THE FOLLOWING PREVIEWS HAVE BEEN APPROVED FOR ALL AUDIENCES ------------------------ ANNOUNCER: Let the bad color not be seen it attracts them. Never enter the woods for that is where they wait. Heed the warning bell for they are coming. CHEKOV: That would be weddy bad! ANNOUNCER: M Night Shamala… Shama… Shamalama-ding-dong. WHISPER: Shamaylan. ANNOUNCER: Whatever. M Night Shamaylan and Rick Berman bring you a new level of terror! Walter Koenig is PAVEL CHEKOV in… THE WILLAGE!!! CHECKOV: I must wenture away from dee willage and into the wast woods and into the walley. VILLAGERS: WHAT!? ANNOUNCER: With WIL WHEATON as WESLEY THE VILLAGE IDIOT! WESLEY: I LIKE TATOR TOTS! DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUR! ANNOUNCER: M. Night Shamalamalamalama and Rick Berman’s THE WILLAGE! This summer, nothing is scarier than two people completely out of ideas! ------------------------ ANNOUNCER: Coming soon to a theater near you! From Kevin Smith and those morons that greenlit The Girl Next Door… it’s THE JERSEY GIRL NEXT DOOR! ELISHA CUTHBERT: I’m all f**king wet. Can I f**king come in? GEORGE CARLIN: Air Marshal Carlin says go fuck yourself! (He slams the door in her face. A Cougar then attacks her.) ANNOUNCER: THE JERSEY GIRL NEXT DOOR! Because if you won’t see one bomb, maybe you’ll see it if we combine them! ------------------------ ANNOUNCER: Coming soon to FOX… It’s the hottest new review show… MEN ON REALITY TV! The Weather Girls “It’s Raining Men” starts to play… DWANE EDWARDS: Hello! I’m Dwane Edwards! ANTOINE MERRYWEATHER: And I’m Antoine Merryweather! TOGETHER: And welcome… to Men on Reality TV! DWANE EDWARDS: Where we look at Reality TV… ANTOINE MERRYWEATHER: From a MAN’S point of view. DWANE EDWARDS: Our first show is “Joe Millionaire”! The show where twenty women all pursue a muscular construction worker and wrestler that hides a dark secret! ANTOINE MERRYWEATHER: Mm-hmm! We all know what THAT secret is! Now our next show is “Playing it Straight”! BOTH: HATED IT! ANNOUNCER: MEN ON REALITY TV! COMING SOON! DWANE EDWARDS: It might even be sooner than that! ANTOINE MERRYWEATHER: Oh, Dwane! ANNOUNCER: Uh… I’m uncomfortable. ------------------------ JASON Donner and JESSE GLASPEY are sitting on a couch. JESSE: The Legion of Lame-Asses V: I, LOLA is brought to you by C2 from Coca Cola! JASON: Half the sugar and half the carbs! JESSE: Pick yours up today! They both smile and then take a drink. After a second, a disgusted look crosses their face and they spit it out on each other. JASON: …the FUCK is this SHIT!? ------------------------ AND NOW OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION
slightlywarped.com presents (and is very sorry for)...
THE LEGION OF LAME-ASSES V
I, LOLA
Written, directed, produced, and catered by three time Oscar watchers Jason Donner and Jesse Glaspey.
The Legion of Lame-Asses is not endorsed or supported by any celebrity. As a result, the Legion of Lame-Asses does not endorse or support celebrities.
LIGHTNING FLASH!!! Suddenly, we are in the lair of DOCTOR EVIL and CANCERMAN! The usual people are there… MINI-ME, FAT BASTARD, FRAU FARBISSINA, SCOTT EVIL, NUMBER TWO, and ALOTTA FAGINA. Doctor Evil laughs maniacally. DOCTOR EVIL: Mwah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, haaaaaaaa! Then, he starts giving the usual speech that kicks off one of these retarded LOLA stories. DOCTOR EVIL: SILENCE! My evil cronies welcome back. It’s been a year since our last adventure, but I feel that this time around will be special… this year will be different… This year, the movies and television have been cranking out more lame ass characters than we can friggin’ keep up with! Look at this! My nipples are hard with anticipation! BRING OUT THE… SCOTT EVIL: Whoa, whoa, whoa… Stop, okay! Just stop! DOCTOR EVIL: What is it this time? SCOTT EVIL: First of all, your nipples are always hard… Secondly, the bad guys you hire are always jerkoffs who couldn’t kill a dead cat! Not a single one of them are scary and… You know what, I bet that not a single one of the assholes you trot out here tonight is going to live through this entire epic adventure of pure retardedness. I bet you that not a one of them are even remotely intimidating! DOCTOR EVIL: Oh, really? Scott, I would like to introduce you to our first candidates… DENNIS and ELWOOD from WITHOUT A PADDLE! Dennis and Elwood enter. The mountain man pair look like they haven’t bathed in several months and both are holding shotguns. Dennis aims at Scott Evil and fires. Scott leaps out of his chair just as it explodes. SCOTT EVIL: You’re an ASSHOLE, dad! DOCTOR EVIL: Have fun! SCOTT EVIL: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Scott runs away. Dennis and Elwood follow. ELWOOD: SOOOOOEEEEEEEEE little pig! DENNIS: SAVE HIS PURTY MOUTH FOR ME!!! They run out the door after Scott. Doctor Evil sits back rather proud of himself. DOCTOR EVIL: Now that my bastard son is out of the picture, I won’t have anyone making snide comments about my army of villains. CANCERMAN: The boy does have a point. LOLAs are just… they suck. They suck harder than Jenny McCarthy desperate for a part in a movie. Jenny McCarthy’s head pops up between Cancerman’s legs. JENNY McCARTHY: Hey! CANCERMAN: You know it’s true. Now, get back to work! Cancerman shoves her back under the table. We hear a slight gagging sound. DOCTOR EVIL: Yes, but this year shall be different! SEND IN THE LOLAS!!! FRAU FARBISSINA: SEND IN THE LOLAS!!! Everyone covers his or her ears due to the shrieking call of Frau. DOCTOR EVIL: Ladies and Gentlemen, I’d like to present the scourge of Christmas… from the movie Bad Santa, it’s the evil dwarf, Marcus! MARCUS walks out wearing an elf costume. MARCUS: Listen to me, you honky motherfucker. We prefer to be called little people, not fucking midgets! You call me a midget one more time, I’m gonna break my foot off in yo’ ass! DOCTOR EVIL: He’s adorable! Let’s buy him a present! Come, Marcus! Take your rightful place at my side! MARCUS: Shiiiiit. Marcus sits down on Doctor Evil’s left side. Mini-Me, sitting on Dr. Evil’s right, growls at him. Marcus gives him the finger. MARCUS: Don’t you be growling at me, Mini-Beeeotch. I’ll drop kick yo’ ass down a mail slot. DOCTOR EVIL: MOVING ON! From the movie CABIN FEVER, I present this vile of FLESH EATING VIRUS!!! MUSIC: BUM! BUM! BUM! NUMBER TWO: It looks like a can of C2 to me. DOCTOR EVIL: Same difference! From the movie, DREAMCATCHER, it’s MR. GRAY! MR. GRAY walks out. MR. GRAY: (Proper English accent) Why thank you, Doctor Evil, it’s a pleasure to be here. (American) No, I don’t want to be here, why are you doing this? (English) Because I am evil and in control of your body, Jonesy. Mwah! (American) You will never control me. (English) Oh no? Look! I’m touching your rectum! (American) OH GOD! NO, THAT WHERE POO GAS COMES FROM! CANCERMAN: (Rolls eyes) I’m sure Mr. Gay will be a fine addition to our group. MR. GRAY: Gray. CANCERMAN: That’s what I said. Gay. MR. GRAY: Gray. DONNIE WALBURG: GAY! Everyone looks at Donnie Walburg who just stands there drooling in nothing but his underwear. DOCTOR EVIL: MOVING ON! They were the major villains in the 3rd season of Enterprise and now we have their most vicious member here… Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you… XINDI BRADY!!! Cute little CINDY BRADY walks over wearing Xindi makeup. XINDI BRADY: Hello. I’m Thindy Brady and I ready to therve The Legion of Lame Asthes. EVERYONE: (Cutesy) Awwwwwwwwwwwww! FAT BASTARD: She doesn’t look that evil tah me. DOCTOR EVIL: Oh no? XINDI! LOOK! IT’S EVE PLUMB AND SHE’S GOT A JOB! XINDI BRADY: HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!! Xindi Brady leaps at Eve Plumb who just happened to be walking by wearing a Burger King uniform in an amazing stretch of suspension of disbelief and devours her whole. FAT BASTARD: HOLY SHITTE!!! DOCTOR EVIL: From THE HAUNTED MANSION, I give you… RAMSLEY! RAMSLEY appears in a thunderclap and a puff of black smoke. His eyes glow red for a moment. RAMSLEY: I assure you, sir, I am not evil… and I’m not a ghost. I am most definitely not a ghost. CANCERMAN: What are you talking about? You are too a ghost! When I first saw you, I was all like… Hey, that guy is a ghost… and he’s evil! RAMSLEY: I am not evil. ALOTTA FAGINA: Then why do you have a knife to that poor kitten’s neck? RAMSLEY: I’m not a ghost. FAT BASTARD: You walked through me in the lobby! RAMSLEY: I’m just a humble butler. DOCTOR EVIL: A humble dead EVIL butler! But enough about him! Meet our member from the movie, HOUSE OF THE DEAD! FAT BASTARD: That Spanish zombie? DOCTOR EVIL: NO! Director Ewe Boll! EWE BOLL enters. He is wearing a T-Shirt with RIGHT and LEFT printed on the appropriate side and a pair of pants with the zipper down that says TGIF which stands for, of course, “toes go in first.” He’s also wearing a beanie hat and holding a large lollipop. EWE BOLL: I ARE GOOD DIRECTING TYPE PERSON! BLOODRAYNE AM BEING AWESOME! CAMERAS STEAL YOUR SOUL! DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUR! FAT BASTARD screams in terror and jumps out the window. DOCTOR EVIL: From the movie, Kill Bill, it’s… Fat Bastard flies back into the room through the window and lands in his seat. FAT BASTARD: Ah bounced! A beat. DOCTOR EVIL: From the movie, KILL BILL, it’s Vernita Green! VERNITA GREEN: Hello, and let me just say it’s an honor working with… UMA THURMAN: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!! Uma Thurman swings into frame and chops Vernita in half with a sword. She walks off leaving everyone stunned. MARCUS: HOLY SHIT! DID YOU SEE THAT!? CANCERMAN: I think the real question is, who DIDN’T see that coming. Doctor Evil, allow me to introduce MY contribution to this year’s LOLA army… This is Lord Marshal from THE CHRONICLES OF RIDDICK! LORD MARSHALL walks in. CANCERMAN: Lord Marshal… LORD MARSHAL: Please, call me Cliff. CANCERMAN: Cliff, have you made any progress. LORD MARSHAL: Progress? Ha, ha! I am Lord Cliff Marshal! I have been scouring the universe for a way back into the underverse for years! FAT BASTARD: Under the universe? LORD MARSHAL: No, through the underverse. MARCUS: Oh, you mean over the oververse? LORD MARSHAL: No! Under! The Underverse! MR. GRAY: How do you go under something that’s already under? LORD MARSHAL: I’m not going under the underverse. RAMSLEY: He’s going over the underverse. NUMBER TWO: But if he goes over, he’ll miss it completely! LORD MARSHAL: Which is why I’m going through it. A beat. Fat Bastard farts. LORD MARSHAL: Anyway, in my quest to get to the underverse, I discovered this! Lord Marshal takes a sheet off what looks like a large Stargate, revealing a red portal. DOCTOR EVIL: What IS it, Cliff? LORD MARSHAL: It’s a portal to the most dangerous, evil, and stickiest place imaginable… A place of bad CGI monsters, terrible cheap sequels, and Shannon Tweed… Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you THE PORTAL TO DIRECT TO VIDEO HELL!!! Lighting flash!!! DOCTOR EVIL: Yes, and it is there that we shall exile our most hated enemies… those who time and time again screw up our plans for world domination! I, of course, refer to… MULDER AND SCULLY! FAT BASTARD: And Doggett and Reyes. DOCTOR EVIL: Who? CANCERMAN: You know, the other two assholes who hang around them. DOCTOR EVIL: What other two assholes? SUDDENLY, WE ARE IN SKINNER’S OFFICE. SKINNER IS CUTTING OUT ORIGAMI OF A NAKED WOMEN WHEN MULDER, REYES, SCULLY, and DOGGETT walk in. SKINNER: Oh good, you’re here. (To intercom) Doris, get in here. Doris walks in DORIS: HI, I’M DORIS! SKINNER: Doris, get me some coffee. DORIS: NO! Doris leaves SKINNER: Damn, she’s sexy. Have a seat. Mulder, Scully, Doggett, and Reyes go to sit down. SKINNER: STOP! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? SCULLY: We’re sitting down. SKINNER: Do I go rubbing my ass on your furniture! I think nyet! You sit on the floor! They all look at each other and sit on the floor. MULDER: Director Skinner, I… SKINNER: STOP! MULDER: Buh…? SKINNER: From now on you must refer to me by my new name… TINA!!! MULDER: Uh, Tina? Why did you need to see us? SKINNER: I’m sorry, but your question must be in the form of an answer! SCULLY: …the FUCK do you want!? SKINNER: Doctor Evil and LOLA are back. Mulder, Scully, Reyes, and Doggett look at each other and then start taking out calendars. REYES: Shit, is it that time again? A close-up of Reyes’ calendar shows that each date is marked “BINGE” and then “PURGE” and then “BINGE” and then “PURGE” and so on. SCULLY: I freakin’ hate Doctor Evil and LOLA. SKINNER: Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah! It’s not polite to hate. It makes me sad when people say they hate someone else. I hate people like that! DOGGETT: Can you PLEASE just tell us what Doctor Evil is up to? SKINNER: Yes. A beat. DOGGETT: What is Doctor Evil up to? SKINNER: Doctor Evil and LOLA are attempting to breach the dimensional barrier into a evil alternate universe known as DIRECT TO VIDEO HELL!!! CHORUS: Dun Dun DUNNNNNNNNNNNN! SKINNER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it and if you don’t I will cry, is to find Doctor Evil and his new LOLA forces and stop them from doing this very naughty thing. To help you in the matter, I have enlisted the help of one of the greatest superheroes of all time. You will meet this hero at the White Castle. Thank you for playing, please leave now. SCULLY: Gladly. They all turn to go. Skinner holds up a small can of cinnamon and shakes it. SKINNER: Wait! Before you leave, have some cinnamon. MULDER: I don’t want any… SKINNER: Aw, c’mon… have some cinnamon. MULDER: But I… SKINNER: Please, please, please, please! MULDER: Oh, all right. I’ll take some cinnamon. He takes a handful SKINNER: HA HA! You’ve been tricked! That’s not cinnamon… it’s BASIL! MUSIC STING! SKINNER: Now you will DIE of Basil poisoning! Ha, ha, ha! Everyone leaves disgusted. MEANWHILE…! SCOTT EVIL is running from DENNIS and ELWOOD. MATTHEW LILLARD and DAX SHEPARD fall into place next to Scott Evil. Lillard is dressed up like Shaggy from Scooby Doo. SCOTT EVIL: Dax! Matt! They’re after you too? MATTHEW LILLARD: Like, this is one crazy chase sequence! DAX SHEPARD: Yeah, I bet you that Jason and Jesse have no idea how to end it. SCOTT EVIL: So this is different from the other LOLA stories how? DENNIS and ELWOOD catch up to them. They fire a rifle into the air causing the three guys to stop. ELWOOD: This