"Since The World is Hollow, I Must Have Touched the Ground" (The inevitable Star Trek: The Next Generation - Sliders Crossover) Chapter Three: "The Last Temptation Of Rembrant" Previously in this story, the Sliders were thrown 300 years into the future by the timer and a radioactive fruitcake. They emerged on the bridge of the U.S.S. Enterprise-D and are suspected of being alien intruders until Picard discovers that they are not. Later, in a horrific turn of events, Quinn is assimilated by the Borg and turned against the Enterprise. Only through a last-minute save by Riker, Worf, Wade, and Wesley are they able to save him. Back on the Enterprise, Rembrant gives Picard an idea on how to beat the Borg by throwing a large asteroid in their path which they do. It causes a massive explosion which would've been a special effects marvel had it been on the big screen and not on paper. (But let's not get into that) Meanwhile, Quinn tries to use the fast-fading intelligence the Borg have implanted into him to fix the timer but is too late due to the fact that some engineer had spilled a soda on it making the back panel inaccessible. Later aliens come onto the scene demanding the extradition of Rembrant because the asteroid they used to blow up the Borg was the last known habitat of the "flat-nosed wanker monkey" and thus broke their law. Two aliens beam on to the ship, kidnaps Rembrant, and shoots off into the wide black yonder. Leaving the Enterprise stunned and the Sliders really pissed. As we rejoin the story, Worf is heading back to the bridge. Wade, Quinn, and Arturo are nipping at his heals. Wade: So tell me, big and ugly, am I going to get kidnapped next? There certainly seems to be a lot of kidnapping going on on this spaceship of yours! Hell, with you as the security chief, I feel totally safe! Arturo: Now, now, Miss Wells. Why don't you lay off of the Klingon for a while. Wade: Wha...!? Arturo: And let ME insult him! You blistering idiot! Do you call yourself a security officer!? If I had half a mind I'd... Arturo is cut off as the turbolift doors close. On the bridge, Wesley is back at the helm. Leaving Ro stationless. (You see, she knows that if she goes to one of the other stations they would probably blow up and kill her. She's smart. That's why she's been on the show for so long.) Riker, Troi, and Picard are spreading in their seats. LaForge is in an AOL chat room on the engineering station. The turbolift doors open to reveal... Arturo: ...AND SHOVE IT IN THERE SO HARD YOU'D HAVE TO GET A DOCTOR TO PULL IT OUT!!! Picard: Professor Arturo! Shouting on the bridge is to be done only by the officer or officers manning the tactical station! Please desist! Officer manning tactical: CAN I GO NOW SIR!? Picard: Yes, yes, yes. Worf: Captain, may I speak with you in private? Picard: This isn't about that "age of assention" stuff is it? Worf: No. Picard: All righty then. Ensign Ro, would you man the tactical station? Ro: No, but I'll work on it. Picard: R-right. Picard and Worf go to the ready room. Arturo looks around the bridge, rubs his hands together and parks his wide behind in the captain's chair. The stunned bridge crew look on. Arturo: And just what the devil are all of you looking at? Riker: You sat in Captain Picard's chair! Troi: Ooooo, he's not going to like that. Arturo: Fine, I'll sit somewhere else! Riker: It won't matter, he'll know. He always knows. Picard: Mr. Worf, I understand your concerns but you are a great chief of security and I am unwilling to replace you! Worf: But you should of heard them sir. Picard: I can imagine. Worf: The professor and Miss Wells... Picard: I know Worf, I know. Worf: They... (sniff) They... r-r-really hurt my feelings. Picard: I know, I know. Worf: (sob) I suck at my job sir! I-I-I've never had two people kidnapped from the ship in one day by two separate forces! Picard: Everyone has an off day Mr. Worf. But what you can do now is go to that tactical station, look your meanest and find Rembrant Brown! Because you are the best Officer on the bridge! Worf: (sniff sniff) You... You mean it? Picard: You know I do. Now where's that Klingon