THE FOLLOWING PREVIEWS HAVE BEEN APPROVED FOR ALL AUDIENCES ============================================================= NARRATOR: The Epic Trilogy, The Lord of the Rings, has enthralled moviegoers the world over but has not been immune to criticism for its all white cast. Therefore, Peter Jackson has retouched, reedited, and recut the Lord of the Rings trilogy to include a minority character… A BIG BLACK GUY NAMED BEN! [Logolas approaches Frodo and the ring. A Big Black Guy Named Ben steps in front of him.] BEN: Get away from the ring, motherfucker! FRODO: Yeah, I like Ben. He keeps everyone away from the One Ring and he's an excellent bodyguard. [Gimli pats Frodo on the shoulder. Ben steps in front of him.] BEN: Get away from the ring, motherfucker! GANDAULF: Oh, he's a wonderful protector for little Frodo, but not the best conversationalist. In fact, all he says is, "get away from the ring, motherfucker." [Ben is in front of Golum] GOLUM: My precioussssssssss! BEN: Get away from the ring, motherfucker! NARRATOR: The Lord of the Get-Away-From-The-Mutherfuckin'-Rings Starring a Big Black Guy Named Ben: Coming this Christmas. [Ben is standing in front of the flaming eye of Sauron.] BEN: Get away from the ring, motherfucker! ============================================================= You've seen the great remakes that Hollywood has been putting in theaters this year. First, there was Chris Klien in Rollerball, then Guy Pierce in The Time Machine, and Adam Sandler in Mr. Deeds. Now, many of your new favorites are bringing an old favorite back to life! It's THE WIZARD OF OZ 2002! With COURTNEY LOVE as DOROTHY! [Courtney is surrounded by Munchkins] COURTNEY LOVE: [with a cigarette and a beer] Don't none… Don't none of you fucking twerps… don't fucking touch me… (Inaudible mumbling) Fuckers. SNOOP DOGGIE DOG as the Scarecrow. COURTNEY LOVE: HEY! Where can I get to the Emerald City! SNOOP DOGGIE DOG: Hey, man… All you gotta do is.. go to the (inaudible mumbling) and… (mumbling) You dig? DAVID ARQUETTE as The Tin Man. [Courtney and Snoop Dogg approach the rusted up Tin Man.] DAVID ARQUETTE: Hey! Someone give me some oil or I can't move! [Courtney and Snoop Dogg look at each other and keep walking leaving David Arquette behind.] DAVID ARQUETTE: Guys? CARROT TOP as THE COWARDLY LION! CARROT TOP: Check this out! You take a rock and put it on your head and you've got a BOULDER HAT! Dial down the center! ROSEANNE as THE WICKED WITCH! [Roseanne menaces the Snoop Dogg with a torch] ROSEANNE: How about a little fire, scarecrow!? SNOOP DOGG: Ain't no thing. [Snoop Dogg lights up a doobie and takes a drag] [Courtney Love is standing in front of The Wizard] WIZARD: You don't need my help, Dorothy. You've had the power to go home all along! COURTNEY LOVE: [pulls a knife] WHAT!? Man, I'm gonna fuckin' CUT YOU! THE WIZARD OF OZ 2002! Somehow I Get the Feeling We're Not in Kansas or Entertained Anymore! ============================================================= From the makers of Anaconda and Eight Legged Freaks, it's the most horrifying man-eating monster movie yet… [A man is running across a desert when, all of the sudden, hundreds of small cute barking and growling CHIHUAHUAS overtake him. The man screams as the pack of Chihuahuas attack him. After a little bit, the screaming stops and the Chihuahuas scatter leaving a quivering skeleton.] CHIHUAHUA! YO QUEIRO TÚ MUERTE! Coming soon to a theater near you. ============================================================= AND NOW, OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION…
From the makers of The Legion of Lame Asses III Episode One: Never Say Member Again, it's...
THE LEGION OF LAME ASSES III
EPISODE ONE
NEVER SAY MEMBER AGAIN
(Japanese translation: Mulder's Super Ultra Banana Happy Alarm Clock
Fun Time Hour)
Written by Jason Donner and Jesse Glaspey
This story is rated "R" for sex, violence, cannibalism, cruelty to animals, offensive racial stereotypes, decapitation, homosexuality, and jokes involving golden penises, eating children, and country music. FBI HEADQUARTERS WASHINGTON D.C. MID EIGHTH SEASON LOOSE WIEGHT NOW, ASK ME HOW! [Inside Skinner's office, Scully, Doggett, and Reyes are sitting. Skinner scowls at them.] SKINNER: I'm afraid I have some bad news. SCULLY: Oh God, is it about Mulder? SKINNER: Yes. As you know, Mulder is missing like a little bitch and that is why I've assigned Doggett and Reyes to be teamed on the X-Files with you instead of sending them off to go write parking tickets somewhere. REYES: Hey! I resent that as sexily as I can! SKINNER: Sorry, Monica, but I had to give the exposition in a quick and entertaining way so that it wouldn't bog down the proceeding story. How do you think it went? DOGGETT: Fine until that last part. SKINNER: We've received third hand information that LOLA is back in action and have, in fact, kidnapped Mulder. Since we are the FBI, we're just going to jump to the conclusion that it's true. REYES: Lola!? Good god, I never thought that a brief lesbian encounter back in college would ever come back to haunt me! What does she want? Money? A car? Another go at me? [Everyone looks at Reyes] SKINNER: No, you stupid bitch! LOLA is the Legion of Lame Asses, an evil band of the lamest villains on TV and the movies led by Doctor Evil and his gang. They try to take over the world once a year or so. SCULLY: Strangely, it's been every year after the Summer Movie Season. SKINNER: We will be coordinating our investigation with several other entities. SCULLY: And maybe somewhere on our way, we might find Mulder! SKINNER: We can only hope. Just remember, if you or any of your team are caught or killed, the secretary will disavow any knowledge of you and your actions. Good luck team, this message will self- destruct in five seconds. [Doggett, Scully, and Reyes look at each other in confusion. Suddenly, smoke and sparks erupt from Skinner's neck and his head explodes. Scully, Doggett, and Reyes stare on in shock.] REYES: Holy… SHIT! Did you see that!? [MEANWHILE IN DOCTOR EVIL'S SECRET VOLCANO BASE!!!] [DOCTOR EVIL is sitting in his chair.] DOCTOR EVIL: Ladies and Gentlemen! Let's get right down to it… YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE! [The camera pulls back to reveal that Doctor Evil's gang has thrown a huge surprise birthday party. FAT BASTARD, FRAU FARBISSINA, NUMBER TWO, GOLDMEMBER, MINI-ME, ALOTTA FAGINA, and SCOTT EVIL are there.] GOLDMEMBER: Bait, Bait, Bait… I am confused. I was in de last movie and I thought that Scott Evil lost all his hair! SCOTT EVIL: Rogaine. GOLDMEMBER: [points to Fat Bastard] And you…? FAT BASTARD: Ho-Hos GOLDMEMBER: Mini-Me? DOCTOR EVIL: Changed his mind. GOLDMEMBER: [points to Doctor Evil] And you …? DOCTOR EVIL: Ditto. GOLDMEMBER: Oh. We're back The Way We Were… Barbara Striesand. DOCTOR EVIL: You know, I don't care how diabolical of an evil genius you are, it's so nice not to take a break from trying to blackmail the world every now and then. It's just nice to spend a nice quiet evening at home without having to worry about Austin Powers or, better yet, that irritating duo, Mulder and… [Scully, Doggett, and Reyes burst in from the ceiling.] DOCTOR EVIL: SCULLY!!! DOGGETT: And Doggett. REYES: And me, Reyes! SCULLY: We know you have Mulder, Doctor Evil! Where is he? DOCTOR EVIL: What? I have no frickin' idea what you're talking about but since you are trespassing in a private affair, GET THEM!!! FRAU FARBISSINA: Heir Doctor, perhaps it is time to give you your birthday present. DOCTOR EVIL: Uh… Frau? We're kinda in the middle of something right now. Hello? Trio of enemies in the liar pointing guns? FRAU FARBISSINA: Yah, Heir Doctor… You will like this present. DOCTOR EVIL: Very well. Reveal the present. FRAU FARBISSINA: REVEAL THE PRESENT!!! [Everyone recoils from her shrill voice. A wall opens revealing several lame villains from television and the movies.] FRAU FARBISSINA: Doctor Evil, may I present to you LOLA 3.0. From the multimillion dollar blockbuster, Titanic, it's CAL HOCKLEY! CAL: Greetings. I am extremely rich and extremely snobby. I want to possess women and, if we were ever on a boat that was sinking, I would probably throw children and old women out of the life rafts to save my own hide. FRAU FARBISSINA: From the movie, Spider-Man, it's the GREEN GOBLIN!!! GREEN GOLBLIN: I'm strong, fast, and loonier than a Cheers alumni. FRAU FARBISSINA: From the television series Enterprise, it's SILIK! SILIK: I'm evil and I will make you most uncomfortable by calling you by your first name like we are best friends… [he looks at Doggett] …John. [Doggett shivers.] FRAU FARBISSINA: From zee movie, Undercover Brother, it's MISTER FEATHER!!! [Mr. Feather comes out gently stroking the side of his face with, appropriately enough, a feather.] MR. FEATHER: I hate all black people even though I secretly love their culture and music. [a beat] Why did I just say that out loud? NUMBER TWO: Finally, Doctor Evil, as you know we attempted to clone Darth Maul and ended up with a clone one-eighth his size called Mini-Maul. When we attempted to clone him again, we ended up with a full-sized clone of Darth Maul with a penchant for country music called Darth Brooks. DOCTOR EVIL: I never realized what a complicated story that was. NUMBER TWO: Indeed… If it were a story, it would take two or three sequels to cover it. DOCTOR EVIL: You point? NUMBER TWO: In attempting to clone you again, we have created a perfect replica… over eight times your size. [A GIANT DOCTOR EVIL appears in the doorway and bursts his way through.] DOCTOR EVIL: Breathtaking! I shall call him… MAXI-ME! [Thunderclap. Mini-Me growls and gives Maxi-Me the finger.] DOCTOR EVIL: Hello, Maxi-Me. I'm your daddy. MAXI-ME: No one's supposed to touch me in my swimsuit area. [A beat] DOCTOR EVIL: What? MAXI-ME: My crayons smell like red. NUMBER TWO: Unfortunately, he is completely retarded with only twice the brainpower of Kathy Ireland. SCOTT EVIL: How does he remember to breath, then? DOCTOR EVIL: Enough! I thank you all for these birthday gifts and, be assured, I will use them all the time. Speaking of which, GET THEM!!! [Scully, Doggett, and Reyes are sitting in chairs half asleep. Doggett is drooling. Scully wakes up.] SCULLY: SHIT! They're done introducing the LOLAS! Let's GET 'EM!!! [The GREEN GOBLIN faces off against Scully.] GREEN GOBLIN: Can the Scully-man come out to play? [Green Goblin starts throwing exploding pumpkins at Scully who runs to get out of the way. Meanwhile, Doggett has been cornered by Cal.] CAL: You'll never get away, Doggett, and if you do… You'll always be a third rate replacement whore for Scully. DOGGETT: I'd rather be her WHORE than you wife! CAL: What? DOGGETT: I don't know. [There is a long uncomfortable silence. Doggett pulls out a couple of guns and puts so many bullets into Cal that he could use his dick as a pencil. Cal falls down dead.] DOGGETT: REYES!!! [Doggett tosses a gun to Reyes who has been cornered by Silik. Reyes tries to catch the gun, but fumbles with it and drops it on the ground where it goes off and shoots Doggett in the arm.] DOGGETT: OUCH! Thanks, Reyes! DOCTOR GIGGLES: Perhaps I can assist you with your wound? DOGGETT: No thank you, I just… Oh, SHIT! It's another LOLA!!! [Doggett ducks just as Doctor Giggles swings at him with a scalpel. He rolls under a table where Scully is hiding.] SCULLY: It's no use! They're too much for the two of you! I'll just have to retreat with you guys so you don't look like such pussies. Hey, where's Reyes? [Reyes and Silik are missing, but the sound of their frantic humping can be heard from a nearby broom closet.] REYES: WHAT'S MY NAME!? WHAT'S MY NAME, BITCH!? SILIK: MONICA! MONICA! MONICA! [Scully and Doggett shutter.] DOGGETT: All right, how do we get out of here? Who will save us? [As if on cue, a small shadow appears in the doorway. The camera tilts up and we see that it is YODA.] DOCTOR EVIL: Well, I was wondering when you would get here. YODA: Strong are you with the dark side. You ass I will now kick. DOCTOR EVIL: I think not. Fat Bastard, would you do the honors? FAT BASTARD: Look at 'em! He's so tiny! GET IN MY BELLY!!! [Fat Bastard runs as Yoda who leaps over him in a quintuple somersault. Fat Bastard starts throwing rock-hard muffins at Yoda who hits them with his lightsaber and continues to dodge and flip like a mad muppet from hell.] FAT BASTARD: Ooooooo, YOU'RE A LUCKY WEE MAN!!! SCULLY: This is our chance! Let's get out of here! [They get up to leave. Doggett grabs Reyes who just emerged from the closet wiping both sides of her mouth. Silik looks as they go.] SILIK: Call me! [Yoda and Fat Bastard continue to fight. They stop for a moment and face each other.] YODA: Strong with the force, you are, but the powers of light will always be better they will. Not ready for the… [a spark erupts from his neck] ERROR! ERROR! ERROR! [Yoda's head explodes revealing that he is, in fact, a little android.] SCOTT EVIL: What the shit was that? DOCTOR EVIL: A clever ploy, no doubt… A lot like the moon landing. It allowed Scully, Doggett, and Ramirez. NUMBER TWO: Reyes. DOCTOR EVIL: Whatever. It allowed them all to escape. Never the less! This was an attack against me and I will not take it lightly! WITH LOLA 3.0, I WILL TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!! [Not too far away, we see an open and empty box that says "REMOTE CONTROLED YODA – BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED". The camera tilts up to reveal MULDER with a remote control.] MULDER: [throws down remote] FUCKING RADIO SHACK! [Mulder stomps off.] ======================================================================= COMMERCIAL BREAK ANNOUNCER: From the makers of FearDotCom… comes a new movie that will redefine the face of horror as you know it… MELANCHOLYDOTCOM!!! [A person sits in front of a computer. His head is resting on his hands as he stares at the screen. A blinking light saying "Loading" is on the screen.] PERSON: [Sighs] ANNOUNCER: MelancholyDotCom! The last site you'll ever visit… Maybe. Doesn't really matter. ======================================================================= [Meanwhile, Doggett, Scully, and Reyes are driving down the road at night.] SCULLY: Let's recap. First of all, Doctor Evil did not have Mulder. REYES: Check. SCULLY: Secondly, we invaded Doctor Evil's lair and now we've pissed him off and he's going to try to take over the world with his new batch of LOLAs. REYES: Check. SCULLY: Are you getting this, Doggett? [a beat] Doggett? [Doggett is playing with a CB radio] DOGGETT: Breaker, breaker, one niner. Ten four on the floor. Lookin' for smokies, over? SCULLY: Doggett, put that down and stop playing with it! DOGGETT: Check this out. [to CB in a girlie voice] How y'all doin' out there? This is Anita Mann and I need a man! Anyone want to try to please me? RUSTY NAIL: [over CB] Hey, Anita Mann! This is Rusty Nail and I'd love to meet you. DOGGETT: HA! HA! You big stupidhead! I'm not really a hot woman, I'm a middle-aged man who just mindfucked your emotionally unstable ass and now you can't do anything about it because you don't know where I am so how do you like THAT! HA! HA! HA! RUSTY NAIL: I'LL KILL YOU!!! SCULLY: Way to go, Doggett! As if we don't have enough lame psychopaths after us already! DOGGET: Oh, come on Scully! He has no idea who we are or where we are. SCULLY: Yeah, I guess he doesn't know what our car looks like or what our license plate is. [Scully talks into the CB] You stupid limp-dicked motherfucking uncle-fucking pig-fuck fucker! REYES: [to CB] Yeah, if we find you we're going to make you eat our shit and then, when you shit, we're going to make you eat your shit that is, in fact, made of our shit! DOGGETT: [a beat] Hey, speaking of license plates, did you realize that our license plate on our gray 2002 Ford Escort says GO4-DXX? Go for