Space: Behind and Between The Parody That Just Won't Go Away!!! Part Seven - Episode Title: "The Incredible Bulk" [This episode of "Space: Above and Between" is being brought to you by your local Coca-cola bottlers who remind you: Drink Coke, because milk sucks.] In our last installment, Quinn, Neelix, Tuvok, Kim, Arturo, and Janeway secretly boarded the Kazon ship to retrieve the timer only to accidentally tunnel into the Kazon's bathroom where they were caught by Mage Culluh. Just a few reminders: Arturo is in love with Janeway, Tom Paris is in love with Wade, Darth Vader is a nervous wreck, Torres still wants to steal the timer, Q is on board, and Chokotay... well... he really hasn't been in this story much. Poor guy. Let's go to the bridge and see what he's doing. Chakotay: Ok, Mr. Paris, I've got another one. Paris: Please no. Chakotay: Knock, knock! Paris: No. Chakotay: Oh, come on! Knock, knock! Paris: [sigh] Who's there? Chokotay: Doctor. Paris: Doctor who? Chakotay: No, just Doctor, thank you. Paris: I don't get it. [notices something] Commander! Something new is coming out of the rift. Chakotay: Another ship like that Dill Pickle guy? Paris: Darth Vader... No, it's... it's bigger! [A huge ship emerges from the rift] Chakotay: Wowie Zowie! Lookie at that! Paris: I'm not picking up any life signs or power signatures. It looks like it's been abandoned. Chakotay: Good. That's one thing we're not going to have to worry about what with the Kazon, Sliders, and Dark Jedi running all over the place. [On the Kazon ship, Culluh and Seska are gloating over their prisoners] Seska: I admire your tenacity Captain Janeway. Many people know when to quit and walk away... but not you! Janeway: What? Seska: I said you don't know when to quit. Janeway: I know that. What does tenacity mean? Tuvok: Seska, I do not see how you, an ally with the Kazon, should lecture us about not being able to quit. By all accounts, we should have gotten out of Kazon space months ago, but you people just keep coming back! Janeway: Tuvok, it's all right. Calm yourself. Tuvok: I will not calm myself!!! It defies all known logic!!! There're Kazon everywhere!!! They're... They're in my head, man!!! GET THEM OUTTA MY HEAD!!! GET THEM OUT!!! Quinn: He's losing it! Janeway: Everyone! Take cover! He's suffering from Ah'Krok'Ah'Shitt!!! It's a rare Vulcan brain disorder! Quinn: Huh? Kim: She means Tuvok's going crazy! Right Captain? Janeway: Yes honey. Seska: We must get out of here Mage!!! You have no idea what a crazy Vulcan might do! Culluh: I will not be told by a woman what to do!!! [WHAM! Tuvok hits him with a chair] Ouch! Seska! He hurt my wittle head! Make it better! [Culluh and Seska make a hasty departure. Tuvok finally stops ranting and raving] Janeway: Tuvok! That was brilliant faking a nervous breakdown like that to make Seska and Culluh leave! Pure genius! Tuvok: Yeah... uh... it just kinda... came to me. Quinn: I hate to interrupt this mutual admiration festival over here, but we have to find the timer and fix it in less than three hours! Janeway: You're quite right! Lead on! -------------------------- COMMERCIAL BREAK Now on video... COPS: DOUGHNUT PATROL. See the scenes we couldn't show you on TV! See the dramatic tension as officer Mitchell chooses between Boston Cream or Eclair! See the horror as Officer Bob spills his coffee. See the danger as Officer Williams is overcharged by the cashier! It's COPS: DOUGHNUT PATROL!!! Singer: Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do when they come for you? --------------------------------- [Back in the Voyager's sickbay, Kes, Wade, Q, Vader, Rembrandt, and the Doctor are killing time.] Doctor: [To Darth, Rembrandt, and Q] ...so you see, it is my professional opinion that Captain Janeway needs to get laid. Rembrandt: Sounds like a perfectly plausible theory. Q: Indeed. Vader: [sniff] I can't choke you. Q: Yes, well... do us all a favor and choke yourself. Wade: Doctor, you're wrong. Doctor: I beg your pardon? Wade: You're wrong. Sex isn't the answer to everything. Rembrandt: It's not? Wade: No. You say that Captain Janeway is irritable, jumpy, and overall in a bad mood all of the