.
Mulder: Aw, Maggie... don't do that. We had such a good time.
Evil Slutty Third Season Maggie: Yes we did... but I am a member of
L.O.L.A. and you are in league with the forces of good. Sorry,
Mulder. You know I have to lock you up again.
Mulder: But remember our fling, Maggie? Remember the various positions
and utensils?
Evil Slutty Third Season Maggie: I did rather like the French tickler.
Mulder: So, you're going to leave me out?
Evil Slutty Third Season Maggie: I suppose I could.
Mulder: But Maggie, you know that's impossible. You're in league with
the forces of good and I'm a member of L.O.L.A.. Sorry, Maggie,
but you have to go back in your cell now.
Evil Slutty Third Season Maggie: Oh, Mulder...!
Mulder: No, don't argue with me Maggie. Now, get in that cell!
Evil Slutty Third Season Maggie: [stomps her foot] Party pooper!
[Evil Slutty Third Season Maggie walks into the cell. Mulder locks her
in and walks away.]
Evil Slutty Third Season Maggie: [after about three minutes] HEY! You
outsmarted me! No FAIR!
[Evil Slutty Third Season Maggie kicks the stone wall causing an
elaborate and unnecessarily slow-moving dipping mechanism to lower her
into a cage of ill-tempered mutant Guinea Pigs with lasers attached to
their heads. As The Evil Slutty Third Season Maggie is devoured in an
incredibly embarrassing way, Mulder stumbles into a room filled with
frilly lace and pink bedsheets.]
Mulder: What the hell is THIS place!?
[Suddenly, the song "These Boots are Made for Walking" begins to play as
a panel begins to turn revealing a legion of the evil seductive FEM-
BOTS!]
Fem-bots: Hello agent Mulder. ...agent Mulder. ....Mulder. Care to
have a little fun? ...to have a little fun? ...a little fun?
Mulder: Um, no thanks. I've been laid once today thank you. Besides,
I think I have to save Aruba of something...
Fem-Bots: You can't resist us, Agent Mulder. ...resist us, Agent
Mulder. ...Mulder.
[Metal things come out of the Fem-Bot's hooters and smoke shoots out
making Mulder all whoozy and sleepy. Meanwhile, Batgirl finally emerges
from the bathroom and rejoins Fat Bastard.]
Fat Bastard: Batgirl, will ye marry me?
Batgirl: Oh, fat Bastard! Of course I'll marry you!
Dr. Evil: [over intercom] Fat Bastard, I want you to come to the
meeting room on the double. Chop-chop! Pronto!
Fat Bastard: Shit! [to Batgirl] I'll be back later, lassie.
[The two kiss in a scene which is so obsene and sickening that it had to
be cut to avoid an NC-17 rating. Fat Bastard leaves and Batgirl goes
off to search for Mulder and Scully. Meanwhile, in Mighty Joe Young's
cage, Scully has uncovered the injured ape.]
Scully: There, all better. Now, I suppose to reward my kindness you'll
become my domesticated ally and, together, we will...
Joe: [gets up and smacks Scully into the opposite wall]
Scully: [Gets up] Oh, so THAT'S how it is, eh? Well, that's what I
get for thinking I could trust you just because you remind me of
Mulder. You may be hairy, smelly, and your knuckles may drag
the ground, but you are NOTHING like Mulder!
Joe: Oooo Oooo Ahhhhhh!
[Joe picks up a giant hunk on concrete and prepares to smush Scully
when, suddenly, Batgirl descends from the ceiling and clamps down on
Mighty Joe Young who fights to get free from Batgirl's jaws. (It's a lot
like that part from "Lake Placid" where the crocodile eats the bear).
After a few minutes, Joe is inside Batgirl's belly still trying to get
out before being dissolved by her toxic stomach acids.]
Scully: FATGIRL! Thank god you came to rescue me!
Batgirl: It's BATgirl... and where's Mulder?
Scully: I don't know. [a pause] Did you eat him?
Batgirl: Uhhh... I don't think so.
Scully: He must be held in another part of the... [she looks at
Batgirl] Um, Batgirl... don't take this the wrong way, but have
you gotten a little more massive since the last time I saw you?
You know... a little more corpulent... chunky... round... You
know... you seem to have gotten even more fucking fat!
Batgirl: [breaks down] Oh Scully... I have to tell someone. Agent
Scully, I'm expecting.
Scully: Expecting what?
Batgirl: I've got a bun in the oven.
Scully: Can't you think about something other than food for a minute!?
Batgirl: I'm going to have another mouth to feed.
Scully: Don't you feed the one you have enough?
Batgirl: SCULLY! I'M GOING TO HAVE FAT BASTARD'S BABY?
Scully: [silence]
Batgirl: Can't you say anything?
Scully: This is a day that will live in infamy.
[Meanwhile, in the bathroom, the toliet that Batgirl used - now cracked
and sunken into the tile floor - begins to glow with a radiating green
light.]