smile? Worf: Klingons do NOT smile! Picard: That's the spirit! Now get out there! Worf: Yes sir! (exits) Picard: (to replicator) Tea. Earl Gray. Hot. Replicator: BEEP BEEP Picard takes the tea and drinks. He then holds his arms out and begins to fall backwards in slow motion into a swimming pool that has mysteriously appeared behind him with the words "Nestea" written on it's bottom. A few minutes later, Picard emerges on the bridge soaking wet with a big smile on his face. Arturo wastes no time. Arturo: Captain, I demand that you do something to find our friend this is getting ridiculous! Picard: Not to worry professor. I have the entire situation in hand. Mr. Worf, have you found a way to track the alien's ship yet? Worf: Yes sir, if we tune our sensor to detect neutron from their engines, we can follow them! Picard: Excellent! Mr. Crusher, lay in course to follow the trail and engage at warp 9. Data: Doesn't that violate the warp speed limit of warp 5? Picard: Yes, Yes it does. Your point being? Data: None sir. Just maintaining a sense of continuity. Wade: (To Quinn) What's continuity? Quinn: You know those people who jump into the wormhole with us but never show up again? Wade: Yeah. Quinn: That's the opposite of continuity. Wade: Oh. Picard: Miss Wells, Mr. Mallory, Professor Arturo. We will find your friend after I solve a minor mystery. Arturo: What minor mystery? Picard: The minor mystery of who the jerk-off is that's been sitting in my chair! Picard scowls at the bridge looking for the culprit. Riker and Troi begin pointing to Arturo behind his back and Picard nods. Picard: (with an evil tone) Professor Arturo. Arturo: Yes? Picard: I understand that you are having trouble with that timing device of yours. Arturo: Why yes we are. Picard: Well, it just so happens that Wesley Crusher here is about to go off duty and I'm sure he would be most happy to help you repair it. Wesley: I would? Oh, Yes! Yes I would! I'm smart you know! Arturo: I'm sure you are young man. LaForge: Excuse me sir? Wesley: Yes, what is it Geordi? LaForge: Long-range sensors have detected the alien ship. We'll be in range in 5 hours. Picard: Very good. Wesley, take Professor Arturo to the Science lab and help him work on the timer. Wesley: Yes sir! (Wes and Arturo leave) Picard: Worf! Worf: Yes sir? Picard: Follow them and lock them inside. Worf: That evil sir! I like it! (Worf leaves) Riker: Doesn't that violate some sort of law sir? Picard: Number one, look at me and ask if I care. Riker: Gotcha sir. Quinn: Captain? Picard: Yes? Quinn: I'm just not sure who to feel sorry for, Rembrant, Arturo, or Wesley! Picard: None of us are Mr. Mallory. -------------------------------- COMMERCIAL BREAK Next Time, on a very special episode of STAR TREK: VOYAGER: Janeway: Somebody help me! I'm trapped in a turbo-lift with Andrew Dice Clay!!! Dice: Hey come on, baby! There are worse places to be! Chakotay: We've got to get her out of there! This is more powerful than anything any of us have faced! Kim: Even the Kromaggs? Chakotay: That's a different show Harry, shut up and pay attention. Dice: Come on baby, just tell me how I can please you. Janeway: Choke on something. And stay tuned after STAR TREK: VOYAGER for... Ah, who cares? -------------------------------- The Enterprise streaks through space Picard: Captain's log. Stardate 45679.5: Four hours have gone by since we began chasing the alien ship. Professor Arturo has reported little progress in the repair of the timer and the aliens have refused all attempts at communication. In the Science lab a vibrant Wesley annoys a near-homicidal Arturo Wesley: None of the kids in my 2nd grade class like me because I was so much smarter tan they were... Either that or it was my uncontrollable bladder, but that cleared up by the time I was a freshman in high school. Now that was a though time! I thought being president of the high school chess club would win me friends, but did it? Oh no! Anyway where was I? Arturo: If I told you to shut up would you? Wesley: No, anyway... When I was in 3rd grade my teacher hated me... Arturo: Imagine that. Wesley: ...probably because I made