STAR TREK:
INSUR-WRECK-SION
A Parody of Star Trek: Insurrection
by Jason Donner
Before we begin the parody, let
me just say that I loved this movie. I
don't give a crap if you have joined the throngs of Star Trek internut fans who
have condemned Insurrection, I LIKED IT!!!
In this parody, I'm going to be making fun of the movie in a
light-hearted way. I will not be
maliciously tearing it apart. However,
I will be maliciously tearing apart the mighter-than-thou Star Trek
fanboys who are quickly making me despise the Star Trek internet fan
base. You don't like my views?
I do not care. What to write
me to tell me off? Let me save you
the time and give you my response now: Go
fuck yourself.
Now that THAT'S out of the way, enjoy the parody!
This parody may be redistributed
freely as long as it is not ALTERED or SOLD and especially NOT ALTERED, DAMMIT!!! You think you can alter it without me finding out about it?
I WILL! Startrekman!
I'm talking to you, you whore!
And now... the parody.
DORK: Hello.
You may be wondering who I am. Well,
my name is not important. My
friends call me "The Dork"... Okay,
I have no friends. But that isn't
important right now. All you need
to know is that I am what the layman calls a "trekkie".
I am the person who reviews episodes and picks nits on the internet.
What am I doing here? Well,
I am here to comment on the latest Star Trek movie, Insurrection.
This movie is terrible! TERRIBLE!
Why can't Star Trek do good movies like Starship Troopers
or The Avengers? Insurrection
was awful! Just ask Harry Knowles,
maintainer of the "Ain't It Cool" website.
HARRY: Insurrection
was terrible. I have a fat ass. My
mom was an alcoholic. That's my
review. Go see Lake Placid.
It was awesome. The best
movie of the year. [someone hands
Harry a large bag of money] And
after that, see the spectacular movie, The Haunting.
[Harry is handed another bag of money].
MAN: You're
a SELL OUT Harry!
HARRY: Inspector
Gadget sucks. See?
I'm no sell out. By the way, have you seen the best movie of the year, Wild
Wild West? [Harry is handed another bag of money and waddles his fat ass off
stage where he has a massive heart attack and dies.]
DORK: YOU
SEE!? An unbiased view! Now sit back and Enjoy Star Trek: Insurrection...
the lamest of the lame. I'll
be popping in every now and then to comment.
STAR TREK:
INSUR-WRECK-SION
Starring
Bald Smurf
Horny Smurf
Android Smurf
Doctor Smurf
Klingon Smurf
Blind Smurf
Counselor Smurf
with
Evil Smurf
Admiral Smurf
and
Really Old Smurf
We see a utopian world.
Everyone is happy and gay.
SIEGFRIED:
I love you.
ROY: And
I love you.
I mean "gay" as in "light and happy"
ROY: Hrumf!
SIEGFIRED: Come
on, Roy, let's go molest our tigers.
Siegfried and Roy leave.
We see dozens of villagers going about their peaceful existence making
bread, watering crops, and sacrificing virgins to the pagan fire god of Xanafiu.
Suddenly, there is a phaser blast and several children run out of the
woods.
CHILD: Run!
It's the Blair Witch! The
Blair Witch!
Meanwhile, up an an observation
booth, a bunch of Starfleet officers and a bunch of Aliens are watching the
events occur from an invisible booth.
OFFICER: What!
Did he say the Blair Witch!
ALIEN: I'm
scared! Hold me!
OFFICE: Only if you hold me.
The officer and alien clutch
each other. A commander walks over
and slaps them.
COMMANDER:
You IDIOTS! That's not the
Blair Witch! It's just that android
who came down to the planet to observe! He's
gone crazy for some reason! Besides,
The Blair Witch Project sucks ass!
OFFICER: Hey, he’s right!
The Blair Witch DID suck ass! What
are we scared of?
ALIEN: But…
I’m still scared!
COMMANDER: Don’t
be scared, dummy! Look!
It’s just that Data guy running amok!
The commander points to a
monitor which displays Data running amok in invisibility suit.
DATA: Amok!
Amok! Amok!
Amok!
Several other invisible men
attack Data who effortlessly throws them off.
COMMANDER: What
the hell is going on down there!? Where's
the rest of our invisible observation team!?
Meanwhile, in the women
villager's communal shower...
VOICE:
Oh yeah... Oh yeah...
WOMAN: There!
There's that voice again!
ANOTHER WOMAN:
You're imagining things. Here...
soap up my back.
VOICE:
Ooooooooh yeah.
Meanwhile, Data rips off his
invisibility suit and grabs a phaser. He
aims at a nearby cliff and shoots at it twice.
Nothing happens. Data looks
confused, turns to another cliff, and fires again.
Nothing happens. Data mumbles to himself trying to get his bearings and
then fires on yet another cliff. This
disables the cloaking devise on the Federation lookout tower and it becomes
visible. When this happens, all of
the invisible observers in the village becomes visible.
Meanwhile, in the shower...
VOICE: Oh
boy... Oh boy... oh... [he become visible] ...shit.
WOMEN: Get
him!
MAN: Auuuuugh!
