Space: Behind and Between
The Uncalled for Sliders / Star Trek: Voyager Crossover
by Jason Donner
Part six - Episode Title: "The Attack of the Killer Cameos"
[When last we left our heroes, their attempt to retrieve the timer
from the Kazon has gone awry, creating a gigantic rift in space that
is threatening to destroy the entire galaxy. While Janeway, Quinn,
Neelix, Kim, and Tuvok prepared to board the Kazon ship via a
shuttle, a strange heavily-damaged ship tumbled out of the rift
containing the one-and-only Darth Vader who now has the
boarding party on the floor of the shuttlebay choking]
Janeway: [choking] Who... are... you? Why are... you... doing
this?
Darth Vader: I am Lord Vader and I am doing this because you are
obviously part of the Rebel Alliance hoping to take me prisoner.
Janeway: What Rebel Alliance? I... [gag] don't know... what
you're talking about!?
Vader: Really? Well... [releases the group] I guess I owe you an
apology. Thankfully though, being evil means never having to say,
"I sorry."
Tuvok: I see, Mr. Vader...
Vader: Lord Vader.
Tuvok: Whatever, what do you remember before we brought you
on board our vessel?
Vader: Well, let's see... I was about to blast this smarmy little
Skywalker kid, when this big ugly ship came in and caused the
pilot on my left to panic. He hit me... I went tumbling off into
space... and then those steeenking Revels blew up my pretty Death
Star!!!
Janeway: How horrible!
Quinn: Though break man.
Vader: Then [sniff] I threw up in my helmet.
Kim: Ewwwww!!!
Janeway: [patting Vader on the back] Mr. Vader...
Vader: [sniffle] Lord...
Janeway: Right... You've been though an awful lot. Why don't
you follow that nameless security guard there and he can take you
to sickbay.
Vader: Ok...
[Vader and the Security Guard exit]
Quinn: Captain, we are in trouble! The rift is growing and
opening doors to other dimensions!
Janeway: You mean that's where that Dart Heaver guy came from?
Quinn: Darth Vader
Janeway: Whatever.
Quinn: Yes, and unless we close it, we'll be getting more visitors
from other dimensions!
Janeway: Then, we have no time to loose! Let's go! Where's
Harry?
Tuvok: He's sitting in the shuttle's pilot seat making airplane
noises.
Janeway: Fine, let's go!
[All enters the shuttle that promptly takes off. Meanwhile, in
engineering...]
Torres: Mr. Brown, I was wondering if you could tell me a few
things about your timer.
Rembrandt: I can try.
Torres: The power source: is it microelectrical or polythermal?
Rembrandt: Uhh... the first one. Microphone.
Torres: I see. What is the exact ratio between activation time
same eletrodynamic flux capability?
Rembrandt: Uhh... four.
Torres: Four?
Rembrandt: Four.
Torres: [fed up] Ok, you can go now.
Rembrandt: Why do you want to know all of that junk about the
timer.
Torres: No reason. Just curious.
Rembrandt: Oh. Ok. [exits]
Torres: Yes, Mr. Brown, I'm just curious. I'm curious on how to
hook the timer to our warp engines to slide the entire ship to the
Alpha Quadrant so I can pursue my own selfish ways! No one can
stop me!!! Not even that bitch Janeway!!! HA HA HA HA HA
HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAA!!!!
Rembrandt: I walked into a storage closet by accident. What's so
funny?
Torres: Ohh... I was remembering a joke I heard yesterday.
Rembrandt: Oh. Ok! [exits]
Torres: [laughs quietly]
--------------------------------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Hello, do you know us? We are the Borg. We roam the galaxy
assimilating alien cultures and technologies, but when we are
caught short on cash, that's when we use our Visa Card. Visa
offers a cash back bonus award for every culture we destroy. Visa
-- Because we'll assimilate you're culture, but we won't assimilate
American Express. Visa, it's everywhere we want to be!
--------------------------------
[On the shuttle]
Janeway: We are approaching the Kazon ship.
Tuvok: Captain, are you all right?
Janeway: I'm fine. These chairs are awfully uncomfortable.
Neelix: I feel comfy.
Quinn: Me too.
Tuvok: As do I.
Kim: Are we there yet?
Janeway: Maybe it just needs to be broke in. [Janeway jumps up
and down on the chair]
Chair: Oof! Oww! Oof!
