Genesis
Alternate Title: "Excuse Us While We Clean Up FOX's Mess"
 
Quinn and Maggie, after taking a three month sabbatical to recover from the waves of stupidity they were forced to endure while trapped on the FOX network, finally track down Wade and Rembrandt's photon trail back to Earth Prime where they find their home overrun by those wacky little monkeys, the Kromaggs, who have generally made an ungodly mess of the place by instigating death and destruction and by giving Dean Devlin and Roland Emmerich rights to the movie adaptation. (Oh the horror... the horror...)
The twosome make their way to the good old Chandler... (Chandler?) ...Hotel where they are confronted by a gunman named Otis. Maggie, whose IQ level has risen drastically and whose sexual voracity has dropped to normal manages to trick the gunman by telling him that his shoe is untied. She then takes away his gun and demands that he take her to his leader. He cries like Nancy Kerrigan and obeys.
He leads them into the basement where another militaristic sexpot named Marta takes aim at them with a big, big gun. After meowing, growling, and hissing at each other for a half hour, Maggie and Marta comes to an understanding.
Marta reveals that Rembrandt and Wade were taken prisoner by the Kromaggs because they didn't like the third season episodes either. Quinn decides to spring them and Marta and Otis decide to help by taking them to a computer geek named Trevor. On the way there, the Kromaggs make hamburger meat out of Otis which is okay 'cause he was annoying.
Trevor hacks into the Kromagg database and downloads all pertinent information about Remmy and Wade and the next Star Trek movie. Quinn decides to break into the Kromagg prison and set his friends free. Quinn, Maggie, and Marta beat up some garbagemen and steal their uniforms and truck and then make their way to the prison where they kick some more Kromagg can on their way to Rembrandt's cell.
When they find Rembrandt, he is a hollow shell of a man... not because of his time in the prison under Kromagg torture, but because of the last season. While Rembrandt blubbers about being rescued, all Maggie and Quinn can do is question him unrelentlessly about where Wade is and why he shaved off his mustache. Rembrandt tells them that Wade was taken away to a parallel earth and that his mustache was shot by a short English rock singer and that it wanted him to "get them home" whatever that meant.
On the way out, a cute little chickadee catches Quinn's eye and he botches the entire escape attempt. The others get away but thanks to wonderboy's raging hormones, Quinn is captured and none of his friends notice.
As the other sliders escape, Quinn is tortured by the Kromaggs with a VHS copy of Godzilla. Quinn demands to know were Wade is and he is told that Wade's in a breeding camp on a parallel Earth trying... uh... "new things" and stuff. Quinn then demands to know why the Kromaggs look different and where Mary is at. The Kromaggs tell him to shut up before they make him watch Mortal Kombat Annihilation.
Maggie, in the meantime, shows Rembrandt compassion and understanding - two skills she's developed during the year-long hiatus - before they and Marta's forces take off to the prison to idiotically try to rescue Quinn.
Quinn, in the meantime is reunited with his mom who tells him that she's not his mom at all. She then cuts her arm open and pulls out this microdot thingie.
"Put this on your head," she tells him.
"No way!" he exclaims looking at the bloody microdot dripping with sinew.
"Dammit, boy!" his mom yells. "This tells you all sorts of important stuff about the new continuity arch! You're real mom and dad are from a parallel earth and you're adopted. When they came back for you, you were filming Stand By Me and they left without you!"
"She-yeah!" Quinn mumbles.
Just then, a large explosion rocks the compound when Maggie and Marta switch into "Patton-mode" and begin invading the prison. The guards take Quinn away to a transport where he is rescued by the human troops. Rembrandt hits him for getting captured in the first place and Marta is shot for not good reason but for getting shot so that Maggie can display more of that compassion stuff.
Back at the Chandler, Quinn cleans off that microdot thingie and presses it to his forehead. He gets a message from his real parents who reveal to them that their homeworld is got invaded by the Kromaggs and they dropped he and his brother - yes, you heard me... his brother - on parallel worlds so they could be safe. They also tell him that they were working on a weapon to defeat the Kromaggs and that his real name is Ka-el and his home planet is named Krypton. Based on the fact that his parents came back for him, Quinn assumes that the weapon was successful and decides to continue sliding to find his long lost brother... and Wade too if they have any spare time. Maggie and Rembrandt, who have nothing else to do otherwise, decide to tag along.


Best Lines:

"If you guys are going to shoot each other, why don't you just let Otis and I get out of the way?"

- Quinn to Maggie and Marta during their little catfight.


"Marry me. Be my love monkey."

- Trevor to Maggie


"Live long and thump butt"

- Trevor making the Vulcan hand signal.

Profits and Loss
Alternate Title: "God, It Smells Like Burned Chicken in Here!"
 

On a parallel world, Quinn, Maggie, and Rembrandt decide to drop in on some weird religious ceremony for no good reason at all. There, they witness a bunch of people with stupid grins plastered on their faces get sent to what the head evangelist calls, "the new world" - a place free of pain, disease, and Pauly Shore - via what looks like a wormhole inside a booth.
Quinn decides to steal their technology and use it for whatever selfish whim he chooses. Rembrandt warns him that he shouldn't violate the prime directive and Maggie reminds him that they're not on Star Trek.
So they break in and discover that the sliding booth is actually nothing more than an easy-bake oven to the Nth degree. In other words, it's an incinerator and everyone who goes in comes out a handful of ashes... kinda like a typical Texas summer. Naturally, all three are captured and questioned by the two top Oracles, pretty boy Gareth and old codger Cadmus, and subsequently thrown in the pokey without the timer.
Maggie is visited by welcomer wannabe, Jane, who helps her show more of that compassion stuff.
The next day, the sliders are sprung by the rad-rat movement - a group of people who really really hate the oracle - and taken to their secret rebel base where they meet a guy named Samson who has an affinity for quoting the greats. He tells them that the rad rats know that they are sliders and that the rats have an informant in the office of the oracle. Samson agrees to help them get the timer back in exchange for everything the sliders know about science... it takes Rembrandt about three or four minutes to tell all he knows.
The rad rats break back into the Oracle offices and (surprise surprise) get captured yet again. The two Oracles decide to send them to that "next world" via the easy bake oven of destruction and death.
At the ceremony, Jane is the first to get turned into a crispy critter as the horrified sliders - and the slightly bored Maggie - looks on. When they are shoved into the booth, Cadmus shoves the timer into Quinn's hands and winks and blows kisses at him - he's the rad rat spy! Right before they are made into a flaky white substance that, more than likely, would be inhaled by either the Dallas Cowboys or Washington D.C. mayor Marion Barry, Quinn activates the timer and they, along with Samson, slide to safety.
Using the tracker, they slide back and scare the piddle out of the audience in the sanctuary. Samson says a lot of poignant and confusing stuff and because half of the people in the cathedral have no idea what the hell he's talking about, they assume he's right. As the wheels of revolution begin to roll, Quinn, Maggie, and Rembrandt make a hasty departure before they're run over by them.


Best lines:

"That guy looks like Newt Gingrich."

- Quinn when he sees a picture of the Head Oracle.


"I would never surrender my will to some self-righteous guy who says he's got the answers to everything!"
"Does that mean we have no future together?"

