The galaxy at it's wackiest... SPACE: BEHIND AND BETWEEN by Jason "Stop Me Before It's Too Late" Donner Part Thirteen - Episode Title: "We'll Always Have Paris, Dammit!!!" Previously in our story, Tom Paris had accidentally taken his shuttle to warp ten to save Quinn, Arturo, Janeway, Neelix, Tuvok, and Harry who had went to the Kazon ship to retrieve the timer. He has yet to return. Meanwhile, back on Voyager, Torres stole the timer from Quinn and together with the help of Zowie, the evil leaper, is hooking the timer to the warp engines to slide Voyager back to the Alpha Quadrandt. The baby alien finally busted out of Harry, but thanks to the Doctor's vast medical knowledge, Harry lived. Elsewhere, Janeway is forced to handle more unexpected visitors... Marty McFly and Doc Brown and most of the crew from Babylon 5. Later, Al tells Sam that Zowie is on board. When Sam proclaims that he is not Rembrandt Brown, but a quantum scientist from 1999, the Doctor rules him insane and throws him into the ship's loony bin. [Sam is being dragged away by two security guards as Al helplessly watches] Al: Sam! Do something! Sam: Like what Al? Guard1: Who are you talking to? That imaginary friend of yours? Guard2: Shut up! Look at that thing down the corridor! Al: Sam, this could be trouble! [The alien crawls out of a tube and stars at the two guards. It's drooling.] Guard1: Do you know what this means!? Guard2: No. Guard1: That's a completely new form of life. This is a first contact situation! We're going to be famous! We'll be in all of the magazines! Time! Life! People! Guard2: Better Homes and Gardens! Guard1: [slaps Guard2] Let's try to talk to it. Alien: [drooling and hissing] Guard1: [eloquently] Greetings! I am Guard1 of Starfleet. On behalf of the United Federation of Planets and stuff, I'd like to welcome you aboard the Intrepid-Class ship, USS Voyager. Alien: [continues staring and drooling] Sam: [sneaks away while guards are distracted] Guard1: Didn't you understand me? I said I'm welcoming you aboard! What's wrong with you!? ¿Se Habla Espanol? Klakto Bara Nikto? AHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Alien: [Pounces on Guards and devours them] ------------------------ COMMERCIAL BREAK Announcer: Who is John Lawless? Quinn: Who cares? Announcer: Who are you guys? Wade: We're the sliders! And this John Lawless thing is going to take our time slot, isn't it? Announcer: Err... Uhhh... Wade: Isn't it!? Announcer: YES!!! Maggie: Let's beat him up and take his wallet! [The sliders beat the shit out of the announcer] Announcer: Who... is... (ow) John Lawless!? [Announcer collapses] ------------------------ [On the bridge, Janeway, Chakotay and Arturo are speaking with the delegation from the White Star, Sheridan, Ivonova, Delenn, and Marcus.] Sheridan: So, what you're saying is that you guys are stuck 70,000 lights years from Earth and it will take you 70 years to get home. Janeway: Yeah. Ivonova: I'm confused... Why don't you use a jumpgate? Chakotay: Yeah, captain, why don't we use a jumpgate? Janeway: I don't even know what a jumpgate is! Chakotay: Because she doesn't even know what a jumpgate is! So there! Sheridan: Well, to put it simply, a jumpgate is a shortcut through space. Janeway: Like a wormhole? Sheridan: What's a wormhole? Arturo: A wormhole is a great big blue gateway between parallel dimensions. Janeway: No, a wormhole is a shortcut through space! Delenn: On Minbar, a wormhole is a hole dug by a worm. [the table grows silent as all eyes fall on Delenn. Meanwhile, in engineering...] Quinn: You fools! If you don't let me fix the timer, that rift outside will blow up and destroy us all! Zowie: He's lying! Quinn: Am not! Kim: Hi everybody! Torres: HARRY!!! What the hell are you doing here!? I thought you were in sickbay!!! Kim: I was, but the doctor fixed me and I got a really cool scar! See? Quinn, Zowie, Torres, and Thames: OH GROSS!!! Torres: Harry, go pester the captain! Kim: Okey dokey! [Harry skips away] [back on the bridge] Tuvok: May I help you? Marty: We want to see about getting our DeLoren back. Doc: Yeah, we've still gotta fix the future! Tuvok: You are IN the future! Doc: I don't mean this future! I mean our future! 