itle>Tribble Bloodbath
"Tribble Bloodbath"
by Jason Donner
[The Enterprise hangs in space with another starship]
Picard: Captain log: Stardate: 44556.6 1/2: The Enterprise has
rendezvoused with the USS Essessess to pick up a pair of rare
albino tribbles to be transported to the lush tropical rainforest on
the planet Kylix where they may flourish. (singing badly) Booorn
freeeee! As free as the wind bloooows! As free as the graaaass
grooows!
----------------------------------------
[Cut to the captain's ready room]
Picard: [still singing] Yoooou're borrrrrn [hits a sour note]
freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!
[Worf busts in with a phaser and starts shooting indiscriminately]
Picard: [dodging the phaser blasts] Mr. Worf!!! Seise! Disist! Cut it out!
Worf: [Stops shooting] Captain! I heard you screaming so I came to your
rescue!
Picard: I wasn't screaming! I was singing!
Worf: Scheeesh! You call that singing! I think a fork scraping across a
blackboard is beautiful music and I thought that rendition was
terrible!
Picard: Please Worf, if I want your opinion I'll ask for it.
[They walk to the bridge]
Riker: Captain! Were you torturing cats in there?
Picard: No! Mr. Worf, open a channel to the Essessess!
Worf: Channel open.
Picard: Captain Crunch, this is the Enterprise, we are ready to receive the
tribbles.
Crunch: -- Understood Captain. We'll beam them over in five minutes. --
Picard: Number one, go to the transporter room and pick up those cute,
furry, little things.
Troi: Can I come too!?
Riker: Absolutely!
Worf: Can I come?
Troi: Why Worf! I had no idea you liked tribbles!
Worf: Yes, I love them. Baked at 200 degrees for an hour, they are quiet
delicious.
---------------------------------------------
[Cut to "Space, the final frontier..." intro]
==========================================
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Announcer: Coming this fall to UPN!
"The Mighty Morphin' Star Trek Rangers!"
Singer: Go-Go, Star Trek Rangers!
[Cut to Various crewmembers beaming into the command
center]
Announcer: Staring James Kirk as the White Ranger.
Kirk: HeeeYaaaah!
Announcer: Hikaru Sulu as the Red Ranger.
Sulu: Hiyah!
Announcer: Jen-Luc Picard as the Blue Ranger.
Picard: Vive' La France!
Announcer: Jadzia Dax as the Yellow Ranger.
Dax: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
Announcer: Benjamin Sisko as the Green Ranger.
Sisko: Arrrrrrrrrrrrr!
Announcer: Quark as the Black Ranger.
Quark: Think of the profits from the merchandising!
Announcer: Data as Alpha.
Data: I-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi!
Announcer: And Gene Roddenberry as Zordon!
Gene: Rangers, power up! Lord Zed and Rita Repulsa are
attacking Starfleet Headquarters!
Kirk: We need dinosaur power NOW!
Brontosaurus!
Sulu: Raptor!
Picard: [uhg] Giant Prehistoric Dragonfly!
Dax: Saber-Toothed Crotch Critter!
Sisko: Garden Slug!
Quark: Protozoa!
[They transform into the Power Rangers]
Singer: Go-go Star Trek Rangers!
Announcer: Join the Mighty Morphin' Star Trek Rangers as they battle
Lord Zed and Rita Repulsa played by Worf and Kathryn Janeway!
Janeway: HA HA HA HA! WE'RE GONNA CONQUER EARTH
AND THOSE STAR TREK RANGERS CAN'T STOP
US!!! HA HA HA!
Worf: Why are you shouting!?
Announcer: Marvel when the Star Trek rangers join forces to create, "The
Ultra-Supreme-Mega-Fantastic-Super-Duper-Phenomenal
MegaZord with Techron! {Played by the lovable robot from the
"Lost in Space" series}
Robot: Danger! Danger!
Announcer: Join them as they fight evil space aliens.
[Cut to a giant Wesley approaching the MegaZord]
Wes. I wanna play too!
Rangers: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
[Cut to MegaZord fighting a giant kangaroo]
Picard: Here's a warning shot! That'll teach you to mess with...
[POW! The kangaroo knock the crap out of them]
Announcer: "The Mighty Morphin' Star Trek Rangers"! Coming soon to
UPN: The all- Star Trek network!
Different Announcer: Premiering Next Week after "Married: With
Klingons" and "Doctor Crusher: Medicine Woman"!
