"urqa motherfuking dickhead!"
- Roger Ebert
"This is such a great story. If it wasn't for my cat scratching me in
the hindquarters, I'd read more. As it is, I'll have to read the others
tomorrow"
- Rolling Stone
"fuk u!"
- Rex Reed
"Totally brilliant!"
- Entertainment Weekly
"It was pretty good, but also kind of blah. The whole thing revolved
around swearing and sex. There was no real plot."
- Variety
"LOLA Rules!"
- Premiere
"After the first few, the fat jokes weren't funny; just cruel and
pointless. Anyone should be able to take a few jokes, but this was just
too much."
- Some Fat Fuck
THE LEGION OF LAME-ASSES…
CONQUERING THE WORLD, ONE CRITIC AT A TIME!
*********************************************************** THE FOLLOWING PREVIEWS HAVE BEEN APPROVED FOR ALL AUDIENCES *********************************************************** You loved PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN and you love WHEEL OF FORTUNE… Now, this fall, enjoy them both as THE PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN compete on WHEEL OF FORTUNE! PAT SAJAK: All right, Blackbeard, please choose a letter. BLACKBEARD: Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! PAT SAJAK: There are three "R's!" Please choose another letter. BLACKBEARD: Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! PAT SAJAK: I'm sorry, but there are no more "R's." BLACKBEARD: (Sadly) Arrrr. THE PIRATES OF THE CARINNEAN on WHEEL OF FORTUNE! This is one show… YOU CAN'T MISS (Because it's in syndication and will show up at least four times a day)! PAT SAJAK: Long John Silver. Please choose a letter. LONG JOHN SILVER: Arrrrrrrrrrrrrr! PAT SAJAK: There are no more "R's!" PARROT: Raaaaaaaaak! There are no more R's! There are no more R's! Long John Silver runs Pat Sajak through with his sword and then the pirates run after a screaming Vanna White. *********************************************************** Coming to theaters this summer, you were on the edge of your seat with PHONE BOOTH… You were also on the edge of your seat with the fast paced car chases of THE ITALIAN JOB… Now… be prepared to be in awe as this summer, New Line Cinema presents… TOLL BOOTH! There's a guy looking very nervous in his car as the gate is still lowered in front of him. There's a darkened toll booth off to the side. We can't see who's inside. TOLL BOOTH: Come on, Stu! Don't you get the game yet? EXACT CHANGE ONLY! BWAHAHAHAHAH! STU: Please let me through! I have to get home to feed my cat! TOLL BOOTH: I am looking at you right now. Can you feel it, Stu? STU: Of course I can! You're in the booth right next to me!!! TOLL BOOTH! COMING SOON!!! *********************************************************** Coming to theaters this summer, it's THE BOWLING LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMEN! TOM SAWYER: Ha! That's a strike for me! MINA HARKER: Hissssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss!!! (Mina drains him dry) ALLAN QUATERMAIN: She's sucks just like your mother does, Captain Nemo! HAW, HAW, HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW! THE BOWLING LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMEN! This Summer, Adventure Strikes out! DOCTOR JEKELL: You got a spare, Mr. Quatermain. ALLAN QUATERMAIN: Then the DAY IS MINE!!! *********************************************************** WE NOW GO LIVE TO THE ACADEMY AWARDS WHERE BRUCE CAMPBELL HAS FINALLY WON AN OSCAR FOR BEST ACTOR IN BUBBA HO-TEP! *********************************************************** (Halle Berry presents the award for Best Actor.... again. Bruce Campbell gets up on the stage and makes his acceptance speech.) BRUCE CAMPELL: Listen up you glamorous primates... (Raises award statue in the air) BRUCE CAMPELL: This... is my OSCAR!!! (Audience gasps) BRUCE CAMPELL: Covered in 24 karat gold... cast in bronze. It weights 8.5 pounds and stands erect 13.5 inches tall. Can be located in any Academy Awards show or the house of a child rapist. That's right. Now I swear, if any one of you Hollywood bitches even dare touches me, I'll shove this baby far up where no actors have gone before... except Tom Cruise, of course. (Tom Cruise hisses) BRUCE CAMPELL: That's right. I won this award playing the king, and now I'm the king. No, not you James Cameron. Hey, Cameron, you ain't leading but two things... Titanic and shit. And Titanic just went down the ocean. I'm the real king. Hail to the king, baby! (Bruce walks up to Halle Berry) BRUCE CAMPELL: Gimme some sugar, baby. (Bruce plants a kiss on Halle) BRUCE CAMPELL: Groovy. *********************************************************** AND NOW, OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION! ***********************************************************
Based on a true story.
We start out in a penthouse in Las Vegas Nevada. JASON Donner and
JESSE GLASPEY are at a computer.
JASON Donner: Well, Jesse, it's time once again to begin writing this
year's installment of The Legion of Lame-Asses and bring joy and humor
to the loads of dorks that visit this website.
JESSE GLASPEY: It sure is, Jason.
JASON Donner: How do you think we should start?
JESSE GLASPEY: (Thinks about it) What if we started it off with a big
fight?
JASON Donner: All right.
(Jason suddenly slams Jesse's head on the keyboard over and over and
over again. Jesse kicks him off and when he stands up, we see Jesse's
face is covered in various letters and numbers. Jesse does a quadruple
somersault and grabs a sword off a wall. Jason runs over to a chest
filled with maces, swords, hammers, and axes and takes out an ice cream
scoop.)
JESSE GLASPEY: Eat my blade!
JASON Donner: I'll see you in HELL… hopefully with me looking down
through a pit or something!
JESSE GLASPEY: ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!
JASON Donner: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Jesse and Jason start fighting. The two eventually make it out to the
balcony. Jesse kicks Jason in the face sending him off the balcony and
falling out of sight. Jesse walks over and looks over the edge and is
grabbed by Jason and pulled over.
Jason and Jesse are falling.
JASON & JESSE: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!
A breath.
JASON & JESSE: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!
Jason and Jesse land on an old lady who breaks their fall and resume
fighting. They fight in the streets, narrowly missing getting hit by
cars. Jason grabs a passing truck and Jesse leaps on the back of it.
On top of the truck, Jason and Jesse face off.
JASON: I'm going to tear your insides out.
JESSE: Funny. That's what I told your mom last night.
JASON: I'LL KILL YOU!!!
Jason and Jesse continue to beat the shit out of each other as the
truck drives off into the sunset. The camera pans away from the truck
and towards a mountain. It zooms in quickly to reveal that it is… THE
SECRET MOUNTAIN HIDEOUT OF DOCTOR EVIL!!!
Inside THE SECRET MOUNTAIN HIDEOUT OF DOCTOR EVIL, Doctor Evil, Fat
Bastard, Frau Farbissina, Scott Evil, Number Two, Mini-Me, Alotta
Fagina, Goldmember, and Random Task are meeting. Also in attendance is
Doctor Evil's newest ally, CANCERMAN!
DOCTOR EVIL: Ladies and gentlemen… it's been a year, but we're back.
It's time to unleash our newest band of LOLAs into the world and, with
them, we will cause havoc and chaos unless, that is, the governments of
the world pay us… ONE HUNDRED BILLION DOLLARS!
CANCERMAN: Not to mention, complete and total control of the world.
NUMBER TWO: Will we be taking the one hundred billion dollars in cash,
goods, or a cashier's check? For tax purposes, of course.
DOCTOR EVIL: (A beat) Uh… cash would be good. Now, we…
NUMBER TWO: Dollars, euros, pesos, British pounds, or some other
currency?
DOCTOR EVIL: Hell, uh… dollars is fine. It's time to…
NUMBER TWO: And complete and total control of the world. Do you mean
a military dictatorship, control of the world economy, or will we
receive some kind of deed?
DOCTOR EVIL: We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. For now,
summon the LOLAs!
FRAU FARBISSINA: SUMMON THE LOLAS!
(Doctor Evil reacts to Farbissina's piercing shriek as the LOLAs
enter.)
DOCTOR EVIL: Gary, if you will?
GARY OWEN: Thank you, Doctor Evil. Our first LOLA is a clone of
Captain Picard bent on destroying Earth. Give a warm welcome to,
SHINZON OF REMUS!
SHINZON: Our eyes reflect our lives, don't they? I can see as well as
you can, I can hear as well as you do, I feel what you feel. In fact…
I feel exactly what you feel.
SCOTT EVIL: Really? Because right now I'm feeling my right nut.
SHINZON: Perhaps I should set phasers to SHHHH!!!
SCOTT EVIL: Don't tell me that you do that crap too!
SHINZON: Hi, my name is what? My name is what? My name is SHHHHH!
SCOTT EVIL: What is it with bald people?
SHINZON: The hills are alive with the sounds of SHHHHHH!!!
SCOTT EVIL: But I…
SHINZON: Hey Scott.
SCOTT EVIL: What?
SHINZON: SHHHHHHHHH!!!!
DOCTOR EVIL: SILENCE!
A long beat.
DOCTOR EVIL: Continue, Gary.
GARY OWEN: Our next LOLA hails from the Matrix.
SCOTT EVIL: SWEET! You got the TWINS!?
DOCTOR EVIL: Not quite.
GARY OWEN: Say hello to… THE MEROVINGIAN!
MEROVINGIAN: 'allo, 'allo, 'allo. Hawh! Hawh! Hawh!
SCOTT EVIL: The French guy… you just HAD to pick the French guy.
MEROVINGIAN: (to Alotta Fagina) Here, mon sherie. 'ave a taste of zis
pie I made… just for voo.
ALOTTA FAGINA: Oh, thank you!
(FAT BASTARD suddenly appears out of the bathroom.)
FAT BASTARD: I wouldn't go in THERE for a couple of days! I just
dropped a whole busload o' kids at th' pool if you know what ah mean!
Oo! PIE!
(Fat Bastard takes the pie and eats it. After a second, the front of
his pants become wet.)
FAT BASTARD: Holy… SHITTE! You guys GOTTA try this PIE!!! It FUCKIN'
ROCKS!
MEROVINGIAN: Merde.
DOCTOR EVIL: Excellent. Continue!
GARY OWEN: Our next LOLA enjoys walks on the beach. Her turn offs are
men who smoke and John Conner… say hello to the T-X!
T-X: Hello.
SCOTT EVIL: Oh, come on! This has got to be the absolute worst…
(The T-X' boobs grow in size before everyone's eyes.)
SCOTT EVIL: …choice NOT to put in LOLA! I LOVE THIS CHICK!
GARY OWEN: From Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones…
SCOTT EVIL: Oh god.
GARY OWEN: …it's COUNT DOOKU!
COUNT DOOKU: Hello, everyone.
(Everyone reacts in horror to Christopher Lee's voice)
(The T-X walks up to Random Task.)
T-X: (Sweetly) I like your hat.
DOCTOR EVIL: What's your problem with Count Dooku, Scott?
SCOTT EVIL: Nothing. Someone who got his ass handed to him by a
muppet should fit in perfectly well here. Welcome aboard, Count
Dookie.
COUNT DOOKU: Dooku.
DOCTOR EVIL: You watch your language! Who's next?
GARY OWEN: From THE HULK, it's NICK NOLTE!
(Nick Nolte walks in, falls down some stairs, and runs into a wall,
knocking himself out.)
DOCTOR EVIL: Breathtaking.
SCOTT EVIL: He's taking something, all right.
(The T-X walks by in the background. She's covered in blood and
wearing Random Task's hat.)
GARY OWEN: Going up next, a dapper young man who never misses unless
he's using your restroom, it's BULLSEYE!
(Bullseye walks out.)
BULLSEYE: Hellooooooo DOCTOR EVIL! I'll be… IN your LOLA
grrrrrrroup. BUT… REMEMBER! The DEVIL… Isssssssssssssssssssss MINE!!!
(Out of breath from his shameless overacting, Bullseye starts chugging
a Gatorade.)
Doctor Evil: Riiiiiiiiiiight.
GARY OWENS: From CHARLIE'S ANGELS: FULL TROTTLE, it's DEMI MOORE and
her henchman, Seamus O'Grady!
DEMI MOORE: Hi, everyone!
SCOTT EVIL: Holy Christ wagons! That broad has had so much plastic
surgery that, when she dies, they're going to recycle her!
SEAMUS O'GRADY: Yew l'il punk! Ah'm gonna show yew th' meanin' o'
pain!
SCOTT EVIL: You're going to pummel me with your accent?
DOCTOR EVIL: If you don't keep it down, I'm going to turn this evil
organization around and go BACK THE WAY WE CAME!
(Mini-Me growls at them.)
DOCTOR EVIL: Owens! Continue!
GARY OWENS: From Darkness Falls, it's THE TOOTH FAIRY!
CANCERMAN: WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T LOOK AT HER!!!
(The Tooth Fairy ominously floats down from the ceiling. Jonathan
Reiss from Tomb Raider 2 walks in.)
JONATHAN REISS: Hi everyone! Am I late for the meeting? Who's the
scary chick?
(The Tooth Fairy grabs Reiss, hauls him to the ceiling, and tears him
limb from limb.)
SCOTT EVIL: That's got to be a record.
DOCTOR EVIL: GOLDMEMBER!
GOLDMEMBER: (Jumps!) Jah, Doctor Evil?
DOCTOR EVIL: You are to go to Washington DC and destroy Mulder,
Scully, Doggett, and Reyes post haste! They have an… item I wish to
have so that I may take over the world.
GOLDMEMBER: Can I paint their tally-whackersh gold? It'sh kind of my
thing!
(A beat)
DOCTOR EVIL: How about… NO! You crazy Dutch bastard! Take Seamus
O'Grady, The Merovingian, and more of the reserve LOLAs and GET THE
FUDGE OUT OF HERE!
GOLDMEMBER: Yesh, Doctor Evil! And if you don't mind me shaying…
you're looking very toit! Very toit in your toit pantsh!
DOCTOR EVIL: OUT!
GOLDMEMBER: NYAAAAAAH!
(Goldmember, Seamus O'Grady, and Merovingian run out the door.)
DOCTOR EVIL: I hate him.
SCOTT EVIL: Everyone did.
DOCTOR EVIL: Soon… Soon my most arch of arch enemies will be dead and
I… I WILL RULE THE WORLD! Mwaaaaah ha ha ha haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
FAT BASTARD: Cheese-us CHRIST! This PIE KICKS ARSE!
MEANWHILE…
FBI HEADQUARTERS
12:21 PM
Thursday
All Your Base Are Belong to Us
Mulder, Scully, Doggett, and Reyes enter Skinner's office.
SKINNER: Thanks for coming everyone.
(Everyone grabs a chair.)
SKINNER: Wait! Don't sit there! (points to the chairs) Sit there!
(Everyone looks at each other with confused expressions.)
SKINNER: Not there! There!
(Everyone shrugs and trades seats.)
SKINNER: Our latest intelligence reports that Cancerman and Doctor
Evil have put together an all new band of LOLAs
SCULLY: Again?
SKINNER: Yes.
SCULLY: Shit.
SKINNER: I know.
DOGGETT: Is this, like, Bush intelligence or real intelligence?
SKINNER: Real, I'm afraid.
MULDER: What are they after this time?
SKINNER: Doctor Evil has demanded 100 billion dollars to be delivered
to him in Australia.
REYES: Oh, goodie! I like skiing!
(Everyone looks at Reyes and then back to the conversation.)
SKINNER: Just to be on the safe side, we're going to give it to him.
DOGGETT: That's a little dumb.
SKINNER: It was Bush's idea.
DOGGETT: Ah.
SKINNER: There's more. We have reason to believe that Doctor Evil is
also after this.
(Skinner picks up a box of cracker jacks, digs inside, and pulls out… A
RING!!!)
MUSIC STING!!!
SCULLY: I hate where this is going already.
MULDER: What's so special about that?
SKINNER: This is the one ring… TO RULE THEM ALL!!!
(Thunderclap. Skinner tosses the ring into the fire. After letting it
sit in the fire for a moment, he retrieves it with a pair of tongs.)
SKINNER: Here, Doggett, take it.
(Doggett hesitates.)
SKINNER: Don't worry… it's quite cool.
