The following previews have been approved for all audiences.

=========================================

We see the ENTERPRISE. KIRK and SPOCK are there.

NARRATOR: In a future, on a five year mission to explore strange new galaxies and boldly go where no man has gone before...
SPOCK: (To Kirk) I have been and always shall be... your friend.
NARRATOR: Two men plan to explore something new, and go where no man has gone before!
KIRK: Why... can't I... quit you?
SPOCK: Dammit, Bill! You're stepping all over my lines again!

BROKEBACK VULCAN! Directed by George Takei.

=========================================

Coming soon... From Disney and the Wachowski Brothers...

MORPHEUS is facing the viewer.

MORPHEUS: All of our lives, we have fought this war. Tonight I believe we can end it. Tonight is not an accident. There are no accidents. We have not come here by chance. I do not believe in chance. When I see three objectives, three captains, three ships. I do not see coincidence, I see providence. I see purpose. I believe it our fate to be here. It is our destiny. I believe this night holds for each and every one of us, the very meaning of our lives.

We pull back to reveal he's talking to a ratty Volkswagon bug with the number 53 on the side. The car honks at him and spits out some exhaust.

HERBIE FULLY RELOADED! Starring Lindsey Lohan...

LINDSEY LOHAN: (Into phone) Operator! They're after me!
LINK: Who? Agents?
LINDSEY LOHAN: Worse! The paparazzi! I'm out of here! Hold on Keymaker!
KEYMAKER: Shouldn't be a problem. You are one skinny bitch.
LINDSEY LOHAN: Okay! Let's go!

She starts up the car and drives two feet before she crashes into a curb.

HERBIE FULLY RELOADED! Nowhere near as pretentious as the last two Matrix movies!

=========================================

And now our feature presentation…

=========================================

We’re inside an office. The Hollywood sign can be seen outside as JASON and JESSE area talking to DARTH VADER, THE EMPEROR, and GENERAL GRIEVOUS.  Grievous is coughing like a 70-year-old smoker.

JESSE: Can I offer you coffee? Tea? Mint? Drugs of various legalities?
THE EMPEROR: No, thank you.
JESSE: All right then, let’s get down to business.
JASON: Are you familiar with The Legion of Lame-Asses?
GRIEVOUS: I have heard of it.  Tales of its depravity and moral absence are sung to children across the galaxy as warnings of what losers they will become if they write anything similar.  COUGH COUGH!
JASON: Coincidentally, the sixth installment is coming up soon and we’re looking to revamp it.  Bring it into the 21^st century so to speak.

THE EMPEROR:  A little late, aren’t you?

JASON:  Hey, considering you’re supposed to be from a long time ago, I wouldn’t be talking.
JESSE: About the changes. First, we decided to fire Mulder and Scully and bring on original characters with depth, feelings, and motivations entirely their own.
JASON: But that frightened us, so we decided to keep them on board and increase the number of titty and dick jokes.

JESSE:  We thought about having an entire installment take place inside the minds of our heroes where they could grapple with there own inner demons.

JASON: Confront today’s most controversial issues and face villains from classic literature as well.

JESSE: But then we took a poll and determined that half of our audience didn’t like the idea.
EMPEROR: Wow, four whole people?

WHACK!  A stapler hits The Emperor upside the head.

JASON: Quiet, you.
JESSE: We also thought we’d team them up with a wise-cracking black kid.
JASON: You know, like Gary Coleman or Webster, but without the criminal background.

JESSE: But wherever will we find a sassy black kid at this time and day?

JASON: Who cares?  The point is that instead of vamping up the good guys, we’ve decided to beef up the bad guys.
JESSE: Simply put, we want you to join Doctor Evil and LOLA on a regular basis. What do you say?

A long beat. Darth Vader gets to his feet and screams.

VADER: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Terry Gilliam hops into screen dressed as an old man.

TERRY GILLIAM:   IT’S...!

THE LEGION OF
LAME ASSES VI

A SERIES OF IMMATURE EVENTS

By Jason Donner and Jesse Glaspey

(Jesse wanted first billing this time around, but he can kiss my ass.)

FBI HEADQUARTERS

12:01 PM

Today’s lunch menu:  Hamburgers, tots, and a salad

MULDER and DOGGETT are sitting next to each other playing a video game.

MULDER:  You know how I know you’re gay?  You listen to Coldplay.

DOGGET:  You know how I know you’re gay?  You cried during Because of Winn Dixie.

MULDER: You know how I know you’re gay?  You rented Because of Winn Dixie.

DOGGETT:  You know how I know you’re gay?  You wax your legs.

MULDER:  You know how I know you’re gay?  You sucked my cock last night.

DOGGETT:  (Throws down controller) That’s it!

Doggett jumps on Mulder and the two of them start fighting about the time that Scully and Reyes walk in.  They look at them.

SCULLY:  You know how I know you’re gay?  You’re rolling around on the floor with each other making out.

MULDER:  We’re not making out!

REYES:  Right, and I’m a virgin.

Everyone laughs.  The intercom buzzes.

SKINNER (Over Intercom):  We’re having a dipshit convention in my office.  Get in here NOW!

DOGGETT:  We are in your office.

We see Skinner sitting at his desk.

SKINNER:  Well then come closer!

Everyone gets closer.

SKINNER:  Closer!

Everyone gets closer.

SKINNER:  Closer!

Everyone gets closer.  By this point, everyone is within a half an inch of Skinner’s face.

SKINNER: Let the dipshit convention commence!  I have a new assignment for you!

REYES:  What kind of assignment?

SKINNER:  Ah, ah, ha! En espanol!

REYES:  Uh… Que es el assignment-oh?

SKINNER:  Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

There is a long uncomfortable silence.

MULDER:  Sir, what…?

SKINNER:  Shhhh! Be quiet and listen to this.

Everyone is quiet.  Skinner, after ten second, lifts a leg and farts.

SKINNER:  That’s the smell of three-day old sweet and sour pork!  Ahhh… stinky!

SCULLY:  Sir, you said you had an assignment for us.

SKINNER:  I said no such thing!  Everyone’s always getting on my case!  Skinner, take the trash out!  Skinner, clean your room! Skinner, take your dick out of the dog!  Well, I’m sick of it, see?  Sick I say!  Incidentally, this brings us to your assignment.  You’re under my explicit and sexy orders to pick up your new partner at this address.

REYES:  What address?

SKINNER:  The address on my head, silly!  I wrote it there in crayon.  Burnt Sienna.  Like the skin of my gardener… Alberto.

Scully looks.

SCULLY:  Hey, I know this place.  It’s Daddy Day Care!

SKINNER:  Who said anything about Daddy Day Care!?  Who are you working for?  How do you know my language?  WHO SENT YOU!?  Now, at this address you will find an establishment called Daddy Day Care where you will pick up an informant who will lead you to LOLA’s secret base where, no doubt, they have something evil cooking.  And possibly taquitos.  I love a good taquito.  They go all slushy in my tummy and when they come out my butt, they burn oh so good.  DANCE WITH ME, MULDER!

MULDER:  Sir, I really don’t want—GURK!

Skinner grabs Mulder and the two of them launch into a furious waltz.  Next thing you know, EWAN McGREGGOR, NICHOLE KIDMAN, JOHN LEGQUIZAMO, and the rest of the cast of MOLIN ROUGE is there dancing and singing.  Skinner shoots a gun into the air scaring them all away.  He then slaps Mulder and walks back to his desk.

SKINNER:  Any questions?

Everyone raises their hands.

SKINNER:  No one?  Good, it’s nap time now.

Skinner grabs a teddy bear and falls face down onto his desk asleep.  Everyone leaves, shutting the lights out.  Mulder creeps over and turns on a Spongebob Squarepants nightlight.

Meanwhile… in DOCTOR EVIL’S TOP SECRET SUBMARINE!!!

SCOTT:  I hate this submarine!  It’s cold, it’s always damp, and now I have to share a bunk with this guy.

Scott thumbs over to the Emperor.  Doctor Evil looks peeved.

DOCTOR EVIL:  Scott, it’s time to put the big boy panties on and deal with it, ‘kay?  All of daddy’s hideouts have been discovered except for this one and we all have to make sacrifices.

SCOTT:  Dad, he tried to spoon me last night!

DOCTOR EVIL:  Fine, I’ll make him share a room with Darth Vader.

Darth Vader raises his hands into the air.

DARTH VADER:  Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo--

DOCTOR EVIL:  SILENCE!  It’s time to make with the introductions.

SCOTT EVIL:  This again?