Voice from the Crapper: HA! HA! HA! Fools! Soon, Imhotep will rule
the world! HA! HA! HAAAA! Oh, hey... corn!
==================================
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Coming this fall to BET, it's The O.J. Simpson Show!
Kid: Dad, are you really getting married again?
OJ: Yeah, I thought I'd take another stab at it.
Wife: Oh come on, honey... it's not like taking out the garbage will
kill you!
OJ: No... not ME!!!
Wife: Oh, honey... with a face like that you could get away with
murder.
OJ: [looks at camera innocently]
THE O.J. SIMPSON SHOW coming next season! (Lock your doors!)
==================================
[Mini-Me and Mini-Maul meet each other under the kitchen tabel. The two
of them glare at each other and prepare to fight to the finish. Mini-
Maul pulls out a lightsaber and fires it up. Mini-Me's eyes bug out,
obviously not expecting this turn of events. Mini-Maul runs after
Mini-Me wildly swinging his lightsaber around. Meanwhile, Mulder is
lying on a bed, whoosy and surrounded by Fem-bots. Suddenly, he comes
out of it and realizes what's going on.]
Mulder: Ugh... no... NO! Must save the world! Must save... WORLD!
[He breaks free throwing the Fem-bots all over the place before running
to the door where two of the Fem-bots block his way.]
Fem-Bots: You cannot resist us, Agent Mulder. ...cannot reist us,
Agent Mulder. ...Mulder.
Mulder: On the contrary, baby. It is YOU who cannot resist ME!
[The song "When I Think About You, I Touch Myself" begins to play as
Mulder begins a strip-tease for the Fem-Bots. Mudler removes his shirt
and throws it to the bots who begin to spark and malfunction. Mulder
rips off his pants and soon, all of the Fem-bots are dead from his
mojo.]
Mulder: That didn't take long. [he looks down] Oh, darn... I forgot
to put on some underware this morning. I thought it was a little
drafty. [He picks up his pants which are ripped so badly, he
can't wear them.] SHIT!
[Mulder runs out of the room in one of those shots where his naughty
bits are covered by well-placed props. He opens the door and sees a
member of L.O.L.A. walk by - Sybok from the movie "Star Trek V".
Mulder knocks him out and drags him into the room. Mulder places Sybok
over a couch and removes his pants about the time that Batgirl and
Scully walk in.]
Scully: Mulder? Were we inturrupting something?
Mulder: This isn't what it looks like, Scully.
Batgirl: Looks like you're naked and removing the pants of another man
who is bent over a couch!
Mulder: Yeah, okay... THAT part IS what it looks like, but you've taken
the whole situation out of context!
Scully: [To Batgirl] You know, I've always suspected him.
Mulder: [putting on Sybok's pants] Scully, I'm telling you, this
isn't what you think. You see, I had to escape from the Evil
Slutty Third Season Maggie by having sex with her and then
tricking her by making her think she was MY prisioner and not vice
versa. And then, I came in here where all the Fem-Bots were and
all this smoke started coming out of their boobies and so, I
striped to make my mojo cross with their mojo and we got cross-
mojonated and then, I clobbered Sybok and dragged him in here and
got his pants off and I... Hey, where'd Sybok go?
Batgirl: [slurping in Sybok's legs like a strand of spagetti] I
have no idea. [BURP!]
Scully: Come on, we have to stop Dr. Evil from blowing up Aruba!
Mulder: So you know of his plan too?
Scully: It's an unwritten law that the villian has to explain his plans
in detail before trying to kill the good guys.
Mulder: I see.
Batgirl: [gnawing on remains of a Fem-Bot]
[Meanwhile, in Doctor Evil's lair, Doctor Evil, Fat Bastard, Scott,
Number Two, Frau Farbissina, The Nuclear Man, William Shatner: Director,
Deacon Frost, and Doctor Smith are having a meeting.]
Dr. Evil: Well, it seems that even ONE FRICKIN' Nuclear warhead is too
much for me to have. Our simpleton villian, the Nuclear Man,
decided to have a fling with our warhead and ruined it.
[They all look at the warhead which is now as holy a a pice of swiss
cheese.]
Dr. Evil: Well, I am out of ideas, people. Someone want to throw me a
frickin' bone?
Number Two: Doctor Evil, perhaps we should just take over the world in
a financial way through hostile takeovers and...
Dr. Evil: An evil hostile takeover?
Number Two: I suppose, but it would be well within the confines of
international law.
Dr. Evil: I AM ABOVE THE LAW! Gentlemen, we need something explosive
to destroy Aruba.
Scott: [snorts] Why don't you just build an anti-matter bomb?
Dr. Evil: I'm sorry, Scott. Could you repeat that tidbit of info?
Scott: I said, why don't you build an anti-matter bomb.
Dr. Evil: [confused] Anti... matter?
Scott: Yeah, it's like a bomb made out of two substances that are
complete opposites and when they're combined, they destroy each
other with tremendous force.