- Maggie and Quinn


"The dark ages dungeon ride... there's new music by John Tesh."

- Gareth talking about a ride at "Oracle World".


Common Ground
Alternate Title: "Wade Who?"
 
No sooner do the sliders arrive on a new world, stuff starts blowing up left and right. They run to safety like Dan Rather runs to Monica Lewinski and, in the process, rescues some guy who gets hit. In the safety of a bunker, they discover that the guy they saved is a Kromagg.
"Aw, not these guys again!" Maggie whines as they are (once again) captured.
They are taken to a cell and Maggie is tortured for acting like such a raving slut during the last season.
"But I wasn't writing the scripts!" Maggie screams.
"She's right!" Quinn says. "It was a room full of monkeys!"
Remmy nods. "We checked."
Before the torture continues, the Kromagg that the sliders rescued walks in and bitch-slaps the Kromagg torturer. He tells the sliders that he is in debt to all of them and that they will be treated well as long as they don't give him no back talk. He also tells them that he knows that they are sliders. Quinn asks how he knows and the Kromagg Kommander says that it's his favorite show... well, that and Suddenly Susan.
"Oh, so you're the one keeping that show on the air!" Quinn growls.
The Kromagg Kommander sends the sliders to their rooms without any supper and the Kommander's Commanders tell him that he is not to detain the sliders so that they can use Quinn to re-conquer the homeworld (Oops!).
Maggie and Quinn are wandering around when the Kromagg Kommander walks by and hears a story about how Maggie's grandpappy was blown to kingdom come in a war. The Kommander is entranced and hopes to score so he invites Maggie to the local KFC (Kromagg Fried Chicken) so he can hear more or her tale.
Rembrandt, in the meantime, wanders into a highly classified area and finds a bunch of humans that the Kromaggs have been experimenting on by making them eat pop rocks and Dr. Pepper at the same time while watching Sci-Fi Channel re-runs of Wonder Woman and second season episodes of seaQuest.
"Good God! This is inhumane!" Remmy says in horror.
He also meets a little girl named Penny who looks a little like Wade.
"Wade Who?" asks Quinn when Rembrandt tells him about everything I just told you about.
Rembrandt takes Quinn by the hand and leads him to the lab where they are (yawn) caught by the Kommander's prepubescent toadie who finally decides to punch Quinn and let both of them go.
The Kromagg Kommander, in the meantime, was very disappointed to discover that Maggie is nowhere near as slutty as she was in the last season and while he pouts about his not being able to get any, she takes the opportunity to steal his nipple ring which she intends to use later to break into his office and get caught... I mean, steal the timer.
The sliders meet again and come up with a game plan. Remmy and Quinny will go break all of the human test subjects out of the lab of horrors and Maggie will go and get the timer from the Kommander.
However their plan, as their plans are often apt to do, goes awry and Quinn and Rembrandt find out that the test subjects have been taken to a place where they will be vaporized by a death ray made by Hasbro.
...and Maggie is (you guessed it) captured by the Kromagg Kommander.
Guess what happens to Quinn and Rembradt!
YES!!! They're captured too!
The Kommander locks the sliders up in a cell and tells them he is very, very disappointed in them and that they all need a time out. Maggie tells him to get bent and the Kommander storms off to get a bar of soap so he can wash her mouth out. After he leaves, Penny (the chick that looks like Wade) plops out of an air vent and frees the sliders.
Rembrandt tells Quinn that they have to destroy the Kromagg's death ray and - without any real plan - they all wander into the test area. Quinn fiddles with the gun for a few minutes before they are, once again, captured by the Kommander who has a change of heart and gives them back the timer telling them that they really didn't escape from Earth 113 - The Kromaggs let them go. This devastates Quinn 'cause he's been bragging about that one for two years now.
Just then, the toadie shows up and shoots the Kommander and starts up the death ray saying that he's taking over everything! He puts the sliders in front of the death ray and presses the fire button. When he does, the Kromaggs are blown to pieces.
Quinn says that while he was fiddling with the gun, he pressed the 'Kill Kromaggs and Not Humans" button.
They leave the Wade Wannabe behind and slide on leaving the people of that world wondering what the fine pink ash is falling all over the city.


Best Lines:

"We missed King Kalihana's pagan fertility feast for this?"

- Rembrandt


"That's why you're not on the guest list."

- Quinn to Rembrandt when he says he wants to take a steak knife to the Kromagg Kommander at dinner.

Virtual Slide
Alternate Title: "The Wrath of Kreig"
 

The sliders land on a new world, get caught in an explosion and all die.... the end.
Oh, all right... all right....
Maggie wakes up in a waiting room and meets Ben Kreig from seaQuest DSV who tells them that they've all landed back on Earth Prime and that they have beaten the Kromaggs and driven them off making them take Chevy Chase and Pauly Shore with them.
"So," Quinn says with a grin, "sliding did make the world a better place."
Kreig starts reminiscing about the old days on seaQuest when he and Piccalo used to be bunkmates and used to pull Lucas's pants down to his ankles on the bridge.
Maggie suddenly jumps to her feet. "Wait just a f*cking minute!" she exclaims. "Kreig and Piccalo were never on the show at the same time! This is all a trick! A dirty trick!"
Suddenly, reality dissolves and she finds herself in a hospital bed with Ben Kreig staring down at her telling her that she has been undergoing Virtual Reality therapy after she and the other sliders got blown up. The VR therapy stimulates pleasant thoughts (and in Quinn's case, other things) and helps in healing.
Quinn and Rembrandt get woken up and Maggie reveals to them that they've missed the sliding window while they were in sweepy-weepy land and that they'll have to wait twenty-nine years for the next window.
Quinn refuses to let the series end with another 38 episodes starring Ben Kreig, so he sets out to invent another timer. Kreig says that Captain Bridger and the seaQuest will do everything they can to help.
So, to help, Kreig puts the sliders in a substandard motel with a large computer left over from the largely unsuccessful Mission: Genesis series.
Quinn suffers a metal breakdown and doesn't remember how to build a sliding machine. He grabs Maggie and shakes her violently demanding to know anything she might know about quantum thermal dynamics and advanced sub-nuclear induction. Fortunately, this is fourth season Maggie we're talking about and not third season Maggie so she does manage to come up with something to help. "Hey Mickey, you're so fine... You're so fine you blow my mind!" she sings. (Hey, I didn't say it was a good thing!)
They decide to ask their resident expert in music to see if he can shed any light on Maggie's little song so Maggie gets into the VR fantasy Rembrandt was running and drags him out kicking and screaming.
Upon entering the real world, Maggie discovers that Quinn's started playing in VR world as well so she jumps into his fantasy as well and discovers Quinn doing the horizontal bop with third season Maggie.
"How dare you resurrect that harlot!?" she yells at him grabbing him by the ear and hauling him back to the real world. She then takes every virtual reality helmet and smashes them onto the ground. "Now, if you don't get back to work, I'm going to sing again!" She then launched into a full version of 'Hey Mickey, You're So Fine".
"Ahhhhhhh!" Remmy screams with his hands over his ears. "That song's so annoying I feel like smashing my face in!"
"That's it!" Quinn suddenly exclaims. "S-M-A-S-H F-A-C-E! That's the code for unlocking the secret to sliding!"
"How?" Maggie asked.
Quinn shrugged. "It just is, okay?"
"Oh my god, you're so hot!" Maggie says in a breathy voice.
Quinn ripped his shirt off. "Kiss me, Maggie!"
Maggie leaned foreword and then stopped. "Wait a minute," she says. "This isn't the third season anymore! This is another trick! Another stinking trick!"
Reality dissolved again and Maggie found herself being hoisted to her feet by Quinn and Rembrandt who tell her that everything she's experienced in this episode, with the exception of getting blown up at the beginning, was all a computer generated fantasy and they haven't missed the window at all. Kreig was just using her to get the secret to creating a timer. Kreig has also stolen the timer and stashed it next to Darwin's vo-corder and it's up to the sliders to get it back.
Quinn hacks into the VR mainframe and sends a tape of "Stoker" to all of the workers in Kreig's lab who fall asleep instantly by watching just a few seconds of an extremely boring and stupid story. The sliders use the diversion to sneak in and steal the timer back from Kreig. Maggie forgets how to use an eraser, so she decides to shoot the sliding equation off of the blackboard with an AK-47.
Bridger shows up and demands to know what's going on. Kreig doesn't give him a satisfactory answer so Bridger beats him up and feeds him to Darwin.
"Mmmmmm," Darwin's mechanical voice drones. "Tastes like chicken!"