(Doggett reaches in to grab it. His hand catches fire.)
DOGGETT: SHIT! FUCK! SON OF A BITCH! MOTHER FUCKER!
(Doggett tosses the ring onto Skinner's desk. It burns a ring shaped
scorch on the surface.)
SKINNER: I can't believe you fell for that, you stupid bastard. What
were you thinking? Grabbing a red hot ring! You stupid fuck! Now
turn away from me and fall back into my arms!
(Doggett hesitates.)
SKINNER: Just breathe deep and fall back… let me cradle you…
(Doggett hesitates again.)
SKINNER: Fall, you bastard!
(Doggett falls backwards, but Skinner goes to point at the ring,
sending Doggett crashing to the floor.)
SKINNER: Here, everyone, take a look at the ring!
(Everyone looks at the ring. Writing appears.)
REYES: What does it say? I can't read!
MULDER: (Reading) Warning… Contents may be hot.
DOGGETT: No shit.
MULDER: (Reading) This is the One Ring… TO RULE THE ALL!
(Thunderclap)
MULDER: (Reading) Made in Mount Doom, Taiwan.
SCULLY: This is what Doctor Evil is looking for? The One Ring… TO
RULE THEM ALL!?
(Thunderclap)
SKINNER: With that ring, Doctor Evil could rule the world. Therefore,
you and Mulder must take it to Mordor, Taiwan and cast it into the
fiery pit of Mount Doom where it was created… only there can it be
destroyed.
MULDER: Why?
SKINNER: Some union thing. I don't know.
DOGGETT: What about Reyes and me?
SKINNER: It's your job to take the 100 Billion Dollars to Australia,
meet up with your contact, Allan Quatermain of the League of
Extraordinary Gentlemen, and deliver it to Doctor Evil's henchman.
Once you do, follow the henchman and find Dr. Evil's secret hideout.
Your plane leaves in ten minutes.
REYES: Do you think we'll see Elephants in Australia? I love furry
things!
(Everyone looks at Reyes. Scully slaps her. Reyes and Doggett leave.)
SKINNER: Be very careful with that ring. The more you use it, the
more likely that the powers of darkness can find you and…
MULDER: Ring goes on! (Mulder puts it on and goes invisible) Ring
goes off! (Mulder takes it off and goes visible) Ring goes on!
(Mulder puts it on and goes invisible) Ring goes off! (Mulder takes
it off and goes visible) Ring goes on! (Mulder puts it on and goes
invisible) Ring goes off! (Mulder takes it off and goes visible) Ring
goes on! (Mulder puts it on and goes invisible) Ring goes off!
(Mulder takes it off and goes visible)
SKINNER: CUT THE SHIT! I'm teaming you two up with someone who knows
the way to Mount Doom.
SCULLY: Knows the way!? It's a big fiery volcano farting out lava! I
THINK we'll be able to find it!
SKINNER: Never the less… this is your new partner, GOLLUM!
(Gollum leaps out of a closet.)
GOLLUM: Do they have it? Do they have the… the PRECIOUS!?
SKINNER: Yes, Gollum, they have the precious. They are your friends.
GOLLUM: (Evil) Gollum doesn't have any friends! Gollum hates
everyones! (Friendly) No, no… Mulder and Scully are nice. We likes
Mulder and Scully. (Evil) ARE WE KIDDING US!? Did we SEE that last
season of The X-Files!? What a pile of rhinoceros shit! (Friendly)
No… No… Mulder was moving on to better things! (Evil) Like WHAT…
EVOLUTION!? (Friendly) I'm not listening… I'm not listening!
MULDER: Aw, isn't he cute?
SCULLY: This is worse than the time we had to solve that mystery with
Margot Kidder.
SKINNER: Now get out there and let's stop LOLA! Then we can all
celebrate… be free… run around naked… HAH HA! Dangly parts.
MEANWHILE… On an airplane bound for Washington DC!
Goldmember, Shaumus O'Grady, Merovingian, Alexis Petrovich from
Rollerball, Sean Bateman from The Rules of Attraction, Mrs. Harridan
from Daddy Day Care, and Strucker from Bulletproof Monk are in their
seats.
STRUCKER: Wow! I can't believe I'm in LOLA! I would have thought
that Bulletproof Monk would have been all but forgotten by now.
GOLDMEMBER: No bad movie ever shlipsh below dee LOLA radar!
(The man sitting next to Goldmember puts down his paper revealing that
he is TYLER DURDEN from FIGHT CLUB.)
TYLER DURDEN: Why do you think that they give us such small barf bags?
GOLDMEMBER: Vhat?
TYLER DURDEN: I figure, if you're going to chunk you're going to need
a bigger bag than this, so why do they give you such a small bag?
GOLDMEMBER: I… don't know.
TYLER DURDEN: A… feeling… of… false… security. You look at this bag
and you think, hey… that's not such a big bag… I guess flying doesn't
make you nauseated after all.
GOLDMEMBER: Really?
TYLER DURDEN: Why do they always say no smoking on an airplane?
GOLDMEMBER: Becaushe of firesh?
TYLER DURDEN: No, it's because the conservative fucktards of the world
are trying to put tobacco out of business. Cigarettes never hurt
anyone, see?
(Tyler goes to light a cigarette. The plane hits some turbulence and
the lit match lands in Mrs. Harridan's hair setting it ablaze.)
MRS. HARRIDAN: OH GOD! WHY, GOD, WHY!?
(Mrs. Harridan leaps out of her seat propelling a bag of peanuts into
the air. One of them lands in Sean Bateman's throat and he chokes to
death. Mrs. Harridan is running all over the plane hitting herself in
the head trying to put herself out.)
PASSENGER 1: HEY! They're trying to HIJACK THE PLANE!
PASSENGER 2: Oh no they don't! 9/11! 9/11!
(An air marshal leaps foreword and draws his gun but misses Mrs.
Harridan and instead, guns down The Merovingian.)
MEROVINGIAN: SACRED BLUEH! ACK!
(He dies before even getting the chance to wave a white flag.)
PASSENGER: Hey! You hit that Frenchman! You missed completely!
AIR MARSHAL: Oh… did I?
(Mrs. Harridan falls against an emergency exit and gets sucked outside
into the engine and ground up into teeny-tiny little pieces. The
engine explodes and the plane starts to dive.)
SHAMUS O'GRADY: This is it! WE'RE DONE FOR! WE'RE FINISHED! WE'RE!
ARRRRGH!
(His seat is sucked out of the plane and he is cut in half by the
wing.)
ALEXIS PETROVICH: Everyone keep calm! We've got to keep a cool head
on our shoulders!
(THWACK! A flying piece of metal decapitates him.)
GOLDMEMBER: Alash and alack! Not even time for one last Shmoke and a
PANCAKE!
(The plane hits a mountain and EXPLODES IN A GREAT BIG FIREBALL!
SUDDENLY…)
TYLER DURDEN: Why do you think that they give us such small barf bags?
GOLDMEMBER: (Looks around) V-Vhat? Vhat dee hell?
TYLER DURDEN: I figure, if you're going to chunk you're going to need
a bigger bag than this, so why do they give you such a small bag?
GOLDMEMBER: Déjà vu.
TYLER DURDEN: A… feeling… of… false… security. You look at this bag
and you think, hey… that's not such a big bag… I guess flying doesn't
make you nauseated after all.
GOLDMEMBER: You're GOING TO CAUSHE DEE PLANE TO CRASH! HE'S GOING TO
CAUSHE DEE PLANE TO CRASH!
(The air marshal walks over)
AIR MARSHAL: What's going on here!?
GOLDMEMBER: Dis man in dee thrift-shtore jacket with his assh crack
hanging out all over dee place ish going to caushe dee plane to crash!
I shaw it! He did it!
AIR MARSHAL: Don't be ridiculous, sir. No one is going to cause this
plane to crash. You were just seeing things.
GOLDMEMBER: I'm telling you, I shaw it! He's going to light a shmoke
and…
AIR MARSHAL: A smoke? Sir, did you bring cigarettes aboard this
airplane?
TYLER DURDEN: Conservative fucktards of the world are trying to put
tobacco out of business. Cigarettes never hurt anyone, see?
(The air marshal takes out his gun and shoots Tyler dead.)
AIR MARSHAL: That'll teach you to try and smoke on an airplane, bitch!
CIGARETTES KILL!
(The air marshal walks off.)
MEROVINGIAN: Goldmember, what was all that about?
GOLDMEMBER: It'sh like I saw Death'sh plan on how ve going to die and
I changed it! I kept ush all from dying!
SEAN BATEMAN: Kudos to you!
MRS. HARRIDAN: No kudos! You do realize that by cheating death's
design, we're now going to be stalked by death and die in the order we
were supposed to die on this plane, don't you? And the deaths… they're
going to REALLY hurt now and leave us with unattractive corpses!
GOLDMEMBER: Poppycock! No vun is going to die. Let'sh jusht
concentrate on finding the very toit Mulder and Shcully!
(Everyone looks nervous.)
(MEANWHILE, in at MULDER'S PLACE…!)
SCULLY: Mulder, we don't have time for you to watch that porno you got
in the mail today!
MULDER: This isn't a porno, Scully. It's a… Here, let me show you.
GOLLUM: Oh goody! We likes the movies! (evil) No we don't! Shut
your mouth you LXG-liking wank-rag! (Good) You liked Final Destination
2! (Evil) FINAL DESTINATION 2 WAS THE SHIT!
(Mulder puts the tape in and presses play. Several strange images
appear on the screen including Tom Green wearing a dead deer in Freddy
Got Fingered, Jax with those gay metal arms from Mortal Kombat 2, Uma
Thurmon in The Avengers, those stupid dinosaurs from that awful Disney
movie, and several random scenes from other hideously bad movies. The
film ends with a shot of a well and then the screen goes to static.)
SCULLY: God… another gay student film.
(The phone rings. Mulder answers it.)
MULDER: This is Mulder. Hello? Helloooo?
SCARY VOICE: (whispers) Seven days!
MULDER: Hey, I LOVED that show. Hello? Hello? She hung up!
SCULLY: What was it?
MULDER: Some scary voice that said "seven days."
SCULLY: Seven days? Sounds menacing… You don't think that's going to
come back and haunt us later, do you?
MULDER: Nah.
(Meanwhile, at the Downtown Australia Airport!)
DOGGETT: You must be Allan Quatermain.
ALLAN QUATERMAIN: Aye, and you won't be gettin' away with this! Do
you hear me!?
REYES: Get away with what?
ALLAN QUATERMAIN: If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you.
DOGGETT: Right. You're supposed to go with us to deliver this money
to Doctor Evil, right?
ALLAN QUATERMAIN: NO! That's… just what they'll be expecting.
DOGGETT: Yeah, that's why it's our plan. Understand?
ALLAN QUATERMAIN: I do… On the other hand, YOUR MOTHER IS A WHORE!
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAW! HAW! HAW! HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW!
(Allan Quartermain laughs. Reyes laughs with him until Doggett slaps
her.)
ALLAN QUATERMAIN: Enough of this idle chit-chat! The land down-under
awaits!
(A LITTLE LATER…!)
(Doggett, Reyes, and Allan Quartermain are driving in a Jeep deep in
the outback.)
REYES, DOGGETT, ALLAN QUATERMAIN: (Singing) WE'RE LIVING IN THE LAND
DOWN UNDER!
(BAM!)
ALLAN QUATERMAIN: What the fudge-packing Trebek was that!?
DOGGETT: We must have hit that poor Kangaroo!
(Sure enough, KANGAROO JACK is lying dead in the road.)
REYES: Aw, the poor little thing.
ALLAN QUATERMAIN: I… I never saw it! There was no warning. It didn't
bark or anything!
DOGGETT: Kangaroo's don't bark.
ALLAN QUATERMAIN: They DO INDEED!
DOGGETT: All right, if Kangaroo's bark, what sound does a dog make?
ALLAN QUATERMAIN: Moo.
DOGGETT: That's not the sound a dog makes!
ALLAN QUATERMAIN: Well, that's the sound your mother made last night!
(Allan Quatermain laughs. Reyes laughs with him until Doggett slaps
her.)
DOGGETT: (looks at Kangaroo Jack) Looks like we roughed the little
fellow up.
ALLAN QUATERMAIN: Ah, ROUGH! Just the way your mother likes it!
(Allan Quatermain laughs. Reyes laughs with him until Doggett slaps
her.)
REYES: Ow. Well, what should we do with it?
ALLAN QUATERMAIN: There's only one proper thing to do, my dear.
(A bit later, the trio has a raging barbeque fire going and is getting
ready to roast Kangaroo Jack.)
DOGGETT: I don't understand why we have to wrap the Kangaroo in my
jacket.
ALLAN QUATERMAIN: It's to keep the flies off. I like that jacket, by
the way.
DOGGETT: Thank you.
ALLAN QUATERMAIN: Do they sell men's clothing where you got that?
HAAAAAAAAAAAAW! HAW! HAW!
(Allan Quatermain laughs. Reyes laughs with him until Doggett slaps
her.)
REYES: Ow.
DOGGETT: I don't believe it! IT'S ALIVE!!!
(Everyone looks. Sure enough, Kangaroo Jack is standing up and wearing
Doggett's jacket.)
DOGGETT: Wow, look how TALL he is!
(Kangaroo Jack kicks Doggett in the head and then runs away.)
ALLAN QUATERMAIN: Haw, haw, haw! Haw, haw, haaaaaw! You lost your
jacket faster than your mother lost all control and made love to me in
your childhood bed!
DOGGETT: Come on, Mr. Quatermain! My mother is dead!
ALLAN QUATERMAIN: Well, I guess that's why she didn't move so much.
HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW!
REYES: Wow… Too bad about your jacket, John.
DOGGETT: Oh, don't worry about it. I've got twenty just like it in
my… Ulp!
ALLAN QUATERMAIN: In what? In your mother's ass!? HAAAAW, haw, haw,
haw, haw!
DOGGETT: The hundred billion dollars! (Crying) It… I put the money in
the jacket! I put the jacket on the kangaroo! AND NOW HE'S HOPPING
AWAY!!!!
(They watch Kangaroo Jack hop away into the distance.)
ALLAN QUATERMAIN: He stole the money!
REYES: And he's not giving it back!
***********************************************************************
COMING THIS FALL TO BRAVO!
From the makers of QUEER EYE FOR THE STRAIGHT GUY, it's STRAIGHT EYE
FOR THE QUEER GUY!
Gay Guy: Oh, hello! You must be the straight guys!
Straight Guy #1: Yeah, boy… this place needs a straight touch!
Straight Guy #2: First, I think this place needs to be brightened up!
Gay Guy: Oo, pastels?
Straight Guy #3: No… This BIG NEON BEER SIGN!
Gay Guy: Ew!
Straight Guy #1: Let's get you out of those clothes.
Gay Guy: Oo!
Straight Guy #1: And into these sweat pants and T-Shirt!
Gay Guy: Ew! Wait a minute… Who's Dale Earnhart? Is that the
designer!?
Straight Guy #4: And now, let's talk about lunch.
Gay Guy: You mean things that are low fat and good for you?
Straight Guy #5: No, we mean this foot-long hot dog. Here, eat this.
Gay Guy: Mmmmmmm.
Straight Guy #1: On second thought, give that back!
STRAIGHT EYE FOR THE QUEER GUY on BRAVO! Because there has to be
SOMETHING straight on this fruity network!
***********************************************************************
Mulder, Scully, and Gollum are in the airport getting out of security.
SCULLY: Airport security sure is tight.
GOLLUM: Tell us about it. Our ass is killing us! (Evil) YOU
probably liked it! (Good) It's a lie! All lies! We hates you!
MULDER: Come on. We're going to miss our flight to Taiwan.
(They rush into the terminal…. Right past Goldmember and Sean Bateman)
GOLDMEMBER: Der they are!
SEAN BATEMAN: This is going to be sweet! I can't wait to kill them!
GOLDMEMBER: Then what are you waiting for, Bateman! Deshtroy them!
SEAN BATEMAN: Grrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh! URK!
(Sean looks behind him and realizes that his jacket has gotten snagged
in a luggage conveyor belt. He freaks out as he's pulled towards
obvious death.)