The women kill him.
Meanwhile, the villagers react in horror to the observation team in the
VILLAGER #1: What the hell?
VILLAGER #2:
Spies!
VILLAGER #3:
We must kill them!
The villagers pile onto the
observation team and tear them limb from limb before eating them in honor of the
Bak’u god of fire. Meanwhile, out
in the vast vasty vastness of outer space, the USS ENTERPRISE-E swoops overhead. A bumper sticker can be seen on the back proclaiming “Thank
You For Not Watching The Phantom Menace”.
On board, Picard, Troi, Riker, and Crusher are going over the specifics
of their latest diplomatic mission. Crusher
is helping Picard
CRUSHER: Either you need a new collar or a new
neck!
PICARD: My
collar size is the same as it was in the academy.
CRUSHER: FINE!
Crusher buttons the collar
cutting off Picard’s air supply.
PICARD: Gah...!
ACK!
RIKER: We’d
better get down to the galley to meet our guests.
I just heard that they’re eating the caterers.
Everyone laughs, then freeze,
gasp, and run to the door. In the corridor...
PICARD: [turning
purple, tugging at collar]
TROI: [undoes
Picard’s collar]
PICARD: Thank
you counselor.
TROI: I’ve
been meaning to ask, captain, why are we letting this species into the
Federation if they’ve only had warp flight for a year?
PICARD: What
with our losses to the Borg, Dominion, and that fight with the Q Continuum that
happened last month when Trelane took over... [he looks at the camera] don’t
you wish you could have seen THAT? [back
to the others] ...the federations
feels we need all the allies we can get.
RIKER: That reminds me, the Koldarians want to
move op their negotiations with the Creeb a week.
Everyone gets into the turbolift.
PICARD: [sighs] Does anyone remember when we used
to be explorers?
RIKER, CRUSHER, & TROI:
[a beat] No.
The doors close.
On the next deck, the door open. Everyone
pours out of the lift fanning the air and coughing.
TROI:
Good God, Will!
RIKER:
[blushes]
WORF approaches the crew.
WORF: Captain...
CRUSHER: Worf!
TROI: What
are you doing here?
WORF:
A very interesting story counselor.
I was fighting a renegade hoarde of Jem Hadar in the Golath sector when
suddenly, the Defiant encountered a Doomsday Machine...
LaFORGE: [over com]
LaForge to Captain Picard!
RIKER: He’s
a little busy right now, Geordi. Can
I take a message?
LaFORGE: It’s
about Data...
Picard, Crusher, and Troi
continue down the corridor with Worf who is continuing his story.
WORF: ...and
so the talking bullfrog rebellion was crushed, the Oracle of Promiscuity was
returned, and I woke up on a shuttle bound for the Enterprise.
The film stops and the DORK
walks out.
DORK: You
see? You SEE!?
There they go INSULTING Trekkies everywhere? Was was Worf doing? How
did he get there? These are things
I want and need to know! I
couldn’t sleep for a week after seeing this movie!
Oh well.. back to the show.
Picard, Worf, Troi, and Crusher
walk into a room filled with Gungans from the movie STAR WARS EPISODE ONE: THE
PHANTOM MENACE.
PICARD: Greetings
I am Jean-Lus Picard of the Federation Starship Enterprise.
JAR JAR: Oooo...
Useah haven bombad good ship here.
PICARD: Excuse
me?
JAR JAR: Mesa
so glad tah be here!
PICARD: Feeling...
sick.
JAR JAR: Oh
no! Mesa step in doo-doo!
PICARD: So...
stupid! Getting dizzy!
JAR JAR: Mesa
big poo-poo head!
PICARD: I
CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!!!
Picard takes out a phaser and
blasts Jar Jar and the other gungans to smithereens.
Riker walks up.
RIKER:
Killed the Gungans, huh?
PICARD:
You’ll never see a race THAT stupid in any of our movies, Number One!
Unbeknowst to Picard and Riker,
a Paklid walks by in the background.
RIKER: Captain,
we’ve just got a call from Admiral Dougherty from a Son’a ship in the…
PICARD: What
the devil is a Federation Admiral doing on an alien ship and a hostile alien
ship at that?
RIKER: I
didn’t ask. Anyway, Dougherty’s
on a Son’a ship in Sector 031 and he’s requesting Data’s schematics. Apparently, Data’s running amok and Dougherty needs them to
shut him down.
PICARD: Amok,
eh? Well, this looks like a job for
the Enterprise! Hail Omicron VII
and tell them that they’ll have to deal with their planetwide famine for
another week or two. Tell them that
the Enterprise is dealing with more important matters!
The Enterprise jumps to warp.
Meanwhile, in the sticky, horrible, and trashy section of space known as
“The Briar Patch”, a huge Son’a ship explodes out of the nebula clouds and
towards a nice-looking ringed world. On
board this menacing ship, RU’AFO is lying on a medical table being attended to
by several beautiful women. ADMIRAL
DOUGHERTY is standing nearby wondering what Ru’afo is doing and where the hell
HIS beautiful women are at.
RU'AFO:
I really don't understand what your problem is, admiral.