Dr. Evil: What an evil idea. Scott, my boy, there may be hope for you
yet.
Scott: Suck me.
Dr. Evil: Beg your pardon?
Scott: I said, lucky me.
Dr. Evil: Gentlemen, we have to find two elements that are so unlike
that they annialate each other on contact.
Frost: But where can we find two such opposites?
[Everyone looks at William Shatner: Director]
Dr. Evil: Number Two, get me Steven Speilburg.
[Mini-Me runs by in the background pursued by Mini-Maul as "The Duel of
the Fates" begins to play. Mini-Me does a backwards flip to avoid Mini-
Maul's lightsaber. He lands up on a table top and gives Mini-Maul the
finger before throwing all kinds of assorted fruit at his attacker.
Mini-Me throws a watermelon which gets stuck on Mini-Maul's head giving
Mini-Me the chance to escape. Mini-Maul finally gets the melon off his
head and grits his nappy teeth in frustration before stomping off to
resume pursuit of his quarry. Meanwhile, Mulder, Scully, and Morbidly
Obese-Girl...]
Batgirl: You did that on purpose!
[Did what on purpose?]
Batgirl: You said I was morbidly obese!
[Sorry, how about I use the term "human blimp"?]
Batgirl: No, you will refer to me as BATGIRL!
[What about "The RMS Batgirl"?]
Batgirl: Just call me BATGIRL!
[Sorry, Fatgirl.]
Batgirl: BATGIRL!!!
[I'm sorry, what did I say?]
Batgirl: Fatgirl.
[*snicker*]
Batgirl: YOU SON OF A...
Scully: Batgirl! Down, Simba!
Batgirl: But he called me...
Scully: Fatgirl, yes I know. But we have a more dire situation that
deserves our attention! We must stop Dr. Evil from destroying
Aruba!
Mulder: Scully, have you noticed how often we keep repeating the gist
of the plot?
[Meanwhile, Jason Donner and Jesse Glaspey are writing this story on a
computer.]
Jesse: Plot?
Jason: [shrugs]
[Back to Mulder, Scully, and Bat-whale. Suddenly, a door opens and
Deacon Frost from the "Blade" movie walks into the corridor.]
Frost: [to trio] Oh, hey... how ya doing?
Mulder: Scully, it's Steven Dorff!
Scully: Lame ass at five o'clock!
[Scully walks over and picks up Frost with her thumb and forefinger]
Frost: [sprouting fangs] Hey! Put me down! C'mon!
Scully: What do you know about L.O.L.A.?
Frost: The best lay I had in years!
Scully: The Legion of Lame-Asses! You're obviously a member and you're
going to tell us where the nuclear warhead is!
Frost: The nuclear warhead is history! Nuclear Man screwed it to
death like that kid screwed pastry in American Pie!
Batgirl: Then what's the plan, shrimp?
Frost: I ain't gonna tell you in a million years, ya' manatee!
Batgirl: Oh, I think you will, frost... because, you see... [she
retreives a container from her oversized utility belt] ...I happen
to know a little bit about life-sucking vampires. I was in a
movie directed by one. So, I'll make you a deal... YOU tell us
what Dr. Evil is up to now, or... [she holds up the container -
it's a shaker of garlic] ...SEASON'S greetings, asshole!
Frost: No, no... NOOOOO!
Batgirl: You scared of garlic?
Frost: No, just those stupid puns, you lard assed shitsack!
Scully: THAT'S IT! That's how we can get him to talk!
Mulder: How?
Scully: We make Fatgirl.. sorry, I meant Fatgirl... Damn, I did it
again. Fatgirl here will bombard Frost with every moronic pun she
can come up with.
Mulder: That's just stupid enough to work.
Scully: Batgirl, what would happen if you locked a bad guy in a
freezer?
Batgirl: I'd tell him to CHILL OUT!
Frost: Gah!
Scully: And if you kicked a man in the groin during Christmastime?
Batgirl: I'd say, "I always liked the NUTCRACKER suite."
Frost: Ack!
Scully: You punch out a guy with a dead pig?
Batgirl: I'm bringing home the BACON! Gawd, I'm such a HAM!
Frost: No! No more! I'll talk! Dr. Evil is making an antimatter bomb
by combining William Shatner: Director with Steven Speilburg. The
resulting explosion from director and anti-director will destroy
Aruba and there's nothing you can...
[GULP!]
Scully: BATGIRL!!!
Batgirl: Sorry, but he looked kind of like a chocolate bunny.
===================================
From series creator DAVID PECKINPAH, it's the hot brand new sci-fi
series, SLIPPERS. That's right... SLIPPERS: The tale of a young college
stud and three supermodels traveling from world to world, time to time,
or dimension to dimension depending on whatever the story is.
Episode #1: The Slippers go back in time and land on the Titanic!
Slipper: I feel like I could fly!
Episode #2: The Slippers travel to a far away alien world!