SEAN BATEMAN: OH GOD! I'M GOING TO DIE! THIS IS DEATH AND IT'S GOING
TO KILL ME! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
(Goldmember pulls Sean Bateman free. He accidentally kicks a suitcase
that gets run over by a luggage cart, hurting luggage up into the air.
One piece hits a ceiling fan. The blade comes loose and embeds in the
wall next to Sean Bateman's head. Goldmember slaps him five times)
SEAN BATEMAN: (SMACK!) Ah! (SMACK!) Ow! (SMACK!) Eee! (SMACK!)
I… (SMACK!) Daddy!
GOLDMEMBER: I am shick of thish death shit! Death is not shtalking
ush! I don't want to hear anymore shit about death shtalking us!
SEAN BATEMAN: I guess you're right, Goldmember. It was pretty silly.
(Suddenly, OJ runs through the airport, leaping over suitcases and
waiting chairs. He runs up to Sean Bateman and stabs him fifty times.
OJ throws down his glove.)
OJ: (To Goldmember) Don't worry, Man. I'm going to devote all my time
to look for the real killers.
(OJ takes out a golf club and walks away whistling.)
GOLDMEMBER: I don't believe it! Sean Bateman… DEAD!
SEAN BATEMAN: I… I'm not really dead.
GOLDMEMBER: Ah. I TOLD YOU THAT DEATH ISH SHTALKING US THING WAS
BULLSHIT!
SEAN BATEMAN: I guess you were right. I think I might actually pull
though!
(Suddenly, Margot Kidder leaps into the picture and tears Sean Bateman
limb from limb and eats him.)
GOLDMEMBER: SHWEET JESHUS!
LATER, OUTSIDE THE AIRPORT…
MEROVINGIAN: Did you kill Mulder and Scully?
ALEXIS PETROVICH: Did you get the ring?
MRS. HARRIDAN: Why are you covered in blood?
SHAUMUS O'GRADY: Did yew chust piss on yourself?
GOLDMEMBER: Fuck Mulder and Shcully!
STRUCKER: Hey, no one told me that was part of the plan!
GOLDMEMBER: Death really ish shtalking ush. We cheated it'sh plan and
now it'sh coming to kill ush in the order we were shupposed to die!
Sean Bateman wash jusht torn apart by Margot Kidder right before my
very two eyesh!
MEROVINGIAN: Merde.
ALEXIS PETROVICH: What can we do!? I don't want Margot Kidder to get
me!
MRS. HARRIDAN: Hey, what about Tony Todd?
ALEXIS PETROVICH: I don't want HIM to kill me, either!
SHAMUS O'GRADY: No, you shitte! Tony Todd knows all about death! HE
can help us!
GOLDMEMBER: Exhcellent! We will sheek out Tony Todd and he will shave
us!
MEROVINGIAN: Kinky.
MEANWHILE IN DOCTOR EVIL'S SECRET MOUNTAIN BASE!!!
CANCERMAN: It looks like Goldmember has failed.
DR. EVIL: As a character or in his mission?
CANCERMAN: BOTH! It looks like it's up to me to destroy Mulder and
Scully and get the one ring… TO RULE THEM ALL!!!
(Thunderclap)
CANCERMAN: Shitzon, take a troop of LOLAs and take down Mulder and
Scully when they get to Taiwan!
SHINZON: Shinzon.
CANCERMAN: WHAT!?
SHINZON: My name is Shin…
CANCERMAN: DON'T CORRECT ME, you little bald-nobbed twerp! GET TO
STEPPIN'!
SHINZON: Nyah!
(Shinzon runs out the door.)
CANCERMAN: Incidentally, what happened to Goldmember and the queer
squad?
DR. EVIL: He said something about death is coming… which I can only
assume means that either death or Margot Kidder is stalking them.
CANCERMAN: You don't have to be sarcastic.
(JASON and JESSE enters the frame fighting each other in the background
and fall down a shaft. The LOLA gang watch that for a bit, then go
right back to what they were doing.)
DR. EVIL: As you were saying, Cancer Man?
CANCER MAN: Because Goldmember and his team have failed. We have no
other choice but to call in outside contractors to take care of this.
DR. EVIL: So who have you called? The Empire? Hydra? The Dominion? The
700 Club?
CANCER MAN: Far more evil… I've called in… THE VERY ULTIMATE LEAGUE of
VILLAINS ASSOCIATION!
(Thunderclap)
DR. EVIL: No! Not them!
CANCER MAN: YES! Ladies and gentlemen of L.O.L.A., I give you… the
V.U.L.V.A.!!!
(In a flash of light and a puff of smoke, CHRISTOPHER WALKEN,
CHRISTOPHER LEE, BRIAN THOMPSON, JEFFERY COMBS, BRAD DOURIF, TONY TODD,
MEG FOSTER AND DANNY TREJO all walk out.)
CANCER MAN: YES! All the world's most evil character actors in one
unstoppable group!
CHRISTOPHER WALKEN: Yes… we're all in V.U.L.V.A.… Dr. Evil… And you
don't want to rub us… the wrong way… We'll find you… your one ring…
(A long pause)
CHRISTOPHER WALKEN: To rule them all… Unh!
(Thunderclap)
CHRISTOPHER WALKEN: Look at Fat Bastard… Four feet tall laying down…
Let the man buy crotchless panties! Maybe a nice flannel ensem… ble…
Look… we're a peaceful assemblage of bad guys… all races… white… black…
aliens from Star Trek… they take care of their own! You're down on your
luck… you go to the promenade… rent a holo-suite… have some Skittles…
NUMBER TWO: Oh, Mr. Walken... You never cease to scare the living shit out of me.
SCOTT EVIL: (Interrupts) Oh come on! This group sucks! All you guys did
is just get a bunch of talent that's frequently type-cast in villain
roles! They don't even have any powers!
CHRISTOPHER WALKEN: Heh… kid… you look like you need… a demonstration!
Here… we'll show you. We need… a volunteer.
FRAU FARBISSINA: Send in the VOLUNTEER!
(Everyone winces as Frau screams. MEAT LOAF from "Formula 51" walks
in.)
MEAT LOAF: Hey guys…
CHRISTOPHER WALKEN: Get him… NOW!
MEAT LOAF: GARGH!
(VULVA jump him and stab him repeatedly with sharp objects)
CANCER MAN: HOLY CRAP!
DR. EVIL: Breathtaking! Really. Good work, gentlemen! Very well
organized.
CHRISTOPHER WALKEN: Yes… V.U.L.V.A.… is known for being tight!
CANCER MAN: Now get out there and find us that ring!
(VULVA leaves.)
DR. EVIL: And who are we sending after those other two agents to get my
money?
CANCER MAN: Well, we've already sent the T-X down to find them, but in
case she fails…
SCOTT EVIL: Oh, and that could NEVER happen, could it?
CANCER MAN: We've organized a team of special operatives. They're
called the Super Covert Recon Operating Tactical Ultimate Mission
Squad!
SCOTT EVIL: The S.C.R.O.T.U.M.S.?
CANCER MAN: You've already met two of their members! Bullseye and Nick
Nolte and Shinzon… now meet their teammates! Also from "Daredevil"… The
Kingpin!
KINGPIN: 'Sup!
CANCER MAN: And also from "The Hulk", Josh Lucas!
JOSH LUCAS: You guys know my character had a name, right?
SCOTT EVIL: Eh, it's not really going to make a difference either way.
CANCER MAN: From "X2", Lady Deathstrike!
LADY DEATHSTRIKE: (Brings up claws) I am capable of healing at a rapid
rate, slicing people like watermelons and I have unbreakable bones!
DR. EVIL: Is there anything you can't do?
LADY DEATHSTRIKE: (Cries) I can't pick my nose! WHAAAAAAAAA!!!
CANCER MAN: Also from "X2", William Stryker and his son Jason!
WILLIAM STRYKER: Yes, and I'm only signing on so we can help my son…
JASON STRYKER: JASON! (Starts taking gibberish) JASON!
(Jason starts spinning around in his wheelchair.)
DR. EVIL: Excellent! And I assume because we have Nick Nolte that we'll
also have those adorable Hulk Dogs as well??
NUMBER TWO: Well, Dr. Evil… We wanted to make the Hulk dogs, but we
couldn't get any dogs in time for the experiment. But after a while we
did manage to find a guinea pig for the gamma irradiating process.
DR. EVIL: And what species did you get?
NUMBER TWO: Well, sir… We were being literal. We used the gamma
irradiating process on an *actual* guinea pig.
(We see a giant green guinea pig in a cage surrounded by wood chips and
a giant water bottle. It starts scurrying around.)
DR. EVIL: Is it ill-tempered?
NICK NOLTE: Sure. Why the fuck not?
DR. EVIL: Wonderful. Then get all your S.C.R.O.T.U.M.S. together and go
get my money!
JASON STRYKER: JASON!!!
(The S.C.R.O.T.U.M.S. leave. ZHAO from "Die Another Day" walks in.)
DR. EVIL: (To Zhao) How.
ZHAO: (Looks around, then points to himself) Zhao.
CANCER MAN: How.
ZHAO: No… Zhao!
ALOTTA FAGINA: D'oh!
ZHAO: ZHAO!
SCOTT EVIL: (Stubs toe) YOW!
ZHAO: NO! ZHAO!
NUMBER TWO: Whoa!
ZHAO: Zhao! Zhao! ZHAO!
YAO: Yao!
FRAU FARBISSINA: You! Wow!
YAO: No. (Points to self) Yao. (Points to Zhao) Zhao.
FAT BASTARD: Yo!
YODA: Da! Yo-da!
(Everyone stops. There's an awkward silence.)
MEANWHILE… IN AUSTRALIA…
(Doggett, Reyes and Alan Quatermain are in a jeep racing after Kangaroo
Jack.)
DOGGETT: Oh man! If we don't get that money, we are in wicked bad
trouble!
ALAN QUATERMAIN: Aye! I know trouble, all right! The kind of trouble
that's like getting caught on top of your mother when your bastard
daddy walks in! Ha HAW!
REYES: Wait… did you just say "wicked bad"?
DOGGETT: That's not important right now! I'm going to drive along side
the kangaroo! You reach out and grab him!
REYES: Why me? Why not have the hunter just shoot him?
DOGGETT: Because he's too busy drinking!
(They both turn to see Alan drinking a bottle of Scotch. Reyes sighs
and leans out, reaching for the kangaroo. She's reaching out further
and further and further…)
DOGGETT: Look out! Cactus!
REYES: What?
(Reyes' head smacks into a cactus)
REYES: ARGH!
DOGGETT: Look out! Stop sign!
REYES: A stop sign? In the outback???
(Reyes' head smacks into a stop sign)
REYES: GAH!
DOGGETT: Look out! Lamp post!
(Reyes' head smacks into a lamp post)
REYES: OWWW!
DOGGETT: Look out! Glass window!
(Reyes' head smacks into a glass window)
REYES: DAMMIT!
DOGGETT: Look out! Rosie Perez!
REYES: Wait… What?
ROSIE PEREZ: Hey, Billy, can you get me a glass of water?
(Reyes' head smacks into Rosie Perez)
REYES: FUCK!
DOGGETT: He's getting away! Stop being so damned lazy and grab him!
(Doggett keeps chasing after the kangaroo as Reyes keeps trying to
reach for it. They drive by the T-X who then starts watching them as
they veer around trying to catch the Kangaroo. We then cut to the T-X's
point of view.
We see her looking at Doggett. Her screen then starts whirring and a
readout pops up…)
Doggett:
Bad Boston accent.
Loves the cock.
Striking resemblance to T-1000 model.
(The T-X then looks at Reyes. Her readout pops up…)
Reyes:
Also loves the cock.
Is a second rate Diane Lane.
Likes long walks on the beach and puppies.
(The T-X then scans Alan Quatermain, her readout comes up with…)
Alan Quatermain:
Drinks heavily.
Strong pimp hand.
Partial towards 'yo momma' jokes".
(Her screen then reads…)
Possible methods of capture?
Suggested means: Procure vehicle.
Locating vehicle…
(The T-X looks around. She looks at a truck, a tank, a boat, a plane, a
car and then at a five year old boy with a lollipop on a tricycle.)
T-X: (Sweetly) I like your tricycle.
(We the cut to the T-X on the tricycle pedaling after the jeep. The
Wicked Witch theme from The Wizard of Oz is playing. She also has the
lollipop in her mouth and is covered in blood. She's gaining on
Doggett, Reyes and Quatermain.)
***********************************************************************
COMING SOON TO USA AND FOX!
Cable television's favorite dysfunctional detective teams up with
everyone's favorite counter-terrorist team in "Monk meets 24"!
(Adrian Monk is standing next to Jack Bauer in an alley. Jack looks
like hell.)
JACK BAUER: Alright, there's supposed to be a terrorist cell in this
building, but the only way we can sneak in there is by going in through
the sewers.
ADRIAN MONK: Uh… you have a button… it's undone.
JACK BAUER: So?
ADRIAN MONK: Here… let me just get it for you…
(Adrian tries fixing Jack's shirt but Jack is swatting away his hands.)
JACK BAUER: Can we just go already?
(Jack lifts the manhole cover and climbs down.)
JACK BAUER: Are you coming?
ADRIAN MONK: Uh… No.
JACK BAUER: That group has a nuclear warhead and you're willing to let
them kill people because you don't want to step in some crap?
ADRIAN MONK: No… Okay, yes.
Yes! Catch the hilarity of the team-up of an obsessive-compulsive and a
paranoid government agent! Followed by "The Mullets meet CSI"!
***********************************************************************
IN TAIWAN… OUTSIDE THE AIRPORT…
(Mulder, Scully and Gollum exit the Taiwanese airport. They get into a
rental car and drive off.)
MULDER: Ugh. I need to get something to eat. What about you guys?
SCULLY: Yeah, I could use something to eat. Is there any food in this
country that doesn't bark?
GOLLUM: I'd like some eggrolls! (Evil) I want sweet and sour pork!
(Friendly) But pork makes me gassy and I'll fart! (Evil) Does it
matter? You already smell like ass!
SCULLY: AGH! Mulder, remember when we used to investigate the unknown?
Now look at us! We're chauffeuring around a gray midget that ha MPD!
Could this get any worse???
(All of a sudden, BATGIRL is sitting in the back seat next to Gollum.
She's eating a pie.)
BATGIRL: Oh, come on guys! It could always get worse!
MULDER: HOLY POTATOES!
SCULLY: GREAT CEASAR'S SHIT!
MULDER: Batgirl? You're dead! You died back in the first LOLA
adventure!
BATGIRL: Yes! And you let me DIE! Don't you feel guilty?
(A pause)
MULDER: No. Not really.
SCULLY: Yeah, you kind of sucked.
(They look back and see it's no longer Batgirl sitting next to Gollum,
it's the SCORPION KING.)
MULDER: WHAT THE DONKEY???
SCULLY: GODDAMN!
MULDER: Scorpion King? You died back in LOLA 2!
SCORPION KING: That's right! I'm dead! And all of you are responsible.
You know you're all going to die, right? All of you… dead, dead, DEAD!
Neener neener neener! Nyah nyah nyah-yah!
MULDER: (To Scully) Okay, this is getting a bit weird.
SCULLY: (To Mulder) Oh, piecing things together finally, numbnuts?
(They look back to see it's now ANAKIN SKYWALKER sitting with Gollum.
There is a woodpecker pecking away at Anakin's head.)
ANAKIN SKYWALKER: Don't you think it's all a bit pointless that you
guys are doing this. You might as well give us the ring now!
SCULLY: Wait! Hold on! I've figured it out! This isn't Batgirl, the
Scorpion King or Anakin… it's that lame-ass bad guy from "Buffy the
Vampire Slayer", The First Evil!
MULDER: What?
(The First now looks like Bruce Willis from "The Sixth Sense".)
THE FIRST EVIL: That's right. I am dead people!
SCULLY: (To Mulder) Yeah, he's just some dick-monkey that just stands
around, taunting people and doesn't do much besides look like other
dead people.
THE FIRST EVIL: Hey! I'm not lame!