dicks? Isn't that funny? [WHAM! A Mack Truck hits them from behind. Scully and Reyes look at Doggett.] DOGGETT: Oh sure, the women blame the only MAN in the car! RUSTY NAIL: Aaaaaaaaaaaanita! SCULLY: Talk to him, Doggett! DOGGETT: [to CB] Hey, this is Doggett. SCULLY: [smacks him] No, dipshit! Use that girlie voice again! DOGGETT: [girlie voice] Hey, this is Doggett! SCULLY: [smacks him] No, assclown! You're Anita Mann! [Fortunately for our terrific trio, Rusty Nail's truck goes over a speed bump and the Firestone tires explode sending the truck into a ditch.] RUSTY NAIL: I'm going to have my Anita Mann! Do you hear me? I'm going to have my Anita Mann! SCULLY: Okay, so now what? DOGGETT: Now we leave that perverted maniac as far behind as we can before he gets his hands on me now! REYES: No, he said he'd get you later. Relax, Dogshit. SCULLY: We can't fight LOLA alone. We need another partner… But from where? REYES: I took this from this guy I fuh… I mean, met. [Reyes hands Scully a card that says B.R.O.T.H.E.R.H.O.O.D. on it.] SCULLY: Oh, give me a fucking break. REYES: Do you have a better idea? SCULLY: Yeah, let's go get someone useful. REYES: Now Scully, that would be selfish. After all, if we're all as useless as you say and WE'VE gotten this far, don't you think we'd go even further with an even more useless person? SCULLY: I'm not going. DOGGETT: All right… I hear that there are some Andromeda crew members looking for something to do. [Scully whips the car around and steps on the gas throwing Doggett and Reyes into the glass.] SCULLY: B.R.O.T.H.E.R.H.O.O.D., here we come. [Meanwhile, at Dr. Evil's…] Dr. Evil: All right everyone; I'd like to bring your attention to my newest diabolical plan! I have managed to obtain several unusual creatures from several horror movies! We have captured the Zombies from "Resident Evil", the Reapers from "Blade 2" and the Ghosts of Mars from… the… "Ghosts Of Mars". [Number Two coughs.] Dr. Evil: Number Two, is there a problem? Number Two: Yes, Dr. Evil. You see… While in captivity, the creatures… attacked one another. Dr. Evil: Really? What happened? Number Two: The Ghosts of Mars killed the Zombies. Dr. Evil: Oh. Well, we still have the Ghosts and the Reapers. Number Two: Actually… No. You see… The Reapers ate the Ghosts of Mars. Dr. Evil: Riiiiight. So we still have the Reapers? Number Two: No. The Reapers choked on the remains of the Ghosts of Mars. [A pause.] Dr. Evil: Shit. Would one of you tell me what the hell I'm paying you people for? All I wanted was an army of Zombies, Reapers and Ghosts of Mars! Is that really too much to frickin' ask? Number Two: Well, we took the remains of the creatures and took their genetic samples and are combining them into a super creature. But it will take time for the creature to gestate. Dr. Evil: Cool! Now allow me to introduce our newest junior inductees to L.O.L.A. Scott Evil: Who cares? They're just going to end up dead because they suck so bad! Dr. Evil: [Ignoring Scott] Ladies and gentlemen, I give you… Boba Fett! Scott Evil: Boba Fett??? Holy crap! The most feared bounty hunter in the universe and we got him? I'm impressed! [Boba Fett comes out… The child version from "Attack Of The Clones". He scampers up to the table, the helmet is too big for him and he walks right into the table, knocking himself out.] Scott Evil: Aw… this guy sucks! I thought you'd get the evil bastard that captured Han Solo! All this is some retarded kid in his dad's clothes! Dr. Evil: Perhaps this will impress you… I give you… the most imposing villains from Buffy The Vampire Slayer… Scott Evil: Awesome! Who is it? Glory? The Master? The Mayor? Dr. Evil: The Trio! [Warren, Andrew and Jonathan walk out.] Scott Evil: Okay, I KNOW these guys suck! Warren: [To Scott] Hey, aren't you the guy from that episode of "The X- Files?" Andrew: [To Warren] No! He's was that guy on that episode of SeaQuest! Jonathan: [To Warren & Andrew] What, are you idiots? It's Oz! From our high school! [The Trio starts fighting with one another. Scott turns to Dr. Evil] Scott: I hate you soooo much. Dr. Evil: Well, maybe LOLA's newest member will change the face of evil! LEX LUTHOR! [Scott is in awe.] Scott Evil: LEX LUTHOR? HOW? He's one of the world's most feared super- villains! [Scott pauses] Scott: Wait… Which Luthor is it? The one from the comics, the Gene Hackman version or the one from "Lois & Clark"? Dr. Evil: All wrong! Scott: Oh… no… Dr. Evil: Ladies and gentlemen, Lex Luthor from "Smallville"! [Lex walks out and strides up to Scott.] Lex Luthor: Hi! Wanna be friends? Scott Evil: What? Lex Luthor: Here. Take my car keys. It's a Porsche! Lana Lang is waiting in the passenger seat. I have tickets to the opera, but you can have them. Take her out, maybe she'll have sex with you! [Lex hands Scott some tickets and some car keys. Scott looks at Dr. Evil] Scott Evil: What is he going to do for LOLA? Kill people with kindness? Dr. Evil: Damn. I thought he would be evil-er. I don't really get the WB channel. Scott Evil: Well, screw this! I'm gonna go have sex with Lana Lang! [Scott runs off. Dr. Evil shifts in his chair.] Dr. Evil: So… anyone want to get something to drink? A Snapple? Sobe? [Lex hands Dr. Evil a cup of tea. Lex glances over at Mini-Me. Lex Sneers. Mini-Me looks around.] Dr. Evil: Now… Does anyone have any fricking clue where Scully, Doggett and whatserface are? [Meanwhile, on the side of the road. Scully is changing the tire of their car, Doggett is taking a leak and Reyes is wandering around. Oddly enough, they've parked by the house from "Jeepers Creepers". Doggett finishes peeing and walks over to Reyes. She's looking into a storm drain.] Doggett: Why are you looking into a storm drain, Reyes? You didn't drop your gun down the sewer again, did you? Reyes: No! But I think I saw something down there! Something… moving! Doggett: They're called rats, dumbass. Reyes: I think I'd better check it out. Doggett: Yeah, you do that. Reyes: Just lower me a little so I can see a little better. [Reyes climbs down into the pipe. Doggett holds on to her feet as he lowers her down. Scully walks up with two sodas.] Scully: Doggett, want a soda? Doggett: Awesome! [Doggett lets go of Reyes' feet to take his soda. We hear her scream as she slides down the pipe. Doggett fails to notice what he just did. Scully rushes up to the pipe.] Scully: Reyes! Are you all right? Reyes: MY GOD! IT'S HORRIBLE! IT'S GRUESOME!!! Scully: What is it, Reyes? Do you see a disgusting collection of hundreds of dead bodies lining the walls? Reyes: No. I just fell in a huge pile of shit! Doggett: Oh, so she should feel right at home. [Scully giggles. After a couple of minutes, they help Reyes out and head on their way. They're driving in their car.] Scully: So Reyes, where is this B.R.O.T.H.E.R.H.O.O.D.? Reyes: I think it's marked on my map. Hold on, let me get it. [In the background, we see the Creeper's truck rushing up behind them. Reyes grabs the map out of the glove compartment. She drops it on the floor. Scully, Doggett and Reyes duck down to grab the map. The Creeper's truck honks and rams into them from behind. Scully brings her head up as Creepers truck backs up again.] Reyes: [Looking for the map] What was that? Scully: Damned if I know, I think I hit a duck. Doggett: Again? Reyes: Found the map! [Reyes comes up with the open map blocking them from seeing what's in front of them. At that point, Rusty Nail is driving right towards them.] Rusty Nail: I need my Anita Mann! I need my Anita Mann! I need my Anita Mann! [Scully, Doggett and Reyes are looking at the map, failing to notice that the Creeper's truck is coming up behind them and Rusty Nail is headed straight towards them.] Reyes: Oh! Make a left! [Scully turns the car on a sharp left. Rusty Nail and the Creeper's truck slam head first into one another.] Rusty Nail: [In pain] Ow… Creeper: [Groaning] Better go Maaco… [Later, at the B.R.O.T.H.E.R.H.O.O.D., The Chief is escorting around Scully, Doggett, and Reyes] Reyes: What do you mean Undercover Brother isn't here??? I brought a gallon of baby oil and a roll of condoms!!! The Chief: Damn, settle down, woman! I told you he's on a top-secret mission. He'll be back eventually. Scully: So who's going to help us with L.O.L.A.? The Chief: Don't worry. In the meantime, I'll have one of our agents work with you. [Conspiracy Brother walks up to The Chief & the gang] The Chief: Conspiracy Brother, I want you to work with agents Scully, Doggett and Roy. Reyes: REYES! Conspiracy Brother: You want me to work with these three whiteys? What am I gonna do with them? Look at this guy right here! [Points to Doggett] This mofo's so tall, if he did a back-flip he'd kick Jesus in the mouth! Everyone: Ooohhh! Doggett: Oh yeah? You're so short, you can sit on a dime and swing yo legs! Everyone: Ooohhh! Conspiracy Brother: What? Mothafucka! Yo momma like a bowling ball! She gets picked up, fingered, thrown down the gutter, and the bitch still comes back for more! Everyone: Ooohhh! Doggett: Well, yo momma so ghetto she washes paper plates! Everyone: Ooohhh! Conspiracy Brother: Yo momma's hair is so nappy, her comb had to get dentures! Everyone: Ooohhh! Doggett: Yo mama's so dirty, she gets ring around the collar when she wears tank tops. Everyone: Ooohhh! Conspiracy Brother: I know yo mama from personal experience. She's just like an aircraft carrier, has a flat top, a big bottom, cruises up and down the coast, and picks up 100 sailors in every port. Everyone: Ooohhh! Doggett: [Pulls out a piece of paper] I have a poem. "Roses are red, violets are gray, I hate to say this, but yo mama is gay." Everyone: Ooohhh! Reyes: Your momma is so ugly, your "baby-daddy" doesn't like to sleep with her! [Doggett, Conspiracy Brother, Scully and The Chief stare at Reyes.] Conspiracy Brother: [To Reyes] Man, that snaps older than yo grandma's kick-start vibrator! Doggett: [To Reyes] Damn woman! Speak where I fucked you last night, you fart you're a liar! The Chief: [To Reyes] Tell yo mama to stop wearing blue lipstick, my balls look like Smurfs! Scully: [To Reyes] Wear a bra, Reyes! Ya looks like you got 4 arms! [Reyes starts crying. Doggett and Conspiracy Brother high five.] Conspiracy Brother: Damn, homie! You wanna go get a 40 and smoke some weed? Doggett: True dat! [All of the sudden, the doors to the B.R.O.T.H.E.R.H.O.O.D. are blown open and LOLA troops storm in.] Doggett: Holy crap!!! Look! It's Jack the Ripper! [Jack the Ripper from "From Hell" walks up.] Jack: Years from now, people will say I gave birth to the 20th century. Scully: It's the 21st century. [Jack pauses.] Jack: Wha? Scully: 2001, the first year of the 21st century. [Jack pauses, shifts uncomfortably and looks around.] Jack: Well… um… then… people will say I gave birth to the 21st century! Yeah! [A gunshot rings out and Jack drops dead. We see Conspiracy Brother holding a gun.] Conspiracy Brother: Nothing worse than a whitey with attitude! Mm! [Bones from "Bones" and Uber-Jason from "Jason X" storm in.] Conspiracy Brother: DAMN! They got Snoop? Bones: Fo shizzill my nizzill to the bo-bizzill fo rizzill! Scully: What the hell did he just say? Doggett: You don't want to know. Reyes: Oh my god! It's Jason! And he's been… Modified! [Jason is sporting a big honking gold member] Doggett: Great! This is how we're going to go out! Killed by a mumbling pimp and a cyborg hockey fanatic with a 24 karat dong! Scully: Don't worry, guys! I'm sure that with the help of the B.R.O.T.H.E.R.H.O.O.D. behind us, we'll be able to take out these guys! [A pause. Silence.] Scully: Guys? [Scully turns around to see the B.R.O.T.H.E.R.H.O.O.D. cleared out. Everyone but Doggett, Reyes and Scully have gone. Conspiracy Brother and The Chief are crawling out a window.] Scully: HEY! Where are you guys going?? Conspiracy Brother: We're getting the fuck outta here, that's where! Brothers don't last too long in horror movies! All y'all are on your own! The Chief: Fight the power! [They bail on Scully, Doggett & Reyes, leaving them alone against Uber- Jason & Bones.] ======================================================================= COMMERCIAL BREAK Coming soon to UPN… A special episode of Enterprise! Tracy Morgan guest stars as Ensign Astronaut Jones! Astronaut Jones: [Into communicator] Hello, Enterprise? This is Astronaut Jones. I'm on the planet Vulcan! There seems to be no one around. Over. I'll keep looking. Over. Maybe there's… danger. I think I hear someone coming. I'm going to make contact. Over and out, Earth. Bye. T'pol: Greetings Earthling, my name is T'pol… Astronaut Jones: Uh-huh. T'pol: I am a Vulcan. Astronaut Jones: Right. T'pol: A proud and peace loving race… Astronaut Jones: Right. T'pol: My people have been awaiting your arrival for some time now. Astronaut Jones: Stay word. T'pol: We're in desperate need of your help. Astronaut Jones: Dig it. T'pol: The Andorians have seized our cities and plundered our riches. Astronaut Jones: What? T'pol: They will stop at nothing until our whole civilization is… Astronaut Jones: Mmm-hmm. T'pol: …blotted from the universe. Astronaut Jones: Say what. T'pol: You're our only hope. Astronaut Jones: Right. T'pol: You must help us… Astronaut Jones: Dig. T'pol: …or we will surely perish. Astronaut Jones: Mmm-hmm. T'pol: What do you say? Astronaut Jones: Right. T'pol: What do you say to that, Human? Astronaut Jones: Well, why don't you drop out of that Vulcan jumpsuit and show me that phat ass! Astronaut Jones on Enterprise! Only on UPN! Where we throw crap at a wall and hope it sticks! ======================================================================= Bones and Uber-Jason are slowly advancing on Scully, Doggett, and Reyes. DOGGETT: Well, this is it. We're officially and totally boned and I shutter to think of what Uber-Jason is going to do with that gold dick. REYES: [licks lips] Oh, I do too. SCULLY: Guys, guys, guys! We're not through yet! We've got plenty of things we can use to get away right at our fingertips. For example, this can of hairspray and this lighter… [Scully holds up a can of Industrial Strength AFRO-SPRAY and a cigarette lighter.] SCULLY: Watch and learn. [Scully takes the lighter and turns the hairspray can into a flame thrower lighting Bones on fire and getting hairspray all over herself. Bones thrashes about. Scully's hair suddenly poofs out into a gigantic afro.] BONES: Ouch… mumble… mumble… ouch. [Bones falls to the floor a smoking heap.] BONES: Y'all wanna hit 'dis shit? [Bones inhales the smoke and dies. Uber-Jason looks at them and starts looming over Reyes.] REYES: Hey, why's he coming after me? DOGGETT: Because you're like the Pillsbury Doughboy. Everybody pokes ya'! REYES: Hey, don't start that again! SCULLY: It's because you're a slut and Jason is always compelled to kill the sluts first. Hey, that gives me an idea! Come on, everyone! [They all run down a hall and come to an office with the words "WHITE SHE-DEVIL" stenciled on it. Scully knocks on the door and continues to run down the hall dragging Doggett and Reyes behind her. Denise Richards as "WHITE SHE-DEVIL" sticks her head out and looks around.] WHITE SHE-DEVIL: Yes? Hello? [She looks and sees Jason coming down the hall with his giant gold honker.] WHITE SHE-DEVIL: Well, well, well… Why don't you come into my office, big boy. I'm white and naïve and have never experienced true love. [White She-Devil slinks into her office. Uber-Jason follows with his machete ready. The door slams and we hear thuds, crashes, and a woman's scream. The door opens and Uber-Jason tries to run away but is caught by White She-Devil.] WHITE SHE-DEVIL: Mamma did not give you permission to leave. Mamma spank! [White She-Devil drags him back inside where we hear more girlie screams and crashing.] [Next, we see the outside of the B.R.O.T.H.E.R.H.O.O.D.. Uber-Jason jumps out of the tenth story window in a desperate attempt to escape White She-Devil's clutches.] [On the street below, RUSTY NAIL and THE CREEPER are waiting in the Mack Truck.] RUSTY NAIL: As soon as they come out of there, let's jump 'em. You can have the other two, but Anita Mann is MINE!!! CREEPER: Dibs on the vital organs. WHAM!!! Uber-Jason crashes through the cab and lands on Rusty Nail and The Creeper knocking them out. Uber-Jason gets out of the cab and runs down the street. Scully, Doggett, and Reyes emerge from the building.] SCULLY: Well, that was a total bust. DOGETT: I agree. We haven't found Mulder and we STILL have no idea what LOLA is planning. VOICE: Perhaps I can help you. REYES: Who said that? VOICE: I did. SCULLY: Skinner, is that you? [They look. Skinner is hiding in a trashcan, his face barely visible over the top.] DOGGETT: Chief? What are you doing in there? SKINNER: Nevermind that! Here are your new orders. [Skinnner hands Doggett the new orders. Doggett reads. There is a typewriter sound effects as his eyes go back and forth over the document.] DOGGETT: Proceed immediately to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry to meet Harry Potter to seek new leads on the case. This message with self-destruct in five seconds. [He wads up the paper] Not to worry, chief, I'm ALWAYS on duty! Doggett tosses the paper into the trash with Skinner as he and the others walk off. SKINNER: Oh, NO! BLAM! SKINNER: DOGGETT!!! [Skinner collapses in the trashcan. Mulder comes along and rolls it out of the way. The others never see him.] ----------------------------------------------------------------------- COMMERICAL BREAK It's DARTH BROOKS greatest hits on a five album set! Here such country classics as… YOU GAVE ME A BURNING SENSATION WHEN I PEE YOUR SISTER'S PREGGERS WITH MY KID MY WIFE DON'T KNOW 'BOUT YOU, ROSEALITA I LIKE MY SISTER'S ASS PLEASE DON'T TOUCH ME THERE AGAIN, DADDY LET'S GO BEAT SOME MEXICANS CORN GRITS AND DOLLY PARTON'S TITS I WISH I COULD LICK MY BALLS LIKE OL' RED AND MUCH MUCH MORE! This album is not available in stores (but that shouldn't be too much of a surprise). Operators are standing by waiting for the friggin' phone to ring. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- [MEANWHILE, IN DOCTOR EVIL'S SECRET UNDERWATER SUBMARINE!!!] [Doctor Evil is holding a whole turkey and looking up.] DOCTOR EVIL: Here comes num-nums. Here comes nummy-nums! [Scott walks in] SCOTT EVIL: What are you doing? DOCTOR EVIL: It's Maxi-Me's feeding time. MAXI-ME: One time I saw this dog… and then I saw the dog… And then I… One time I saw this dog, and it was cool and stuff. DOCTOR EVIL: You know, Scott… I've loved all my clones, but this one is a little… Oh, how do I put this? SCOTT EVIL: He sucks? DOCTOR EVIL: That and his poop is huge, but nevermind that… Have any more applicants shown up? SCOTT EVIL: [rolls eyes] Yeah. DOCTOR EVIL: Well don't just stand there, Scottie. Show them in. SCOTT EVIL: Before I do, I just wanted to show you my idea of what a LOLA should be. [The beast thing from "Brotherhood of the Wolf" walks in.] DOCTOR EVIL: What in the name of God is that thing? SCOTT EVIL: It's a… [a beat] I don't know what it is, but it's this tiger thing and it's got… well… LOOK AT THE METAL!!! [The beast thing is gone] Hey, where did it go? [Maxi-Me is hugging the beast.] MAXI-ME: Hello little friend. I will love you and hug you and love you and hug you and name you George. [The beast falls to the ground dead.] MAXI-ME: Aw, George don't move no more… just like my old pets! [Maxi-Me fishes into his pockets, producing the monster from "The Relic", the giant squid from "The Beast", and the werewolf from "An American Werewolf in Paris."] DOCTOR EVIL: Oh dear! It looks like we're back to my plan. SCOTT EVIL: But I… DOCTOR EVIL: Shhh! SCOTT EVIL: Okay, fuck this. Here's your lame LOLAs, you ass. [Scott walks over to a door and lets in several new LOLAs.] SCOTT EVIL: Dad, this is Uber-Scrappy Doo from the Scooby Doo movie. UBER-SCRAPPY: PUPPY POWER!!! SCOTT EVIL: This is the Uber-Morlock from The Time Machine. UBER-MORLOCK: Come closer… I don't bite. DOCTOR EVIL: Uber? Uber? [Uber-Jason walks in.] DOCTOR EVIL: Uber! Three Uber-characters… Scott, I'm having an epiphany! SCOTT EVIL: I'll call 911. DOCTOR EVIL: No, I mean I'm having an idea. A big idea. These three will head a new LOLA Squad. I shall call them, the Diabolical Uber Members Bounds to Assassinate Scully Soon. It's a little wordy, but we can use an acronym. SCOTT EVIL: The D.U.M.B.A.S.S. squad? DOCTOR EVIL: Yes, the D.U.M.B.A.S.S. squad. DUMBASSES, GO TO HOGWARTS AND KILL SCULLY AND HER FRIENDS! KILL, KILL, KILL!!! [The D.U.M.B.A.S.S. Squad runs out the door.] DOCTOR EVIL: THAT'S THE CLOSET!!! [The D.U.M.B.A.S.S. Squad re-emerges from the closet and runs out the door.] [MEANWHILE, Dogget, Scully, and Reyes are on their way to Hogwarts in their rental car. They've stopped by that house from "Thirteen Ghosts" to get directions. Doggett is banging on the door.] DOGGETT: Hello? Anyone home? [The doors open and they all walk inside.] SCULLY: Christ, this house is like Salvador Dali's worst nightmare. DOGGETT: And that wallpaper! Plaids with pastilles? Puh-lease! [Meanwhile, Reyes sits on a table and accidentally presses a button that says "DO NOT PRESS, YOU DUMB BITCH!" The second she presses it, cages in the basement opens and the invisible ghosts are let loose. Scully sees a pair of glasses.] SCULLY: Hey, look at this… It's some of those glasses that let you see what you normally couldn't see. [She puts them on and looks at Reyes. There is a white viscous fluid all over Reyes' face. Sully reacts in disgust.] REYES: [oblivious] What? DOGGETT: What do you see, Scully? SCULLY: Well, I… WHOA!!! [Doggett has even more of the mystery goo on his face.] DOGGETT: What is it? SCULLY: It's jizz… I mean, it's just… just a little dirt. DOGETT: Oh. [Scully looks down a hallway and sees Thirteen Ghosts heading towards them.] SCULLY: Oh my GOD! THE THIRTEEN GHOSTS!!! [The Thirteen Ghosts turn out to be Casper and his three uncles, Slimer, The Funky Phantom, The Boo Brothers, Bill Cosby, the ghost from Scary Movie 2, Bruce Willis, and two Patrick Swayze's. By this time, Doggett and Reyes have put on glasses.] REYES: Hey, why are there two Patrick Swayze's? DOGGETT: The other one must be his career! SCULLY: Wow, at first I was really scared but now I'm just bored. This is extremely lame. I mean, what is this group of unscary ghosts supposed to do to us? [Slimer screams and heads right towards Scully. Scully screams as Slimer gets closer and closer and closer until…] [CUT TO: Doggett, Reyes, and Scully exit the house. Scully is covered in slime and Dogget and Reyes are giggling.] SCULLY: Well, at least now I'm not the only one covered in mysterious goo. [A LITTLE WHILE LATER AT HOGWARTS SCHOOL OF WITCHCRAFT AND WIZARDRY…] SCULLY: You must be Harry Potter. HARRY POTTER: Dude, I really need some Cheetoes. SCULLY: But we need your help to find Mulder and stop Doctor Evil from taking over the world. HARRY POTTER: Nachos would be killer. [Doggett bends over and smells of Harry Potter] DOGGET: Hey! Harry's a Pothead! REYES: And the Sorcerer's Stoned! SCULLY: Well, shit! Fucking limey brat! [Scully slaps the shit out of Harry Potter] HARRY POTTER: That wasn't very nice! SCULLY: I had to snap you out of it so you can help us find Mulder. HARRY POTTER: Mulder? SCULLY: And stop LOLA. HARRY POTTER: That does appear to be a ditty of a problem, gov'anh. Let's see what I can do for you. [Harry waves his arms around and a crystal ball appears. He looks into the ball.] HARRY POTTER: I see a man… his thoughts are perverse and disgusting. All day he thinks of nothing but acts of extreme perversion with women and farm animals. SCULLY: That's Mulder! Where is he!? HARRY POTTER: Well, that's easy. He's… [THWACK! Harry Potter's head is cut off by Uber-Jason. The Uber- Morlock and Uber-Scrappy are right behind him.] UBER-SCRAPPY: Let me at 'em! I'll splat 'em! SCULLY: THE JIG IS UP! DOGGETT: AND GONE! [Scully, Doggett, and Reyes run in different directions. Uber-Jason, of course, takes off after Reyes… Uber-Morlock goes after Doggett… and Uber-Scrappy goes after Scully. Scully reaches into he purse and pulls out a book that says, "SLOW AND PAINFUL WAYS TO KILL A PUPPY by CHARLES MANSON." She reads.] SCULLY: Chapter one: So you want to kill your puppy? Blah, blah, blah… It is a little known fact that a puppy loves to eat and will eat until he gorges himself and dies. [Scully throws down the book and keeps running] What the hell is there for a giant evil mutant puppy TO eat here? [Scully runs through a door and suddenly finds herself in the Hogwart's banquet hall with hundred of annoying British kids. She looks back at the quickly approaching Scrappy.] SCULLY: [yells] HEY, KIDS! TELL ME WHO THE WORST CARTOON CHARACTER IN HISTORY IS!!! HOGWARTS KIDS: SCRAPPY DOO!!! [Uber-Scrappy-Doo explodes through the door.] UBER-SCRAPPY: WHAT!? [Uber-Scrappy leaps into the banquet hall and starts eating all the annoying Hogwarts kids. As the kids scream and their bodies are devoured, Scully sits down in a chair, sips an ice tea, and enjoys the carnage.] [Meanwhile, Doggett is running away from the Uber-Morlock. He trips and falls to the ground. Uber-Morlock picks him up.] UBER-MORLOCK: You can't escape the fact that I am the inevitable result of YOU! DOGGETT: So you're an albino. No fault of mine. UBER-MORLOCK: I am not an albino. I am the result of eight hundred thousand years of evolution. Check out my humongous brain. [The Uber-Morlock shows Doggett the brain running down his back.] DOGGETT: Holy, SHIT! I've seen some nasty shit and THAT is some nasty shit! UBER-MORLOCK: Now I shall kill you and eat you. DOGGETT: I take that back, THAT is some nasty shit. [Doggett shoves a toothpick into the Uber-Morlock's brain.] UBER-MORLOCK: BLORG! Oh, there goes my entire fourth grade year! Thank YOU so much! [Doggett kicks the Uber-Morlock in the brain several more times.] UBER-MORLOCK: Ouch! I can't remember how to program the VCR! Ouch! There goes the piano lessons! Ouch! I can't remember what my mother looks like! Ouch! I just shit my pants! [Doggett kicks the Uber-Morlock in the balls.] UBER-MORLOCK: EEEEEEK! [looks at camera] Oh no, not again! [Doggett throws the Uber-Morlock in front of a television where "FREDDY GOT FINGERED" is playing. As Tom Green continues not to be entertaining, the Uber-Morlock is in agony!] UBER-MORLOCK: ARRRRRRGH! WHEN WILL IT END!? [The Uber-Morlock's body rots in an elaborate and nasty special effect until he is nothing but a pile of bones slowly crumbling into dust.] DOGGETT: What if, bitch? [Doggett walks off with a definite rhythm in his step.] [Meanwhile, in the Hogwart's banquet hall, Scully is watching Uber- Scrappy continue to devour the Hogwarts student body. She looks increasingly bored.] [Meanwhile again, Reyes is running from Uber-Jason. She gets an idea, throws on a sweater and a pair of spectacles and stops. Uber-Jason walks up to her.] REYES: Jason, it's mommy! Jason stop! [Uber-Jason stops and cocks his head in Jason-esque curiosity.] REYES: You've done well, Jason. They're all dead. You've killed all the sluts and the whores and the junkies… Mamma's proud of you. What have you got there? [Uber-Jason hands Reyes a paper with crayon all over it.] REYES: Aw, you drew mommy a drawing. Come give mama a hug. [Uber-Jason hugs Reyes and starts crying.] REYES: There, there, there… You're not such a bad guy, are you? You just needed a mother's love and affection, didn't you? UBER-JASON: [Sniffs] Uh-huh. REYES: That's a good boy. Momma loves her little boy. [Back in the banquet hall, Scully is now reading a different book: "QUICK AND PAINFUL WAYS TO KILL YOUR PUPPY" by John Wayne Gacy. She reads and reads and finally takes a giant cork and shoves it in Uber- Scrappy's asshole. Uber-Scrappy gets bigger and bigger and bigger as he eats.] UBER-SCRAPPY: Uh-oh! ZOINKS!!! [Uber-Scrappy explodes showering puppy parts and chewed up kids parts everywhere. His pelt slowly lands on the ground.] SCULLY: That went well. [Dogget and Reyes enter with Uber-Jason.] SCULLY: [looks at Uber-Jason] What the hell is THIS!? REYES: This from the woman in the room covered with puppy and limey kids? SCULLY: I withdraw the question. REYES: All Uber-Jason needed was a mommy. After all, it was vengeance for his dead mother that led him to kill everyone. [Uber-Jason's eyes go wide.] REYES: [echoing] Dead mommy… Dead mommy… Dead mommy… Dead mommy… Kill everyone… Kill everyone… Kill everyone… UBER-JASON: eeeeeeeeeeeeeerrraaaaAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!! [Uber-Jason prepares to lop the oblivious Scully, Doggett, and Reye's heads off when, suddenly, a trap door opens and he falls out of sight. They turn around just as the door shuts again.] REYES: Did you say something, Jason? Jason? Now where did he go? DOGGETT: Well, you knew the little birdie would leave the nest one day. [In the background, Mulder is seen by the trapdoor lever. He wipes his brow and sneaks out the back.] REYES: I'll never forget my little son, Jason. SCULLY: Jason wasn't your son. REYES: Who wasn't my son? DOGGETT: Hey, speaking of kids… Scully, where the hell is yours? SCULLY: Oh, I hired a babysitter. Somebody by the name of Vigo the Carpathian… He seemed nice. [Meanwhile, in Scully's apartment, Vigo the Carpathian from Ghostbusters II is holding Scully's baby in front of him.] VIGO: Now, I WILL LIVE AGAIN THROUGH YOU!!! [Scully's baby pees in his face.] VIGO: Oh, you little bastard! No pagan ceremony for you tonight! [Vigo puts him in bed and stomps out the door.] [Back at Hogwarts…] SCULLY: I hate this place. Let's get the hell out of here. [They walk out the door. CRUELLA DeVIL from the horrible live action 101 Dalmatians movies enters and looks at the dead Uber-Scrappy's pelt.] CRUELLA DeVIL: This pelt is magnificent! I must have more like it and I bet THOSE THREE know where I can find more. I MUST follow them and MAKE them show me! [Outside Hogwarts, Mulder, Scully, and Doggett get into the car and takes off. Cruella DeVil comes out after them, jumping into her car and taking off after them.] [Meanwhile, in the car, Dogget, Scully, and Reyes are singing along to Bohemian Rhapsody badly and getting all the words wrong. Doggett is driving] DOGGET: OH MAMMA MIA MAMMA MIA! SCULLY & REYES: MAMMA MIA LET ME GO! ALL OF THEM: THE ALGEBRA IS A DEVIL OF A SIDE FOR ME! FOR MEEEEE! FOR MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! [They start head-banging. Reyes repeatedly hits her head on the dashboard. Through the front glass, we see Rusty Nail's Mack Truck approaching.] RUSTY NAIL: [over CB] Anitaaaaaa? DOGGETT: What the…? REYES: It's the CB! DOGGETT & REYES: I'll get it! [They both bend down to get the CB, banging their heads together. Doggett holds he head in pain as the car drives off the road. Rusty Nail's Mack Truck plows into Cruella DeVil's car.] Cruella DeVil: Shit! Rusty Nail: Fuck! THE CREEPER: Balls! ----------------------------------------------------------------------- COMMERCIAL BREAK Coming to Bravo, it's INSIDE THE ACTOR'S STUDIO with special guest, OZZY OSBORNE! HOST: Ozzy… May I call you Ozzy? OZZY: I don't give a… give a fuck, man. HOST: Ozzy, MTV's look into your life has been a phenomenal success both in ratings and audience enthusiasm. What would you say is the secret of your success? OZZY: I don't… fuckin' know, man… I just (indecipherable mumbling) Fuck (indecipherable mumbling) …man. You fucking know it, right? HOST: Indeed we do. What would Ozzy say to himself ten years from now? OZZY: [stares blankly ahead in a drunken stupor, then falls on the floor.] HOST: Marvelous. Coming soon to Bravo! Right after that movie about a young man's gay awakening and before that movie about the holocaust. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- [Dogget, Scully, and Reyes' car is still plowing through the woods and finally erupts into a strange village. A sign reads "WELCOME TO HOBBINGTON" before they run it over. Finally, the car crashes into a hobbit hole. Frodo, Samwise, Merry, and Pippin run out. As Scully, Dogget, and Reyes stumble out of the car in a daze.] FRODO: Blimey! Did you see that!? SAMWISE: Are you guys all right? SCULLY: We're fine, we just… HOLY SHIT! IT'S MINI-ME! [Scully kicks Samwise in the balls.] SAMWISE: Erk! DOGGETT: Calm down, Scully… That's not Mini-Me. It's a hobbit. They're a bunch of small people with hairy feet. REYES: Just like Danny DeVito. SCULLY: Well, at least we'll be safe here from the LOLA goons. [Mister Feather, Doctor Giggles, The Trio, and Memnon from "The Scorpion King" jump out of the woods.] MEMNON: Prepare to die! MR. FEATHER: Word, bitch! DOCTOR GIGGLES: I have a prescription for pain in you name! THE TRIO: [orgasmic] OH MY GOD! WE'RE IN HOBBINGTON!!! DOGGETT: Run like hell! SCULLY: Run like the wind, Bullseye! REYES: Run like the Vice President being served a subpoena! [Scully, Doggett, and Reyes run for it. Pippin, Merry, Samwise, and Frodo take out their swords.] SAMWISE: BACK YOU DEVILS!!! [Memnon stabs Frodo with his sword.] PIPPIN: Again? Frodo, you suck! [Frodo throws down his sword] Frodo: That is IT! I have had it being everyone's midget pincushion! I never wanted this stupid ring! I just wanted to do what I've always dreamed of! Merry: And what's that? Frodo: DANCE! [Frodo yanks off his robes to reveal he's wearing nothing but a pair of little gold shorts. He starts dancing to some R&B music. Dr. Giggles, Memnon and Mr. Feather start staring. They're hypnotized by the dancing.] Dr. Giggles, Memnon & Mr. Feather: Frodo… Frodo… Frodo… Dr. Giggles: Frodo! I can get you any kind of plastic surgery you want! Memnon: Frodo! I want you to play with my man-sword! Mr. Feather: Frodo! I'm going to sue you for copyright infringement! Dr. Giggles: The hell you will! Memnon: No one touches Frodo! [Dr. Giggles and Memnon kill Mr. Feather] Mr. Feather: GAHRRRHH! Dr. Giggles: Frodo! Come with me! Memnon: No, Frodo! Come with me! Frodo: NO! No one has the Frodo! [Frodo slaps his ass.] Memnon: But why, Frodo? Dr. Giggles: Why? Frodo: Why, you ask? Can a rainbow take a dump? Can you tell a cat to be a dog? Can two hack writers crank out a decent parody? NO! Such is the way of the Frodo! [Frodo slaps his ass again.] Memnon: If I can't have you Frodo…I DON'T WANNA LIVE! [Memnon stabs himself and dies.] Dr. Giggles: Same here! [Dr. Giggles stabs himself and dies.] Frodo: Why? Why do so many men fall at the feet of the Frodo? [Smiles] Okay, I know why! [Frodo goes back to dancing. Pippin, Merry and Samwise start throwing money at Frodo. Meanwhile, Scully, Doggett and Reyes are still running.] Scully: Anyone know where the hell we're going? Reyes: No clue. Doggett: I'm just following the both of you. [Scully stops.] Scully: Well, how about we form a plan? [Doggett and Reyes stop running and they start talking. Meanwhile from a distance away, Jonathan, Warren and Andrew are watching them.] Warren: All right. Here's the plan. I jump the brunette. You two jump the skinny guy and the redhead. Then we go back and party with the hobbits and steal that ring and sell that shit on Ebay! Andrew: Scully wants me sooo bad… Jonathan: You're an idiot! [The Trio are about to attack when they're hit from behind. They turn around to see The Lone Gunmen standing behind them.] Frohike: You little chuckleheaded butt monkeys have given us sci-fi fans a bad name for the last time! Byers: Yeah. And we've got a cancelled series' worth of frustration to take out on you dorks. Langly: And you're about to find out OURS is the better kung-fu! Warren: Oh yeah? Well the odds are three on three! And with our youth and genius, you three old guys are going down! Right, guys? [A pause.] Warren: Guys? [Warren looks around and sees Jonathan and Andrew hightailing it. Warren turns back to see the Lone Gunmen advancing on him.] Warren: Um… Can we talk about this? [The Lone Gunmen beat the crap out of Warren, killing him by ripping his skin off.] Warren: Oh no, NOT AGAIN! ACK! [He dies. Mulder walks out and high fives them.] Mulder: Thanks guys. Byers: No problem. Now to go find us that fuck at FOX that canned our show. Then it's on to Carter to "discuss" what he did to us… Frohike: And then those little bastards, Jesse Glaspey and Jason Donner… I mean, getting eaten by a Spinosauras in a lame sequel to a stupid parody? Man, they are so dead. [Meanwhile, in Dr. Evil's hidden submarine… Dr. Evil is in a lab with Number Two.] Number Two: Dr. Evil, the creature made of the genetic matter of the Ghosts Of Mars, The Reapers and the Zombies is almost ready. Let me introduce you to the doctor in charge of the project. Meet Dr. Eckhart from "Mutant X"! [Eckhart, that Andy Warhol looking motherfucker from Mutant X walks out.] Eckhart: Greetings Dr. Evil. The creature is almost ready. Dr. Evil: Coool. [A bell dings.] Eckhart: It's ready! [Eckhart opens a locked chamber. Mariah Carey from "Glitter" walks out.] Dr. Evil: She's breathtaking. Is she… evil? Number Two: Oh yes. Watch this. Mariah. [Points to Eckhart] He's a movie critic! Mariah: RAHHHRRRRR!!! [Mariah unhinges her jaw and swallows Eckhart whole.] Dr. Evil: Holy! Number Two: Impressive, huh? Dr. Evil: Right on. Number Two: We've also managed to contact other worlds in order to gain more LOLA members. Introducing, from "Men In Black 2" Serleena and Charlie and from "Attack of the Clones" Jango Fett. Dr. Evil: Excellent. Send them, Boba and Silik to the FBI's headquarters! They shall be our Aliens Now After Skinner! A.N.A.S. for short! I believe we've been following the wrong people. Instead of going after Scully, Doggett and Mulder, A.D. Skinner may hold a better lead to Agent Mulder. [Something bumps into Dr. Evil's leg. He turns around to see Lex Luthor from "Smallville" kneeling behind him. Lex is dressed like Dr. Evil with shoes tied to his knees.] Dr. Evil: What the…? How the…? A-buhhh? Lex: I brought you a hot pocket sir! [Lex holds up a tray with a hot pocket on it.] Dr. Evil: Thank you, I'm sure. Would you happen to know where Mini-Me is? Lex: You don't need him. You've got me! He's getting a makeover. [Elsewhere on the submarine, Mini-Me is running from Mugatu from "Zoolander".] Mini-Me: Eeeeeeee! Mugatu: I just want to give you a mineral bath! I'm not trying to drown you! I SWEAR! I'M NOT TAKING CRAZY PILLS HERE PEOPLE!!! Mini-Me: Eeeeeeee! [Mugatu keeps chasing after Mini-Me. Meanwhile at FBI headquarters… Skinner is in his office reading porn. Scully, Doggett and Reyes walk in.] Skinner: [Throws magazine over shoulder] GAH! What are you all doing here? Scully: Well, we decided that it's pointless running around being chased when I think that we were sent on a wild goose chase! Mulder would contact me if he was on the run! Someone's keeping him from us on purpose! And I think you know who, Skinner! Skinner: You're right. Scully: I AM??? Skinner: Yes. I sent Mulder on a top-secret mission. And I had to make it look like he was kidnapped in order to keep LOLA distracted as they follow you hunting for him. Scully: So the three of us were a big expendable distraction? Skinner: No, just two of you. Doggett: [Laughing] HA! Sucks to be you and Reyes! Eh, Scully? [Skinner shakes his head.] Skinner: And now that the three of you know. I have to talk to other operatives about our next plan of action. [Skinner pulls out his computer and goes online.] Skinner: Me and other like-minded professionals have to meet in an anonymous chatroom to avoid any suspicion. [The following is a transcript of the chat session] *SkinMan has entered the room* SkinMan: Emergency meeting everyone! Scully and the retards know. SexyYoda1138: Changing the plans now we must! ScoobyD00d: Right! ROLA rill roon rind out! SkinMan: Why are you both typing the way you speak??? MaceMOFO: We will have to launch a full on assault on LOLA very soon. HotNShaggy: But, like, what about Scully and the retards, man? SkinMan: I can send them in as well with some other operatives. SuperWillow: Will they be able to hold off LOLA while Mulder finishes his task? SkinMan: They have to. They're the stars of this story. MVaughn: We'd never know that from the clowns writing this tripe. SPYKIDZ: True dat. Jesse: I HEARD THAT! Jason: Get a spoon and eat my ass! *SwimF@n has entered the room* SwimF@n: A/S/L KUTIE? I'm 18/F/LA. SkinMan: 40/M/D.C. HotNShaggy: 20/M/My van SexyYoda1138: Dagobah/Old/M/ SuperWillow: 21/F/CA SPYKIDZ: 12/F/Wherever our missions go. *SPYKIDZ has been kicked by MaceMOFO (Too young, goddamnit!)* SwimF@n: ME SO HORNY MIBJay: 'Sup, baby? SkinMan: Can we stay on topic, here? The world is at stake! SwinF@n: ANYONE WATCH THE OSBORNES??? SexyYoda1138: Osbornes watcher I am! MVaughn: LOL Kelly is funny! HotNShaggy: ROLF I <3 Kelly! SwimF@n: ROTFLMSFAO I love big wimmin!!! SkinMan: GODDAMMIT! MULDER, IS THAT YOU? SwimF@n: …………Yes. Zoolander: Is anyone here really, really good looking? SkinMan: AUGH! I give up!!! *SkinMan has left the room* [Skinner slams his laptop closed and throws it out the window. Meanwhile, outside and several floors below, Rusty Nail, The Creeper and Cruella DeVil are driving up. "Wake Me Up (Before You Go-go)" by Wham! is playing on their stereo. They're bobbing along happily when a laptop computer smashes into their windshield startling them and sending them out of control and crashing into a gas station, blowing it up. Meanwhile, back in Skinner's office…] Skinner: I want you guys to invade LOLA. I'm sending you in with a couple other agents from other divisions. [Presses a intercom button] Send in the S.I.S.S.I's! [The door opens and characters from several spy shows and action movies from the past year come in.] Skinner: This is Jack Bauer from "24". Jack Bauer: Hi. [A digital clock appears at the bottom of the screen that keeps blinking 12:00 pm] Scully: Wait! I watched that show! All he did is drive around a lot and talk into a cell phone! Skinner: Not true. He also does this. [Snaps fingers] [Jack grabs Scully and shoves her against a wall.] Jack: WHERE'S MY WIFE AND DAUGHTER? WHERE ARE THEY? I'LL KILL YOU! Skinner: Jack! They're outside my office. You drove them here. See? [Skinner opens the door and we see Jack's wife and daughter sitting outside.] Skinner: They're perfectly fine. [As Skinner closes the door, we hear a gunshot.] Jack's Daughter: [From outside] MOM! Skinner: Er… they should be okay. Anyways, this is Sydney Bristow from "Alias". Sydney: My name is Sydney Bristow. Seven years ago I was recruited by a secret branch of the CIA called SD-6. I was sworn to secrecy, but I couldn't keep it from my fiancé. And when the head of SD-6 found out, he had him killed. That's when I learned the truth: SD-6 is not part of the CIA; I've been working for the very people I thought I was fighting against. So, I went to the only place that could help me take them down. Now I'm a double agent for the CIA, where my handler is a man named Michael Vaughn. Only one other person knows the truth about what I do - another double agent inside SD-6. Someone I hardly know, my father. [Everyone pauses.] Skinner: Yeah, that's nice… Anyways… Sydney: I was trying to stop a prophecy that was written centuries ago from being fulfilled that tied in with a picture of a woman we thought looked like me, but turned out to be my mother, a former KGB agent that killed Vaughn's father and faked her own death, coming back years later as a mysterious head of a criminal organization, dubbing herself as "The Man". Skinner: Whatever… Anyways… Sydney: Meanwhile, a friend of mine, a reporter has been looking into my life while researching a story that has ties to SD-6. I told him to stop looking into my life, but he did it anyways and is being threatened into working for SD-6. Skinner: Fine… Sydney: I had a sandwich for lunch. It was a ham and cheese sandwich on rye bread with lettuce, tomatoes and pickles with a little mayo. I had some french fries too. There were 27 fries. One was burned pretty bad and ten had way too much salt. Skinner: SHUT UP! SHUT THE HELL UP! Sydney: Sorry. Skinner: Over here is Jack Ryan from "The Sum Of All Fears"… [Skinner looks around. Jack isn't anywhere to be seen. He leans over his desk to see Jack face down in the trash can, passed out.] Skinner: DAMMIT, AFFLECK! I told you to stop drinking on the job! Jack Ryan: Burp! Skinner: Screw it. This is Jason Bourne from "The Bourne Identity" Jason Bourne: Who am I? How did I get here? Who are you people??? Skinner: Unfortunately, he's still suffering from amnesia. And this is XXX from "XXX". XXX: Yo! I live for this shit! [XXX grabs a parachute and jumps out the window.] Scully: Does he know we're only on the second floor? [Everyone leans out the window and sees XXX lying face down on the ground, unconscious and his parachute blowing in the wind.] Skinner: And finally, this is Anthony Hopkins from "Bad Company". [Anthony Hopkins walks up.] Anthony Hopkins: Hello. Scully: HEY! That's not Anthony Hopkins! That's Hannibal Lecter! Reyes: The serial killer? Scully: No, the tap dancer, you stupid bitch! We end up teaming with Lecter every year for some reason! Doggett: Why are government agents teaming with a serial killer every year? [Scully shrugs.] Anthony Hopkins: I assure you; I'm not Hannibal Lecter. Skinner: Wait, where's Chris Rock? [Anthony Hopkins burps.] Anthnoy Hopkins: Mmmm… dark meat. Scully: Ooh! Ooh! See! Sydney: See what? He burped! [Scully turns around to yell at Sydney. Sydney now has a completely different hairstyle. Color and all. Before Scully can say anything, the wall is blown open. Silik, Serleena, Scard/Charlie, Young Boba Fett and Jango Fett are standing in the wreckage.] ======================================================================= COMMERCIAL BREAK [Adam Sandler, David Spade and Mike Myers are sitting around a table.] Adam Sandler: I'm thinking of remaking another Frank Capra movie. David Spade: I'm thinking of doing another sitcom. Mike Myers: I'm thinking of playing even more characters in my next movie. [We cut to that guy from the Snickers commercial] Guy from the Snickers ads: Bad judgment! No! Not cool! Another side effect of hunger! Snickers: Don't let hunger happen to you! ======================================================================= [LOLA is attacking the gang… again.] Silik: Surrender, Skinner! Or prepare to be invaded by ANAS!!! Doggett: Huh. Usually, it's the other way around. [Everyone stares at Doggett.] Scully: I've got to do something! [Scully punches Doggett in the stomach] Scully: There, I feel better. Silik: It will be no small task to dispose of all of you… Dana… Scully: [shutters] Silik: John… Doggett: [shutters] Silik: And Monica… Reyes: [shutters] Scully: The way he keeps calling us by our first name is so creepy. Skinner: Enough of this shit! S.I.S.S.I.s, ATTACK!!! Serleena: GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!!! [Serleena's tentacles lash out. Timothy Dalton (the worst James Bond ever) walks in the door.] Timothy Dalton: Hey guys, am I late for the meeting? [Serleena's tentacles wrap around Timothy Dalton and squeezes him until he shits his pants and dies. Charlie from MIB II rubs himself down with cow manure and jumps into a shopping basket and hurtles towards Doggett, Scully, and Reyes.] Charlie: My name is Charlie and this is manure carting. Time to die! Scard: Yeah, time to die! Eeeee hee hee hee hee heeeeeeeeee!!! XXX: Hey, that's a deathtrap! TO THE EXTREME!!! [XXX leaps into the flaming shopping cart with Charlie and Scard, sending it off course and crashing through the window and into the air… colliding with the Green Goblin's glider and sending it towards Rusty Nail's exploded truck where Rusty Nail, Cruelia DeVil, and