time? Doctor: Yes. Wade: Has any of the crew ever invited her out to dinner? Doctor: Well, no. Wade: Ever asked her how she was feeling? Doctor: No. Wade: Has anyone offered to just be her friend? Doctor: [looking at the floor] No... Wade: There you go. Captain Janeway doesn't need to get laid. What she needs is friendship, understanding, and... ack! Doctor: Ack? What's ack? Wade: [Choking] Doctor: What's wrong with you? Wade: [Choking and pointing frantically at Vader] Doctor: Mr. Vader! Vader: Lord. Doctor: Whatever! Release her this instant! Vader: Look! I got my force choke back! Doctor: ...and we are falling all over ourselves in joy. Now, release her! Vader: As you wish. Kes: Are you all right Wade? Wade: [cough] Yeah. [to Vader] That was awesome. Can you teach me how to do that? Vader: The force choke is not a toy. It's is a carefully executed maneuver of power and control. Wade: Yeah, well... I've got ten minutes. Vader: The secret is in the wrist... [Back on the Kazon ship] Quinn: [searching through a pile of junk] I found it! Arturo: Good work my boy! Quinn: The timer's pretty damaged. It'll be a miracle if I can fix it in the three hours I have. Janeway: Let's get back to Voyager. Seska: [holding a phaser] Not so fast! Janeway: Fine. Everyone! Let's go to the shuttle slowly. Seska: You're not going anywhere! Especially the fat professor over there. Arturo: What did you all me? Seska: Fat! Arturo: Do not make me angry Madam. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry. Seska: [sarcasm] Ooooo, the big fat English guy is gonna get angry with me! Ooooooo, whatever shall I do!? Arturo: [doubles over in pain holding his stomach] Auuugh! Quinn: Professor? What's wrong!? [Arturo's head pops up revealing that his eyes have turned yellow. He continues to yell as his skin color changes to green and his muscles bulge] Arturo/Hulk: HULK SMASH!!! [Arturo/Hulk picks up Mage Culluh and throws him in the bulkhead shattering it and sending the Kazon's broken body tumbling into space.] Arturo/Hulk: ...AND DON'T COME BACK!!! [Arturo/Hulk goes for Seska who runs away, locking the door behind them. Arturo/Hulk bangs on the door over and over, but even his superior strength can't break it down.] Arturo/Hulk: HULK SMASH!!! HULK SMASH!!! Janeway: Does he do that often Quinn? Quinn: As far as I know, it's the first time I've ever seen him do that! Tuvok: Captain, we have the timer. I do believe that it is time to make a hasty retreat back to Voyager. Janeway: You're right Tuvok. Professor, we have to go. Arturo/Hulk: HULK SMASH!!! Janeway: Hulk can smash later. Right now, we have to go! Arturo/Hulk: HULK SMASH!!! HULK SMASH!!! Neelix: Captain, perhaps if you baited him along with your feminine ways? Janeway: Ick. Oh, all right! Arturo, If you come with us, I'll let you give me a kiss... Arturo/Hulk: Kathy kiss Hulk? Janeway: Uhhh... yeah, but first you have to come back to the shuttle with us. [Arturo/Hulk morphs back into Arturo] Arturo: Okey-dokey. [Goes for a kiss] Janeway: [stops him] NOT yet. First we have to get back to Voyager! [A few short minutes later, the shuttle departs the Kazon vessel] Janeway: There, it looks like we're home free! [WHAM!!! The shuttle is hit by weapons fire] Janeway: What in the wide-wide world of sports was that? Tuvok: it appears that Seska is shooting at us. Janeway: WHAT!? I thought their weapons were supposed to be disabled! Who's job was it to de-activate the Kazon's weapons? All: Harry. Janeway: Harry, you're grounded! No Nintendo for a week! Kim: Awww, MAN!!! Arturo: Can we make it back to the ship? Tuvok: No, but I do believe we can do an emergency transport to that big scary-looking ship before the shuttle blows up. Quinn: Well then, what are you waiting for!? Do it n-- [The shuttle explodes in a tremendous fireball and pyrotechnics] OH NO!!! Has Quinn, Arturo, Neelix, Kim, Tuvok, and Janeway brought the proverbial farm? Will Wade be seduced by the dark side of the force? And just what was that scary-looking ship that came out of the rift? Does Shatner wear a wig? What is the deal with Michael Jackson? Why am I asking you this!? Stay tuned to find out!!! TO BE CONTINUED!!!