a life-sized anatomically correct clay model of an Andorian. Arturo: (interrupting) Professor Arturo calling the bridge, is anyone there? Picard: -- This is Picard -- Arturo: Captain, are the locks on the science lab still broken? Picard: -- Yeah... (snicker) I'm afraid they are. We... (snicker) We will... (snicker) get someone to fix them when we have a (HA HEE) chance! Picard out (HA HA HA!) -- Arturo: Blistering Idiot!!! Wesley: So anyway, when My teacher saw the clay model she went nuts! It was like... I thought her head was going to explode or something. She did it again when I beamed the batteries out of her pacemaker. It was so funny! I thought... Arturo: What did you say? Wesley: I said, I beamed the batteries out of my 3rd grade teacher's pacemaker. Arturo: That's it!!! Wesley: What's that? Arturo: All this time we've been trying to fix the timer from the inside and... My God... could it be that simple? Wesley: WHAT? Arturo: (shaking the batteries out into his hand) The damn batteries were dead! The trip through time must have drained them! Wesley: Ohhhh, just like in Star Trek IV when Uhura and Chekov had to recharge the Klingon Bird of Prey! Arturo: (Ignoring Wesley) Right well, all we need to do now is get fresh batteries and get back to our own time! Wesley: Uh, not so fast Pavoratti. Arturo: WHAT!? Wesley: Those batteries there are from the 20th century. Here in the 24th century, they aren't very easy to come by! Arturo: Well, surely someone as "smart" as you can think of something! Wesley: I can... and don't call me "Shirley". Meanwhile on the bridge... Worf: The aliens have stopped sir! Picard: No way! How long until we are within range? Worf: At warp 9... about ten minutes. Picard: Open hail-- Worf: Hailing frequencies open! Picard: This is the Enterprise. We demand that you return Rembrant Brown to us immediately! Alien: Ah, Captain Jean-Luc Retard. So nice of you to call. Picard: I don't want to play games with you! Where is Mr. Brown? Alien: He is being tried for his crime, I cannot hand him over. Picard: May we beam over to offer testimony at least? Alien: I don't see any harm in that. Very well, You and two others may beam over to offer testimony. We will expect you in ten minutes! Picard: Number One, Worf, come with me! Quinn: Now wait just a minute! If someone's going to testify on Rembrant's behalf, it should be us! Wade: Yeah, we've known him longer! Picard: As much as I hate to admit it, it does make sense. Worf: But captain! As a warrior, I must be there to protect you! Picard: I'm a big boy Worf. I can handle myself. Quinn: Yeah, I bet he's good at handling himself anyway. The bridge erupts with laughter as Picard tries to figure out what is so funny. Picard: Come with me you two! (Picard, Quinn, and Wade exit) Riker: I like that Quinn guy. In the alien ship, Picard and the two sliders are seated in audience section as a large bald mantis-like alien enters. Bull: All rise! Medding Superbeings criminal court is now in session. The honorable Judge Q is residing. Picard: Q! The mantis aliens all vanish leaving the group in Q's courtroom facing the one and only Q! ---------------------------------------- COMMERCIAL BREAK [Avery Brooks is sitting on a beach] Brooks: Hi, you may know me as Captain Ben Sisko, on STAR TREK: DEEP SPACE NINE, and until recently, I had a full head of hair. But I never felt comfortable with it. It was only until I shaved my head that I felt like me. And that's why, with the help of other STAR TREK actors, I have created the SCALP CLUB FOR MEN. Patrick Stewart: That's right Avery, the SCALP CLUB FOR MEN is for people who can say, "I don't need hair to lead a perfectly healthy life!" There are many advantages to being bald. For example, you never have to blow dry, or worry about those so-called, "bad hair days" Robert Picardo: I know what you're thinking, you're thinking, "Well, what if I'm not totally bald?" Well, that's no problem. If you are losing hair, the SCALP CLUB FOR MEN is just what you've been waiting for. Announcer: THE SCALP CLUB FOR MEN: Because real captains don't need hair. ---------------------------------------- Q: Mon captain! How'd you like the little rouse I set up? Picard: I should've known it was you! Who's ever heard of a flat-nosed wanker monkey before!? Q: Oh, bitch, bitch, bitch. Quinn: Who is this guy? Picard: He's a menace! That's what he is! Wade: (to Q) Where's our friend? Q: Oh, I haven't hurt a hair on the little soul man's head. Wade: We want to see him! Q: Well, I want to break Jean-Luc's spirit but you don't see ME complaining about it! Oh, all right. Hey Rembrant! Come on out here! Rembrant: (entering behind Q) Hey guys, what took you so long? Quinn: Rembrant! You're all right! Rembrant: Quinn! You're right! This guy is one cool cat, let me tell you! He can make stuff appear just by snapping his fingers. Dude, you're all right! (gives Q a five) Q: You see Picard? I can be a nice person if I'm given a chance. Picard: What do you want Q? Q: Oh, A little song. A little dance. A little seltzer down your pants. A bottle of seltzer appears in Q's hands. He douses Picard with it. The Sliders bust up laughing. Q: Why Picard! Where have you been hiding these guys? It's so nice to see someone with a sense of humor. Rembrant: (Laughing) Man, I LOVE this guy! Meanwhile, back on the bridge, Riker is talking to Dr. Crusher. Riker: ...and then he said, "I bet your pretty good at handling yourself"! Crusher: HA! HA! Oh, I wish I could've seen the look on Jean-Luc's face! HA! HA! Guinan: -- Bridge, this is Ten Forward -- Riker; Guinan, I don't remember you ever calling the bridge before. Data: Sir, Guinan called the bridge in "Q Who" and "Yesterday's Enterprise". Riker: Hush Data. Guinan: -- Is everything all right up there? -- Riker: You mean besides the fact that Captain Picard and two people from 300 years in the past and a different universe are on an alien ship? Guinan: -- Yes. -- Riker: No, everything's A-Ok. Guinan; -- Fine, sorry to bother you. -- Riker: Oh Guinan, one more thing. Guinan: -- Yes? -- Riker: Does Ten Forward deliver? Guinan: -- No -- Riker: Ok, just asking. Bridge out. Arturo: -- Professor Arturo calling the Bridge! -- Riker: (smug) Yes professor what can I do for you? Arturo: -- We've fixed this blasted timer so you can do me a big favor by releasing me from the hell you have thrust me into and unlocking this door! -- Riker: Hold on just a second professor. What do you think Worf? Worf: No man deserves to suffer as much as he has. Riker: How true. Let him out. Worf: Wesley too? Riker: Gee, I don't... Crusher: YES! Let Wesley out too! Worf: Rats. (Worf leaves) Troi: Is something wrong Will? Riker: I wish I knew what was going on over there on that ship. Counselor, what do you sense? Troi: I sense what could only be described as amusement from Mr. Mallory and Miss. Wells. Riker: What about the Captain? Troi: Did you ever see that scene in "Scanners" when that guys head blew up? Picard is not very happy. Q has used his power to grow Picards nose out a foot long. He has also dressed him in a snug little tutu and paper hat. The sliders are rolling on the ground laughing, and as I said... Picard is not amused. Picard: This is NOT amusing! Q: Oh, it's not is it? Then why are your little chums over there laughing their proverbial butts off? Picard: They are from the past Q! They find this kind humor entertaining! We have evolved beyond that Q! We are too advanced to laugh at such low-brow foolery! (Picard farts) YOU MADE ME DO THAT!!! Q: Prove it. Quinn: (HA HA HA!) Stop! I-I-I can't take anymore! (HA HA HEE HA HA HA!) Rembrant: Oh! (HA HA HA!) My side! (HA HA!) Picard: Dammit Q! You're killing them! Q: Moi? Oh come now Peck-hard. Wade: (HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!) I-I-I've never laughed so hard in my life! (HA HA!) Picard: Stop this Q! What do you want me to do? Q: Well, let's see... I've already turned you into Robin Hood. Now what would really humiliate you? OH, I know! Suddenly, In a bright flash of light, Picard is transformed into a cartoon character. A famous one actually. Picard: What the...!? Oh, good grief! Lucy: Hey Charlie Brown! Picard: My name is not Charlie Brown young lady, it's Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the... Lucy: ARE YOU GOING TO KICK THIS FOOTBALL OR NOT? YOU BLOCKHEAD! Picard: Well, I don't see the harm in that. Picard runs full speed towards the football which Lucy pulls out of the way at the last second ending Picard flying through the air. Picard: AHHHHHUUUUGGGHHHHHHHHHH! (OOF!) In Q's Court room, Q and the sliders are watching the events unfold on a big screen TV. Rembrandt is thumbing through a TV guide. Rembrandt: Hey guys, TNT is showing 2001: A Space Odessy! Wade: Oh, I love that movie! Q: Well then. my dear, we shall watch it. HAL: What are you doing Dave? Picard: My name is NOT Dave! HAL: I believe you are having a nervous breakdown, Dave. Picard: You're not far off! Rembrandt: Hey! Turn the channel to 57! Q: Ok. But why? Rembrandt: Trust me, Q my man! Picard: Where the hell am I now? Spock: We appear to have an intruder captain. Kirk: I can see that Mr. Spock. Spock: Shall I call for security sir? Kirk: No, I'll handle it. Greetings... I'm James T. Kirk, captain of the Federation Starship Enterprise. Picard: Wha...!? I'M The captain of the Enterprise! Kirk: Them's fightin' words! (He does the flying kick sending Picard flying into the bulkhead) Q: You guys think he's had enough? Quinn: Yeah, you'd better bring him back. He's our ride. POOF! Picard: Enough of this Q! Q: I agree, I haven't had this much fun in eons and I owe it all to your friends here. Guys, just name it and I'll grant you any wish you want! Quinn: Any wish we want? Rembrant: I wish that everyone in the universe knew what a musical genius Rembrant "Crying Man" Brown is! Q: Done and done! Wade: Gee Rembrant, I'm glad you didn't waste that wish on something stupid like... oh, I don't know... GETTING US HOME!!! Rembrant: What can I say? Oops Picard: Q, I have had it with your... Say, aren't you the Crying Man? Rembrant: Ha! HA! I sure am sir! Picard: Gee whiz, oh! It's an honor! I love that one song you do, "Fro Man"! I love it! Rembrant: I'm going to like the rest of this episode. Q: Well, I have to take my leave of you. Quinn: But why Q? We were all having such a great time! Q: I know, I know... But hey, omnipotence has it's price. I'm supposed to pick up my nephew Trelaine and play a few rounds of golf with Obiwan Kenobi. then I've gotta go evaluate this new member of the continuum, Conrad Bennish. Well, it's been real! POOF! Picard, Rembrant, Wade, and Quinn disappear. --------------------------------------- COMMERCIAL BREAK (about four or five minutes of blackness because some guy at the TV station forgot to put a tape in) --------------------------------------- POOF! Picard, Rembrant, Wade, and Quinn appear on the bridge. Riker: Captain!? Picard: It was Q all along number one. Riker: Say, isn't that... Picard: Rembrant "Crying Man" Brown? Yes, it is! Riker: I'm a big fan! Troi: I have all your albums! Worf: On the Klingon homeworld, there is a death blow called, "The Crying Man" Data: I am not programmed to like music, however, if I were, I'm sure I would be a big fan. Crusher: I had a fro in my academy days because I liked your music so much! Rembrant: Hee hee! Let's never leave! Arturo: (entering from turbo-lift) Quinn! Wade! Rembrant? Rembrant: Yeah professor, it's me! Arturo: Cool, anyway, I have some good news and some bad news. Picard: Out with it man! Can't you see the Crying Man is waiting!? Arturo: (Stares at Picard for a few seconds) The good news is I fixed the timer. The bad news is that the window is going to open in about thirty seconds! Say good-bye and make it quick! Wade: Wait a minute, will the timer put us back in our own time? Arturo: Yes, without that fruitcake, it will return us to our place in the astral plane! Picard: Well, bon voyage Mr. Mallory. Quinn: Thank you Captain, and sorry about laughing at you like we did. It was really childish. Picard: think nothing of it. (sotto to Quinn) Besides, what other starship captains can say, "I entertained Rembrant "Crying Man" Brown"? Quinn: (sympathetic smile) Not many. Worf: Good-bye Miss Wells. May I say you showed true courage on the Borg ship. Wade: Thank you Worf. And I'm sorry if I stayed on your case about Rembrant