Singer: Mighty Morphin' Star Trek Ranger-ers!
==========================================
[Cut to the transporter room: Riker and Troi are there. Worf is
not)]
[Episode Title: Night of the Tribble]
Transporter Chief: The Essessess report that they are ready to transport.
[Wesley walks in]
Riker: What are you doing here ensign?
Wes: I wanna see the tribbles.
Riker: I'm afraid not Wes, these are rare tribbles and I don't think a little
snot like you should be anywhere near them!
Wes: But! But!
Riker: Don't give me any of your but mister! Now you march on out of
here!
Wes: [stomps his foot] I don't gotta! You're not the boss of me!
Riker: Yes I am.
Wes: Awwwwwww. can't I stay!?
Riker: [slaps Wes] No! Get out!
Wes: WHAAAAAAAAAAH!!! [Holding the side of his face, he runs out]
Troi: Don't you think...
Riker: [interrupting] I was too hard on him?
Troi: No, don't you think you should've hit him harder?
Riker: Yeah.
Transporter Chief: Commencing transport.
[A small cage appears on the transporter pad]
[Troi walks over to the cage and looks inside]
Troi: Oh how sweet!
Riker: Yeah. [slaps his badge] Riker to the Captain.
Picard: -- Yes? Go ahead commander! --
Riker: We've beamed aboard a little container of love!
Picard: -- Number one! You're a senior officer! Don't get mushy! Now,
bring the tribbles to my ready room! --
----------------------------------------------------
[Quick cut to Picard's ready room]
Picard: [nuzzling the tribble with his nose] Ohhhhhh you're such a sweet
little thing! Ohhhhhhh! You sucha sweet wittle ting! [kisses the
tribble] Ohhhhhhhh! [cough cough HACK!] ouuh! [HACK]
Riker: Are you O.K. Captain?
Picard: [HACK!] I'm O.K. number one. [HACK] just a... [HACK]
hairball.
Riker: Where will the tribbles be kept during the trip to Kylix sir?
Picard: Have Lt. LaForge convert the ship's zoological department into a
tribble room. [HACK] [Picard tries to pick the hairball out of his
throat.]
Riker: No problem sir.
[Crusher barges in]
Crusher: Jean-Luc! We have a...
Picard: [GAG] Beverly! Haven't you ever heard of knocking!?
Crusher: [goes back out the door, knocks, then barges in again] Jean-Luc!
We have a problem!
Picard: What is it?
Crusher: It's a situation that causes disruption in a plan, but that's not
important right now. As you know, tribbles multiply like crazy!
What are we going to do about that?
Riker: Easy! We just won't feed them!
Crusher: Not feed them!!! What good will that do!?
Riker: Well DUH Bev! If we don't feed them, they can't multiply! Didn't
you watch "The Trouble With Tribbles"?
Picard: Good! Now that's out of the way, take my [baby talk] wittle fuwwy
wittle babies down to the zoological department! [COUGH
COUGH HACK!]
Riker: Of Course!
[Riker takes the tribbles and leaves]
Crusher: Jean-Luc! What happens when the Tribbles get hungry?
Picard: I don't know. [HACK!]
---------------------------------------------
[Cut to Exterior shot of the Enterprise warping away from the USS
Essessess]
[A romulan warbird decloaks right in front of the Enterprise which
swerves out of the way and honks at it]
---------------------------------------------
[Cut to the zoological department]
LaForge: There! The little hairballs look content in that cage.
Riker: The wheel may be taking it a bit to far though.
LaForge: Are you kidding!? Hamsters love 'em!
Wes: [from behind a computer console] AT-CHOO!!! oops!
Riker: What in the name of...? WESLEY! I know you're in here! Now
come on out!
[Wes comes out of hiding]
Riker: What are you doing in here!?
Wes: Uhhhhh, taking a nap?
Riker: You were going to play with the tribbles weren't you?
Wes: No!
Riker: [backhands Wes] Don't lie to me!
Wes: OK! You caught me!
LaForge: Don't let me catch you in here again young man!
Wes: OK! I'll leave! [bumps the tribble cage as he walks by it] oops!
Riker: OUT!!! Shoo shoo! GETONOUTTAHERE!
[Wes scats]
LaForge: That's the way to show who's boss around here commander!
Riker: Your brown-nosing is appreciated Mr. LaForge!
LaForge: Wait a second!
Riker: What is it?
LaForge: It's a unit of time that is 1/60 of a minute, but that's not important
right now. Weren't there two tribbles in this cage a minute ago?