Slipper: You speak of the prophecy of the one who will bring balance to
the farce... you believe it is this supermodel?
Episode #3: The Slippers confront a cold-hearted killer!
Slipper: [on phone] What do you mean "Do I like scary movies?"
SLIPPERS - Getting sued by everyone next season.
Slippers: ON FOX!
===================================
[Meanwhile, in the men's room... Dr. Smith goes to a stall and sits
down. He pulls out a copy of Playgirl and starts, "reading the
articles"]
Dr. Smith: Oh, little William, my boy... You never know what you
missed.
[The toilet begins to shake and suddenly, there's an explosion. Dr.
Smith is thrown into the opposite wall as a man climbs out of the
crapper. Smith screams like a little girl.]
Dr. Smith: Ahhh! Who are you!?
Imhotep: I am Imhotep and I am going to conquer the world. [he smells
of himself] Ew... After a shower, of course.
Dr. Smith: Can I watch?
[Meanwhile, Fat Bastard has tied up and loaded William Shatner: Director
and Steven Spielburg into a missile which is aimed at Aruba. All of the
Evil gang, except Dr. Smith who is lustfully watching Impotent shower,
are present.]
Number Two: Dr. Evil, I am concerned that "The Lost World" may have
tainted the pureness of the Speilburg factor. It may not be pure
enough to explode when combined with Shatner.
Dr. Evil: Yes, my cyploptic colleague, but you forget the "Saving
Private Ryan" factor in the equation. A best director Oscar for a
movie immediately makes up for one bad movie.
Scott: Refresh my memory, pop. Was "54" ever nominated for anything?
Dr. Evil: All right, you... shut up!
Scott: All I'm saying is...
Dr. Evil: Shut up!
Scott: But if...
Dr. Evil: Tune in, drop out, and SHUT UP!
Scott: Why does...?
Dr. Evil: Shut uuuuuuuuuuup...
Number Two: Shut uuuuuuuuuuuup...
Frau Farbissina: Shut uuuuuuuuuuuuup...
All three: SHUT UP!
Scott: Fine. What about "So I Married an Ax Murderer?
Dr. Evil: Okay, I've had enough of you.
[Dr. Evil goes to press the "Throw Scott into the Fire Pit Button" but is
stopped by a slap on the wrist by Frau Farbissina's whip.]
Dr. Evil: [high voice] Moving on... [normal voice] Moving on...
Number two, seal the missile and start the countdown. Ladies and
gentlemen, Aruba is doomed... [does the pinkie thing].
Mulder's Voice: [coming from the hallway] You think he's in here?
Scully's Voice: [coming from hallway] How the hell should I know?
[Dr. Evil's henchmen begin to pick up their guns and aim them at the
door.]
Batgirl: [emits a loud fart]
Mulder's Voice: Aw, dammit Fatgirl!
Batgirl's Voice: It's BATgirl! You big stupid... oh dear... [farts]
Scully's Voice: Did something crawl up there and die?
Mulder's Voice: A deer maybe?
Scully's Voice: A HERD of deer maybe?
Batgirl's Voice: It was a cold winter, okay? They just wanted a place
to get out of the snow. How was I supposed to know they'd
suffocate?
Mulder's Voice: Oh, shut up! I think Dr. Evil and his henchmen are in
here.
[Dr. Evil and his henchmen finish picking up their guns and have all
aimed at the door. The door opens and Mulder, Scully, and Fatgirl walk
in. They raise their hands in surrender.]
Mulder: Doctor Evil, you diabolical bastard, how did you know we were
coming!?
Dr. Evil: Agent Mulder. Agent Scully. Batgirl. It's a pleasure to
finally make your acquaintance... [he looks around] ...again.
Scully: The pleasure is all yours, I'm sure.
Mulder: So, Doctor Evil, you are going to blow up Aruba with your
Shatner/Speilburg bomb that is, unless, the world pays you ONE
MILLION DOLLARS?
Scully: You don't expect them to pay, do you?
Dr. Evil: No, Mr. Mulder... I expect them to die. [to Number two]
Activate the viewscreen! I will make my ultimatum to President
Clinton!
Number Two: Uhm... Doctor Evil, about the president...
Dr. Evil: What about the president?
Number Two: He's off giving a deposition for some blow-job or
something. We won't be able to speak to him today.
Dr. Evil: All I ask is that we speak to one FRICKIN' world leader and
apparently that is too much to ask!
Number Two: But Dr. Evil, we do have vice-president Al Gore standing
by.
Dr. Evil: Oh, very well... put him on screen!
[Vice President Al Gore appears on the screen. At first, he appears to
be a cardboard cut-out, but after a few seconds a little bit of movement
is seen as he breathes.]
Dr. Evil: Vice President Al Gore. I am Doctor Evil.
Al Gore: It's. Good. To. See. You.
Dr. Evil: Mr. Vice President, let me be frank. I am going to blow up
Aruba unless the government of the United States pays up ONE
MILLION DOLLARS!
