Maggie and Rembrandt exits the nowhere place and "Quinn" and Diana decides to slide along with them for no expressed reason but leaving the O'Connell's a door back into the series.
"...let's do it for Colin, Wade, the professor, and I think I owe you a '70 Devoe."
- the new Quinn to Rembrandt. Not really sure why I like this line, probably the mention of past sliders.
"The first step is easy, it's the last one you have to look out for!"
- Maggie to first-time slider, Diana.
Applied Physics
Alternate Title: "Diana F-(bleep!)-cks Up Big Time"
Grade: A
On what should have been the second part of a two-part episode to at least make the first episode of a season worth a shit, the new sliders are on a new earth when a little girl runs up to Diana calling her mommy. Diana tries to push the little girl away threatening her and calling her names. It is then that Diana's counterpart shows up and takes the little girl away. Diana hides like an Iraqi soldier in the heat of battle.
At the Chandler, Mallory is sitting there minding his own business annoying the Jerry O'Connell fans with his mere presence when all of the sudden, he has a Quinn flashback of Maggie kicking him in the nuts. He falls to the floor in the fetal position and cries like Susan Lucci after loosing the Emmy the fifteenth time.
Diana figures that Mallory's body is remembering that it used to be Quinn and that Quinn is fighting for control. Deciding that JOC is too much of a dick to return the show, she tells him to take an aspirin before going to the university to find a way to stabilize his genetic structure. There, she meets her counterpart, Deedee, who makes friends with her before running off to destroy Dexter's Lab.
Meanwhile, Mallory gets even worse... both physically and as an actor... and Diana decides to go to the university to keep the new Quinn from doing a Colin on the group and becoming unstuck.
So, working on keeping Mallory from exploding, Diana creates a dimensional bubble and who should appear but corpulent Centauri Ambassador Londo Molari from the first episode of the season who gives her a big guilt trip about betraying his trust and stuff. Diana holds up her palm and says, "Speak the hand."
Deedee shows up and destroys the lab causing Londo to disappear. "Deedee!" Diana yells, "Stay out of my lah-bore-ah-tory!"
Deedee runs away and Londo shows back up. "Ha! You see!" he says, "You can make her life better, Diana! Come to the dark side!"
Diana cocks her head and grins, "Mmm'kay!"
So, with the help of Londo, Diana messes with the space-time continuum and screws with reality until she really, really messes something up and causes reality to shift causing Londo to escape and causing sweet, innocent Deedee to turn into a tough-as-nails bitch on wheels who doesn't have a little daughter and who shows up to put Diana under arrest. Diana outwits the incompetence security guards with a donut and escapes.
Diana goes back to the Chandler where Mallory is in more agony than a viewer of the Wild, Wild, Westmovie thanks to the shift in reality. Diana admits that she muffed up, and all of them go back to the university to fix things and Mallory too of they have a spare second or two.
Lo and behold, bitch-Deedee shows back up and thwarts their plans to fix the universe. Londo becomes unstuck again, the group has to slide, and Diana has to live with her horrible, unforgivable, and tremendous mistake... just like Joel Shumacer.
Best lines...
"I'd call that a major fluctuation."
- Mallory to Diana after a little girl runs up to her calling her "mommy".
"Yeah, and she's not your type either."
- Maggie to Mallory after he asks if there's a Maggie counterpart on the new world.
"I knew a Quinn once and there's no resemblance. To me you're a Mallory"
- Maggie to the new Quinn (ouch)!
"That's what I thought."
- Mallory after the deafening silence that falls when he asks the group who they would rather have... him or Quinn.
"I don't know who he was... but he meant so much to me, I can't stop hurting."
- Mallory remembering Professor Arturo.
"It's not just a job, it's an adventure."
- Maggie on sliding.
"She thinks I'm groovy."
- Diana telling Rembrandt what her counterpart thinks of her.
"We expecting anyone else?"
- Bitch-Deedee after Gieger shows up to join an already large group of intruders.