Best Lines...

"Man, I don't even want to know what he thinks he's doing!"

- Rembrandt upon seeing a man wearing a VR helmet inserting a large hose into a manhole.


"Testosterone can do crazy things to your mind."

- Maggie to Quinn (ain't it the truth?)


"Well, if you didn't put a slug through the VR mainframe, Annie Oakley..."

- Quinn commenting on Maggie's inability to grasp the concept of an eraser.


Worldkiller
Alternate Title: "The Omega Quinn"
 
The trio slides to a new world where nobody is home. Quinn is attacked by four hundred rabid Chihuahuas that keep repeating Yo queiro Taco Bell or Yo quiero cojer tú pierna! Maggie gets angry and growls at them and the dogs all run away screaming El diablo! El diablo!
Quinn takes her and Rembrandt to his home where they find Quinn's hippie-esque counterpart who claims to be the one responsible for that world's population disappearing.
"Why'd you do it!?" Rembrandt asks him.
Hippie Quinn shrugs. "I wanted to be the first in line for The Phantom Menace!"
Quinn and Hippie Quinn construct a bigger, better sliding device to track down and slide everyone back to hippie Quinn's world.
The group slides and find themselves in the basement of a nunnery where they are met by Whoopie Goldburg in nun garb holding an AK-47 at them. "Back off, suckas!" she warns.
"Do as she says," another Whoopie Goldburg tells them.
Both Whoopie Goldburgs explain that three years ago, the world's population went from five billion to ten billion. Normally, that wouldn't be so bad... but on this world there are two Pauly Shores and, worst of all... two Whoopie Goldburgs!
Deciding to save the world from Sister Act 3 the two Quinns, Maggie, Rembrandt, and some gangster guy named Rrrrrrrrroberto venture off to the power plant to get enough juice to slide everyone to where they need to be. Only problem is, after deregulation, the power plants became fortresses controlled by evil kings, gangsters, and republicans.
Five minutes after skillfully entering the power plant, Rrrrrrrrroberto, Quinn, Quinn, Maggie, and Rembrandt get captured (shock!) and get taken to the big, bad, boss - Boss Hogg who laments for three hours about them "dern Duke boys". He them chokes on a piece of chicken, falls over and breaks a hip, and then dies.
Quinn and the others go down and connect up the super-sliding device and mass-slide everyone to where they are supposed to be, but not before Hippie Quinn gives them the coordinates to Quinn's brother's world.
"Hasta la vista, sliders", the chihuahuas tearfully say.


Best Lines:

"We're all shipwrecked in one way or another, but at least we're all floating on the same piece of driftwood."

- Rembrandt


"What's a matter Quinn, got device envy?"

- Maggie


"Because I care to send the very best."

- Rembrandt after punching out the boss (who used to write greeting cards).

Oh, Brother! Where Art Thou?
Alternate Title: "Charlie and the Corpse-cicle Factory"
 

The sliders are dumped out onto Quinn's brother's world having magically showered and changed clothes in the wormhole (what sort of kinky things go on in that tunnel anyways?) and see a large hangglider fly overhead and crash into a tree and explode in a giant fireball. Then, some guy staggers out of the inferno and coughs out a puff of black smoke.
Then, a bunch of villagers show up with torches and pitchforks and prepares to lynch the Super-Dave wannabe. Quinn and the others join in until a sheriff shows up and breaks up the mob. "You leave Colin Mallory alone, ya hear!?"
Quinn is shocked. "You're Colin Mallory!? Oh goody! You're my brother!"
Colin smiles stupidly. "I'm only thwee and a half years old!"
Colin takes the sliders to town where they meet the lovely Suzanna who makes a bunch of lurid and subtle advances on Colin who just sits there blinking cluelessly. Then, Suzanna's mother shows up and shoos Colin away with a broom. "Scat! Scat!" she says! "Colin Mallory is the devil!"
"Hey Maggie," Quinn grins, "looks like someone stole your title!"
Maggie kicks him in the nuts.
At Colins house, Quinn's brother shows them a bunch of outdated inventions like homemade batteries, a betamax, and a DIVX player. Quinn gets tired and trashes the place looking for another microdot like the one that gave Quinn the message about being from another planet. "What are you doing!?" Colin asks.
"Looking for a microdot!" Quinn says stomping several expensive vases.
Colin pulls a microdot from his pocket. "You mean this thing? I've been using it as a bottle opener!"
Quinn takes the dot and smacks it to Colin's forehead who learns of his heritage. "That was neat-o!" Colin says jumping up and down and clapping his hands together. "Again! Again!"
"No... No time! Simmer down there, boy!" Quinn says looking at the timer. "We have to slide. We want you to come with us."
"I can't leave my homeworld! What about that nice Suzanna girl who gives me a happy feeling down there!?" Colin says. "What about my home!?"
Maggie looks around Colin's trashed home. "You really wanna clean up this ungodly mess?"
Colin slides with the group...
...and into a brave new world with all sorts of gadgets and gizmos that frighten and intrigue the little guy. As Quinn makes eyes with a hottie at the bar, Colin is whisked away by the counterpart of his Suzanne who takes him to a cryogenic warehouse and tells him to steal her beloved old frozen uncle-cicle. Colin grins stupidly and agrees. "You're purdy," he smiles.
Meanwhile, the other sliders are interviewed by a cop who wants to know why they don't use Visa because, after all... it's everywhere you want to be.
Colin, in the meantime, is whisked away to Suzanne and her evil mother's house where they lock him in the closet where he stares into the dark and blinks vacantly.
Quinn and the other follow the pungent stench of stupidity that leads them right to Colin where they release Quinn's bumbling brother but not before Suzanne and her evil mother show up and hold them at gunpoint saying that the only reason they needed Colin was so that he could get past the intelligence-detecting alarms in the cryo-bank.
Suddenly, the cop busts through the window with a hearty, "HI! Do you know me!?" and saves the day. Suzanne and her mother are carted off to the pokey, the cop discovers that the frozen body that Colin stole was actually the remains of Walt Disney, and Colin is given a new wardrobe as a consolation prize.