DOCTOR EVIL:  Quiet!  First, you all know each other.  I am Doctor Evil, this is my boy Scott, my colleagues Fat Bastard, Frau Farbissina, Mini-Me, and Number Two.

Scott gives a half-hearted wave, Fat Bastard farts at the mention of his name, Frau Farbissina nods curtly, Mini-Me gives the finger and growls, and Number Two nods politely.

DOCTOR EVIL:  Don’t worry about remembering their names.  They get fewer lines every year.

FRAU FARBISSINA:  Dah.  Is true.  We are becoming like Mayweather on Enterprise.

ANTHONY MONGOMERY walks by in the background mopping the floor.

ANTHONY MONTGOMERY:  Did someone mention Enterprise?

DOCTOR EVIL:  For the eighth time no!

CANCERMAN rolls into the light.

CANCERMAN: And I am Cancerman.  The scourge of truth, the teller of lies, the maker of conspiracies, and the arch enemy of Mulder and Scully… if you don’t count aliens, cockroaches, and whatever the fuck that black oil shit was.

THE EMPEROR:  I am the Emperor.  This is Darth Vader and General Greivous.  You may remember us from Revenge of the Sith.

GRIEVOUS:  It was the one prequel that definitely didn’t suck!

SCOTT:  It didn’t!?

DARTH VADER:  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

A long beat.

SCOTT:  Is… he going to keep doing that?

THE EMPEROR:  Probably.

CANCERMAN:  Now, to introduce our first wave of LOLAs!  The arch fiend from the movie Super Size Me, it’s RONALD McDONALD!

Ronald McDonald walks out and starts handing out happy meals.

RONALD McDONALD:  You deserve a break today!  Look, it’s Food, Folks, and Fun!

SCOTT:  This story should last all of three pages if this is any indicator.

CANCERMAN:  From the movie, The Ring Two, it’s SAMARA!

Samara runs out and grabs Ronald McDonald’s leg.

SAMARA:  I love you.  Will you be my new daddy?  We can have so much fun together flying kites, and making brownies, and playing Frisbee!

DOCTOR EVIL:  She’s not evil!  She’s not even ill-tempered!

SAMARA:  Aren’t cookies just awesome?

EMPEROR:  Then perhaps MY recruits will be more to your liking.  May I present SATAN!

FAT BASTARD:  SATAN!?

EMPEROR:  Yes, SATAN from (mumbles)

CANCERMAN:  From where?

EMPEROR:  You know, from… (mumbles)

DOCTOR EVIL:  SPEAK UP!

EMPEROR:  From Constantine!

NUMBER TWO:  Oh Hell.

SATAN enters.  He rips a piece of the set off with his teeth and starts chewing on it.

SATAN:  Hey, g’doh, g’day!  It’s great to he here.  Hi, how are ya?  Prince of Darkness.  Shake my hand.

Frau Farbissina cautiously shakes his hand.

SATAN:  my goodness, those are soft silky hands.  Do you use a moisturizer?

Samara is sitting in Doctor Evil’s lap, hugging him.

DOCTOR EVIL:  Your next candidate better be good, Emperor!

EMPEROR:  Oh, but it is!  Here’s JOSHUA JACKSON from CURSED!

Joshua Jackson walks out.  He waves.

JOSHUA JACKSON:  Hi, I’m Joshua Jackson.  Who wants to give me a blow job?

DOCTOR EVIL:  What the SHIT is this?

EMPEROR:  He’s evil, I swear!  He’s a werewolf!

DOCTOR EVIL: (to Joshua Jackson) Are you a werewolf?

JOSHUA JACKSON:  A what?

DOCTOR EVIL:  A werewolf.

JOSHUA JACKSON:  A were-what? 

DOCTOR EVIL: Werewolf.

JOSHUA JACKSON:  A what-wolf?

DOCTOR EVIL:  A werewolf!

JOSHUA JACKSON:  A what-what?

DOCTOR EVIL:  WEREWOLF!

GRIEVOUS:  There wolf!  There Vader!

JOSHUA JACKSON:  A werewolf?

DOCTOR EVIL:  Yes.  Are.  You.  A.  Were.  Wolf?

JOSHUA JACKSON:  Um, sure.  Whatever.

DOCTOR EVIL:  Well, that’s a little better, I guess.

EMPEROR:  Well, let’s see who YOU lined up!

CANCERMAN:  Yeah, smartass!

DOCTOR EVIL:  Fine, you want to see some real LOLA material?

SCOTT:  Looks like we have so far.

DOCTOR EVIL:  FEAST YOUR EYES ON THIS!

Dozens of aliens enter wearing Nazi uniforms.

DOCTOR EVIL:  It’s the Space Nazis from Enterprise!

ANTHONY MONTGOMERY:  Did someone say… ARRRRRRRRRGH!

The Emperor zaps him with force lighting and kills him.

EMPEROR:  Sorry about that.

DOCTOR EVIL:  Sorry about what?  The autographs I have of him in my room just tripled in value!  Now, as I was saying, these are space Nazis.  We know that they are evil because…well… look at them!  They’re Nazis!  It’s not like they’re going to make a Nazi a schoolteacher or a mayor or the pope!

NUMBER TWO: (Ahem)

DOCTOR EVIL:  What?

NUMBER TWO:  The new pope is a former Nazi.

DOCTOR EVIL:  No shit?

NUMBER TWO:  No shit.

DOCTOR EVIL:  That blows my mind.  Next thing you know, you’re going to tell me that Michael Jackson was found innocent.

NUMBER TWO:  He was.

DOCTOR EVIL:  All right, first thing tomorrow… we’re getting cable in this submarine.  Now, all of you Space Nazis put down your rosaries and listen up!  We’re going to take over the world, see?  But before we do, we have four obstacles to overcome.  Mulder, Scully, Dogshit, and Reyes.  Find them and kill them a lot!  Understood?

LOLAS:  FUCK YEAH!

DOCTOR EVIL:  THEN FLY, MY MONKEYS!  FLY, FLY, FLY!

All the LOLAs head towards the front door.

CANCERMAN:  No, you idiots!  Don’t open THAT door!

They open the door.  Water rushes in and the sub starts to sink.

DOCTOR EVIL:  SON OF A… BITCH!

DADDY DAY CARE
1:13 PM
IF YOU WERE COURTNEY LOVE, YOU'D BE DRUNK RIGHT NOW.

Mulder, Scully, Doggett and Reyes walk up to the house.

SCULLY: Now the three of you fucktards mind your manners. These are impressionable little goddamned kids and I don't want you douchehats screwing them up? Got it?

They all nod.

VOICE: (From inside the house) No! No! BAD! You do not pee in the sink! It's disgusting!
SCULLY: (To gang) They must be disciplining the kids.

They open the door to see a little kid in a Flash outfit shaking his finger at EDDIE MURPHY.

FLASH KID: You're supposed to be a role model, not some half-baked washout of a d-list celeb pissing on our dishes! And what the hell were you thinking with Pluto Nash?
EDDIE MURPHY: Hey! I was in Shrek! Wanna see me do a donkey?
FLASH KID: Don't you mean just "do Donkey"?
EDDIE MURPHY: Actually, I meant...
SCULLY: (Interrupting) Mister Murphy! Hi. We're from the FBI and we're supposed to be meeting an informant here. We're wondering if you could show us to him please.
EDDIE MURPHY: All right! Let me just take you to him!

He escorts them to a room where we see TOM CRUISE with KATIE HOLMES and DAKOTA FANNING.

TOM CRUISE: All right, Dakota. I'm going to just leave you here with the Day Care while I go show off Katie to the press! Okay?
DAKOTA FANNING: No, it's not okay! For God's sakes, it was only two years ago that Katie was in day care and you think parading her around like she's some sort of trophy is okay? YOU'RE NOT FOOLING ANY ONE! And didn't you get killed in last year's LOLA story? You suck! My other daddy is much cooler than you!

ROBERT DENIRO comes out.

ROBERT DENIRO: (To Tom) You... You, sir! You're good! Oh-ho! You're good, sir! You!
MULDER: Okay this is just all around stupid. Is she the kid we're here for?
REYES: I hope not. That'd mean Denzel Washington is going to follow us around and stick explosives up our butt!
DOGGETT: Yeah, like you've never had something blow in your ass before!
REYES: YOU GO TO HELL, DOGSHIT!
VOICE: HEY!

Everyone turns around and sees WALT from "Lost" standing there.

WALT: I'm your informant! You're here to meet me, not that role-hogging midget Dakota!
SCULLY: Fine, whatever. Let's just get out of here before Tom's gay rubs off on us!
DOGGETT: Too late.