Yes, so our plan will "theoretically" kill some people, but it
pales when you consider the benefits of what this new technology can do for the
universe!
DOUGHERTY:
Save it, Ru'afo! It's too
early in the movie to reveal that the planet below us
RU'AFO: Riiiiiight.
Listen, let's just blow up the android, okay?
I mean, he's a glorified toaster oven anyway played by a man with a big
ego.
DOUGHERTY:
But that android has a huge fan base!
RU'AFO:
So did Kirk and they killed him!
DORK:
It was a travesty what happened to Kirk!
RU'AFO: [to
beautiful assistant] My dear, would you?
The assistant smiles, walks over
to the Dork, and kicks him in the nuts. He
coughs and falls out of frame.
DOUGHERTY: Thank
you, Ru'afo.
Ru'afo rises from the table revealing that his face looks just like Michael
Jackson.
RU'AFO:
Sit down, Admiral. My
assistants will take twenty years off your face.
DOUGHERTY: Okay.
Dougherty sits down on the
table. One of the assistants walks
over and, with an eraser, erases the words "twenty years" off his
face.
DOUGHERTY: [rolls
eyes] Okay, that wasn't forced or anything.
Suddenly, the ship is rocked
SOME GUY: [over com]
Ru'afo! The ship was just
rocked!
RU'AFO: I
know that! You want to tell me why?
SOME GUY: We
appear to be under attack!
A few seconds later, on the
bridge Ru'afo and Dougherty arrive to see a small ship firing on them and then
turning away and running like a little wimp.
DOUGHERTY: That's
our ship!
We see the ship flying away from
the S'ona starship. Though the
window, we see Data with his pinkie held up to his mouth and one eyebrow in the
air. At that moment, the Enterprise
is nearing the Briar Patch.
RIKER: We're
nearing the Briar Patch, captain.
PICARD:
I can read, Number One. You
and what's-her-face... uh...
RIKER: Troi?
PICARD: Right,
you and Toy go to the ship's library and research everything that's been
documented about the Ba'ku, So'na, and electoral college.
While you're at it, see if they still have Madonna's book, Sex.
RIKER: Er...
I'm afraid it's... er... check out by persons unknown.
TROI: But
Will, we used it last night when we fu--
Riker elbows Troi and drags her into the turbolift.
PICARD:
Helm, take us in!
The Enerprise enters The Briar
Patch. As the clouds grow thicker and the lights dim, a pair of
fog-lamps are turned on. A few
minutes later, in the library Troi has found a book about the So'na.
TROI:
Will, look. I've found a
book about the So'na.
RIKER:
Let's see that.
TROI:
It says here that the So'na conquered two primitive races and integrated
them into their culture. It also
says that they conquered the Gungans for a time, but let them all go because
they were just so stupid.
RIKER: It
also says that they enjoy long walks on the beach, puppies, and long books on
cold nights. They also make large
quantities of Ketracel White which, as we all know, are used by the Jem'Hadar
who - at this moment of continuity - are wiping out the Federation as we speak.
TROI: I
don't understand.
RIKER:
Why we're doing business with these people?
TROI: No,
why we're here on some rinky-dink mission in the middle of nowhere saving a
measy 600 people when the future of the Federation is at stake.
DORK: My point exactly.
DEATH TO MICHAEL PILLAR!!!
The librarian comes along, grabs
the Dork by the ear, and drags him off camera.
TROI: My
god, his B.O. was overpowering!
RIKER: I
know. My eyes are watering.
The Enterprise continues to cut
her way through the Briar Patch. She
passes a sign that says "Planet Ba'ku - Exit 304 - Gas, Food,
Lodging". In Worf's
quarters, the massive Klingon snoozes.
WORF: [snore]
Oh, yes Jadzia... that teddy looks quite fetching.
[snort] Why yes, I will have a crumpet.
[snore] NO, NOG!
DON'T HIT ME AGAIN!
PICARD: [over comm] Picard to Worf!
WORF: [awakens]
What? Er, I mean... What, sir?
On the bridge.
PICARD: I
don't know how they do things on Deep Space Nine since I never have a chance to
watch the show, but here on the Enterprise we report on time.
WORF: [over
comm] Understood, sir. [snore]
PICARD: Wake
up Worf!
WORF: I'm on your way.
PICARD: Don't you mean you're on YOUR way?
WORF: That's
what I said, dumbass!
Picard walks over to LaForge.
PICARD: Geordi,
the aft stabilizers seem a bit off.
LaFORGE: [checks]
No, they're fine.
PICARD: They
are? Oh.
Picard walks over to a panel,
takes a chair, and smashes it.
PICARD: Check
it again.
LaFORGE: Hey,
you're right! The stabilizers are a
bit off. In fact, it looks like
they've been smashed! That's
amazing, sir.
Worf enters wearing pajamas and
holding a teddy bear. He takes his
station and goes back to sleep. Picard
looks at him with disgust. Suddenly,
the Enterprise is hailed by Ru'afo's ship.
LaFORGE: Sir,
we're being hailed by Ru'afo's ship.
PICARD: Open
hailing...
