"Thank you, Quinn Mallory, for inventing sliding!"
-- Arturo to Quinn after he lands in a pen full of horse dung

"Already!?"
-- Arturo responding to Rembrandt saying that they have big trouble

"Don't sweat it kid, the boss was gonna can him anyway."
-- Billy Ray to Quinn after he guns down a lawyer

"All I see are a bunch of hearts that don't match."
-- Wade sabotaging Rembrant's poker game

"El Sid"

Alternate Title: "The Jailhouse Rock"
Grade: C+

Quinn saves a woman, Michelle, from getting beat up from her boyfriend, Sid, only to have Sid follow Michelle and the sliders through the wormhole. They all emerge on a world where San Francisco is a prison (a la "Escape From New York) and an major, MAJOR earthquake is due any day (a la... uh... well... "Earthquake"). A guy named, L.J., gives the sliders + 2 friendship bracelets which puts them on the buddy system (that is, if your buddy commits a crime, you do the time), and in true sliders style, Quinn is paired with Sid, who already wants to kill him for taking him through the wormhole in the first place. Sid walks off and robs an A.T.M. machine and gets really pissed when the money he takes turns out to be purple. Quinn then runs like hell to get away before the buddy system gets his head blown off. Luckily, he is saved by an minor earthquake before a guard can shoot him. L.J. meets with Quinn, Michelle, and the sliders at Bart Station only to double-cross them and steal the timer so he and several other inmates can fly the proverbial coup. The prison guards put a quick end to that idea and Michelle kills L.J. just for the hell of it. The sliders run out of the station right into the arms of more prison guards and Sid, who is now in cahoots with them. The guards, who want to escape before San Francisco falls into the ocean, tell the sliders that whoever tells the how to work the timer can slide with them leaving the others to die. Arturo decides, "better them than me", and sells them out. Michelle pulls a gun on Sid, and Arturo says, "Good job! That's exactly what I wanted to happen!" Sid escapes and tries to kill Quinn, but Michelle kicks his butt and leaves him. In true sliders style, Michelle is never seen again.

"Please keep moving, the life you save could be your own.  Don't litter, 
or you'll be very sorry.  Remember, the custodians are your friends, we 
all live here together. Friends don't let friends commit crimes.  Don't 
venture too close to the perimeter, we're watching you."
-- A computerized voice in the courtyard

"Attention K-Mart shoppers."
-- Rembrandt upon seeing the stolen merchandise in the Bart Station

"You set a mean pace Mr. Brown!"
-- Arturo running from the guards

"Time Again and World"

Alternate title: "Cops 'n Kilts"
Grade: D+

The sliders land on a world full of bearded women (insert shudder and gag here). While there Wade and the sliders witness the murder of a judge named NASA who mutters the word "rosebud", and gives Wade a Nintendo cartridge wrapped in a Hard Rock Cafe' . The group slides to an identical world where the women (thank God!) do not wear beards. When the same events begin to happen again, Wade screams out warning the would be murderee, NASA, who in turn, kills the would be murderer who turns out to be a crossdresing cop, who's last words are "Go see "The Rock", it's a great movie!" Later, at the Dominion, some very mean people with guns tell the sliders not to talk to the police (which they've already done, so it sort of defeats the purpose). Wade gets peeved and goes to the police anyway and tattles on the desk clerk and the gunmen. Wade notices that the gunmen are the cops so she and Quinn run away. Back at the Dominion, Wade discovers that Judge NASA is one of the good guys and that the Nintendo cartridge is actually a computer disk. When they run the disk though a computer they discover that it contains the Constitution of the United States and a really good recipe for brownies. Wade and Rembrandt go to the Hard Rock Cafe' and tries to find a woman named Elise, who apparently does not exist. They get mad and go to the park where they meet a helpful young generation X'er who tells them to go back to the Hard Rock Cafe' and ask for a girl named Natalie. When they meet Natalie, they find out that she is judge NASA's daughter and she is running a pirate radio station that plays the best country music on the west coast. They meet the D.J. who is L.C. , not to be confused with L.J. who, if you recall, screwed them over on the "El Sid" world. The radio station is raided by the F.C.C. forcing the sliders to run away with Natalie. Judge NASA is arrested, so Wade hands the disk over to the police for his safe return. The police think they've won, but it turns out that Wade posted the Constitution on the rec.arts.sliders.bboard before she slid.