Best lines:

"Great. We're about to get beat up by the cast of Witness!"
- Quinn

"We're from Canada."
- The infamous one-liner starts

"...so I fried a few chickens."
- Colin recounting his electricity experiments.

"Are you some kind of science experiment that blew up?"
- Suzanna to Colin. Honey, we all wondered that too.

Just Say Yes
Alternate Title: "Drugs are Good, M'kay?"

        Okay, it's like this... the sliders land on a world where drug use is accepted and promoted, right?  Well, anyway... Maggie is being a total bitch and Colin is being a total dunderhead and they both get a syringe full of happy juice making them even more drug induced that they usually appear to be.  In fact, Maggie is so high and ditzey that one of her implants explode and she is rushed to a hospital for emergency breast enlargements.
        After stuffing her full of silicone, Maggie and Colin are taken to a suburban home.  The kind of place that put the "bore" in "Neighborhood."  There they are set up as husband and wife which makes Colin very happy because at long last, he actually has a chance of getting some.
        Meanwhile, Quinn and Rembrant piss off a black guy who decides to smack them bitches up.  Quinn and Rembrant run around screaming like little man-boys for a while until Captain Kirk constructs a primitive bazooka using a log and some rocks and brings Puff Daddy down.
        Maggie and Colin are both detoxed and decide that Nacy Regan was full of shit.

Best Lines:

"That's a little needle.  How clever!"
- Colin after getting shot with happy juice.

"How do you feel?  And please don't say hungry."
- Quinn to a sobered Colin.

"Where's the Beaver?"
- Quinn.  This line is soooooo wrong in soooo many ways.

The Alternatville Horror
Alternate Title: "Charlie the Freindly Ghost"

        The sliders check into the Chandler hotel and Colin sees dead people.  Of course, no one believes him attributing his vision to exhaustion and the fact that he's a moron.  Of course, after the moans, chains clattering, severed heads, and blood dripping for the walls, the sliders become convinced that something may be a little amiss.
        A little while later, a mysterious man checks into the hotel and (Shock!  Surprise!  Gasp!  No!) the timer is stolen!  Of course Maggie suspects the mysterious stranger and shoves her foot up his ass in retaliation.  The stranger says that he's looking for ghosts and has been ever since contact with the first malevolent entity that called him a "blistering idiot".
        It isn't long until Colin is killed by a dangling plotline and becomes trapped in the spirit realm where he meets the ghosts (who are actually sliders from a parallel world... I don't understand it either) and communicates to Quinn and the others that they all have to be rescued.
        There is a serious discussion about whether or not they should actually waste their time rescuing Colin, but then they discover that Colin was holding all the credit cards and without them, they're all screwed.
        So, with the help of a priest, a containment unit, a Ouija board, and several bottles of Kaluha Mudslide, everyone is saved except for the viewers who have all died of boredom during this poor excuse of a poor excuse for an hour of television.

Best lines:

"What kind of an idiot checks into a hotel with the alias of 'John Smith'?"
"I realize that it is not a very common name, but that is no reason to be insulting."
- Maggie and John Smith

"I see dead people."
- Colin

"They're heeeeeeeeere."
- Maggie

"Hey, they didn't say that crap!"
- You

Slidecage
Alternate Title: "So, Something Good Did Come Out of the Timecop Series!"

        Quinn and Colin the idiot boy discover a way to get back to their home earth only instead of going there, the sliders accidentally end up in a cage for sliders which they effectivly dub, the "Slidecage".  It turns out that Quinn and Colin's father built the slidecage to protect his homeworld from the threat that, "...my two idiot sons ever figure out how to get home."
        Well, everything's fine and all until the sliders discover that on top of being on the set of Timecop, the short-lived and excessivly bad television series (not to be confused with the short and excessivly bad movie), the slidecage is populated by other sliders, Kromaggs, and bears (oh my!).  Well, things get ugly and Rembrant is captured buy the maggs and Maggie, Quinn, and dork-boy are taken in by the humans.
        The human leader recognizes Maggie from Anaconda and throws her sorry butt outside into the toxic atmosphere.   Thankfully, Maggie's brain never used that much oxygen to begin with and she is rescued by some fat fanboy with a penchant for enormous boobies.
        Rembrandt is tortured by Kolitar, the head Kromagg while his son videotapes the whole thing for shocking news footage on Hard Copy.  Maggie is sexually harassed (and she likes it!).  Quinn and Colin figure out how to escape the slidecage.  I'm pretty sure the timer was probably stolen somewhere in this story too.
        Anyway, to make a long story short, the humans and Kromaggs must declare peace before they can leave the slidecage.  Kolitar's son turns out to be an adopted human (Who didn't see that coming?).  Rembrandt tries to kill Quinn for giving us another valuim-induced performance by mail, and everyone escapes the slidecage and lives happily ever after.
        Me, I got drunk after this episode and passed out in the middle of the street.

Best Lines:

"Why does everybody expect me to have all the answers?"
- Quinn

"Because you're an asshole."
- Colin.

Asylum
Alternate Title: "The Brittish are Coming! The Brittish are Coming! And Man, Are They Pissed!"
 

After a disastrous encounter with a Valuejet, the sliders barely make it to the next parallel world but not before Quinn gets his head caved in by a rouge airline pillow. Colin runs into town to the nearest hospital and when he asks for help, the local physician, Dr. Venom, tells him he should try acting classes. Colin explains that he's not the one who needs help but Dr. Venom still argues that he needs all the help he can get. By the time Colin and Dr. Venom stop arguing about who is the worse actor, Maggie and Rembrandt walk in carrying Quinn like a rag doll.
Dr. Venom explains that Quinn is suffering from drain bammage and that if he isn't fixed, he'll become a drooling idiot capable of nothing except maybe a career as a FOX network executive.
Rembrandt, in the meantime, gets a really bad hernia from carrying Quinn and when Dr. Vemon treats him, they become infatuated with each other.
Maggie and Colin decide to go barhopping and while doing that, they discover that the world they're on just suffered an attack by the Kromaggs that has left it without natural resources, gas, and oil. It's also turned the population of the world into card carrying members of the NRA... (You know why Charlton Heston got elected president of the NRA? They wanted someone as old and antiquated as their point of view!!! Okay, no more of my political viewpoints from this point on or until I decide to put another one in.)
...oh, Remmy and Dr. Venom get a date by the way.
Maggie and Colin rack their brains to come up with a way to save Quinn from a lifetime of vegetation. When that doesn't work, they ask Rembrandt. When he can't come up with anything either, they ask Quinn. Quinn tells them he's supposed to be in a coma and can't help them anyway.
Rembrandt decides to try to get Dr. Venom to help Quinn. Maggie decides to go enlist the help of some guy she just met in a bar named Ringo who claims to be in the medical business. Colin decides to spin around in a circle until he gets dizzy and falls down. Quinn decides to stay in a coma.
So, everyone sets out on their appropriate task and accomplishes nothing major... well, except Quinn does manage to remain a vegetable. And, I suppose Colin might have passed out... oh, and Rembrandt gets a little lovin'. (Does this make sense to you? Out of all of the sliders, past and present, Rembrandt is the only one who ever gets any!)
When Maggie and Ringo's date wraps up, Maggie discovers several pictures in Ringo's underwear drawer (what was she doing digging in his underwear drawer?) I dunno. When she confronts Ringo about it, he reveals that Remmy's little peice of nookie actually colaborated with the Kromaggs during the war and that she's a wanted criminal back in Brittan. Maggie listens to him but isn't totally trusting since her record with arrogant English men isn't very good.
Rembrandt tells Dr. Venom that they're sliders (smooth move, Remmy) and of course, Venom wants to go with them (the witch!). However, she also tells him that she knows a mind trick that would heal Quinn and make him right as rain. The good old reset button rears it's ugly but ever convenient head again.
But before they can press that ever convenient yet ugly button, the British jumps into action and kidnaps Dr. Venom. When Rembrandt goes to whine to Maggie and Colin, they explain to him about who and what Dr. Venom is and what she did. Rembrandt tells them about the super-duper healing technique that Venom knows and they all grab a gun and head out to the airport to intercept Ringo before he can fly Dr. Venom to Britain to stand trial.
Maggie mows all of the Brits down with a machine gun and draggs Dr. Venom back to the hospital where she forces her to use that Kromagg mind healing thingie on Quinn.
"You didn't do an episode without me, did you?" Quinn asks after he wakes up.
"Uh...," Maggie stammers. "No."
Some more Brits show up and take Dr. Venom away. Rembrandt is depressed because he probably won't have sex for another two or three slides. Colin isn't sad because he hasn't been told what sex is yet.