and Quinn getting kidnapped. Worf: A true warrior ignores complaints. Crusher: Bye Professor, I wished my son could've been here to see you off. He thinks very highly of you. Arturo: I suppose he isn't quite as annoying as everyone says he is. Crusher: Let's not go that far. Picard: Rembrant, It's been an honor to have a musical genius like you grace the halls of the Enterprise. Your visit has brought hope to use all. Arturo looks at Quinn and mouths the words, "...the hell?" Quinn smirks and shrugs. Picard: Say, can I have your autograph? Rembrant: Sure, do you have a pen? Picard: Let me check.... oh DAMN, no. Crusher: Can I have a sample of your DNA for cloning? Rembrant: Uh... no. Troi: Can I kiss you good-bye? Rembrant: Gee... Let me thin-- SURE! Rembrant and Troi share a passionate kiss as Arturo shakes his head and activates the wormhole. Arturo: You are going to HAVE to tell me what happened while I was locked in that room with Wussly. Quinn: It's a long story, but it's worth it. (Quinn jumps through) Arturo: Here I leave the 24th century with no regret but coming to it in the first place. (Arturo jumps through) Worf: What a jerk! Wade: You don't know the half of it. (To Rembrant) Come on Romeo! (Wade jumps through) Rembrant: (finishes kissing Troi) I have to go. Troi: No wait! I want to have your children! Rembrant: Please... Control yourself baby. (He blows her another kiss and jumps through the wormhole which closes shortly thereafter) Riker: Counselor, if it will make you feel any better, you can have my children. Troi: Yuck, no. Wesley: (entering) Captain Picard! Where are the sliders!? Picard: You just missed them, they just slid. Wesley: Aww, that's too bad. I just figured out a way to control sliding and I was bringing it up here to them. Oh well. Picard: Good work Wesley. All right people, the galaxy's not exploring itself. Let's get to work! Picard sits in the command chair and puts on a pair of headphones. "Tears in My Fro" can be heard coming from them. The scene changes to the sliders, back in the 20th century. They are in Washington DC in front of the White House for some reason and Rembrant is explaining to Arturo why everyone on the Enterprise were suddenly fans of him music. Rembrant: ...and that's why everyone on the Enterprise were suddenly fans of my music. Arturo: What a load of hogwash! This "Q" character seems like a 24th century con-artist to me! Rembrant: I'll prove it! (Goes to horseback policeman) Excuse me officer. Do you know who I am? Officer: Why? Did your mother never tell you? Rembrant: You don't know who I am? Officer: No. Rembrant: No problem. (To tourist) Do you know who I am? Tourist: Do YOU know who I am? Rembrant: No. Tourist: I guess that makes us even then doesn't it? Quinn: (laughing) Rembrant: Just what the hell is so damn funny? Quinn: You wished that Q would make it so that everyone in the universe would think that you were a musical genius, right? Rembrant: Yeah? So? Quinn: Think about it Rembrant, We aren't in THAT universe anymore. Rembrant: Awww shucks! Wade: Don't worry about it Rembrant, as far as I'm concerned, you are a musical genius! Rembrant: That doesn't help as much as I'd like it to. Quinn: I wonder what all the commotion is over there? The sliders walk over to a group of tourists who look frightened, excited, and anxious at the same time. It make them look constipated. Wade: What's going on? Tourist: What's going on? What's going on!? THAT'S GOING ON!!! The tourist points into the sky and the sliders look. Arturo: Good heavens! A large spacecraft has positioned itself over the White House. The populous is running away in terror. Quinn; How long till we slide? Arturo: 2 seconds! The wormhole opens and the sliders jump one after another into it. The wormhole closes just as the White House is blown to bits by the spacecraft. THE END Join us next time on SLIDERS when the group visits a world run by the famous Canadian comedy troop THE KIDS IN THE HALL! Can the Sliders escape with their lives on a world where Canada runs the entire northern hemisphere!? Mel Torme' Guest stars on the next exiting episode of SLIDERS!!!