Everyone looks at Doggett. Scully sighs. Robert DeNiro quickly hurries off and ducks behind a corner. He suddenly convulses shakes and then comes up looking very sinister.

ROBERT DENIRO: Come out, come out, wherever you are!

M. NIGHT SHAMAYLAN pops his head out of a trap door in the ceiling.

M. NIGHT SHAMAYLAN: He's got multiple personalities! What a twist!

He leaves. A cell phone rings and DeNiro answers it.

DR. EVIL: (From cell phone) Robert! It's Dr. Evil!
ROBERT DENIRO: You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? Because I ain't the only one in here!
DR. EVIL: Yes, yes! Taxi Driver! Very original! Thought it was cute back in "Rocky & Bullwinkle", now it's just sad. Do you have anything to report?
ROBERT DENIRO: The FBI are here! They've found an informant that's going to lead them to you!
DR. EVIL: All right, stay right there and keep those agents around. I've got a LOLA squad that will be in your area in a few minutes!
ROBERT DENIRO: Yes sir!

He hangs up and goes out to Walt, The Agents, Eddie Murphy, Tom & Katie and Dakota.

ROBERT DENIRO: Hey! Who wants to have some fun! I've got squirtguns!

He starts squirting them with the squirtguns. Tom looks annoyed.

TOM CRUISE: That... that's just rude! You're a jerk! You know that! That's a jerk thing to do!
SCULLY: Damn right.

Mulder and Scully pull out guns and shoot Robert DeNiro!

DAKOTA FANNING: HOLY SHIT! You killed him! You shot him! How did you know he was a LOLA?
MULDER: He was a LOLA? I just shot him because he was shooting at me!
EDDIE MURPHY: It was water, you crazy crackers!
SCULLY: Hey, these are expensive suits!

Suddenly there's a loud crashing noise from outside. Everyone runs to the door where they see the SPACE NAZI'S invading along with the ALIENS from "War Of The Worlds"!

MULDER: My GOD! ALIENS! AMONG US! INVASION! THE TRUTH IS NOW HERE!
SCULLY: Mulder, our show has been off the air for three years now. It's a little late to be bringing up old gimmicks, don't you think?
WALT: Well what are you people going to do to stop them?
DOGGETT: US? We couldn't prove aliens existed for nine years and you think we can FIGHT THEM? What dumbass school for special kids did you go to?

Walt kicks Doggett in the balls.

REYES: Didn't Tom fight these guys? Maybe he can do something!
DAKOTA FANNING: No. The second the aliens attacked, he ran off to find the news people covering it so he can show off Katie.
SCULLY: FUCKER!
DAKOTA FANNING: He won't. He's gay.
SCULLY: That's not what I meant!
MULDER: It's not like he'd do anything useful anyways, Scully. Handing out scientology pamphlets will only annoy the aliens! We need to stop them!
SCULLY: Do we know their weaknesses?
MULDER: Their immune systems aren't like ours! Maybe if we infect them with a disease, we could kill them!
DOGGETT: Where can we find something infested with germs on such short notice?
SCULLY: We're at a day care, aren't we? There's germ infested eleven year olds all over the place!
DAKOTA FANNING: How are you idiots going to get them around the bunch of us?

Mulder and Scully look at each other. They then pick up Dakota and start swinging her back and forth like they're getting ready to hurl her.

MULDER: On the count of three!
SCULLY: One... two...
DAKOTA FANNING: You people can't do this! You bastards!
MULDER: This is for "Uptown Girls"!
DAKOTA: I deserve this! I deserve this!
SCULLY: THREE!

They throw her into the air. She soars by screaming as she crashes head first into the Alien Army. It has no effect. There's then the faintest cough, which then immediately causes the aliens to tip over and collapse as Space Nazi's start dying left and right.

SPACE NAZI #1: They're infecting us! Killing us! Pushing us back!
SPACE NAZI #2: Quick! TO THE RESERVATIONS TO OPEN CASINOS AND TAKE THEIR MONEY!

The aliens flee. Jason looks over at Jesse.

JASON: And then... it got ugly! Damn, dude. You're going to get some emails over that one!
JESSE: Yeah, because throwing an eleven year old at an army of evil aliens and making a bunch of gay jokes meant things were going just peachy up until that point!

As the aliens retreat, Walt sneezes.

WALT: Dammit! Now thanks to her, I'm sick! (To Scully) you're a doctor! Fix me!
SCULLY: I do autopsies. I work with the dead, not the living!
WALT: That explains your partners!
MULDER: BURN! Man, having a wise-cracking black kid for a sidekick rules!
REYES: There's a hospital nearby! We can get him checked up there!
EDDIE MURPHY: Can I come?
EVERYONE: NO!

Eddie Murphy hangs his head down and sadly walks away as that sad music from those Charlie Brown cartoons plays in the background. One of the alien ships crashes down on him, killing him instantly. No one notices.

A HOSPITAL
2:23 PM
TRY THE MORPHINE. IT'S EXCELLENT TODAY.

Mulder, Scully, Doggett, Reyes and Walt are sitting in the waiting room.

WALT: I want something to read! I'm bored!
SCULLY: You're also spoiled. Shut up and wait.
WALT: You're a sucky mom! I can't believe you kept getting knocked up on the show! Gimme a coloring book!
SCULLY: Mulder's got the last one.
MULDER: Scully! I got through the maze! Lookee! Lookee!

Mulder holds up a page, the maze is a straight line.

SCULLY: God, and to think I was the one that stuck around.

A nurse comes out.

NURSE: The doctor will see you now!

They go in. DR. HOUSE from "House" is looking over Walt.

MULDER: So what's wrong?
HOUSE: You're an idiot. I hate you and your stupid face.

He kicks Mulder in the crotch.

REYES: Hey! That's not cool!
HOUSE: You're fat. You don't deserve to eat!

He slaps Reyes and looks at Doggett.

HOUSE: From what I can see you died inside three years ago. Join your soul in hell, putz! (Looks at Scully) And you... I just plain don't like you! (To Walt) Okay, kid. We're going to take your temperature.

Walt opens his mouth.

HOUSE: Guess again, Short Round. This goes elsewhere.
WALT: Aw shit! Somebody stop this guy!

Suddenly, there's a rumbling and BOOM! The wall collapses and Fat Bastard comes in!

MULDER: Holy damn! What are the odds of that happening?
SCULLY: how did you find us here?
FAT BASTARD: Ach, I didn't expect to, really! I was here for some work done and while I was in the waiting room, I saw Doggett had scribbled his name in crayon on all the Highlights magazines!
DOGGETT: Whoopsies.
SCULLY: ASSHOLE!
MULDER: Wait... you said you're getting some work done? What kind of work?
FAT BASTARD: Aye! I'm getting some liposuction! and here's my doctors!

CRASH! Another wall comes down and DR. DOOM from "The Fantastic Four" along with DR. CRANE from "Batman Begins" and TYPHOID MARY from "Elektra" storm in!

DR DOOM: Tell Doom what you don't like about yourself! SO DOOM MAY KILL YOU!
DR. CRANE: Fear me and my nancyboy looks!
TYPHOID MARY: Beware my deadly and infectious kiss despite the fact I'm hanging out with two doctors! I'M IRONIC!

Dr. Doom blasts a beam at everyone, who duck out of the way behind a counter except for House, who's vaporized.

SCULLY: What are we going to do?
MULDER: Maybe some heroes will come and save us at the last second like someone always does!
WALT: Man, you really are retarded! You really think some stupid superheroes are going to come save us?

BAM! Yet another wall comes down and in come MR. FANTASTIC from "The Fantastic Four", CONSTANTINE from "Constantine" and a very pregnant ELEKTRA from "Elektra".

DOGGETT: Holy tits, it's Plastic Man!
MR. FANTASTIC: It's Mr. Fantastic, asshole!
REYES: Where are the other Fantastic Four?
MR. FANTASTIC: Hey, you called for stupid superheroes, didn't you?
FAT BASTARD: Get them!

The two groups attack each other.

WALT: (To the Agents) Shouldn't you people help out?
MULDER: And do what, fight? Are you insane?
SCULLY: (Grabs Mulder by the ear) Come on stupid!
MULDER: Grraaaaaaahhh!

They go out and join in the fight. Reyes runs over to Mr. Fantastic and Dr. Doom.

MR. FANTASTIC: Quick, woman! Grab a hold of me and crack me like a whip at Doom!
REYES: Got it!

Reyes grabs his crotch and starts swinging him around like a lasso.

MR. FANTASTIC: I meant grab my hand, dumbshit! MY HAND! Arrrgh!

Reyes is swing Mr. Fantastic around by his junk and smacks Dr. Doom out of the building sending him through the air.

