A Far Time Ago, in a Galaxy Long, Long Away... SPACE: BEHIND AND BETWEEN by Jason Donner Part Fourteen - Episode Title: "Fuh Q" When we last left our group of misplaced characters, Torres had stolen the timer from Quinn in the hopes of sliding Voyager back to the Alpha Quadrant. Right now, she is holding Quinn hostage with Kes (Who is in reality, Zowie, the evil Quantum Leaper) whose real intention is to destroy the universe by allowing the rift in space to explode. Harry Kim, who is recovering after having an alien bust out of his chest, happened to wander by engineering and saw everything that was going on, so he went to the bridge and tattled. Janeway, now aware that Rembrandt Brown is, in reality, Dr. Sam Beckett and that Kes is the evil leaper, gathered her rag-tag army of Sliders, Star Warsians, Balylonians, and whatever else was on the bridge at the time to put an end to Torres evil once and for all. As we return to Voyager, Captain Janeway is telling Torres to surrender... or else!!! Janeway: Surrender Torres... or else!!! Torres: Your threats do not scare me! Quinn: Captain Janeway! She's going to destroy everything!!! You have to stop her! Janeway: Don't worry, Quinn.... The odds are in our favor! What are the odds of us winning this fight Tuvok? Tuvok: 5,683 to 1. Wade: Did you take into account that we have Harry on our side? Tuvok: 23 to 1. Kim: HEY! Janeway: Enough! Surrender now! Torres: [to Zowie] She's right. They're going to kick our asses! Zowie: Not to worry. [to Janeway] Do you honestly think that YOU are the only one gathering allies from the rift, Captain? Well, YOU are a fool! Ever since I arrived, I've been gathering the most hideous and evil villains that the multiverse can offer! BEHOLD!!! [A door behind Zowie opens revealing a dozen Cylons, a dozen Kromaggs, the Rippers from the movie Tank Girl, Logan St. Claire, Howard Stern, Leona Helmsly, and Biff Tannen.] Zowie: HA!!! Not only do I have an army too, but I outnumber your army by four!!! HA HA HA!!! Deetee: Uhh... excuse me. Zowie: Nothing can get in my way, nothing I tell you! NOTHING! Deetee: Excuse me. Zowie: I am the.... WHAT? What do you want!? Deetee: Uhh... Us Rippers are good guys. Zowie: You serious? Deetee: Totally Baby. T. Saint: Yeah, what's wrong with you!? Didn't you see our movie? [mummers echo through engineering. The only discernible word is, "no"] Zowie: Get a clue ugly... NO ONE saw your movie!!! Logan: I did... I thought it rocked. Zowie: YOU STAY OUT OF THIS!!! So you guys aren't evil? Rippers: No. Zowie: You are good? Rippers: Yes. Zowie: Then get over there with Janeway's lackeys! [The Rippers comply] Arturo: Just what the devil are you guys? Donner: I'm glad you asked... you see, prior to the year 2033, there was this big war and to win it the army created the ultimate soldier by combining the DNA of people and kangaroos. We are the result. Booga: [giggling] We're the ultimate soldier! Zowie: Ok, are all of the evil and good people on the side they're supposed to be? All: Yes... Zowie: Are you sure? Because I don't want to have to stop later. All: You won't... Zowie: Great... now, where was I? Quinn: You were about to untie me and let me go. Zowie: Torres, is he telling the truth? Torres: What? I wasn't paying attention... I was playing with my Game Boy. Zowie: GIVE ME THAT!!! Fine Mallory, I'll release you. Quinn: Sucker! You fell for my deception!!! Har! Zowie: Well, in that case, I'll leave you tied up! Quinn: Aww, CRAP!!! Arturo: Quinn, gloat AFTER you're freed!!! Zowie: Ok now, where was I? Oh yes... You cannot stop me Janeway!!! We will be triumphant! ATTACK!!! [The two armies charge at each other prepared for Mortal Combat until...] Jason: STOOOOOOOP!!! Janeway: What now? Torres: Who are you!? Jason: My name is Jason Donner and I'm the guy writing this story! Janeway: So YOU'RE the one! Zowie: What are you doing here!? Jason: I've come to stop this parody. All: WHAT!? Janeway: Stop the parody... but... but why? Jason: You really gotta ask me that? Look, I started out writing a cute Sliders / Voyager crossover... you know, I thought it would be cute. But then, it got out of control! I kept writing and writing and writing and writing and writing and writing and writing and writing and... [Wade slaps Jason] until I couldn't stop. Look what I've done to you guys... Torres, your a little aggressive, but you're not evil. And Zowie... I'm not even sure if I've been spelling your name right! What is it? Zowie? Zoe? Zowee? Whatever! This parody must