'Twas the night before Christmas and all over the place,
not a mug was visible. Not one single face!
And in the galley, all through the night,
there was the stench of leola root covered in blight.
Janeway in her nighty, and Chakotay in his cap,
had just left the bridge before the stress made them snap.
When all over the ship there arose such a noise,
that it startled the girls and frightened the boys!
The captain put on her clothes and as fast as she could,
she ran to the bridge where the Vulcan Tuvok stood.
"The ship has been boarded," the Vulcan stoically said,
"The warp core is off-line! Two ensigns are dead!"
"Who is the intruder!?" Janeway asked as if he knew,
"Is it the Kazon? The Borg? The Hirogen or Q?"
"None of the above," Tuvok said without any pause,
"It appears our intruder is a human named Santa Claus."
"Oh goodie!" Harry Kim squealed with gitty glee,
"I wonder if Santa has brought a gift or two for me!"
Then from the turbolift (the one in the rear),
a man in a red coat suddenly appeared.
"Phasers on stun!" Chakotay said without a thought.
"No wait!" Santa answered. "Look at the gifts I've brought!
For Chakotay a skateboard. Please play with it with care,
and Janeway, a pretty ribbon to tie up your hair.
For Seven of Nine a pretty dress that won't make you look like a whore,
and for Torres I've some lingerie that'll make Paris beg for more.
For Harry a puppy, for Tuvok a smile,
and for Neelix a toothbrush (it's been quite a while)."
The crew's hearts were suddenly filled with lots of joy and cheer,
at least until ol' Saint Nick said, "Bye folks, I'm outta here!"
"But Santa," asked Torres in a small and plantitive moan,
"If you really want to do something nice for us, can't you get us home?"
"She's got a point," Janeway butted in with a big grin on her face,
"If you got here from the Alpha Quadrant which is on the other side of space,
perhaps you can send us home without a worry or a care,
so that the Christmas season with our families we can share!"
"Santa's sleigh!" Harry said, his little mouth starting to foam,
"That's how he got out here and that's how we can get home!"
"Give us your sleigh," Seven of Nine ordered shattering the Yule,
"You must comply! You will be assimilated! Resistance is Futile!"
Santa stared at the ex-drone and all her curvaceous curves,
"You want me to give up my sled? I can't believe your horrible words!"
And at Kris Kringle's head, Tuvok leveled a big phaser,
and the tension on the bridge could have been cut with a razor.
And Janeway put her hands on her hips like a disapproving mother,
"We're going home, you fat bastard! One way or another!"
"Is this what I get for trying to spread Christmas cheer?"
Santa was mad, and the situation was queer.
"If that's the way you want it, I'll not argue with you,
but I won't give any more presents to you and your crew!"
And with that, Santa went for his blaster,
but Tuvok's marksmanship was just a bit faster,
and Santa Clause vaporized in a flash of luminescence,
the air filtration system sucked up what was left of his essence.
Then Voyager was hit by an energy unknown,
and all of the ship nameless ensigns were thrown.
"What the hell was that," Janeway asked for an answer that she wanted to hear.
"You not going to believe this," Tom answered, "We're being attacked by Santa's reindeer!"
"I think Voyager can handle animals," Chakotay said to some guy.
"Agreed," agreed Janeway, "Let's blow those deer out of the sky!"
And Voyager's phasers on full unleashed their mighty wrath,
and blew those stupid reindeer way the hell off the map.
Nothing was left of Comet or Cupid or of Vixen,
not an antler remained of Donner or Blitzen!
"We've screwed the pooch now," Tom Paris had to say.
Chakotay nodded, "I can't believe what we've done this day!"
"We killed Santa!" Harry said, his face wet with tears,
so much so that no even mentioned the nine dead reindeers.
And then, out in space, a marvelous sight was seen,
but it wasn't the Romulans, the Klingons, or the Breen,
it was a fat little man driving a sleigh,
with nine tiny reindeer leading the way.
"You failed my test," he said with contempt,
"I was testing your convictions but all of you all wimped,
therefore, I'll not be sending you home on this day,
but let me give you some advice before you go on your way:
What you tried to do to me was really quite sick,
but you'll have to get up pretty early in the morning to fool Ol' Saint Nick!
And with his middle finger extended, Santa exposed his rear,
"Merry Christmas, you bastards! Round two is next year!"

THE END
(Merry Christmas - Don't try to kill Santa)