DR. DOOM: This never happened to me on Charrrrrrrrrrrrrrrmed!

Doggett is facing off with DR. CRANE.

DR. CRANE: Prepared to be terrified by the fear gas of... The SCARECROW!

He blasts Doggett with his fear gas! Doggett looks unmoved.

DR. CRANE: What the... you should be pissing yourself in fear!
DOGGETT: You forget, after movies like "Hong Kong 1999", "The Cool Surface" and "Dusk Til Dawn 2"...
DR. CRANE: ...Nothing scares you. Got it.
DOGGETT: Hey, you got something on your face!
DR. CRANE: What?
DOGGETT: Tazer!
DR. CRANE: Huh?

Doggett brings out a Tazer and zaps Crane in the face, his head bursts into flame and he runs off screaming, punching himself in the head to put out the flames. Mulder and Elektra are facing off against Typhoid Mary.

TYPHOID MARY: Stand down, heroes! I will infect you with my touch!
MULDER: Ha! I've already got VD! So you can't do squat!
ELEKTRA: And since I'm having Ben Affleck's child, I'm now immune to perverse infestations!
TYPHOID MARY: Well, what the hell are you going to do to me? You're pregnant and he's an idiot!

There's a splash on the ground.

MULDER: What was that?
ELEKTRA: My water broke! Just in time!

POP! Out pops her baby! She grabs the umbilical cord and starts swinging the baby around like a pair of nunchucks.

MULDER: Uhh...
ELEKTRA: Hii-YAH!

She starts beating Typhoid Mary to death with her baby. She then swings it around until it stops short of Typhoid's face. The baby then slaps Typhoid Mary.

MULDER: This is so wrong.
BEN AFFLECK: That's my kid! You can tell by the Red Sox hat!
MULDER: That baby's wearing a goalie mask!
BEN AFFLECK: What? NOOOOOOOO! DAMN YOU MICHAEL VARTAN!

Scully and Constantine are facing off against Fat Bastard.

FAT BASTARD: Ah, Neo! Finally, we meet! The circle is now complete! The end of days is nigh!

Fat Bastard lets one rip.

FAT BASTARD: Oops. Ah farted. Oh! And I think I got another one brewin'!
CONSTANTINE: (Smells it) Dude! This is most non-non-non-NON-HEINOUS! I know what will stop this! Dragon's breath!
SCULLY: No, you idiot! Don't!

Constantine pulls out that thing from the movie. Scully runs over to Walt, grabs him and then Mulder and Doggett. She then pauses for a second, sighs and grabs Reyes before they rush out of the hospital room.

MULDER: What's wrong!
SCULLY: All that methane from Fat Bastard's farts and an open flame? Think about it!

KABOOM! The Hospital explodes, sending Fat Bastard rocketing into the air like the world's fattest rocket.

FAT BASTARD: Aye can see mah house from heeeeeeeeerreeee!

Mulder, Scully, Walt, Doggett and Reyes see this from the parking lot.

WALT: What happened to all those super-heroes?
SCULLY: I don't think they made it.
MULDER: Thank God.
MR. FANTASTIC: (From off-screen) No! We're okay!

Everyone looks up to see Mr. Fantastic in the air, shaped like a parachute with Constantine, Elektra, her baby and Ben Affleck hanging on.

ELEKTRA: We survived and we're going to be just fine!

The parachute comes down and crashes into a building marked "Acid Factory". We then hear all of them screaming from the inside as the Agents and Walt wince in horror.

SCULLY: We should probably go now.
MULDER: I agree.
WALT: Damn right.
DOGGETT: Let's get out of here.
REYES: My crotch itches. Anyone know a doctor?

They all look at Reyes and leave.

MEANWHILE... Back at Dr. Evil's hideout!

DR. EVIL: Well, shit. That was a bust.
SCOTT EVIL: What a shocker. So who else are you going to trot out to their certain doom?
CANCERMAN: You know, you're just a big 'ol cup of half-empty. You know that?
EMPEROR: Damn skippy! You need to look at the brighter side of things!
SCOTT EVIL: But you worship the DARK SIDE!
EMPEROR: Doesn't +mean I can't be optimistic about it!
DR. EVIL: Exactly. Now let's all give a warm welcome to our newest LOLA's: From "Batman Begins", it's Henri Ducard and Ra's Al Ghul!

We only see HENRI DUCARD standing there.

CANCERMAN: Uh... Where's Ra's?
SCOTT EVIL: Didn't you guys see the damn movie? Henri WAS Ra's! The other guy was a dupe!
HENRI DUCARD: That's not true! Ra's is right here!

He pulls out a puppet of Kim Jong Il from "Team America".

HENRI DUCARD: (High pitched accent) Me llamo Ra's Al Ghul! Arriba!
NUMBER TWO: That's Spanish.
HENRI DUCARD: Oh. Well... (Accent) Herro! Me so horny! Sucky sucky!
SCOTT EVIL: This does not bode well.

MEANWHILE…

SCULLY:  Hey, has anyone seen that little Walt bastard?

MULDER:  I left him with Doggett.

DOGGETT:  I left him with Reyes.

REYES:  I left him outside.  I had to pee and apply my ointment.

SCULLY:  But, that’s gasoline and a lighter.

MULDER:  Have you ever seen her crabs?  They’re saber-toothed.

REYES:  He was reading a book the last time I saw him.

SCULLY:  What book?

REYES:  Sin… Sin something.  Look, I can’t read, okay?

MULDER:  How will we ever find him!

DOGGETT:  Maybe they know.

DOGGETT points.  Standing on the side of the road for no real reason is RACHEL and her little bastard of a son, Aiden from The Ring movies.

MULDER:  You there.  Jet Girl and Damien.  Where’d the sassy black kid sidekick of ours go?

AIDEN:  I don’t know, Fox.

MULDER:  Fox?  Can’t you call me Agent Mulder?

AIDEN:  I didn’t know that was your name.  I just think you’re cute.

SCULLY:  Did you see where our little friend went?

RACHEL:  Answer the nice people, Aiden.

AIDEN:  I don’t feel like it, Rachel, now go make me some breakfast.

RACHEL:  Oh, sweetie, can’t you call me mommy?

AIDEN:  Don’t touch me, sperm dumpster.

SCULLY:  Wow, that is one bastardly kid you’ve got there.

RACHEL:  Yes, but he’s very smart and always seems to know much more than a normal kid would.

REYES:  Don’t they all.

AIDEN:  All right, Rachel, I’ll tell these cock-smokers where the little black kid went.  Some yellow guy took him.

DOGGETT:  All right, it’s bad enough that we’ve reduced Walt to “that little black kid,” but can’t we leave the Asians out of this?

AIDEN:  Not that, you cock-gobbling thunder-cunt!  The Yellow Bastard took him and said something about turning him into a man.

SCULLY:  Holy Neverland Ranch!  We have to stop him!

REYES:  No kidding.  Getting fucked in the butt hurts!

DOGGETT:  Only at first.

SCULLY:  Where is the Yellow Bastard, Aiden.

AIDEN:  He went that way.

RACHEL:  That was so nice of you, Aiden.

AIDEN:  Fuck you, Rachel.  Now, where’s my breakfast?

Aiden slaps her.

MEANWHILE…  THE YELLOW BASTARD FROM SIN CITY has Walt tied up in a warehouse.

YELLOW BASTARD:  Don’t cry, little girl.  I’m not going to hurt you.

WALT:  Dammit, how many times do I have to tell you that I’m not a little girl?

YELLOW BASTARD:  You’re not?  Well then I guess I’m going to have to send you to my good friend Michael Jackson.

WALT:  Holy sheep tits!  Anything but that!

MEANWHILE, Mulder is driving in a car.  Everything is black and white.

MULDER:  (voice over) It was raining.  I hadn’t seen this much moisture fall from the sky since the golden shower I took at Courtney Loves house.  The city stinks of crime, decay, and farts that cry out like high-pitched  seals waiting to be clubbed by the illegal seal hunters of life.  My name is Mulder… Fox Mulder.  Former television icon now fucked by my own ego and lack of talent and just busting my ass to play bit parts in video games to put food on the table.  Earlier today, a little boy was kidnapped by a pedophiliac yellow bastard.  I’m going to stop him.

SCULLY, DOGGETT, and REYES are sitting in the back seat.

REYES:  How do you talk without moving your mouth?

MULDER:  The same way you can open your mouth without showing teeth.

SCULLY:  It’s not going to be easy getting Walt back.

DOGGETT:  What do you mean?  All we have to do is go against one child molester that looks like a cross between a troll and big bird!