Best Lines...

"I think it means that the same God is in all of these worlds."

- Rembrandt commenting on the fact that on every parallel world, Cop Rock is still cancelled.


"It's a long story and it doesn't have a happy ending."

- Colin, when asked to sum up his thoughts on Titanic


California Reich
Alternate Title: "Vote Buchanan!"

The following summary was generously donated by Lynne Thompson. If it stinks, blame her.

A guy gets knocked down by Neo-Nazi bullies into a filthy gutter and wallows there, whining pathetically. A truck runs over him. The bullies run away.
The Sliders arrive close by, just afterwards. Rembrandt spots a toy dinosaur keyboard in a store window and starts feeling homesick for his glorious musical career. Just then another truck stops and people jump out, grab Remmy and kidnap him to get free autographs.
The sliders steal another vehicle and give chase, only to be cut off in an alley by an extraordinarily clean-looking garbage truck manned by a zombie wearing a hockey mask.
"Is this the set for Halloween H20?" Quinn asks, confused.
Remmy gets dumped in a prison filled with other celebrities who wouldn't give out free autographs. He starts whining at Sammy Davis Jr., who gets disgusted and walks away.
The other Sliders wander down to the Chandler Hotel and get chased by an insistent voter registration volunteer who wants them to sign up as Republicans. They escape into the Chandler only to wind up in the middle of a domestic fight between a bratty kid and his pesky mother.
"I'm eighteen and I can do whatever I want!" The kid yells. Then he turns to Quinn and kicks him in the nuts.
Meanwhile, Remmy follows Sammy D. around and whines until S.D. screams at him to stop. Remmy gets dragged away by the military police. He tries to run away but gets tazed and beaten up.
"Hey, you must have mistaken me for Rodney King!" He whines as he wallows on the ground, dirt stuck to his face.
He gets thrown back into the pokey and wishes he had Perrier to drink. Sammy Davis comes back and fights with Remmy some more. Then they become pals.
Meanwhile, the mouthy kid (whose name is Kurt, I mean, Kirk) goes to a Neo-Nazi party. The Sliders show up there and a bunch of bullies kick Quinn's ass. The kid's mom shows up and tries to stop them. Of course, her ass gets kicked, too. The kid is sorry he mouthed off at her and cries. When he finds out she wasn't exactly a WASP princess, he cries harder. The Sliders and the kid steal an ambulance and run away from the police.
Remmy and Sammy D. dig through a pile of used clothing and Remmy gets upset because there aren't any designer suits. The Crying Man runs outside and promptly gets in trouble for hanging onto the chain-link fence and making it sag worse.
Meanwhile, the other Sliders and Kirk sneak into the Nazi prison facility where Remmy is being held and kick the guards' asses. They break Remmy out and go to find the kid's mom. They discover that she was assimilated by the Borg. Kirk cries some more. They kidnap her and miraculously escape in a hail of gunfire.
They go back to the Chandler, where the kid, still crying, renounces Neo-Nazism. He decides to try to kill the Fascist Governor at a political rally and runs away from the Chandler.
The Sliders go to the political rally to find Kirk. Quinn gets his ass kicked again by the same bunch of bullies. The kid runs away again. The Sliders hold some of the political staff hostage and run an outdoor film of Rembrandt performing on-stage. The crowd boos.
Gillette, I mean, Governor Schick, panics and runs away. The Sliders slide, taking Kirk and his Borg mom with them. Our heroes arrive on HMO world and dump Kirk and his mom there without even checking to see if it's habitable, first.


Best Lines...

"There are some things that are just so... evil, that you can't believe a human being is capable of doing them."
– Rembrandt, to Harold.

The Dying Fields
Alternate Title: "Those Killer Kromagg Kids Kick some Kan!"

       The sliders slide right into the middle of a Kromagg training ground where Human/Kromagg hybrids are training to become highly efficient killing machines by hunting humans and are determined to look their damn sexiest doing it.  Where'd they get these guys?  Extras from Baywatch?
        The sliders make their way to a human base camp and relative safety, but decide to screw things up by actually going back to the Kromagg camp.  Colin is captured and the sliders cause the death of an innocent young girl.  Do they loose any sleep over it?  Noooooooo.
        Colin is taken in by the Kromaggs, beaten, whipped, tortured, and raped repeatedly.  At the end, even the Kromaggs get tired of him and ask him to leave.  He rejoins the other sliders who are happy to see that he got out of the mess they got him into and ask if he brought them anything.

Best lines:

"Get in my Belly!"
- Fat Bastard

Lipshitz, Live!
Alternate Title: "Lip-Shits, Live! (Sorry, it was too easy.)"

        Quinn exits the wormhole and finds out that he is alone.  His ego kicks into overdrive and he begins to think that he's finally lost the dead weight of the supporting cast and now the entire show can be all Jerry O'Connell all the time.  He goes on a talk show called Lipshitz Live to promote the newly renamed show  Jerry O'Connell Presents a Jerry O'Connell Production of Sliders Starring Jerry O'Connell.
        Meanwhile, the dopey Colin is mistaken for a slightly less dopey counterpart and laughter and giggles follow as the two Colins try to sort things out.  Once again, Colin the Idiot Boy comes close to actually getting some, but has to settle for stuffing ice cubes down his pants again.
        Maggie, Rembrandt, and Colin have to go to the talk show and do battle with Jerry O'Connell's ego which has manifested itself in the form of a mutant Walrus.  After throwing copies of Joe's Apartment, Mission to Mars, and Body Shots (featuring a shot of his ugly hairy ass - no joke, it really is hairy!  Not that I was looking or anything, but you just can't ignore something that fuzzy!) at the ego, it decides it really doesn't have much to be proud of and that Jerry O'Connell has had only a marginally successful career at best.
        Quinn pouts for an hour and then slides.

