Space: Behind and Between A Parody of Extraordinary Magnitude by Jason Donner Part Eight - Episode Title: "Illegal Aliens" Previously in our story, Janeway and her boarding party consisting of Quinn, Arturo, Tuvok, Neelix, and Kim successfully managed to get the timer away from the Kazon. However, attempting to escape from Seska's ship, the shuttle is fired upon and is supposedly destroyed before reaching the haven of a strange ship that had just come out of the rift. Darth Vader is teaching Wade the dark side of the force. Tom Paris is goopy for Wade. Torres wants to steal the timer to get the Voyager home. And now, on with the show... [On the scary ship, Janeway, Tuvok, Neelix, Kim, Arturo, and Quinn materialize in a transporter beam] Quinn: ...NOW!!! Huh? Neelix: Wow, that was close! Tuvok: Yes, an otherwise impossible transporter maneuver pulled off in less than .00023 seconds by me. If I were not Vulcan, I'd be pretty damned impressed with myself. Janeway: Good work Tuvok. Now... where are we? Arturo: It looks like a ghost ship. Tuvok: Judging by the scorched walls and missing escape pods, I'd say that this ship is a derelict. We should have nothing to fear. Quinn: If this ship is a derelict, how come we have oxygen. Tuvok: Don't knock it kid. Janeway: Harry, go see if you can find a control panel. Kim: Ok! [Harry goes skipping off] Janeway: Mr. Malory, can you fix that timer of yours with the tools on this ship? Quinn: I don't know. Maybe. I doubt it. Janeway: TRY!!! Arturo: Oh sweet Kathryn, I do believe that I've found something important over here. Janeway: What is it? Arturo: It looks like a computer. Janeway: Tuvok, see if you can get this computer working! Tuvok: I will try. [hits "on" switch] Neelix: Show off. Janeway: Now, see if you can pull up anything about the ship we're on. I want to know how the fire started, where the crew went and where the bathroom is. Tuvok: I am unable to call up anything but the ship's name. Janeway: What is it? Tuvok: it is what the makers of this vessel called this ship to distinguish it from others, but that's not important right now. Janeway: The NAME Tuvok, what is the NAME of the ship. Tuvok: Sulaco, captain. Janeway: Sulaco? [Eerie music, all eyes on Quinn] Quinn: Oh, sorry. I found a CD player with some Halloween music inside. [Back on Voyager] Vader: Now, you see, most people think that the secret of the force choke is to tense the arm muscle. It's not... relax. Wade: Ok, I think I've got it now. [A nameless ensign walks by and drops dead] Wade: [excited] I did it! I can use the force choke!!! Vader: Yes, it is a small step in a much larger journey. Next, I'll teach you how to yank blasters out of the hands of your enemies. Chakotay: [on intercom] Wade Welles and Rembrandt Brown... please report to the bridge. Wade: On our way. This'll teach Tom Paris to mess with me! [On the bridge] Rembrandt: Ok, we're here. What did you what to see us about? Chakotay: I'm afraid I have some good news and some bad news. I'm afraid that Your friends Maximillian Arturo and Quinn Mallory were lost along with Captain Janeway and Lt. Tuvok. Wade: Oh my God! Rembrandt: What about those other two guys? Harry and Neelix? Chakotay: They were lost too. That's the good news. Wade: [sobbing uncontrollably] I-I-I never told him how much I-I loved him!!! Boo-hoo!!! Rembrandt: Now, now, Wade, I'm sure the professor knew. Wade: NOT THE PROFESSOR!!! QUINN, YOU IDIOT!!! Rembrandt: Oh. Paris: Wade, I'm truly sorry. Wade: Pardon? Paris: I said I'm sorry about your friends. I truly am. Wade: Tom. I-I don't know what to say! I was going to choke the snot out of you with the dark side of the force when I came up here, but know I see that there is a kind, loving, gentle person hiding behind that jerky act you're always putting on. Thank you. [Wade hugs Tom] Chakotay: Come on you two, grab a camcorder. Let's break the news to Kes. [Chakotay, Remmy, and Wade leave] Wade: [Off camera] Oh, what the hell? [Tom Paris drops to the floor choking as the