SCULLY: I was talking about them.

Mulder brings the car to a stop.  In front of them are RONALD McDONALD, JOSHUA JACKSON, JIGSAW from Saw, and The BOOGEYMAN!

REYES:  HOLY APE SHIT!

RONALD McDONALD:  You shall not pass!

MULDER:  Who are you guys?

JIGSAW:  We’re the new branch of LOLA.  The Dignitaries In Partnership Society for Horrible Infamous Tyrants!

REYES:  D.I.P.S.H.I.T.?

BOOGEYMAN:  Dammit, why don’t we ever check those anagrams?

JOSHUA JACKSON:  It’s too late.  It’s already on all our stationary!

RONALD McDONALD:  You will never get your hands on Walt.  He’s special to us!

SCULLY:  Special Ed maybe.

JOSHUA JACKSON:  This is no laughing matter.

DOGGETT:  Looking at some of the jokes we’ve had so far, I would have to agree.

JIGSAW:  Fuck this!  ATTACK D.I.P.S.H.I.T.s!

JOSHUA JACKSON faces off against Scully.

JOSHUA JACKSON:  There’s no way you can win.  I’m a werewolf and stuff.

Scully kicks him in the nuts.

JOSHUA JACKSON:  Ow!  What was that for!?

SCULLY:  The Skulls.

Ronald McDonald faces off against Reyes.

RONALD McDONALD:  The prize in today’s happy meal:  PAIN!

REYES:  I’m going to beat you faster than McDonalds canned the asshole who came up with the Arch Deluxe!
 

JIGSAW faces Mulder.

MULDER:  What do you want with Walt, you puppet sonofabitch!

JIGSAW:  We’re going to play a little game.  You can escape, but someone else will have to die.  I—

BLAM!  Mulder shoots Jigsaw in the stomach.

JIGSAW:  I… I… meant someone on your team.

Jigsaw falls down dead.  Mulder runs into the warehouse.

The Boogeyman faces off against Doggett.

BOOGEYMAN:  I’m the Boogeyman and I am a nightmare made form.

DOGGETT:  No, that was the 9^th season.

BOOGEYMAN:  Are you ready to die?

DOGGETT:  I’ll take whatever you’ve got!

BOOGEYMAN:  Then take… THIS!

A disco ball lowers from the sky and suddenly, Boogeyman is dressed up in 70’s disco clothes as “Boogeyman” plays in the background and the Boogeyman dances.

BOOGEYMAN:  Oh yeah!  Boogey down!

DOGGETT:  ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!

Doggett starts vomiting in the street.

Scully punches Joshua Jackson and Reyes punches Ronald McDonald.  The two of them run into each other, slipping on the fresh puddle of puke and end up falling on top of Boogeyman, killing him.  Joshua Jackson stands up.

JOSHUA JACKSON:  That it!  It’s like, werewolf time!

Joshua Jackson turns into a werewolf and start licking his own balls.

DOGGETT:  Holy crap!  Look at him go!  I wish I could do that.

SCULLY:  Go ahead, he won’t mind.

DOGGETT:  Bitch!

SCULLY:  Fag!

The Joshua Jackson werewolf starts licking his own asshole.  Ronald McDonald looks horrified as Joshua Jackson turns back human.

RONALD McDONALD:  Oh my GOD!  Why did you lick your own ass!?

JOSHUA JACKSON:  I had a Big Mac earlier today and I had to get the taste out of my mouth.

RONALD McDONALD:  YOU SON OF A BITCH!

Ronald McDonald and Joshua Jackson get into a fight.  Ronald McDonald starts shoving fries, shakes, and hamburgers into Joshua Jackson’s face until Joshua dies of a heart attack.  Ronald McDonald turns to the others just as a door opens and smashes him against the wall killing him.  Mulder stumbles out clutching his chest.  There is blood on him.

SCULLY:  Oh my God, Mulder!

DOGGETT:  What happened?

MULDER:  The Yellow Bastard.  I tried to stop him, but he grabbed my titty and twisted it until it bled.

REYES:  Kinky!

MULDER:  I couldn’t stop him!  He took Walt!

DOGGETT:  He took Walt?

REYES:  Walt?

EVERYONE:  WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALT!!!

WALT:  What?

Everyone looks.  Walt is standing next to them.  Reyes is especially confused.

REYES:  Hey, if the Yellow Bastard took Walt, then WHO ARE YOU!?

WALT:  I’m Walt, titbags.

MULDER:  But, I saw him throw you in the back of his Daewoo.

WALT:  Yeah.  Thank God it was a Daewoo.  I was able to rip out of the back thanks to its tin foil construction.

SCULLY:  This is weird.  What does Doctor Evil want with you?  Are you special or something?

REYES:  Yeah… Special ED!

SCULLY:  We ALREADY MADE THAT JOKE!!!

Scully bitchslaps Reyes.

MULDER:  Well, don’t worry Walt.  You’re in good hands with us.

WALT:  Yeah right.  If I don’t make it through this whole ordeal dead, I’ll probably end up maimed or possessed or something.

RACHEL and AIDEN run up to them.

RACHEL:  Help!  My son’s been possessed!

Everyone looks at Walt.  Walt looks at them.

WALT:  What?  What are y’all looking at?

REYES: (To Rachel) Rachel, what do you mean?  How has your son been possessed?

RACHEL:  He’s been possessed by Samara, the murdering girl from the well!  Look at him!

AIDEN:  Hello, everyone.  Isn’t it a lovely day?  I’m so happy to see everyone is doing so well.  Shall I bake you some cookies?  I love you mommy.

Aiden hugs her and Rachel screams.

RACHEL:  DO SOMETHING!

MULDER:  Do what?  I like him better this way.

DOGGETT:  He’s polite, he’s caring…

RACHEL:  Hey, you’re right.  My son getting possessed was the best thing to happen to him!

AIDEN:  I love you mommy.

RACHEL:  And I love you son!

They join hands and walk away, getting run over by a truck that says “BEST BRAKES” on the side.

MEANWHILE, AT DOCTOR EVIL’S LAIR!!!

DOCTOR EVIL:  IDIOT!  FRICKIN’ IDIOT!

YELLOW BASTARD:  But, I-I-I swear!  I don’t know what happened!  I put him in the back of my Daewoo and the next thing I know…

Doctor Evil presses a button.  Yellow Bastard falls down a trapdoor into a firepit.

THE EMPEROR:  Do not worry, Doctor Evil, we may have lost Samara and more LOLAs, but with the use of the next team, we will have young Walt in our custody.  Lord Vader, meet the other LOLAs and take them to intercept Mulder and the others.

DARTH VADER:  But master!

THE EMPEROR:  Don’t call me butt master!

SCOTT EVIL: So which losers are we rolling out now?
THE EMPEROR: Ladies and Gentlemen, from Battlestar Galactica, meet Gaius Baltar!
BALTAR: Hello. I don't entirely understand why I'm here. I'm a good guy. Kind of.

NUMBER SIX walks up to him.

NUMBER SIX: Yes, but you're clearly crazy! I mean, are you insane and hearing voices or sane and conspiring with the enemy? Am I live or am I Memorex?
BALTAR: GET OUT OF MY BRAIN DEVIL WOMAN!
DOCTOR EVIL: Who is he talking to?

The Emperor shrugs. Baltar runs around grabbing his head and screaming until he passes out.

THE EMPEROR: Anyways, also from "Battlestar Galactica", is Boomer the Cylon!

BOOMER walks out.

CANCERMAN: Hey, I thought Boomer was...
BOOMER: A dude? That was the old show, I'm the new model!
CANCERMAN: I was about to say that robot dog thing, but whatever.
THE EMPEROR: From the movie "Taxi", the Brazilian Bombshell Bank Robbers!

The models walk out and pose.

GISELE BUNDCHEN: Don't hate us because we're beautiful. Hate us because we're evil.
THE EMPEROR: From "Sin City", it's the evil misogynistic serial killer Elijah Wood!

ELIJAH WOOD comes out. A long silence.

NUMBER TWO: Shouldn't he say something?
THE EMPEROR: No. His character doesn't speak. Which probably works out for the best, because he's not a very good actor anyways.

Elijah Wood hangs his head down and sighs.

THE EMPEROR: From pretty much anything... it's Willem Defoe!

WILLEM DEFOE jumps out from no where and starts wringing his hands and cackling maniacally.

DOCTOR EVIL: Jesus!
WILLEM DEFOE: (Normally) Why yes, I did in fact play Jesus in "The Last Temptation of Christ". But I'm here because I played a bad guy in "Spider-Man", "Shadow of the Vampire", "xXx: State of the Union", "Once Upon a Time in Mexico" and most evilly... "SPEED 2: Cruise Control"!

