Space: Behind and Between The Uncalled for Sliders / Star Trek: Voyager Crossover by Jason Donner Part two - Episode Title: "Those Darn Kazon!" When we last left our heroes, the sliders had just arrived in the mess hall of the USS Voyager. All seemed to be going well until a few of those biomedical gel-pack thingies broke and the weapons crashed just when a Kazon ship was coming in at high warp. As we rejoin our heroes, Neelix is escorting Wade, Quinn, Arturo, and a slightly lobotomized Rembrandt to sickbay... Rembrandt: [drooling] Ouuuuuugh... huh huh huh... Neelix: What is this guys problem!? Quinn: He had his brain sucked out by a master supervillian. Neelix: Really? I had my lungs removed. Wade: Yeah, and we're very proud of you. Listen, Nylon... Neelix: Neelix. Wade: Whatever... where is this hospital of yours? Neelix: Just around the corner. Believe me, our doctor is one of the best in the galaxy. Quinn: Why hasn't he done anything about your face then? Neelix: What's wrong with my face? Arturo: Let's just say we could save time by telling you what's NOT wrong with it. [In sickbay...] Doctor: I've been putting a lot of thought into choosing my name Kes, and I believe I've found the perfect one. Kes: Really? What is it? Doctor: Think about it, we are lost in space... right? Kes: Right. Doctor: Since we are lost in space, I believe my name should be... Dr. Smith! [waits for a laugh that never comes] Kes: Dr. Smith is a nice name. Doctor: It was a joke, Kes. Kes: I don't get it. Doctor: Dr. Smith was a character on a TV show called, "Lost in Space!" Kes: If you say so. [Enter Neelix, Quinn, Wade, Rembrandt, and Arturo] Neelix: Activate Emergency Medical Holographic Program!!! Doctor: No need Mr. Neelix, Kes has already turned me on. Neelix: She did WHAT!!!??? Doctor: You know what I mean. What's the problem? Quinn: Our friend here had his brain sucked out and then put back in but he's still acting like a babbling idiot. What should we do? Doctor: Get him a job as a television network executive. Rembrandt: Auuuuuuuughhhhhh... Kes: Doctor! Doctor: Doh, all right. I changed a frog into a helmsman, Surly I can get this guy's brain working right. [The Ship Shakes...] Arturo: What was that!? Doctor: Hmm, sounds like the ship is under attack. Kes: Again? This is one of the most exhausting seasons I've ever had to go through! Arturo: Perhaps I can help the dear Captain Janeway. Quinn: She's a starship captain professor, surely she knows what she's... Professor? Rembrandt: He just left. Quinn: Rembrandt! You're ok! Rembrandt: Yes! And now I must be off Lois! This looks like a job for Superman! [he tries to fly off the operating table, but crashes on the floor] Kes: Doctor? Doctor: Don't give me that look! I'm not finished yet. Superman, can you get back on the table please? [Back on the bridge, Captain Janeway is trying to fend off the attacking Kazon ship by some really cool evasive maneuvers] Tuvok: Captain, the Kazon are hailing us. Janeway: On screen! Seska: Hello Captain, it's been a long time. Janeway: Oh... great... it's Seska. [The bridge crew mumbles like a group of cool kids when a geek sits near them] Seska: Captain, I couldn't help but notice that you haven't shot at us. Is something wrong with your weapons? Janeway: No... No, everything's fine here. Nothing's wrong. Kim: Yeah! Nothing's wrong with the gel packs! Seska: The gel packs? Who said anything about the gel packs? Janeway: Harry! Harry: Sorry. Seska: So, the gel packs are failing. How convenient for us! Torres: Captain... Janeway: So what if we don't have any weapons! We have shields! You can't get onboard with our shields up! Torres: But, Captain! Seska: According to our sensors, you have no shields. Janeway: There! You see! You can't get on... [a pause] Tuvok? Tuvok: Yes captain? Janeway: Did Seska just say that we have no shields? Tuvok: I believe she did. Janeway: Ok, thanks. [another pause] Belanna? Torres: Yes captain? Janeway: Why did our shields just fail? Torres: We've had another two gel packs fail! We are sitting ducks! Janeway: I see. [Everyone begins to panic] ---------------------------- COMMERCIAL BREAK [Grace Lee Whitney appears on the screen] Grace: Hello, would you like to make more money? Of course! We all would! That's why I'm urging you to enroll in Starfleet's Commercial Correspondence College! You can take courses right in the comfort of your own home in Warp Field Theory, Transporter Basics, First Contact Protocol, Air Conditioning Repair, or earn degrees in Starship Command or Accounting. Don't wait! Call today! 