SPACE: BEHIND AND BETWEEN In Space, No One Can Hear You Whine... by Jason Donner Part Ten - Episode Title: "A Bird in the Hand Poops on Your Wrist" While retrieving the timer from the Kazon, Kim, Quinn, Janeway, Neelix, Tuvok, and Arturo got stranded on the Colonial Space Marine Transport, Sulaco from the movie Aliens and Aliens 3 where Harry Kim was attacked by an alien face-hugger. Luckily, with Wade's now-enhanced force power, she was able to tell that the team is still alive and convinced Chakotay, Kes, Paris, and Dr. Sam Beckett who is (unbeknowst to all but us) inhabiting the body of Rembrandt, to go on a rescue mission. Unfortunately, upon reaching the shuttlebay, the rescue team gets a nasty surprise. Chakotay: What do you mean we're out of shuttles? Paris: Captain Janeway took the last one. Well... except for the shuttlecraft Cochrane. Chakotay: Oooo... we don't want to take that! Sam: Me neither. I wouldn't want to ride in a spaceship named after an OJ lawyer either! Kes: No, no... That shuttlecraft was enhanced with super-duper dylithum crystals that allows it to speed up to warp 10. Wade: Yeah, so? What's the problem? Paris: When I test drove it, I turned into a frog. Chakotay: It was awful. Kes: And the critic's didn't like it either. Wade: But it's the only shuttle here! Chakotay: [to communicator] Belanna, how soon can you get the transporters fixed? Torres: About three hours, Wade: That'll take to long! We have to slide by then! Chakotay: Tom, can you keep this shuttle from going warp 10? Paris: Yeah, as long as I don't hit the, "take the shuttle to warp 10" button. Chakotay: Then, I'm afraid we're going to have to risk it. Wade, Kes, Tom, Wade, Rembrandt, come on! [Begins boarding the shuttle] Sam: Al? Where are you? Wade: What? Sam: Huh? Oh, I said, uh... "Well... here are... you." Wade: [acts like she's about to say something, but decides not to.] [The gang boards the shuttle and takes off. Meanwhile, in the year 1999] Al: Ziggy, what have you got on Rembrandt Brown? Ziggy: I'm ten times smarter and a lot more fun to be with! Al: Besides that. Ziggy: Rembrandt Brown: Also known as the crying man. A singer if I'm not mistaken, from the year 1997. Al: What's he doing in 2372? Ziggy: It looks like he's been caught up in a strange and twisted parody concocted by someone who has way to much free time on his or her hands. Al: Ready the imaging chamber. Ziggy: It's ready now, Al. [in the shuttle] Al: Sam... Sam: AL! Chakotay: Did you say something Rembrandt? Sam: No. It was a hiccup. Al: Sam, your name is Rembrandt Brown, you're a singer from 1997 who was transported into the future. Sam: The future!? Wade: Huh? Sam: Sorry, I was just clearing my throat. Al: Hey, are we in a spaceship? Sam: Al, why am I here? Chakotay: That is a very good question, Mr. Brown. Ancient Pooptoe Indians believed that we were her to care for the earth otherwise known as... [Chakotay continues rambling] Al: Ziggy says that there is a 50% chance you are here to save the universe from total destruction. Sam: [whispering] What's the other 50% Al: That's odd. Ziggy says that there's a 50% chance that you are also here to have sex with someone named Kathryn Janeway. Sam: SEX!!!??? Kes: Thanks, maybe later. [On the Sulaco] Janeway: Harry? Can you hear me? Kim: mmmmmMMMFFFFFfffff!!! Tuvok: Captain, unless we get back to Voyager, Harry will die. Janeway: NEWS FLASH TUVOK!!! If we get back to Voyager, we are all going to die anyway!!! Quinn: Calm down Captain! Janeway: I will NOT calm down!!! No one ever cares about me! No one cares that I'm a woman with needs of her own! NO!!! All I ever hear is, "Oooo Captain, the Kazon are coming!" "Ooooo Captain, I want to have a baby!" "Ooooo, Captain, can you do that thing with your tongue again?" Arturo: No one cares about you. Janeway: everyone expects you to be strong... Arturo: ...smart... Janeway: ...upright... Arturo: ...beautiful... Janeway: ...you too... Quinn: Ahem! Janeway and Arturo: [mere seconds from a kiss] WHAT!? Quinn: Guys, please! Not in front of the alien! Chakotay: [on comm] Chakotay to Janeway! Janeway: Chakoatay!!! Is that you!? Chakotay: Either that or I'm one hell of an impressionist! Janeway: Commander, is the shuttle in range to use the emergency transporters? Chakotay: Yes. Janeway: Excellent! Beam us up! [Janeway and company beam away] Janeway: Chakotay! Get us back to Voyager! Harry's going to die if we don't! Chakotay: really? Oh darn! Look at that! The uh... engines just broke. Paris: What a shame! Looks like Harry's a gonner. [BOOM!] Paris: What was that? Tuvok: It would appear that the Kazon ship has opened fire on us. Neelix: WHAT? Quinn: Guess Seska's pretty miffed about the professor pulping her boyfriend. [WHAM!!!] Paris: Setting a course back to Voyager! Janeway: What do you mean!? I thought you just said the engines were broken! Paris: Jeez! Cut me some slack woman! [The shuttle blasts away toward Voyager. One of the Kazon's shots goes wide and strikes the shuttle] Janeway: REPORT!!! Paris: We are all going to die. Janeway: Thanks sunshine. Janeway to Voyager! Torres: Torres here. Captain? I thought you were dead! Janeway: No, we've got the timer back, but it looks like the Kazon are going to blow us up before we can reach the ship! Can you beam us on board!? Torres: [evil-like] You have the timer? Sure! Sure! I can get all but one of you! Paris: I'll stay. Janeway: No Tom, we need you to stay here. Torres! Beam us up! [All but Paris beams away] Paris: All right, let's see if you bastards can go WARP TEN!!! [The shuttle speeds up and then vanishes at incredible speed. Later, in sickbay...] Janeway: HE DID WHAT!? Chakotay: He used your office to make a person communication. What's your problem? Janeway: Nothing, I'm just a little on-edge since Tom Paris flew that shuttle to warp 10. Doctor, when we get Tom back, can you help him? Doctor: No... Janeway: No? Why? Didn't you take notes from last time? Doctor: Yes, but I threw them away, based on the assumption that no one on Voyager would be stupid enough to fly that shuttle again. Obviously, I was wrong. Janeway: How's Harry. Doctor: He seems to be ok. The alien is just holding on to him. Maybe it's a primitive form of the French Kiss. Janeway: I see. Doctor: If I were you, I'd be more worried about Mr. Brown. Janeway: Rembrandt? Why? Doctor: He has been spending an awful lot of time talking to his imaginary friend, "Al." Janeway: Probably just a phase. [Meanwhile...] Quinn: YES!!! I barely have enough time to fix the timer and seal the rift, but I can do it! I am the MAN!!! [WHAP!!! Quinn is knocked out by Torres, who picks up the timer and grins] Torres: I'm more of a man than you'll ever be Mallory! And with this timer, I can get home! Screw Janeway! Screw Voyager! AND SCREW THE DELTA QUADRANT!!!! Will Torres screw the Delta Quadrant, or just get everyone on board Voyager killed? Will Arturo and Janeway finally hook up? Can Dr. Beckett prevent the destruction of the universe? Find out tomorrow! Same bat-time, Same bat-channel!!! TO BE CONTINUED!!!!