LaFORGE: Hailing
frequencies open.
PICARD: You
asshole!
DOUGHERTY:
[on screen] What did you call me?
PICARD: [scream]
No! No!
Not you, sir! I'm taking
about Lt. Asshole. Er, LaForge,
sir.
DOUGHERTY: I
see. Picard, it seems that Data's
"malfunction" has gotten worse. We...
PICARD: Why
did you do that?
DOUGHERTY: Do
what?
PICARD: Make
quotation marks with your fingers when you said the word
"malfunction".
DOUGHERTY:
I did no such thing!
PICARD: But
I saw...
DOUGHERTY:
Enough! As I said, Lt.
Data's "malfunction" has become...
PICARD: There!
You did it again!
DOUNGHERTY: I
don't know what you're...
RU'AFO: SILENCE!
Your android did serious damage to my ship!
It'll take weeks to get a new fender flown in from Japan and I'll be
damned if I pay for it! You'd
better have damn good insurance Picard!
DOUNGHERTY: I'm
afraid we may have to resort to terminating Data, Picard. He's grown too violent.
LaFORGE: Like
Ike Turner.
PICARD: If
Data is to be terminated. Let me do
it. I'm his commanding officer...
and his friend.
DOUGHERTY:
[a pause] Your definition of friendship is about as clear as Clinton's
definition of sex.
PICARD: [shrugs]
RU'AFO: It
doesn't matter! If Picard is
willing to terminate the android, let him!
At least we won't need this guy anymore.
Ru'afo points to a corner where Arnold Swartzenagger is dressed as the Terminator.
TERMINATOR: You'll
be back.
The Terminator exits.
DOUGHERTY: Very
well, Captain. Terminate Data and
end his "malfunction".
PICARD: There!
You just did it ag--
DOUGHERTY: DOUGHERTY OUT!!!
A shuttle launches from the
Enterprise and heads for the planet with Picard and Worf on board.
PICARD: Good
job, Worf. [he looks around]
Come out, come out, wherever you are...
WORF: Sir?
PICARD: Just
a little something my mother...
WORF: Stop
singing that or I will kill you.
PICARD: Understood.
The shuttle is rocked by weapons fire!
WORF: We've just been rocked by weapons--
PICARD: I
KNOW!
Data's shuttle flies by. Data looks at them, gives them the finger, and speeds away throwing mud on their windshield.
PICARD:
He
can anticipate combat moves and make obsene gestures.
That means his higher brain functions are intact.
I wonder how he'll react to something inane and stupid. [sings] Row, Row,
Row your boat... Gently down the stream! Merrily
merrily merrily merrily, life is but a dream.
Worf, put down the axe.
In the background, Work is about to lop Picards head off with an axe. He mumbles and tosses it to the side.
PICARD: Row,
row, row your boat. Gently down
the...
The shuttle is hit again.
WORF:
The
singing has pissed Data off even more, sir.
Now he is trying to kill us!
PICARD:
Oh,
fuck this!
Picard activates the grabby arm on the shuttle and grabs Data's ship.
PICARD: Worf,
go incapacitate Data.
WORF: Oh, sure! Now
that you've PISSED HIM OFF!
Worf grabs the potato and boards Data's shuttle. Worf sneaks up to him and shoves the potato up Data's butt. Data falls to the ground with a large grin on his face. A few minutes later, on the planet's surface, Picard, Worf, Riker, Troi, and Crusher beam down to negotiate for the release of Federation and So'na hostages.
PICARD: Come
on, let's negotiate for the release of Federation and So'na hostages.
TROI: [looks
at some children] They're minds are keenly focused, captain. I think that--
PICARD: [ignoring Troi] I'm captain Jean-Luce Picard of
the Federation starship Enterprise.
ANIJ: That's quite a long name there, Captain Enterprsie.
I'm Anij. Your android
friend told us that we and our culture are in great danger and that he would
protect us. I certainly hope you
didn't deactivate him or anything.
PICARD: Uh...
[pause] No, of course not. I have to... uh... go.
Picard runs away quickly calling for a beam-up. In engineering, Picard, LaForge, and Worf go to a broom closet where Data is being stored.
LaFORGE:
As
near as I can tell, Data didn't malfunction, he was attacked.
PICARD:
Attacked?
LaFORGE:
No,
attacked. I had to remove some
memory engrams from him, but I think he'll be okay.
LaForge walks over and turns Data on.
LaFORGE: [caressing Data's cheek] You know, mechanical
men really make me hot.
Let me rephrase that. LaForge walks over and REACTIVATES Data.
LaFORGE: Oh...
I knew that.
LaForge presses Data's on button. Data snaps to life.
DATA: Captain?
Geordi? [he sees Worf]
Uh...
WORF:
Worf.
DATA:
Worf?
What has happened? Why do I feel like I have a...
Data removes the potato from his butt.
DATA: Oh.
PICARD:
What's
the last thing you remember?
DATA: [singing]
Row, row, row your boat gently down the...
Worf flattens Data with chair.
WORF: Sorry captain.
PICARD: No
apologies necessary, Worf.
Data gets to his feet.