"Don't even try to understand it professor, it'll just give you a headache."
-- Quinn talking about the plot to this episode

"This reminds me of a solo gig I played in Florida once.  The average age
was deceased."
-- Rembrandt rambling

"Mr. Mallory, the idea of freedom is reborn with every generation - Only 
one generation ever created the U.S. Constitution."
-- Arturo on the idea of trading the last copy of the Constitution for 
Judge Nassau

"I wish I could understand all of this."
-- Natalie, echoing the thoughts of all the veiwers, to Quinn. (Nominated
by "Mickey J")

"Where there's mystery, there's hope."
-- Quinn saying good-bye to Natalie

"In Dino Veritas"

The sliders slide off a world were all people have to wear truth collars, collars that zap you everytime you fib, and end up on a world where San Francisco is a dinosaur preserve. Wade makes omelets with dinosaur eggs, pissing off the mamma allosaurus. While running from the big bad mamma, Arturo trips, sprains his ankle, and drops the timer but no one notices until later. Quinn decides to go after it, and the other sliders (who are measurably smarter in my opinion) hide in a cave where they meet a nag-rat who tells them that they are under arrest for poaching and that Quinn is, most likely, dead meat. Rembrandt finds out by accident that the lady nag-rat is a hologram a la "Quantum Leap" or "Star Trek: Voyager." Wade tries to convince the hologram to help find Quinn and the timer by electrocuting herself. Rembrant volunteers to go find Quinn in another strange burst of courage and Wade yells at Arturo in a strange outburst of rage. Rembrandt is saved from being turned into dino-kibble by a real poacher who holds them hostage in the cave and hits the off switch on the hologram. While the poacher is sleeping, Wade turns back on the hologram, but she doesn't appear. Unperturbed, Wade slips and finds Quinn but she also finds the poacher. (Un)fortunately, the poacher is attacked an eaten by the cameraman. Quinn and Wade return to the cave where the hologram tells them she has found the timer. The sliders put an intricate, not-quite-McGuyverish plan into action to distract the mama allosaurus long enough to get the crippled Arturo to the wormhole. The sliders barely make it through as the allosaurus sticks it's head into the wormhole and eats several paleontologists in another universe. (KerZAP!!!) Damn these truth collars!

"In business and love a little hypocrisy is always necessary to grease the 
wheels."
-- Arturo talking about the stupidity of wearing truth collars

"Guys, guys, guys!  No bickering.  That's how we got into trouble last week."
-- Quinn breaking up a fight

"IT HURTS LIKE HELL!!!"
-- Arturo responding loudly to Rembrandt when he asks how his ankle feels.

"Not exactly my finest hour was it?  But then none of us covered ourselves 
in glory did we?  Or anything else in that matter.  Yes, we've certainly 
seen the best and the worst of each other."
-- Arturo remembering their experience on "naked world"

"I'm fine (zap!) OW!"
-- An injured, truth collar wearing Arturo trying to reassure Rembrandt 
and Wade

"Don't worry, I know what I'm doing."  (KerZap!)
-- Wade just before she runs out of the cave looking for Quinn

"Post Traumatic Slide Syndrome"