The Creeper are just hauling themselves out of the rubble. They all scream at the oncoming catastrophe.] Rusty Nail: Oh…! Crueila DeVil: My…! Creeper: Dear…! Green Goblin: GOD! [BLAM!!! HUGE EXPLOSION!!!] [Meanwhile, back in Skinner's office…] Jango Fett: Now, I will take care of you, Jason Bourne! Jason Bourne: Who's Jason Bourne? Jango Fett: You're Jason Bourne. Jason Bourne: Who's asking? Jango Fett: I am. Jason Bourne: You're what? Jango Fett: I'm asking. Jason Bourne: Asking what? Jango Fett: Who are you? Jason Bourne: I have no idea, do you? Jango Fett: Jason Bourne Jason Bourne: What about him? Jango Fett: That's you! Jason Bourne: Who? Jango Fett: You! Jason Bourne: What about me? Jango Fett: You are Jason Bourne. Jason Bourne: Who's Jason Bourne? Jango Fett: You are! Jason Bourne: I am? Jango Fett: Yes! Jason Bourne: Yes what? Jango Fett: You know who you are! Jason Bourne: I do? Jango Fett: You do what? Jason Bourne: What? Jango Fett: What? Jason Bourne: Hi, I don't think we've been introduced… I'm Jason Bourne. Jango Fett: ARGH!!! [Jango Fett blows a hole in Jason Bourne's chest with a blaster gun. Jason Bourne, with that secret agent instinct, grabs a letter opener off of Skinner's desk and decapitates Jango Fett.] Jason Bourne: Take that whoever you are! [Looks at the hole in his chest] Hey, how did that get there? [He falls to the ground dead. Jack Ryan wakes from a pool of his own vomit next to a dead hooker and looks around.] Jack Ryan: What's going on? Sydney Bristow: I had just told everyone my origin and life story… Jack Ryan: Uh-huh. Sydney Bristow: When a LOLA squad called the ANUS brigade burst into the office. Serleena from Men in Black II struck first, her deadly tentacles grabbing Timothy Dalton and crushing him until he shit his pants and died… Jack Ryan: Un-huh Sydney Bristow: And then Charlie and Scard jumped into a flaming shopping cart after rubbing themselves down with manure… [In another corner of the office, Jack Bauer is facing off against Silik. A clock at the bottom of the screen reads "12:01 - You have Twenty Seconds to call in and claim your prize!"] Jack Bauer: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY DAUGHTER!!!??? Silik: Please, Jack… Jack Bauer: [shutters] Silik: …you can't possibly defeat me. I have help from a man from the far future… he tells me everything that's going to happen to me. Hmmm… what was it he was saying this morning? [Ripple dissolve to a flashback. Silik is in the temporal chamber talking to Future Guy!] Future Guy: Silik, it's very important that you listen to me. Silik: No, no, no… Let me keep guessing… You're a Romulan, right? Future Guy: Silik, I have to tell you… Silik: You're a Borg? Captain Picard? Captain Kirk? Ambassador Soval? Future Guy: You must be warned that… Silik: Oh, you know what would really rock? If you were, like, Captain Archer in the future and shit, only you're all old and bitter! Future Guy: You're going to be… Silik: Or ever better yet, PORTHOS!!! Future Guy: All right. Fuck you. Get shot. I don't care. [Ripple dissolve to the fight.] Silik: Get shot? I wonder what he meant by… BANG!!! Jack Bauer blows Silik's head off. A clock at the bottom of the screen counts down. "NEXT DEATH IN 5… 4… 3… 2… 1…" [Serleena's tentacles lash out, grab Jack Bauer, and crush him until his head pops like a tomato in a microwave oven. Blood gets in Scully's eyes. Serleena holds up Jack Bauer's body and prepares to eat him.] Scully: GAH! I CAN'T SEE! I'M BLIND!!! Reyes: We've got to do something about Serleena and then that little Boba Fett kid! Scully: Boba Fett? Boba Fett? Where? [Scully turns around and bumps into Boba Fett who was about to kill Skinner, activating his jet packs and sending him into the wall. He then falls into Serleena's mouth.] Boba Fett: [looks at camera] Aw, shit! Not again! [He is eaten.] [Meanwhile, xXx, Charlie, and Scard are going down the highway at about 110 miles per hour in the flaming shopping cart. They hit a ramp and fly over ten school buses and a pool of sharks. They fly in front of the moon like ET: The Extraterrestrial.] [Back at Skinner's office…] Sydney Bristow: And then Jango Fett said, "Who are you" and Jason Bourne said, "I don't know, do you?" and Jango Fett said, "You're Jason Bourne" and Jason Bourne said, "Who?" and Jango Fett said, "You!" and Jason Bourne said, "What about me?" and Jango Fett said… [Next to her, Jack Ryan swings dead on a noose having put himself out of his misery from listening to Sydney Bristow's recap of everything.] Serleena turns around and points at Scully, Reyes, Doggett, and Skinner.] Serleena: And now it's your turn, you little… WHAT THE FUCK!? [CRASH!!! The flaming supermarket cart crashes through the window with XXX and Charlie and Scard inside. They crash into Serleena and explode taking out half the building, killing them all, and splattering little bits of Serleena, Charlie, and xXx all over the place. Doggett, Skinner, Reyes, and Scully climb out from behind a desk and look around the ruined office. The see Sydney Bristow still talking, but she has a metal bar impaling her brain.] Sydney Bristow: …and then Serleena said, "And now it's your turn, you little… WHAT THE FUCK!?" and then the flaming shopping cart crashed back into the building with XXX, Charlie, and Scard inside. They crashed into Serleena and then there was an explosion that destroyed half the building, but also destroyed the remaining ANUS members as well. I, unfortunately, was struck in the head by a metal bar and died. [She falls to the ground dead.] Anthony Hopkins: [dusts himself off] Well, that went rather well. [Anthony Hopkins leaves. Dogget, Scully, Reyes, and Skinner look at each other.] Skinner: Right, so where were we? Doggett: Excuse me, can I just make a teensy point here? Reyes: I've seen your teensy point. When did you need permission to make one? Doggett: Throughout this whole day, we've been doing nothing but running around with our heads jammed up our asses when we should be mounting an assault on Doctor Evil's headquarters! Skinner: That's just what I was thinking. In fact, I was about to introduce you to our mole. Scully: A mole!? We've been trying to get a mole into Doctor Evil's hideout for years! [The Mole walks out.] Scully: So you're the… [She sees the big hairy mole on his face.] Scully: [hypnotized, she points] Mooooooooooooole. [They stare.] Skinner: The Mole knows all about Doctor Evil's nefarious plans. The Mole: That's right. I know everything he's planning. Reyes: Well then, out with it! Scully: Yeah, tell us about the mole thing. WHOLE thing, I mean. I didn't mean to say mole. Shit, I just said mole again. The Mole: Doctor Evil has created an evil monster made out of the genetic material of Reapers, Ghosts of Mars, and the Resident Evil zombies. Reyes: Such a creature would be horrible if it ever got loose, there wouldn't be anything we could do to stop it. Scully: Short of hiding in a deep dark mole… HOLE! I mean, hole! Skinner: Then it's settled, The Mole will tell you where to find Doctor Evil's hideout. Go there and stop him! Scully: Mole! Doggett: Not to worry, Skinner, we'll handle this. Scully: MOLE! Reyes: That's right, Doctor Evil will never win! Scully: mmmmmmmmmmmmmMMMMMMMMMOLEY! MOLEY! MOLEY! MOLEY! MOLEY! MOLEY! Skinner: Perhaps you'd better get going. Scully: Uh, right… Let's mole. GO! The Mole: Look, I understand how distracting my mole is and that, in fact, I AM a mole. Why don't you just get it out of your system? Scully: I can't! The Mole: It'll make you feel better. Scully: I just can't. The Mole: Really, I don't mi— Scully: HOLY SHIT, LOOK AT THAT BIG FUCKING MOLE! I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO SAY MOLE AS IT WOULD DRAW ATTENTION TO THAT MOLE ON THE MOLE BUT THERE'S THE MOLE! IT'S A MOLE! IT'S A BIG MOLE AND IT'S GOT HAIRS IN IT AND IT'S HUGE AND IT'S UGLY AND IT'S A MOLE. WHOOP, THERE IT IS! DO YOU SEE WHAT I SEE, IT'S A MOLEY MOLE! MOLE! MOLE! MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLE!!! The Mole: There, you see? You feel better. [Scully starts prodding the mole on the mole with a stick.] The Mole: [adult voiceover like on "The Wonder Years"] It was then that I found out that the mole had to go. Yep, tomorrow I was going to get over my fear of doctor and visit the plastic surgeon. Unfortunately, I found out later that Doctor Giggles had been tragically killed and I had to live with my disfigurement until the day I died. Skinner: [to Scully and others] GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!!! [Scully, Reyes, and Doggett run out the door.] The Mole: Thanks… That was getting irritating. Skinner: Don't mention it. The Mole: I… WHOA!!! [The Mole sees Skinner's bald head.] The Mole: Baaaaaaaaaaaaaald. Skinner: What's that? The Mole: Oh, nothing, I thought someone bald my name. CALLED my name, I mean. [Scully, Doggett, and Reyes walk out of FBI Headquarters. Across the street, Rusty Nail, The Creeper, Cruela DeVil, and The Green Goblin are waiting in Rusty Nail's Mack truck.] Green Goblin: Hey, where do you keep getting these trucks from, anyway? Rusty Nail: Autobytell.com. [a beat] There goes Anita, my love! The Creeper: There goes my new pair of eyes, hands, testicles, and boobs! Cruela DeVil: There goes my ticket to puppy pelts! Green Goblin: There goes my burrito. [Everyone looks at the Green Goblin in confusion. The Green Goblin cuts a loud fart sending everyone to the doors coughing as the Goblin laughs maniacally. In the confusion, Scully, Doggett, and Reyes walk by. Doggett is smoking a cigarette.] Scully: Hey, put that out! Doggett: Sorry. [Doggett throws the cigarette over his shoulder. It lands in Rusty Nail's truck in the Green Goblin's lap.] Green Golblin: What the…? [KER-BLAM!!! Rusty Nail's truck explodes. The Green Goblin falls out the air landing next to Rusty Nail, Cruella DeVil, and The Creeper.] Green Goblin: Ouch. [Doggett, Scully, and Reyes are walking down the street when that chick from Swimfan trips in front of them. Doggett catches her and helps her up.] Swimfan: Oh my God! You saved my life! Doggett: Yes, it's nice for once not to be the cause of a death. Well, see ya! [Swimfan watches Doggett walk down the street and get into a car. She licks her lips.] [Meanwhile, Rusty Nail, Cruella DeVil, The Green Goblin, and The Creeper are sitting on a curb looking depressed.] Rusty Nail: You know, I've been thinking… Maybe petty vengeance shouldn't be the driving force of my life anymore. I mean, look at me! I'm a 43-year-old virgin who drives a truck listening to Tom Petty all day! Why should I even bother following those three anymore? [Swimfan runs up to them.] Swimfan: I need to catch up with that car and I'll blow the first person who gives me a ride! Rusty Nail: Hop in, baby! [MEANWHILE, AT DOCTOR EVIL'S SECRET UNDERWATER BASE!!!] [Fat Bastard and Mariah Carrey are growling at each other.] Fat Bastard: I WANT THE LAST PORK CHOP!!! Mariah Carrey: Hissssssssssssssssssssssss!!! Fat Bastard: YOU'VE ALREADY HAD THIRTY OF THEM! NOW, GIMMIE!!! Mariah Carrey: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaargh!!! [Mariah Carrey eats it.] Fat Bastard: You skinney wank rag! I'm gonna KILL YOU!!! Doctor Evil: No, Fat Bastard! Don't provoke her! Fat Bastard: Ooooooo, now I'm so pissed off I gotta kill something! Doctor Evil: In that case, go to Washington DC and kill Scully and her friends. Fat Bastard: You're sending me alone? Doctor Evil: No, I shall send you with a new batch of LOLA recruits! Number Two, if you would? Number Two: Of course, Doctor Evil. From the movie, "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back," this is Cocknocker. Scott Evil: Why the hell do they call him Cocknocker? [WHAM! Cocknocker hits Scott in the crotch. Scott goes down coughing.] Doctor Evil: So much for Grandchildren. [Goldmember enters.] Doctor Evil: Ah, Goldmember… You're just in time. This is our new LOLA recruit, Cocknocker. Goldmember: But vhy do dey call him Cocknocker? [Cocknocker hits Goldmember in the crotch. There is a resonating clang and Cocknocker shakes his hand furiously.] Cocknocker: Ow! Foiled by a golden John Thomas! Goldmember: Ah, that gives me such joy. Number Two: From the movie "Queen of the Damned," this is Akasha. [Akasha walks through the door in a slithering dance of seduction. She slithers over to Goldmember, knocks him down behind a table, and begins to make wild monkey love to him.] Akasha: I love gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooold!!! Scott Evil: Great. Maybe that one can hump them to death. Number Two: From "24", this is Dennis Hopper. [Dennis Hopper walks out. A little clock appears on scene that reads: "Dr. Pepper at 10, 3, and 6!"] Dennis Hopper from "24": What a bunch of loosers. I'm not a LOLA! I'm a GOOD villain! And hey, cheese tits, I saw "Glitter" and you owe me ten bucks and about four grand for emotional damage! Mariah Carrey: ROAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!!! [Mariah Carrey tears Dennis Hopper from "24" apart with her bare hands. In is place is King Koopa from the "Super Mario Brothers" movie (also played by Dennis Hopper.] King Koopa: Ah, so that's how it's going to be? Number Two: From the Harry Potter series, it's Professor Snape. [Alan Rickman as "Professor Snape" enters.] Professor Snape: E-Excuse me, but I think there's been an error. I wasn't the bad guy in Harry Potter. Doctor Evil: Don't be silly! You're the bad guy in every movie you've been in! Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, Die Hard, and Galaxy Quest! Professor Snape: But I wasn't the bad guy in… Doctor Evil: Shhhhh! Professor Snape: But I… Doctor Evil: Shhhhh! Scott Evil: You're such an ass. Doctor Evil: Shhhh! Scott: It. [a beat] Doctor Evil: Shh! Scott Evil: It. Doctor Evil: Shh! Scott Evil: It. I can keep this up all day. Doctor Evil: You evil little bastard. I've never been so proud. [To Fat Bastard and LOLAs] Now, FLY MY PRETTIES!!! FLY! FLY! FLY! [The new LOLAs run out the door. Akasha gets up from behind the table. He mouth is covered in gold dust. She runs after the others.] [LATER, at the airport…] Fat Bastard: Whaddya mean I have tah buy another seat!? Stewardess: It's Southwest Airlines policy that oversized people who take up more than one seat have to buy an additional seat. Fat Bastard: But that's no fair! [Emotional music begins to play. He begins to cry] I'm a human being just like you… just like every thin person in this country! Deep inside me, a heart beats true. Sure, you may look at me and see extra money because I'm morbidly fat, but when I look at you… I see a small person and that makes me sad. It makes me sad that you can't see inner beauty… the inner beauty in us all. [Pppppppppppfffffffffffffffffftttttttttttttttttt!] Fat Bastard: Sorry. I farted. [Fat Bastard turns around.] Fat Bastard: Awright, ye buggers. Roll call! I already know some of ye! Cockknocker! Akasha! King Koopa! Mugatu! Snape! Fall in! Professor Snape: Why am I here? I wasn't even a villain! Fat Bastard: Ah, shut yer gob! We have some new LOLA's that're to meet us here! [Holtz from "Angel" and Mojo Jojo from the "Powerpuff Girls" walk up.] Fat Bastard: What in the hell do ye two do? Holtz: I talk in a raspy voice while looming ominously. [Fat Bastard takes a couple steps back] Fat Bastard: Aye, that ye do. And what about you, wee one? Mojo Jojo: I am MOJO JOJO! I am a mighty super villain! That is the mightiest super villain there is, which is me, MOJO JOJO! I, Mojo Jojo will join with your cause, LOLA which if fact, makes me LOLA MOJO JOJO! Fat Bastard: Ah, shut yer yap already! Let's get on the plane! [They walk through the security screeners with dozens of guns and stuff and aren't even looked at. Right after them, an old Middle Eastern woman tries to go through and is tackled by the security guards and hit repeatedly with stun guns.] [Fat