end. Right here and right now! Tuvok: He does make a logical point. Logan: Let's kill him! Janeway: No! He's the writer! If he is harmed, this story would be completely out of control! [Torres whips out a phaser and vaporizes Jason] Wade: What the hell!? Torres: He was annoying! Tuvok: She does make a logical point. Zowie: ATTACK!!! [The two armies clash and begin fighting] ---------------------------------------------- COMMERCIAL BREAK You've seen Diagnosis: Murder team up with all sorts of other TV shows. There was Diagnosis: Matlock and Diagnosis: Mannix now, prepare yourself for the X-Files / Diagnosis: Murder crossover... DIAGNOSIS: MULDER!!! Join Dick Van Dyke and Fox Mulder as they battle extraterestrials! She Dick diagnose the cigarette smoking man with emphizemia! She Mulder beat the shit out of Scott Biao! DIAGNOSIS: MULDER!!! followed by the Friday the 13th / Touched by an Angel crossover! ---------------------------------------------- [The fighting continues. Marcus is whacking people with his stick, Darth Vader is crushing some Kromagg's windpipe, Logan is hovering over Chakotay who is screaming, "NOT IN THE FACE!!! NOT IN THE FACE!!!" Sam and Wade are beating up Howard Stern and Leona Helmsy, and Marty is getting his head beat in by Biff] Biff: HELLO!? HELLO!? ANYBODY HOME? Janeway: Quinn! Are you Ok? Quinn: Ahhhhh... Owwwww... Ahhhhhhh! Janeway: Are you in pain? Quinn: Yes!? You're standing on my crotch! Janeway: Sorry, here... let me untie you! Quinn: Thanks! Captain, I have to fix the timer! Where is it!? Janeway: Wade has it. Quinn: Wade, give me the timer! Wade: [punches Howard Stern] Catch! [throws timer] Zowie: [catches timer] I'LL take that! Janeway, Wade, and Quinn: HEY!!! Stern: Hey Wade, do me a favor and take your top off! Wade: [knees Howard in the groin] SAM!!! Zowie's got the timer! Al: Did you hear that Sam!? Sam: [holding Leona Helmsly by the neck] Yeah, I heard! I'm coming! [Elsewhere in the ship, Zowie and Thames runs into the shuttlebay with the timer with Janeway, Quinn and Sam in hot pursuit] Janeway: It's a dead end Zorro! Zowie: Zowie! Janeway: WHATEVER! Give it up! Zowie: Never!!! HA HA HA!!! Thames: You tell 'em baby! Sam: Shoot her! Janeway: I can't, It'll kill Kes! Sam: No it won't! You'll shoot Zowie and then Kes will leap back in! Janeway: Ohhh... Alright! [Janeway fires her phaser knocking Zowie up against the shuttlebay wall] Thames: Oh.... CRAP!!! Lothos, get Zowie out, NOW!!! Zowie: I'll get you Janeway!!! I'll get you!!! [Zowie is surrounded by red electricity... when the energy subsides, Thames and Zowie are gone and Kes is back] Kes: Captain? Janeway: Kes! Kes: [horrified] CAPTAIN!!! Janeway: KES!!! Kes: RUN! [Janeway, Quinn, and Sam turn to see the alien hovering over them. Everybody runs and ducks into various Jefferies tubes except for Janeway who runs into a cargo hold and slams the door. Kes frantically searches for a hiding place, but the alien is too fast. The alien bares it's teeth and goes in for the kill. Suddenly, the cargo hold opens up revealing Janeway in a Power Loader.] Janeway: Get away from her, YOU BITCH!!! [Janeway and the alien lock in a heated combat. Quinn opens the shuttlebay doors and Janeway flings the alien into deep space.] Janeway: Let's get back to engineering. [In engineering, the battle continues... Logan is beating Darth Vader over the head with the energizer bunny, Kim has annoyed two of the Cylons to the point of malfunction, and the Rippers have torn Biff Tannen to shreds. Janeway, Quinn, Sam, and Kes enter] Neelix: It's the evil leaper!!! Get her! [Neelix punches Kes out] Sam: Neelix, you just punched out Kes. The evil leaper is gone. Neelix: I'm going to be in deep shit for this one... aren't I? Kes: Oooooh yesssss! Janeway: Torres! We have the timer! Now, call off you troops! Torres: Never! [Everyone in the room except Janeway, Torres, Quinn, and Sam freezes in place.] Sam: What the...!? Did someone sit on the remote? [Q appears] Janeway: Q!!! What is the meaning of this? Q: I just thought that the lady-captain would like to know that she blew it! Janeway: Blew what!? Q: You blew it! You ran out of time! Quinn: WHAT!? Holy crap! He's right! The timer's expired! Sam: which means...? Quinn: WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE!!! Will everyone die? Can Janeway and he crew find some loophole? Is Neelix in deep shit? Will Q lend a hand? What will happen next in the mind bending finale of SPACE: BEHIND AND BETWEEN!?!?!?!?!?!?!? TO BE CONCLUDED!!!!!