Rembrandt goes to a shrink and is declared insane after he spills the beans about sliding by telling this story: The sliders slide onto a world that looks like their home. Arturo warns Quinn, Wade, and Rembrandt about blabbing the story of sliding until they are actually able to control the slides. Arturo returns to the University and Rembrandt returns to his manager, who doesn't remember who he is. Quinn turns to "Hard Copy" and sees Arturo hogging all the credit for sliding and pushing his new book, "Quinn Mallory is a Big Fat Idiot." Quinn is shocked to discover that Rembrandt and Wade are making money off of their experience and wonders where his cut is. He forgets about all of it, however, when he reads an old newspaper and discovers that they are not home at all. Rembrant and Wade, however, don't buy it. Quinn goes home to drown his sorrows in Ovaltine only to get beat up by a burglar who steals the timer. Quinn goes to see Wade who is negotiating a movie deal where Madonna would play her, Wesley Snipes would play Rembrandt, Joey Lawrence would play Quinn, and Rush Limbaugh would play Arturo. Wade tells him to go away. Quinn goes to the professor and tells him that they are not home, but Arturo has screwed him over anyway, so he doesn't listen to him. Wade goes to Rembrandt, who is recording his new song, "Fro Fro on the Range", and voices her concerns that Quinn is going wack-o. Rembrant promises to talk to him later. Wade finds out that Arturo was the one that stole the timer for a museum and after she tells Quinn about it, she sees that the Golden Gate Bridge is painted baby blue, confirming the fact that they are not home. When they tell Arturo about it, his response is, "so what? big whoop!" Meanwhile, Rembrant and the Spinning Topps are booked on MTV's "House of Style." Wade and Quinn break into the museum to re-steal the timer only to discover that it's a fake timer. They are arrested and sent to a breeding center... uh... I mean, jail. Rembrandt bails them out when he finds out that they aren't on their world and they all go to break into Arturo's place to get the timer. To their surprise, they find Arturo tied up in the basement... put their by Arturo! It seems that the Arturo of this world is a real jerk and kidnapped the real Arturo to take the credit. The sliders untie Arturo just in time for Arturo to show up with the timer claiming to be the real Arturo (with me so far?). The tied Arturo knocks out the other Arturo and the sliders run away to Quinn's house, where they say good-bye to their families. Just before the wormhole opens, the other Arturo shows up still claiming to be the right one. The two Arturo's brawl and only one gets through the wormhole leaving the sliders with an Arturo that speaks in tougues, projectile vomits, and spins his head around 180 degrees. On a side note: This episode contains - hands down - the absolute best exit from a wormhole.

"What?  Have you land on and crush me!?
-- Rembrandt reacting to Arturo's suggestion that he jump into the wormhole
first.

"Having a tea party, WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE I'M DOING!?"
-- Arturo, when the sliders ask what he's doing tied up in the basement

"Obsession"

Wade has a wet dream about a former life and wakes up in a universe where India has conquered the world. The sliders then slide onto a world run by the Psychic Friends Network, where psychics are involved directly in government activities led by the head honcho psychic, the Prime Oracle. There they meet psychic, Derrick Bond, who knew that they where coming (but, then again, what else would you expect from a psychic?). He says that he and Wade are destined to be together because of a former life where they were old flames. Derrick leaves and Wade is almost run over by a car driven by the Prime Oracle, if Rembrant had not pushed her out of the way and gotten hit himself. At the hospital, they find out that J.F.K. and Sam Kineson where not assassinated and that doctors heal by touch (I wonder how they cure impotence?). While leaving the hospital, Rembrandt and Arturo are charged with Wade's murder, even though she is still alive. They sign a few forms and get to go home (go fig). Meanwhile, Derrick gets the job of Prime Oracle by lying on his resume'. Rembrant gets cozy with the doctor that fixed him, Wade gets cozy with Derrick, leaving Quinn and Arturo to get cozy (kidding). Wade and Derrick's dinner is interrupted when the old Prime Oracle buys the farm, making Derrick the new Prime Oracle, who is so happy that he asks Wade to think about becoming his awfully wedded wife. Wade meets Derrick at his house and tells him that she can't marry him, so he tells her to think about it harder. Derrick builds Wade's old bedroom which pisses her off because it invades her space. Wade then decides that she doesn't want to marry the slimeball so he grounds her and sends her to her room without her supper. Quinn, Arturo, Rembrandt, and his new girlfriend try to bust Wade out but fail miserably because Derrick knew they were going to do it (Again, what do you expect? They're psychics!). Derrick locks Wade in her room where she runs up $2000 in 1-900 calls. Wade calls Quinn, telling him that she is killing herself to spite Derrick so Quinn runs to Derrick's house to try to save her but he arrives too late. Quinn carries Wade out of the mansion only to discover that she is not really dead, just stoned, as a part of Arturo and Rembrandt's scheme (So you see, they really DID kill her!). Derrick finds out that Wade is alive and about to slide, so he gets to the wormhole to thank Wade for killing herself so he could meet his new fiancee', Bubbles, an exotic dancer.