is gonna be sweet. DENNIS: Got any last words? SCOTT EVIL: OH GOD! PLEASE DON’T KILL ME!!! A beat. Everyone starts laughing. SCOTT EVIL: What are you all laughing at? DAX SHEPARD: You just got PUNK’D, dude! SCOTT EVIL: DUDE, YOU DID NOT JUST FUCKING PUNK ME! DAX SHEPARD: DUDE, WE TOTALLY DID! SCOTT EVIL: YOU FUCKING BASTARDS! Where’s Ashton? ASHTON KUTCHER walks out. Demi Moore is in one arm and Bruce Willis is in the other. Both are rubbing his nipples. SCOTT EVIL: DUDE! ASHTON KUTCHER: Did we just PUNK you or what!? SCOTT EVIL: DUDE, YOU TOTALLY PUNK’D ME! DEMI MOORE: YOU WERE PUNK’D LIKE A LITTLE BITCH! SCOTT EVIL: I WAS PUNK’D, MAN! BRUCE WILLIS: LIKE A LITTLE BITCH! Everyone laughs. Dennis and Elwood stand there, raise their guns, and start blasting away at Ashton, Demi, and Bruce. They fall down dead. Scott Evil, Dax, and Matthew Lillard look at them in shock. SCOTT EVIL: Hey! You said this was a Punk! DAX SHEPARD: Yeah, we were surprising you by having Lillard dress up as Shaggy and chase you. SCOTT EVIL: Oh my GOD! You guys are SO out of ideas! BLAM! BLAM! Elwood and Dennis shoot Matthew Lillard and Dax Shepard. MATTHEW LILLARD: GAME OVER, MAN! GAME OVER! SCOTT EVIL: SHIT! Scott Evil runs into the woods. He comes to a cliff overlooking a river below. With nothing else to do, he LEAPS INTO THE WATER! Dennis and Elwood stop at the cliff. DENNIS: THE LITTLE BASTARD DONE GOT AWAY! ELWOOD: It’s okay! We’ll catch him at the bend! They run off. MEANWHILE... AT DOCTOR EVIL’S HEADQUARTERS!!! Doctor Evil walks into a dark room. There is a man sitting in front of a fireplace, but we don’t see his face. MAN: Is the plan underway? DOCTOR EVIL: You’d better believe it’s frickkin’ underway! No one knows what’s coming… not my henchmen, not my right hand men… no one! MAN: Good… the ultimate power will soon be yours, Doctor Evil. DOCTOR EVIL: Yes, and everyone is PLAYING RIGHT INTO MY HANDS!!! MWAH, HA, HA, HA, HA!!! MEANWHILE... AT WHITE CASTLE!!! Mulder, Scully, Reyes, and Doggett are talking to NEIL PATRICK HARRIS. NEIL PATRICK HARRIS: Sorry about stealing your car. I was really wasted last night. MULDER: Yeah, thanks to you, we had a hell of a time getting to White Castle! We could have been killed! SCULLY: Mulder, all we did was take the bus. NEIL PATRICK HARRIS: Anyway, here’s two hundred for the car and sorry about the back seat. I made some love stains. A beat. NEIL PATRICK HARRIS: You’ll see. NEIL PATRICK HARRIS walks out the door but is instantly ambushed and torn apart by… CAPTAIN HOOK: ARRRRR, MATEY! TOM CRUISE: I’m a bad bad man. Can’t you tell from my gray hair? PILATE: Sup! MICHAEL ELLIS: Hello! REYES: Oh my GOD! It’s Captain Hook from that terrible PETER PAN movie! MULDER: And Tom Cruise from COLLATERAL! SCULLY: And Pilate from THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST! DOGGETT: And Michael Ellis from HONEY! Everyone looks at Doggett. DOGGETT: What, I can’t be the only one who’s seen it. SCULLY: You fag. REYES: And it’s Harry Heck from THE PUNISHER! Harry pulls out a guitar and starts strumming away. HARRY: Oh, me so horny! Oh, me so horny! Oh, me so horny! Me love you long time! Everyone looks at one another. HARRY: Fuck all you. That’s a good ass song! MULDER: The LOLA’s are on to us! REYES: What do we do now? VOICE: M’row! We fight! They look off screen. HALLE BERRY as CATWOMAN leaps into the picture and hisses at the LOLAs in what is supposed to be an intimidating fashion, but only makes her look like a really big retard. The LOLA’s laugh at her. MULDER: It’s CATWOMAN I.N.O.! REYES: I.N.O.? MULDER: In Name Only! CATWOMAN: What a purrrrrrrrrrrrfect situation! The odds are even, four to four. DOGGETT: Actually, it’s five to four. You forgot to count yourself. CATWOMAN: Awwwwwwwwww. PILATE: Hey Catwoman, where’d you get your outfit from? Madame Minnie Mouse’s House of Pain? CATWOMAN: Don’t you find me sexy? DOGGETT: I don’t. MULDER: Of COURSE you don’t. You love the cock! DOGGETT: Well, do YOU find her sexy? A beat. MULDER: No. Not-Not really, no. CATWOMAN: ENOUGH! WE FIGHT NOW! Catwoman leaps at TOM CRUISE but since he is so short, she misses him and crashes into a display. Doggett starts shooting at Tom Cruise and Tom Cruise starts shooting at Doggett. Several White Castle patrons are caught in the crossfire mercifully sparing them from having to eat any of White Castle’s food. Meanwhile… CAPTAIN HOOK and MULDER are facing off. CAPTAIN HOOK: I’m going to KEELHAUL YEE and then go and find a 13 year old to lust after and touch in inappropriate places! MULDER: Now I know why Michael Jackson calls his house Neverland! You’re version of Peter Pan was fucked up! CAPTAIN HOOK: Any last words, Laddie? MULDER: Yeah, you’ve got an eye booger. CAPTAIN HOOK: Really? Captain Hook goes to pick out the eye booger, but only stabs himself in the eye with his hook hand. His hook gets stuck and he only ends up ripping his face and large portion of his brain out. It lands on the fryer with the other hamburgers. MEANWHILE Pilate has Reyes nailed to a cross and is hoisting it up! REYES: HELP ME! SCULLY: Oh great, Reyes is getting nailed again! REYES: HELP ME, DAMMIT! PILATE: No one can save you now! I wash my hands of the whole thing! VOICE: NOT SO FAST! Pilate and Reyes look and see… JESUS: DROP THAT WOMAN! PILATE: JESUS! IT’S JESUS! JESUS: Drop that woman or I’ll… PILATE: I’m sorry, Jesus! Here, look! She’s coming down. Pilate pulls Reyes off the cross. JESUS: I forgive you and love you, Pilate. PILATE: Really? JESUS: Yeah, c’mere you knucklehead! PILATE: Wow, Jesus, you’re cool! Perhaps I should get to know you better. JESUS: Indeed, let’s go take a walk on the lake. Jesus and Pilate leaves. Reyes cocks her head in confusion. MEANWHILE… DOGGET and TOM CRUISE are still shooting at each other. Both of them are missing. Doggett fires on Tom, only to accidentally shoot the plastic knife dispenser, which starts malfunctioning and spraying those little plastic knives everywhere. HARRY HECK: (Singing) Billie Jean is not my lover, she’s just a girl who thinks that I am the one! But the kid is not my son! EEEHEE! He’s suddenly impaled by the plastic knives. HARRY HECK: FUCK! MEANWHILE… Michael Ellis and Scully are sitting at a table. Scully has a diet shake while Ellis is eating a cheeseburger. Scully seems transfixed on Ellis. SCULLY: So you can really make me a dance star? MICHAEL ELLIS: Can I make you a dance star? Scully, your ticket to stardom is only a hop, skip, and a hump away! SCULLY: What? MICHAEL ELLIS: Oh, I’m sorry… I meant it’s a hop, skip, and a fuck away. D’ah… I mean, it’s a hop, skip, and a sleep with me for my favors or I’ll destroy your career away! A beat. MICHAEL ELLIS: I’m a man and therefore better than you. GRUNT! GRUNT! GRUNT! A beat. MICHAEL ELLIS: Anyway, you could be a great dancer! You could choreograph for the best! Missy Elliot, Janet Jackson, Fred Astaire, Dustin Diamond! SCULLY: Oh, Michael! You’re my best friend! MICHAEL ELLIS: Yeah, I… He farts loudly. He looks down at the hamburger in front of him. MICHAEL ELLIS: DAMN YOU WHITE CASTLE!!! Ellis runs for the bathroom, but finds HAROLD and KUMAR already waiting in line looking equally uncomfortable. KUMAR: Harold, what were we thinking! White Castle food blows ass! HAROLD: Speaking of blowing ass! Harold bursts into the bathroom as the person inside exits. MICHAEL ELLIS: OH, POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP! BLAM! Ellis explodes showering the restaurant in diarrhea. Some falls on the grill and cooks along side White Castle’s horrible food. No one seems to be able to tell the difference. MEANWHILE! Doggett and Tom Cruise are still shooting at each other but have long since ran out of bullets and have resorted to making “BANG!” sounds instead of actually firing. Reyes clobbers Tom Cruise over the head with Pilate’s cross and knocks him out. Catwoman pulls herself out of the destroyed display and stretches like a cat… making herself look even more retarded. CATWOMAN: What a purrrrrrrrrrrfect plan. Have all the LOLA’s been defeated? REYES: All but Pilate… Jesus forgave him of his sins and then took him out on a walk at the lake. SCULLY: What a wonderful man. Meanwhile at the lake, Jesus is standing on the water’s surface as Pilate is trashing about in the water. JESUS: Oh look, here comes the sharks from Open Water! PILATE: ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH! Back at White Castle. MULDER: All right, Shatwoman. What’s the story? CATWOMAN: I have purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrtinate information about where Doctor Evil is constructing his portal into Direct to Video Hell – where CATWOMAN 2 is currrrrrrrently in purrrrrrduction. I will lead you there. Let’s go! Everyone rushes into Mulder’s car, except Catwoman. They look out the car at her. SCULLY: Well? Are you going to get in or what? CATWOMAN: Don’t any of you have a pet carrrrrrier? DOGGETT: We have Reyes. MULDER: She said “pet carrier” not “VD carrier”, you ass-pipe! DOGGETT: Oh. REYES: HEY! SCULLY: Oh for… GET IN THE CAR, YOU STUPID BITCH! CATWOMAN: Can I drive? EVERYONE: NO! CATWOMAN: (Sadly) Okay. DOGGETT: You can sit on the stain. REYES: (Disappointed) Awww… she gets all the fun. Catwoman climbs into the back seat between Doggett and Reyes as Scully rolls her eyes as they drive off. As they drive away, Tom Cruise exits the White Castle, rubbing the back of his head and in considerably less pain than someone who might have actually eaten White Castle food. TOM CRUISE: Ow! What was that psycho thinking! Knocking me out! Well, I’ll show her! But I have no back-up! Okay, think Tom, think! You gotta roll with it! Adapt! I know! I’ll call Dr. Evil for more LOLA’s! He pulls out a cell phone and dials up Dr. Evil. DR. EVIL: Hello? Doctor Evil here! TOM CRUISE: Doctor! I need more LOLAS! DR. EVIL: What? Those bitches don’t just grow on trees, you know! TOM CRUISE: There’s enough to fill one of these parodies a year, aren’t there? DR. EVIL: Good point. Okay! They’re all ready to meet you there. TOM CRUISE: You’re kidding. DR. EVIL: No. Tom turns around and sees there are six LOLAS there for him. TOM CRUISE: Who are they? DR. EVIL: First off, from THE CHRONICLES OF RIDDICK, it’s Lord Marshal’s untrustworthy flunky, VAAKO! TOM CRUISE: Fucko? VAAKO: NO! Vaako! TOM CRUISE: Got it. Bozo. VAAKO: It’s Vaako! TOM CRUISE: I know. But you still look like a fucking clown. DR. EVIL: From UNDERWORLD, it’s KRAVEN! KRAVEN: Yessssss… DOCTOR E-VIL sent MEEE! Kraven dives to the ground and starts LITERALLY chewing the scenery. DR. EVIL: From STARSKY & HUTCH, it’s Reese Feldman! FELDMAN: Bye-bye heroes! We’re going to take them DOWN! DR. EVIL: From DODGEBALL, it’s White Goodman! TOM CRUISE: Wait, we’re recruiting from Dodgeball? Oh come on! That’s just dumb! WHITE GOODMAN: Oh, I don't think I'm a lot dumber than you think that I thought I once was. TOM CRUISE: What? Okay, I'm not sure where you're trying to go with this. WHITE GOODMAN: Well, I'm not sure where you're going with this. TOM CRUISE: All right. WHITE GOODMAN: Touché! DR. EVIL: You’ll also be working with Captain Hook! TOM CRUISE: Captain Hook? But he just got killed! DR. EVIL: No, no. Different Captain Hook. Tom looks over to see CAPTAIN HOOK from HOOK standing there. TOM CRUISE: Ohhhh shit. Hook? HOOK: Yeah… Definitely Hook. Yeah. Six LOLA’s. Yeah. Definitely six. Gonna be four soon. Yeah. TOM CRUISE: Goddammit… Who’s the last LOLA? DR. EVIL: From KILL BILL, it’s O-REN ISHII! O-Ren bows. She then immediately chops off Feldman’s head. TOM CRUISE: JESUS! O-REN ISHII: As a new member of LOLA, I encourage you from time to time, and always in a respectful manner, to question my logic. If you're unconvinced that a particular plan of action I've decided is the wisest, tell me so, but allow me to convince you and I promise you right here and now, no subject will ever be taboo. Except, of course, the subject that was just under discussion. The price you pay for bringing up either my Chinese or American heritage as a negative is - I collect your fucking head. Just like this fucker here. Now, if any of you sons of bitches got anything else to say, now's the fucking time. I didn't think so. TOM CRUISE: But he didn’t do anything! O-REN ISHII: Oh… My bad. UMA THURMAN: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!! Uma Thurman swings into frame and chops O-Ren in half with a sword. She walks off leaving everyone stunned. TOM CRUISE: HOLY SHIT! AGAIN? DR. EVIL: Okay… So I sent Four LOLA’s. Deal with it. I OUT! BITCH! Dr. Evil hangs up. Tom looks at the phone and then at the four LOLA’s with him. TOM CRUISE: All right. Let’s get out of here. TAXI! A taxi stops and they all pile in. TOM CRUISE: (To cabbie) Okay, pal. Just play it cool and if everything works out… you might make it through the night! The cabbie turns around. It’s REVEREND JIM from TAXI. REVEREND JIM: Sure! Uhhh… Where you uhhh… headed? TOM CRUISE: FOLLOW THAT CAR! REVEREND JIM: Got it! He peels out and they race off. The cab weaves through traffic and is barely avoiding other cars and zooming through intersections. The LOLA’s are sliding around in the back of the cab. KRAVEN: YELLOW LIGHT! YELLOW LIGHT! REVEREND JIM: What does that mean? TOM CRUISE: SLOW DOWN! REVEREND JIM: What… does… that… mean? EVERYONE: AHHHHH! TOM CRUISE: LOOK OUT! IT’S JASON BOURNE DRIVING! They narrowly avoid Jason Bourne in his car as it crashes into a wall. JASON BOURNE: MATT DAMON! He dies. TOM CRUISE: LOOK OUT! IT’S THOSE SUPERMODEL BANK ROBBERS FROM “TAXI”! REVEREND JIM: WHAT??? TOM CRUISE: Not that “Taxi”, asshole! The one with Queen Latifah and the guy from Saturday Night Live! REVEREND JIM: Wow! I can only wonder who’s playing me! TOM CRUISE: ARRRHHHH!!!! The cars crash. GISELE: (Inaudible Eurotrash model speak) HOOK: I’m an excellent driver. Very good driver! The supermodels die. MEANWHILE… at Dr. Evil’s place… Dr. Evil is sitting in his chair and playing with a Game Boy. DR. EVIL: I’ll teach you, Pikachu! Marcus! Get Doctor Evil a coffee, would you? MARCUS: A coffee? A fucking coffee? Oh I see how it is! You want to make the black man get your coffee, that it? DR. EVIL: What? No! I just wanted you to get me a drink. Like Mini-Me would! You know, how you people always serve me. MARCUS: “YOU PEOPLE”? MOTHERFUCKER! DR. EVIL: Henchmen! I mean henchmen! You’re overreacting! I’m not being short with you! MARCUS: WHAT? “SHORT”? THAT’S IT, BITCH! YOUR KNEECAPS ARE MINE! HIIYYAAA! He