Al Gore: Doc. Tor. E. Vil. I. Can. Not. Ah. Llow. You. To.
Do. This. It. Vy. Oh. Lates. The. U. S. Poh. Low. See.
Of. Not. Nee. Go. She. A. Ting. With. Terr. Or. ists.
[Half the people in Evil HQ are asleep.]
Scully: Mulder, do you see what's happening? They're... [slaps him]
Mulder! Wake up!
Mulder: I'm awake! I'm awake!
Scully: Look at what's happening! Vice President Al Gore is putting
everyone asleep with his monotone voice and never-ending facial
expression!
Mulder: What are you immune?
Scully: [looks at Mulder] I must be used to it by now.
Mulder: What do you mean by that?
Scully: Drop it. We've got to keep the Vice President talking!
Al Gore: ...and. Then. I. Will. Ree. Lay. The. Prop. Oh. Sul.
To. The. House. For. A. Vote.
Dr. Evil: [barely awake] Fine, fine... Mr. Vice President. I see this
is getting us no where, good day... [prepares to turn off screen]
Scully: WAIT! Mr. Vice President, what are your plans for the 2000
election?
Al Gore: I. Am. Run. Ing. For. Pres. I. Dent.
[More people in the room fall asleep. Mulder and Scully kick Batgirl
in her enormous ass to keep her awake.]
Al Gore. I. Am. Run. Ing. A. Gainst. George. Bush. Jun. Your.
[Everyone but Dr. Evil, Mulder, and Scully are asleep.]
Scully: It's over, Doctor Evil!
Dr. Evil: NOT QUITE YET!
[Dr. Evil runs over and hits the launch button. The rocket begins to
take off but Mulder runs over and jumps on it as it jets off into the
sky.]
Mulder: I should have though this throoooooooooooooogh!
[Scully, Batgirl, and Dr. Evil watch Mulder fly away. Dr. Evil does the
pinkie thing.]
Dr. Evil: Face it, ladies... I've won!
[Meanwhile, "The Duel of the Fates" plays as Mini-Me runs into a Wal-
Mart. He runs to the toy aisle and grabs a lightsaber. He runs to the
checkout and pays for it and runs back to the Evil HQ where he finds
Mini-Maul. Mini-Me fires up his lightsaber and the two begin dueling.
Back in Dr. Evil's lair...]
Batgirl: Wait a minute, if you're going to destroy Aruba... won't you
blow up Julio's Seafood Emporium?
Dr. Evil: Yes indeed...
Batgirl: YOU BASTARD!!!
[Batgirl charges at Dr. Evil bouncing her way towards him. Before her
mouth reaches him, the Nuclear Man's fist hits her gut and is absorbed
up to the shoulder. The force causes Batgirl's head to fly into the
wall an get stuck lying on her back. She looks up the shaft she's
stuck in and see's Mini-Me and Mini-Maul dueling above her. She licks
her lips.]
Batgirl: I want my baby-back, baby-back, baby-back, baby-back, baby-
back, baby-back, baby-back, baby-back, baby-back...
[Meanwhile, Scully is facing the Nuclear Man who is still wiping the
ooze of Batgirl's bodily secretions off his arm.]
Dr. Evil: Nuclear Man, destroy her!
[The Nuclear Man takes two steps towards Scully, but his feet melt the
floor and he falls to his death.]
Scully: Looks like it's just me against you, Dr. Evil.
Dr. Evil: Yes... it appears so... [a pause] BYE!
[Dr. Evil runs away. Scully pursues him. Meanwhile, Mini-Me is tripped
by Mini-Maul and grabs the edge of the platform. He looks down and
see's Batgirl's gaping maw awaiting him at the bottom of the shaft.
Mini-Maul goes in for the kill, but Batgirl sneezes, rocketing Mini-Me
into the air and causing him to land behind Mini-Maul. Mini-Me kicks
Mini-Maul in the balls and halves him with his saber. The two halves
fall into the shaft and down into Batgirl's gullet.]
Batgirl: Nummy!
[Someone pulls Batgirl free. Batgirl looks and sees...]
Fat Bastard: Hiya, Bat-lass!
Batgirl: Fat Bastard! You came back for me!
Fat Bastard: Aye, I had tah! I love you!
Batgirl: No time for that! I have to activate my Society of Stupid
Superheroes Unlimited Emergency Signal™ and get help from the
other lame heroes of the world to stop Doctor Evil's bomb!
[Batgirl hits a button on her utility belt causing a donut to come
out] Sorry, wrong button. [Batgirl eats the doughnut and then
hits the emergency signal]
[Meanwhile, at S.O.S.S.U. Headquarters...]
Announcer: Batgirl's signal reaches the other lame-ass superheroes of
the world and immediately, they are called to action. From the
lame 70's cartoon, "Superfriends", it's APACHE CHIEF... SAMARI...
THE WONDERTWINS... and WENDY, MARVIN, and
WONDERDOG! From the lame syndicated TV series, it's
NIGHTMAN. The early Jerry O'Connell superhero, ULTRAMAN.