Riker: Yeah huh.
LaForge: Well, there's only one now!
Riker: WHAT!?
[Quick cut to tribble cage -- sure nuff one's missing]
Riker: It must've escaped!
LaForge: Or our acne-filled fiend, Wesley Crusher took one!
Riker: Don't be silly Geordi! Wes didn't have a chance to steal one and
besides, Wes may be annoying and a real smart-ass, but he's not a
thief!
-----------------------------------------------------------
[cut to Wes's room]
[Wes enters and fishes a tribble out of his pocket]
Wes: Ha! They're not so bright! [He sits the tribble on his bed -- the
tribble is purring softly] All I had to do to take you was employ
Einstein's theory of relitivatily divided by the speed of light
multiplied by the square root of the number of people killed in an
average Selvester Stalone movie, multiplied by the hypotenuse of
the average human's reaction time, and carry the decimal over two
places! It was so simple! A child could do it! Well, a child with an
IQ of 201 like mine! Now you're all mine to play with! And no
grown ups can stop me! HA HA HA HA!!!
Crusher: [Knocking on door] Wes? [barges in] Who are you talking to?
Wes: [Tosses tribble over his shoulder] Uhhhhh, no one!
Crusher: OK! I'm going to the ship's Safeway, do you need anything?
Wes: Get me some Flintstone's cereal.
Crusher: What do we say?
Wes: Now!
Crusher: [Hard] WHAT DO WE SAY?
Wes: Pleeeeeeeease!
Crusher: Good.
[The tribble regains conscience after being thrown and squeaks]
Tribble: SQUEAK!
Crusher: What was that?
Wes: Uhhhhh, it was... MY BED! Yeah! The spring in my bed squeaks
a lot!
Tribble: PURRRRRRRRRRRR.
Crusher: Does your bed purr too?
Wes: That was me.
Crusher: You!?
Wes: Yeah! Uhhhhh, I'm playing a cat in the school play!
Crusher: Uhh huh. Wes, I'm going to set you up an appointment to talk to
Counselor Troi, it seems like you're not yourself lately. [she leaves]
Wes: [Picks up the tribble and cradles it] Ohhhh. I'm sorry! Now that
you're mine I will kiss you and hug you and love you and name you
George! Do you want something to eat? [pulls a Zagnut bar out of
his pocket] Here you go. [The tribble eats up the candy] Wow!
you're a hungry little critter!
[The tribble finishes the candy and let's out a cute little belch]
-----------------------------------------------------------
[Cut to sickbay, a few hours later -- Picard is on the examination
table]
Crusher: [Approaching Picard] So what's wrong with you today?
Picard: Nothing important. [HACK] It's just a little problem with a...
[GAG] hairball.
Crusher: Now where did you get a hairball? Certainly not from yourself!
Picard: [offended] I got it from kissing a tribble.
Crusher: [Injects him with hypo] There.
Picard: What was that?
Crusher: It's call Nuitgercetominitin plus. It will help you cough up that
hairball. But I have to warn you about the side effects.
Picard: Side effects - Scmide effects! I can handle a few... [COUGH] a
few... [HACK] a... [HACK HACK GAG HACK COUGH
HACK!]
Crusher: I think it's working!
Picard: [HACK HACK GAG GAG COUGH!!! HACK PTOO!]
[A huge hairball flies across sickbay and nails Nurse Ogawa on the
back of the head, knocking her unconscience. Another nurse rushes to her
aid]
Picard: Marvelous! Now, back to work!
Crusher: But I have to tell you about the side effects of the medicine I just
gave you.
Picard: What side effects? I fell fine! Excuse me. [he gets up to leave]
Crusher: Nuitgercetominitin plus causes gastrointestinal problems!
Picard: [Walking by Ogawa and the nurse] What does that mean?
[At that moment, Picard cuts a huge thunderous fart -- Ogawa and
the nurse pass out]
Picard; [turning red] Dear me!
Crusher: THAT'S what it means!
Picard: You have to fix it! I can't go on duty like this! (Farts again)
Crusher: [fanning the air] You'll be fine in a day or so, just stay away from
open flames. Now please get out!
[Picard leaves -- Crusher gets out a can of Lysol and sprays
sickbay]
-------------------------------------------------
[Cut to ship's corridor -- Picard is walking by himself--A nameless
ensign walks by, takes a whiff, grimaces, and runs away]
Riker: [over intercom] -- Captain Picard! Please report to the zoological
lab! --
Picard: On my way!