Strangers and Comrades
Alternate Title: "Saving Private Slidin'"
Grade: A+
The sliders land on a freaky little world that not a world... which is actually an asteroid which is stuck in hyperspace which makes it so the timer doesn't count down (I don't understand it either).
Regardless, the gang is taken over by Garabaldi and his men.
"What the hell is this, a Babylon 5 convention!?" Rembrandt moans thinking of their previous run-in with Londo.
Garabaldi drafts them into a war they're fighting with the Kromaggs who are fighting them over the all-powerful super-duper weapon from Quinn and Colin the Idiot Boy's homeworld that can wipe the Maggs out once and for all.
No sooner is the exposition revealed than the before mentioned Kromaggs attack with force wiping out half of Garabaldi's men and Diana's sanity. After the battle is over, Maggie picks up Diana and puts her to bed with her banky and teddy. After Maggie leaves, a Kromagg waltzes into the bunk whistling a happy tune while going through everyone's underwear drawer. Mallory jumps down from the cieling and kicks some magg-ass before Maggie shoots him (the Kromagg, not Mallory - although, for Maggie, it must have been a hard choice).
"How'd he get in the bunk!?" Maggie demands. She then remembered that Mallory was on guard duty and the mystery was solved.
A Saving Private Ryan-esque battle is inserted to appease the evil movie-copying Peckinpah in which Diana gets all scared, pees herself, and runs away.
Diana runs into a Kromagg soldier and screams so loud that it ruptures the Kromagg's eardrum and causes him to pass out.
In the meantime, Diana's absence is finally noticed after two or three days and the gang believes her dead and shrugs it off. "Hey," Maggie says, "It's not like we were attached to her yet... were we?"
"Does that mean that if something happens to me, you wouldn't care?" Mallory asked.
Maggie looked at him confused. "Who are you, again?"
The Kromaggs attack again with super-tanks and the before mentioned conversation is soon forgotten as Kromagg and Human clash in an epic battle to end all battles.
Then, Diana shows up with the Kromagg she injured slumped over her shoulder, bullets whizzing by and magically through them both. The fighting stops as the Kromaggs are touched by Diana's selfless act or idiotic kindness.
The Kromaggs tell Garabalidi that the only thing they are interested in is food which they think the humans are hiding in the bunker. The sliders see this as a great opportunity to take advantage of the Kromagg's newly found heart and decide to double-cross them.
They tell the maggs that there's a funky smell in the bunker and that they shouldn't go in. The Kromaggs buy it and the sliders enter the bunker to find, not only the all-powerful anti-Kromagg weapon they were searching for, but also the instructions that say it only has a 90 day warranty.
"Damn," Rembrandt moans. "It's been over a year!"
The sliders go out to explain themselves to the Kromaggs as Mallory and Diana work on a way to open the vortex. Maggie finds the eyeless body of Garabadi outside which leads her to surmise that Garabaldi was killed and replaced by a Kromagg replicant who is now inside the bunker, or he saw several choice episodes of the third season and clawed his own eyes out.
Maggie and Rembrandt arrive in time to see a Kromagg officer beating Mallory senseless. They watch for ten minutes before finally kicking the Kromagg's kan.
Diana opens the vortex and all of them jump in, though not before activating the anti-Kromagg weapon which detonates after they leave discharging lethal amounts of asbestos into the atmosphere which kills everything in a hundred mile radius.
On the next world, Rembrandt is depressed that the Kromagg weapon was a dud and Maggie cheers him up by saying that they can still defeat the maggs by throwing Mallory at them and having him try to act for them causing them all to die of laughter.
Mallory laughs along until he realizes that he was insulted.
Best lines...
"Sliding's like a box of chocolates..."
"DON'T!"
- Rembrandt and Maggie
"If I remember right, that means things can get worse!"
- Rembrandt when he learns the name of the world they're on is called Purgatory.
The Great Work
Alternate Title: "The Monks Get Medieval..."
Grade: C-
New Gods For Old
Alternate Title: "Shiny Happy People Holding Hands"
Grade: A-
Please Press One
Alternate Title: "Please Press This!"
Grade: A