The lame superman rip-off, STEEL. The failed Superman
spin-off, SUPERGIRL! And finally, the lamest
of the lame... THE MIGHTY MORPHIN' POWER RANGERS!!!
Steel: Supergirl, you save Mulder. The rest of you are with me... we
must stop Doctor Evil once and for all!
[The superheroes all leave. Meanwhile, over the Atlantic ocean, Mulder
is holding on for his life as the director/anti-director missile screams
through the atmosphere. Meanwhile, on the beaches of Aruba...]
Austin Powers: I don't know what it is about you, baby, but there's
something... I don't know... more to you.
RuPaul: Oh, Mr. Powers...
Austin: You are the most fabulous bird I've ever met. What's say we go
shag?
RuPaul: What a great idea! [looks up] What's that?
[Austin and RuPaul watch as the missile approaches. Meanwhile,
Supergirl flies over and pulls Mulder off of the missile. With a swift
kick, she sends the missile barreling into Switzerland. No one
notices.]
Mulder: My god, you saved my life!
Supergirl: ...and now we must go stop Dr. Evil once and for all!
[Supergirl and Mulder fly off. Austin and RuPaul watches them go.]
Austin: Well, that was exciting. Shall we shag now?
RuPaul: Oh, LET'S!
[RuPaul undresses and Austin raises an eyebrow.]
Austin: Gee... What's wrong with this picture?
RuPaul: Take me you little English stud brick!
[RuPaul pounces on Austin and brutally rapes him. Meanwhile, in Doctor
Evil's lair...]
Dr. Evil: Scott, Frau Farbissina, Number Two, Mini-Me! Get everything
packed! The plan's gone to shit, we've got to get out of here!
Scott: The plans gone to shit, huh? Gee... I never saw THAT coming.
Dr. Evil: Shhh! Frau Farbissina, take my luggage to the car. Number
Two, find Mr. Bigglesworth! Mini-Me, have you seen Mini-Maul?
Mini-Me: Shakes head innocently.
Dr. Evil: Very well. Everyone, load up in the Impala.
Scully: [Busts down door, draws gun] Not so fast, Dr. Evil!
Dr. Evil: Very well, I shall do it slowly.
Scully: You're pathetic, do you know that? All these evil schemes to
take over the world and hold us for ransom... you make me SICK!
Sick I say! SICK!
Dr. Evil: Oh, don't give me any lip, young lady. Without evil, there
would be no need for law enforcement officials such as yourself.
You see, Agent Scully... you NEED evil! It's a vicious circle.
Scully: I never thought of it that way.
[Scott, Frau Farbissina, and Number Two sneak out.]
Scully: Wait a minute... STOP CONFUSING ME!
[Suddenly, the earth shakes. Mulder and Supergirl show up. The
Society of Stupid Superheroes Unlimited show up, and Batgirl and Fat
Bastard show up with a baby.]
Mulder: What's going on!?
Scully: Doctor Evil must have triggered a booby trap!
Mulder: You said booby!
Dr. Evil: On the contrary, Agents, I did not trigger anything.
Scully: Then what...? [she looks at Batgirl and Fat Bastard] What
the hell are you holding?
Batgirl: I had my baby. Isn't it cute? [she holds it up]
Cartman: Hey, you son of a bitch! Respect mah authori-tah!
Scully: [back to Dr. Evil] Then what's causing the ground to shake.
Voice: [Booming] I HAVE COME TO CONQUER THE EARTH ONCE MORE!!!
Dr. Evil: That voice... it's...!
Imhotep: IMHOTEP! THE ALL POWERFUL!
Dr. Smith: And me, Doctor Smith... quasi-villain on Lost in Space!
Imhotep: HI, HONEY!
Dr. Smith: Go get 'em, tiger!
[Imhotep and Dr. Smith kiss]
Steel: ENOUGH! Power rangers, attack Impotent!
Yellow Ranger: Come on, gang! Let's form the Ultra-Megazord!
Black Ranger: Wait a minute, I thought we had the Ninja-Zord now!
Red Ranger: No, I'm sure we have the Dino-zord now.
Pink Ranger: No, I agree with the Yellow Ranger. We DO still have the
Ultra-Megazord!
White Ranger: No, IDIOT... That was destroyed by the big nasty fly
brothers!
Purple Ranger: Then what about the Ninja-Zord?
Red Ranger: It was repossessed by the bank.
Black Ranger: Then WHAT the hell DO we have!?
[Impotent vaporizes all the Power Rangers. The Wondertwins step
foreword.]
Zan: We'll handle this!
Wondertwins: WONDERTWIN POWERS ACTIVATE!
Zana: Form of... a gorilla!
Zan: Form of... a block of ice!
[They transform. Impotent crushes the gorilla with the block of ice
which he then crushes and makes himself a glass of iced tea with.