Bastard and his LOLA troops get on the plane and take off. Meanwhile… Scully, Doggett and Reyes are driving.] Scully: Dogett… Where are we going? Doggett: We're going to Dr. Evil's secret undersea lair! Reyes: Yeah, Scully! Get with the program! Scully: Retards. Can I call you retards? Reyes: Well, only my friends call me retard. Scully: Great. How, pray tell, can we drive to an undersea lair? [There's a long pause as Doggett, Scully and Reyes look at one another.] Scully: YOU CAN'T DRIVE UNDER WATER, JACKASSES! [Doggett hits the brakes before the car goes off a pier. They get out of the car.] Scully: We need a boat to get us to Dr. Evil's! [Scully looks at a couple boats in the harbor. She looks at one that says "Titanic".] Scully: Nah. [She looks at one that says "Enterprise".] Scully: Nope. [She looks at one that says "Orca".] Scully: Hell no. [She looks at a the tug boat from "Charlie's Angels" that has Tom Green behind the wheel.] Scully: That's the one! [Minutes later. The tug boat is sailing along. Tom Green has a big smile on his face. Reyes is wiping her mouth. Scully is looking at Reyes with a disgusted look.] Scully: My god… you are such a cheap moron. Reyes: You're right. I should have used him to get me a role in Charlie's Angel's 3. Tom Green: The Chad is thankful for you lovely Monica! [Scully shakes her head. Meanwhile, back at the harbor… Rusty Nail, The Creeper, Cruella DeVil, The Green Goblin and the SwimFan are driving up to the harbor.] Rusty Nail: There they are! On that boat! Creeper: Get 'em! Rusty Nail: They won't outrun me this time!!! Green Goblin: Put it in high gear! Swimfan: I have two boobies! Creeper: You only have two? Cruella: Um… can this thing drive under water? [Rusty Nail's truck drives off the pier into the ocean. Bubbles float to the top of the water until all is quiet. Meanwhile, on the LOLA's flight…] Fat Bastard: Aye, stewardess! I'd like some peanuts! And not the kind ye find in yer crap! [The stewardess throws a deluxe bag of peanuts at Fat Bastard.] Holtz: [Raspy voice] I would like some peanuts too. [The stewardess screams and runs for the emergency hatch, opens it and jumps out. Holtz looks over at Mugatu.] Holtz: Why does that always happen when I talk? Mugatu: AAAHHHH!!! [Mugatu gets up and runs off, diving out the hatch as well.] Fat Bastard: Holy shitte! Mugatu is dead! Mugatu: [From outside the plane] No! No! I'm still alive! I'm just very badly hurt! I landed on the wing, but I think I broke my legs and I'm holding on for dear life! Let… let me see if I can walk on the wing! [We hear two crunches.] Mugatu: [From outside the plane] Auuuuggghh!! Yes! Yes, they're both broken! And… I appear to be slipping off the wing and sliding towards one of the engines! [We hear a grinding noise from the engine.] Snape: GOOD LORD! He was just ground up in the engines!!! Mugatu: [From outside the plane] No… I'm still alive! I'm just missing the lower half of my torso. If someone could climb out onto the wing and help me back in, I'm sure I'd be okay! [Cockknocker gets up and goes over to the hatch. He closes the door and goes back to his seat.] Mugatu: [From outside the plane] Anyone? Anyone? I think I'm slipping off the plane! [We hear Mugatu fall off the plane.] Mugatu: [From outside the plane] No… I'm alive! I've managed to cling on to the landing gear, but I have no idea how long I'll be able to hold on! [In the cockpit… the pilots are having some trouble.] Pilot #1: There seems to be something clogging the engines! They're not working! Pilot #2: And we can't bring the landing gear up! Something's wrong! Pilot #1: We're already heavy enough as it is! We're going down! Pilot #2: [Grabs intercom] Everyone assume crash positions! [Back in the cabin…] Akasha: [Wiping off make-up] Aw, screw this! I'm not going through this again! Donner! Glaspey! Write me out of this parody or you'll have a lawsuit on your hands! [A giant pencil comes on-screen and erases Akasha. It then replaces her with Saruman from "The Lord Of The Rings".] Saruman: What the??? [The plane goes down. Meanwhile… back at Dr. Evil's… Number Two: Dr. Evil. We have bad news! Our radars have picked up a boat coming near our location! It's Scully and those two nimrods that hang out with her! And our plane full of LOLA's has gone down! Goldmember: It zeems as if they haff gone down in a blaze of glory… Bon Jovi… Dr. Evil: Dammit! Can't anything go frickin' right! Scott: Not in these parodies, they won't. Dr. Evil: Here's the plan! Mariah will stay here to protect us! [A pause.] Dr. Evil: Where is Mariah? [Dr. Evil looks over at Mariah, Mini-Me is humping one of her legs, Lex Luthor is humping the other. Dr. Evil pulls out a spray bottle and sprays water at them. They stop.] Scott: [To Lex] What the hell is wrong with you? Why are you trying to be like the vanilla midget? Lex: Because, man! I can't take it anymore! I'm supposed to be evil and instead, all I do is argue with my dad and get involved in wacky adventures with a moron from another planet trying to stop psychos from killing his buddies or me! Do you know what kind of hell it is on "Smallville"? Working on a cheesy schlock sci- fi/horror teen melodrama week in and week out? [Scott and Lex look at one another, then look at the camera, then back at each other.] Lex: I want to take Mini-Me's place for job security! Working as a henchman for a maniacal madman will be relaxing and safe! [Michael Myers from "Halloween" barges in and stabs Lex repeatedly, killing him. Mini-me then runs up to Lex's corpse and starts kicking it and giving it the finger.] Scott: HOLY CRAP! Dr. Evil: Ah! Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce the newest member of LOLA, star of "Halloween: Resurrection": Michael Myers! Number Two: Dr. Evil, do you really think that Scully and those two ass-twits pose enough of a threat that you need to be protected by a freakish Mariah Carey and Michael Myers? Dr. Evil: No Number Two, I have a lot more in store for our favorite FBI agents! And it's being released as we speak! Ha ha ha ha ha! [The group starts laughing maniacally. We see some thing ejected from Dr. Evil's sub. It starts growing and is heading to the surface.] ======================================================================= COMMERCIAL BREAK This is Johnny. This is Johnny's big bag of pot. This is Johnny's dealer. This is Johnny's dealer's cartel. This is the family who was shot and poisoned and stabbed and burnt and murdered and kicked down an elevator shaft by Johnny's dealer's cartel. You know what? Johnny doesn't care, because he has the big bag of pot to keep him smiling. This announcement was paid for by people that like to meddle. ======================================================================= [In their boat, Scully, Doggett and Reyes are getting ready to dive underwater.] Doggett: Man, are we lucky that we brought these scuba tanks. Scully, where did you get the money for these? Scully: Well, I only had the money for two tanks. Reyes' tank is filled with helium. [Reyes inhales off her tank as the boat is shaken by something.] Reyes: [high pitched voice] Anyone feel that? [Scully and Doggett are laughing hysterically when there's another rumbling. Something breaks the surface of the water in front of the tugboat. It's the giant blob thing from the end of "Evolution"] Scully: Holy CRAP! [The creature grabs Tom Green.] Tom Green: The Chad is hurting! [The creature kills Tom Green.] Scully: Thank god! Reyes: How the hell do we kill that thing? Scully: As I recall, they used Head & Shoulders to kill the thing in the movie! Reyes: Where do we get Head & Shoulders? [Doggett hands them a big bottle of Head & Shoulders.] Scully: Where the hell did you get this? Doggett: I use it to masturbate. [A long, awkward pause.] Doggett: I should have kept that fact to myself. Scully: I agree. [Scully throws the bottle at the creature, blowing it up and sending blob goo all over the ocean, polluting the eco-system for ages. Several chunks float down to the bottom of the sea, to Atlantis, killing Aquaman, Namor and any other shitty superhero that comes from the water and talks to fucking fish.] Scully: Well, that was easy! Now we just dive down and invade Dr. Evil's submarine lair! [An explosion is heard and a cannonball whizzes by Scully, Doggett and Reyes. They turn to see Mojo Jojo, Holtz, Snape, Saruman and Dennis Hopper (Now in his role of the villain from "Waterworld") all piled on Fat Bastard's back as he floats in the water with Cockknocker's large hand paddling for him.] Fat Bastard: Aye! Ship ahoy! Prepare to be invaded! Scully: [Looking at the LOLA members on a floating Fat Bastard] Hey, how did they fire a cannonball at us when don't have a cannon? [Another cannonball is fired from Fat Bastard's ass.] Scully: Why did I ask? [BLAM! A cannonball hits the ship and it begins to sink. Scully, Reyes, and Doggett climb onto the ship's bow as it begins to sink into the ocean.] Reyes: John, this is where we first met! Doggett: Just hold onto me, Monica. It'll all be over soon. Scully: Hey, dicklicks. [Reyes and Doggett look over at Scully who is holding her oxygen tank and regulator giving them a, "you two are a couple of stupid bastards" look.] Doggett: Oh… [They put on their regulators just as the boat goes under.] Fat Bastard: Looks like we killed them! Professor Snape: And now that we've done that, I'm out of here. Cocknocker: Why? I mean, you can't just quit the LOLAs! What kind of a villain are you!? Professor Snape: I'm NOT a villain, you stupid pecker-puncher! Just because one has a reputation of playing villains does not mean that they are a villain all the time. I've never killed anyone! [He makes a dramatic gesture, accidentally knocking Dennis Hopper from "Waterworld" into the water where he sinks to the bottom.] Professor Snape: Not counting that guy. [Everyone looks at him.] Professor Snape: Oh, fuck you guys! I'm out of here! [Professor Snape jumps into the water and starts to swim for it. One of the sharks from Deep Blue Sea starts chasing him.] Professor Snape: Oh, SHIT!!! [Professor Snape begins to swim even faster. Both he and the shark disappears over the horizon.] [MEANWHILE, IN DOCTOR EVIL'S SECRET UNDERWATER BASE…] [Doctor Evil, Mini-Me, Maxi-Me, Scott, Frau, Number Two, and Goldmember are in a meeting.] Doctor Evil: Good news! I have heard from our corpulent comrade, Fat Bastard, that our troublesome trio have been eliminated. Goldmember: Ah, good… But, vhat about Scully and her friends? [a beat] Doctor Evil: I was TALKING about Scully and her friends, you Dutch Dipshit. Scott Evil: They're not dead. Doctor Evil: And why, pray tell, do you say that? Scott Evil: The good guys are never really dead. I mean, yeah… you might think that they are, but they never really are. [a beat, everyone looks at Scott.] Maxi-Me: I have a pee-pee. Doctor Evil: Oh, so now you're telling me that the laws of reality are just going to go all hibbity-dibbity because you say they should? Scott Evil: It's not like that at all, all I'm saying is that they're probably not dead. They're going to lie in wait until we least expect it and then they're going to jump out and fuck up whatever lame ass plan you have cooked up. I mean, let's face it… no one who dies off screen in these stories is ever really dead. Doctor Evil: Scott, that is, without a doubt, the biggest load I've ever heard. [Meanwhile, Rusty Nail's Mack Truck drives along the bottom of the ocean. Inside, Rusty Nail, Cruella DeVil, The Creeper, The Green Goblin, and Swimfan are seated. Dennis Hopper from "Speed" is sitting behind them.] Dennis Hopper from "Speed": Pop quiz, hot shot! There's a bomb on the truck. If the truck hits 50 then the bomb is armed. If the truck drops under 50, the bomb goes off. What do you do? What… do… you… do? [a beat] Rusty Nail: No sweat… we're underwater in a Mack Truck. There's no way that we'll ever reach 50 in the first place and so the bomb will never be armed. [a beat] Dennis Hopper from "Speed": I… [a beat] It… [a beat] You… [a beat, he starts to cry] [Meanwhile, back in Doctor Evil's top secret underwater base, FAT BASTARD is sitting on a toilet singing to himself.] FAT BASTARD: On top of spaghetti all covered with… uuuuuuuungh! (plop!) …cheese. [Fat Bastard gets up and walks out. After a couple of seconds, Scully, then Doggett, and then Reyes climb out of the toilet wearing diving gear.] Scully: It's a good thing that we found that underwater pipe that led us into Doctor Evil's Secret Underwater Base! Doggett: And an equally good thing that Fat Bastard's custom made oversized toilet was large enough for us to get inside. Reyes: [High pitched voice] And, it's also a good thing that if we get hungry, there's plenty of corn in there! I mean, look at that! It's like twenty uncooked pans of Jiffy Pop in there! Scully: More like Jiffy Poop. Doggett: Hey, weren't we supposed to get backup here or something? Scully: Shit, you're right! We're here all by ourselves! [takes out a walkie talkie] Skinner, skinner! Can you hear me!? Where's our backup! [Skinner is on a boat. Shit is blowing up left and right.] Skinner: I don't know where you back-up is, Scully! Besides, I've got problems of my own! I was on my way to your location when we were attacked by the robots from Virus, the monster from Deep Rising, and the iceburg from Titanic! I don't know how much longer we'll be able to… Oh, SHIT!!! [BLAM! The boat explodes sending Skinner flying into the water.] Scully: Skinner? Skinner? Doggett: What happened? Scully: He got killed… That COWARD!!! Reyes: We're supposed to take over the base ourselves? Scully: It would seem that way. We're on our own. VOICE: No, you're not on your own! [Mulder steps out of the shadows] Scully: Mulder! Mulder: I've been waiting for you. Sorry about the whole hiding thing, but I'm here now! Doggett: Whoa, whoa… You mean to tell me that you were hiding here watching Fat Bastard was taking a shit? That's sick! Mulder: Maybe, but at least I didn't crawl out of it. Doggett: Touché. Mulder: Now that you're here, I can finally tell you that I have a plan that will bring down LOLA once and for all. It's a perfect plan that took months to prepare and was planned by the world's top military and strategic leaders. It's foolproof. [BLAM! A wall explodes and Holtz, Cocknocker, Mojo Jojo, Doctor Evil, Fat Bastard, Mini-Me, and Maxi-Me are standing there.] Fat Bastard: I THOUGHT someone was watching me take a tom-tit! You sick pervert! Doctor Evil: Well, it looks like I didn't have to find and destroy you four when it seems you four have found me. Mulder: I'm not going down without a fight, Doctor Evil! [Mulder tosses a grenade. Maxi-Me picks it up and puts it in his mouth.] Maxi-Me: Ow… It tastes like burning! [KER-BLAM! Maxi-Me's head explodes and his gigantic body falls to the ground.] Doctor Evil: Maxi-Me! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! The picture fades out. Doctor Evil steps in front of a black backdrop. Doctor Evil: Let's look back now at some of the laughs and tears we shared with our special friend, Maxi-Me. [Garth Brooks' "The Dance" begins to play over several pictures of Maxi-Me running through a field with a bunch of balloons, Maxi-Me at the circus, Maxi-Me sitting on a potty, Maxi-Me crushing the thing from "Brotherhood of the Wolf", and finally, Maxi-Me walking down a road into the sunset. A caption reads: "Maxi Me: 2002-2002, A load of lost gags and missed opportunities."] [LATER, in DOCTOR EVIL'S SECRET UNDERWATER BASE! Doctor Evil, Scott Evil, Frau Farbissina, Alotta Fagina, Fat Bastard, Goldmember, Mini-Me, Mojo Jojo, Cocknocker, Holtz, Sauuman, Michael Myers, and Mariah Carrey are sitting at the conference table. Akasha from "Queen of the Damned" walks in.] Doctor Evil: Akasha! Welcome back! You're just in time to meet our new LOLA members, even though we have the fearsome foursome in custody and probably don't need them anymore. Scott Evil: Yeah, like they'd be any use to us otherwise. Doctor Evil: From the movie, Alien Resurrection it's the White Alien! [The white alien walks out and hugs Doctor Evil] Doctor Evil: He's so cute! He's… [The white alien lets him go revealing that Doctor Evil is now covered with slimy goo.] Doctor Evil: Shit! This is just like the night I accidentally fell asleep at Richard Simmon's house! From the movie, FearDotCom, it's the FearDotCom website! [Alotta Fagina rolls out a computer with a website on it.] Doctor Evil: From Collateral Damage, it's THE JACKAL!!! [The Jackal walks out.] The Jackal: You are all stupid pig-faced Americans and I wish you all dead! Goldmember: I'm Dutch. The Jackal: That's not helping your case, pal. Doctor Evil: From "American Idol," it's evil English judge, SIMON COWELL!!! [Lighting flash. Simon Cowell enters in a puff of black smoke.] Simon Cowell: Your demeanor is stiff, your delivery was hacked, and you have no talent. I don't even know why you bother getting out of bed every morning without doing us all the favor of slashing your wrists. You are as brainless as a premature sheep born without a brain. Nothing would make me happier than you disappearing in a sinkhole right now where we may never be bothered by your pathetic existance. [Lighting flash.] Doctor Evil: Finally, from the movie Shrek, it's LORD FARQUAD!!! Number Two: Uh… Doctor Evil, about Lord Farquad. Doctor Evil: Yes, Number Two? Number Two: As you know, Lord Farquad is a computer generated characters and, as bad luck would have it, our only computer is tied with the FearDotCom website. Doctor Evil: Then what do we have? Number Two: A sock puppet. Doctor Evil: A sock puppet? [Number Two holds up a sock puppet] Number Two: [funny voice] Hello, Doctor Evil, I'm Lord Farquad! Doctor Evil: Is it an evil sock puppet? Number Two: [funny voice] Grrrrrrr! Very evil! Grar! Doctor Evil: All right. He will do. Anyone else? Number Two: The Neo-Nazis from "The Sum of All Fears" Frau Farbissina: Hey, I read that book and I thought that the bad guys were Middle Eastern terrorists! Number Two: Yeah, but we don't want to offend the godless terrorists by portraying them as bad guys, now do we? Doctor Evil: Ladies and gentlemen and such, may I present Agents Mulder, Scully, Doggett, and Reyes. [The Neo-Nazis roll in a tied up Mulder, Scully, Doggett, and Reyes into the room.] Doggett: Oh, great plan, Mulder. Mulder: Shut up, Dogshit. Doctor Evil: And now, I will take great pleasure in watching you all die. For a sense of irony, I will ask Michael Myers to do the honors. Michael, if you would? [Rusty Nail, Swimfan, Green Goblin, Cruella DeVil, and The Creeper run in!] Rusty Nail: Not so fast! Creeper: You can't kill them! Cruella DeVil: Because we want to! Green Goblin: Well, except for Swimfan. She want to fuck them and kill them. Swimfan: And not necessarily in that order. Dennis Hopper from "Meet the Deedles": You sick magnificent bitch! Doctor Evil: Well, you're in luck. We're going to kill them too. Wanna watch? Rusty Nail: Oh, hell yeah! I told you guys we should have answered that LOLA ad in Hustler! Cruella DeVil: Yeah, like you ever actually read anything in a Hustler. Doctor Evil: Myers, proceed. [Wordlessly, Michael Myers takes out a large knife and slowly walks towards the four FBI agents. He raises his knife above his head and prepares to stab down.] Doggett: Well, if we're going to die, I might as well confess! I'm queer! I mean it, I'm a flamer! I like-ah duh cock! Reyes: I cut the tag off of my mattress. Scully: I'm the one who pissed in your coffee every morning. Mulder: I thought that Full Frontal was actually a good script! All of Them: ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!! [Michael Myers stabs down with tremendous force. The four agents continue to scream until Scully finally opens her eyes.] Scully: Hey, we're alive! Mulder: And the rope's been cut! Doctor Evil: What the SHIT!!!??? Mulder: That must mean that…! [Michael Myers rips of his mask. A giant afro pops out and we see that he is really…] Everyone: UNDERCOVER BROTHER!!! Undercover Brother: Ow, I feel GOOD! Doctor Evil: Akasha! Destroy them! Akasha: I don't think so, suga'! Doctor Evil: Suga'? [Akasha rips of her mask revealing that she is really…] Everyone: FOXY CLEOPATRA!!! Foxy Cleopatra: You goin' down, Evil fool, 'cause I'm a WHOLE LOTTA woman! Doggett: Just like Oprah! BLAM! A wall is blown open and the JEDI COUNCIL enters. Yoda: To die, the time has come! Mace Windu: I've fuckin' gonna carve you up like a motherfuckin' Christmas turkey, bitch! And Obi-Wan, put some motherfuckin' clothes on! Obi-Wan: Sorry… I thought this was a different one of my movies. Are you ready Anikan? [There's a woodpecker pecking away at Anikan's head.] Scully: Hey, there's a woodpecker on your head! Anikan: He comes and goes. [The ROLLERBALL team skates in.] Rebecca Romjin-Stamos: You're going down, LOLA! Chris Klein: Yeah, a lot like I had to when the rest of the team raped me in the shower! L.L. Cool Jay: Word. [The Mystery Machine crashes through the wall and Mystery Inc. hops out.] Fred: I'm going to make you suffer more than everyone who went and saw "Summer Catch," Doctor Evil! Daphne: I haven't eaten anything in a month! I feel so beautiful! Velma: You look beautiful, sweet ass! Shaggy: Like, some girl on girl action would be sweet! Scooby: Reah! Ret's ree rum resbian raction! [The SPY KIDS drop down from the ceiling on ropes] Carmen: We're like real spies. Junie: Only smaller. Carmen: And dumber. Junie: And annoying. Carmen: But not as annoying as xXx. Junie: God no. [KER-BLAM! Another wall explodes and DARK WILLOW walks out.] Dark Willow: Are you ready to pay for what you have done? Oh, hey Oz! Scott Evil: Hey. Doctor Evil: Christ, we're going to run out of walls if this keeps up. [Spider-Man drops from the ceiling] Spider-Man: It's me, your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man! [Anthony Hopkins walks in, hitting the top of the door against Spider- Man's head with a resonating THONK!] Anthony Hopkins: And I, Hanni… I mean, the guy from "Hearts in Atlantis." Yeah, that's the ticket. Together, we are the Bunch of Allies Liberating Lives In Case of Killer Evil Raving Sycophants! Scott Evil: You're B.A.L.L.I.C.K.E.R.S? Fred: You'd better believe it buddy! Doctor Evil: Enough of this shit! LOLAs ATTACK! Mulder: GO GET 'EM, BALLICKERS! [LOLA and BALLICKERS charge at each other! An enormous battle commences with everyone jumping into the fray. It looks like the two sides are deadlocked.] ----------------------------------------------------------------------- COMMERCIAL BREAK From the makers of The Osbournes, comes a new reality sitcom! THE DAVID LEE ROTH SHOW! David Lee Roth: Hey man, can I borrow a dollar for a bit to eat? Please? I swear I won't buy any drugs! Please? I haven't eaten in years! GOD KILL ME PLEASE! AUUUHHHGGGHHHH!!!! THE DAVID LEE ROTH SHOW! Only on E! Where misery loves a timeslot! ----------------------------------------------------------------------- [L.O.L.A. and The B.A.L.L.I.C.K.E.R.S. are attacking one another!] Scully: Holy damn! It's all hitting the fan, Mulder! They're all going to get us killed! Mulder: We have other things to worry about! [Saruman is standing if front of Dark Willow.] Saruman: My power comes to me from ties to the dark lord Sauron, from the hills of Mount Doom to the tower of Barador to the tower of Orfec. All shall fear my power! Orcs, humans, elves, hobbits… Dark Willow: [Sighs] Bored now. Saruman: I shall defeat you with the darkest magicks the world has ever seen! [Saruman walks up to Dark Willow] Saruman: [Holds up a deck of cards] Pick a card. Any card! [Dark Willow takes a card.] Saruman: Is it an ace of clubs? Dark Willow: Nope. Saruman: What? Dammit! Try it again. [Dark Willow takes another card.] Saruman: How about now? Dark Willow: Nope. Saruman: GODDAMMIT! TAKE ANOTHER ONE! Dark Willow: [Takes another one] Okay… Saruman: Now? Dark Willow: Nope. Saruman: GAH! I don't understand why you didn't get the ace of clubs! Dark Willow: Actually, I did the first time. I just lied. Saruman: EVIL BITCH! [Points at Dark Willow] EVIL! EVIL! IMPOLITE AND EVIL! Dark Willow: Now it's my turn! Here's something you'll really enjoy! [Pulls up sleeves] Nothing up my sleeves! [Dark Willow pulls out a top hat. She reaches into it and pulls out a rabbit.] Saruman: A rabbit! Ha! That will hardly be enough to stop… [The rabbit flies forward and starts attacking Saruman.] Saruman: AAAUUUGGGHHHH!!! [The rabbit kills Saruman. Meanwhile, Mojo Jojo and Yoda are fighting, Mystery Inc. is watching.] Shaggy: Like, we gotta help the Jedi master, man! Fred: And how are we going to do that, you tool? Shaggy: Hey, who made you the boss? Last time I checked, I don't listen to some dick in a neckerchief! Fred: Shut the fuck up you dope fiend before we feed you to the fuckin' dog! Daphne: So… hungry… wasting… away… [Passes out] Velma: That's it, I know how to help Yoda! [Velma runs over to the feardotcom website and starts hacking into the computer. She's working on it when Scooby Doo farts on the computer. It starts shorting out and it explodes.] Velma: Ghaah! You idiot! I was trying to change the animation programs to make Mojo smaller and Yoda bigger! Now look what you've done! [We see a cartoony Yoda with a large hat on his head and really big eyes.] Mojo Yoda: MOJO YODA I am, jedi alive the most powerful, that is Mojo Yoda… me! Velma: Aw, screw it… I'm outta here. Where's that Willow chick? Dark Willow: Hi! Velma: Wanna go gay it up somewhere? Dark Willow: Sure! One time, at band camp… [Velma and Dark Willow leave. Meanwhile, Spider-Man is beating up The Jackal.] Green Goblin: Ohh… Spider-Man! Up here! [Spider-Man looks up and sees The Green Goblin on a catwalk with a stack of papers in one hand and The Swimfan in the other.] Green Goblin: In one hand I hold an innocent teenage girl! Spider-Man: Innocent in what country? Canada? Green Goblin: Do you mind? In the other hand, I have a stack of contracts for roles in Spider-Man 2 signed by A-List actors! Which one will you save? [The Green Goblin lets them both go. Spidey dives for them as that annoying "Hero" song starts playing.] Mulder: Where is that music coming from? Scully: Over there. [Scully points off to the side where we see Chad Kroeger and Josey Scott playing. They're immediately eaten by the white alien from "Alien: Resurrection". Meanwhile, Spider-Man has grabbed both the papers and the Swimfan. He's hanging upside down as he sets her down.] Swimfan: Why, thank you Spider-Man! Do I get to say thank you this time? [She leans in for a kiss, but Spider-Man backs away.] Spider-Man: WHOA, WHOA, WHOA THERE, SWIMFREAK! Spider-Senses… tingling! Warning me of venereal diseases! Green Goblin: It's not fair! You grabbed both of them! Spider-Man: What'd you expect? You threw a bimbo and a stack of papers! What are you, retarded? You dress like a power ranger and you throw pumpkins! At least Venom just tries to eat my brains! And what's with you and throwing girls off high objects? Green Goblin: I… have family issues. Spider-Man: [Holds up a Kleenex] If you have a family issue, here's a family tissue! Green Goblin: SCREW YOU! [Green Goblin gets on his Goblin Glider and takes off. Meanwhile, the other Jedi Knights are fighting the other Neo-Nazis. Anakin, Obi-Wan and Mace Windu are hacking them up left and right. The Rollerball Team sees this.] LL Cool J: Damn, homies! We gotta help the Jedi Council! Chris Klein: Lets rollerblade over there and help! Rebecca Romijn-Stamos: I like rainbows! [The Rollerball team skates over into the fray, unfortunately, they end up skating out of control due to all the blood and urine spilled by the Neo-Nazis. They skate right into the path of a rampaging Mace Windu. He hacks their heads off immediately.] Mace Windu: Lightsabers! When you absolutely, positively got to kill every motherfucker in the room. Accept no substitutes! [One head flies into the air and smacks into The Green Goblin. He falls off his Goblin Glider and slams into the ground. He shakes his head and marvels that he's still alive. The Goblin Glider then comes crashing down impaling him through the crotch.] Green Goblin: AIIIIEEEEEEE!!! [Looks at the camera] Oh no… not again! [He dies] [Meanwhile, there's the hiss of another lightsaber being turned on. Mace Windu turns around and sees Cocknocker holding a lightsaber. Anakin runs over to Cocknocker, but he easily sidesteps him and hacks off Anakin's arm. Sawdust from the wound flies everywhere.] Cocknocker: Never fuck with a Jedi Master, son! Anakin: Technically, shouldn't I be calling YOU "son"? Cocknocker: SEMANTICS! [Cocknocker and the Jedi's face off. Meanwhile, Carmen and Junie are fighting Dennis Hopper's character from "Space Truckers".] Dennis Hopper from "Space Truckers": You kids have no chance of winning! [Thunk! Dennis Hopper looks down to see an arrow sticking out of his chest. He falls down dead for us to see that Holtz from "Angel" is standing behind him.] Dennis Hopper from "Space Truckers": Why, Holtz? Why? You're one of us! Holtz: I will not see any harm come to these children! I will raise them… as my own! Carmen: What? Wait! We already have family! Holtz: NO BACKTALKING! Carmen: Yes, sir. Holtz: [To Junie] I shall name you "Steven"… [To Carmen] And I will name you "Gummo". Junie… Um… I mean "Steven": Ha ha! You got a stupid name! Holtz: Now, we must leave. [Opens a hell dimension] Whoops! Opened a hole to Quar'toth! Carmen/Gummo: What the hell? You really expect us to go be raised by you in a hell dimension? Holtz: I'll buy you a pony. Carmen: Last one in is a rotten egg! [Holtz, Stephen and Gummo leap through the portal. It closes. Mulder and Scully are hiding under a table while the battle rages on.] Scully: Mulder! This is insane! All this bloodshed, murder and all these really bad gay and lesbian jokes! Why? Mulder: It's because we need this to come to an end Scully! We need closure! Scully: Closure? What do you mean? Mulder: What do I mean? Didn't you see the last season? The X-Files went out like a bunch of pussies! We didn't solve or expose shit! We ran like the Fugitive with a lot less personality! For God's sakes, you gave up your baby, and my three best friends died! What the hell kind of way is that to end a season? So I deduced that if we bring down LOLA, we might have had not spent our careers in vain! So I set out to find… the truth! And when I did… LOLA was after me. I had to lay low. Scully: But what was the truth, Mulder? Dr. Evil: Yes, I'm curious to know, Mr. Mulder. [Mulder and Scully do a double take.] Mulder & Scully: DR. EVIL! Scully: Why are you hiding under the table with us? Dr. Evil: Have you looked out there? It's a frikkin' madhouse! Mulder: Where's Mini-Me? Dr. Evil: That Daphne girl passed out and he's humping her leg. Little perv is hornier than R. Kelly at a Girl Scout meeting! Scully: Will one of you tell me this TRUTH ALREADY??? Mulder: Scully, on May 11th, 2004… Star Wars Episode 3 will be released. Scully: So? Mulder: I've read the script. In that god awful movie, more LOLA's will be introduced than the world can handle. The masses will revolt, the economy will collapse and the government will fall apart leading to a new civil war. And there's nothing we can do to stop it. Scully: You're telling me a fucking movie is going to bring our world to a halt? Mulder: You haven't read the script, Scully. It's pure evil on celluloid. Dr. Evil: Jar Jar is Chewbacca's father. Quite breathtaking, really. Mulder: Only thing more evil than the movie is the sick bastard that wrote it. Scully: And who is that? Voice: Tell her, Fox! Go ahead. [There's a whirring noise. From out of the darkness, Cancer Man comes out in a motorized wheelchair.] ======================================================================= COMMERCIAL BREAK Coming soon, to theaters near you… The most acclaimed director in the world takes on a biblical epic… MICHAEL BAY'S "THE TEN COMMANDMENTS"! Starring Josh Hartnett as Moses! Moses: Like, let my people go and stuff! Ben Affleck as the strangely drunken voice of God! God: MOSES! *Hiccup!