"No matter how much power you have, you can't make people love you.  
Not even God can do that."
-- Wade trying to talk sense into Derrick

"I've just seen where they are going."
-- Derrick, with a look of horror on his face, after watching the sliders 
leave

"Greatfellahs"

The wormhole throws Arturo, Wade, Quinn, and a stunt double who doesn't really look a whole lot like Rembrandt into a mobster's wedding where they meet "Night Court" Alumni, Mel Torme'. The mobsters all seem terrified of Rembrandt, who immediately smothers Mel Torme', who seems horrified that Rembrandt even talks to him. The sliders leave before the mobsters can ventilate them. Later, the sliders find out that San Francisco is a Las Vegas-type city were all of the casinos are themed after FOX TV shows and everyone calls Rembrandt and the other sliders "The Unflushables". At the Dominion Hotel, Mel Torme', who is really a government tattle-tale on this world, gripes Quinn out for blowing his cover at the wedding. when Quinn comes back to the room, he finds out that Rembrandt has unknowingly accepted a $100,000 bribe from the Mafia, thus tarnishing the image of Rembrandt's counterpart, who is an FBI agent and head of the unflushables. Unfortunately, when Quinn goes to return the money to the mob, a hooker picks his pockets. He then goes to the one person who can help him, Mel Torme', who is subsequently blown to smithereens by the Mafia (which is ok, since he's only a country singer on this world). The next day, the Unflushable Deputy-Director Rembrandt Brown returns from Toronto and learns from his secretary that the real Rembrandt Brown screwed up the mob wedding. And speaking of the wedding, the would-be bride, Leah Greenfeild, comes to Rembrandt and the sliders and asks for police protection thinking that Rembrant is the Deputy-Director. She gives him a computer disk that has the formula for Classic Coke that Arturo and wade decides must be taken to the FBI. Meanwhile, Quinn goes out hooker-hunting, trying to get back the $100,000 that was stolen from him. When he finds out that the hooker has lost it all on the penny slots, Quinn counts card at the blackjack table and wins it all back (a la "Rain Man"). Arturo and Wade takes the disk to Deputy-Director Rembrandt who is absolutely no help what-so-ever. Arturo and Wade then take the disk to governor candidate Beeotchy, who happily helps them and offers to take them to his safe house. When Quinn returns to the Dominion Hotel, finds out that Rembrant is having a nice heart-to-heart with several people with guns who take them to an abandoned warehouse where Wade and Arturo also end up, tied and gagged by Beeotchy, who is really on the take. The warehouse is raided by Rembrant and the FBI who fire their guns indiscriminately at the people inside. Luckily, none of the sliders are hit. Quinn is getting ready to slide when the ghost of Mel Torme' tries to scare him.