MULDER: Well, someone shoot him!
SCULLY: Pfft. He's not even tangible. He can't do shit! Watch!
(Scully takes out the one ring… TO RULE THEM ALL! And then starts
waving it in front of The First's face.)
SCULLY: Hey, Firsty! Look at the pwetty widdle ring! Dontcha wannit?
Can't have it! Want it? Can't have it! Want it? Can't have it!
(Scully keeps waving the ring an inch away from the First. He keeps
motioning like he's going to try and grab it, but Scully keeps yanking
the ring away.)
SCULLY: KEEP AWAY!
(Scully, Mulder and Gollum start tossing the ring to one another,
keeping it out of the First's reach. The First then starts crying
hysterically.)
MULDER: Great. So we're stuck with an intangible cry-baby and a midget
gone the way of Sybil! Let's just get this bitch to Mount Doom so we
can go home.
(They continue to drive off. A black van with a license plate that says
"VULVA" follows after them.)
MEANWHILE… IN HOLLYWOOD…
(Goldmember, Merovingian, Mrs. Harridan, Shamus O'Grady, Alexis
Petrovich and Strucker are on the set of a sound stage. Several
teamsters are moving around pieces of the set.)
GOLDMEMBER: Okay, thish is where Tony Todd wash last sheen. Here on the
shet of "Charmed" doing a guesht shpot.
MEROVINGIAN: Zut alors! Will we manage to find him in time?
SHAMUS O'GRADY: Aye! We all have to hope the bastard is here!
(They walk up to ALYSSA MILANO, HOLLY MARIE COMBS and ROSE MCGOWAN.)
MRS. HARRIDAN: Hello, young ladies, I'm hoping you could help us. We're
looking for an actor that was supposed to be here. His name is Tony
Todd.
ALYSSA MILANO: Oh, he came in for his scenes, but he had to leave a
while ago. He left with Christopher Walken and a group of other guys.
STRUCKER: Dammit! We just missed him!
ROSE MCGOWAN: I dated Marilyn Manson! Dolphins taste like BLUE! DURRRR!
HOLLY MARIE COMBS: Quiet! Or it's back in the cage for you!
ALEXIS PETROVICH: Now what do we do? Try and follow him? Death is
following us! We'll never make it! Game over man! Game over!
(Goldmember grabs Alexis and starts slapping him repeatedly.)
GOLDMEMBER: Calm down! We'll be fine! We're going to make it sho long
ash we shtick together!
MEROVINGIAN: But we're out in the open! Anything can set off a rube
golberg-ian set of chain events that will only end when one of us is
dead! One of those teamsters over there can drop one of those pieces of
backdrops to the set, which will fall on the craft services table,
tipping it over and sending the utensils flying into the air, where the
knives strike some cables holding up the lights, sending those crashing
down onto my head, electrocuting me instantly!!!
(There's a long pause as everyone stands around. Nothing happens.)
MEROVINGIAN: Well, I guess I was wrong. Whew!
(All of a sudden, SHANNEN DOHERTY pounces from out of nowhere and
starts mauling Merovingian, ripping his throat out with her teeth,
killing him. She then starts hissing at the group, with blood all over
her face.)
ALYSSA MILANO: Oh my God! IT'S DOHERTY! SHE'S BACK FOR REVENGE! RUN!!!!
GOLDMEMBER: RUN AWAY!!!
EVERYONE: RUN AWAY!!!
(Goldmember, Mrs. Harridan, Shamus O'Grady, Alexis Petrovich and
Strucker bolt for it as Doherty starts ripping apart Milano, Combs and
McGowan. Several animal control specialists come out and start tazering
Doherty until they put her in a large box with holes in it. They run
outside.)
GOLDMEMBER: Holy shit! I can't believe that jusht happened!
MRS. HARRIDAN: Yeah, at least we should be safe until the next scene a
while from now, right?
SHAMUS O'GRADY: Aye. These things seem to be spaced out, like some kind
of… pattern!
(They all nod to one another. All of a sudden, MARTIN LAWRENCE runs out
from outta nowhere in only his underwear with a gun in his hand. He
then starts beating Mrs. Harridan to death with the gun.)
MARTIN LAWRENCE: Dammmmmmmmmmn Ginaaaaaaa! WHAZZUP? Go into the light!
But awwww mannnnn even the light is white!!!! Runteldat!
(Martin Lawrence runs off…)
ALEXIS PETROVICH: Holy SHIT! Did you see that!?
GOLDMEMBER: Okay, that wash weird!
MEANWHILE… AT SKINNER'S OFFICE…
(Skinner is at his desk. He's reading several reports.)
SKINNER: My god… V.U.L.V.A. is after Mulder, Scully and Gollum, with
the First also there! Doggett, Reyes and Quatermain have the T-X and
the S.C.R.O.T.U.M.S. after them! This is out of control! It's like some
bad annual storyline that's being written by two people throwing as
much crap at a wall as they can, while praying it sticks! Something has
to be done! Someone has to rise above it all and take action, leading
the charge and evening the odds! Balancing the scales between good and
evil!
(A pause. Suddenly the intercom buzzes.)
SKINNER: Yes?
SECRETARY: The pizza guy is here with your lunch!
SKINNER: AWESOME! Send him in, fignuts!!! LUNCH BREAK!
(The secretary opens the door and the Pizza Guy comes in. As he walks
in, we see Jesse and Jason still fighting in the background of the
office. Jason strangles Jesse with a phone cord while Jesse takes the
receiver and starts beating Jason over the head with it.)
(Back in the outback, Allan Quartermain, Reyes, and Doggett are still
driving in the jeep looking for Kangaroo Jack. The T-X is peddling
behind them on the tricyle as the Wicked Witch theme continues to
play.)
REYES: It's no use! That kangaroo has outsmarted us all. He must be
some kind of super-kangaroo like Captain Kangaroo or something. That's
it… the money is gone and we're never going to find it. Never, ever,
ever, never, ever, never, never, never.
DOGGETT: There he is!
(Kangaroo Jack is licking his balls on the side of the road.)
ALLAN QUARTERMAIN: No more Mr. Nice Guy. I'm going to flatten that
hopping bastard just like Doggett's mother flattened me when she
climbed atop my John Thomas!
DOGGETT: Yeah… HEY! Dammit, I'm getting sick of the jokes at my
mother's expense! Could you PLEASE get off my mother!?
ALLAN QUARTERMAIN: Sure, I just GOT OFF YOUR MOTHER LAST NIGHT!
DOGGETT: YOU SON OF A BITCH!!!
(Dogget goes to punch Allan Quartermain. They start fighting and, of
course, veer off the road and into the T-X, knocking her off her
tricycle and off a cliff. Kangaroo Jack watches them as they drive
into a tree and then hops away.)
(At the bottom of the cliff, the T-X pulls herself out of a crater and
looks around.)
T-X: Shit.
(Not far away, JEFF CORWIN is wrangling up a Crocodile.)
JEFF CORWIN: This Crocodile is GEORGOUS! She's already eaten my wife
and doggie, but that's what predators do… they EAT other animals! Oh,
this baby is so pretty, so beautiful… (He starts taking his pants off)
and, as long as no one's around, I think I'll just…
(A shadow overtakes him. He looks up to see the T-X.)
T-X: (Sweetly) I like your crocodile.
(Back at the crash site, Doggett, Reyes, and Allan Quartermain pull
themselves out of the wreck.)
ALLAN QUARTERMAIN: I haven't felt that bad since Doggett's mother
leaped on me with no warning saying, "Molest me like my husband does
our little boy, Doggett!"
REYES: Well, it couldn't get much worse.
(They look up and see Bullseye, Shinzon, Kingpin, Nick Nolte, the Hulk
Guinea Pig, Josh Lucas, Lady Deathstrike, Stryker and Jason Stryker
standing there ready to kick their ass.)
KINGPIN: It can always get worse, dog. Now you have to handle the
S.C.R.O.T.U.M.!
REYES: Kingpin, you're hanging out with S.C.R.O.T.U.M.?
KINGPIN: Until yesterday, I was a member of Partnership of Underworld
Bald Elgalitarian Sickos and, before that, I was a member of the
Pennsylvania Elected Neighborhood Independent Street-crime sector.
DOGGETT: So you went from P.E.N.I.S. to P.U.B.E.S. to S.C.R.O.T.U.M.?
ALLAN QUARTERMAIN: Ah, just the order your mother went last night!
LADY DEATHSTRIKE: Enough of this! It's time to take S.C.R.O.T.U.M.
out into the open! ATTACK!
(Lady Deathstrike goes to attack, but slips on a pile of Kangaroo shit
and impales herself in the head with her own claws. Josh Lucan trips
over her and lands on a giant red-ant bed where he is eaten alive.)
SHINZON: Well, this is off to a great start.
(Shinzon takes out a phaser and aims it at the good guys. Bullseye
snatches it away from him.)
BULLSEYE: Give me that! I never miss!
SHINZON: Bullseye, you're pointing it the wrong…
(Bullseye vaporizes himself.)
SHINZON: …way.
REYES: Well, I've got to hand it to him… He didn't miss!
SHINZON: Enough of this! We're going to all get killed before we even
throw a punch! Nolte! Sic the Hulk Guinea Pig on them! Nolte?
Nolte!
(Notle is lying dead on the ground from an overdose and having choked
on his own vomit.)
SHINZON: SHIT! Sic 'em, Hulk Guinea Pig!
(The Hulk Guinea Pig leaps foreword, but before he can strike Richard
Gere suddenly leaps into frame, grabs the Hulk Guinea Pig, and stuffs
it up his own ass.)
RICHARD GERE: ARMAGEDDON!!!
(He walks away.)
SHINZON: What the hell was…?
STRYKER: Not to worry, it's time to release the ultimate weapon… MY
SON!
JASON STRYKER: JASON!
Jason wheels towards them. Doggett, Reyes, and Allan Quartermain reel
in horror.
DOGGETT: HOLY SHIT ON A STICK! There's no way we can fight that!
It's TOO POWERFUL!
ALLAN QUARTERMAIN: Like the stench from your mother's nether regions!
REYES: Not to worry! I took the liberty of rigging this signaling
devise to call in help if we need it!
DOGGETT: Aw, SWEET! Who!?
REYES: Only the greatest slayer who ever lived!
ALLAN QUARTERMAIN: Buffy?
DOGGETT: Faith?
KINGPIN: Kendra?
REYES: No, not them…
DOGGETT: Then who? (A beat) Oh no…
KENNEDY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER leaps out from behind a bush.
KENNEDY: Hi everyone! I can tie my own shoes! DURRRRRRRRR!
EVERYONE: Aw, shit.
STRYKER: Just what we need… Jason, take care of this carpet munching
bitch!
JASON STRYKER: JASON!
REYES: CRIPPLE FIGHT!!!
(Kennedy and Jason Stryker run full speed at each other. They get
closer, and closer, and closer, and closer, until they hit each other
and the scene is obscures by a white flash and smoke.)
DOGGETT: Did we win?
(The smoke clears to reveal Kennedy lying on the ground with tire marks
over her. Jason Stryker turns his wheelchair around, but has a
blowout, flips over twenty times, and then gets hit by a truck.
Dogget, Reyes, and Allan Quartermain look at Stryker, Shinzon, and the
Kingpin.)
DOGGET: Looks like S.C.R.O.T.U.M. has shriveled up a bit.
REYES: Yeah, I can't believe you guys let the S.C.R.O.T.U.M. be so
vulnerable!
SHINZON: I have HAD IT with you people! We're going to kill you if
it's the LAST THING WE DO!
(Dogget pulls out a gun and shoots them all dead.)
REYES: Couldn't you have done that five minutes ago?
(Suddenly, the T-X shows up riding a crocodile.)
ALLAN QUARTERMAIN: Who's the bird?
(The T-X starts shooting at them! Doggett shoots back, but the T-X is
impervious to his bullets.)
DOGGETT: Oh, SHIT! Now what!?
(An SUV pulls up next to them. Inside is THE CROCODILE HUNTER from THE
CROCODILE HUNTER: COLLISON COURSE!!!)
CROCODILE HUNTER: Come with me if you want to live.
(Reyes, Doggett, and Quartermain pile into the vehicle. The SUV pulls
away, but the T-X is in hot pursuit as her crocodile gallops like a
horse.)
REYES: She's gaining on us!
CROCODILE HUNTER: Quickly! Throw out anything heavy so we can go
faster!
(The gang starts throwing out animal wrangling gear, television
equipment, S&M gear, a kitchen sink, a killer whale, and The Crocodile
Hunter's damn dog.)
DOGGETT: She's still coming!
ALLAN QUARTERMAIN: Just like your mother from the last time I fucked
her!
REYES: There's nothing left to throw out!
(They throw the Crocodile Hunter out.)
CROCODILE HUNTER: CRICKEY!
(The crocodile devours the Crocodile Hunter. The SUV finally starts
pulling away and drives off into the distance leaving the T-X behind.)
MEANWHILE, IN DOCTOR EVIL'S SECRET HIDEOUT!!!
DR. EVIL: It appears your S.C.R.O.T.U.M. has gone bust, my chain-
smoking colleague.
CANCERMAN: It was my fault… at one point, the group had fifty members,
but after consideration… I was forced to shave my S.C.R.O.T.U.M.
drastically. Budget cuts, of course.
DR. EVIL: Of course… Well, what now?
NUMBER TWO: Excuse me, Doctor Evil… I have a suggestion. As you know,
when we first cloned you, we came up with Mini-Me – a clone 1/8th you're
your original size, correct?
DR. EVIL: Yes.
NUMBER TWO: And then, we did the same thing to Darth Maul… we made a
clone of him 1/8th his size and named him Mini-Maul.
DR. EVIL: Uh-huh.
NUMBER TWO: Then came our second attempt to clone Darth Maul, his full-
sized country-singing clone, Darth Brooks.
DR. EVIL: Yes.
NUMBER TWO: And, most recently, we make a clone of you that was eight
times your normal sizes called Maxi-Me.
DR. EVIL: I'm not friggin' stupid, okay? I was there! What is your
point!?
NUMBER TWO: My point is, that we went back to the drawing board and
came up with an… interesting cloning method you should find very
interesting.
(Mini-Me tightens up at the thought of another retarded clone. Number
Two hands Dr. Evil the research. Dr. Evil looks intrigued.)
DR. EVIL: Intriguing. When can you begin?
NUMBER: Soon enough.
DR. EVIL: That's not soon enough! GO! GO! GO!
(Doctor Evil snaps a whip at him.)
(MEANWHILE, IN TAIWAN, Scully, Mulder, Gollum, and The First are
driving around. The first has taken the form of Nuclear Man from
Superman IV.)
NUCLEAR MAN: Can I have the ring now?
SCULLY: Sure!
NUCLEAR MAN: Really?
SCULLY: No.
NUCLEAR MAN: You guys are making a big mistake. Can't you see how
EVIL I am!? I…
(Mulder takes a pencil and sticks it into The First's ear. It comes
out the other side. Mulder takes it in and out.)
MULDER: Winky! Winky! Winky!
NUCLEAR MAN: STOP THAT!!!
SCULLY: All right, Gollum, we're here in Taiwan. Which way to Mount
Doom.
GOLLUM: (Evil) I'm never telling you! (Good) Oh, come on! Be nice!
(Evil) FUCK YOU, YOU ASS-RAMMING UNCLE-FUCKER! (Good) Take a left up
here on Shire Street. (Evil) You… BASTARD! I told you not to tell
them! (Good) We must help the masters, we… (English accent) Well, if
you want my opinion, I… (Evil) YOU stay out of this, you limey dink!
MULDER: We should go get something to eat so we can have dinner and a
show. First, you want something?
(The First now looks like that little bastard from The Mummy Returns)
LITTLE BASTARD: Yeah, I'd like…
MULDER: Ha, ha, ha! I was just kidding because you can't eat anything
on account of you being intangible and stuff, fag!
SCULLY: Oh, come on, Mulder… Be nice! We could at least get him some…
ONION RINGS! (Starts dangling the ring in front of The First. The First
grabs for it, but it keeps going through his hands.) Who wants a ring?