------------------------------------------------
[cut to the zoological lab -- LaForge, Data, and Riker are examining
the tribble cage--Picard walks in]
Picard: What seems to be the problem number one?
Riker: After two hours of careful analysis, we have come to the conclusion
that one of the two tribbles are missing.
Picard: Missing!?
Riker: Yeah huh.
Picard: It took you two hours to figure that out!?
Riker: [Looking at the floor] uhh huh.
Picard:[mumbles something in French] Data, do you have any idea where
the tribble is?
Data: No sir, however I do suspect that ensign Crusher might have
something to do with it's disappearance.
Picard: CRUSHER!!!! {farts loudly}
Riker and LaForge: [overlapping] Oh my god! Ack! Whew! My eyes!
My eyes!
Picard: [ignoring them] Data! Come with me. We need to talk to Wesley
Crusher!
========================================
COMMERCIAL BREAK
[Janeway is sitting in her ready room looking at the monitor, she
looks up at the camera]
Janeway: Whether I'm fighting the Kazon, or working undercover on a
planet torn apart by civil war, my skin has to look it's best. That's
why I use, Jane-away, lotion for the working guy or gal. Jane-away
uses only the best of organically grown Aloe grown right here on
the USS Voyager by our resident Ocapa, Kes.
[cut to Kes in the hydroponics bay]
Kes: I take great care of these plants so that they may take great care of
you!
[cut back to Janeway]
Janeway: Just listen to what a few of our satisfied customers are saying.
[cut to shot of different crewmembers and aliens]
Paris: Thanks to Jane-away, my skin is soft and silky smooth!
Chakotay: Jane-away has made me a new man. And look! It got rid of that
annoying tatto on my forehead!
Neelix: Before Jane-away I was ugly, and now I still am. But my skin
feels great!
Doctor: As a hologram, I do not need lotion. Fortunatly, Jane-away also
comes in holographic form. [splatters some on his uniform]
Ahhhhhh! That feels so good!
Kim: Thanks to Jane-away, don't get as many zits!
Videean Commander: It cured the phage!
Kazon warrior: When the Voyager entered our space, we were going to
blow it out of the sky! But it's captian beamed over several
containers of Jane-away and after trying it out we just coundn't
destroy them! We love this stuff! [camera pulls back to reveal the
Kazon are putting the lotion on thier food]
[cut back to Janway]
Janeway: [watching the Kazon on a monitor] What a bunch of idiots!
Huh! Oh! That's right, you heard it here first! Jane-way: The
future of skin care!
Announcer: Jane-away, available at Macy's and other fine stores. (May
not be available in Alpha Quadrant)
========================================
[cut to the floor of Wes's room -- as the camera moves across the
floor we see dozens of open Zagnut wrappers. As the camera moves up the
bed, we see Wes playing with the tribble]
Wes: Golly! You're full of energy George! Must be all of those Zagnut
bars you ate. Curious, it's been scientifically proven that sugar
doesn't cause hyperactivity in animals. Oh well!
Worf's Voice: [Banging on the door] CRUSHER!!! I know you're in there!
Picard's Voice: Wesley? This is the Captain! We know you have the
tribble and if you come out now I'll only let Worf beat you up for
only five minutes, not ten!
Worf: Stay in there Wes!
Wes: Uh oh! [Opens the door and hand Picard the tribble] Here!
Picard: Thank you Wes! Now tell Uncle Picard why you took Mr. Tribble.
Wes: [crying] N-Nobody let me see uh... uh... them when they were
brought on board [sniff] and all ahh-ahh wanted to do was see one!
Picard: [puts his hand on Wes's shoulder] Oh Wesley, I had no idea you
were this mistreated. It breaks my heart. But, what you did was
wrong.
Wes: [sniff] Does that mean your not mad?
Picard: OF COURSE I'M MAD YOU LITTLE TWIT!!! But, I understand
why you did it.
Wes: Does that mean your not going to let Worf pound me?
Picard: No. For you see, beating the snot out of little worms like you is
one of the few things Worf enjoys, and we can't deprive Worf out of
what he enjoys can we? No, for THAT would be wrong. [Picard
walks by Worf on his way out] Don't get any blood on the carpets.
Worf: I'll be careful.
