Space: Behind and Between The Uncalled for Sliders / Star Trek: Voyager Crossover by Jason Donner Part three - Episode Title: "The Nutty Professor" Last time on "Space: Behind and Between", the USS Voyager, plagued by mysterious gel pack malfunctions was boarded by the Kazon. Fortunately, thanks to the quick acting security team lead by Tuvok, the Kazon were turned back, stealing only the slider's timer. Janeway gave the order to pursue the Kazon ship, only to have the warp engines fail, leaving them stuck in the middle of nowhere. [back on the bridge...] Tuvok: Captain, I have a theory. Janeway: What is it? Tuvok: It is a hypothesis derived from all known data to solve a problem, but that's not important right now. Arturo: Out with it man! Can't you see that the lovely captain is waiting!? Tuvok: Indeed. Professor Arturo, am I correct in assuming that the contents of the wicker basket you brought on board was some sort of a dairy product? Cheese perhaps? Arturo: Half eaten. Tuvok: Of course. Captain, it would seem to me that we are running into the same problem we experienced in episode #17 when the cheese Neelix cooked caused a harmful strain of bacteria to invade and incapacitate the bio-nueral gel packs Janeway: Tuvok, are you saying what I think you're saying? Tuvok: Logically, what you think I am saying should have been what I just said unless you are suffering a hearing impairment. Janeway: You're saying that the cheese that was in the slider's wicker basket vaporized and caused a strain of bacteria to invade the gel packs? Tuvok: Yes. Janeway: So, all we have to do is fire up the warp engines and kill the bacteria like we did last time! Tuvok: She can be taught! Janeway: Mr. Paris! Fire up the warp engines! Paris: Right! Arturo: There, you see! It's like I've always suspected, Captain Janeway is one of the most intelligent and lovely people on the ship. Janeway: Shut up. Arturo: I beg your pardon? Janeway: I said shut up! This whole icky mess is your fault! You and those sliders! So just shut up! Arturo: Oh fair Kathryn, what have I done to deserve such a... uhh... Paris: Brush off? Arturo: Brush off. Yes, thank you. [The heartbroken Arturo runs to the turbolift and leaves.] ------------------------------ COMMERCIAL BREAK [Bill Gates is sitting in his office working at a desk, he looks up at the camera and acts surprised.] Bill: Oh! Hi, I'm Bill Gates. Many of you know me as the founder of Microsoft. Many of you know me as a leader in the fields of communications and computers. Now, I want to be known as supreme overlord. Think about it, it makes perfect sense. I'm smart, therefore I'm better than all of you. I'm ruthless, therefore I'm a natural leader, and I'm disgusting rich! So, go to the polls and vote... Bill Gates! Supreme Overlord of Everything!!! Political ad paid for by Bill Gates. Bill: Oh, and by the way, while I was sitting here making this commercial, I made more than the gross national product of many small countries. I just thought you'd like to know that. ------------------------------ [The Voyager raises it's nacelles and begins heating up the ship. Meanwhile, in sickbay, the effects of the heat are being felt by all, except the Doctor] Quinn: It's getting awfully ripe in here. Rembarndt: Yeah, can't we roll down a window? Wade: When are we going to get our timer back!? Doctor: Enough! I'm busy thinking and I can't do that with you people whining! Quinn: What are you thinking about. Kes: The Doctor is trying to think of a name. Wade: Why? Doctor: I don't have one. Wade: So, you need a name. How about Dr. Strangelove. Doctor: No. Quinn: Dr. Feelgood. Doctor: No. Rembrandt: Dr. Giggles? Doctor: No. Wade: Dr. Dre? Doctor: No. [on the bridge...] Tuvok: Temperature is approaching 55 degrees Celsius! Mindy: Hiya Mr. pointy eared man. Whatcha doing? Tuvok: I am raising the temperature on the ship. Mindy: Why? Tuvok: I am doing it to kill off a potentially damaging form of bacteria. Mindy: Why? Tuvok: Because the bacteria is harmful to Voyager's bio-neural gel packs. Mindy: Why? Tuvok: Because, just like organic matter, the gel packs are susceptible to infection. Mindy: Why? Tuvok: Because they just are! Mindy: Ok, I love you! Bye-bye! [Mindy skips away] Chakotay: Cute kid. Tuvok: Indeed. [a pause] Chakotay and Tuvok: CUTE KID!? [in sickbay...] Quinn: How about Dr. Brown? Doctor: For the last time NO! [Arturo enters] Wade: Oh, hey professor. Why the long face? Arturo: I've just had all of my hopes and dreams crushed right before my eyes. Rembrandt: Did they throw you out of one of those all-you-can- eat restraints again? Arturo: No! It's Captain Janeway. I-I feel that my love for her is unrequited. Rembrandt: What did he say? Wade: Just a minute, let me get my Intellectual-to-English dictionary. Ah! Here it is. He loves Captain Janeway, and she barely tolerates his existence. Rembrandt: Oh... Arturo: If only... I could find something... anything that could melt her heart and make her mine. Doctor: I have a suggestion. Arturo: Anything at all. Doctor: I said I have a suggestion. Arturo: Anything at... what did you say!? Doctor: I have a suggestion on how to make Captain Janeway fall in love with you. Wade: Why are you going to help the professor for? Doctor: I've noticed lately that Captain Janeway has been acting a little more than uptight lately and it is my duty to see that it does not interfere in her ability to command. Therefore, it is my professional opinion that Captain Janeway needs to get laid. Quinn: Beg your pardon? Doctor: The professor is the perfect man for the job. Quinn, Rembrandt, Wade, and Kes: Ewwwwwwwwww! Arturo: I am? Doctor: Yes, and considering we have nothing better to do with our time while the ship has turned into a raging inferno... let's take a look at why none of the other men on Voyager is right for our Captain. First, we have Commander Chakotay. He does not require sex because he has that psycho-whazzit that takes him on those stupid vision quests of his. Arturo: He's a junkie. Doctor: Basically. Next we have Tuvok, much like yourself, he mates only once every seven years. Only with him it's by choice. Next, we have Lt. Tom Paris... handsome... athletic... charming... Arturo: What's wrong with him? Doctor: He and the Captain morphed into frogs and did it already. The whole experience left him so scarred that I believe he's turned gay. Arturo: What about you? Doctor: It's not in my programing. Arturo: Oh... What about that Harry Kim fellow. Doctor: Harry and the Captain? [The sickbay erupts with laughter at the thought of Harry with the captain (or any woman for that matter). Meanwhile, on the bridge...] Tuvok: The entire ship has been cleared of the bacteria. Janeway: Excellent! Set a course for the Kazon ship and engage at full impulse. [Quinn, Kes, Wade, and Rembrandt enter the bridge] Janeway: What are they doing here? Kes: The Doctor and the professor were discussing something kind of disgusting so we decided to come up here before we threw up. Janeway: I see... well, you'll be happy to know that We've completed repairs on the ship and we're off to get your timer back. Quinn: That's great! Wade: [whispers] Harry and the Captain! [Kes, Quinn, Wade, and Rembrant bust up laughing. The rest of the bridge crew looks on, obviously confused. Back in sickbay, Arturo and the Doctor have collapsed on the ground due to the extreme fits of hysteria] Arturo: Ohhh... Mercy! Now, seriously, How am I to win Captain Janeway's heart? Doctor: Simple... buy her a puppy. Arturo: Where the hell do I find a puppy in the Delta Quadrant? Doctor: Replicate one. Arturo: I thought a replicator couldn't make living organic stuff. Doctor: Normally no, but considering most of the laws of nature that have been twisted or otherwise ignored to make this parody work, I think we can do it! [In engineering, the evil Belanna Torres is plotting...] Carrey: Hiya Bellanna! Whatcha doing!? Torres: Plotting. Carrey: 'Bout what? Torres: I was just thinking. Whatever the technology is that sent the sliders to the Delta Quadrant is, it might be able to send us back to the Alpha Quadrant! Carrey: I would seem to concur! So what's your plan? Torres: When we get the timer back, we hook it to our warp engines and "slide" back to Earth! Carrey: Great plan, but what if the sliders don't want you messing with their timer? Torres: We won't give them a choice! [Bellana erupts in a cacking fit, not unlike the famous witch from, "The Wizard of Oz"] Will Bellanna steal the sliders timer in a selfish attempt to get home? Will Arturo give Janeway, "The Doctor's prescription"? Will everyone stop making fun of Harry's non-existent sex life? Where is the lost contient of Atlantis? Why is ABC's TGIF lineup so succesfull? ¿Donde' esta Coca-cola, Texas? Stay tuned to find out! TO BE CONTINUED!!!