Everyone gasps. There's a silence again. Willem suddenly cackles maniacally again, causing everyone to gasp yet again.

DARTH VADER: He's creepy.
THE EMPEROR: I DIDN'T SAY YOU COULD SPEAK YET! (A pause) Anyways, from Ocean's Twelve... it's The Night Fox!

THE NIGHT FOX comes out.

NIGHT FOX: Bonjour! 'Allo! Comment allez-vous, mes amis?
SCOTT EVIL: Aw shit. A French guy?
DOCTOR EVIL: Show some respect Scott! He's the greatest thief in the world!
NIGHT FOX: Oui! I am! Allow me to show you how I stole a valuable painting!

The Night Fox starts prancing around like the world's gayest backup dancer.

SCOTT EVIL: Well, I can just see Mulder and Scully shaking in their boots right now.
THE EMPEROR: Also, from "A Series of Unfortunate Events"... COUNT OLAF!

COUNT OLAF floats in, being hefted by several wires. He touches down.

COUNT OLAF: GrEEtings! I am your beloved Count Olaf!

Another long silence.

DOCTOR EVIL: What, no snotty comment about "The Truman Show" from you, Scott?

Yet another long silence.

DOCTOR EVIL: Scott?
NUMBER TWO: Scott ran off a few seconds ago with Boomer.
DOCTOR EVIL: That horny little ass! (Looks around) Did he take the Brazilian models too?
CANCER MAN: No. They ran off with Elijah Wood. They thought he was "Hobbit cute".
THE EMPEROR: WHAT? He's a serial killer! They're probably all dead now! GODDAMMIT!
DARTH VADER: Well, it's not like anyone would really notice. Like, five people saw "Taxi" anyways!
THE EMPEROR: Zip the lip! Fine! Screw it, take the LOLA's and get out of here!

Darth Vader and the LOLA's leave.

MEANWHILE...

SIN CITY
MIDNIGHT
TONIGHT'S FORECAST: CLOUDY
CHANCE OF RAIN: 60%
CHANCE OF BRITTANY MURPHY OVERACTING: 100%

Mulder is still driving. Scully is in the passenger seat with Doggett, Reyes and Walt in the back seat.

MULDER: (voice over) It was a dark and stormy night. It was the kind of night where the wolves were silent and only the moon howled. The clouds above hung ponderously, like loosely-formed steel-gray gorilla turds. The redhead had moxie but she was like a wet firecracker; she'd pop, but only after you've picked it up when the fuse ran out and you thought it wasn't going to do anything. The mooks in the backseat were our "replacements". Yeah, right. Replaced like the air in an elevator after a bad fart, leaving things awkward for you and your co-worker. Not that I'd know anything about that. Then there's the kid. Not sure what his deal is. I think he's the dude from "Everybody Hates Chris".
WALT: Walt, motherfucker! My name is WALT!
SCULLY: Not that I don't find this highly annoying, because I do, but where are we going?
MULDER: We need a place to lay low for while. Someplace with people, but not too public. Out of the way.
DOGGETT: Denny's?
REYES: NOT DENNY'S! Ass.
WALT: Aw, he's probably just going to bring us to some vice den full of hos that Mulder trolls for when he can't get any!

Mulder pulls up to a club with a neon sign reading "GENERIC STRIP CLUB". Doggett and Reyes look at Walt.

WALT: Don't look at me like that, it's not like I needed any psychic powers to see that one coming!
SCULLY: He's got a point.

The gang enters the strip club. Several women are dancing by poles.

DOGGETT: Holy crap! Is that Jessica Alba from "Sin City" over there in the bikini?
MULDER: Yep.
DOGGETT: And is that Natalie Portman from "Closer" in another bikini?
MULDER: Damn right!
DOGGETT: So that's really Erica Durance from "Sin City" also in a bikini?
MULDER: Hell yeah!
WALT: Wait... why are they all wearing bikinis? Shouldn't they be naked or something?
SCULLY: Leave it to Mulder that the only Strip Club he can find is one where the strippers don't actually strip.
JESSICA ALBA: Strip? What are you people, perverts or something? We're dancers!
WALT: (Holds up a twenty) Well which one of all y'all bitches wants to flash some titty?

Reyes raises her hand. Scully slaps her.

MEANWHILE...

Darth Vader, Baltar, Elijah Wood, The Night Fox, Willem Defoe and Count Olaf are driving around.

DARTH VADER: Okay, I sense that our targets are in this area.
SIX: They're probably in a strip club.
BALTAR: They're probably in a strip club.
DARTH VADER: Excellent theory, Baltar.
SIX: Why don't you tell them you had help figuring it out?
BALTAR: Why don't you SHUT UP?
SIX: YOU NEVER TAKE ME OUT ANYMORE!
BALTAR: WOMAN, GET ME A DAMN BEER!

Everyone is staring at Baltar arguing with no one.

DARTH VADER: Okay, the force tells me that our targets are in... THAT strip club!

They pull over and march up to the door. Darth Vader kicks it in.

DARTH VADER: Agents Mulder and Scully, prepare to meet your doom!

We then see that they've walked into a gay bar. The sign "The Blue Oyster" is hanging above their heads.

MR. SLAVE: Jesus Christ...
WILLEM DEFOE: Why yes, I did play...
DARTH VADER: Where's Mulder and Scully? They're supposed to be in a strip club here!
BIG GAY AL: You want the one next door!
DARTH VADER: You have two strip clubs right next door to each other?
BIG GAY AL: This is Sin City! Strip clubs are like 7-11's here! And nice outfit! Makes em wish I wore my sailor suit!
DARTH VADER: Huh?

Loud tango music starts playing and all the gay guys start dancing.

DARTH VADER: Come on, everyone! We're leaving!

The LOLA's start leaving except one. Darth Vader turns around and sees The Night Fox dancing with them.

DARTH VADER: You coming?
THE NIGHT FOX: Only if zeze leather sluts play their cards right! N'est pas?
DARTH VADER: I think I'm going to be sick.

Darth and the LOLA's leave. They barge in on the club next door.

DARTH VADER: Agents Mulder and Scully, prepare to meet your--

Darth Vader sees Natalie Portman.

DARTH VADER: Padme?
NATALIE PORTMAN: Anakin?
DARTH VADER: You're a stipper now?
NATALIE PORTMAN: Uh... Yeah.
DARTH VADER: Can I have a lap dance?
NATALIE PORTMAN: Do you have twenty bucks?
DARTH VADER: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Darth runs off crying.

MULDER: Well, that was a lucky break.
WALT: Yeah, now it's just four LOLA's instead of five. So we're only slightly outnumbered instead of totally fucked! Do something!
WILLEM DEFOE: You won't be doing anything for long!

He cackles maniacally. Everyone shudders. Mulder and Scully bring out their guns and aim at him.

SCULLY: Wait! Don't shoot, Mulder! If we shoot him, he'll just come back as another villain from one of his movies! Just like that goddamned gag Jason and Jesse pull every year!
MULDER: Good point! So who will we shoot?
SCULLY: (On Count Olaf) What about this asshole?
COUNT OLAF: I'm sorry, what? I don't speak monkey!

Mulder and Scully nod at each other. They both shoot Jim Carrey.

SCULLY: Well, that wasn't too bad.

He pops back up as THE RIDDLER!

SCULLY: GODDAMN IT! Can't we avoid this fucking joke?
THE RIDDLER: Riddle me this! What's black and white and read all over?
SCULLY: I'll tell you what it isn't! A good review of "The Majestic"!
MULDER: BURN!

They shoot him. He pops up as THE CABLE GUY!

CABLE GUY: Caaaaaaable guuuuuyyy!

They shoot him again. He comes back up as that bad guy from "Me, Myself and Irene".

THE GUY FROM "ME, MYSELF AND IRENE": You like that, candypants?

Scully kicks him. He staggers back, falls over a railing and falls to his death. Meanwhile, Elijah Wood is kicking the crap out of Doggett.

DOGGETT: This SUCKS! I can't believe I'm getting beat up by a demented Charlie Brown!
REYES: Wait! I know how to stop him! (To Elijah) Hey! Look at this! (Pulls out a football) Wanna kick it?

Elijah Wood nods and runs for the ball. Reyes pulls it at the last second, sending him into the air.

ELIJAH WOOD: AAAAUUUUUUUUUGGHHH!

He slams headfirst into a stripper pole, caving his skull in and getting killed. Meanwhile, Walt is facing off against Baltar.