-------------------------------------------------
[quick cut to hallway -- As Picard exit's Wes's Quarter's we hear all
sorts of hideous noises: Whips, chainsaws, guns, explosions, bangs, hoots,
hollers, and of course, Wes's blood-curdling screams]
[Picard stops hallway down the hall, stops and tenses up]
{Cuts a huge thunderous fart that echoes in the corridors}
[The tribble begins squealing wildly]
-------------------------------------------------
[Quick cut to the bridge]
Computer: ** WARNING: TOXIC GAS DETECTED ON DECK 6,
SECTION 23! **
Riker: Toxic gas!?
Picard: [Over intercom] -- Number one, this is the captain. Pay no attention
to the toxic gas warning. It's obviously a... uhh, Malfunction!
Yeah that's the ticket! --
Riker: Understood!
Picard: -- Picard out! --
[As soon as the channel closes, everyone on the bridge cracks up]
-------------------------------------------------
[cut to the zoological lab]
Data: As you can see captain, Tribble #1 is listless and indifferent -
possibly due to the fact it has not been fed since we brought it
aboard 12 hours ago. Tribble #2 however, the one Wesley named
"George", is full of energy due to the fact that Mr. Crusher fed it
approximately 47 Zagnut candy bars.
Picard: I see, [tenses up] will this affect the tribble's health? {farts} [silent
but deadly]
Data: I do not believe so.
LaForge: GEEZ LOUISE!
Picard: I beg your pardon?
Riker: HOLY MOLLY!!!
Picard: What are you talking about?
Data: I believe someone has farted sir.
Picard: I see. Well, which of you did it?
LaForge: "He who points the finger, pulled it."
Picard: Oh yeah! Well, "He who felt it, dealt it!"
Data: Curious. Could it be this whole farting thing is a step to becoming
human?
Picard: Forget it! FORGET IT! Let's just get out of here.
LaForge: Don't you think we should feed the other tribble before we leave?
Data: I would rather see what exactly happens to a tribble if it is not fed.
[Picard, Data, Riker, and LaForge leave]
[cut to a close-up of the tribble cage - "George" starts multiplying
while the other tribble starts to growl fiercely, it grows teeth, claws and
grows in size until it become a terrible (but cute) monster, {you see...THIS
is what happens to a tribble if it's not fed}]
---------------------------------------------------
[cut to a darken corridor]
[Ensign Jones is walking alone]
Jones: [singing] My boloney has a first name it's O-S-C-A-R. My boloney
has a first name it's...
[A noise is heard]
Jones: Hello?
[a shadow moves closer -- cut to close up of No-name as the
shadow overtakes him]
Jones: Awwwww, how cute! [ROAR!!!] AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
[cut to corridor wall as blood, pieces of bone, flesh and other nasty
stuff splatters on it]
==================================
COMMERCIAL BREAK
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[cut back to Carol Marcus plate]
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==================================
[Cut to the Enterprise going really fast]
Picard: Captain's log, supplementary: The tribble problem on the ship is
mounting steadily. First of all, someone (who will remain nameless
let's just call him Wesley C., No, wait, that's too obvious, let's call
him W. Crusher) fed one tribble 47 candy bars and it started
multiplying like crazy. So far, all of deck 30 has been overrun by
them. Secondly, "W Crusher" is suspected of tribble-napping the
other one. Oh, and a nameless ensign was horribly mutilated on
deck 30 last night, I do not believe the incidents are in any way
related. {farts} Dammit! Dr. Crusher tells me my [ahem]
"problem" should disappear soon. We are currently questioning
Mr. Crusher on the whereabouts of the second tribble
---------------------------------------------------
[Quick cut to Wes, sitting in a chair in a darkened room with
Picard, Riker, Worf, and Troi standing around him]
Wes: (bleeding out of the mouth) I'm telling you! I didn't take the other
tribble! Honest!
Picard: Mr. Worf!
[Worf hits Wes across the face]
Worf: These iron knuckles are great! I could hit him all day and never feel
a thing!
Wes: I didn't take the tribble!
Riker: Now Wes, you might as well tell us the truth.
Wes: I AM!
Picard: Worf!
[Worf hits Wes in the stomach]
Wes: OOF!!!
Riker: Now where did you stash the tribble!?
Wes: I didn't...
--------------------------------------
[cut to Wes getting hit several times (about 100 to be exact)]
--------------------------------------
[Cut to the same scene, 4 hours later -- Picard and Riker look bored,
Troi looks asleep, Worf still looks like he's ready for more, Wes looks like a
bloody swollen shadow of himself]
Riker: Wes, we've been at this for four hours. Now where is the tribble?