2015! Tuvok: Which is the past. Marty: No, it's the future. Tuvok: Not anymore. You see... you've come to a point where the future is the past. Doc: So, what you're saying is that the future is the past? Tuvok: Correct. Marty: Then what's the past? The future? Tuvok: No, it's... Doc: The present? Tuvok: No... you are confusing me! Doc: How about we just forget about this whole conversation? Tuvok: Good idea, it's all in the past. Marty: You mean the future. Tuvok: WHATEVER!!! Kim: Hi Tuvok! Tuvok: Bite me. Marty: Hey! You're the guy that alien worm busted out of! Kim: Yep!!! I'm a Daddy now! [Neelix, Vader, and Wade enters] Tuvok: I must remind you all that this is the bridge and not a cheap sci-fi con! I'm going to have to ask you to leave! Wade: Tuvok, it's Quinn! Tuvok: What is it? Wade: He's missing and so is the timer! Tuvok: That is irrelevant. Wade: If the timer isn't fixed within a half hour... all of the universe will explode! Tuvok: Oh... Janeway to the bridge! [Sam and Al enters] Sam: I need to speak to the man in charge! Rick Berman: That's me. Sam: The captain, you idiot! Rick Berman: Sorry. Janeway: What's going on here? Sam: Captain, I have something important to tell you! I am not Rembrandt Brown, I am Dr. Sam Beckett of project Quantum leap. I come from the year 1999 and I've been sent here to stop the destruction of the universe! Janeway: How? Sam: By stopping Zowie, my evil counterpart! Janeway: Zowie? Chakotay: Gesundtite. Sam: She has leaped into a crewmember like I have. Janeway: Which one? Sam: I don't know... I won't know until I touch whoever it is. Janeway: This seem an awful lot to swallow at once. Al: I knew she wouldn't but it. Sam: Yes she will! Janeway: Who are you talking to? Sam: My invisible assistant, Al. Janeway: That does it! Get this loony off my bridge! [Tuvok grabs Sam and drags him to the turbolift. The doors open to reveal...] Kim: Hi everybody!!! All: Oh... MAN!!! Kim: Hi Sam! Sam: You called me Sam!!! You see captain? The little genetic fluke here can see me!!! Al: Can you see me, Harry? Kim: Of course I can see you Al! Janeway: He's telling the truth! You are a time traveler! Marty: Whoopdy-doo. Sam: We must find the evil leaper! She's no doubt responsible for Quinn's disappearance! Wade: But, where do we look? Kim: Engineering. Wade: It's speaking to me! Ewwwww! Arturo: What do you mean, Engineering? Kim: I saw Quinn tied up down there and Belanna and some chick where messing with the timer! Sam: Did they have a guy with them dressed as dumb as Al? Al: HEY! Kim: Yeah. Sam: That's Zowie! Janeway: Computer: Who is in engineering? Computer: Torres, Mallory, and Kes... dear. Wade: Zowie must have leaped into Kes! Neelix: THAT BITCH!!! Sheridan: We must stop them captain! The fate of the entire universe is at stake! [Janeway strips down to a tank top and pulls out a phaser-bazooka] Arturo: Hubba! Hubba! Janeway: Let's kick some ass! [All of the various sci-fi characters begin crowding into the turbolift] Tuvok: Captain, look at this. I believe that Mr. Paris's shuttle is returning from warp 10! Janeway: Took him long enough! Tractor it into the shuttlebay and come with us! Tuvok: What about the other ships? Janeway: What other ships? More have come out of the rift? Tuvok: Yes. The Discovery, the Eagle, The Heart of Gold, something called a T.A.R.D.I.S., Some fat guy claiming to be the devourer of worlds, assorted extras from Space: Above and Beyond, The X-Men, The X-Files, Buck Rogers... Janeway: Ignore them. Tuvok: Thank god! [All crowd into the turbolift] Sam: Mr. Tuvok, I have knowledge of Tai-Kwan-Do and Judo. Tuvok: That will come in handy. I am well versed in Klingon and Vulcan Martial arts. Marty: I can throw a mean punch. Vader: Wade and I can use the force. Sheridan: All of my crew can defend themselves. Arturo: Anybody messes with me, I'll sit on them! Janeway: I have my bazooka and breasts to distract the enemy. Wade: The enemies are female. Janeway: Oh, crap! What about you Chakotay? What fighting technique do you use? Chakotay: I just drop to the floor, roll up in a ball and scream, "NOT IN THE FACE!!! NOT IN THE FACE!!!" Wade: What a wus. Is Chakotay a wus? Can this group of mismatched marvels make mice meat out of mean miscreants? What will become of Tom Paris? Will the rift destroy everything and everything!? What will happen next? Will Jane find out that Greg's twin brother is the father of her kidnapped baby? Stay tuned!!! TO BE CONTINUED!!! [This installment of SPACE: BEHIND AND BETWEEN has been brought to you by your Chevy dealer. Have you pushed a Chevy lately?]