DATA: Wait,
I do remember something. I was
investigating a strange reading near a lake.
PICARD: Do
you remember where the lake was.
DATA: Yes,
there was a lot of water there.
PICARD: That
should narrow it down. Come on,
Data. Let's go ask that luscious
alien space vixen where this lake thing is.
Later, Picard, Data, and Anji venture to the lake.
DATA: There
is definitely an energy signature coming from the water sir.
I will attempt to drain the lake.
Data walks off.
ANJI: Where's
Data going?
PICARD: Oh,
he's found an energy signature in the lake.
He's gone off to investigate it.
ANJI: Well,
I hope he doesn't drain the lake or anything.
After all, we depend on this water for our crops and livestock, not not
mention our...
The lake drains revealing a cloaked ship inside.
ANJI:
Shit.
PICARD:
That
ship isn't supposed to be there, is it?
DATA: Uh..
no.
PICARD: Let's
go investigate it, shall we?
Meanwhile, on the Enterprise Troi and Riker take a bath together. Troi is shaving Rikers face and back when the viewscreen pops on. Dougherty appears.
DOUGHERTY: RIKER!
RIKER: GAH!
Riker shoves Troi's head under the soapy water.
RIKER: Yes, Admiral!
DOUGHERTY: Am catching you at a bad time?
RIKER:
No
sir!
Troi's arms pops out of the water waving frantically. Riker grabs it a shoves it back down.
DOUGHERTY: Where
is the Captain?
RIKER: Just
tying up a few loose ends.
DOUGHERTY: Well,
when you see him, tell him I want him out of the Briar Patch.
RIKER: Will
do, sir.
Troi's head pops up.
TROI: Will,
I can't breath!
Riker shoves her back down.
DOUGHERTY:
What
was that?
RIKER: What
was what, sir?
DOUGHERTY: Nevermind.
Dougherty out.
The viewscreen goes back. Troi's head comes back up.
TROI: Thank
god he's gone! I couldn't stand to
be under there a moment longer!
Riker shoves Troi's head back underwater and smiles.
Inside the holoship, Picard, Data, and Anji find a large holodeck displaying a holographic hologram of the Ba'ku village... in holograms.
PICARD: Oh
look! We're back in the village.
Obviously, we've entered some kind of an anomoly that's transported us
and will probably turn us into newts or something.
DATA: Actually,
we're in a holodeck.
PICARD:
I
knew that, I was just testing you.
ANJI: Who
would make a copy of my village and why?
PICARD: I
think the real question is, who would make a copy of your village and why.
No, this is becoming more and more clear to me.
Obviously, this ship was constructed to
house this holographic village so's that you and your people could be
transported to another planet. Lucky
we found it, huh?
DORK: Lucky
my fat pimply fanny! This was just
a poorly conceived plot twist! Why
wasn't the ship in orbit? Why
construct a holographic village? Why
not keep the villagers in stasis? Why
can't the Ba'ku and the So'na live on the same planet!?
It's a big planet and there's only 6000 Ba'ku!
Why don't the...
The dork is thrown out of the ship and into the water.
PICARD: Thank
you.
ANIJ: It was
nothing.
PICARD: Come
on, let's go tell the others what I've discovered.
ANIJ: By the
way, have you figured out that this planet makes you immortal yet? It's a veritiable fountain of youth thanks to the metaphasic
radiation thingies in the rings.
PICARD:
I
guess that would explain this.
Picard points to his head revealing a full head of hair.
PICARD: How
old are you, anyway?
ANIJ: Over three-hundred, but it's says 199 on my resume.
On the Enterprise, Dougherty and a pissed-off Ru'afo enters Picard ready room.
DOUGHERTY: Captain
Picard, I am most displeased that the Enterprise hasn't left or--
Ru'afo pushes Admiral Dough-boy out of the way.
RU'AFO:
I'll
kill you, you hear!? I'll kill you
and then hunt you into the netherworld just so I can kill you again! Now, leave this area of Federation space or we will destroy
you!
PICARD: You
know, I'm beginning to think that you're the bad guy in this movie.
We found the holoship.
Dough-boy and Ru'afo stand in shocked silence.
RU'AFO: I...
Wait for it.
Okay...
RU'AFO: [to
Dougherty] Why wasn't that fucking thing in orbit?
DOUGHERTY: Ru'afo,
perhaps you should...
RU'AFO: NO!
Ru'afo's face rips open revealing the face of Micheal Jackson circa 1980. He looks in a mirror and gasps in horror.
RU'AFO: [Michael Jackson voice] I must leave.
Eeee Heee!
Ru'afo moonwalks out of the ready room.
DOUGHERTY: You're
looking well, Jean-Luc. Being down
on the planet does wonderful things to you.
PICARD:
I
can't believe this. You're after
the Ba'ku's fountain of youth and in an odd-numbered movie, no less! You know the curse, Admiral!
The odd-numbered movies are the weak ones! How many odd-numbered movies will it take to convince people
that we need a stronger storyline? A
hundred? A Million?
HOW MANY WILL IT TAKE, ADMIRAL!?
DOUGHERTY: Look,
I want you to leave the Briar patch, right?
