Space: Behind and Between The Uncalled for Sliders / Star Trek: Voyager Crossover by Jason Donner Guest Starring Jack Palance, Marie Osmond, Dennis Rodman, Rosie O'Donnell, and David Ducovney as "Tobar the Carrot Man" Part one - Episode Title: "Ambigousonewordtitle" [The sliders are preparing to depart from a particularly famous world and seem to be surrounded by a group of strangely dressed people] Quinn: We have about a minute until the slide Arthur: Right, well... Sorry about the incident while you were here. Quinn: Don't worry. It's not like you could've prevented Charles and Pig Leg from stealing the timer or the Ideamen from kidnapping the Professor or Chairface from sucking out Rembrandt's brain. Oh, by the way, how are you feeling Rembrandt? Rembrandt: [drooling] oooooooooaaaaah... American Maid: He'll be back to normal in a few minutes. Wade: Die Fladermaus... Die Fladermaus: Don't even try sister, you had your chance. Die Fladermaus feels for no mere woman! The only person I'm in love with is ME!!! Wade: I was going to say that you're standing on my foot. Die Fladermaus: Fine... fine... beg if you must. Want my phone number? Wade: No. American Maid: Shove it field mouse. Arthur: Uhh, here I made this for you. It's a basket of assorted cheese and crackers... uhh... half eaten. Arturo: [takes basket] Uhh... thanks. [activates wormhole] Sewer Urchin: Of course, you definitely gotta wait for the Tick... He'd definitely like to see you leave. All Sliders: No! No! That's quite all right! Arturo: This is one of the weirdest worlds we've been on! Rembrandt: [drooling] Waaaaahhh... Wade: Uh oh! I hear footsteps! Distant Voice: Spoooooon!!! Quinn: He's coming! Arturo: Slide for it!!! [The sliders quickly jump into the wormhole leaving behind the wicker basket of cheese. Suddenly, everyone's favorite overly- buffed blue superhero arrives!] Tick: Hey guys, where are those sliders at. Arturo: Tick! They just left... Uh! We told you to be here at 7:00 if you wanted to see them off! Tick: So I had a little problem with the tights! Hey, they left their wicker basket... [The Tick throws the wicker basket into the wormhole which begins to fluctuate, shake, shimmy, and do all sorts of weird messed up stuff. Finally, it closes] Tick: That was strange, my friends. Like so many things in life, it was totally and completely unexpected. Sort of like finding a dollar bill in your pocket, or finding out that your teddy bear is in fact a dead cat... Those are the unexpected things we must deal with... but like so many things, we must be prepared. Prepared to face the unexpected that the naughty forces of evil throws in our path. For when evil gets naughty, it must face... THE TICK!!! [Unfortunately, what the Tick does not realize is that all of his friends grew tired of his ramblings and left.] ------------------- COMMERCIAL BREAK Are you plauged by strange dreams that later come true? Do you here voices that turn out to be the thoughs of those around you? Can you tell your neighbor is a serial killer just by looking at him? The the Psi-corp is for you! Yes, the Psi-corp offers you a rigourous ten month brainwashing program for the good of the planet Earth! Just ask us about our killer dental plan! Kid: Look mom! I'm a psi-cop! The Psi-Corp... The Few... The Proud... The Mental... --------------------- [Meanwhile, in what appears to be a completely different TV show, the USS Voyager continues on it's long journey home.] Kim: Are we there yet? Janeway: No Harry... Chakotay: Captain, he's been asking that every five minutes for the past five weeks. What the hell's wrong with him? Janeway: He's just a little homesick. Who can blame him? Paris: I could. Janeway: You could blame him for what? Paris: Blame? Oh! I thought you said maim. Tuvok: Mr. Paris, I feel I should warn you that harming a fellow officer is a violation that merits a court marshal. Paris: Oh, bite me Tuvok! Tuvok: Why would you want me to bite you Mr. Paris? Chakotay: It's a human expression Tuvok. It means shut up. Torres: Actually, "bite me" on the Klingon Homeworld literally means "bite me"! Tuvok: That seems logical. Chakotay: Klingons actually want others to bite them? Tuvok: To prove honor? Why else? Chakotay: How does getting bit give you honor? Paris: OW! Janeway: What!? Paris: Belanna bit me! Torres: It was a playful nibble. Tuvok: The blood running down his neck would deem otherwise. Kim: Are we there yet? Everyone: NO! Janeway: [puts her head in her hands and shakes her head] Chakotay: Captain, I'm reading a disturbance in the mess hall. Janeway: [unimpressed] Really? Is it anything like the disturbance on the bridge? Chakotay: If you mean the biting thing... no. Neelix: [over intercom] Captain, this is Neelix. Janeway: Neelix? Torres: The spotty guy with the mohawk. Janeway: I know who he is. What's the problem Neelix? Neelix: The most curious thing just happened, I was cooking Ensign Smith and.... Janeway: Don't you mean you were cooking WITH Ensign Smith? Neelix: Sure, OK. Anyway, there I was making dinner when all of