pulls out a pair of nunchucks and starts swinging them around. FAT BASTARD: Ach, lookit that! Sausages! E’re MYNE! Fat Bastard grabs the nunchucks and eats them. MARCUS: Shit. Well, okay, since my nunchucks are gone, I’ll get your coffee in a bit… when I’m ready! Mini-Me hears this and hops off his chair and sneaks into the kitchen. He hurries over to the coffee and switches the contents of the coffee can with the virus from CABIN FEVER. Mini-Me giggles as he hurries off. Marcus then comes in and is about to reach for the can when all of a sudden, Fat Bastard stomps in. FAT BASTARD: Aye! Hol’ up there little man! Ah need some coffee of me own! I need to be a li’l regular fer my crap! MARCUS: So take the damn coffee then! I don’t care! I’m just gonna get some booze! Marcus gets a flask of whiskey and leaves. Fat Bastard is about to scoop some of the coffee into the coffee maker when he just dumps the can into his mouth. He then starts to rub his stomach as it starts gurgling. FAT BASTARD: Ach, I dinna think it agreed with me! He walks off. We then see Dr. Evil still sighing in his chair. DR. EVIL: I’m so misunderstood. My son hates me, my enemies keep winning… And I think some of the LOLA’s may be conspiring against me. NUMBER TWO: Dr. Evil! That’s just silly! FRAU FARBISSINA: Ja, Doktor Evil! No one would conspire against you! Dr. Evil looks over to see Cancer Man and Lord Marshal whispering to one another. They look at Dr. Evil and then start giggling. Dr. Evil looks worried. Suddenly, SHERRY PALMER from 24 springs up by Dr. Evil! SHERRY PALMER: Don’t worry, Dr. Evil! I can help! DR. EVIL: Holy! Where did you come from? SHERRY PALMER: Hades. But that’s not important! HISSSSSSSS!!! DR. EVIL: Okay! But what can you do? SHERRY PALMER: Dr. Evil, I can conspire, break laws and engage in generally illegal and corrupt behavior all in the name of bettering your career! DR. EVIL: And what do you want in return? SHERRY PALMER: Well… how does your firstborn male child sound? HISSSSSSS! A pause. SHERRY PALMER: I’m EVIL! DR. EVIL: Riiiiiight. Okay, fine. But getting my son is going to be a chore. He’s currently on the lam. But by the time you finish helping me, he’ll be back here… no problem! Dr. Evil starts to laugh. Everyone else starts to laugh around him. They all then start to laugh louder and louder. They then stop and stand around awkwardly. MEANWHILE… Scott Evil is still running from Dennis and Elwood. He’s running through the woods. SCOTT EVIL: Okay. This is bad. But you’ve seen “Knockaround Guys”, so there’s always worse. DENNIS: Come on out boy! We gonna find you! ELWOOD: Hyuk! SCOTT EVIL: Oh crap! Jesus, I know I’ve been evil. I know I’ve broken a couple commandments… mainly the ones about coveting things… but if you could get me out of this, I’d be eternally grateful! We then see Jesus sitting in his loft apartment. MARY MAGDALENE walks up to him. MARY MAGDALENE: Hey, Jesus… are you going to get that prayer? JESUS: Eh… I’ll get it later. I wanna watch “Method & Red”. Jesus walks up to his TIVO. JESUS: HEY! DADDAMMIT, WHO FORGOT TO SET THE TIMER FOR MY SHOWS? A pause. JESUS: Judaaaaaasss? JUDAS: Sorry, dude. My bad. Jesus sighs. We then see Scott in the forest being cornered by Dennis and Elwood. They’re about to grab him when we hear… VOICE: Want… want some candy? DENNIS: What was that? ELWOOD: I don’t see anyone… All of a sudden, a PREDATOR leaps down from the trees and starts kicking the crap out of the two of them. SCOTT EVIL: THIS is the savior! He’s gonna kill me too! VOICE: Not if we have anything to say about it! Suddenly, LANCE HENRIKSEN, BILL PAXTON, MICHAEL BIEHN and GARY BUSEY show up. SCOTT EVIL: What the hell? What are you guys here for? LANCE HENRIKSEN: We’ve come to stop those alien bastards! We’re the Team Waging Against Terrible Sapiens! BILL PAXTON: We’re in T.W.A.T.S.! GARY BUSEY: I like bananas! EEK EEK! MICHAEL BIEHN: Now quick, come with us if you want to live. It looks like the Predator is going to have his hands full with those two for a while! SCOTT EVIL: Where are we going? LANCE HENRIKSEN: Someplace perfectly safe. They pass by a sign that says “Camp Crystal Lake”. MEANWHILE… Mulder and the gang are parked on the side of the road trying to fix a flat tire. Mulder has the car up on a jack. MULDER: I don’t see why I have to do this… SCULLY: Because you drove out of the parking lot the wrong damn way, stupid. MULDER: Well, all we need is the spare and we can get on our way! CATWOMAN: Oh! Let me get it! SCULLY: No! Wait! Catwoman grabs the tire, but because she has those stupid claws, the tire pops and goes flat as well. SCULLY: You dumb bitch. DOGGETT: Well, now what? How the hell are we going to get to Dr. Evil now? VOICE: You DON’T! They turn around to see a soaking Tom Cruise, Hook, Vaako, Kraven and White Goodman behind them. TOM CRUISE: Now we’ve got you right where we want you! REYES: Oh god! You’re going to kill us all, aren’t you? VAAKO: We’ve got something far more humiliating in store for you! MULDER: Ass rape? WHITE GOODMAN: NO! DOGGETT: (Disappointed) Aw… WHITE GOODMAN: DODGEBALL!!! BOING! Mulder is suddenly hit in the face with a dodgeball! Another is thrown at our heroes but Doggett catches it. DOGGETT: Ha! Six years of torturing the nerds in my high school finally pays off! SCULLY: Isn’t high school only for four years? BOING! Scully is now hit! SCULLY: Asshole! Another dodgeball is thrown but it bounces off Catwoman’s boobs and smacks Vaako in the head. But due to a wooden demeanor, it bounces off his head and smacks into Kraven’s crotch. KRAVEN: AAGH! My… BALLS! Have been… HIT! AIEEEE! Mulder picks up a dodgeball and throws it, but since he throws like a girl, it hits the ground first and rolls harmlessly towards the car, where it hits the jack and knocks it out letting the car down and roll towards Kraven and over his feet. KRAVEN: OH… GOD! My… FOOTSIES! ARRRRR! SCULLY: Holy shit, Mulder! Good job! MULDER: Thanks, partner! A Dodgeball hits Mulder again. WHITE GOODMAN: Ooh! Mulder loves Scully! SCULLY: That’s it. This is just stupid. Scully pulls out a gun and shoots the dodgeball. DODGEBALL: ARGH! WILSON from CASTAWAY shows up. WILSON: NOOOOOOOOOOO! MY LOV-AH! MULDER: How do we get away from these assholes! REYES: I know! Follow me! They follow her. We then see them on an airplane. SCULLY: Hey, this isn’t too bad. Good job Reyes! I don’t know why everyone says you’re nothing but a worthless jizz-guzzling hippo-whore! REYES: (Oblivious) Thanks, Scully! DOGGETT: Hey… what airline is this anyways? CAPTAIN: (Over radio) I wanna welcome you all aboard… THE SOUL PLANE! EVERYONE: NOOOOOOOOOOOO! CAPTAIN: (Over radio) Now where all the white wimmins at? Come on up to the cockpit and let the captain punch yo ticket! REYES: Well, I’ll be right back guys! SCULLY: I hate you. Back on the ground, Tom Cruise and the others see the plane taking off. VAAKO: Well NOW what? Tom Cruise looks over at the airfield and sees a couple of fighter jets. TOM CRUISE: I feel the need… FOR SPEED! WHITE GOODMAN: Too late. I think Kraven smoked all of it. We see Kraven hyper and bouncing off the walls. Tom sighs. ------------------------------------------------------ COMMERCIAL BREAK Coming soon to FOX, we’ve got an all-new fall lineup that has to be seen to get ratings! We’ve taken all your favorite shows and mixed ‘em altogether because that’s how we know you like it. Just like mixed nuts! You love nuts! And nothing’s more nutty than FOX! MONDAY! They’re SG1, they’re in Atlantis… well now just see what happens when Stargate goes where every show in TV is currently going! STARGATE: LAS VEGAS! It’s a Stargate… but in SIN CITY! It’s like a big roulette wheel! STARGATE: LAS VEGAS! TUESDAY! Everyone loves Hawaii! They love it more than Vegas! So tune in as we bring back old favorite Chuck Norris for WALKER TEXAS RANGER: HAWAII! It’s Walker… but with more POI! WEDNESDAY! What child doesn’t love Pokemon? NONE! That’s why hit creator Dick Wolf is bringing his special brand of justice to children’s TV with POKEMON: CRIMINAL INTENT! See why Team Rocket is a bunch of assholes! THURSDAY! NJCECASISGIR! We don’t know what it’s about, but people love shows with initials! FRIDAY! Since no one likes Enterprise, we’ve improved it with a FOX attitude! We replaced the cast with MONKEYS! Except Jolene Blalock. But since we’re Fox, it doesn’t matter if it’s good or bad, because we cancel all our Friday shows! SATURDAY! If you’re watching TV on the weekend… KILL YOURSELF! SUNDAY! Desperate Housewives is a huge hit! So we’ve taken that and combined it with NBC’s reality show The Biggest Loser! So now stay home and watch DESPERATE LOSERS! (Formerly known as “Method & Red”) This year, it’s all on FOX! And you’re a dirty whore! ------------------------------------------------------ WE NOW INTERRUPT THIS STORY TO BRING YOU AN IMPORTANT UPDATE! WITH OUR ANCHORMAN, RON BURGUNDY! RON BURGUNDY: Hey there, readers! Jesse and Jason want me to keep you people posted with all the plots going on right now! Skinner has sent Mulder, Scully, Doggett, Reyes and Catwoman to try and stop LOLA from breaching the barrier to straight-to-video hell! But LOLA’s not going to let that happen! No she won’t! See, LOLA is a hard and firm woman, but she gives good BJ’s! Anyways, Dr. Evil sent Tom Cruise and a bunch of other LOLA’s to go after them. It doesn’t seem to be working. Much like women in the workplace! Meanwhile, Dr. Evil is worried about people conspiring against him, so he brought in Sherry Palmer to take care of it. Which is bullshit because the only conspiracy there is Mini-Me trying to take out Marcus, only to end up slipping a flesh- eating virus to Fat Bastard! Fan-tastic! At the same time, Scott Evil is being chased by Dennis and Elwood, but they were all about to be killed by a Predator if it hadn’t been for the debut of T.W.A.T.! I love TWAT! It’s my favorite cologne! That’s all for now, folks. Stay tuned and stay classy America! I’m Ron Burgundy? JASON: Dammit, Jesse! Why did you have to add the question mark at the end? JESSE: BECAUSE I HAVE NOWHERE ELSE TO GO! MEANWHILE… AT CAMP CRYSTAL LAKE Scott Evil, Lance Lendrickson, Bill Paxton, Michael Biehn, and Gary Busey are walking through the abandoned camp. They look around nervously. SCOTT EVIL: Hey guys, isn’t this place a little dangerous? I mean, this is where Jason lives, right? BILL PAXTON: Don’t worry, little amigo. You see, Jason is like a great moral equalizer… if you stay good and stay away from alcohol, premarital sex, and drugs you should be fine. Suddenly… JASON is standing there with a machete!!! SCOTT EVIL: Oh SHIT! I thought you said if we stayed away from sex, drugs, and alcohol we’d be fine! Lance Hendrickson: We should be! I don’t understand what could have attracted him! Gary Busey is drinking a large bottle of Jack Daniels and smoking a joint. GARY BUSEY: THE COW GOES BARK BARK! LANCE HENDRICKSON: BLAST! SCOTT EVIL: But what about sex? No one here had… Michael Biehn raises his hand slowly. LANCE HENDRICKSON: DAMMIT, BEIHN! MICHAEL BIEHN: What? Don’t look at me like that! You said we were through! BILL PAXTON: Huh? Michael! You never told me about you and Lance! MICHAEL BIEHN: I didn’t know what you’d think of me! SCOTT EVIL: ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH! GARY BUSEY: AH’M A COMPUTER! BEEP BEEP! Gary Busey grabs Scott Evil by the arm and takes off just as Jason cuts Michael Biehn, Bill Paxton, and Lance Hendrickson in half. Blood pours out of Biehn and Paxton, but a fine dust spills out of Hendrickson. BILL PAXTON: GAME OVER, MAN! GAME OVER! ACK! They all die. Jason stomps off after Scott and Gary Busey. SCOTT EVIL: My GOD! Gary Busey! You saved my life! GARY BUSEY: WHO WANTS A BODY MASSAGE!? Gary Busey hits Scott Evil’s head against a tree knocking him out. MEANWHILE, IN SCOTT EVIL’S HEAD SCOTT EVIL: DAMN THAT DRUNKEN DRUGGED OUT FUCK! I’ll get him for this! FREDDY KRUGER: NOT IF I GET YOU FIRST! SCOTT EVIL: OH SHIT! BUSEY! WAKE ME UP!!! ARRRRRRRRRRRRRGH! MEANWHILE… MULDER, SCULLY, DOGGET, CATWOMAN, and REYES are climbing out of the ocean and onto a beach. CATWOMAN: WATER! OH MY GOD! WATER! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF! SCULLY: Wow, she hates water about as much as a Frenchman hates soap! DOGGETT: Sorry about the plane, guys. I honestly thought they were bullshitting when they said turning on a cell phone would cause the plane to crash. MULDER: Well, I hope your spot on Crank Yankers is worth it. SCULLY: Actually, just crashing the Soul Plane was worth it. CATWOMAN: Excuse me, I have to go potty. Catwoman squats on the beach and starts taking a loud and splattery crap. DOGGETT: Where the hell are we? REYES: We’re on The Island of Misfit Toys, that’s where! SCULLY: Why the fuck do you think that? Reyes points to a sign that says “REALITY TELEVISION VILLAN ISLAND – A DIVISION OF LOLA”. Mulder smacks her on the back of the head. MULDER: You dumb bitch! That says this is Reality Television Villains Island! The Island of Misfit Toys isn’t real! REYES: What, and like the X-Files are? MULDER: Ah, touché. Catwoman stands up and starts burying her crap. CATWOMAN: Oh, those Enchiladas. SUDDENLY… RICHARD HATCH from SURVIVOR is standing there buck ass naked. RICHARD HATCH: HALT! Who DARES set foot on Reality Television Villains Island!? MULDER: We do, oh shriveled one! RICHARD HATCH: Then you must face the wrath of Contestants On Camera Kompeting for Money And Stuff and being Totally Evil on Reality Shows! C.O.C.K.M.A.S.T.E.R.S. ROLE CALL!!! JOHNNY FAIRPLAY: I’m Johnny Fairplay. I like cheese. Eek eek! ALLISON: I’m Allison from Big Brother 4! I use my body to get what I want. I’m a dirty, dirty, dirty whore! SCULLY: Look, Reyes! It’s a friend for you! COLIN: I’m Colin from The Amazing Race! My girlfriend is stupid and I like to scream a lot! I’m a living personification of why Americans are hated overseas! JASE: I’m Jase from Big Brother 5! Me am gooder bad guy than ever! I love Brad Pitt! I have a pee-pee! DUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRR! JERRI: I’m Jerri from Survivor! I will eat your souls! HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSS! PUCK: I’m Puck from The Real World! I hate gays, people with AIDs, and black people! PAY ATTENTION TO ME! PLEEEEEEEEEEEASE! DOGGETT: Oh my God! All this desperate need for attention! All this whoring for publicity! This can’t get much worse! WILLIAM HUNG: SHE BANGS! SHE BANGS! EVERYONE: SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH! Mulder, Doggett, Reyes, and Scully run into the woods. C.O.C.K.M.A.S.T.E.R.S. follows them brandishing machetes and bolas. IN THE WOODS! MULDER: Hey, these woods look familiar! SCULLY: Familiar in what way? MULDER: I think I saw it in… OH MY GOD, THE HORROR! THE PURE UNBRIDALED STINKY HORROR! We’re on the island used in HOUSE OF THE DEAD! CATWOMAN: Hey, maybe that’s a good thing! Maybe instead of C.O.C.K.M.A.S.T.E.R.S. getting us, they’ll make the same mistakes that the victims in House of the Dead made and end up getting eaten by zombies! DOGGETT: No one is that stupid. MEANWHILE JOHNNY FAIRPLAY: Hey, look everyone! It’s an abandoned rave, the place is trashed, and there is blood, guts, and ass everywhere! COLIN: ALL RIGHT! LET’S GET DRUNK AND PARTY! C.O.C.K.M.A.S.T.E.R.S.: YAY! Suddenly, an army of zombies, a mob of anacondas, more zombies, and thousands of Ewoks descend on the C.O.C.K.M.A.S.T.E.R.S. and starts attacking them. WILLIAM HUNG: Arrrgh! She banged! UWE BOLL: THIS ARE BRILLANT WRITINGS! DUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRR! A giant safe falls on Uwe Boll, killing him. MEANWHILE… MULDER, SCULLY, CATWOMAN, REYES, and DOGGETT are boarding a cruise liner. REYES: It’s a good thing that this cruise liner just happened to stop by when it did, otherwise we might have been trapped on that island forever. MULDER: Yeah, if there’s one thing I don’t want to resort to again, it’s cannibalism. DOGGETT: GROSS! MULDER: Relax, I would have eaten Catwoman first. A beat. DOGGETT: GROSS! That’s some rotten cootchie! SCULLY: He doesn’t mean eat her like that! MULDER: Errr… Right! I don’t mean eat her like that, Captain Ramrod! REYES: What ship is this anyway? GHOST GIRL FROM GHOST SHIP: You’re on… THE GHOST SHIP! EVERYONE: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! SINGER: DEATH! DECAY AND COMPOST THE SHIP IS CURSED! SO YOU WILL SEE! DEATH! IS COMING FOR YOU. ON THIS SHIP FROM A BAD MOVIE! THE GHOST SHIP! FULL OF BAD THINGS AND AWFUL PUNS! THE GHOST SHIP! SPOOKY GIRLS AND DESMOND HARRINGTON! WITH SOME PLOT ABOUT GOLD AND THE DEVIL AND WHO KNOWS WHAT? THIS MOVIE SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKED! ANNOUNCER: THE GHOST SHIP IS FILMED IN FRONT OF A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE! Mulder walks up to Issac at the bar. MULDER: Hey, Issac. ISSAC: HEY! MULDER: How have things been going with you? ISSAC: Oh, you know… cursed to spend all eternity in this hell of water. Tormented every night by screams and demons. MULDER: So it’s like a Celebrity Cruise? ISSAC: Don’t you know it! They laugh. MEANWHILE… JULIE: Hi, I’m Julie the cruise director. REYES: I’m Reyes, the cock erector. They laugh. MEANWHILE… CHARO: COOTCHIE COOTCHIE! Would you like to pet my pussy? MULDER: Sure, if you’ll get that damn cat out of the way! They laugh. MEANWHILE… SCULLY: Doctor, I have an aching pain in my eye everytime I drink? What should I do? DOCTOR BRICKER: Take the straw out of the glass, silly! They laugh. MEANWHILE! DESMOND HARRINGTON: Hello, I’m evil. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! CATWOMAN: M’row. DESMOND HARRINGTON: Arf, arf, arf! CATWOMAN: MEOW! Desmond Harrington chases Catwoman up a mast (which in itself is odd finding a mast on a cruise ship). She looks at him and spits and hisses. MEANWHILE… SCOTT EVIL is in his dreams running away from Freddy Kruger. FREDDY: It’s time for the final cut, little Scottie! SCOTT EVIL: OH GOD! WAKE ME UP! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! Freddy jumps on Scott and tackles him. Just when he’s about to go in for the kill… SCOTT WAKES UP! SCOTT EVIL: AHHHHHHHHHHHH! Scott and Gary Busey are in a cave together. SCOTT EVIL: Gary Busey! I had the worst dream! I dreamed that Freddy Kruger was chasing after me and it was scary and… why is my ass so sore? GARY BUSEY: My fillings pick up XM Radio! Dip-Dip-dipity-DURP! Suddenly… THE LOST SKELETON OF CADAVRA: I HAVE RISEN! SCOTT EVIL: Oh, jeeze… are we really getting this desperate for bad guys? THE LOST SKELETON OF CADAVRA: SILENCE! You are both my slaves and with your help I will rule the world! FREDDY: NOT SO FAST! SCOTT EVIL: Arro? FREDDY: I’ve been drawn into the real world and if anyone is going to rule this bitch, it’s going to be ME!? PREDATOR: Want some candy? SCOTT EVIL: GAH! MUSIC: Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Ma-Ma-Ma-Ma-Ma! JASON is standing there. ALIEN: Hisssssssssssssssssss! SCOTT EVIL: Oh, come on! When did the motherfucking aliens get here!? ---------------- COMMERCIAL BREAK ANNOUNCER: COMING TO THEATERS THIS SUMMER… it’s Freddy vs. Jason vs. Predators vs. Aliens vs. Gary Busey! FREDDY: HA, HA, HA, HA, HAAAAAAAA! ALIEN: Hisssssssssssssssssss! PREDATOR: Shit happens. JASON: … GARY BUSEY: My poo-poo hole goes tbbbbbbbbbbbp! ANNOUNCER: Yes, Freddy vs. Jason vs. Alien vs. Predator vs. Gary Busey or… as our studio advertising execs like to call it… FAG! FREDDY: You are one UGLY motherfucker! GARY BUSEY: I have squirrel teeth, see? ANNOUCER: FAG is coming soon to a theater near you! ---------------- THE LOST SKELETON OF CADAVRA: Hey, they forgot out me! He looks. Jason, Freddy, The Aliens, Predator, and Gary Busey are in fierce combat. Scott Evil is running out the front of the cave. THE LOST SKELETON OF CADAVRA: Hey, wait for me! The alien pounces on the skeleton and tears him to pieces. MEANWHILE! CANCERMAN: The C.O.C.K.M.A.S.T.E.R.S. have failed and T.W.A.T. is hopelessly incompetent! DOCTOR EVIL: Indeed… what we need is a man to really get inside T.W.A.T.… Really feel around and probe to see why T.W.A.T. stinks so much. FAT BASTARD! FAT BASTARD: WHAT!? DOCTOR EVIL: You will find T.W.A.T.. FAT BASTARD: Seriously? DOCTOR EVIL: Yes, Fat Bastard… I command you to find T.W.A.T. and then report back here once you get inside! FAT BASTARD: Ah’m gonna like this mission! ------------------------------------------------------ COMMERCIAL BREAK Coming soon to theaters near you… Spider-Man… Superman… Hulk… Batman… The X-Men… Spawn… Daredevil… Steel… Blade… Hellboy… The Punisher… Catwoman… All these movies have one thing in common… THEY WEREN’T BASED OFF OF A ROB LIEFELD COMIC! Coming this summer: YOUNGBLOOD: THE MOVIE! All those characters you bought tons of comics of that aren’t worth shit today are now coming to the big screen! The guy with the arrows! The guy that looked like Thing! That dude that looked like a gay Deadpool! All of them with tiny feet! YOUNGBLOOD THE MOVIE! IT’S LIKE THE 1990’s ALL OVER AGAIN! ------------------------------------------------------ RON BURGUNDY: Hey there, readers! Ron Burgundy here with yet another recap of this very complicated and barely amusing story. Mulder, Scully, Reyes, Dogget, and Catwoman are on the Ghost Ship sailing to parts unknown blindly hoping that they will stumble onto Doctor Evil’s lair. Meanwhile, Scott Evil has narrowly escaped death as Gary Busey, the Aliens, the Predator, Freddy, Jason, and the Lost Skeleton of Cadavara met in a monumentous battle. Who will live? Who will die? What will happen to Fat Bastard and the flesh eating virus he ingested? Are all of the C.O.C.K.M.A.S.T.E.R.S. dead? What of T.W.A.T.? Can Fat Bastard get inside or is he thinking about a woman’s va-gin-a? Will Marcus take Mini-Me’s place and are the LOLA’s really plotting against Doctor Evil? That’s all for now. I’m Ron Burgundy. Go fuck yourself, America! JASON: JESSE! JESSE: WHAT!? MEANWHILE… In the skies over the ocean, Tom Cruise is flying a jet with Hook in his cockpit… hee hee! I said COCKPIT! TOM CRUISE: Okay, squadron! I want everybody to check in! VAAKO: Uh, this is Vaako here. I’m here with my co-pilot… Anthony Edwards. We see Vaako is indeed in a jet being piloted by ANTHONY EDWARDS. ANTHONY EDWARDS: Goose! Call me Goose, dammit! VAAKO: Uh… yeah. Anyways, things seem to be good over here. Kraven? KRAVEN: Kraven is HERE! But I think my pilot is a little stoned! We see he’s flying with VAL KILMER. VAL KILMER: You ever… you ever gotten into your HAND, man? Look at the LINES! KRAVEN: Yeah. Hey, White? You there? WHITE GOODMAN: Yeah. Hey… Who IS my pilot? His pilot turns around. It’s OWEN WILSON from “Behind Enemy Lines”. WHITE GOODMAN: OWEN? OWEN WILSON: Hey, Ben! How’s it going man! I just didn’t think it’d be a summer project if we didn’t team up for something incredibly stupid! WHITE GOODMAN: Fuck. TOM CRUISE: Okay! We’re nearing the cruise ship we heard Mulder and his buddies are on! The second we get there, we OPEN FIRE! VAL KILMER: I’m already blazing something! TOM CRUISE: DAMMIT, VAL! Back on the Ghost Ship… MULDER: Okay. We’ve gotten away from C.O.C.K.M.A.S.T.E.R.S. and L.O.L.A, but we’re still no closer to the portal to direct to video Hell than we were before! Anyone have any ideas? SCULLY: I don’t. But could someone do something about Desmond Harrington already? He smells like ass and peanut butter and he’s been licking the windows all day! Desmond Harrington is licking a window. DESMOND HARRINGTON: Glass tastes salty! DURRRR! CATWOMAN: Really? Catwoman joins him. DOGGETT: Hey. At least we’re not getting attacked! Suddenly, an explosion goes off. Everyone looks at Doggett and slap him. We see the LOLA fighter jets are flying overhead! SCULLY: Don’t worry everyone! LOOK! It’s Sky Captain! Sky Captain from SKY CAPTAIN AND THE WORLD OF TOMORROW flies by overhead. He waves at them. DOGGETT: How is he flying in a completely CGI plane? MULDER: I don’t know! How DOES he do that? SKY CAPTAIN: I don’t know either! He falls out of his plane and dies hitting the ocean. MULDER: Oh god! Quick! Someone shoot them! SCULLY: With WHAT? Our guns aren’t going to do shit! We need something to launch at them! DOGGETT: I have a M80. I was going to stuff it up a frog’s butt and light it… but you guys can use it. SCULLY: You fucktool! What the hell is an m80 going to do? MULDER: No! Wait! I’ve got a plan! SCULLY: Like what? Shove the M80 up Desmond Harrington’s ass and send him up like a big retard rocket? MULDER: Well… yeah. SCULLY: And who’s going to shove the M80 up his ass? Reyes? MULDER: Well… yeah. SCULLY: Cool. We then see in the jets. Tom Cruise flies his jet over the ship, strafing it with gunfire. All of a sudden, his radar starts beeping! TOM CRUISE: Look out, guys! There’s something incoming! It’s… What the hell? He looks out his window to see Desmond Harrington rocketing up through the air by his ass. DESMOND HARRINGTON: I LOVE LAMP! He smashes into Goose and Vaako’s jet, blowing it up and killing them instantly. TOM CRUISE: GOOOOOOOOOOOOOSE! Retreat! Retreat! Run away! Run away! OWEN WILSON: I’m bailing out! WHITE GOODMAN: What? We didn’t even get hit! Owen bails out. Unfortunately, they were flying upside down. Owen smashes into the ocean at mach 3. He dies. White’s jet is going down! WHITE GOODMAN: I REGRET NOTHING! Except “Envy”, “Along Came Polly”, “Duplex”… He continues to recite his horrible movies as the plane crashes into the ocean. He dies. DOGGETT: Hey, we got two of them! MULDER: SWEET! REYES: We’re winning! Hooray, I’m useful! SCULLY: Shitstains! Look! They turn around to see the boat has a large hole in it and is sinking. MULDER: Shit. MEANWHILE… In the woods… Scott Evil is running from the fierce Alien/Predator/Freddy/Jason/Busey battle. SCOTT EVIL: This fucking sucks! But at least I got away from those psychos! DENNIS: Yeah! But you done forgot about us! ELWOOD: And no one’s gonna save you this time! BLONG! They’re hit from behind. We see THE ROCK from “Walking Tall” is standing behind them, holding a 2x4. THE ROCK: Get your candy-asses up jabronis! The Rock is walking tall! The Rock wants to whoop some redneck ass! The Rock has got wood! An awkward pause. SCOTT EVIL: Weren’t you killed in LOLA 2? THE ROCK: Shut your mouth, little sidekick! We’ve got work to do! SCOTT EVIL: Sidekick? WHAT? THE ROCK: You’re the Rock’s new comedic sidekick! Like Seann William Scott or Johnny Knoxville! SCOTT EVIL: But… I don’t want to… THE ROCK: IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOU WANT! Now we’re going back and we’re going to kick some Alien, Predator, Freddy and Jason ASS! No one comes into the Rock’s forest and kills people! SCOTT: Are you fucking insane! They’ll kill us! They’re monsters! They’re pure evil! And I don’t even want to know what Busey is doing to them! We then see an Alien, a Predator, Freddy and Jason all sitting around a table with Gary Busey playing cards and drinking. GARY BUSEY: And THAT… was how I learned penises shouldn’t be stuck in toasters! It’s a shame too! I loved that toaster! FREDDY: Gary… What is love? PREDATOR: Yes, Gary! What IS love? GARY BUSEY: Well… it’s like… (Singing) Gonna find my baby, gonna hold her tight, gonna grab some afternoon delight. FREDDY: (Singing) My motto's always been; when it's right, it's right. PREDATOR: (Singing) Why wait until the middle of a cold dark night? JASON: (Singing soprano) When everything's a little clearer in the light of day. ALIEN: (Singing) And you know the night is always gonna be there any way! ALL: Sky rockets in flight! Afternoon delight! FREDDY: Whoa. That’s weird. PREDATOR: Hell, yeah. I didn’t even know Voorhees can sing! ALL: (Singing again) Afternoon delight! We then move over to see a large shrubbery shuffling away from Busey and the gang. It gets closer to a group of people in camouflage and removes a mask revealing Fat Bastard. FAT BASTARD: Ach, I can’t believe it, but after all this time, I found TWAT! Now, the both of yew will come with me and we’ll come down on TWAT like no one’s ever come down on it before! Isn’t that right, my lackeys! The four of us shall shut down T.W.A.T. for good! We see standing behind him is SARK from “Alias”, IGOR from “Van Helsing” and BUDD from “Kill Bill”. IGOR, BUDD & SARK: Yes, sir! We’re ready to kick some ass! UMA THURMAN: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!! Uma Thurman swings into frame and chops Budd in half with a sword. She walks off leaving everyone stunned. FAT BASTARD: OY SHIT! THAT WAS FUCKED UP! Okay, the *three* of us shall shut down T.W.A.T. for good! Aye, but first, I gotta clean the pipes a bit! Fat Bastard farts. Sark and Igor start gagging and clutching their throats. IGOR: I’M BURNING! I’M BURNING! SARK: GAHHHHHH! Smells like DEATH! Burns like PEE! Their flesh melts off and they both die instantly. FAT BASTARD: Uh-oh. This canna bode well. Damn coffee. And ah’m outta LOLAS! Ah knew… Ah’ll