Best Lines:

"Somehow, this has to be Quinn's fault."
- Maggie.

"Somehow, this has to be Peckinpah's fault."
- Me.

Mother and Child
Alternate Title: "The Magnificent Bastard"

        On yet another occupied affilate of the Kromagg Dynasty, the sliders find some dumb bitch carrying a small child with her.  It turns out that she's an escaped breeder from a breeding camp where the Kromaggs do the humpty-hump with all sorts of trolups from thousands of parallel Earths.
        The slider figure out how to slide her home (oh sure.. for her it's easy, for them it's impossible!) and once there, they meet her papa who is furious at his daughter for getting raped and knocked up and not wanting to kill her child.  Of course, there's lots of character moments since this is a money saving show, and it all ends with the Kromagg papa coming in with a giant child support check and the promise that he'll keep in touch.

Best Lines

"Why do I always have to come up with the good idea?!"
- Quinn.

"Because you're a dickhead."
- Rembrandt

Slide by Wire
Alternate Title: "Maggie and Her Amazing Implants."

        In this episode, we get two... two... two Maggies for the price of one.  Basically, one is the season three slutty and stupid Maggie while the other is the season four compassionate polar opposite Maggie.  Anyway, I didn't see this episode all the way through so I'll assume that there was a lot of hot sex and titty rubbing, Colin acted like a total moron, Quinn was an asshole, and Rembrandt was the only one I didn't want to see shot.  I'm also assuming for some reason that there was a monkey in this episode that was naughty and had to be spanked.

Best Lines:

"Colin!  Stop spanking your monkey!"
- Rembrandt

"Every monkey dies.  Not every monkey truly lives."
- Quinn

"Get your hands off of me you damned dirty monkey!"
- Maggie

"We are all conneceted in the great circle of monkies."
- Mufasa

"Monkies are funny."
- Colin

"Hey, hey we're the monkeys!"
- a bunch of Kromaggs, probably.

"I did not have sexual realations with that monkey!"
- Bill Clinton

"Oooo Oooo Ahhhh Ahhhh!"
- The Monkey

Data World
Alternate Title: "Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz"

This review was so generously dontated by Lynne Thompson. If it stinks, she couldn't help it.
 

The Sliders land on an earth in which all the citizens' minds have been digitized, leaving their empty bodies to wander mindlessly around. Sort of like Maggie on a smart day. It looks rather like they have landed on 'Night Of The Living Dead' world.
The group goes into the Chandler Hotel, and suddenly a group of 'empties', which look exactly like our Sliders, sit up suddenly, staring blankly just like the pod people from 'Invasion Of The Body Snatchers'.
The group heads first to the bar to get good and bombed. The weird little weasely bartender tells them most emphatically not to sing 'Ninety-nine Bottles Of Beer On The Wall' because his boss is sick to death of hearing it and kills anyone who tries to. Remmy laughs at him and sings it anyway. He gets choked to death by Darth Vader who is sitting at the far end of the bar and who is also sick of hearing it.
Quinn spots a weird little dwarf dressed like a gypsy lurking behind a potted plant doing naughty things. Then he disappears. The dwarf, not Quinn. Quinn tells the other Sliders what he saw and they laugh their insides out at him. "Ooo, Quinn, watch out or the Boogie Man's gonna getcha," Remmy ridicules him, still snickering. Quinn runs up to the hotel rooftop to cry.
Eventually he uncurls from his fetal position and uses a pair of binoculars to search for his mindless zombie self from the rooftop. Quinn's empty shell just happens to be trundling by at that moment. Quinn watches as the empty Quinn smacks into another zombie, bounces into a car and falls off the curb. It gets back up and slips on a banana peel, then lands headfirst into a filthy garbage can nearby. It breaks free of the can and wanders off with wet spaghetti noodles and a popsicle stick stuck to its face. Quinn goes back to join his friends and they meet the Mr. Chandler who started the whole mess. He tells them he also owns Motel 6 and they can't escape him. He then challenges Quinn to a chess game. "Don't mess with the master," warns Quinn, just before he loses the first round of chess by his second move. He runs away blubbering and red-faced with shame, his friends right behind him.
Quinn and the other Sliders go with the dwarf to his junk-filled hideout in the hotel. In the meantime, mean old Mr. Chandler has deleted Maggie and they search for her in the dwarf's crash pad. They find her and bring her back.
Mean old Mr. Chandler tells two of his brown-nosing employees to find and dispose of the Sliders. He turns them into rejects from a 'Conan the Barbarian' ripoff movie. They hunt down the Sliders and Colin suddenly displays an amazing talent for karate and then fencing, which he uses to defeat the steroid-pumped Arnold wannabe. Then it's Maggie's turn to take on Pippi Longstocking. She develops the strength of ten (Maggie not Pippi) ans swings her adversary round and round on the end of a jumprope, finally chucking her into a wall. Free of their pursuers, the Sliders and the dwarf search madly for a lockout code on the dwarf's itty-bitty laptop pc to keep mean old Mr. Chandler from forever imprisoning them in the data world.
They succeed and after deleting mean old Mr. Chandler, return to their empty bodies. The Sliders wake up piled in a heap on a bus stop bench. Maggie's carcass is on the very bottom, proving that even empty shells have wild mindless bouts of testosterone. Since Mr. Chandler is gone and the spell is broken, all the other empty people wake up restored to their former selves, young and beautiful again no matter how decayed and dead they looked before.

 

 

Best lines...
Okay, so it's not a line but the whole Maggie: Warrior Princess fight was great... the only thing great in this gag-fest of an episode.

"What is this, a Michael Jackson video?"
– Rembrandt.

"What is this, 'Scream 3'?"
– Rembrandt

"What is this, a crappy story?"
– The guy from www.earthprime.com who I got these lines from so I wouldn't have to watch this episode again.

"Never the face, bitch!"
– Maggie: Warrior Princess

"Sliding makes me sleepy."
– Colin... no comment.

Way Out West
Alternate Title: "The Good, The Bad, and the Kromagg."

This episode summary was generously donated by Lynne Thompson. If it stinks more than a pole-cat in July, hog-tie the little lady. (Sorry, it's catchy!)
 