Who wants a ring!?
(Everyone laughs. The First starts crying.)
LITTLE BASTARD: I HATE YOU GUYS!
(They pull into a Kentucky Fried Cat and get out. They all look at the
sign.)
MULDER: I'm sure it's just a figure of speech.
(They walk inside and up to the counter where MEG FOSTER from
V.U.L.V.A. is waiting.)
MEG FOSTER: Hello, welcome to Kentucky Fried Cat. How may we help you?
SCULLY: I was wondering if… (Sees Meg Foster's creepy eyes. Reacts in
horror) OH GOD!
MEG FOSTER: What?
SCULLY: I'm sorry, it's just that your eyes are a little… (Sees her
eyes again) OH GOD!
(Mulder walks up.)
MULDER: Scully, ask if they have anything besides… (Sees Meg Foster)
OH GOD!
MEG FOSTER: WHAT!?
MULDER: Holy crap, that's creepy.
(Gollum walks up.)
GOLLUM: Gollum wants a large bucket of fried kittens and… (Sees Meg
Foster) OH GOD!
(The First appears looking like Akasha from Queen of the Damned.)
AKASHA: Look, can you at least let me smell your food, and I… OH GOD!
(Meg Foster is crying.)
MEG FOSTER: YOU BASTARDS! PREPARE TO EXPERIENCE THE HORROR OF
V.U.L.V.A.!
MULDER: Ew… Can't we eat first?
(Meg Foster takes out a bazooka and fires it at them. They duck out of
the way, but the blast destroys the street gang from Tomb Raider 2.
Mulder, Scully, and Gollum take cover.)
SCULLY: What the hell is up with THIS!?
(The first appears in the form of BONES from BONES (obviously).)
BONES: Dig this forizzle. Dah V.U.L.V.A is a group of hella-evil
character actors.
SCULLY: Shit! I remember reading about them! It's a very exclusive
organization. Many have tried to get inside the V.U.L.V.A. and failed!
MULDER: I'm not familiar with the V.U.L.V.A..
SCULLY: That doesn't surprise me, Mulder. We've got to get out of
here!
MULDER: I have an idea!
(Mulder leaps out from behind the table and slaps a cat suit on Meg
Foster. Meg Foster screeches as a cook grabs her and throws her into
the deep fryer.)
Mulder: (dusts hands off) That was easy.
(A wall explodes and Christopher Walken, Christopher Lee, Brian
Thompson, Jeffery Combs, Brad Dourif, Tony Todd, and Danny Trejo enter.
Meg Foster pulls herself out of the deep fryer unharmed.)
CHRISTOPHER LEE: You cannot possibly destroy the V.U.L.V.A.. You may
slam it all you want, but the V.U.L.V.A. will remain untouched!
CHRISTOPHER WALKEN: Now It's… time for you to die in all kinds of… bad
ways. Horrible… pointy… bad ways. Ugh! I should have won the Oscah!
MULDER: We're doomed!
VOICE: Not quite!
(Bruce Campbell leaps out of the air conditioning ducts. He's dressed
up as Ash complete with chainsaw arm.)
BRUCE CAMPBELL: Groovy.
MULDER: Holy Shiatsu! It's Bruce Campbell!
BRUCE CAMPBELL: That's right! Skinner called me and told me V.U.L.V.A.
was back in town! That means it's a job for T.A.I.N.T.!
SCULLY: You mean Talented Actors Investigating Numerous Terrors?
BRUCE CAMPBELL: None other! And I've brought my own team! T.A.I.N.T.
members! Front and center!
(JOHNNY DEPP, LORENZO LAMAS, DAVID CARRADINE, MARK DECASCOS, KEVIN
SORBO, LANCE HENRIKSEN and JERI RYAN all enter.)
MULDER: (whispers) I guess "Talent" isn't as much a requirement to get
in as much as the team name suggests.
SCULLY: Shh!
BRUCE CAMPBELL: We're here to help get V.U.L.V.A. off your back and
make sure you get that ring to Mount Doom!
(A massive brawl between V.U.L.V.A. and T.A.I.N.T. breaks out.)
SCULLY: My God, Mulder! We're caught between the T.A.I.N.T. and the
V.U.L.V.A.!
MULDER: I know. It's not nearly as sexy as I'd imagined!
SCULLY: We've got to get out of here!
GOLLUM: (Nice) But shouldn't we try and help? (Naughty) NO! Fuck them!
Let them kill each other! (Nice) But I like Jeri Ryan! She has big…
(Naughty) She was in Dracula 2000! (Nice) Never mind. Let's go!
(Mulder, Scully, Gollum and The First start scrambling for the door.
David Carradine has just karate chopped Brad Dourif to death, Danny
Trejo has stabbed Kevin Sorbo to pieces, Johnny Depp is beating Brian
Thompson over the head with Lorenzo Lamas and Jeri Ryan and Meg Foster
are catfighting. Mulder and the gang are almost to the door when Bruce
Campbell staggers up to them.)
BRUCE CAMPBELL: My god… this is brutal!
MULDER: Yeah that usually happens when Jason and Jesse work together.
BRUCE CAMPBELL: We're taking so many losses! But not without taking
some of those bastards with us!
SCULLY: Yeah, great. We gotta go…
BRUCE CAMPBELL: Don't worry about us! We'll find a way to go on!
MULDER: Terrific.
BRUCE CAMPBELL: Just promise me that you guys will get that ring to its
destination!
SCULLY: Yep. We gotta move though…
BRUCE CAMPBELL: We have to do our part! For all the kids and families
out there!
MULDER: SHUT UP AND MOVE!
BRUCE CAMPBELL: If it takes every fiber of my being, we'll make sure
that the good guys win!
(Scully pulls out a gun and shoots Bruce Campbell)
MULDER: Scully! You just shot one of the good guys!
SCULLY: Sorry, Mulder. The scenery couldn't take much more chewing.
Let's go!
(Mulder, Scully, Gollum and The First rush out leaving VULVA and TAINT
battling one another. Mulder then rushes back in to grab his order of
Kentucky Fried Cat.)
MEANWHILE… IN AUSTRALIA…
(Kangaroo Jack is licking his own asshole. Allan Quatermain, Doggett
and Reyes are watching him as they hide in some shrubs. Doggett is
holding a rifle.)
REYES: I can't believe we didn't think of this! We just hide in some
bushes and shoot that kangaroo and then get back our money!
ALLAN QUATERMAIN: Aye. Hiding in bushes. Kind of like me and Doggett's
mother!
DOGGETT: Goddammit! Would you knock it off!
ALLAN QUATERMAIN: Settle down, little girl! You're never going to make
that shot if you don't concentrate!
DOGGETT: (Brings up the rifle and aims it at Jack) Okay, I'm aiming.
Now I just fire?
ALLAN QUATERMAIN: No! You've got to feel the shot. You've got to know
when it's just right! It's like a tribesman from Zimbabwe told me. "ca-
caw ca-caw tookie tookie!"
(A pause)
DOGGETT: And what does that mean?
ALLAN QUATERMAIN: I don't know, but your mother's a whore. HAW HAW!
Take your shot!
(Doggett aims, then is about to fire, when all of a sudden…)
KENNEDY: Hey guys! What's up?
DOGGETT: GAH! FUCKSIES!
(Doggett fires off in a completely different direction, the gunshot
noise scaring off Jack. Meanwhile… at a meeting between a high-powered
Hollywood executive and Justin Guarini…)
HOLLYWOOD EXEC: (Holds up a contract) And once you sign here, Justin.
Our deal will be complete and you'll be a big time movie star! We'll
make sure that your face is everywhere and that you're doing at least
three pictures a year!
JUSTIN GUARINI: Awesome!
(Justin signs the contract, only for the stray bullet to crash through
the window and strike him dead right there.)
HOLLYWOOD EXEC: Oh my God! He's dead! (pause) Eh. We can still hold up
our end of the bargain. Worked when we did it for Matthew Perry.
(Justin Guarini's hair leaps off his head and strangles the exec.
Back to Quatermain, Doggett, Reyes and the now-alive Kennedy)
DOGGETT: But… you're dead! You died several pages ago!
KENNEDY: Willow brought me back! I have a tongue ring! DURRRR!
REYES: I always knew Willow was still evil!
DOGGETT: Well, how the hell are we supposed to catch that kangaroo and
not get killed by that Terminatrix??
REYES: Maybe if one of us goes off like bait, leading the Terminatrix
away!
DOGGETT: Come on, that's stupid! (pauses) Wait, can we send Faith-lite
here to be the distraction?
REYES: Oh sure.
KENNEDY: Some day, they're going to give me a spin-off! DURRRR!
ALLAN QUATERMAIN: (To Doggett and Reyes) If she needs a slap, I'll be
more than happy to give her one!
DOGGETT: Okay, go!
(Doggett, Reyes and Quatermain run off in one direction while Kennedy,
being the imbecile that she is, runs off after them. The T-X then shows
up and starts chasing her. For some reason, the "Benny Hill" theme
starts playing as we see them all chasing one another. Kangaroo Jack is
being chased by Doggett who's being chased by Reyes who's being chased
by Allan Quatermain who's being chased by Kennedy who's being chased by
the Terminatrix who's being chased by two English police officers.
Everyone's running all over the place until they all start chasing one
another around a tree. They go around and around in circles until they
break away and we see The Terminatrix is being chased by Kennedy who's
being chased by Allan Quatermain who's being chased by Kangaroo Jack
who's being chased by Doggett and Reyes who're being chased by the two
English police officers. Doggett runs off to the side and puts a
lampshade over his head and pulls the string, turning on a light. The
police officers run right by him. Reyes puts a lampshade over her head
and pulls the string, lighting up her boobs. The police officers stop,
start staring and giggling. Quatermain stops running only for Kennedy
to bump into him. Quatermain starts slapping her on the head repeatedly
before or running off. Kennedy then turns around to see the Terminatrix
standing there. Kennedy slaps the T-X on the head repeatedly. The T-X
does nothing until…)
T-X: (Smiles) I like your tongue ring.
(The T-X rips off Kennedy's head. The music starts again…)
MEANWHILE… AT DR. EVIL'S LAIR!
(Dr. Evil and the gang are sitting around.)
CANCER MAN: All right, since most of our groups seem to be an utter
clusterfuck we've called in some more LOLA'S!
DR. EVIL: Excellent! Show them in!
CANCER MAN: From "Buffy the Vampire Slayer", we have Caleb!
CALEB: Girls are icky-poo-poo!
CANCER MAN: From "Insomnia" and "One Hour Photo" we have Robin
Williams!
ROBIN WILLIAMS: (Talking fast) Well, what'd we have here? GOOD MORNING
VIETNAM! It looks like a convention of people that have a fixation on
Mr. Happy and he's going (weird raspy voice) "try the red wine!"
(Normal voice) And the kids are going (High voice) No, no, daddy,
daddy! I want a Harry Potter doll! (Normal voice) And the minister is
going YESSSSSS!! And John Wayne is sitting over there goin' (John Wayne
voice) Well don't just sit there, grab a big fat bag of crack! (Normal
voice) And then…
CANCER MAN: Stop! Okay! We get it! We get it! We also brought in…
(The Toymaker from Spy Kids 3-D)
TOYMAKER: Yo! I am the law! ADRIANNNNNNN!!!!
SCOTT EVIL: You guys brought in Sylvester Stallone??
CANCER MAN: Actually, no. He was just hanging around outside and
wandered in. But hey, we'll take what we can get! Also, right over
there in that specially marked area is Jack Ferriman from "Ghost Ship",
Bill Paxton from "Frailty" and Rathbone from "Shanghai Knights".
DR. EVIL: Why are they in that area?
NUMBER TWO: Well, that's where we're going to test our new weapon.
Remember I mentioned our cloning techniques? Well, here it is!
(A door opens, smoke pours out and out walks… Mini-Me.)
DR. EVIL: Mini-Me? But we already know about him!
NUMBER TWO: Just watch!
(Mini-Me walks over to Ferriman, Paxton and Rathbone.)
BILL PAXTON: You ain't a demon, are ya?
(Mini-Me grabs Rathbone by the hoo-hah. Black metallic goo starts
spreading over him until Rathbone is covered in it. Seconds later,
Rathbone is small, bald and is a dead ringer for Mini-Me.)
DR. EVIL: He can clone himself!
(Mini-Me grabs Ferriman and does the same to him, before grabbing
Paxton and changing him as well.)
BILL PAXTON: Game over, man! Game over!
(Mini-Me is now standing next to three more Mini-Me's.)
DR. EVIL: Why, with this process, he can make… millions of himself!
(Does the pinky thing) I shall call them… Mini-Millions!!!
(Lightning crash!)
MEANWHILE… ELSEWHERE IN TAIWAN…
(Shamus O'Grady, Alexis Petrovich, Strucker and Goldmember walk into
the fast food joint that everyone was fighting in earlier. It looks
like a war zone.)
GOLDMEMBER: Holy shit! It looksh like a blood bath in here!
SHAMUS: This was the last place Tony Todd was spotted! If he's dead!
We're all screwed and certain to die!
ALEXIS: No, I think he's still alive. I don't see his body anywhere! We
still have a chance!
STRUCKER: So long as death hasn't caught up to us. He could be
anywhere! Strike us at any time!
SHAMUS: Easy for you to say! You're not next like me!
(Shamus leans on a counter only for a cat to leap out from the kitchen
and start attacking his head!)
SHAMUS: AHHHH! Cat on my head! Cat on my head!
ALEXIS: I've got it!
(Alexis swings a frying pan at the cat, swatting it off Shamus, but the
cat runs between Alexis' legs, tripping him sending him towards a knife
on the floor.)
STRUCKER: I've got you!
(Strucker catches Alexis, but then slips on a ketchup packet sending
him falling backwards towards a flight of stairs. The cat has now
jumped up to a chandelier.)
GOLDMEMBER: I'll shave you!
(Goldmember saves Strucker from falling. But suddenly, the chandelier
the cat is hanging from starts to come crashing down.)
SHAMUS: Out of the way!
(Shamus pushes Goldmember out of the way, sending the chandelier
crashing to the ground, harming no one.)
GOLDMEMBER: That wash closhe! Hey, since Alexish saved your life,
you're now skipped over!
SHAMUS: Hey! You're right!
ALEXIS: Wait! But I was saved by Strucker! So I'm skipped also!
STRUCKER: Hold on! I'm skipped too since Goldmember saved me!
GOLDMEMBER: Oh! So shince Shamus saved me…
SHAMUS: Fuck! It skips him and I'm STILL next!
(There's a long pause as nothing happens.)
SHAMUS: Hey! Nothing's happening! I might be all right!
(Suddenly, a car crashes through the fast food place and runs over
Shamus. The car stops and HALLE BERRY gets out.)
HALLE BERRY: (Hysterical) Oh my god! I crashed my new CAR!!! I just had
it detailed too!!!
(We see an Oscar on the hood as an ornament.)
GOLDMEMBER: You jusht killed…
HALLE BERRY: Don't interrupt me!!! I've still got so much to say!!!
(A long pause)
HALLE BERRY: I didn't do nothin'! I ain't seen shit either!
(Halle rushes into her car, starts it and races off, backing over
Shamus one last time. Goldmember, Alexis and Strucker look at each
other, then hurry off. Jesse and Jason then continue to fight their way
through the fast food place.)
JESSE: Ferriman from "Ghost Ship"? What the hell were you thinking? No
one saw that movie!
JASON: Like you're much better? "Mini-Millions"??? You pipe-hitting
ass-mongrel!
JESSE: I WILL DOWNSIZE YOUR FACE WITH A SHOVEL!
JASON: I WILL FORCE A SPEAKER MAGNET INTO YOUR RECTUM AND THROW YOU
BUTT-FIRST INTO A PILE OF NAILS!
(They continue to fight.)
***********************************************************************
COMING SOON TO THEATERS NEAR YOU…
FROM PARAMOUNT PICTURES…
STAR TREK: THE SEARCH FOR ONE-EYED WILLY!
(CAPTAIN PICARD walks up to the bridge crew)
PICARD: All right everyone, I'd like to introduce our newest
crewmember: Mr. Data!