call THE RUSSIAN! MEANWHILE… At LOLA’s secret hideout, Sherry Palmer is whispering to Dr. Evil. SHERRY PALMER: (Whispering) Okay Dr. Evil, what I’ve done is I’ve secretly wired this hideout so that we can hear everyone and see everyone. And all the taps go into this laptop computer, that can also control the defenses in this hideout. She brings out a laptop with the letters VIKI (From “I, Robot”) on it. DR. EVIL: Excellent! Now how do I work it? SHERRY PALMER: Here, let’s see who Lord Marshall is talking to on the phone… (Presses a button) LORD MARSHALL: OH GOD YES! I’M A NAUGHTY MARSHALL! I’M A NAUGHTY MARSHALL! I WANNA SNIFF YOUR UNDERVERSE! MR. GRAY: Oh, you charmer you!! SHERRY PALMER: Okay! That’s enough of that. Let’s see if we can see what Xindi Brady is up to! (Presses another button) We then see Xindi Brady in the bathroom snorting a large pile of coke off a table with THE CAT IN THE HAT. XINDI BRADY: Man, this is some good stuff! CAT IN THE HAT: Yeah! And next we’re gonna get jacked up on some pills! NYAAAAAAAA! GOLDFISH: This cat should not be here, he’s not a good guy! This cat should not be here, getting you high! Xindi Brady swallows the goldfish whole. XINDI BRADY: That fish didn’t taste like fugu!! Sherry Palmer turns the screen off. SHERRY PALMER: Okay, that’s just wrong. DR. EVIL: Yes. Quite sickening actually! SHERRY PALMER: Want to go get a Whataburger? DR. EVIL: Yes, that sounds quite lovely! They leave. Mini-Me sneaks up to the table and grabs the laptop. He then opens it and turns it on. VIKI: Hello. What would you like to do today? Mini-Me types in “Kill Marcus”. VIKI: Would you like to take a moment to register me? Mini-Me types in “No thanks”. VIKI: Would you like to fill out a survey? Mini-Me types in “No.” VIKI: Are you interested in making your penis larger? Mini-Me types in “NO!” VIKI: Would you like to watch the Paris Hilton Sex video? Mini-Me types in “YES, PLEASE!” He runs off with the laptop. MEANWHILE… at the FBI’s Headquarters… Skinner is on the phone… SKINNER: (On phone) Well, really, I don't know where he would get his hands on German pornography… but really, as adults, its not like we haven't seen our share of pornography in… Oh you haven't? Well, neither have I, I was just speaking collectively… listen, I have to go, we'll talk about this later, Sister Margaret. (Hangs up) Okay! I need someone to take a memo! VERONICA MARS from “VERONICA MARS” walks in. VERONICA MARS: Why hello, sir! I’m your new secretary! SKINNER: What the shit? You’re jailbait! Ha ha! Barely legal! Okay, take this down! “Dear Mulder. STOP! We know you’re fucking up again. STOP! And since you’ve got every bad guy in the world coming down on you, it’s up to me to pull your ass out of the fire again. STOP! We’re sending in more people to help you! STOP! Okay read that back to me! VERONICA MARS: Dear… SKINNER: IN CHINESE! VERONICA MARS: What? SKINNER: You’re right. That would be silly. Read it back to me in Sanskrit! VERONICA MARS: Huh? SKINNER: Never mind. Go get me some lunch. It’s in there! VERONICA MARS: What, that room marked “high explosives”? SKINNER: That’s the one. Safe in there. Warm… like the womb. VERONICA MARS: Uh… sure. I’ll be right back. She walks into the closet. The second she closes the door, it explodes. SKINNER: Wait a minute! I'll order in! Ha HA! ------------------------------------------------------ COMMERCIAL BREAK And now, a public announcement from Britney Spears to the public: To all my fans, I’m going to be putting my career on hold now that I’m married. I know this might come as a shock to many of you, but after doing such hits as “Crossroads” and doing covers of songs by that well-adjusted young man Bobby Brown, I feel I need some time off so I can make sure that when I come back, I can deliver the same quality work I’ve been doing for the past five years. Love, Britney. ------------------------------------------------------ RON BURGUNDY: Hey there, America! Ron Burgundy here to give you another update! Mulder & the gang are still headed towards Straight to Video hell; Tom Cruise is still on his trail; Scott Evil is still on the run and is surrounded by The Rock, TWAT, Dennis, Elwood and Fat Bastard; Dr. Evil and Sherry Palmer are still planning things; Mini-Me is still trying to kill Marcus; Skinner is calling in more people and fun fact: The word “Parody” comes from the Taiwanese word for “Enflamed rectum”! It’s true! But now… for a little JAZZ FLUTE! Ron pulls out a flute and starts playing immediately. We then see him pop up next to Mulder and Scully on the sinking ship, then next to Gary Busey & the gang from under their poker table, then into the bathroom where Xindi Brady is still snorting coke; then next to Jesse and Jason at their computers. JASON: I don’t think Xindi Brady is the only one around here on crank. JESSE: I’M CLEAN DAMMIT! MEANWHILE AT DOCTOR EVIL’S HEADQUARTERS… Doctor Evil meets the mysterious man again. MAN: How goes the plan? DOCTOR EVIL: The plan goes perfectly along like a happy little going along thingie. Everything is falling perfectly into place. MAN: And you have no compunctions about killing everyone that trusts you so that you can take over the world? A beat. DOCTOR EVIL: Fuck ‘em. MEANWHILE… MULDER, REYES, SCULLY, CATWOMAN, and DOGGETT have washed up onto yet another beach. Catwoman shakes herself off and starts licking the inside of her leg. Mulder looks at her in awe and cocks his head. Suddenly, Catwoman coughs up a huge hairball. MULDER: AW! Catwoman’s got serious 70’s bush! SCULLY: Nevermind that. Where are we? CATWOMAN: Okay, this is where I use my useful cat-like senses of smell, agility, and fashion to pinpoint our exact location. M’row. Everyone looks at each other and rolls their eyes. SCULLY: All right, I’ll bite… where are we? CATWOMAN: We’re on Doctor Evil’s secret island hangout. DOGGETT: That’s amazing! How did you figure that out? Catwoman points to the large mountain dominating the island with Doctor Evil’s face carved in it. Everyone looks back at Catwoman. CATWOMAN: Cat. I’m a kitty cat. And I m’row, m’row, m’row. And I m’row, m’row, m’row. MULDER: All righty… through a series of mishaps and some very shitty writing, we’ve somehow managed to stumble onto Doctor Evil’s secret island hangout. The question is now… where do we go from here? SCULLY: Obviously, cheese-nuts, we’ve got to find the portal to direct to video hell and shut it down before Doctor Evil uses it to take over the world somehow. DOGGETT: Durrh! But WHERE could it be? How do we find it? How do we even get in the fucking hideout? REYES: Not to worry… I have a man on the inside. MULDER: Hey, get off her! Mudler throws a rock at MARCUS who falls to the ground after humping Reyes. MARCUS: You rat-stew eatin’ honky mother-fucker! That’s my favorite forehead! MULDER: Who are you? MARCUS: I’m Marcus and I’ll help you get into that hideout if you help me take out my competition. CATWOMAN: What competition? MARCUS: Mini-Me! I wanna take that cracka’s place as Doctor Evil’s right-hand midget. Put a little chocolate in his milk if you catch my drift. It’s obvious that none of them do. DOGGETT: Huh? MARCUS: Why Doctor Evil gotta surround himself with white folk? Why can’t he have black folk all up in his plans and stuff? It’s just another way the EVIL white man keeps the EVIL black man down! MULDER: So, uh… you gonna help us or not? MARCUS: Fuck yeah, honky! Follow me! They follow Marcus to a nearby door. SCULLY: Wow, Reyes! You’re man on the inside really came through. MARCUS: Or at least I WOULD HAVE if you fuckers hadn’t stopped me. Doctor Evil’s through here. MULDER: Thanks Marcus! MARCUS: No problem. Marcus pushes them through the door. The façade falls down revealing that the door was a fake and they have all just been pushed into DIRECT TO VIDEO HELL!!! Doctor Evil, Cancerman, and Mini-Me are there laughing. MULDER, SCULLY, DOGGETT, REYES, and CATWOMAN are falling through a deep dark pit. MULDER, SCULLY, DOGGETT, REYES, & CATWOMAN: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH They take a breath. MULDER, SCULLY, DOGGETT, REYES, & CATWOMAN: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH MEANWHILE, BACK ON THE ISLAND!!! DOCTOR EVIL: Excellent, Marcus! You have earned your place at my right shin. MINI-ME! You are demoted! Move to the left shin! MINI-ME: Grrrrrrr! Mini-Me walks over to the other side of Doctor Evil as Marcus takes his place at Dr. Evil’s right side. He gives the power salute to Mini-Me who gives him the finger. CANCERMAN: Looks like our diabolical plan to get rid of Mulder and his bitches finally worked! DOCTOR EVIL: Indeed! They are now trapped in direct to video hell where no one can escape! LORD MARSHALL: Actually, there is one way… A way only I know. DOCTOR EVIL: Only you know it? LORD MARSHALL: Yes, no one but me. DOCTOR EVIL: Excellent. Doctor Evil shoots him in the stomach. LORD MARSHALL: YOU SHOT ME! YOU SHOT ME RIGHT IN THE… BANG! BANG! BANG! Lord Marshall shoots him several more times. Lord Marshall falls into the Direct to Video Portal! DOCTOR EVIL: Now, my evil plan is complete! CANCERMAN: You don’t think that Lord Marshal – the one man who knows how to escape from Direct to Video Hell - falling into Direct to Video Hell along with Mulder and Scully and the others is going to come back and haunt us, do you? DOCTOR EVIL: I don’t see how it would. MEANWHILE IN DIRECT TO VIDEO HELL, our heroes are still falling. REYES: Okay, guess what I am. She starts “swimming” SCULLY: You’re a gigantic venereal disease infected slut-bag whore? REYES: Hey, who are you calling gigantic!? DOGGETT: I hate this game. Let’s play something else. CATWOMAN: Ooo! I Spy! I Spy! MULDER: Fine. CATWOMAN: I spy with my little kitty eyes… something big. And… and flat… and moving very fast. SCULLY: …the FUCK are you talking about? WHUMP! They all land face first on the ground. They all get up. DOGGETT: Fuck… BEANS! That stings. MULDER: Well, it looks like we’re trapped in Direct to Video Hell. SCULLY: Yeah… it’s not as bad as I thought. REYES: Nice and quiet. Actually, I like it here. It’s quiet. CATWOMAN: A little two quiet. Mulder slaps Catwoman. Scully slaps Catwoman. Reyes slaps Catwoman. Doggett slaps Catwoman. Catwoman slaps herself. Suddenly, they are surrounded by an army of bad guys… PINHEAD from the HELLRAISER movies walks up to them. CATWOMAN: Who are you!? PINHEAD: I am Pinhead. Welcome to my house of pain! We, the evil villains of direct to video movies, have banded together in a new branch of LOLA… The Brotherhood of Evil Awful Video Evildoers and Rascals. And now, let me introduce you to the rest of the B.E.A.V.E.R. From the PYTHON and BOA movies, it’s… PYTHON and BOA! PYTHON: HISS! BOA: HISS! CATWOMAN: HISS! PINHEAD: From the Shark Attack movies, it’s THE MEGLADON! MEGLADON: ROAR! SCULLY: Hey, sharks don’t roar! PINHEAD: SILENCE! From the direct to video sequel to Dracula 2000, Dracula Ascension, it’s DRACULA! DRACULA: Hello, BLAH! PINHEAD: From Starship Troopers 2, it’s the BUGS! BUG: HISSSSSSSSS! CATWOMAN: HISSSSSSSSSS! PYTHON: HISSSSSSSSSS! BOA: HISSSSSSSSSS! The Bugs, the Python, and the Boa starts fighting. PINHEAD: Motherfuckers! I didn’t even finish introducing… Aw, fuck it. B.E.A.V.E.R. ATTACK!!! By this time, the Megladon is dead from being out of the water. Flies are buzzing around it. PINHEAD: Fuck beans! New plan! B.E.A.V.E.R. will now open wide on both flanks and then the B.E.A.V.E.R. will close around our enemies! ATTACK! SHANNON TWEED leaps out in front of Doggett. SHANNON TWEED: SKANKY VD ATTACK! GO! Small insects fly out of Shannon’s crotch and attack Doggett. He jumps backwards. We see an indicator that says “DOGGETT WAS HURT! HP -10!” DOGGETT: Oh yeah? Doggett takes out a can and holds it up. Shannon Tweed screams and crumples to the floor. The indicator reads, “DOGGETT USED DOUCHE!” REYES is being chased by several CARNASAURS in the background as MULDER faces off against VINCE OFFER! MULDER: Who the hell is Vince Offer? VINCE OFFER: Oh, you should know me! I’m a legend! I wrote and directed The Underground Comedy Movie, the movie that was so offensive that theaters wouldn’t play it and video stores wouldn’t carry it. MULDER: That was YOU!? VINCE OFFER: Yep. MULDER: Your movie SUCKED ASS! Hold on a minute, I have to make a call. VINCE OFFER: Hurry up, because I’m about to spray you down with jizz because it will be funny. Really. MULDER: Errr… right. Mulder takes out his phone. MULDER: Hey, yeah… MCD? I’ve got him right here. MICHEAL CLARKE DUNCAN crashes through a wall. MICHAEL CLARKE DUNCAN: WHERE IS THAT CRACKA MOTHERFUCKER!? VINCE OFFER: OH GOD! Michael Clark Duncan grabs and carries Vince Offer off camera where we hear Vince Offer scream like a little girl as Michael Clarke Duncan anally rapes him. CATWOMAN is faces off against the EVIL DRAGON from DRAGONHEART 2. CATWOMAN: You will never beat me! I have all the powers of a cat and am impervious to fire! The Evil Dragon hocks a fire-loogey on Catwoman who starts to run around in a circle hitting herself in the head with her own whip. CATWOMAN: DAMMIT! CATS AREN’T IMPERVIOUS TO FIRE, ARE THEY? DRAGON: Nope. CATWOMAN: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! PINHEAD: There is no use… The B.E.A.V.E.R. is too powerful for… DURP! Lord Marshal falls on Pinhead. LORD MARSHAL: God! What a WEEK I’m having! You! Titbags! Come here! REYES: Yes, what do you want? LORD MARSHAL: A little mouse told me a way out of Direct to Video Hell. Take me with you and we can all escape and… Hey, weren’t you being chased by some Carnasaurs? REYES: Who? Oh, I totally forgot… LORD MARSHAL: HOLY HOGSHIT! The Carnasaurs leap on Lord Marshal and tear him limb from limb. Reyes leaps into the air – the picture freezing in a Matrix-style move – and kicks them into the evil Dragon from Dragonheart 2. They all explode showering Catwoman with blood and guts and putting her out. Mulder, Scully, and Doggett walk over to them. MULDER: Wow, we really slammed the B.E.A.V.E.R. hard, huh? SCULLY: Yeah, but more will be coming any minute! We haven’t even seen the likes of Casper Van Dien, Mario Van Peebles, or Jason Scott Lee yet! Catwoman has licked herself clean. She puts on a wig. CATWOMAN: But, how do we get out of herrrrrrrrre? REYES: That Lord Marshal guy told me that there was a way… but he didn’t get a chance to say anything before he was torn apart and devoured by bad puppets. MULDER: What DID he say? THINK, Reyes! THINK! SCULLY: Mulder, you’re asking a lot of the poor girl! REYES: He said… A little mouse told him that there was a way out. CATWOMAN: Mmmmm… Yummy. Where is this mouse? Mulder slaps Catwoman. REYES: I don’t know. I don’t know what he meant. SCULLY: Ah, but I do! FOLLOW ME!!! MEANWHILE, BACK AT DOCTOR EVIL’S LAIR!!! Doctor Evil, Marcus, Mini-Me, Cancerman, Number Two, and Xindi Brady are standing around. CANCERMAN: You mean to tell me that we’ve lost contact with the B.E.A.V.E.R., T.W.A.T., and the C.O.C.K.M.A.S.T.E.R.S.? XINDI BRADY: I’m worried about the B.E.A.V.E.R.. Number Two slaps her. DOCTOR EVIL: Not to worry. LOLA’s are nothing more than cannon fodder anyway! XINDI BRADY: HEY! DOCTOR EVIL: Shut up, you know it’s true. That in mind, I would like to introduce our newest LOLAs! Say hello to DOCTOR OCTOPUS from Spider-Man 2, HOWARD SAINT from The Punisher, RASPUTIN from Hellboy, and from Van Helsing… DRACULA and THE WOLFMAN! Doc Ock is scratching his ass with his tentacles. Howard Saint is handing out pamphlets on Scientology to everyone who looks rich. Rasputin is picking his nose. Dracula is combing his hair. The Wolfman is licking his nuts. DOCTOR EVIL: Saint! Could you stop that? We’re an evil organization. Not a cult! HOWARD SAINT: (Barbarino voice) Who? DOCTOR EVIL: You! HOWARD SAINT: Where? DOCTOR EVIL: Here you frickkin’ idiot! Stop passing out flyers! HOWARD SAINT: Oh. Well… Up your nose with a rubber hose! DOCTOR EVIL: Delightful. Really. Oh yes, and before I forget… here’s ELLE DRIVER! Elle Driver walks out. Everyone sees her and runs to the far side of the room. ELLE DRIVER: What? Did I fart? UMA THURMOND: BANZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIII! Uma Thurmond slices Elle Driver in half and walks off whistling to herself. Mini-Me walks over to the body with a mop and starts cleaning up. DOCTOR EVIL: It’s okay, I was expecting this! MARCUS: Yeah, who wasn’t? DOCTOR EVIL: That’s why I have a replacement… From HARRY POTTER AND THE PRISONER OF AZKABAN, it’s SIRIUS BLACK! SIRIUS BLACK: Uh, there’s been a mistake. I’m not a bad guy. In fact, I wasn’t even evil at all in Harry Potter. It was all a bunch of bad and predictable misdirection. DOCTOR EVIL: So you’re not evil. SIRIUS BLACK: Nope. Not evil. Doctor Evil shoots him in the head. Gary Oldman pops back up as ZORG from The 5th Element. ZORG: Ah feel much better! DOCTOR EVIL: Indeed we all do! Now, with the might of LOLA, the ferocity of the Wolfman, and the Tentacles of Doctor Octopus, we shall RULE THE WORLD! Everyone stares at Doctor Evil. DOCTOR EVIL: I said “TENTACLES!” EVERYONE: Oh. MEANWHILE, BACK IN DIRECT TO VIDEO HELL! SCULLY: There it is! All the shitty direct-to-video Disney movies ever made! REYES: Hey, you’re right! They’re all here! Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas, An Extremely Goofy Movie, Stitch: The Movie, Home on the Range II: Mad Cow Strikes! MULDER: What do we do here!? SCULLY: Disney is notorious for releasing bad direct to video movies, but every now and then one of them sucks a little less than the others and is released to theaters! DOGGETT: Like Peter Pan II? SCULLY: Not really. That movie blew ass. CATWOMAN: So then, all we have to do is wait for the bus! Scully slaps Catwoman. SCULLY: No, you stupid catty dominatrix wannabe bestial bitch! We wait for one of these movies to be released to theaters and ride it back to the real world! REYES: Look, there goes one! DOGGETT: Quick, jump on it! They all run and jump on a large video box for “SONG OF THE SOUTH II: THE REVOLUTION COMES!” that is floating up off the ground. Members of B.E.A.V.E.R. try to leap on it and get at Mulder and the others, but they manage to fight them off as the video gets higher off the ground. PINHEAD watches them go. PINHEAD: Oh, this isn’t over you crackhead Uncle-fuckers! We’ll follow you and then the B.E.A.V.E.R. will swallow you fuckers whole! They stand there. Pinhead looks at the others members of B.E.A.V.E.R.. PINHEAD: So… Charades? JASON: Okay, Jesse. Now try and write a segueway that DOESN’T involve Ron Burgundy! JESSE: Fine! Airplane is still ripe for the pickin’s! There’s a knock on the door. Jesse opens it. JOHN SHOOTER from “Secret Window” is standing there. JASON: Can we help you? SHOOTER: You stole mah story! JESSE: What? SHOOTER: You two stole mah STORY! JASON: How? JESSE: And why would we steal THIS one? SHOOTER: HEY! ------------------------------------------------------ COMMERCIAL BREAK And now, a public announcement to Britney Spears from the public: To Britney, TAKE. YOUR. TIME. No hurry. Really. Love, Everyone P.S. Take Justin too. ------------------------------------------------------ Meanwhile, back at TWAT’s hideout, Gary Busey is with Freddy, Jason, Aliens and Predators when The Rock shows up, dragging Scott Evil with him. THE ROCK: All right you Strudel-smoking ass-fisters! The great one has come here to kick your asses! GARY BUSEY: Oh yeah? Well I can do this! Gary Busey crosses his eyes. VOICE: YOU’RE NOT DUIN’ ANYTHING! They all turn around to see Fat Bastard with THE RUSSIAN from “The Punisher” FAT BASTARD: We’re here to kill Scott! SCOTT EVIL: I’d like to leave now! THE ROCK: Well… we’re here to stop you guys! SCOTT EVIL: Do I have to be here to do that? GARY BUSEY: I LIKE BISCUITS! FREDDY: (Points to Jason) Is there going to be a fight? Because this ASSHOLE with the mask keeps going on and on about his mother! PREDATOR: (Points to Alien) And that FUCKER keeps drooling! SCOTT EVIL: How about I just head out while all of you settle this? GARY BUSEY: There’s only one way we’re going to settle all this! SCOTT EVIL: Please don’t say dodgeball. GARY BUSEY: What do you take us for? Idiots? No! WRESTLING! The Rock, Freddy, Predator and me against the Alien, Jason, Fat Bastard and the Russian! Winner takes the little guy! SCOTT EVIL: WHAT? That’s the dumbest fucking thing I’ve ever heard! What the hell happened to all of you? For God’s sakes, four of you used to be monsters that terrorize people’s nightmares! Now you’re just fucking whores for a couple of shitty franchises! And two of you were world champion wrestlers! Now you’re just a second rate Arnold and you’re an injury-prone jerkoff! And don’t even get me started on Busey and Bastard! Between the two of you assholes, I’m left wondering if there’s anything you haven’t ingested and you haven’t snorted! There’s a long pause. FAT BASTARD: Yew… Yew dinna have to be sew CRUEL! GARY BUSEY: Yeah, haven’t you ever heard of tact? THE ROCK: Impolite. Just impolite. THE RUSSIAN: Da. Fat Bastard farts a flesh-eating fart. The Russian and The Rock burst into flames. THE ROCK: OH GOD! THE RUSSIAN: I’VE ALWAYS LOVED YOU! They kiss as they turn into a pile of ash that Busey immediately starts snorting up. SCOTT EVIL: Shit! FAT BASTARD: Sorry. I farted. SCOTT EVIL: No shit? FAT BASTARD: Not this time, but who knows what tomorrow may bring? I guess we might as well just kill Scott! What’dyew say? Elwood and Dennis show up. ELWOOD: We’re in! DENNIS: Get him! GARY BUSEY: VIVA T.W.A.T.! They all start chasing after Scott. Meanwhile, at L.O.L.A.’S HQ… DOCTOR EVIL: Okay. It seems that Mulder and his teammates are still alive in Straight to Video Hell! So I’m going to send a group of LOLA’s after them! CANCER MAN: But considering our losses wouldn’t it be wiser to just leave them alone and fending for themselves? SHERRY PALMER: (Whispering to Dr. Evil) He’s questioning your orders, Doctor. You going to let him get away with that? DOCTOR EVIL: HELL NO! I’m sending a team and that’s that! And Cancer Man… You’ll be leading it! CANCERMAN: ME? Why not you? I mean, if you think you’re such a great leader, you should have no problems getting them! Sherry Palmer: Are you suggesting a competition? No idiot would fall for that! DOCTOR EVIL: I’M IN! We split into two groups! First one to kill Mulder and his friends is the winner! I’m taking Sherry, Marcus, Rasputin, Dracula, The Wolfman, Leatherface, Doc Ock and Howard Saint! We shall be the Gangs Of Living Dudes Easily Nuking Some Horrible Opponents With Enthusiastic Responsibility! SHERRY PALMER: Wait! We’re Team G.O.L.D.E.N.S.H.O.W.E.R.? CANCER MAN: FINE! I’ll take Mini-Me, VIKI, Xindi Brady, The Cat in the Hat, Ramsley and Mr. Gray! Tom Cruise, Kraven and Hook walk in. TOM CRUISE: Hey, guys. Sorry we’re late. CANCER MAN: And we’ll take them too! TOM CRUISE: Cool! Are we going to the zoo? CANCER MAN: Shut up! We’re Destroying Or Now Killing Everyone Yet Preventing Ultimately New & Crappy Heroes! TOM CRUISE: Team D.O.N.K.E.Y.P.U.N.C.H.? But that’s stupid! DOCTOR EVIL: GAME ON! FIRST ONE THERE IS A ROTTEN EGG! Everyone makes a break for the door to Straight-to-Video Hell! Doctor Evil hangs behind as everyone leaps in. The MYSTERIOUS MAN from earlier in the story is standing in the shadows. DOCTOR EVIL: Everything is proceeding as planned. Are you ready on this end? The mysterious man steps out of the shadows revealing that he is… BILL from KILL BILL: Indeed it is, Doctor Evil. Nothing will stop my involvement in your brilliant scheme to take over the world. UMA THURMOND: EEEEEEEEEEYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARG! Bill pulls out a tranquilizer gun and shoots Uma Thurmond. She falls to the ground. BILL: Nothing! DOCTOR EVIL: Mwah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! BILL: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! DOCTOR EVIL: Mwah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! BILL: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! DOCTOR EVIL: Mwah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! BILL: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! DOCTOR EVIL: Mwah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! BILL: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! DOCTOR EVIL: Mwah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! BILL: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! DOCTOR EVIL: Mwah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! BILL: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! DOCTOR EVIL: Mwah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! BILL: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! DOCTOR EVIL: Mwah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! BILL: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! DOCTOR EVIL: Mwah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! BILL: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! DOCTOR EVIL: Mwah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! BILL: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! DOCTOR EVIL: Mwah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! BILL: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! DOCTOR EVIL: Mwah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! BILL: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! DOCTOR EVIL: Mwah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! BILL: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! A beat. DOCTOR EVIL: Mwah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! BILL: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! DOCTOR EVIL: Mwah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! BILL: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! DOCTOR EVIL: Mwah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! BILL: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! DOCTOR EVIL: Mwah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! BILL: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! DOCTOR EVIL: I’m off to DIRECT TO VIDEO HELL!!! And speaking of which… MEANWHILE, IN STRAIGHT TO VIDEO HELL… Mulder and Scully and the gang are flying around on a large video. SCULLY: Hey… anyone know how this thing is being steered? MULDER: Don’t have a clue. REYES: And how are we getting out of this place? MULDER: Don’t know. DOGGETT: But where are we going? MULDER: Don’t have any idea. VOICE: HEY! DOWN HERE! Mulder and the group look down and see RON PERLMAN below them. Mulder lands the video as Ron walks up to them. DOGGETT: Man! It’s Ron Perlman! I loved you on Beauty and the Beast! But which one were you? RON PERLMAN: Shut up. We don’t have a lot of time. Skinner sent me and some friends to help you. We’ll guide you out of here and help you stop LOLA. SCULLY: But how did you get here? And how do you know so much about this place? RON PERLMAN: Because here… In Direct-To-Video Hell… I’m DIRECT-TO-VIDEO HELLBOY! He changes into HELLBOY. MULDER: Holy Taint-fuzz! HELLBOY: Yes. And I’m not alone. I brought help. We’re the Fighters Rescuing Other Talentless Twits And Getting Evil! MULDER: So… you’re into F.R.O.T.T.A.G.E.? HELLBOY: But of course. Now let me introduce you to the rest of our team. Also from “Hellboy”, it’s ABE SAPIEN! ABE SAPIEN: Oooo! HELL-O there! This is FABULOUS! Hi and I’M THE GAYEST FISH-MAN EVER! SCULLY: (Whispers to Mulder) Sounds like someone didn’t see “Waterworld”… HELLBOY: From “I, Robot” it’s Sonny the Robot and… REYES: Will Smith? OHMIGOD! Is Will Smith here? I LOVE HIM! HELLBOY: No. But since this is Hell… We have DJ Jazzy Jeff. DJ JAZZY JEFF: I'm starvin'. When do we eat here? SCULLY: We eat here later, you eat here never. DJ JAZZY JEFF: Looks like you eat here often, fatty. We then see a shot of Direct to Video Hell. Jazz is then sent thrown across the screen by Scully. DJ JAZZY JEFF: AARRRGGGH! HELLBOY: Anyways… From Resident Evil: Apocalypse, it’s Milla Jovovich! MILLA JOVOVICH: Feed me. So hungry. I was in “Return to the Blue Lagoon”, you know! MULDER: (Whispers to Scully) I think we’ve figured out why she’s here… HELLBOY: From Chronicles of Riddick, it’s RIDDICK and KYRA! RIDDICK: (Mumbles something in a low and raspy voice that no one can understand) KYRA: Like, I’m hot and stuff. Even though I was in a prison for several years, I’ve still managed to look good. Even if I conspicuously don’t look anything like I did when I was a little boy-girl in Pitch Black and Riddick hasn’t aged at all. RIDDICK: (Mumbles something in a low and raspy voice that no one can understand) KYRA: Riddick’s right. HELLBOY: And from Van Helsing… We have VAN HELSING, FRANKENSTEIN and ANNA! FRANKENSTEIN: Greetings. I am Frankenstein. Marvel in my deliciously cliché stereotype of a hideously grotesque monster that just happens to be an eloquent speaker with deep feelings and manners! VAN HELSING: I’m Van Helsing. And no, I’m not typecast. Not me. Uh-uh. ANNA: (Constantly changing accent) ‘Ello guv’nor! Pip