BALTAR: Okay, kid. Come along quietly. No reason we have to fight!
WALT: Screw you, ballsack!

He kicks Baltar in the nuts. Nothing happens.

WALT: Shouldn't that have hurt?
BALTAR: Eh! After getting dumped by Starbuck and Six's constant nagging...
WALT: You've already been emasculated. Got it. Get him girls!

Jessica Alba, Natalie Portman and Erica Durance jump him and rip him apart.

ERICA DURANCE: Hooray! We're role models now!
STRIPPERS: Yay!

Mulder and Scully are still facing off against Willem Defoe. He's wringing his hand evilly.

MULDER: How do we stop this guy?
SCULLY: Perhaps we can deflect his overacting with a barrier! But where can we find a...
MULDER: Found one!

Mulder drags BRITTANY MURPHY on-screen.

BRITTANY MURPHY: Don't you DARE do THIS! MY boyFRIEND will SAVE meeeeee!
SCULLY: Perfect! At least in an annoying way.

They stand her up in front of Willem.

WILLEM DEFOE: You have only seen too much. We are going to make sure this does not happen again.
BRITTANY MURPHY: You brought your whole pack with you? None of these losers got lives they gotta hang with you?
WILLEM DEFOE: I could squash you like a bug right now, but I'm offering you a chance. Join me!
BRITTANY MURPHY: Shut up and keep your hands to yourself, or I'll cut your little pecker off!

As the two keep dueling, a humming noise starts. It's getting louder.

MULDER: What's that?
SCULLY: Ham feedback! They're overloading each other! They're going to blow! RUN!

They all hightail it out of the strip club as it EXPLODES, sending stipper parts and other silicone toys everywhere. Mulder gets up and dusts himself off, looks over and sees Doggett and Walt there also.

DOGGETT: Where's Scully and Reyes?
WALT: We probably got separated in the blast! We need to get out of here before Vader or any other LOLA's find us!
MULDER: Look! A cop over there! He could help us!

They run over to the officer.

MULDER: Hey you, officer! Help us out here, would you? We're being chased by a gang of lame villains!

The cop turns around. It's ROSCOE P. COLTRANE from "The Dukes of Hazzard".

ROSCOE P. COLTRANE: I'd love to help... but unfortunately, we're gonna have to take the boy!
MULDER: ...Huh?
WALT: Aw shit, not again!
DOGGETT: Hey, wait a minute!

BONK! Roscoe knocks out Mulder and Doggett and handcuffs them both, throwing them in the back of his cop car. He then grabs Walt and drags him into the car, where they speed off. Scully and Reyes run up as Roscoe speeds off.

REYES: He got Mulder, Doggett and Walt! He must work for LOLA!
SCULLY: You think so, creamstain?

Scully smacks Reyes.

REYES: What do we do to get them back?

SCULLY:  I don’t know.  If they follow usual LOLA retard procedure, they won’t kill Mulder and Dogget but rather put them in an easily escapable situation.

REYES:  But, what kind of easily escapable situation would a corrupt law enforcement official put someone in?

MULDER is in prison with MICHAEL and LINCOLN from Prison Break.

MULDER:  So you see… the trick is only make people THINK that you’re going to become a big star.  That way, when you actually leave the show, people will still be talking about you even when you can’t find work!

MICHAEL:  But people hate you now.  People call you David Douche-covney.

MULDER:  No they don’t!

Jason and Jesse walk by the bars.

JASON:  After this story they will.

They exit.

VINCENT:  Who were they?  Are they the new prison bitches?  Cause I need a new one on account of mine getting stabbed.

DOGGETT enters wearing a towel.

DOGGETT:  Goodness, that was a fun shower but I think the prison needs to invest in a new kind of less-slippery soap.   Everyone kept dropping them and asking me to get them.

MULDER:  That must have been terrible for you.

DOGGETT:  It would have been if it hadn’t lead to all that sex.

VINCENT: (Looks up) Thank you.

MORGAN FREEMAN: (From the top bunk) You’re welcome.

DOGGETT:  Morgan Freeman?  What crime did you commit to end up in prison?

MORGAN FREEMAN:  You see Dreamcatcher?

DOGGETT:  Oh.

MULDER:  Hey, dick jockey, we’re getting off the point here.  How are we going to get out of here, rescue Walt, and then stop LOLA?

MORGAN FREEMAN:  I didn’t think very much of Mulder the first time that I saw him.  His acting range was limited and his accentuation was atrocious.  Still, I respected him.  I—

MULDER:  Hey Freeman, shut the fuck up!

VINCENT:  Hey, you should listen to him.  He played the president once in a science fiction movie.

DOGGETT:  The one with the comet hitting the Earth?  I wouldn’t call that science fiction because it was based on facts.

VINCENT:  No, I mean it was science fiction because there was a black presi—

Jason and Jesse shows up.

JESSE:  Whoa!  Hold it right there!

VINCENT:  Hey, we’re in the middle of a scene here!

JESSE:  Yeah, but Jason and I thought it over and we can’t let you finish that joke.  It’s just… wrong.

JASON:  And my ISP says that if I get any more hate mail, they’re going to start giving out my home address.  I can’t have an angry mob at my house again!  It would be like the time I wrote that Friends, 9/11 crossover!

JESSE:  Yeah, that was funny.

JASON:  “Look out for that falling debris, Joey!”

They laugh.

JESSE: Yeah, so we can’t let you tell that black joke.

JASON:  It’s too controversial.

MICHAEL:  So, what joke should we tell?

DOGGETT:  I know this great one about felching.

MICHAEL:  What’s feltching?

DOGGETT:  It’s when you—

JESSE:  NO!  NO!  Jesus, no!

JASON:  Here, just tell the joke on this card.

Jason hands the card to Mulder.  Jason and Jesse walk off.

DIRECTOR:  And… ACTION!

Mulder looks at the card.

MULDER: (reading) What’s the difference between Jesus and a painting of Jesus?

Jesse runs back on and takes the card away from Mulder.

JESSE:  WRONG CARD!  WRONG CARD!

Meanwhile, Scully and Reyes are driving along.

REYES:  We’ve got to find Mulder and Doggett and fast!

SCULLY:  We probably shouldn’t have stopped for that shoe sale.

REYES: The FUCK you say!

SCULLY:  Reyes, we’re being followed.

REYES:  We are?

Boomer from Battlestar Galactica, Roscoe from The Dukes of Hazzard, and The Night Fox from Ocean’s 12 is sitting in the back seat.  Reyes turns around to look, but Scully stops her.

SCULLY:  No!  Don’t look!  Just play it cool.

Reyes takes the hint and starts innocently whistling.

SCULLY: So, Reyes, how are things?

REYES:  I had sex with a great guy at the shoe sale.

SCULLY:  Reyes!  I hope you practiced safe sex!

REYES:  Relax, I asked him if he had AIDs and he said no.

SCULLY:  Well, that’s a relief.

REYES:  You’re telling me.  I don’t want to get THAT shit again.  (Silently)  they still following us?

All of the LOLAs are still in the backseat.

SCULLY:  Yeah.  I’m going to try and loose them.  Hold on.

Scully cuts the wheel and the car does a 180 degree turn.  Scully hits the gas and the car takes off in the opposite direction.

REYES:  Did we loose them?

Scully looks.  The backseat is now completely empty.

SCULLY:  Yeah, we lost them.

REYES:  Scully stop!

Scully slams on the breaks.  The car screeches to a stop in front of a gas station.

REYES:  I’ll be right back.

Reyes jumps out of the car and runs inside.  Scully watches her go.  Suddenly, LOLAs jump out of nowhere and surround the car!  It’s LOKI from Son of the Mask, NEMESIS from Resident Evil 2, IAN HOWE from National Treasure, and CILLIAN MURPHY from Red Eye.

SCULLY:  Didn’t we kill you already?

CILLIAN MURPHY:  That was the Scarecrow.  I am a completely different pussy villain.

SCULLY:  Of course you are.

IAN HOWE:  Will you get out of the car please.

SCULLY:  Oh, fine.

Scully gets out of the car and looks at them.

LOKI:  The odds are in our favor.  It’s three against one.

NEMESIS:  Rrraaaaarrrrgh!

LOKI:  What do you mean it’s four against one?

NEMESIS:  Rrrrgh!

LOKI:  What do you mean I forgot to count myself?
IAN HOWE:  Quiet!

CILLIAN MURPHY:  Yes, let’s kill this woman before someone tougher shows up.

SCULLY:  Fine.  Will you hold this for me?

Scully places an unused tampon in his hand.

CILLIAN MURPHY:  (Screaming like a little girl) Ew!  It’s a tampon!