Ultraman and Nightman fly towards Impotent, but Nightman's ability to
see the evil in people accidentally sneaks a peek into Mulder's most
private and personal and perverted thoughts. Nightman becomes
disoriented and knocks Ultraman into Batgirl who devours him without a
thought. Nightman flies into Dr. Smith and spatters both of them
against the wall.]
Dr. Smith: [dying] Oh the pain of it all.
Imhotep: YOU KILLED MY BITCH! YOU WILL ALL SUFFER FOR THAT!!!
Scully: [To Apache Chief and Samurai] Quick! What are your powers!?
Apache Chief: Me makeum me grow big. Me also have power of Indian
stereotype.
Samarai: I command the wind.
Mulder: So that means that you... blow?
Samurai: Oh yes, I blow all right.
Mulder: You certainly do.
[Samari and Apache Chief charge Impotent. Apache Chief makes himself
grow and bonks his head on the ceiling killing himself instantly.
Samurai is crushed under his body.]
Supergirl: [to steel] It looks like it's up to us!
Steel: Let's take this mother out!
[Supergirl and Steel run towards Impotent. Impotent causes Steel's
armor to rust and fall apart. Supergirl catches a glimpse of a naked
Steel and dies of laughter because of his lack of manhood. Imhotep
gives Steel a basketball and tells him that he either has to make a free
throw or he will be eaten by the hamsters of the apocalypse. Of course,
the hamsters eat well.]
Mulder: [to Wendy, Marvin, and Wonderdog] It looks like you guys are
the world's last hope.
Scully: What powers do you have?
Wendy: Er... none actually.
Scully: But you're in the JLA!
Wendy: Sort of... you see, we're junior members.
Mulder: And what the HELL does THAT mean!?
Wendy: Well, we get the real superheroes coffee, remove the barnacles
from Aquaman's ass, polish Wonder Woman's golden bra, detail the
batmobile, answer fan mail, and occasionally I'm Superman's
"regular Saturday night thing".
Scully: Then why the hell is Marvin and Wonderdog wearing capes!?
Wendy: Because they are stupid. Duh!
Imhotep: ENOUGH, YOU DEAD-WEIGHT TEENS!
[Imhotep infects Wonderdog with rabies. The dog goes insane and tears
Wendy and Marvin to bits before jumping out the fifteenth story window
and becoming a little red stain on the pavement... with a cape, of course.]
Mulder: [to Scully] We are soooooo doomed. Hey, where's Doctor Evil?
[Outside, a rocket launches.]
Scully: Mulder! Look at that rocket! Doctor Evil must be using it to
get away!
Mulder: Scully, is it just me or does that rocket look like a big...
Comic Book Salesman: [holds up comic] DICK! Dick Tracy... Mint
condition, circa 1935. What do you say?
Customer: I don't know... seems expensive. [looks up] Holy Hannah!
Look at that rocket!
Salesman: Wow, it looks like a long...
Fan: PETER! Peter Graves! I loved you in Mission: Impossible! Can I
have your autograph?
Peter Graves: Of course, do you have a pen?
Fan: Yes, I... Oh my god! Look at that!
Peter Graves: Wow, have you ever seen such a large...
Doorbell Salesman: DING-A-LING. That's right... this doorbell makes a
lovely ding-a-ling sound.
Homeowner: My god! Look at that!
Salesman: Unless my eyes are deceiving me, it looks like a...
Man: LONG WANG! It's good to see you again. How was China?
Long Wang: Beautiful as usual, I... HOLY! Look at that!
Man: My god, it's a giant...
Fat Bastard: WIENER!
Batgirl: Yeah, I'm hungry too!
Scully: This is terrible! Dr. Evil got away and now, an all powerful
sorcerer is about to take over the world! What do we do now!?
Batgirl: There is... one thing we can try. The Black hole technique!
Fat Bastard: No, Bat-lass! Ya canna!
Batgirl: I have to, FB. Take our son and leave.
Fat Bastard: I will never forget you, Fatgirl.
Batgirl: Nor I, you... Fat Bastard.
[Fat Bastard takes the baby and leaves. After a few seconds, he's
forgotten about the baby's mother and has had the baby for a snack.
Back in Dr. Evil's liar, Batgirl gets a cell phone off of her oversized
utility belt and calls...]
Batgirl: Hello, is this Pizza Hut? Bring me a pizza the size of Texas.
[hangs up, calls again] Hello, is this Seaworld? This is an
emergency... I need all the fish you have. Broiled if possible.
[hangs up, calls again] Hello, is this NASA? Bring me the planet
Mars, it looks delicious!
[The food gets airlifted to the lair and drops into the room]
Batgirl: [eating] You two had better run!
Mulder: Why? What the hell are you doing!?
Scully: Isn't it obvious, Mudler!? Batgirl is going to eat as she has
never eaten before to the point where she will collapse into a
black hole and destroy Impotent with her. It's a very brave thing
to do!
Batgirl: [blowing up like a balloon] RUUUUUUNNN!