That's an order. Stick that
in your pipe and smoke it.
Later, in the Captain's Dingy Picard is loading supplies
when Riker, LaForge, Worf, Crusher,
RIKER: GAH!
Captain! What the fuck are
you doing here?
PICARD: What
am I doing here? What are you doing
here?
RIKER: [holds
up a keg] Thought we'd have a bitchin' kegger.
PICARD: No
time for that. I'm going down to
the planet to keep the Son'a from relocating the Bak'u.
CRUSHER: Oh,
well... good luck.
Everyone turns to leave.
PICARD:
Not
so fast! Riker and LaForge will
take the Enterprise out of the Briar Patch and tattle on Admiral Dough-boy.
The rest of you will come with me. We're
going to take the Bak'u to a more secure location.
WORF:
So, in
a sense, WE will be relocating the Bak'u... something we're trying to keep the
Son'a from doing in the first place. But,
to keep them from do what we're doing, we're going to be doing it first.
PICARD: Precisely.
Everyone, into the Captain's Dingy.
[To Riker and LaForge] We'll hold them off as long as we can.
LaFORGE: Bet
you fifty bucks they're dead before we get back.
RIKER: You're
on.
The Captain's Dingy launches. On the side, it has a sign
that says "Cool, huh?". The
ship flies down to the planet.
DORK: Hi,
it's me. The Dork.
I'd just like to say that Star Trek is dead even though it's had five
spin-offs, ten movies, and a devoted fan following. It's dead. Why?
Cause I said so. And now, back to the travesty that is Star Trek:
Insurrection.
A giant foot crushes the Dork. Meanwhile, on the EVIL Son'a ship!
SON'A SHIP: Hey, just because I'm manned by evil people does not, in fact, make me evil!
Fine! Meanwhile, on the Son'a ship, Ru'afo is...
SON'A SHIP: I mean, I was once used to deliver presents to orphans.
Right. On the S'ona...
SON'A SHIP: I just don't think you should be making generalizations.
Shut the fuck up! On the annoying Son'a ship, Ru'afo is meeting with Admiral Dough-boy.
RU'AFO: The Enterprise has departed.
DOUGHERTY: That's good!
RU'AFO: Before she left, the Captain's dingy was launched.
DOUGHERTY: That's bad.
RU'AFO: On board were less than a dozen officers.
DOUGHERTY: That's good!
RU'AFO: One of them is Picard!
DOUGHERTY: That's bad.
RU'AFO: Picard is leading over 600 people out of the village over open land. Easy targets for our transporters.
DOUGHERTY: That's good!
RU'AFO: Picard is also armed with class 8 subspace jammers with a range of over 10 square kilometers each that can block anything below a mark 10 bio-molecular transporter with micro-phasial hissinflammers.
DOUGHERTY: [A blank stare]
RU'AFO: That's bad.
DOUGHERTY: Can I go now?
RU'AFO: Our only hope for our plan to suceed is to stop the Enterprise from reaching the Federation to tattle on us. While we stay here and capture all the Bak'u villagers, I can send the other ships to destr... I mean, "persuade the Enterprise to turn around."
DOUGHERTY: Why did you do that?
RU'AFO: Do what?
DOUGHERTY: Make quotation marks with your fingers when you said "persuade the Enterprise to turn around."
RU'AFO: Admiral, I think it's time for your nap.
DOUGHERTY: Thank God!
Dougherty puts on a nightcap, grabs his teddy bear, and walks out the door.
RU'AFO: Shmuck.
The Dork Pops out.
DORK: Hi, ho! Let me explain the next few minutes of this cinematic cesspool. Picard and Anji fall in love, they find a cave, they go inside, Anji is trapped, Picard saves her, and then they get captured. How... PREDICTABLE!
Devour from Justice Squad leaps onto the Dork and starts tearing him to shreds.
DEVOUR: Rwar! Rwooor! ROAR!
SUBTITLE: Please read Justice Squad!
Meanwhile, the Enterprise is cruising through the briar patch when, suddenly, they are ATTACKED!
LaFORGE: Commander, we're being attacked!
RIKER: What can we do!? Is there some kind of phony baloney bullshit techno babble way we can puss our way out of this!?
LaForge leafs through a book.
LaFORGE: How about Phony Baloney Bullshit Techno Babble Solution #235-B?
RIKER: PBBTBS #235-B? Realigning the mesanflanic pissindoops to sync with the hissinflissin?
LaFORGE: No, that's 234-B! I'm talking about ejecting some explosive gasses at the other ships and letting it explode! See what I'm getting at?
RIKER: [Eating chili] But where are we going to find that much dangerous gas here? In space! At THIS hour!?
Riker farts.
LaFORGE: I have an idea.
The rest is best left to the readers ungodly imagination. Needless to say, they blow the absolute fuck out of the attacking ships.
Meanwhile, on the evil Son'a ship!
SON'A SHIP: Watch it!
Picard, Anji, and other captured prisoners are being held... uh... prisoner. Admiral Doughboy walks up to them.
