10 Rejected X-Files Spinoff Series 1. "The Ex-Files" -- Here, Mulder and Scully fell in love, got married and then had an ugly divorce. Still at odds with each other, they are shocked when Skinner reassigns them to work on the X-Files... Mulder: Scully, I believe that this debris could be the remnants of a UFO. Scully: So? Aliens don't clean up after themselves either. Mulder: Scully... Scully: You always were such a pig! Mulder: Well, at least I don't look like a cow, you bovine! 2. "The Tex-Files" -- Scully and Mulder's Texan counterparts in the FBI, Wooly and Buck, are assigned to investigate strange goings on in the Lone- Star State, only to be thwarted over and over again by the one and only, Boss Hogg! Wooly: Well, looky here Buck. Looks like we's done got ourselfs one of them UFO thangs! Boss Hogg: Thar ain't no UFO here! And if'ins you know what's good fer ya, you'd scedaddle! Buck: Boss Hogg, you ol' sidewinder, you can't hide the truth from us Texans much longer! 3. "Another Full House" -- Eve 8 and 9 are back and they've gotten adopted by the Tanner family! Watch the hilarity ensue! Bob Sagat: Eve and Eve, have you seen those adorable Olsen twins anywhere? Eve 8: We havn't seen them. Eve 9: Here Mr. Tanner, have a soda. 4. "The Hexed-Files" -- Funnymen Jim Carrey and Jerry Lewis team up to solve mysteries of the unknown! Jim: Well, it looks like we have ourselfs a genuine UFO here. Shall we investigate? Jerry: I do think that that.... well, that is I do beileve that we should. Jim: AAAAAALLLLLLLL Righty then! Jerry: (hit by alien weapon) Oh, that hurt! Oh I'm in much pain! Hurting not good! Jim: (talking with butt) ET, PHONE HOME!!!! 5. "The Sex-Files" -- This series, which would've aired on HBO never even got out of the pre-production stage with it's smutty "Dream On" formula. Scully: Come on Mulder. Mulder: I can't... I just can't! Scully: Mulder, everybody's doing it. Mulder: Ohhhh... Alright! I'll wear the condom. (For the sake of good taste, the rest of the sceen has been deleted) 6. "Northern Overexposure" -- This series picks up right where "Ice" left off as a new group of scientists return to the Icy Cape and unlock the secrets of the ice core. As you can see, it never had a chance... Scientist: It's cold. Another Scientist: Yeah... Dog: Arf. (an hour goes by) Scientist: Is it snowing still? Another Scientist: Yeah... Dog: Arf. (The sad part is that this was supposed to be the season finale!) 7. "X-Files: The Animated Series" -- Following in the steps of "Gargoyles", "The X-Men", and "Batman", the X-Files were on the edge of becoming a cutting edge animated series. Unfortunately, the rights to animate it were given to the same people who brought us "The Smurfs", "The Littles", and "My Little Pony", and this was the unfortunate result... Mulder: Look Scully! It's an alien, and he's lost! Alien: Boo-hoo, I cannot find my way home to the magic planet! Scully: The magic planet? Alien: (singing) The magic planet is very far away, It has a golden sun that shines on us each day! (I'd go on, but it's just so sickening) 8. "The XXX-Files" -- This was the first in a series of adult videos that were advertised in the back pages of "Gigantic Asses" quarterly. (Come on, you didn't actually think there'd be dialogue in this one, did you?) 9. "D.P.O. and the Dukes of Hazzard" -- Our electrified inbred friend is back and he's on the wrong side of the law as he escapes Sheriff Roscoe in the General Lee. DPO: Is that the flag of the confederacy painted on the top of this car? Bo: That it is little buddy! DPO: Don't you know that the Confederate States of America was all for keepin' blacks in the slavery? Daisy: Oh, come on DPO, it's all in good fun! DPO: Why don't you just paint them swastikas on the hood? Bo: Just shut up about the car will ya? DPO: I don't like this car anymore. (The General Lee explodes) ...As you can see, this was a one-episode deal. 10. "A Cancerman Christmas" -- Celebrate Christmas the old-fashioned way, in front of a roaring cigarette! Cancerman: I'm sure all of you little boys and girls out there are awaiting the arrival of Santa Claus who will, no doubt, be bringing all of you toys and candy and overall Christmas cheer. (Steps over to the fireplace where Santa is tied and gagged) Unfortunately, Santa has gotten a little sidetracked this year and he won't be making it to your house anytime soon. (Sits in Santa's lap) Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night. This special never aired because test audiences said it would scare kids from 4 to 30. As you can see, X-Files spinoffs are just a bad idea waiting to happen. My advice, keep it original! I thank you.