* Moses: Yeah, dude? God: Go get me a sixer of Bud! Make sure they're talls this time! Christopher Walken as The Pharaoh Ramses! Ramses: Look… Moses, you wanna let your people go… they're fine here! Really! We have cake… punch… skittles… so many flavors! We hang out… go to the mall… go watch a cock fight! No one… will know. And Mandy Moore as Janet! Janet: Hi, Moses! Moses: Hi, Janet. Feel the emotion and drama as two people fall in love in the middle of an ancient war! [We see lots of explosions and slow and slightly out of focus shots of the cast while Aerosmith songs play in the background.] Michael Bay's "The Ten Commandments"! If you don't go see it, God will punish you! ======================================================================= [Cancer Man comes out in a motorized wheelchair.] Scully: CANCER MAN! Cancer Man: Yes, it's me… I wrote Star Wars Episode 3! By god, if I can't be a serious writer, I'm going to use that ability to take everyone down! [Cancer Man slams his hand on the wheelchair controls. The chair immediately starts spinning around in a circle.] Cancer Man: GAH! Someone stop this thing! [Hitting the controls] The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you! [The wheelchair stops spinning.] Cancerman: Uh-oh… gonna vom. [Mulder walks up to him.] Mulder: All right, you black-lunged son of a bitch… let's settle this once and for all. Cancerman: Very well, Agent Mulder, but let's face it… I have the upper hand because no moral individual would ever hit a man in a wheelch… OOF!!! [Mulder is punching Cancerman in the gut. Rob Schneider walks out dressed as a hill rat.] Rob Schneider: YOU CAN DO IT!!! [The white alien grabs him and eats him.] [Foxy Cleopatra and Mariah Carey are facing off.] Mariah: You little slut! I'm going to be your heartbreaker! Foxy Cleopatra: Baby, you ain't ready for this jelly! Mariah: Take this!!! [Mariah hits a high note and screams at Foxy. Foxy shrugs it off and screams right back. Mariah shrugs that off and keeps screaming. After a couple of minutes, they stop. Cracks start to form in the sub's windows. Simon Cowell walks up.] Simon Cowell: [To Mariah] You. Your tone is shrill and you dress like a prostitute. I hope you drink a bucket of cancer and die with a red-hot poker in your arse. [To Beyonce] And as for you, I wish that a hundred toothless old men would gum you to death leaving your skinless body in a pool of salt water. [Lightning flash.] Paula Abdul: [appears out of nowhere] Oh, you're so MEAN all the time! Simon Cowell: Shut your gab, you washed up bitch! Your yammerings are like the shrill calls of an annoying bird with a broken wing getting ground up in a tractor motor while having its bits and pieces torn off by the family cat. [Lighting flash.] [Paula Abdul's lower lips begins to quiver. Beyonce and Mariah are only one more insult away from a complete breakdown.] Simon Cowell: And one more thing… You all suck great big hairy sweaty ape nuts. [The three singers begin to wail. All three are a crying mess and their cries get louder and higher and shriller.] Scooby Doo: Ruh-oh! [Scooby Doo's head explodes.] [Mulder is punching Cancerman in the gut when he stops due to the shrill screams. Doggett and Reyes stop punching Cruella DeVil and the Lord Farquad Sock Puppet in the faces] Reyes: [holds ears] Arrrrgh! What's going on!? Doggett: The cries of those three talent-less divas are getting higher and higher. It looks like they're about to shatter the windows of this submarine and flood us all! Mulder: I think we'd better compliment them very quickly! Doctor Evil: Good idea! Someone say something nice about them! [A beat] Scully: I can't think of anything. Mulder: Me neither. Doggett: Well, let's just make something up! Reyes: Like what!? Mulder: I don't know… SOMETHING!!! Scott Evil: Tell Beyonce that she's Pretty, Hot, and Tempting. Mulder: Hey, Beyonce! You're PHAT! Mariah, I think your ass is PHAT! Paula, damn baby you is the PHATTEST yet! [They wail even harder. The glass in the submarine shatters flooding the undersea base and ripping Beyonce, Mariah, and Paula to pieces with the flying glass. Water is up to everyone's waist.] Mace Windu: Hey, what the FUCK is going on here, bitch!? [WHAM! One of the sharks from DEEP BLUE SEA leaps out of the water and grabs Mace Windu.] Mace Windu: Aw, shit! Not again! [He is eaten. Anakin floats by since, of course, wood is buoyant.] Anakin: Oh no! Master Windu is dead! Obi-Won: Indeed he is. Anakin: Master, put some clothes on! Obi-Won: Sorry. [Obi-Won is eaten by one of the sharks.] [The white alien from Alien Resurrection grabs one of the sharks and eats it. Simon Cowell stands there as one of the sharks prepares to eat him.] Simon Cowell: Your teeth are so yellow that, when you smile, traffic slows down. Your breath is as rancid as a manatee fart. [The shark starts eating him.] Simon Cowell: Your chewing is hackneyed and I swear I count at least forty cavities in here. [The shark eats him.] Simon Cowell: [muffled] You call this digestion!? [Fat Bastard grabs the Shark and eats it.] Fat Bastard: Umm! SEAFOOD!!! [The last shark eats Cruella DeVil and Mojo Yoda before turning its attention to Mysteries Inc. It eats Fred, Daphnie, and then Shaggy and then overdoses and dies thanks to all the narcotics in Shaggy's body.] [The sub begins to sink.] Frau Farbissina: VE ARE GOING DOWN! VE ARE SINKING! Doctor Evil: And we are positioned over Das Asse De Marlon Brando! The deepest trench in the ocean! We're all going to drown! Scully: No, Doctor Evil, not if we all work together! Doctor Evil: Never! LOLA will save itself! [Doctor Evil and the rest of LOLA run out of a door.] Scully: Fuck 'em. We need to make a boat fast… we just need wood to do it! Mulder: Why are you looking at me like that? [A few seconds later, Mulder, Doggett, Anikan, The Swimfan have been lashed together using the Lord Farquad sock puppet to produce a raft.] Scully: It's a good thing that wooden actors float! [The water begins to rise. Scully, Reyes, Anthony Hopkins, and Spider- Man hop on the raft. It begins to sink.] Scully: We're too heavy! We've got to loose some weight! Mulder: Then get on the Subway diet! [The raft suddenly begins to float right] Reyes: Hey, that's better! But where did Spider-Man go? [Anthony Hopkins is lighting dabbing his mouth with a piece of Spider- Man's costume. He burps.] Reyes: Never mind. Let's shove off! [The raft floats out of the sinking submarine as Doctor Evil's craft goes under.] Doggett: It looks like Doctor Evil and LOLA are finally dead at last. Mulder: And so's Anikan and Swimfan. Reyes: What? Why? What happened to them? Mulder: Scully lashed them to us facing down. They drowned. Reyes: Darn… And I was hoping at least one other BALLICKER would survive. Scully: [points] Well, Undercover Brother looks pretty well off. [Undercover Brother is speeding away with the Charlie's Angels in a speedboat.] Alex: So, is it twue what dey say about you guys? [Zzzzzzzzip!] Alex: Oh, it's TWUE! IT'S TWUE! IT'S TWUE!!! [Back on the raft] Scully: Well, it looks like LOLA is finally finished for good. Doggett: Yep. Mulder: Yep. Reyes: Yessiree. [Suddenly, FAT BASTARD surfaces. Doctor Evil, Mini-Me, Frau Farbissina, Goldmember, Number Two, Cancerman, and Scott are on his back.] Doctor Evil: Not quite yet, my dear agents! LOLA will be back! Back, I tell you! BACK!!! [Fat Bastard farts, blasting them off like a speedboat over the horizon.] [Meanwhile, on a public beach many miles away, we see a Mack Truck drive out of the ocean and onto a road. Inside, Rusty Nail, The Creeper, and Cruella DeVil are talking.] Rusty Nail: Holy shit, do you guys realize that we're, like, the only LOLAs to ever survive a mission? Cruellia DeVil: Just keep driving and don't look back, man! Don't look back! Creeper: Oh, get off it bitch! We're home free! Nothing will happen to us now. [The white alien jumps out of the sleeper cab and eats all of them. It then jumps in the drivers seat, puts on a cap, toots the horn, and drives down the road. The truck's license plate reads "B-EATIN-U"] FBI HEADQUARTERS A FEW DAYS LATER 5:16 PM 4:16 PM CDT TAPE DELAY FOR THE WEST COAST [Mulder, Scully, Reyes, and Doggett are talking to AD Kersh] Kersh: Let me get this straight. All the BALLICKERS with the exception of Undercover Brother, who isn't returning our phone calls, and Anothony Hopkins, who we think ate Agent Fowley in the lobby, are dead and Cancerman has joined up with Doctor Evil who's LOLA troops were also killed in action. Throughout this entire stupid adventure, you didn't solve shit, no one understands the truth, and we're right back to where we started? Mulder: Pretty much, yeah. Kersh: Well, you're consistent little fuckers, I'll give you that. But… Unfortunately, this means I have to reprimand all of you for not getting anything accomplished… Doggett: Reprimand us? How? [We then see Mulder, Scully, Reyes and Doggett are all sitting in a library dressed suspiciously like characters from "The Breakfast Club". Doggett is dressed like Emilio Estevez, Scully like Molly Ringwald, Reyes like Ally Sheedy and Mulder like Judd Nelson.] Mulder: Detention? This is bullshit! Kersh: Congratulations! You just bought yourself another detention! Mulder: Good! Kersh: And there's another! Mulder: Fine! Kersh: Are you through? Mulder: No! Kersh: You just got a month! Mulder: So? Kersh: You want more just say the word? Mulder: Go! Kersh: Eeny meeny miney… Mulder: Moe? Kersh: Agent Reyes is a… Mulder: Ho? Kersh: Johnny Depp starred in… Mulder: Blow? Kersh: A woman with a really big ass is… Mulder: J-Lo? Kersh: Riker did it with Ensign… Mulder: Ro? Kersh: The Raven was written by Edgar Allen… Mulder: Poe? Kersh: Keanu says… Mulder: Woah? Reyes: I confused. Kersh: Shut your hole, tit bag. [Mulder and Kersh continue to argue as we hear that song by Simple Minds starts playing in the background. We then hear Mulder's inner monologue over that…] Mulder's inner monologue: Dear Mr. Kersh, We accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it is we did wrong, but we think you're crazy for making us write an report telling you who we think we are. You see us as you want to see us: in the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions. But what we found out is that each one of us is a believer, and a skeptic, and a moron, a slut, and two idiots that write parodies. Does that answer your question? Sincerely yours, the X-File Club. Kersh: MULDER! You're thinking out loud again!!! Mulder: D'oh! Scully: It's times like this that I wish Skinner was here. It's just too bad that he got whacked too. Doggett: Don't shed any tears for him, Scully… He's in a better place. [On a deserted island, Professor Snape and Skinner are sitting on a beach eating coconuts. Wilson the Volleyball sits next to them.] Professor Snape: Look on the bright side. Wilson and I were on this island for a week before you washed up. Skinner: Look Snape, I don't want to hear your story about how you're not really a villain. I don't care, really. I just want to get off this island and get back to my job before living on this island turns me into an insane shell of myself and I do things I would regret for the rest of my life. Professor Snape: I see… [a pause] Would you like to have sex again to pass the time? Skinner: [a beat] All right. [Back in Doctor Evil's SECRET VOLCANO BASE!!!] [All the regular LOLAs are there. Doctor Evil, Scott, Frau Farbissina, Fat Bastard, Alotta Fagina, Goldmember, Mini-Me, and Number Two… but now, sitting at the table, we see Cancerman. He throws a wet and soggy script on the table. On the script, we see the worlds STAR WARS EPISODE III: JAR JAR'S HAPPY FUN TIME PICNIC AND TWO MINUTES OF DARTH VADAR.] Cancerman: Mulder ruined my beautiful script. Now, George Lucas will have to write it himself and we won't have near the number of LOLAs required to take over the world! Doctor Evil: We'll just have to trust George Lucas to screw it up on his own. Episode III will still give birth to LOLAs, my chain- smoking friend and we will use them. Cancerman: Well, count me in. I want to be part of the gang! Doctor Evil: Done! Mulder and Scully may have escaped us this year, but next year their ass is grass and I'm planning on doing some mowing. [Scott snickers.] Scott: You are such a lame ass. Doctor Evil: You'd better believe it, Scott… You'd better believe it! FADE OUT THE END? NOT YET! WHATEVER HAPPENED TO… ["Louie, Louie" starts playing. We see a picture of Doggett and Reyes. There's a caption underneath.] Caption: Doggett went on to raise Gibson Praise with Agent Reyes. How Gibson has managed to remain straight is beyond us. [We see a picture of Scully rubbing her temples standing between Doggett and Reyes. There's another caption below her.] Caption: Scully is currently working in at a small practice in Los Angeles. Her stage name is "Dr. Hotpants". $20 gets you a lap dance. [We see a picture of Mulder with a blank expression on his face. Another caption is beneath him.] Caption: Mulder went to France where his sense of humor is treated with the highest respect. He became a popular game show host. He is now more popular than Jerry Lewis. [We see Mulder walking down the street. Several girls see him and start chasing him. We go through the entire opening sequence from the first Austin Powers movie. Mulder runs over to his car, does a flip over the back of the car and bonks his head on the rear view mirror, knocking himself out.] NOW THE END! ANNOUNCER: AND NOW, HERE IS A SPECIAL SNEAK PREVIEW OF THE LEGION OF LAME ASSES IV: LOLA4EVER COMING FALL, 2003!!! Doctor Evil: Allow me to introduce LOLA 4.0! Golum: My… PRECIOUSSSSSSSSSS!!! Mulder: Cancerman, you black-lunged son of a bitch! Count Doku: Join me and together, we will DESTROY THE SITH!!! Scully: Mulder, all your theories are bullshit. Shinzon: Set a course to Earth. Kill everything! Mulder: The truth is out there, Scully! That Fucking Troll Thing from Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets: I'm dead meat! Doggett: Have you seen this boy!? That Creepy Little Girl from the Ghost Ship Trailer: We're all trapped in this lame parody. Reyes: Hey, would you like to catch the pleasure express? Neo: WHOA! Announcer: THE LEGION OF LAME ASSES IV: LOLA4EVER – COMING IN 2003 WHEN THE WRITERS GET OFF THEIR LAZY ASSES AND WRITE IT!!! [JASON Donner and JESSE GLASPEY are writing on a computer.] Jason: There we go. All finished. Jesse: Yep, at least until next summer when we start on LOLA4EVER. [The doorbell rings] Jason: I wonder who that could be. [Jason walks to the door. Opening it, he discovers THE LONE GUNMEN sitting on top of one of the dragons from Reign of Fire.] Byers: TIME TO DIE, ASSHOLES! Jason & Jesse: Aw, shit… [The dragon blasts the house and it explodes in a gigantic fireball. The dragon flies away and, a couple of seconds later, Jason and Jesse crawl out of the debris.] Jason: [mocking] "Oh, hey! I've got an idea! Let's get the Spinosauraus to eat the Lone Gunmen!" Jesse: Still a better death than the one Chris Carter gave them, I… [Jesse notices a metal bar impaled through Jason's body] Jesse: Doesn't that hurt? Jason: No more than Ecks vs. Sever… but at least we don't have to worry about those jackasses trying to kill us again. [They both laugh as the picture fades to black. Somewhere else, Agents Ecks and Sever are reading this story on a computer monitor.] Ecks: Hey, that wasn't very nice. Sever: [cocks gun] I agree… Let's kill those little shits. MUSIC STING!!! THE END