RIKER: But, Data died back in "Nemesis"!
PICARD: This is a totally different Data, number one.
(DATA from "The Goonies" comes out.)
DATA: I come up with new invention! We no need no Phasers! We got this!
(Data flicks a switch on his belt and a boxing glove shoots out and
punches Riker in the balls. Riker goes down crying in a heap as Data
pulls the glove back.)
PICARD: Very good, Mr. Data! You can have his chair!
Data takes his seat.
STAR TREK: THE SEARCH FOR ONE-EYED WILLY! COMING THIS FALL BECAUSE
"ENTERPRISE" JUST WON'T CUT IT!
***********************************************************************
(Out back in the outback… Allan Quartermaine, Doggett, and Reyes are
walking through a wheatfield.)
DOGGETT: I think we lost her.
REYES: Hey, look! It's a crop circle!
(The look and, sure enough, they are standing right in the middle of a
huge crop circle.)
REYES: What could it mean?
DOGGETT: It could be a signpost… a way for ships to know where to
attack. It could be some form of communication… or the trail of mating
beavers.
(We get a look at the crop circle from higher up. It's actually the
"O" in a message that reads: "FOR A GOOD TIME CALL DOGGETT'S MOM 1-800-
FAT-SLUT")
ALLAN QUARTERMAIN: I guess we'll never now, my friends. I guess we'll
never know. HAW, HAW, HAW!
DOGGETT: What's so funny?
ALLAN QUARTERMAIN: Nothing.
REYES: You know… I never thought of this, but we were supposed to
deliver the money to one of Doctor Evil's henchmen, right?
DOGGETT: Yep.
REYES: So, where is this henchman? Why isn't he or she looking for us?
(Doggett's cell phone rings.)
ALLAN QUARTERMAIN: If that's your mother, tell her I'm far too busy for
her to give me a blow job!
DOGGETT: Don't be retarded!
ALLAN QUARTERMAIN: Not until she fixes those teeth! It's like sticking
my dick in a garbage disposal! The Black and Decker Pecker Wrecker!
HAAAAAAAAAAAW, HAW, HAW, HAW!
(Doggett answers the phone.)
DOGGETT: KROX is my favorite radio station with continuous classics and
fun!
KIEFER SUTHERLAND'S VOICE: You hear and phone ringing and you pick it
up. What are the odds of that?
DOGGETT: Pretty good, I would say. I mean, it's my phone.
KIEFER SUTHERLAND: Right now I have a high powered rifle aimed at your…
PHONE: BEEP BEEP!
DOGGETT: Hold on, I have another call.
KIEFER SUTHERLAND: If you hang up, I will ki—
DOGGETT: (presses button) Hello? Mom? I'm in the… What? No, I…
(Sigh) He says he's too busy and that your mouth is like a garbage
disposal. All right, bye! (Presses button) Hello?
KIEFER SUTHERLAND: What? Oh, you're back!
DOGGETT: Yeah, sorry about that. Now, you have a high-powered what?
KIEFER SUTHERLAND: I have a high powered rifle aimed at your…
(The T-X appears out of the wheat field.)
TX: You are terminated.
(Doggett hands the phone to TX)
Doggett: It's for you.
(TX takes the phone as Doggett, Reyes, and Allan Quartermain run away
like pussies.)
TX: Hello?
KEIFER SUTHERLAND: I have a high-powered rifle aimed at your head and
if you hang up, I will kill you.
(The TX hangs up and suddenly; a bullet hits her in the head. She
looks around, calculates the bullet's origin and walks towards it.)
(Keifer Sutherland is hunkered down in the bushes. His cell phone
rings.)
KEIFER SUTHERLAND: What's that? A nuclear bomb in Los Angeles? I'll
be there shortly! Where have I been? What I do in my free time is
none of your business, young lady! I…
(A shadow overtakes him. He looks up and sees the TX.)
TX: (Smiles sweetly) I like your voice.
(SPLAT!)
(Meanwhile in front of the outback, THE TWINS from The Matrix Reloaded
are waiting.)
TWIN 1: Looks like we're not going to get our money.
TWIN 2: We are getting perturbed.
TWIN 1: Indeed we are.
TWIN 2: We have not received the one hundred billion dollars.
TWIN 1: Therefore we should go… GET it.
TWIN 2: Indeed.
TWIN 1: Let's go.
TWIN 2: Okay.
TWIN 1: Let's take the Honda Element.
(Twin 2 is silent.)
TWIN 1: What is wrong?
TWIN 2: I'd rather give head on national television than ride in a
Honda Element.
TWIN 1: Fine… we won't go in the element.
(MEANWHILE, BACK IN TAIWAN!)
MULDER: Scully, can we pull over? I think I've got a sour stomach.
SCULLY: That's what you get for eating a whole bucket of Hot n' Tangy
Tabby from Kentucky Fried Cat.
MULDER: (Farts) SCULLY, IT'S A MEDICAL EMERGENCY!!!
GOLLUM: Please! Let me go! Let him go!
(The First Evil looks like Imhotep from The Mummy)
IMHOTEP: Please, for the love of GOD! I'm intangible and even my eyes
are watering!
(Scully pulls into a rest stop. Mulder leaps out of the car holding
his ass and farting every time he takes a step. Mulder throws a little
eight year old out of a stall before going in. Farting and squirting
sounds can be heard during the following)
IMHOTEP: Can I have the ring?
SCULLY: NO!
GOLLUM: Can we haves it?
SCULLY: NO!
IMHOTEP: Hey, I've got a great idea for a game. Let's play, "Give me
the ring!"
SCULLY: NO!
GOLLUM: Oo! We wants to play! (Bad) No one wants to play with YOU!
No one likes you! (Good) What? Doggett likes me! (Bad) Dogget?
DOGGETT'S A FUCKING FAG! (Good) I'm not listening! I'm not listening!
MULDER: (from restroom) SWEET MOTHER OF GOD! ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!
SCULLY: (Ignoring Mulder's cries) This ring is a pain in my ass.
(The first now looks like Rickman from Sliders.)
RICKMAN: Why don't you let me have it?
SCULLY: NO!
RICKMAN: All right, then. As the most evil thing in the universe, I
shall have to resort to drastic measures. (Begging) PLEASE, PLEASE,
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE,
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE,
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE,
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE,
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE,
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE!
SCULLY: ALL RIGHT! YOU CAN HAVE THE FUCKING RING!
RICKMAN: Really?
SCULLY: No.
MULDER: (From the bathroom) JESUS MARY AND JOSEPH! ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!
(The First now looks like Silik from Enterprise.)
SILIK: Please, Dana…
SCULLY (Shivers)
SILIK: Give us the ring.
(Mulder runs by in the background. His pants are around his ankles and
he's wrestling with a shit weasel from Dreamcatcher.)
GOLLUM: You can't have the precious! The precious is ours!
SILIK: Shut up, you mutant midget fucktard!
GOLLUM: Kiss our ass, you two-bit hack trek villan!
SCULLY: DON'T MAKE ME SEPARATE YOU TWO!
(Mulder is beating the shit weasel with a rake.)
MULDER: DIE! DIE! DIE!
(Mulder kills the shit weasel and staggers his way back to the car.)
SCULLY: Hey, Mulder. Everything come out okay?
MULDER: Better than the time I ate all those olestra chips.
(Meanwhile, Danny Trejo and Tony Todd are limping down the streets.)
TONY TODD: What a glorious battle! The bullets! The explosions! The
flying cows! It was awesome and, in the end, on the two of us
survived.
DANNY TREJO: I can't go on anymore! I'm hurt and too tired!
TONY TODD: Of course you can go on! Are you a Mexi-CAN or a Mexi-CAN'T?
DANNY TREJO: (Defiant) I'm a Mexi-CAN!
TONY TODD: That's the spirit!
(Danny Trejo drops dead. Alexis Petrovich, Strucker, and Goldmember
run up to them.)
TONY TODD: I guess he WAS a Mexi-can't.
ALEXIS PETROVICH: Tony Todd! Tony Todd!
TONY TODD: No autographs! I will SUCK THE MARROW FROM YOUR BONES!
STRUCKER: We don't want an autograph! We need your help!
GOLDMEMBER: We cheated death'sh plansh and now we're all dying one by
one!
ALEXIS PETROVICH: Like the Beatles!
TONY TODD: I see… that is a serious predicament.
GOLDMEMBER: How can we shave ourselves?
TONY TODD: A razor.
GOLDMEMBER: No, no, no! Not shave! Shave! As in Shave your money!
Shave the last dance! Shaving Silverman!
TONY TODD: Ah, you want to save yourselves from death, eh? Well… it's
complicated so I hope you guys have enough time to listen.
ALEXIS PETROVICH: Well, we're out in the open so I don't think
anything bad will happen.
(WHAM! Tom Sizemore jumps into frame and starts beating Alexis
Petrovich with a baseball bat killing him dead. Tom Sizemore whistles
to himself as he walks off.)
STRUCKER: Holy CHRIST-WAGONS!
TONY TODD: All right, so you don't have a lot of time. Listen up,
Sucker.
STRUCKER: Strucker.
TONY TODD: NEVER INTURRUPT ME, BITCH!
STRUCKER: Sorry, sir.
TONY TODD: The only way to beat back death is to bring in new life.
Since this is a LOLA story and it's all about violence and killing… I'd
say you're fucked. But, there's your way out should you try to take
it. Good luck.
GOLDMEMBER: Thank you, Tony Todd!
Goldmember and Strucker hold hands and skip away.
TONY TODD: Thems muthafuckas is dead, yo.
(Meanwhile, in the outback… Doggett, Reyes, and Allan Quartermain have
once again found Kangaroo Jack. Doggett is aiming his rifle at the
marsupial as Allan Quartermain coaches him.)
ALLAN QUARTERMAIN: Feel the shot… take your time… Your mother is a
whore.
(Kangaroo Jack is licking his balls.)
ALLAN QUARTERMAIN: Holy hopped up horse testicles! Look at that little
bugger lick his own nutsack! That is amazing!
DOGGETT: Y-Yeah, I guess it is.
ALLAN QUARTERMAIN: C'mon, Doggett… man to man. Don't you wish you
could do that?
DOGGETT: I guess so.
ALLAN QUARTERMAIN: Well, go ahead! THE KANGAROO WON'T MIND! HAW, HAW,
HAW, HAW, HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW!
DOGGETT: Goddammit, you son of a bitch! I'LL KILL YOU!!!
(Doggett starts beating the shit out of Allan Quartermain.)
DOGGETT: YOU SCOTTISH GOAT FUCKER!
ALLAN QUARTERMAIN: YANKEE FUDGE PACKER!
DOGGETT: ALCOHOLIC HORSE RAPER!
ALLAN QUARTERMAIN: PRISSY ASS POLE SMOKER!
(As they fight, Kangaroo Jack hops up next to Reyes to watch. Reyes
looks at Jack and Jack looks at Reyes. Reyes offers Jack a carrot and
Jack eats it. Reyes gently takes the jacket off of Jack and takes the
envelope with the 100 Billion Dollars in it out.)
REYES: Hey guys, I got the 100 Billion dollars back.
(Quartermain and Doggett stop fighting.)
DOGGETT: What?
REYES: I got the 100 Billion Dollars back. Jack and I had one of those
magical bullshit moments.
QUARTERMAIN: Well done, my lady! Now we must find Doctor Evil's agents
and deliver the money!
REYES: Thank you, Kangaroo Jack. No, run! Run free in the outback and
make little baby Kangaroo Jacks! Fly, Jack! Fly!
(The music swells as Kangaroo Jack hops away. He stops and takes one
last longing look at Reyes, Doggett, and Quartermain… and then is hit
by an SUV splattering Kangaroo parts and blood all over our heroes.
The VIRUS TWINS step out of the SUV.)
DOGGETT: HOLY FUCKNUTS! It's Doctor Evil's agents, the VIRUS TWINS!
TWIN #1: Yes, and we are very disappointed. We though you would have
delivered the money to us already.
TWIN #2: What is your excuse?
REYES: We would have delivered the money, but a Kangaroo stole it and
we had to hunt it down to get it back.
TWIN #1: You don't have to be sarcastic.
TWIN #2: Get in the vehicle and we will take you to our killing place.
REYES: (Clueless) Oo! What are we going to do there!?
ALLAN QUARTERMAIN: It appears we have no choice, my friends. This
appears to be the end of our journey… sort of like when I cum in
Doggett's mother's mouth.
DOGGETT: (Shaking) Kill… you!
TWIN #1: Get in the car. NOW!
(Suddenly, the TX is standing next to the Virus Twins)
T-X: (smiles sweetly) I like your dreadlocks.
(She rips the dreadlocks off of both the twins.)
DOGGETT: HOLY FUCKING MOTHER OF FUCK!
REYES: Let's get out of here!
ALLAN QUARTERMAIN: I'm driving! I've had the most to drink!
(They leap inside the blood-stained SUV and take off. The T-X grabs
the bumper and is dragged behind them.)
(Meanwhile, on a beach, the cast of THE REAL CANCUN are binge
drinking.)
SPOILED LITTLE SHITHEAD #1: Isn't it great that our mommys and daddys
paid for this vacation for us!
SPOILED LITTLE SHITHEAD #2: Yes, because working would totally suck.
SPOILED LITTLE SHITHEAD #3: Look at my breasts!
(The SUV runs over them turning them into sticky little shithead paste.
As the SUV careens off, DEMI MOORE from Charlie's Angels 2, Count
Dooku, and Zhao start following them on motorcycles)
DOGGETT: Fuck me! We've got the TX, Demi Moore, Count Dooku, and Zhao
on our asses now!
REYES: Now?
DOGGETT: Zhao.
ALLAN QUARTERMAIN: Wow!
DOGGETT: Zhao!
REYES: Cow!
DOGGETT: No, ZHAO!
(The SUV hits a cow rocketing Doggett, Reyes, and Allan Quartermain
into the air. The T-X gets to her feet and clotheslines Count Dooku
off his motorcycle breaking him in half.)
TX: I like your motorcycle.
(Doggett, Reyes, and Allan Quartermain have landed at an airport.)
DOGGETT: Look! An airport! Let's get the hell off this God-Forsaken
continent and try and find Mulder and Scully!
ALLAN QUARTERMAIN: You go! I shall stay here and fend off the vicious
LOLAs!
REYES: That's very brave of you!
ALLAN QUARTERMAIN: That and I can't get through security with all my
rifles.
REYES: But… Doggett and I have guns!
ALLAN QUARTERMAIN: Yes, and I'm sure the two of you wouldn't mind all
the rectal searches! Now go! GO!
DOGGETT: Good-bye, Allan Quartermain!
ALLAN QUARTERMAIN: Tell your mother I love her…
DOGGETT: I will.
ALLAN QUARTERMAIN: …gargantuan stank pussy! HAW, HAW, HAAAAAAW
DOGGETT: YOU FUCKING BASTARD!
(Reyes drags Dogget into the airport as Allan Quartermain faces off
against Demi Moore, TX, and Zhao.)
ALLAN QUARTERMAIN: All right you, cross-dressing, gender-confused
wastes of genitalia. Uncle Quartermain has a little something for you!
My most deadly weapon… IMMATURE INSULTS!
ZHAO: DIE!
ALLAN QUARTERMAIN: The last time I saw something as fugly as you, I was
cleaning up after my dog. I've seen better-looking road kill. You're a
politically vacillating phony liberal fuck; too damn broadminded to
take your own side in a debate. Calling you a pea brain would be an
insult to peas, you jellyfish-sucking mental midget. You're so short,
you'd have to get a running start to get up on a toilet. You could sit
on a piece of toilet paper and dangle your feet. If you were ever
kidnapped and eaten by a cannibal tribe, they'd all die of high
cholesterol, you fat, flabby, fumbling fuck. You couldn't get a job
cleaning shit off a toilet, you utterly useless wrinkled balloon in a
muddy puddle of goat's piss. I like that outfit you're wearing. You
should hang on to it. It'll probably come back in style some day. Do
yourself and everyone else a favor: jump into a raging forest fire.
ZHAO: ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!