"God, you'd think in a world of high-stakes gambling they'd want to get 
you as drunk as possible!"
-- Wade remarking on the fact that there isn't any alcohol in the casinos

"I've heard of the downsizing of the federal government, but this is 
ridiculous!"
-- Arturo when he sees that the San Francisco FBI is run out of an old 
warehouse

"Just remember, the cooler the cat, the harder it is to kill."
-- a back-from-the-dead Mel Torme' on the fact that a cat has nine lives

"The Young and the Relentless"

The sliders land in the backyard of a mansion where they find Quinn's counterpart drowned in a wading pool. Rembrandt goes to the mansion and gets dead Quinn's wife, long haired Wade, who goes bonkers when she sees the slider Quinn and Wade. They find out that the world they have landed on is a "Logan's Run" type world where everyone over the age of thirty has to get fired because of something Howard Stern had said on the radio back in 1980 (I wonder if Howard Stern got fired?). Because of that, everyone below the age of thirty are in a mad dash to make as much money as possible so they can retire in comfort. Long-haired Wade cons Quinn into taking her husbands place at a BBQ so that dead Quinn's legacy of an artificially intelligent teacher would make her rich, rich! RICH!!! The party ends and Klye, a business partner of dead Quinn, steals the timer and forces Quinn to continue to masquerade as long-haired Wade's husband to further insure the success of the AI teacher thus making him rich, rich! RICH!!!. Arturo and Rembrandt are arrested for beating the crap out of a pre-teen bartender but escape after Arturo fakes a heart attack. Quinn then meets Melanie White, the wife of a former business partner who was murdered, who serves him a supenia. That event makes Quinn suspicious of long-haired Wade (well, that and the fact that her eyes glow red when she is angry). Meanwhile, Rembrandt and Arturo are captured by a "Clueless" reject and hauled back to court. Desperate for some leverage against Kyle and long-haired Wade, Quinn and Wade set up an "America's Funniest Videos" type home movie to blackmail Kyle into giving them back the timer. Back in the courtroom, Arturo and Rembrandt are saved for jail time from their pre-pubescent defender who now has found new reasons to work harder in her job (she'll forget in a couple of weeks and go back to doing her job the old way). Long-haired Wade gets an unpleasant surprise when she watches a security camera tape of Wade and Quinn acting out the murder. Long-haired Wade gets really hacked and kills her butler, for which she is arrested. Arutro and Rembrandt meets back up with Quinn and Wade and the gang slides on.

"Well, it's hard not to take offense when you've just been told you're a 
second-class citizen."
-- Arturo when Wade's counterpart tells him, "No offense!" on the fact 
that he and Rembrant are too old to go to a party.

"That would really cheer me up, Professor, if I was a tree!"
-- Rembrant on the fact that timber clear-cutting has been outlawed

"How could it be worse when the judge is Dennis the Menace and our 
defender is a Debbie Gibson wannabe!?"
-- Arturo responding to Rembrandt when they are sent up the river by a 
teen-age judge.

"Can't save every world you land on."
-- A departing Arturo's final thought on 'Generation X' World"

"Invasion"

The sliders land on a world that has been taken over by Jem'Hadar-type-killer-eye-eating-apes-from-hell-looking-things called Kromaggs that fly around in really cool "Independence Day" UFO's. Quinn is able to shoot down the UFO with the timer and when he and Arturo enter the ship, they discover the pilot, a really ugly guy, is dead (it seems that he was picking his nose when his ship crashed, and the impact stabbed his finger into his brain). When Arturo steals the Kromagg's mood ring, it sets off the UFO's car alarm sending the sliders scurrying away with a small SWAT team of Kromaggs on their heals. Quinn activates the wormhole, and just before he jumps through he sees that the Kromaggs have sliding technology too! Rather than figure the whole thing out, he slides to "French World" where they face an even greater threat, a smart-ass French waiter. After scarfing down five baskets of croissants, the sliders are shocked when they see the Kromaggs emerge from a wormhole and bear down on them. Before Quinn can shoot them down, the Kromaggs put the sliders to sleep by playing "The Prince of Wails" and lock them up inside of their spaceship where they meet Mary, the Kromagg's human liaison and favored pet. Mary tells them that they are being taken to outpost Earth 113, a Kromagg prison and health spa. While there, the sliders are put in cages and kept separate while the Kromaggs try to determine where the slider's Earth is by bringing Rembrant's dad in, using holographic images of the sliders to quell information from the real sliders, good old fashioned interrogation, and the classic scraping the fingers across the chalkboard trick. Mary takes a liking to Quinn, who is about to be pulped by the Kromaggs, and gives him the key to his cage. Quinn and the others escape back to "French World" vis a Kromagg wormhole and Mary gets shot for her trouble. Later, the Kromaggs give a report that states that one of the sliders have been fitted with a radio transmitter collar and that Mary is alive and was actually working with the Kromaggs to help the sliders escape.