1-800-I-1-2-B-A-CAPTAIN-2! ----------------------------- [Back on the bridge] Arturo: Ahoy! What's going on up here. Chakotay: Panic! Extreme and total panic! Arturo: I see... well, is there anything I can do to help? Chakotay: You can slap Harry for an hour. Arturo: Right-o! Which one's Harry? Janeway: Enough! Everyone! Stop panicking! [The bridge grows eerily silent. Suddenly there is a muffled boom] Janeway: What was that? Tuvok: It was a muffled boom. Janeway: I know that! What caused it!? Tuvok: The Kazon has launched one of those missile ships at us. It's punctured deck 5 section 32. Janeway: Deck 5, section 32... That's...! [in sickbay, the missile ship has made a huge hole in the Doctor's office. Dozens of Kazon begin disembarking] Wade: Doctor... Uh, I'm sorry, but I never did catch your name. Doctor: I don't have a name. Wade: If you say so. [points to Kazon missile ship] Is that supposed to be here? Doctor: I'm too busy rewiring your friend's brain to look up at this moment. Kes, what is it? Kes: It's one of those Kazon missile thingies. Doctor: Oh... Culluh: I am Mage Culluh! Quinn: Hi. Wade: Hi. Rembrandt: Oh, it's the tooth fairy! Come to me little tooth fairy. Culluh: What's his problem? Kes: It's a long story. Culluh: It always is. Ok, people, you know the drill. We are the Kazon. We what all major technology that we don't have yet. So hand it over! Doctor: Look, I don't have any major technology here that you'd be interested in. Why don't you guys go and pester Captain Janeway for a while? Culluh: We will, after we take that thing. Quinn: What thing? Culluh: THAT thing! [points to timer] Quinn: No! Culluh: No one tell Mage Culluh no! Sic 'em boys! [Dozens of Kazon pile on top of Quinn punching and kicking. Rembrandt, now convinced that he's Mike Tyson jumps into the pile. Quinn, in the meantime, has crawled out without the Kazon noticing. Suddenly, Tuvok and a security teams arrives.] Tuvok: Freeze! Put your hands in the air and empty your pockets onto the floor! [Everyone does so] Wade: Not you, Quinn! Quinn: Oh, sorry. Tuvok: At last, we have you Mage Culluh. You are going to spend at lot of time in our brig! Culluh: I think not!!! [Throws a pellet on the floor which explodes in a cloud of thick fog. When the fog clears, the Kazon, their ship, and the timer are gone] Tuvok: Dammit! Rembrandt: What a horrible turn of events! Quinn: Rembrandt? Is that you? Rembrandt: I think so. Wade: Well, that one good thing! Who where those guys and why did they take our timer!? Tuvok: They are the Kazon. They are obsessed with acquiring new technology and frequently raid our ship for it. Rembrant: Your chief of security must be an idiot. Tuvok: I am the chief on security. Rembrandt: I rest my case. Wade: Guys! Guys! GUYS! What are we going to do about our missing timer? We only have about five hours until we slide! Quinn: Wade, I'm sure captain Janeway will help us any way she can. [Meanwhile...] Arturo: You know Kathryn, I never believed in love at first sight until today. Janeway: Look professor, I'm flattered, but I really don't have the time! Doctor: [over intercom] Doctor to Captain! Janeway: Janeway here! Doctor: Captain, these sliders are griping at me because the Kazon stole their timer. Anyways, I'm just throwing the problem at you. Janeway: Thank YOU so very much. Arturo: Kathryn, without the timer, we can't get home! Janeway: Don't worry professor! We can't allow that technology to remain in the hands of the Kazon! It would violate the prime directive! Mr. Paris! Set in a pursuit course for the Kazon vessel! Warp nine! Torres: Captain, another gel pack has broken. Warp engines are off-line. Janeway: Shit! Fine! Fix it! Kim: Are we there yet? Everyone: NO!!! Will the sliders get the timer back from the evil Kazon? Is Rembrandt really Rembrandt? Will these mysterious malfunctions continue to plague Voyager? Will Captain Janeway return Arturo's affections? Where is Carmon San Diego? What is KFC's secret ingredient? Who DID write the book of love? Stay tuned to find out! TO BE CONTINUED!!!