DOUGHERTY: You've really stepped in it this time, Picard. Now we're going to have to take you back to the Federation for a court marshall!
PICARD: A court marshal! Great, let's go!
DOUGHERTY: Fine, I'll take you now!
ANJI: Yeah, but won't Picard alert the Federation to your evil plans while we're there?
A long pause. Picard slaps Anji.
Meanwhile, Ru'afo is getting his face stretched again when Dougherty walks up to him!
DOUGHERTY: Hey, this is getting scary! Picard almost outsmarted me and stuff! I think that we should just call the whole plan to drain all the lifeforce out of the Bak'u planet with your collector thingy!
RU'AFO throws him into the face stretcher and stretches his face so tight that he looks like Faye Dunaway!
RU'AFO: [Screams like a girl] IT'S HORRIBLE!
Ru'afo throws Dougherty's hideously mutated body out an airlock. Later, on the bridge!
RU'AFO: Admiral Doughboy won't be joining us for dinner.
GALLATIN: Oh, and that's a shame too because I made some delightful spinach puffs and a light creme gravy.
RU'AFO: Spinach puffs again? Yuck!
Back in Picard and Anji's cell...
GALLATIN: You, come with me!
ANJI: Who, me?
GALLATIN: No, Picard!
ANJI: Well, how the hell are we supposed to know when we don't have any stage directions.
Bite me. How's that for a direction, bitch?
ANJI: You, BASTARD! The Borg were more polite when they narrated Full Contact!
Gelatin and Picard go to a turbolift.
GALLATIN: It's Gallatin, not Gelatin.
PICARD: You make me sick, Gelatin. You, who would go and destroy innocent men, women, and children just so you could get younger. You disgust me! I fart in your general direction!
GALLATIN: Is this how a starfleet officer pleads for his life?
PICARD: No... THIS is how a starfleet officer pleads for his life. [Gets on knees] DON'T KILL ME! I'M TO BRITISH TO DIE! I STILL HAVE THE X-MEN SEQUEL AND THAT JEFFERY SEQUEL! BWAAAAA!
The doors open to reveal THE DORK! He goes to say something, but Gallatin kicks him in the balls and sends him to the floor as the doors close.
GALLATIN: I will NEVER help you!
PICARD: Please reconsider.
GALLATIN: Okay, I'll help you.
MEANWHILE, ON THE EVIL SON'A SHIP BRIDGE!
Don't you have any objection to that?
SON'A SHIP: Oh, no... my bridge really is hideously evil.
RU'AFO: Someone tell the ship to shut the hell up and prepare to fire the collector that will led to the deaths of everyone on the planet.
LACKEY: Sir, there is a ship approaching from the planet!
RU'AFO: WHAT!?
EVERYONE: Sir, there is a ship approaching from the planet!
RU'AFO: Shit! I was afraid of that!
Data is in the ship firing at the Son'a ship. The Son'a ship fires back.
DATA: Fuck this!
Data flies away.
RU'AFO: Good, now prepare to fire!
LACKEY: Preparing...
RU'AFO: FIRE!!!
The collector fires and wipes out all life on the Bak'u planet!
RU'AFO: Yay!
Meanwhile...
PICARD: I don't get it. I thought that we were supposed to win!
WORF: It is rather odd.
PICARD: Worf, how did you get here?
WORF: I hitched a ride with Data. All he wanted in exchange was my potato. Still, it sucks that everyone died.
GALLATIN: Wait a minute...
Gallatin takes out his script and looks.
GALLATIN: Ah HA! They didn't really fire the collector, they were all beamed to the holoship into a simulation where they THOUGHT they fired the collector!
PICARD: No shit?
Picard and Worf take out their scripts and look.
WORF: He's right! The Son'a are trapped in a simulation!
PICARD: Huzzah! That's what I call good writing!
DORK: And that's what I call CRAP! [a beat] Could you guys sign one of those scripts for me?
PICARD: Got fifty bucks?
Meanwhile, in the simulation, Ru'afo is checking his script.
RU'AFO: What do you mean this is a fucking simulation! SHIT! All right, screw it... I'm going to beam over to the collector and activate it manually!
Back with Picard, Worf, and Gallatin...
PICARD: [signing] To my good friend, The Dork... I hope you loose your virginity someday and move out of your parent's basement. Best of luck with the acne... You're friend... [He scratches out the word "friend"] You're acquaintance... [He scratches out the word "acquaintance"] Your... person you watch religiously on TV, Jean Luc-Picard. There you are, little pathetic one.
DORK: Woo WHO! Wait until I scan this into my computer to show my chat room friends THIS!
What follows is the chat transcript from that chat room conversation...
**DORK1701
has logged in.**
KIRKRULZDAHIZZOUSE: Yeah, I think that City on the Edge of
Forever is probably the greatest TOS moment.
TRIBBLE_MASHER69: You got that right, but what about TNG?
DORK1701: Hey guys! What's going on in here!?
BALD_IS_BEAUTIFUL: The Inner Light. No contest.
KIRKRULZDAHIZZOUSE: Ditto.
PORTHOS: No nono no no! You're forgetting Yesterdays
Enreprise!
DORK1701: Hello?