"May your punishment be relatively painless."
-- A mental patient saying good-bye to the sliders after they shoot down 
the Manta ship

"Is this tangible proof of the Kromagg's existence!?"
-- Wade to Arturo after waking up on a Kromagg ship.

"She's supposed to be a monster?  Did the Kromaggs ever look in a mirror?  
Eye eating freaks!"
-- Rembrandt talking about how the Kromaggs see Mary as a monster

"...we will be waiting...  and watching."
-- Kromagg commander after the sliders escape

"As Time Goes By"

The sliders end up in a world where Mexico rules the United States and Canadians are crossing the border illegally to get jobs in the computer industry. Wade, Rembrandt, and Arturo are captured by Kromaggs... uh... I mean, immigration, and Quinn jumps into the Beverly Hillbillies backyard where he meets his old high school fame, Daelin. Daelin treats Quinn's injures in her house and learns from him that. in addition to the sliders, her fiance, Dennis, was arrested by immigration too. Wade, Rembrandt, and Rembrandt are put on trial in the People's Court and are ordered deported to Canada. Quinn tells Daelin about sliding, and offers to take her along if she helps free his friends. Daelin's brother, a member of La Raca Blanca, saves all of the illegal immigrants from the bus-o-deportation, but is double-crossed by none other than Daelin's fiance, Dennis, who turned them all in for citizenship. Daelin's brother is shot, and Quinn is forced to leave her behind so that he and the sliders can escape to the next world. On the next world, which is identical to our Earth except for the fact that San Francisco's football team is called "The Lions" (Yeah, like THAT makes a big difference!). Quinn is still woozy over Daelin, so he looks up her phone number and finds out that on this world she is married to Dennis who is an abusive negligent pain in the ass that Quinn promptly knocks the crap out of. Quinn is ready to take Daelin sliding with him, but quickly changes his mind we she pulls out her rugrat. Quinn then hooks her up with his counterpart in Seattle who is the lead singer for Nirvana. Quinn, his heart filled with joy and goody-two-shoeness, regroups with the sliders and slides right into a jail cell at San Quention where they have been incarcerated for the murder of Daelin. Later, and quite unexpectedly, the sliders are taken to their arraignment, which usually comes before you get sent to jail! Quinn looks over his shoulder and sees that the courtroom clock is running backwards. He then jumps up and declares himself insane and the bailiffs let them go free. You see, on this world, time runs backwards even though all of the people are moving forewords. But you see, the sliders are going foreword while the universe is going backwards so the timestream has to jump like a record to keep going (I don't understand it either. If I think about it too hard, it just gives me a headache). So anyway, the sliders dodge cops for a few hours until the timestream skips a beat again and they aren't wanted for the crime. Quinn and the sliders meet back up at the park where Daelin was killed so they might prevent her untimely demise. Quinn screams a warning to Daelin who shoots the would-be murderer who, in turn, shoots Daelin in the shoulder (which is where all stray bullets in Sliders seem to go). Saving Daelin apparently rips a humongous hole in the sky and causing that universe to self-destruct (figure THAT one out). On the next world, Rembrandt suggests that Quinn looks up Daelin again but (thank God) the episode ends (because if it hadn't, my brain probably would've exploded).

"I am not your brother, for which I thank God and good breeding."
-- Arturo to Dennis when he calls him, "bro"

"I could explain it for hours, it wouldn't make a difference."
-- Quinn talking about the storyline to this episode

"Aw man, I'm so confused!"
-- Rembrandt after watching this episode

Click here to read "The Slightly Skewed Guide to Sliders," Season Tres.