He throws it to IAN HOWE.

IAN HOWE:  It’s horrible!

Ian throws it to Loki.

LOKI:  It might potentially go into her pooty-poo!

Loki throws it to Nemesis.

NEMESIS:  Rrrgh rarw rarrrgh!

Nemesis throws it back to Cillian Murphy who throws it over his shoulder.

CILLIAN MURPHY:  There’s only one way to win this battle.  GAS FIGHT!

Cillian, Ian, Nemesis, and Loki grab nozzles from the gas pump and aim them at Scully.

NEMESIS:  Raaaagh!

SCULLY:  What?  What’s that you said?  You have Loki shit on the end of your dick?

NEMESIS:  Rrr?

LOKI:  You BASTARD!

Loki showers Nemesis with gas.  Nemesis showers Loki with gas.

IAN HOWE:  Here now.  Let’s be civil, what?  I mean, who cares if the mutated freak had his manparts in your brown eye.

CILLIAN MURPHY:  After Nemesis was through with him, I’d call it a Red Eye!  Get it?  Red Eye!  Like the movie I was in.

LOKI:  Not really.

The LOLAs start spraying gas at each other.  The station attendant runs out.

ATTENDANT:  Hey, you just sprayed five gallons of gas at each other!   That’s five hundred bucks worth!

The LOLAs look at each other.

IAN HOWE:  Damn you George W. Bush and your ties to Saudi oil that's making you rich at the expense of others!  CHEESE IT!

They run for it.

LOKI:  Quick!  Into this Daewo!

They get into the Daewo and drive out of the lot.  They hit a pigeon and the car explodes killing them all.  Scully is dumbstruck as Reyes exits the station.

REYES:  More LOLA’s huh?

SCULLY:  Where the fuck have you been?

REYES:  Don’t blame me.  The sign said Clean Bathrooms Inside and so I did!

SCULLY:  And where did you get that gum?

REYES:  From the candy machine in the bathroom.  I’d offer you some, but it’s not very good.  It tastes like rubber.

SCULLY:  That’s nice.

REYES:  Still, we should be on alert.  It’s not like the LOLAs to send such a tiny force.  They were probably only scouts.

SCULLY:  How did you figure that without Cliffnotes and a 4^th grader to help you?

REYES:  Because there are more LOLAs behind us.

They turn and are confronted by more LOLAs.

SCULLY:  They’re worse than LOLAs, they’re C.O.C.K.M.A.S.T.E.R.S.!

REYES:  Not the worst villains from reality television!

GORDON RAMSEY:  The very same!  I am Chef Gordon Ramsey from Hell’s Kitchen!  I am ill-tempered, hypocritical when it comes to customer service, and worst of all… ENGLISH!!!

REYES:  Why is that so bad?

SCULLY:  Reyes, you dumb bitch!  Don’t you know that British food sucks? 

SCOTT SABLE:  I am Scott Sable of American Idol.  For some reason, I made it all the way up to the final six despite the fact that I can’t sing and look like I have down syndrome.

JONATHAN:  I am Jonathan!

VICTORIA:  And I am Victoria!

JONATHAN:  We’re from The Amazing Race.  I’m rich and competitive and hit my wife off camera and sometimes on camera.

VICTORIA:  And I stick with this douche bag because I’m a materialistic whore who loves being rich too.

STEPHANIE:  I’m Stephanie from Survivor and I’m like a turd that won’t flush.  I stayed on like a bad rash during Survivor Palau and they brought me back for Survivor Guatemala because people love me so much.  I love my new teammates!  They're awesome!

COREY CLARK:  I’m Corey Clark from American Idol and I told everyone I had an affair with Paula Abdul so that that my shitty album would sell more copies.

SCULLY:  You said that about Paula!?

REYES:  How could you!?  She’s so NICE!

They shoot Corey Clark dead.

STEPHANIE:  Aw, why do I always get stuck with the loosing team?  Why can’t my team be winners?  Whiney, whiney, whiney, whiney, whiney, whine?
RICHARDO:  And I am Ricardo from Kept.

A long silent beat.

REYES:  Kept?

SCULLY:  Jason?  Jesse?  Which one of you faggots actually watched Kept?

JASON:  My wife likes the show!

SCULLY:  Of course she does.

JASON:  What else are we going to do in the evenings?  Rent the movie you’re not currently starring in?

SCULLY:  Touché.

GORDON RAMSEY:  ENOUGH OF THIS!  KILL THEM!!!

C.O.C.K.M.A.S.T.E.R.S. run after Scully and Reyes.

REYES:  CHEESE IT!

Scully and Reyes run for it.  C.O.C.K.M.A.S.T.E.R.S. are in full pursuit except for Victoria who falls behind.

VICTORIA:  JOOOOOOOOOOHN!

JONATHAN:  Come Victoria!  Move your fat ass!

VICTORIA:  I can’t!  JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHN!

JONATHAN:  YOU’RE USELESS, YOU KNOW THAT!?

VICTORIA:  JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHN!  I CAN’T!  I CAN’T!

JONATHAN:  GODDAMIT, YOU STUPID COW!  YOU’RE MAKING US LOOSE!

Jonathan starts beating the crap out of her.  PHIL, the host of The Amazing Race (the greatest reality show ever) steps out.

PHIL:  Jonathan.  Stop beating your wife.  CBS doesn’t stand for that and if you don’t stop, we’re going to have to send you hooowme.

JONATHAN:  Where?

PHIL:  Hooowme.  You’re hooowme.

VICTORIA:  Huh?

PHIL:  Hooowme!  A building with a roof on it where you sleep at night!

VICTORIA:  A woman’s shelter?

PHIL:  Hooowme!  The place where you raise your kids?

JONATHAN:  A boxing ring?

PHIL:  MOTHERFUCKERS!!!

Phil takes out a gun and shoots them both in the head.

PHIL:  I’m sorry to say that you’ve both been eliminated.  You’ve been pooooowned.

Meanwhile, the other C.O.C.K.M.A.S.T.E.R.S. are still chasing Scully and Reyes.

GORDON RAMSEY:  Sable!  Stephanie!  Go back there and see where Jonathan and Victoria went?

SCOTT SABLE:  I AM SAM!

STEPHANIE:  Wonderful!  I’m so happy to finally be with a winning team!

They run back to Jonathan and Victoria only to find PHIL standing with an al qaeda terrorist.

AL QAEDA TERRORIST:  Welcome to Afghanistan.

STEPHANIE:  Thank you.

SCOTT SABLE:  MATT DAIMON!

PHIL:  Stephanie and Scott?

STEPHANIE:  Yes?

PHIL:  You’re the lamest team to arrive.  I’m sorry to tell you that you’ve both been eliminated from the story.

The al qaeda terrorist hands them a bomb.

STEPHANIE:  Why do I always get on the loosing team?  It’s not fair!  It’s never my fault!  Bitchy bitchy gripe gripe complain whine whine ecetera…

SCOTT SABLE:  VOTE FOR THE WORST DOT COM!!!

KA-BOOM!  Stephanie and Scott explode and rain down in a shower of lameness.

C.O.C.K.M.A.S.T.E.R.S. are still chasing Scully and Reyes.

GORDON RAMSEY:  Dammit, we lost them!

RICHARDO:  Probably scared off by my muscles and massive shlong.

GORDON RAMSEY:  And if that’s not enough, we also lost the rest of the C.O.C.K.M.A.S.T.E.R.S. team!

RICHARDO:  Maybe this guy can help us?

PHIL is standing in front of them.

PHIL:  Gordon.  Richardo?

GORDON:  What?

PHIL:  You’re the last team to arrive.

RICHARDO:  Awwww…

PHIL:  I’m pleased to tell you, however, that this is a non-elimination round and that you can proceed with the chase.

GORDON:  That’s great!

PHIL:  However, I am going to have to take all of your money and your possessions.

They hand over all of their money and possessions.

PHIL:  Also, I want that watch.  That’s fucking sweet.

Gordon Ramsey hands him his watch.

PHIL:  And you… Geraldo or whatever.  I want those shoes.

Richardo gives him his shoes.

PHIL:  Awesome.  Phil got PAID!

GORDON RAMSEY:  Wait a minute, we’re not on The Amazing Race!  We can’t be eliminated!

PHIL:  No, but you can be… PHIL-LIMINATED!!!

Phil shoots them both in the head.  Scully and Reyes walks up to him.

SCULLY:  Wow, thanks for all your help, Phil.  I know you hate to get involved in these reality show fights.

PHIL:  I just weighed my loathing of getting involved with my love of killing and love always wins.  Now I must go hoooowme.

A beat.

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