pip! Cheerio and all that rot! We gonna kill some vamprires are we? That’s a right smack bottom and a cup full of piss! CATWOMAN: What the fuck did she just say? Everyone shrugs. MULDER: So what’s Scott Evil doing here? Everyone turns to see Scott Evil standing there. SCOTT EVIL: Hey… What AM I doing here? HELLBOY: You were just at Camp Crystal Lake, weren’t you? SCOTT EVIL: Yeah. HELLBOY: Foolish boy! Don’t you know that that place is a direct link to Direct to Video Hell? SCOTT EVIL: SHIT ANNA: (Jamaican accent) Yah mon! You leadin’ da bad guys right to us, mon! Pass the doochie on de left hand side! HELLBOY: Then we don’t have a lot of time! We have to get out of here before… PINHEAD: NOT SO FAST, HELLBOY! SCULLY: SHIT! IT’S THE B.E.A.V.E.R.! They found us! We see Pinhead face off with the gang. He’s got Shannon Tweed, Dracula 2000, a Boa, a Python, a LEPRECHAUN and JULIE STRAIN with him. SCULLY: Hey, I thought you guys had an Anaconda too! PINHEAD: Julie ate it. JULIE STRAIN: (Burps) I’m a BAD girl! SCOTT EVIL: And apparently you have a lot of experience with big snakes in your mouth. DOGGETT: OOH! BURN! PINHEAD: Shut up! Now we’re going to send you all to hell! MULDER: A little late, asshole. PINHEAD: The other kind, shitstain! The one where you’re all dead and we’re laughing! We’re finally going to finish the job… we should have finished earlier! MULDER: I should have smelled the B.E.A.V.E.R. a mile away! PINHEAD: Now die! VOICE: NOT SO FAST! WE MUST CONVERSE WITH YOU BRIEFLY! PINHEAD: What the ass? They all turn to see AMOROSA MANIGAULT-STALLWORTH from “The Apprentice”, TRISHELLE from “The Real World”, DAT PHAN from “Last Comic Standing”, DR. 90210, DOG THE BOUNTY HUNTER, BRIGITTE NIELSEN and FLAVA FLAV from “The Surreal Life” and a bunch of Zombies. AMOROSA: We in C.O.C.K.M.A.S.T.E.R.S. have unfinished business with them! MULDER: But you all died! AMOROSA: FOOLISH MORTAL! You can’t kill reality TV! It’s a Pandora’s Box that can’t be closed! We just adapted to the monster attacks and gave them makeovers! Then Trishelle fucked them. TRISHELLE: It’s true! I’m easy! Tee-hee! AMOROSA: And now it shall be C.O.C.K.M.A.S.T.E.R.S. THAT DESTROY YOU! FAT BASTARD: NOT IF WEE IN T.W.A.T. HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY AOUT DAT! Everyone turns again to see that Fat Bastard has arrived with Gary Busey, Elwood, Dennis, Freddy, Jason, Predator and an Alien. SCULLY: This is bad. MULDER: But at least it can’t get much worse. CANCERMAN: Oh but it CAN! They all turn AGAIN to see TEAM D.O.N.K.E.Y.P.U.N.C.H. there. MULDER: Cancerman! You black-lunged tit-squeeze! We might be taken down by someone today! But it sure as hell won’t be you! DOCTOR EVIL: He’s quite right. Very astute! They again turn to see TEAM G.O.L.D.E.N.S.H.O.W.E.R. there. MULDER: Well, this is it! We’re surrounded by T.W.A.T. and B.E.A.V.E.R., there’s C.O.C.K.M.A.S.T.E.R.S. everywhere, we can’t avoid a G.O.L.D.E.N.S.H.O.W.E.R. or a D.O.N.K.E.Y.P.U.N.C.H. and the only thing holding us here is F.R.O.T.T.A.G.E.! We’re fucked! PINHEAD: Well we don’t care who you people are! We’re killing them! AMOROSA: No, WE are! FAT BASTARD: No, WE are! CANCER MAN: No, WE are! DOCTOR EVIL: No, WE are! SONNY THE ROBOT: No, WE are! HELLBOY: Sonny, we’re the good guys! SONNY THE ROBOT: Shit. My bad. There’s a tense stand-off. Fat Bastard farts and kills Dog the Bounty Hunter. AMAROSA: FIIIIIIGGGGGGGHHHHHTTTT!! A massive brawl erupts. A piece of plaster falls on Amorosa. AMOROSA: My HEAD! OW! I NEED MEDICAL ATTENTION! A bus falls on her, killing her. Both Dracula from Van Helsing and Dracula from Dracula 2000 are biting each other when Van Helsing runs over and stabs them both, killing them. Van Helsing it then slashed in half by Freddy. Freddy is then killed by Kyra, because as we all know, only young and clueless women can kill him. Kyra is then stabbed by Kraven. Riddick sees this and then leaps across the room in an unbelievable display of wire-rigging and lands on top of Kraven, killing him immediately. Then, in a sudden and completely believable display of drunkenness, Gary Busey leaps across the room and starts attacking Riddick. Dat Phan implodes as he is a walking black hole of unfunny. As the fight goes on, Catwoman runs up to Hellboy. CATWOMAN: So… Hellboy… I hear you like kitties! Maybe we can get together sometime! HELLBOY: Really? Well, I don’t know. We’re two different people. I’m a night person, you’re a whore. CATWOMAN: But if a demon raised by man and a skank in leather can’t make it work, what hope does anyone else have! I can be the Beauty to your Beast, Ron Perlman! HELLBOY: Hmmm… maybe we can go out on a double date! My friend Abe likes that slutty chick Reyes. CATWOMAN: About Abe… you know he’s a fish-man and all that? HELLBOY: Yeah. What about it? CATWOMAN: I kinda ate him. I’m a cat! MROWWWRR! HELLBOY: YOU BITCH! Meanwhile, Tom Cruise is in full Collateral mode and shooting away at people. TOM CRUISE: Gotta roll with this! Adapt! Play the Mission: Impossible theme in my head! He sees Dr. Evil. TOM CRUISE: The Doctor’s been responsible for all my buddies dying! If I kill him, Cancer Man will probably reward me! Hey Doctor! TAKE THIS! DOCTOR EVIL: Shit! Save me Sherry! SHERRY: What? I’m just a schemer! DOCTOR EVIL: But who’s going to rule LOLA if I’m dead? SHERRY: Golly, I don’t know… ME! DOCTOR EVIL: BITCH! TOM CRUISE: DIE DOCTOR EVIL! He brings his gun up. Scott sees this. SCOTT EVIL: DAD! He runs over and pushes Sherry in front of Tom as he fires the gun. She’s shot repeatedly. SHERRY PALMER: Urk! (To camera) Not again! She dies. Doctor Evil and Scott run off. Tom looks at his gun. TOM CRUISE: Dammit! I’m having the worst luck today! HOOK: (From off-screen) Definitely a bad day. Definitely a bad day. TOM CRUISE: Tell me about it. He turns around to see a Predator. PREDATOR: (Using Hook’s voice) Definitely a bad day. TOM CRUISE: (Starting to cry) If I told you I was in “Minority Report”, would you let me live? The Predator shakes his head and kills him. Brigitte Nielsen then jumps on the Predator. BRIGITTE NIELSEN: Do you find me sexy? DO YOU FIND ME SEXY??? RARRR! She rips off the Predator’s head and starts dry-humping his body. Scully and Mulder shoot her dead. MULDER: This totally sucks! SCULLY: Hey… where’s Reyes? MULDER: She ran off with Sonny the Robot. She said something about wanting to see if he had a vibrate feature. SCULLY: THAT CUNT! MULDER: Eh, that’s not too bad. Frankenstein just ran off with Trishelle. SCULLY: Yeah, that sounds believable. Meanwhile, Dr. 90210 and Doctor Octopus are fighting Julie Strain and Shannon Tweed. DR. 90210: Is it safe? Julie Strain jumps on him and starts ripping him apart. An Alien then jumps on her and uses that little mini-mouth on her, punching a big hole in her and sending her flying across the room like a popped balloon. The Python is slowly swallowing the Cat in the Hat. Howard Saint is riding around on a horse for some reason when Doggett runs up and throws a trident at him, killing Saint as the Leprechaun runs by on fire as Fat Bastard is chasing him. LEPRECHAUN: ARRRHHH! I JUST WANTED ME POT’O’GOLD! FAT BASTARD: Get in mah belly! YUIR SO TINY! During the fracas, Milla Jovovich walks up with a guitar. MILLA JOVOVICH: I wanted to write a song about this. It’s called “The Gentleman who fell in poop.” DENNIS: SHE’S GOING TO SING! ELWOOD: SOMEONE KILL HER! FLAVA FLAV: I’M ALL OVER THAT! Flava Flav shoots her dead. He’s then eaten by Xindi Brady. XINDI BRADY: Ew, tastes like litterbox! Xindi Brady takes out a pair of Charkas and leaps onto Mr. Gray, hacking him to pieces. MR. GRAY: (British) Ow! Blimey! (American) Hey, cut it out! (British) I’m on your side, you silly twat! Arrrrrrrrrrrgh! Xindi Brady decapitates Mr. Gray. Meanwhile, Scott Evil and Doctor Evil have reached a safe place. SCOTT EVIL: Dad, everything is fucking out of control! The LOLAs are killing each other! They aren’t even getting any help from Mulder and the rest of his happy little duck-fuckers! This is tits! DOCTOR EVIL: On the contrary, Scott. This is not, as you say, tits at all. SCOTT EVIL: How can you say it’s not tits! Look at that shit! Riddick mutters something in a low raspy voice before ripping Pinhead’s innards out with a rusty coathanger. The Boa and Python slither around him and constrict Riddick until he shits his pants and his eyeballs explode. Fat Bastard farts out a cloud of flesh-eating virus and the snakes dissolve into a puddle of goo and ass. Leatherface runs after Shannon Tweed with a chainsaw, but ends up slipping in the goo and chainsawing his own dick off. Mulder and Scully shoot at him, but each bullet misses, hitting Rasputin, Doc Ock, and Van Helsing. Leatherface dies slowly and painfully by bleeding out of his crotch. Zorg from The 5th Element jumps down in front of Catwoman. ZORG: Prepare to die! Catwoman kicks him in the head. Her high-heel impaling his forehead. Zorg falls down, but immediately jumps back up as… Lee Harvey Oswald from JFK. LEE HARVY OSWALD: GRASSY KNOLL! AH DID NOT ACT ALONE! Catwoman kicks him again. He falls down and comes back up as Dracula from Bram Stoker’s Dracula. DRACULA: Blah! CATWOMAN: Oh my God! It’s the gayest Dracula of all time! DRACULA: Obviously, you never saw Interview with the Vampire! Catwoman kicks him again. He falls down and pops back up as Doctor Smith from Lost in Space. She buries her high-heel in his forehead again. DOCTOR SMITH: Oh, the pain! Meanwhile… DOCTOR EVIL: No, I’m telling you Scott! I have everything planned! I manipulated every LOLA in my organization… from sending Dennis and Elwood out to kill you to putting Fat Bastard in charge of T.W.A.T. to even forming C.O.C.K.M.A.S.T.E.R.S., D.O.N.K.E.Y.P.U.N.C.H., F.R.O.T.T.A.G.E., and G.O.L.D.E.N.S.H.O.W.E.R. My entire scheme has been building to this moment… a gigantic bloodbath in Direct to Video Hell! SCOTT EVIL: But why a bloodbath? Don’t the LOLAs usually do that themselves every year anyway? DOCTOR EVIL: Yes, but thanks to my secret agent, Bill, back at HQ and the fact that this bloodbath or “sacrifice” is taking place here in Direct to Video Hell, I will soon become the most powerful man in the world! Mwah, hah, hah, hah, haaaaah! MARCUS! Are we ready! Elsewhere, Marcus is kicking the shit out of Jason and talking on a walkie talkie. MARCUS: According to Bill, we need just need a few more senseless and bloody deaths! So just wait five minutes. Marcus jumps into Jason’s mouth and wriggles down his windpipe. After a couple of seconds, he bursts out of Jason’s stomach. MARCUS: YEAH! Back at Doctor Evil’s HQ, Bill is looking at readouts. BILL: Yes, it looks like everything is proceeding the way Doctor Evil wanted. I’m glad you could be here for this, my dear. UMA THURMOND is drugged out on the couch looking like she can’t move. UMA THURMOND: Youff other fudgther! BILL: Yes, and while I tell you why Hal Jordan Green Lantern is better than Kyle Rayner Green Lantern, I shall initiate Doctor Evil’s dastardly plan! He presses a button and takes out a walkie talkie. BILL: You may proceed, Doctor Evil. Back in Direct to Video Hell SCOTT EVIL: That’s unbelievable! DOCTOR EVIL: You like my plan? SCOTT EVIL: No, it’s just unbelievable! Your plans never work! They blow ass all over the globe! There’s no way in hell that you will ever become an all-powerful world conqueror! DOCTOR EVIL: Really? Well, believe THIS! Doctor Evil shoves his hand into Scott. Black metallic oil oozes out of Doctor Evil’s hand and overtakes Scott. SCOTT EVIL: You… LAMEASS! After a couple of seconds, the oil recedes revealing that Scott has been turned into ANOTHER DOCTOR EVIL! DOCTOR EVIL: Good job. DOCTOR EVIL: Thank you. I always hated that little shit. DOCTOR EVIL: Me to. Shall we? DOCTOR EVIL: Sure. The two Doctor Evil’s jump into the fight, grabbing the surviving LOLAs and turning them into Doctor Evil clones. One of them transforms the WOLFMAN from Van Helsing. DOCTOR EVIL: Why does my mouth suddenly taste like crotch? BACK AT DOCTOR EVIL’S HQ NUMBER TWO: Finally, we have perfected Doctor Evil’s cloning to turn people into copies of Doctor Evil. We got the idea after we cloned Mini-Me so many times last year. FRAU FARBISSINA: Oh, goodie! Now ve will rule at Heir Doctor’s side! DOCTOR EVIL: Don’t be so sure of that! A couple of Doctor Evils jabs their hands into Number Two and Farbissina. FRAU FARBISSINA: The has betrayed us! NUMBER TWO: I’m not paid enough for this shit. Farbissina and Number Two are turned into Doctor Evils. Back in Direct to Video Hell, the Doctor Evils are taking over all the LOLA factions. Doctor Evil takes over Howard Saint. ROB SCHNIEDER is sitting nearby at a desk. ROB SCHNIEDER: Doctor Evil… makin’ cop-pees! DOCTOR EVIL: Hey Rich. ROB SCHNIEDER: Doctor Evil. The Docster. Doctor Evo-rama! DOCTOR EVIL: That’s right. That’s me. ROB SCHNIEDER: Baron Von Doctor Evil! The Love Doctor. Evil-roni! The… GURK! Doctor Evil takes over Rob Schnieder. SCULLY: What in the wide wide world of shit is going on here!? Shannon Tweed runs up to them. SHANNON TWEED: He’s gone crazy! He’s sacrificed enough LOLAs to become all powerful! Now he’s taking over everyone making copies of himself and soon he will rule the world! Only you can save me! MULDER: Don’t worry ma’am, I’m not going to let anything happen to… SHANNON TWEED: GURK! Shannon is changed into Doctor Evil. MULDER: AW, FUCKCICLES! DOCTOR EVIL: Ah, my enemies… you have been a constant thorn in my sides far too long. Now, it is time to die. REYES: Oh yeah, you monkey fucking fuckbag? I’d like you see you… GURK! Reyes is changed into Doctor Evil. DOCTOR EVIL: I suddenly have an overwhelming love of the cock! DOGGETT: YOU SONUVA… GURK! Doggett is turned into a Doctor Evil. DOCTOR EVIL: Now that urge is stronger than ever! Catwoman grabs Mulder and Scully by the arms and runs away. SCULLY: What the ass was THAT shit? CATWOMAN: Doctor Evil is taking over the world! Soon, he will be all powerful! We have to get back to the real world now! Quick, get on this Christian Movie video cover! They jump on a video cover that reads BIBLEMAN SMITES THE FAGS they take off. Mulder and Scully sit as Catwoman stands over them. As they lift off to escape Direct to Video Hell. MULDER: Catwoman, how do you know so much about this? SCULLY: Yes, you suddenly seem more intelligent but you still have the same level of skankitude. CATWOMAN: I’m actually an undercover agent from J.A.G.O.F.F.S. SCULLY: You mean the