Janeway: What was that?
Tuvok: They appear to have been cries of pain.
Janeway: I believe you are right, Tuvok! Do you know what this
means!? It means that this chair has developed sentience! It's
alive!
Chair: Get off me!!!
Janeway: Of course, Mr. Chair. I'm captain Janeway of the United
Federation of Planets. On behalf of...
Chair: Help me!!!
Janeway: Help you? How?
Chair: I can't get out!!!
Janeway: What? I'm confused.
Quinn: I don't think that the chair has developed sentience captain.
Janeway: What other explanation could their be?
Chair: You... BLISTERING IDIOTS!!!
Quinn: I think we have a stowaway.
[Quinn pulls a rather ragged-looking Arturo out from under
Janeway's chair]
Quinn: Professor, what are you doing here?
Arturo: I came for Kathryn. I couldn't let her board that nasty ship
without me to protect her.
Janeway: Harry, turn the shuttle around!
Quinn: Captain! We don't have time to drop him off! We have to
slide in under three hours!
Janeway: Fine... Professor Arturo, you may come along.
[In sickbay, The Doctor and Darth Vader are talking as Kes and
Wade look on]
Kes: I wouldn't worry about it Wade, Tom Paris is nothing but a
gigantic hormone roaming around the ship. He even hit on me
once.
Wade: How did you get him to stop?
Kes: When he learned I was going out with Neelix, he stopped
bothering me.
Wade: YOU are going out with NEELIX?
Kes: Yes.
Wade: But why, I mean... why?
Kes: He has a good heart. Plus, he doesn't know that it is
customary for the Ocampa female to devour her mate after
marriage.
Wade: I see... so all I have to do is convince Tom Paris I'm seeing
someone else. But who?
Doctor: ...so you see, it is my professional opinion that Captain
Janeway needs to get laid.
Vader: An interesting theory Doctor. Perhaps that is the problem
with that bitch Leia.
Doctor: I've asked professor Arturo to assist, but so far he has had
minimal results.
Vader: I do not have time for this, Doctor. I must return to my
universe and rebuild the Empire.
Doctor: To which Empire do you refer?
Vader: THE Empire.
Doctor: That's rather unclear. Here we have many Empires. The
Klingon empire, the Romular Empire, The Empire State Building.
Vader: INFIDEL!!! FEEL THE POWER OF THE FORCE!!!
[begins trying to choke the Doctor]
Doctor: Why are you doing that thing with your hand?
Vader: I am choking you.
Doctor: I see. Kes, make a note. Patient suffers from delusions of
grandeur.
Vader: Why isn't this working!?
Doctor: Perhaps you are crazy.
Vader: I am not! I am a Jedi Knight!
Doctor: A what?
Vader: A Jedi Knight!!! We are the all powerful masters of the
universe!
Doctor: You mean like the Q?
Vader: The who?
Doctor: No, the Q.
Q: Did someone call me?
Kes: Q!
Wade: Gesundtite.
Kes: No! It's Q! He's an all-powerful being who wants to sleep
with Captain Janeway!
Doctor: Oh yeah!!! Q, I have a proposal for you.
Q: A proposal for moi?
[Darth Vader is trying to choke Q in the background]
Q: Oh, do cut that out, ugly. It's rather annoying.
[Vader buries his head in his hands and begins weeping]
[On the shuttle...]
Janeway: There... We've landed the shuttle on the Kazon ship.
Tuvok: I will use the lazer drill to cut us an opening.
[Tuvok cuts open an opening in the shuttlecraft's floor, through
which all of the group crawls through]
Quinn: Ok, we're in. Now what?
Culluh: WHAT ARE YOU PEOPLE DOING HERE!!!
[The group turns to see Mage Culluh sitting on a toilet holding an
issue of "PlayKazon" and a rather nasty gun]
Janeway: [Weakly] Oh, we didn't know anyone was in here!
Will Janeway and her raiding party escape Mage Culluh? Will
they get the timer back and stop the gigantic hole in space? Will
Darth Vader remaster the force choke? Will Torres steal the timer
for herself? And what about Q? What's up with him? Who put
the bop in the bop shoe wop boo bomp? Who put the ram in the
ram ah lamb a ding-dong? Stay tuned to find out!!!
TO BE CONTINUED!!!!