The Sliders escape from a frigid earth, bundled up and complaining about how cold and miserable that place was. They land on West World, and very soon after have already ditched all their winter wear and are wishing they could cool off there again. Remmy whines because he wants to go to Pizza Hut.
They flag down a passing stagecoach whose driver spits and displays other disgusting habits. They start talking about a local highly-feared thieving gunfighter known for having been beaten with an ugly stick. Coincidentally, the Kromagg Yul Brynner and his gang of bandits they were talking about show up at the same time. Colin gets shot and dumped into a ditch during a hair-raising escape from the robbers. The other Sliders ride all the way into town before going back to see whether or not he is still alive.
In the meantime, his unconsious corpse is collected by homesteaders who live off roadkill. They reluctantly nurse him back to health after a long argument about whether or not anyone would even ask them if he was really dead or not before cooking dinner.
Back in town, Maggie gets blackmailed into a job as a Madonna impersonator in the town saloon, in return for Quinn and Rembrandt receiving the loan of horses and tack so they can go back and search for Colin. After failing to find him, they conspire not to inform Maggie so they can keep her humiliated and dressed sluttishly in front of mobs of slobbering cowboys.
The mean Kromagg bandit leader recognizes Quinn and Remmy. In cahoots with the town sheriff, he frames them for murder and they get thrown into the pokey.
Meanwhile, back out at the ranch, the 'Typical stubborn homesteading widow' with a typically large bosom displays an even bigger stubborn streak and refuses to tell Colin about the bad guys who murderized her hubby and want to steal her land. He offers to show her and the daughter his big gun. Oh sorry, it's HER big gun. Coincidentally, the bad guys show up at her ranch at that moment to harass her some more and Colin chases them away. Then he faints like a little girl.
The 'Typically stupid bullheaded daughter' steals her mom's gun and goes to sneak the gun to Quinn and Remmy at the town jail. She gets surprised in the act by the Kromagg gunfighter. Of course, she is too moronic to release the safety before trying to shoot him and gets taken hostage. The Sliders in the pokey are pissed off because they were hoping she would somehow magically spring them out. They get hung and THEN get saved by Colin, who wants to teach them a lesson for leaving him in the ditch. "Mom!" Whines the idiot homesteading widow's bullheaded daughter, "I am such an idiot homesteading widow's bullheaded daughter!" "Yes, you are!" They all chorused.
Colin suddenly displays an amazing talent for close-range sharpshooting to get them out all of their mess, helped by Maggie's boyfriend who is pissed because the uptight local church ladies won't let him start a casino there. The Kromagg bandito shows up suddenly and demands the Sliders' timer so he can escape and leave them stranded there instead. He and Colin have a little drawing contest and Ugly loses. He dies and then jumps up to repeat his death scene in an overly theatrical manner before escaping on horseback.
The homesteading widow has a good feel of Colin's butt as they are hugging goodbye. Colin has a good feel of the homesteading widow's daughter's butt as they are hugging goodbye, as well. Maggie's boyfriend frenches her and has a good feel of HER butt too. Quinn and Remmy look at each other and grimace. "I don't THINK so." Quinn says, moving away from Remmy. Then the Sliders jump into the vortex.


Best lines...

"Hop on board 'fore you fry your frijoles!"
– the coach driver.

"No, Kolitar the Care Bear!"
- Maggie answering the redundant question, "Kolitar the Kromagg?"

"Hey bro, where'd you come up with that story?"
"Happened to me once. Prom night."
- Quinn and Colin

"Did he say 'varmint'?"
- Rembrandt.

"Show me the money!"
– Sheriff Redfield.

"Chaps hurting you just as much as mine are?"
"Yep."
- Rembrandt and Quinn

"You know, you're really getting on my nerves!"
– Rembrandt, to the guy with the harmonica (great gag).

"Does anybody have a Riccola?"
– Quinn, after being hanged.

"You people make me ornerier than a one-legged man in a butt-kicking contest! Sorry... it's catchy."
– Kolitar.

Brother's Keeper
Alternate Title: "Send in the Clones"

        If hybrids, vampires, giant supernatural snakes, and Colin wasn't enough to make your skin crawl, this episode unleashed three separate Quinns!  GAH!
        Now, the details of this episode are a little fuzzy because I was rather stoned when I watched it and thought it was a Nissan ad for a while, but basically it's the kidnap and save formula with Jerry O'Connell faxing in three sleepy little performances.   Now, the gist of the story is that Quinn is mistaken for the clone that his alternate's father is going to use to replace his son's eyes.   Now, the clone is pretty stupid and is taken in by Colin who is pretty stupid as well, so they hit it off nicely.  The alternate is blind and has a big problem using clones for spare parts.  Using Jerry O'Connell on the other hand, isn't such a bad idea.  Anywho, Quinn is reunited with the sliders, the alternate remains happily blind, and Colin teaches the clone the true meaning of Christmas and perhaps a little potty training.

Best lines:

"From now on, the only one who has sex with my wife is me!"
- Michael Keaton, Multiplicity.

"Dey cloned dee wrong man."
- Arnold Swartzenagger, The Sixth Day.

"Zee clones!  Send in zee clones!"
- Dexter, Dexter's Laboratory.

The Chasm
Alternate Title: "Eat, Drink, and be Marry... For Tomorrow We're Going to Throw Your Depressed Ass in a Big Giant Hole!"

        The sliders land in a world where unhappiness is literally sucked from you (hey, isn't that Maggie's job?).  Anywho, the sliders meet one unhappy little girl who commits suicide by jumping into a chasm.  After that, Rembrandt becomes depressed and jumps, killing himself too.  Maggie becomes depressed and moody and commits suicide too.  Tragic, considering that Colin never tried it.  I become depressed after this episode and try jumping down a chasm myself.  Lucky for me, it wasn't very deep.
        Anyway, it turns out that no one really died and everyone who jumped into the hole still alive.  There's a reunion, everybody's happy, I puke, the end.

Best Lines:

"I'm not Wade."
- Maggie. (Doy!)

"I'm not a crook."
- Nixon

"I'm not Spock."
- Leonard Nimoy.

"I am not talented."
- Charlie O'Connell.

"I'm not entertained."
- Me.

"I'm not entertained, either."
- You probably.

Roads Taken
Alternate Title: "The Thin Red Slide"
 