Mulder: She's Gonna blow!
[Mulder and Scully run outside. Scully gets into a conveniently placed
convertible. Mulder does a flip over the back end and lands on the
stick shift. At first, it looks like he likes it. Scully shifts Mulder
and they take off. Meanwhile, in the lair, Batgirl has expanded to ten
times her normal size and looks like a blob of sweaty flesh. Imhotep
finally sees what she is doing.]
Imhotep: Batgirl... don't do it!
Batgirl: [with one bite left] I'll see you in HELL Impotent!
[Batgirl swallows the bite and collapses into a black hole sucking
Impotent into her. Thanks to a nearby cosmic string and bad writing,
the black hole does no further damage to earth, but flys out into the
cosmos. A few weeks later, Mulder and Scully are in the hospital
visiting Skinner.]
Skinner: Good news, agents. Your funding has been restored. You can
work the X-Files again.
Mulder: Thank god for that. These normal cases can get so BORING!
Scully: We'll let you sleep sir.
[Mulder and Scully leave. Skinner looks over at his hospital roommate,
Toonces the Cat.]
Skinner: This is all you fault, you know!
[Toonces goes insane and pounces on Skinner's face scratching and biting
him. Meanwhile, Mulder and Scully walk out into the night air.]
Mulder: Isn't it ironic, Scully? Batgirl did nothing but eat and eat
and eat and now that she's dead and a black hole, she's still
eating and devouring the essence of the universe, sucking it all
into herself.
Scully: I guess irony can be a little ironic sometimes, Mulder. But at
least we defeated Dr. Evil and L.O.L.A.
Mulder: L.O.L.A. yes... but Doctor Evil? No... he's out there...
somewhere...
[Out in space, Dr Evil, Scott, Frau Farbissina, Number Two, and Mini-Me
are in the rocket shaped like a giant...]
Scott: DICK! God, pop, you are such a DICK!
Dr. Evil: Shhh! This is only a temporary setback, son... for soon Dr.
Evil will return to the Earth with a force more deadly than
anything Mulder or Scully can imagine. I'm going to get you,
Agent Mulder and Scully... I'll get you!!!
Scott: How?
Dr. Evil: Simple, Scott... Using the public broadcasting system -
something the laymen calls "PBS" - I will transmit a television
show with hypnotic suggestion imbedded in the transmission that
appears to be nothing more than a harmless children's television
show about four multi-colored characters.
Number Two: That just might work.
[A few months later...]
TV: Time for Telletubbies... Time for Telletubbies....
People of the Earth: [in a daze] Time for Telletubbies... Time for
Telletubbies...
[The camera zooms out until the entire earth is in view. The "Time for
Telletubbies" chant continues as Doctor Evil's maniacal laughter rings
out.]
THE END?
[Lights come up and we see Joe Bob Briggs]
Joe Bob: Well, and there you have it... "The Legion of Lame
Asses" here on TNT's Monstervision. Now it's time for Joe
Bob's drive in-movie totals...
[The following appears on the screen:]
Jokes involving genitals: 13
Fart Jokes: 6
Sexual Innuendoes: 12
Booby Jokes: 4
Flip-Offs: 5
Acts of Cannibalism: 12 + a garrison of Kromagg/Kazon troops
Death Count: 40 + a garrison of Kromagg/Kazon troops, Mighty
Joe Young, wonderdog, and the entire population of
Switzerland
Insults to other countries: 3
Sex scenes: 4
Fat Jokes: 123
Joe Bob: Well, I don't know about you, but I need a beer.
Where's my beer girl?
[Batgirl shows up wearing a thong bikini and jiggling like a
lava lamp. The leg of Joe Bob's beer girl is hanging out of
her mouth.]
Joe Bob: Who are you!? You're not my beer girl! Ahhhhhhh!!!
[Batgirl devours Joe Bob, the cameraman, and most of the set.
With a DING! sound effect, the drive in movie totals are
updated as follows...]
Jokes involving genitals: 13
Fart Jokes: 6
Sexual Innuendoes: 12
Booby Jokes: 4
Flip-Offs: 5
Acts of Cannibalism: 15 + a garrison of Kromagg/Kazon troops
Death Count: 43 + a garrison of Kromagg/Kazon troops, Mighty
Joe Young, wonderdog, and the entire population of
Switzerland
Insults to other countries: 3
Sex scenes: 4
Fat Jokes: 126
Batgirl: We'll be back after these messages with our next
movie, Canadian Bacon. Mmmmmm.... bacon...
[DING!] Fat Jokes: 127
Batgirl: Starring John... [her eyes light up] CANDY!?
[DING!] Fat Jokes: 128
[She farts]
[DING!] Fart Jokes: 7
[The movie "Canadian Bacon" begins to play, at which, the
entire viewing audience looses interest and changes the channel
causing the TNT ratings to drop lower than the combined run of
"Crusade"]
THE END (And, dammit! I mean it this time!]