(Zhao dies.)
DEMI MOORE: YOU SON OF A BITCH! I'LL KILL YOU!
ALLAN QUARTERMAIN: Yuk! What a putrid waste of a vagina you are, you
humped-back, club-footed, lollipoop lickin' loser. I'm not surprised
you're dating Ashton Kucher, you pimple-faced perpetual wedgie victim.
Who the hell told you that you are attractive? Mr. Magoo? You're a
neo-Nazi, fundamentalist militant Republican-voting mega-asshole
scumbag. How come you're so tall? Did your mother mate with a giraffe?
You scrawny-assed, anorexic African famine victim; if you had dreads,
I'd grab you by your ankles and use you to mop the floor. You couldn't
win a cigar after giving birth in a tobacco field in Havana, you
clueless, uber-incompetent fuckwit. You couldn't look like a bigger ass
in that outfit if you were attached to the backside of Oprah. I've come
across decomposing animal carcasses that are less offensive than you
are.
DEMI MOORE: ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!
(She dies in a pool of her own vomit.)
TX: (smiles) I like your insults.
ALLAN QUARTERMAIN: Care for a go, you pissant, brother-groping,
crotch-licking, shit-guzzling, hemorrhoid-popping, cock-brained
lunkhead!
TX: You pole-smoking, child-molesting, panty-licking, shit-munching,
puss-popping, dick-headed cockweasel!
ALLAN QUARTERMAIN: It is my profound wish that you shall have a plague
of rodents take up residence in your cellar, you cesspool of sub-human
filth.
TX: You soap-dropping, cousin-humping, gym sock-slurping, toe jam-
sucking, pimple-nibbling, dick-faced muttonhead!
ALLAN QUARTERMAIN: Shut your lollipop-sucking mouth before I ram your
coned forehead up your gaping asshole and make you to dance the
Macarena for nickels outside of your nearest Wal-Mart!
TX: Shut the fuck up already before I throw a stick into the spokes of
your rainbow colored tricycle and watch you go over handlebars into the
slop of runny shit in your outdoor remedial bed pan!
ALLAN QUARTERMAIN: Button down that flapping upper lip of yours, cum-
catcher, before I staple it to the ceiling and watch you spin around
like a fart-powered ceiling fan.
TX: Shut up before I plant your ass on the gear shifter of your pink
Cadillac and let you slam head first into a brick wall like a gay crash
test dummy.
ALLAN QUARTERMAIN: YOU'RE TERMINATED, FUCKER!!!
(The TX punches into his chest and pulls out his still-beating heart.)
ALLAN QUARTERMAIN: Is that the best you can do!?
(He falls down dead. The TX watches as Doggett and Reyes escape on an
airplane.)
(MEANWHILE… AT THE BASE OF MOUNT DOOM, TAIWAN!!!)
(Mulder, Scully, and Gollum get out of the car.)
MULDER: All right, remember… we're parked in the Wormwood lot.
(Scully's phone rings)
SCULLY: Hello? Doggett? Reyes? Where the hell are you? On a plane?
Did you deliver the money? What? What about Doggett's mother? Can
you hear me now? Good! Get your asses to Taiwan and meet us at Mount
Doom so we can destroy this fucking ring and go home! Fine! Bye-Bye!
(She hangs up)
SCULLY: I hate those assholes.
MULDER: We all do, Scully… we all do.
***********************************************************************
COMING SOON TO THEATERS NEAR YOU…
From the man that gave you "Goodfellas", "Casino" and "Raging Bull"…
comes a new movie for the whole family…
MARTIN SCORSESE PRESENTS:
GANGS OF SESAME STREET!
(We see the Swedish Chef standing in the middle of Sesame Street.
There's Muppets everywhere)
THE SWEDISH CHEF: We're en metten tü holdenen swayen over der fiven
pointorss: usen nativens, or der foreign hordesen defilin iten!
CROWD: Yeah!!!
(Kermit the Frog comes up)
KERMIT: This bloodbath is brought to you by the letters F, U and the
number 0! YAYYYY!!
(A vicious brawl between the Muppets breaks out. Penguins, fish and
chickens are flying everywhere.)
THE COUNT: One, two, three dead foreigners! Ah, ah, ah!
THIS WINTER… AMERICA WAS BORN IN SESAME STREETS!
This movie was made thanks to public broadcasting and viewers like you.
***********************************************************************
(Mulder, Scully, Gollum and the First Evil are at the base of Mount
Doom, Taiwan)
MULDER: Okay, Scully. We just have to get to the top of Mount Doom. Any
suggestions?
SCULLY: (Looking at a map) Well, according to this, there's an
escalator that goes up the side. We can take that.
MULDER: An escalator? Where?
SCULLY: It's in there!
(Scully points over to a large theme park with a signs reading "Mount
Doom Fun Park!", "Ride the Escalator to the top of a Volcano!" "Visit
the Evil Petting Zoo!" and "House of Mirrors That Make You Look Fat!")
MULDER: And the Escalator is…
SCULLY: Just past the petting zoo.
(The First now looks like KENNEDY.)
KENNEDY: You don't wanna go that way! You'll be killed.
MULDER: A-HA! You just guaranteed that that was the way to go! Because
you're probably trying to get us to go another route, where a trap is
probably waiting for us!
KENNEDY: Well…
MULDER: A-HA! But you probably thought I'd know that, so you'd try to
use reverse psychology to get us to go the other way where a trap is
really waiting for us!
SCULLY: Mulder, you're retarded.
MULDER: A-HA! But he probably knew you'd say that after I'd deduce that
he was using reverse psychology and because we always disagree, I'd go
back the way we were planning to go until I disagreed with Gollum!
GOLLUM: What? (Bad) Yeah, dude. You lost us!
MULDER: A-HA! But he probably expected that would happen. It's a clever
gambit, but I think our non-corporeal buddy has fallen victim to one of
the classic blunders, the most famous of which is "Never get involved
in a land war in Asia", but only slightly less well known is this:
"Never go in against an FBI agent, when *death* is on the line!"
Ahahahahah!
(Mulder looks around to see Scully, Gollum and the First have left
him.)
MULDER: Guys? Hey, guys!!!
(Mulder runs off after them. The group is walking through the Evil
Petting Zoo. They pass by several cages holding animals like the
WEREWOLVES from "Dog Soldiers", the SPIDERS from "Eight Legged Freaks",
The BIG ASS SNAKE from "Harry Potter 2", the ZOMBIES from "28 Days
Later" and the RATS from "Willard".)
MULDER: Okay, we're halfway to the elevator. Once we get there,
everything should be smooth sailing.
VOICE: Eee!
MULDER: I know Scully. I'm happy too.
SCULLY: I didn't say that, Mulder!
VOICE: Eee!
MULDER: Then what the deuce was that?
(They all look ahead to see Mini-Me standing alone.)
SCULLY: Aww… it's a midget!
(A hundred more Mini-Me's walk out.)
SCULLY: Aww… shit. It's a BUNCH of midgets!
MULDER: Get out of here, Scully! I'll handle them!
SCULLY: Okay!
MULDER: Don't worry about… shit. She probably left already, didn't she?
(Mulder turns around to see Scully, Gollum and the First all gone.)
MULDER: FUCK!
(The Midgets start swarming over Mulder. We then go through a direct
parody from "The Matrix Reloaded" with Mulder taking on the hundreds of
Mini-Me's! The Mini-Me's then start dog-piling on Mulder. Mulder's
struggling to get up as one of them walks up to Mulder and starts
tickling him behind his ear. Mulder starts giggling like a little girl
then shakes his head and fights the pile off him! Mulder then grabs a
giant dildo and starts beating away several of the Mini-Me's before he
jams it into the ground and starts running around it, kicking all the
Mini-Me's away. One of the Mini-Me's then kicks the dildo out of the
ground and Mulder flies face first into one of the cages.)
MULDER: Ow! Dammit!
(Mulder then looks up at the cage and then a lightbulb goes off on top
of his head. Mulder opens the doors to the cages and lets all the
animals out. The Werewolves, Spiders, Rats, Zombies and the Big Ass
Snake all get out and start eating the Mini-Millions while the Mini-
Milions gang up on the animals and kill some of them.)
MULDER: My God… it's like "SimAnt"… on acid!
(Some of the things start humping one another.)
MULDER: Okay… now it's like "National Geographic"… on acid!
(Mulder quietly sneaks off. He then runs up to Scully and Gollum.)
MULDER: Hey, guys! Did you see what I did? I was all bad-ass and took
out all those monsters and crap! And I was all, HIIYAH! And BAM! I
kicked it up a notch and…
(Mulder looks over at Scully and Gollum to see them holding their hands
high. Mulder then looks and sees they're all surrounded by LOLA. It's
the First standing by Caleb, Robin Williams, The Toymaker and the Tooth
Fairy. The First now looks like The Green Goblin.)
GREEN GOBLIN: Ha ha ha, Mulder. Looks like LOLA has finally caught up
to you! Allow me to introduce some more of your captors! From "Pirates
Of The Carribean", Captain Barbarossa!
CAPT. BARBAROSSA: You'd best start believing in bad parodies… because
you're in one!
GREEN GOBLIN: From "Angel", meet Jasmine!
JASMINE: I love all of you!
GREEN GOBLIN: And from "The Santa Clause 2", it's ROBO-SANTA!
ROBO-SANTA: I was just a normal Santa before, but I needed more power…
so I REWIRED myself!
(The Robo-Santa starts grunting repeatedly. Mulder and Scully look at
one another, then shrug.)
MULDER: Well, it looks like we're fucked.
SCULLY: Yep. Dead for sure.
(Suddenly a wall explodes, and everyone turns to see…)
DOGGETT: Don't worry, Mulder!
REYES: We're here to save you!
MULDER: Shit. We're dead.
SCULLY: Oh yeah.
DOGGETT: Not true! WE BROUGHT BACK-UP!
REYES: Get ready, bad guys! Prepare to suck on the sweet justice that
is… THE A.R.E.O.L.A.!
(There's an awkward silence.)
REYES: The Associated Resisting Evil Order of Likeable Allies, people!
Geez!
DOGGETT: A.R.E.O.L.A.! PRESENT YOURSELVES! ROLL CALL! From that
cancelled show… it's The Birds of Prey!
(ORACLE, HUNTRESS and BLACK CANARY come out.)
ORACLE: Prepare to take on the fiercest group since the Mystery Men,
Evildoer!
HUNTRESS: We'll kick your ass and look pretty!
BLACK CANARY: One time I brought a monkey to gym class! He beat me at
dodgeball! THE END! DURRRR!
DOGGETT: From the hit movie… DAREDEVIL!
(DAREDEVIL walks up.)
DAREDEVIL: It's time to give the DEVIL his DUE!
MULDER: Hey jizzbucket, you're facing the wrong way!
DAREDEVIL: DAMMIT!
DOGGETT: From the cancelled Fox TV show… JOHN DOE!
(JOHN DOE walks up.)
JOHN DOE: The airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow is 4.2 kilometers
per hour!
SCULLY: African or European?
JOHN DOE: African of course!
DOGGETT: From "Bulletproof Monk", Jamie King!
(JAMIE KING walks up.)
JAMIE KING: So… hungry… so… cold… please feed me! PLEASE!
DOGGETT: Later! From "Die Another Day", Jinx!
(JINX jiggles her way up to the group.)
JINX: Looks like we'll be ON TOP of this situation! Eh, gang?
(Silence. Scully slaps Jinx.)
DOGGETT: And from "Cradle 2 the Grave"…
MULDER: Jet Li?
DOGGETT: No.
SCULLY: DMX?
DOGGETT: No.
GOLLUM: Gabrielle Union?
DOGGETT: We wish. No. It's Tom Arnold.
(TOM ARNOLD walks up.)
TOM ARNOLD: Hey gang! Wow! I haven't seen a large pack of sad losers
since my 45th bachelor party! Hey, look at this guy! (Points to Gollum)
Better watch out little fella, Roseanne might eat you! Watch the Best
Damn Sports Show Period!
SCULLY: CAN WE PLEASE GET ON WITH THIS FIGHT!
DOGGETT: CHARGE! RARRGH!
(Everyone starts attacking one another. John Doe walks up to the Robo-
Santa.)
JOHN DOE: Hmm… the fuel tank to a giant robot is usually kept in the
crotch. But looking at the sophisticated design, I'd say it's an
updated model built by the Pinto Corporation that was closed down in
1977 after a horrible accident that happened in the middle of several
deviant sexual acts when…
(Robo-Santa lops off the head of John Doe.)
JOHN DOE: Hmmm… statistics say a human head can survive for 30 seconds
after decapitation… GURK!
(He dies. The Birds of Prey and Jinx are beating the shit out of
Caleb.)
CALEB: Ow! I said I wanted to poke out your eyes! Shit! Not that I
wanted to poke you in the brown eye! ARGH!
(The Birds of Prey and Jinx kill Caleb. Jasmine walks up.)
JASMINE: I love you all.
(Jasmine eats Jinx. She's about to eat the Birds of Prey when Jasmine
starts choking.)
JASMINE: Augh! Choking on Halle Berry! Tastes like ham and Billy Bob
Thornton!
(Jasmine chokes to death. We then see Daredevil doing several flips,
punches and kicks as he looks like he's fighting for his life. We then
pull back to see he's fighting a mailbox.)
DAREDEVIL: Take that, base villain! You're dead meat!
(The Toymaker hears this.)
TOYMAKER: Dead meat? CREEL!!!
(A bell rings and The Toymaker goes over to Daredevil and starts
beating the shit out of him until Daredevil is a bloody smear on the
ground. The bell rings again and a referee comes out. The referee grabs
The Toymaker and raises his arm.)
TOYMAKER: I DID IT!!! YO ADRIAN! I DID ITTTTT!!!!
("Eye of the Tiger" starts to play as The Toymaker starts running
around with his arms raised. A truck runs him over, killing him
instantly. Captain Barbarossa is advancing on a terrified Jamie King.)
JAMIE KING: Please sir, can I have a nickel for a stick of gum? I just
need something to eat!
CAPT. BARBAROSSA: Arrrrr, ye matey! I'll make you walk the plank; swab
the deck and other such stereotypical pirate analogies!
(The moonlight hits him and he turns into a skeleton.)
CAPT. BARBAROSSA: Arrrrr, aren't ye scared of me… Hey… Why are you
licking your lips?
JAMIE KING: Mmmmm… ribs… I think I see some leftover meat…
CAPT. BARBAROSSA: What? Wait! NO!
(Jamie King pounces on Barbarossa and starts mauling him to pieces. She
keeps on eating him until he's completely gone.)
MULDER: HOLY SHIT!
SCULLY: NO LIE! (A pause) Hey! She just ate a corpse! That can't be
healthy!
JAMIE KING: Oh. Really?
(She drops dead of food poisoning. The Robo-Santa starts getting closer
to Mulder, Scully, Gollum, Doggett and Reyes.)
SCULLY: Well, this is it, assholes! See y'all in hell!
MULDER: I regret nothing!
DOGGETT: MOMMY!
REYES: Well, if I'm going out, I'm goin' out happy!
(Reyes starts making out with Gollum. All of a sudden, GOLDMEMBER and
STRUCKER show up and blow away the Robo-Santa.)
MULDER: What the biscuit?
SCULLY: You two guys are LOLA'S! What the hell are you doing saving us!
GOLDMEMBER: We have found out the only way we're going to live ish if
we bring in a new life! We figured maybe if we shave you guysh, that
would count!
DOGGETT: Shave us? Okay, but Reyes has a bush like a goddamned
rainforest!
REYES: HEY!!!
STRUCKER: And hopefully, we'll have redeemed ourselves and we'll no
longer have to fear death!
(All of a sudden, ANNA NICOLE SMITH waddles up and eats Strucker. She
then continues waddling by as she rambles incoherently.)
GOLDMEMBER: HOLY SCHTUPPINFOODLE! Well, I'm doomed!
DOGGETT: We're all doomed! We're going to die and go to a cold, dark
pit…
(The First Evil walks up. He now looks like ALLAN QUATERMAIN.)