Justice Alliance Guild of Freedom Fighting Superheroes? CATWOMAN: Yes, I’m actually Storm from X-Men in this stupid Catwoman outfit. We J.A.G.O.F.F.S. have been secretly preparing for the day that someone would become… THE ONE! MULDER: The one what? CATWOMAN: The one to defeat Doctor Evil, numbnuts! MULDER: Oh. SCULLY: How do we do that? CATWOMAN: I have another man on the inside that we can actually trust. He will direct a portion of Doctor Evil’s power from the devise Bill built into you and you can use it to stop him. MULDER: How do we do that? CATWOMAN: Don’t panic, Mulder. As long as I’m here to tell you what to do, you can’t fail! WHACK! The video passes through the gateway into Doctor Evil’s headquarters. Catwoman is decapitated by the gateway. Her head falls in Mulders lap. MULDER: FUCK! BEANS! They jump off the video as it crashes into eight Doctor Evils and kills them. SCULLY: What do we do, Mulder? Where is this “man on the inside” that Shatwoman was going on about? MULDER: How the FUCK should I know? He could be anywhere! MINI-ME: Ahem. They look down. Mini-Me is standing there. He hands them a note. SCULLY: (reading) That blanky-blank blanker Marcus took my place at Doctor Evil’s side and now I want Doctor Evil’s plans to fail. Follow me and I will help redirect Doctor Evil’s power into you and you can kick is blanking ass. MULDER: Aw, what the hell. Why not? They follow Mini-Me to the lab where Uma Thurmond is cleaning off her Kitana sword and standing over Bill’s bisected body. UMA THURMOND: Good, you’re here. I’m Uma Thurmond. MULDER: Hey, weren’t you drugged? UMA THURMOND: Yeah, by a horse tranquillizer. Fortunately, I eat that shit for breakfast. SCULLY: You’re with the rest of the J.A.G.O.F.F.S.? UMA THURMOND: Yes, but I’m here on business with The Elite Association of Bombshell Assassins Gutting Global Evildoers with Razor-Sharp Swords. MULDER: T.E.A.B.A.G.G.E.R.S., eh? I’ve heard of your methods. I’ve always wanted to try it. UMA THURMOND: We’ll never get a chance to if we don’t hurry. Doctor Evil has taken over all the heroes and LOLAs in Direct to Video Hell and has started to spread through America. The US is already 76 percent Doctor Evil! SCULLY: Then we’ve no time to waste. Start that bitch up and let’s get… BANG! Scully is shot and falls down. Mini-Me grabs Uma Thurmond’s sword and flies at an army of Doctor Evils who are at the door. Uma Thurmond runs over and locks the door as Mini-Me is turned into a Doctor Evil clone. Mulder runs over to the bleeding Scully. MULDER: Scully! SCULLY: Mulder, I’m dying. MULDER: You can’t die! You’re the only actor on the X-Files anyone really likes anymore! Here, let me try to restart your heart like Neo did for Trinity in The Matrix Reloaded! Mulder reaches into Scully’s chest cavity and starts squeezing her heart. We hear crunches and snaps as Scully’s ribcage is broken up. SCULLY: GAH! EEE! ARRRGH! Mulder, you DICKWAD! AAHHH! UMA THURMOND: Those Doctor Evils are going to break down that door any minute! We’ve got to juice you up, Mulder! Of course… I could always save Scully with this power. MULDER: You mean… I have to choose between Scully and getting a lot of power for myself and possibly saving the world and getting all the acclaim and pussy that goes with it? UMA THURMOND: Pretty much. MULDER: Then I know what I have to do. Scully… SCULLY: Yes? MULDER: Nice knowing you. SCULLY: You asshooooooooooooo—GURK! Scully dies. MULDER: Juice me up, you sword swinging bitch! UMA THURMOND: WILL DO! Uma shoots Mulder with a ray giving him Doctor Evil’s powers. Suddenly, an army of Doctor Evils breaks down the door and tackles Uma Thurmond, turning her into a Doctor Evil. They also assimilate Scully’s body. DOCTOR EVIL: TIME TO END IT, MULDER! MULDER: I have a better idea… FUCK YOU!!!! Doctor Evil’s hideout explodes sending Doctor Evils everywhere. Suddenly, in New York City, we see Doctor Evils lining the streets. It’s dark and rainy as Mulder and one Doctor Evil stand off against each other. In the middle of the sea of Doctor Evil’s, MARCUS is standing there. MARCUS: Dude, this is some pretty fucked up shit right here! DOCTOR EVIL: Mister Mulder welcome back. We missed you. MULDER: Yeah, and I missed you. DOCTOR EVIL: Really? MULDER: Yeah, but my aim’s getting better. DOCTOR EVIL: You friggin retard! MULDER: Oh, shut up you little woman! You killed all my friends and you killed all of yours. Now it’s just you and me. It ends tonight. DOCTOR EVIL: Indeed it does. I hope you don’t mind, but my other selves have the shits from eating bad gwack-a-mole and want to sit this one out. MULDER: It’s pronounced “guacamole”, you anal-fascinated nutsack! DOCTOR EVIL: Never the less! DIE! MULDER: NO YOU! They run at each other. They hit in the middle of the street causing a huge shockwave knocking down the other Doctor Evils. Mulder takes off into the air. Doctor Evil follows. They head towards each other and start smacking each other in a sissy slap fight. Doctor Evil kicks Mulder in the balls and he falls to the street below creating a huge crater. Doctor Evil lands next to him. DOCTOR EVIL: Why, Mr. Mulder? Why do you do it? Why get up? Why keep fighting? Do you believe you're fighting for something? For more that your survival? Can you tell me what it is? Do you even know? Is it freedom? Or truth? Perhaps peace? Yes? No? Could it be for love? Are you doing this just to get laid later on? Illusions, Mr. Mulder. Vagaries of perception. The temporary constructs of a feeble human intellect trying desperately to justify an existence that is without meaning or purpose. You must be able to see it, Mr. Mulder. You must know it by now. You can't win. It's pointless to keep fighting. Why, Mr. Mulder? Why? Why do you persist? MULDER: Because Jesse and Jason are bored. DOCTOR EVIL: Everything that has a beginning has an end, Mr. Mulder. MULDER: What? DOCTOR EVIL: That’s what Reyes said. And now Scott is telling me that I am a gimpy-goatfucker. Mini-Me is giving me the finger… and Doggett is thinking that he loves the cock. MULDER: Durh. DOCTOR EVIL: Scully is now saying… Hey, Mulder you buttfucking fucktarded fuckwad… Just let him absorb you. MULDER: Sounds logical to me. All right, Doctor Evil… you just do that. DOCTOR EVIL: What? You’re giving up? MULDER: Pretty much. I mean, this looks like it could be the last LOLA story the way things are shaping up. I mean, your gang is dead and my gang is dead… everyone’s dead. Maybe if you’re the only character in the story, no one will want another sequel. DOCTOR EVIL: You do have a point. The LOLA stories are quite insipid. MULDER: And they’re gay. DOCTOR EVIL: They’re George Michael gay. MULDER: They’re Alexis Arquette gay. DOCTOR EVIL: They’re Ellen DeGeneres gay. MULDER: They’re Liberache gay. DOCTOR EVIL: Very well. I shall assimilate you. You may feel a minor dying sensation. MULDER: DURP! Doctor Evil absorbs Mulder. DOCTOR EVIL: Victory is mine! He grabs his stomach. DOCTOR EVIL: What the? ARRRRRRRRRRRRRGH! Doctor Evil explodes. The other Doctor Evils start exploding. DOCTOR EVIL: Doctor Evil? DOCTOR EVIL: Yes, Doctor Evil? DOCTOR EVIL: I… I love you. DOCTOR EVIL: Oh, thank YOU for making my last few seconds awkward. They explode. The city explodes. The world explodes. Suddenly… It is a bright sunny day in a city park overlooking the city. An annoying Indian girl plays in the foreground and is being watched by undercover members of the Department of Homeland Security as SERAPH and THE ORACLE from the Matrix movies sits on a bench. THE ARCHITECT sits next to the Oracle and gives Seraph a drink order. THE ARCHITECT: So, it is done? ORACLE: Indeed. Mulder defeated Doctor Evil and all is right in the world. THE ARCHITECT: Good. INDIAN GIRL: Will we ever see Mulder again? ORACLE: Of course we will, honey… in our hearts and syndication on FX and the Sci-Fi Channel. INDIAN GIRL: Yaaaay! The little girl runs off. Oracle and The Architect sigh. ORACLE: This ending sucks. THE ARCHITECT: Indubitably. ORACLE: WAIT! I know! Let’s do the super-duper-happy ending! THE ARCHITECT: Awesome! Party on, Oracle! ORACLE: Party on, Architect! BOTH: (Waving hands) Diddleliddlele! Diddleliddlele! Diddleliddlele! Everything starts going wavy. We then dissolve back to NYC, it’s dark and rainy. Mulder and Dr. Evil are fighting with one another while the army of Dr. Evils look on. DOCTOR EVIL: Very well. I shall assimilate you. You may feel a minor dying sensation. MULDER: Go ahead and do it! I’m ready! Doctor Evil brings his arm back and then brings it down on Mulder, who flinches, closing his eyes. It’s a brief moment, and Mulder is still cowering with his eyes closed. He finally opens them and Dr. Evil grabs his nose. DOCTOR EVIL: BEEP! GOTCHA! There’s laughter. Mulder looks around to see everyone smiling and having a good time. Scully, Doggett, Reyes, Skinner, Catwoman, Scott Evil, Fat Bastard, Mini-Me, Marcus, Tom Cruise, A bear, Shannon Tweed… Everyone’s there. They’ve all got on party hats and standing by a cake that reads “Happy Birthday Mulder!”. EVERYONE: SURPRISE! SCULLY: Happy birthday Mulder! MULDER: What? How? You’re all alive! Doctor Evil absorbed you! SCULLY: Yeah, about that… we were just fucking with you. It was an elaborate hoax. Kinda like that Michael Douglas movie! MULDER: Fatal Attraction? SCULLY: No. MULDER: Wall Street? SCULLY: No. MULDER: Jewel of the Nile? SCULLY: No. MULDER: The In-Laws? SCULLY: That’s the one. Sean Penn is shot and Michael Douglas crashes into the ground. No one notices. MULDER: And all for my birthday? Wow! You guys sure fooled me! DOGGETT: Here’s your presents! MULDER: Thanks, guys! You know, I learned something today! I learned that a faithful a wonderful cast, a brilliant script and loads of money from the directors and producers can be a great thing. But they’re all nothing without a loyal and loving fanbase. Maybe it’s time to give back to the people that made my career! CATWOMAN: I learned that sometimes reading a script before accepting a role might be a smart move from here on! REYES: I learned that wearing a rubber should be mandatory when having sex with a strange robot! I’ve got robo-Herpes now! DOCTOR EVIL: And I learned that a healthy father and son relationship can be fostered by communication and love, rather than attempted murder. SCOTT EVIL: Aw, dad… They hug. Doggett and Tom Cruise walk up, holding hands. DOGGETT: I’ve learned that two men can have a loving relationship in this day and age. Even if he looks like a deformed hobbit! TOM CRUISE: And even if he looks like an emaciated skeleton! DOGGETT: Oh, you! FAT BASTARD: And I’ve learned that I can’t stop loving food, unless I learn to love myself first! (Farts) SKINNER: And I’ve learned “Hard before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before hard and you’re in the yard!” Ha HA! GARY BUSEY: True dat. Mini-Me’s head pops out of Gary’s pants. SKINNER: You hussy! He starts slapping Mini-Me. MINI-ME: Eeeee! Eeeee! Everyone starts laughing again. The screen goes black. A title card pops up reading “BUT HERE’S WHAT REALLY HAPPENED!” We’re now in a wealthy manor’s lobby. Dr. Evil is there, as is Mulder, Scully, Doggett, Scott, Catwoman and Tom Cruise. Gary Busey’s body is lying on the floor. DOCTOR EVIL: Now to make a long story short… EVERYONE: TOO LATE! DOCTOR EVIL: To find the killer… I want everyone to empty their pockets. Whoever has the gun, is the killer! Everyone empties their pockets. Scully pulls out the gun. MULDER: Scully! SCULLY: No I didn’t! I killed Shannon Tweed! And so what? You killed Pinhead, Scott killed Riddick, Tom killed Hook, Dr. Evil killed Cancer Man and Catwoman killed Fat Bastard! CATWOMAN: Flames… Flames… on the side of my face… heaving breaths… heaving… flames… more flames! SCULLY: We still don’t know who killed Busey, but don’t ask me to stick around and find out! Gimme the key, Doctor. I’m splitting. DR. EVIL: Over my dead body! SCULLY: No problem! DR. EVIL: Oh I think there will be! There’s no bullets in that gun! Didn’t you count the bullets? Two plus one plus one plus two! Scully starts trying to count. SCULLY: Aw, fuck it. She tries to shoot, but before she can, Doggett pulls out a gun and shoots the gun out of Scully’s hands just as a swarm of police officers (led by Skinner) barge in and surround everyone. SKINNER: Police! Freeze! Ha HA! MULDER: What the ass? What’s going on here? DOGGETT: Simple, I’m a plant! MULDER: I thought people like you were usually called fruits! SKINNER: Good work, agent! DOGGETT: Thanks, Chief! Take 'em away. They all did it. But if you wanna know who killed Mr. Busey, I did. Now I’m gonna go home and do it. With Reyes. In the butt. Suddenly… JASON: (SITS UP IN BED) ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH! JESSE: (WAKES UP NEXT TO HIM) What is it? JASON: Oh, it was terrible! I dreamed that we wrote one last LOLA story and it was terrible and it made no sense! JESSE: None of them make any sense and all of them are terrible! JASON: Well, durh. I mean… One last one? The end of LOLA? Could that ever happen? JESSE: With the likes of Paul Anderson and Uwe Boll on the loose in Hollywood? Not bloody likely. JASON: You’re right. LOLA will never die… sort of like Reality TV. JESSE: And Fidel Castro… that commie motherfucker. JASON: There’s just one thing I’m confused about. JESSE: What’s that? JASON: What are you doing in my bed? JESSE: Jason, this is MY bed. Jason looks around. JASON: So it is. Good night then. Jason lies back down. JESSE: Good night. JASON & JESSE: Good night, Shooter. SHOOTER: You stole mah covers. CUT TO: LEONARD MALTIN: Well, Joyce, I found this story not only uplifting and inspiring, but also very funny. In fact, I haven’t laughed this much since Roger Ebert gave a good review to The Haunting. JOYCE KULHAWIK: As did I, Leonard. Jason Donner and Jesse Glaspey have touched a comedic vein, the likes of which hasn’t been seen since Airplane, Doctor Strangelove, or The Godfather. I give this my Hot Ticket. LEONARD MALTIN: Hot ticket from me as well. A beat, they start laughing. LEONARD MALTIN: Ha, we’re just fucking with you! JOYCE KULHAWIK: Yeah, this story sucked my colon. LEONARD MALTIN: Good night, fuckers! They give a finger to the camera as the picture fade out. RON BURGUNDY: And that’s the story. You stay classy, America. THE END The Legion of Lame-Asses VI is coming in 2005! ALL PUPPETS! MULDER PUPPET: And now our story is over and everyone has AIDs! Good night, everybody!