The wormhole goes wacky slamming Colin and Rembrandt into a dumpster at mach 10. Colin lands on his head and suffers no noticeable damage but is worried about the fact that Maggie and Quinn are no where to be seen. Then something explodes.
Then, Maggie and Quinn finally show up and Colin and Remmy question them about why the slide was so funky.
"What's the big deal?" Quinn asked. "We're the stars... we're indestructible!"
The sliders wander out into a war zone in the streets and, as bullets whiz by and sometimes magically through them, they causally ask for directions to the Chandler and, upon arriving there, they learn that America is at war with Sweden and drinking Swiss Miss hot chocolate is illegal and punishable by death or worse - a screening of Wing Commander!
Rembrandt decides that he hasn't had sex in almost an hour and decides to romance Connie Chung who is covering the war and, from her, he learns the exposition I just told you during the last paragraph.
Quinn and Maggie go to sleep together - in separate beds you perverts! - and Colin and Rembrandt discuss the exposition that I told you about two paragraphs ago. As they do so, a strange British guy appears in a police box, looks around and then disappears again.
"Did anything about that seem odd to you?" Colin asks Rembrandt.
Rembrandt grunts uninterested as he flips through channels looking for the Playboy Network so that Colin could finally find out what a naked woman looks like.
After staring at the Playboy Channel for two days straight, Rembrandt pries him away from the TV so he can tell him that Quinn and Maggie are sick and having flashbacks of some lame 1950's TV show on which, he and Maggie are the stars. (Quinn Mallory in Father Slides Best? Maggie Beckett in I Love Loosey?)
Rembrandt goes off to find a doctor leaving Colin alone in the room. Colin immediately glues his face to the Playboy Channel again wondering what sort of occupation would pay someone to blow (Think about it!).
A little while later, the guy in the police box appears again, but Colin is still transfixed by the Latin Lapdance Hour.
Rembrandt finally shows up with a doctor who can't provide any real health care because he's part of an HMO.
Quinn wakes up for a moment and tells the doctor a three hour story about a bunion on his left foot and yells at Colin to, "Turn down that confounded television!"
"My god," the doctor gasps, "Your friends are turning into old farts!" He then quarantines the building and runs into the street crying like a little tiny girlie-man.
The British guy reappears.
"Hey!" Rembrandt exclaims. "It's Doctor Who!"
"Who?" Colin asks.
"Exactly."
"I'm not Doctor Who," the guy explains, "I'm a slider and I'm from an imaginary universe that's become real through bad writing where Quinn and Maggie married, punched out a kid, and grew old. I'm also Quinn and Maggie's son. My name is Mallory.... Leonardo DiCaprio Mallory."
"Yeah, Maggie loved Titanic," Rembrandt mused.
"We have to reunite Maggie and Quinn with their other selves," Leonardo DiCaprio Mallory explained. "Otherwise they'll die. Of course, if we reunite them, every man, woman, and child in my universe will die when my universe ceases to exist.... You know, maybe we shouldn't reunite them at all... Jeez, I was crazy for even coming here in the first place... well, toodles!"
Rembrandt grabs Leonardo by the throat and threatens to kick his ass unless he helps so, the little wussy man creates a portal back to his imaginary reality where Quinn and Maggie are magically made healthy again.
There they see an old man and an old woman lying together in bed. "No, Maggie," the old man groans. "I've got a headache!"
"My god!" Maggie exclaims. "Those are, like, old us's!
Maggie and Quinn run over to the bed and reunite with their older selves wiping several billion people out of existence when the universe caves in on itself.
Suddenly, the wormhole pops open and all the sliders slam into a dumpster at mach 10. Colin lands on his head and suffers no noticeable damage.
"Weren't we just here?" Colin asks.
Quinn nods. "Yeah, since we selfishly annihilated the imaginary universe, it never existed and, therefore, we were never there in the first place and, therefore, we never got sick in the hotel or rejoined with our older us's! Understand?"
"Uhh... yeah," Colin lied.
"You mean the entire episode never happened?" Maggie asked in awe.
Quinn nodded and all four sliders joined together in a high five.
"Thank GOD," Rembrandt laughed.


BEST LINES:

"Yeah, don't mess with Texas, huh?"

- Rembrandt upon learning that Mexican invaders were driven back by gun wielding members of the Lone Star State!


"Maybe it has something to do with your heavy mass and my curved space."

- Maggie to Quinn (Tee-Hee!)

Revelations
Alternate Title: "Deep Throat Lives!"
 

Narrowly escaping a world where the Jolly Green Giant tried to cop a feel from Maggie, the sliders discover that they have to stay in Hicksville, USA for three and a half weeks. So, rather than die, they all get jobs. Quinn and Colin become mechanics, Maggie becomes a waitress at Sonic, and Rembrandt... uh... Rembrandt spends his time turning red traffic lights green by staring at them.
A day goes by and Maggie gets fired by her pimp... uh, I mean boss and becomes hopelessly unemployable. Everyone is bored. Even more bored than the people who watched the last Academy Awards! Even more bored than the people who bought tickets to The Postman. Even more bored than the people who are reading this idiotic episode summary.
Rembrandt reads a book to Colin for bedtime and discovers that a novel called Slippers details the adventures of a group of interdimensional travelers named Quint Mallard, Picasso Brown, Margie Becker, and Carol "Waste of Space" Mallard. There were two other characters, Babe Weller and Mark Artiro who disappeared and were never heard from again. It seems the Slippers battled Kre-Maggs on a world far, far away.
Quinn and the others decide to investigate the author of the book and track him down to a quaint mountain home in the sticks. They knock on the door.
"Hi," Quinn says to Katherine, the young lady who answers. "We're looking for the guy who wrote Slippers, a Mister "Deep Throat"? We're interdimensional travelers for reals."
Katherine almost chucks them out on their kesters before Deep Throat appears and stops her. "It's all right honey," he says, "they're telling the truth. By the way, I'm from a parallel universe that also happens to be Quinn and Colin Mallory's homeworld that drove the Kromaggs away with an evil... uh, I mean useful biological weapon that made them all sterile."
"What kind of weapon?" Rembrandt asks.
"Oh, we just gave them microwaves with no doors," Deep Throat answered. "Then we gave them microwave burritos and... well... they just couldn't resist."
Deep Throat's daughter runs outside and Colin follows. "I can't believe he's from another world and didn't tell me. You can't imagine how I feel!"
"I do," Colin says, "I was..."
Katherine grabbed him and gave him a lustful kiss. "Oh, COLIN!" she squeals. "TAKE ME! RIGHT NOW!"
"Where?" Colin asks.
Katherine jumped him and fifteen seconds later, Colin Mallory became a man.
Colin, with a noticeably deeper voice, rejoins the others as Deep Throat agrees to give the sliders the coordinates to the homeworld. After sliding there, they are amazed by the sight. "Uh, I... uh... have to go," Deep Throat mumbles as he and Katherine sneaks off while Quinn and the others ogle the tall skyscrapers.
The sliders find Quinn and Colin's parents and, after a joyful reunion involving confetti and hors'devours, Maggie decides to move in with Quinn and Rembrandt decides to slide back to Earth Prime with the microwave/burrito weapon in hand. There's a big good-bye and the group parts ways with barely audible mumbles of "asshole" and "jack-off".
Rembrandt goes off looking for Deep Throat at the Chandler, but when he's not there, he tracks him down to DT's brother's house where he is told that Deep Throat is actually a pro-kromagg activist because, on this world, the Kromaggs were peaceful and happy and for that, the humans decide that they all must die horribly. Shocked, Rembrandt realizes that they are not on the homeworld but an evil, evil copy and he grabs Deep Throat and Katherine and runs off to find the other sliders.
Meanwhile, at the Mallory abode, Daddy pulls a gun on Quinn and Colin. "You're not our son!" Michael exclaims, "Our son was a pudgy little fat kid!"
"That was me!" Quinn yells.
"Yeah, right," Michael says rolling his eyes.
Next thing you know, Maggie screams out the "EYE-YI-YI-YI-YI-YI-YI-YI!!!" Xena Warrior Princess yell and single handily kicks both parents asses allowing Quinn, Colin, and herself to run downstairs and into the awaiting vehicle of Deep Throat, Katherine, and Remmy.
After a short chase, Deep Throat's Geo breaks down and the six have to wing it on foot. Deep Throat wusses out and tells the others to go on without him and Katherine, for some sloppy sentimental reason, stays and helps him.
The sliders get on an Amtrak and are chased onto the roof where they activate the vortex.
"I hope you find your real homeworld," Maggie says to Quinn before he jumps in.
"I will," Quinn smiles.
"No," David Peckinpah whispers from off camera, "you won't. Bwwwaaaaaa ha ha ha ha!!!"
Suddenly, after the last slider slides, the Amtrak derails and crushes Peckinpah into a fine red goo on the tracks.
Good bye David Peckinpah.


BEST LINES...

"Maggie seems very short tempered lately."

- Colin using the word "lately" to describe "always"


"Kind of like passing the torch, huh Q-Ball?"

- Rembrandt after accepting the timer from Quinn (poignant, huh?)

Click Here for The Slightly Skewed Guide to Sliders Season Five!