BALD_IS_BEAUTIFUL: "Enreprise?" Is that the new
spinoff?
TRIBBLE_MASHER69: LOL!
PORTHOS: Okay, spelling Nazi!
BALD_IS_BEAUTIFUL: j/k
DORK1701: Hey, guess what I got!
MAGNOLIAFAN: Speaking of TNG, did you read that Insurrection
parody?
KIRKRULZDAHIZZOUSE: Oh, God... not by the same guy who did The
Funny Frontier, DeGenerations, and Full Contact!
MAGNOLIAFAN: Yep.
KIRKRULZDAHIZZOUS: Those are so lame!
DORK1701: Hello?
PORTHOS: Yeah, he's really not as funny as he thinks he is.
Just another fan with way too much time on his hands.
**GREEN-SKINNED-ALIEN-BABE has logged in.**
GREEN-SKINNED-ALIEN-BABE: Hey everyone!
Age/Sex/Location check!
KIRKRULZDAHIZZOUSE: 19/M/San Fransisco
PORTHOS: 17/M/Kansas City
TRIBBLE_MASHER69: 22/M/Boston
BALD_IS_BEAUTIFUL: 23/M/Tacoma
DORK1701: 39/M/Parent's Basement. Hey, I got an autographed
Insurr-wreck-sion script!
DORK1701: Hello?
**GREEN-SKINNED-ALIEN-BABE has logged out.**
KIRKRULZDAHIZZOUSE: Oh, wtg, dork! You totally chased
her off!
PORTHOS: everything was going fine until you mentioned that lame
parody!
JASONG113: Hey, fuck you guys!
BALD_IS_BEAUTIFUL: Donner, is that you!?
**JASONG113 has logged out.**
DORK1701: Hello?
**PICARD has logged in**
PICARD: Excuse me, I'm sorry... But I really have to make
you all end this bit. It's just not funny.
**GREEN-SKINNED-ALIEN-BABE has logged in.**
GREEN-SKINNED-ALIEN-BABE: Sorry, peeps. Got
booted. AOL SUX! LOL!
PICARD: 60/M/Outer Space.
GREEN-SKINNED-ALIEN-BABE: Oo, an older man! Wanna cyber?
On the ship...
PICARD: Holy shit! She totally wants to cyber me!
WORF: Captain! You must beam over to the collector and STOP Ru'afo from killing everyone on the planet!
PICARD: Dammit! Very well!
Picard walks off. Worf and Gallatin rush to the monitor and starts typing.
GALLATIN: Quick! Ask her what she's wearing!
On the collector, Picard climbs up to the control tower where Ru'afo is getting ready to fire the injector. Ru'afo and Picard aim at each other.
DORK: Oh, here it is... the clichéd standoff between hero and villain. Michael Piller, could you get any more predictable? Seesh!
Ru'afo fires. Picard grabs the dork and uses him as a human shield.
DORK: All right... I'll give you that one. IRK!
The Dork dies... but his BO will live on. Picard shot Ru'afo and walks over to detonate the collector.
PICARD: This should be a thrilling special effects climax.
Picard detonates the collector. From the bottom of the shaft, explosions appear... quickly approaching the control booth. Ru'afo and the Dork stand up.
PICARD: I though the Dork was dead.
He got better.
RU'AFO: Now it appears you have a choice, Picard! The Enterprise is coming to beam you out and you can only make it to one of us before it does. Who will you choose?
The collector explodes as the Enterprise swoops by.
In the transporter room, Picard and Ru'afo step off the transporter pad.
RU'AFO: Excellent choice, Captain.
PICARD: You would have done the same.
Back on the Bak'u planet, everything is happy and gay again. The villagers are eating their captures as part of the Bak'u tribute of thanks to their pagan four-headed sex god. As Anji and Picard look on, Gallitan is approached by a Bak'u.
ANJI: Oh, how sweet. A family reunion of mother and son.
PICARD: Yes, I thought it would go about healing some wounds.
BAK'U MOTHER: [Starts hitting Gallatin with a broom] You ungrateful little bastard! I told you to be home by nine o'clock! Were have you been? I've had it with you, young man! You play your music too loud, you have those shifty friends over, and I don't know WHAT you've been doing in the bathroom all day!
PICARD: Mission accomplished. Gimmie some sugar, baby!
Picard and Anji kiss.
PICARD: Groovy.
ANJI: When will I see you again?
PICARD: Hey, it's a big universe, baby! I'll see if I can squeeze you it!
Picard and the away team beam up. Anji gives them the finger.
ANJI: Bastard!
High above the Bak'u planet, the Enterprise swoops by and sails out of the briar patch.
On the bridge...
RIKER: Oh, shit!
PICARD: What!?
RIKER: I thnk I know why they call this place the BRIAR PATCH NOW!
A giant BRER RABBIT, BRER BEAR, and BRER FOX soar out of the clouds and tear into the Enterprise until she EXPLODES!!!
THE END
DORK1701: Hello?
DORK1701: Helloooo?
DORK1701: So, when does the next movie come out?
DORK1701: Hello?
**DORK1701 has logged out.**