scene fades to black] ---------------------------------------------------- COMMERCIAL BREAK ---------------------------------------------------- [On the Sulaco] Tuvok: This is what we have been able to ascertain so far. Number One: We are on a ship called the Sulaco. Number Two: This ship is used primarily to ferry troops, however at the time of evacuation, only four people were on board. Number three: There is evidence of a second lifeform on board. Janeway: Your analysis? Tuvok: No thanks, I've already passed my drug test. Quinn: Other than that, we don't have a clue what's going on. Janeway: Right. Say, where's Harry? Neelix: You sent him off to find a computer console. Janeway: Oh yeah. HARRY??? HARRY??? Kim: COMING!!! Arturo: Any progress with the timer Quinn? Quinn: Not much. We slide in two hours and forty-five minutes. I can fix it in that amount of time with these tools! Tuvok: Mr. Mallory is correct. We must return to Voyager. [Kim comes running up hold a big pod] Janeway: Did you find any kind of control panel Mr. Kim? Kim: No, but I found this really cool pod in a broom closet. Quinn: Oh, MAN!!! That's gross! [All of the boarding party crowd around the pod pushing out Harry] Janeway: Tuvok, what do you make of it. Tuvok: I am at a loss captain. Arturo: It looks like something is moving inside! Kim: Really? I wanna see! Janeway: [ignoring Kim] Could it be some hostile lifeform? Tuvok: Possibly. It would keep this parody interesting at the very least. Janeway: I see your point. Kim: Lemme see! I wanna see! Quinn: Captain, I think we'd better be careful around this thing. Neelix: I agree with young Mr. Mallory here. This reminds me of the Heraccus fruit of Uddy Takie BooBoo IV. One bite and your head explodes. Janeway: Worse than tofu? Kim: I WANNA SEE!!! Arturo: Oh, do shut-up, you little twit!!! Janeway: Professor Arturo! How dare you pick on a sweet innocent like Harry! [to Kim] Honey, if you want to look at the grotesque pod, you go right ahead. Kim: Yaaay!!! Arturo: Blistering idiot. [Janeway, Tuvok, Quinn, Neelix, and Arturo walk off] Neelix: Why don't we send a com-message to Voyager? Janeway: Because all of the interference from the rift is garbling communications. Tuvok: Mr. Neelix, I do have an idea how to get a massage to the ship telling them how we are alive. I will need you help to do it, though. All: WHAT!? Tuvok: My student, Kes, has been homing her telepathic senses over the last two years. I believe that if I meld with Mr. Neelix, We should be able to contact her. Janeway: Why Neelix? Tuvok: He's her boyfriend. She might be more sensitive to him. Neelix: Sounds good. Quinn: Sounds desperate. Arturo: Sounds ridiculous. Kim: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Tuvok: Sounds like Mr. Kim just screamed in pain and terror. Janeway: Sounds... WHAT!!! OH MY GOD!!! HARRY!!! [Janeway and company rush over to the body of Harry Kim. He has what appears to be a beige crab creature attached to his face.] Quinn: It's a definite improvement, I'll say that much. Tuvok: Curious. The creature in the pod appears to be both predatory and parasitic in nature. Janeway: It could be killing him! We've got to get it off! Tuvok: I would not recommend it. Taking it off could kill Harry. Arturo: Than what are we waiting for? [begins pulling on facehugger] Tuvok: I suggest we get Mr. Kim to Voyager before it's too late. There, the Doctor can remove the creature and save Harry! Neelix: Yes, captain. Think about the benefits of having that creature! Janeway: Benefits? Neelix: Do you have any idea what a lobster like that sells for these days!? Will Neelix and Tuvok get the telepathic message to Kes? Will the alien face-hugger kill Harry? Can Quinn close the rift before it destroys the galaxy? Will Wade become a Dark Jedi? Will Seska return to kill Janeway? Will Arturo win Janeway's heart? Will Tom Paris win Wade's? Will Torres steal the timer? What the hell was I smoking when I came up with this parody? Stay tuned to find out!!! TO BE CONTINUED!!!