ALLAN QUARTERMAIN: Aye! And then when you're done with Doggett's
mother, you'll all go to Hell! HAW HAW!
DOGGETT: GODDAMMIT! EVEN IN DEATH I CAN'T ESCAPE THIS DRUNKEN BASTARD!
FUCCCKKK!
ALLAN QUARTERMAIN: What're you gonna do about it, little girl? You
can't kick my ass! I'm an ancient evil spirit that can look like
anyone, as opposed to your mother, an ancient evil succubus that will
DO anyone! Haw HAW!
DOGGETT: Oh yeah? Well, I know exactly how to deal with you then!
(Doggett pulls out a cell phone and hits a button on auto-dial. A
couple seconds later, THE GHOSTBUSTERS show up.)
PETER: All right, who you gonna call?
RAY: There's our boy!
EGON: A floating free-form entity. Standard procedure!
WINSTON: Light him up!
(The Ghostbusters zap the First Evil with their proton packs and then
catch him, sending him screaming into the trap.)
THE FIRST: (From inside the trap) ASSHOLES! I'LL BE BACK YOU FUCKERS!
I'LL BE BAAAAAAAAAACK!
PETER: All right, so which one of you guys do we bill?
DOGGETT: That would be me.
PETER: AAHHH! A WALKING CORPSE!
(They zap Doggett.)
DOGGETT: Hey! Quit it!!!
(They stop.)
PETER: Sorry about that. Our bad.
RAY: (Looks up) Hey! What's that?
(Suddenly, The Tooth Fairy lunges down and grabs all the Ghostbusters,
killing them. Meanwhile, as the fights rage on, Robin Williams is
facing off against Tom Arnold.)
ROBIN WILLIAMS: …And then Al Gore was like (Robot voice) "Danger!
Danger, Will Robinson! Danger!" (Normal voice) And then my little boy
goes (High voice) "Daddy, daddy! I wanna Harry Potter doll!"
TOM ARNOLD: Hey! That's about as difficult as me climbing on Roseanne
during sex! But how about those Birds of Prey, huh? Man, we can tell,
acting isn't what they're good at! (Nervous laugh)
ROBIN WILLIAMS: But those women are so beautiful that you want to walk
up to them and tell them that they're like works of art and they just
look at you and go (Squeaky voice) "Oh, go away! Fuck off!"
TOM ARNOLD: Wow! That's about as funny as my 3827 cancelled sitcoms! Ha
ha!
(The good guys are watching this.)
SCULLY: My god, Mulder! How long can they keep this up?
MULDER: If they do, we'll all be killed! Look!
(A small vortex-y portal starts to open in front of Tom and Robin. It
starts sucking nearby things into it.)
DOGGETT: What the hell is that?
MULDER: The most bizarre form of phenomena known to man: THE BLACK HOLE
OF UNFUNNY!
(The vortex gets larger and larger.)
REYES: The what what of what?
MULDER: The Black Hole of Unfunny! An inescapable whirlpool of lack of
humor! It's what killed the Mayans, the Incans and the French!
SCULLY: The French?
MULDER: Why do you think they love Jerry Lewis?
(Everyone nods.)
MULDER: Now we have to get out of here before we get sucked in!
GOLLUM: (Good) Pity we could only get someone shitty from "Cradle 2 The
Grave"! I wanted to meet DMX! Ruff Ryders 4 life, yo! (Bad) Shut up
beeyotch! You ain't representin'! You ain't keepin' it real! DMX sucks!
Everyone knows Wu-Tang Clan owns his bitch-ass! (Singing and making a
"W" with his hands) WU-TANG CLAN AIN'T NOTHIN' TO FUCK WITH! WU-TANG
CLAN AIN'T NOTHIN' TO FUCK WITH! WU-TANG CLAN AIN'T NOTHIN' TO FUCK
WITH!
(Everyone is staring at Gollum. He stops. Mulder, Scully, Doggett,
Reyes, Gollum and Goldmember rush off. As they leave, the portal sucks
in the Tooth Fairy, The Birds of Prey, Robin Williams, Tom Arnold and
Jesse and Jason, who are still at each other's throats.)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
COMING SOON…
DISNEY PICTURES AND NEW LINE CINEMA ARE PROUD TO PRESENT IT'S NEWEST
COMEDY!
SHE'S A WORKING MOM THAT DOESN'T UNDERSTAND HER CHILD…
SHE'S A POPULAR HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT THAT DOESN'T UNDERSTAND HER MOM…
HE'S A SERIAL KILLER FROM CAMP CRYSTAL LAKE…
IT'S A WACKY COMBINATION IN… "FREAKY FRIDAY THE THIRTEENTH!"
(JAMIE LEE CURTIS and THAT CHICK WHOSE NAME I DON'T KNOW are arguing.)
JAMIE LEE CURTIS: No, you can't go to that party! You have school
tomorrow!
THAT CHICK WHOSE NAME I DON'T KNOW: But Mom! There's going to be cute
guys at the party and I want to meet them!
(JASON VOORHEES walks up. There's a long pause. He then cuts off the
girl's head.)
JAMIE LEE CURTIS: (Looks at Jason) …Michael?
(Jason hacks her to pieces for that one…)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
(At the tippy-tippy-top of Mount Doom, Mulder, Scully, Doggett, Reyes,
Goldmember, and Gollum are climbing on their hands and knees. They
finally reach the top of the mountain.)
MULDER: Thank God… at last the journey is ended.
SCULLY: Mulder…
MULDER: It's been a long road, getting from there to here.
SCULLY: Mulder?
MULDER: It's been a long time, but our time is finally here.
SCULLY: Mulder!
MULDER: I can see a change in the wind right now. Nothing's in our
way. And they're not gonna hold us down no more. No, they're not
getting in our way.
SCULLY: MULDER!
MULDER: Aw, shit… Don't tell me. Doctor Evil and his gang are right
behind us.
SCULLY: No.
(Mulder looks behind them. All that can be seen is the firey caudera
of Mount Doom)
MULDER: Well, that's a relief.
SCULLY: They're in front of us.
(Mulder looks. Doctor Evil, Frau Farbissina, Number Two, Mini-Me,
Scott Evil, Fat Bastard, Alotta Fagina, and Cancerman are standing
there. Each is holding a gun.)
DOCTOR EVIL: Excellent work, Goldmember.
(Goldmember runs over to Doctor Evil.)
DOGGETT: Goldmember! You double-crossing ingrown dick having
grandmother fucker! You're not even worthy of being called chicken-
shit, you sloppy piece of newly hatched chicklet diarrhea.
DOCTOR EVIL: Do not be angry with Goldmember. I promised to protect
him from death if he brought you all to me.
GOLDMEMBER: And you all fell for it!
DOCTOR EVIL: Now… GIVE ME THE RING!
REYES: Never! You'll have to kill us to get the ring away from us!
MULDER: Wow, Reyes… You've got some balls. Big ones. Sure, they're
mine and bouncing off your chin, but you've got them!
REYES: (smiles) Thank you! No… wait!
DOCTOR EVIL: SILENCE!
SCOTT EVIL: Hey dad, what are you waiting for? Shoot them and take the
ring!
DOCTOR EVIL: Why, Scott? Why kill them that way? Can you give me a
reason? Can you give me ONE FRICKIN' CLUE!?
SCOTT EVIL: I'd explain it to you, but I left my crayons in my other
jacket.
FAT BASTARD: You want me tah kill 'em, Doctor Evil?
DOCTOR EVIL: No… I shall deal with them… personally.
(Mulder, Scully, Doggett, and Reyes are tied together and hung upside
down over the lava pit of Mount Doom.)
DOCTOR EVIL: As you can see, my plan is perfect. Using this
unnecessarily slow dipping mechanism, I will lower these four
meddlesome troublemakers into the lake of liquid hot magma below.
SCOTT EVIL: And what about the one ring? TO RULE THEM ALL!?
(Thunderclap)
DOCTOR EVIL: Yes, well… I believe I shall simply retrieve it once we
have lowered our enemies into the magma.
SCOTT EVIL: Dad… I don't believe you've thought your cunning plan all
the way through. You're dropping the RING into Mount DOOM!
DOCTOR EVIL: Yes, and after the fires of the volcano have killed our
nemesis… sis… seas… I shall retrieve the ring!
SCOTT EVIL: But it will be destroyed!
DOCTOR EVIL: Never! The ring is undestroyable! My plan is perfect!
How dare you insult the perfectness of my perfect plan! GO TO YOUR
ROOM!
SCOTT EVIL: I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU!
(Scott Evil runs away crying.)
DOCTOR EVIL: BEGIN THE UNNESSESARALLY SLOW-MOVING DIPPING MECHANISM!
(Cancerman starts the dipping Mechanism. But suddenly, GOLLUM leaps
out from behind a rock and kicks him away. Goldmember disarms Doctor
Evil's goons and holds them at gunpoint.)
CANCERMAN: What is the meaning of this!?
GOLDMEMBER: You fell for our brilliant plan to get the ring to the
firesh of Mount Doom and to destroy it! I'm good now, get it? Because
I'm shaving sho many livesh, I will be shafe from death!
REYES: Gollem! Cut us down!
GOLLEM: We've come to help! (Evil) No! KILL THEM! (Good) No, they like
us! (Evil) Nobody likes you! (Good) I'm not listening! (Evil) KILL
THEM! (Good) No! (Evil) KILL THEM! (Good) No… I… uh… I… Uhm… (Evil)
KILLLLL THEM! (Good) Uh… Okay.
MULDER: He's adorable! Let's buy him a present!
(Goldmember holds Doctor Evil's goons at bay as Gollum cuts Mulder,
Scully, Reyes, and Doggett down.)
SCULLY: Thank you Gollum, you saved us!
GOLLUM: THE PRECIOUS!
MULDER: Oh, shit.
(Gollum leaps on Mulder and starts beating the shit out of him. Mulder
grabs the ring out of his jacket and tries to keep it away from
Gollum.)
SCULLY: (Pulls gun) Don't just stand there, you retards! We have to
help him! I…
(The TX is suddenly standing there.)
TX: I like your gun.
(With lighting fast speed, the TX takes the gun from Scully and starts
shooting at her, Doggett, and Reyes who run for cover.)
(Meanwhile, Mulder and Gollum are still struggling!)
MULDER: SOMEONE GET JOHN MERRICK'S LOVE CHILD OFF OF ME!
GOLLUM: PRECIOUS IS OURS! PRECIOUS IS OURS!
MULDER: FUCK THIS!
(Mulder puts on the ring and becomes invisible.)
MULDER: (Invisible) Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! You'll never find me now, ass-
face!
(Suddenly, OZZY OSBOURNE leaps into the picture and grabs GOLDMEMBER.)
GOLDMEMBER: HOLY FARFEGNUGIN!
OZZY: Mumble, mumble, fuck, fuck, fucking, mumble, fuck, mumble, boobs!
(Ozzy bites Goldmember's head off, spraying blood all over the cave and
all over the invisible Mulder… making him visible again. He's giving
Gollum the finger.)
GOLLUM: PRECIOUS!
(Gollum leaps on Mulder and bites his middle finger off.)
MULDER: OW! FUCKSIES! Now my glove will never fit!
(Gollum spits out Mulder's middle finger… AND THE RING!)
GOLLUM: GAH! MY PRECIOUS! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
(Gollum leaps after the ring and both fall into the fire pit.)
NUMBER TWO: GOLLUM AND THE ONE RING HAVE BEEN DESTROYED!
GOLLUM: (off camera) No… Gollum is okay. Gollem landed on a sharp
rocky outcropping. We are fine, but we are hurt very badly.
FRAU FARBISSINA: (Silently to Dr. Evil) We should get out of here.
GOLLUM: Could someone help Gollum? Gollum's leg is broken and we's can
see the bone jutting out from our knee. It looks broken, but we will
try to stand on it. (Crack!) AUGH! Yes! It's broken!
(Doctor Evil and his goons are sneaking out the exit.)
DOCTOR EVIL: You may have won this round, Mulder and Scully and Reyes
and Doggett, but will SHALL MEET AGAIN!
(Doctor Evil and his goons leave)
GOLLUM: Wait! We's thinks we can grab a vine and crawl out. I… Oop!
ARG! We've fallen into the river of lava and now we're getting slowly
burned. It's quite painful and excruciating. Oh, there goes little
Gollem. Could someone throw me a gun or something so that I can end
this torturous suffering? Uh, oh… it's up to my neck. My head is on
fire. I… blub, blub, blub, blub.
(All of Mount Doom starts to shake. The T-X looks up just in time to
see a huge boulder fall on her, crushing her into a tin can.)
SCULLY: Let's get the ass out of here!
(Mulder, Scully, Doggett, and Reyes run for it as the mountain blows
and crumbles in on itself leaving nothing but a mountain of rubble and
LOLA parts.)
SCULLY: I don't believe it! We're alive!
MULDER: Yes, and now it's time to go back to the shire.
(Everyone looks at Mulder)
MULDER: You're right. I'm sick of these Lord of the Rings jokes. It's
so cliché. What were you guys thinking?
(A little ways away, Jesse and Jason are still fighting. The stop for
a minute.)
JESSE: It was Jason's idea.
JASON: Yes, it was. My bad.
SCULLY: And what was with the dialogue!? I mean… Do you have any idea
how politically incorrect it is to say the word "fag?"
JASON: Look on the bright side. At least we didn't use the word
"nigger" anywhere in this story. That would have been totally crossing
the line.
JESSE: DUDE!
JASON: What!? I can say that word because I'm one-eighth black.
JESSE: If you're really one-eighth, you should have only been able to
say "n-!"
JASON: You're right. I'm a bastard.
JESSE: Indeed you are, Jason. Indeed you are.
(They shake hands and make peace.)
SCULLY: Well, that was super gay.
REYES: Yeah. Let's go home.
MULDER: Yes… (He holds up his missing-fingered hand which is squirting
blood all over the place) …before the gangrene sets in.
(Mulder, Scully, Reyes, and Doggett hold hands and walk into the
sunset.)
SCULLY: Yep… everything perfect at last.
(Inside Mulder's empty apartment, the television comes on and SAMARA
from The Ring crawls out. She looks up for someone to scare to death.)
SAMARA: BOO!
(She looks around and sees no one. Mulder's fish swim quietly in their
tank.)
SAMARA: Aw.
(A montage of scenes. Samara reads a magazine on Mulder's couch.
Samara looks out the window and checks her watch. Samara is looking at
Mulder's porn. Samara is feeding the fish. Samara is asleep in a
recliner. Finally, Samara finds a copy of FULL FRONTAL. She puts it
in the VCR and watches it. The phone rings.
SAMARA: (Picks up phone) Hello?
MUDLER: (on Phone) SEVEN DAYS!!!
(SAMARA SCREAMS AND FALLS TO THE FLOOR WHERE WE SEE THE HULK-GUINEA PIG
DOING THE HAMSTER DANCE.)
(The camera pulls back to reveal ROGER EBERT and RICHARD ROEPER
watching the movie. The lights come up and they look at the camera.)
ROGER EBERT: Well, I thought that this was probably the WORST parody
script I've read in years. The jokes were recycled, the plot was too
complicated for a story this stupid, there were too many useless
characters, and too much pointless violence for me. This story is so
bad, I think al Qeida will take credit for it. Thumbs WAY down for me.
What did you think, Richard?
RICHARD ROEPER: Bananas make my poop squirt. I think Jay Leno is an
Artic vibrator. Keeping roaches is fun and profitable. DUUUUUR!
ROGER EBERT: Richard, you never cease to remind me of how much I miss
Gene. That's the show and, until next time, the balcony is closed.
RICHARD ROEPER: I have popcorn. DUUUR!
ROGER EBERT: MY PRECIOUS!
(Roger Ebert leaps on Richard Roeper and devours him. The camera moves
to the left and we see DENNIS from CABIN FEVER.)
DENNIS: Pancakes… Pancakes! PANCAKES! PAAANCAAAAKES!
(Dennis leaps at the camera as we…)
CUT TO BLACK!
THE END!!!
Special thanks to Number8 at Rotten Tomatoes and my husband, Jesse
Glaspey, and our three wonderful children.