the sudden this big blue thing opened up and these four people flew out. Chakotay: I think Neelix has been hitting the ol' Leola Root, if you know what I mean. Janeway: [ignores Chakotay] Mr. Tuvok, get down there with a security team. Tuvok? Paris: He left when Neelix said he was cooking Ensign Smith. Janeway: Ahh... well, Mr. Paris, can you tell me if we are near any anomalies that may have caused the intruders to appear in the mess hall? Paris: Captain... I've... lost a lot of blood here. Janeway: Right, keep up the good work. Paris: I'm starting to hallucinate. Janeway: Forget it... I'll just go to the mess hall and see what's going on for myself. [Exunt Janeway] Paris: I see Elvis! Go king! Kim: Are we there yet? [In the mess hall...] Janeway: Report Tuvok. Tuvok: [tastes soup] It's Ensign Smith all right. Janeway: Forget about that. Where are the intruders? Tuvok: Over there... The fat guy says his name is Maximillan Arturo, The little female says that her name is Wade Welles, The normal guy says he's Quinn Mallory, and the Las Vegas reject says his name is... [raises eyebrow] Auuuuugh. Janeway: Auuuuugh? What a strange name. Tuvok: Not so... My second child is named Uuuuuah. Janeway: Yes, and believe me, I'm very proud of you. [walks over to the sliders] I'm Captain Janeway of the Federation Starship Voyager. Quinn: Well, since the pixie guy already told you our names introductions are unnecessary. Janeway: Right. We wouldn't want to make this parody anymore wordy than it has to be. Arturo: Where are we? Janeway: You're aboard a Starship, deep inside the Uncharted Delta Quadrant. Rembrandt: OoooooAhhhhhhh. [drool] Janeway: What's up with him? Arturo: Nothing, listen babe... We're from this planet called Earth and... Janeway: Don't call me babe. Arturo: Right, sorry sweetheart. Anyway, we come from this planet called... Janeway: Don't call me sweetheart either. Arturo: Do you mind!? Now, as I was saying.... Janeway: EARTH!!! Did you say Earth!? Arturo: Right. Janeway: How did you get here? Quinn: I'll field this one. We got here via a sliding device that allows us to travel between parallel worlds. Tuvok: Intriguing. Janeway: Oh, Tuvok! Are you still here? Tuvok: Obviously. I was inspecting this antique wicker basket they've brought. Janeway: What does it tell you? Wade: It tells me that he has way too much free time. Tuvok: Miss Welles, would you do me the great honor of biting me? Janeway: Tuvok, tell us what the basket tells you. Tuvok: Obviously, the basket is empty. Perhaps whatever was inside was vaporized by a dimensional vortex and caused them to be thrown into the future. Janeway: The future? What are you saying? Tuvok: Obviously, in addition to being from Earth, these sliders are from the year 1997 and... Ouch! Janeway: What!? Tuvok: Miss Welles bit me! Wade: He said it'd be an honor! Janeway: EVERYONE! SHUT UP!!! Now, what you're saying is that these guys are travelers from Earth's past? Tuvok: Essentially yes. Janeway: Why didn't you just say so? Quinn: Captain Janeway? Janeway: What? Quinn: Can we leave now? Janeway: Leave? My dear sweat young man, we are 70,000 light years from home, and until we figure out how to get you guys back to the past... you're stuck here too. [Suddenly, the lights go out] Janeway: ...the hell? [slaps communicator] Janeway to bridge, Torres what's going on? Torres: Two bio-neural gel packs just crashed. I'm working on it. Kim: Are we there yet? Torres: Harry, stay off this channel! Janeway: [rubbing temples] Is there anything else I should be notified of? [Mumbling ans scuffling can be heard in the background] Chakotay: I'll handle this Belanna. Uhh, captain... This is Chakotay. Are you sitting down? Janeway: Yes. What is it? Chakotay: Well, when the gel packs crashed it caused the weapons systems to fail. Now...now... normally that wouldn't be a problem. but we've had a... uh... complication. Janeway: What is it? Chakotay: It's a problem or obstacle, but that's not important right now. Listen, we just picked up a Kazon ship coming in at high warp. Janeway: Perfect! Did you hail them? Chakotay: Yes, they said somthing about delivering a story hook. Rembrandt: Aaaauuuuuuugghhhhhh.... Chakotay: Captain, was that you? Janeway: No, it's a slider. Chakotay: A what? Janeway: Forget it. Chakotay: Captain, we are defensless with a enemy ship coming in. What do we do? Janeway: Go to red alert! I'm coming to the bridge! Quinn: What about us? Janeway: What about you? Neelix, will you keep an eye on these guys? Neelix: Can I cook them? Janeway: No. [Exunt Janeway] Coputerized Voice: Red Alert! Red Alert! Parody in progress! Parody in progress! Rembrandt: Uuuuuuuugggghhhhh... [passes out] Neelix: Can I interest you chaps in a soup? Uh oh! The sliders are in a real pickle now! Can they get home? Will Rembrandt ever regain his sanity? Will people quit literally interpreting "bite me" as "bite me"? Will the Kazon make mince meat out of Voyager? What is the mytery of the yeti? Do YOU know the muffin man? Tune in next time to find out! TO BE CONTINUED...