Wes: (with swollen lips) I don know.
Riker: How do we know you're telling the truth Wes?
Wes: [thinks] Ass Twoi, She'll know if I'm telling duh tooth.
Riker: Oh! Why didn't we think of that before!
Picard: Counselor. Counselor! [he throws a shoe at Troi]
Troi: ZZZZZZZ ** [snort] Whaa? [yawn] what?
Picard: Counselor, can you sense if Wesley is telling the truth or not?
Troi: Huh? Oh, yeah, he's been telling the truth for the past four hours.
Wes: If you knew dat, why dent you tell 'em?
Troi: No one asked.
Riker: [untying Wes] Well Wes, it takes a big man to admit he's wrong.
Unfortunately, I'm not a big man!
Picard: But where did the other tribble go?
Worf: I've been thinking about this. It could be that the lack of
nourishment in the tribble's diet could have mutated it's genetic
structure into that of a horrible beast! Maybe that's why the
conveniently expendable Ensign Jones was found horribly mutilated
last night!
Riker: [surprised] Worf! You're not as dumb as you look!
Picard: ...or sound!
Troi: ...or our best testing indicated!
Worf: Thanks! I think.
Picard: Mr. Worf! Deploy all nameless Ensigns to Deck 30. We'll follow
their screaming until we have tracked down the man-eating tribble!
---------------------------------------------
Cut to security guards ushering dozens of nameless ensigns to Deck
30 -- which is overrun by smaller tribbles]
---------------------------------------------
[cut to the bridge]
Riker: [silently to Picard] Congratulations sir, you were in the
interrogation room for over four hours and you didn't fart once!
Picard: I believe all of the excess gas has left me number one.
[Data enters and goes to the Science Station]
Data: Computer, request information on phenomenon known as "farting"
Computer: ** FARTING -- ALSO REFERRED TO AS BREAKING
WIND, SQUEEZING CHEESE, CUTTING THE CHEESE,
CUTTING ONE, FLOATING AIR BISCUITS, POPPING
PUNKERS, QUEEPHING, PASSING GAS, PASSING VAPORS,
BUTT BELCHING, DISTURBING THE... **
Data: [interrupting] Display all information about farting.
Computer: ** BEEP BEEP **
[Data reads intently]
Ensign Ray: [over comm] -- This is Ensign Ray on Deck 30, there's a big,
AHHHHH! --
[loud screams and crunching sounds are heard]
Picard: Mr. Worf! Come with me! [They go to the turbo-lift]
Riker: You're not going to deck 30 are you? As first officer, I can't allow
it!
Picard: Number one?
Riker: Yes sir?
Picard: Shove it.
Riker: Yes sir.
[the turbo-lift doors close]
===========================================
COMMERCIAL BREAK
[Wesley is watching TV]
Sexy Announcer: Lonely? Looking for companionship? Then call 1-900-
PARTYLINE, and talk to many exciting people from all over the
universe!
Different Announcer: [talking very fast] Cost is one dollar a minute, two
dollars each additional minute. Must be 21 years or older, void on
Klingon Homeworld.
[Wes picks up phone and dials]
Operator: Thank you for calling! To talk to brainy broads, press one. To
talk to Psychopathic sluts, press two, if you want to join our party-
line and meet all sorts of fascinating people, press three.
[Wes presses three]
Wes: Hello, my name is uhhh... Chris Crasher. Yeah! I live on a starship
that I've saved millions and zillions of times and I never get any
respect!
Claude: Hey Chris, this is Claude LeMont, That just sucks.
Wes: Tell me about it!
Claude: If I were you, I'd march up to the Captain and demand respect!!! I
mean, I'm the boss here and everyone makes fun of a problem I
have.
Wes: You know, If I were you, I'd take the first person who made fun of
whatever problem you have and just totally beat the ever-living snot
out of the little cuss.
Claude: I just might do that!
Wes: Good! And I'll follow your advice too!
[cut to the bridge--the next day.--Wes storms into Picard's ready
room]
Wes: Ok! You listen to me and you listen good! I'm sick and tired of
being treated like a little kid around here! I demand respect! Do
you hear me baldy!?
Picard: [gets up and beats the crap out of Wes] That'll teach you to make
fun of my head you little... Wait a minute! Chris Crasher!?
Wes: Claude LeMont!?
[Fade to Black]
Announcer: PartyLine: You'll never know who you'll meet!
===========================================
[cut to Worf and Picard on deck 30 - both are carrying phasers]
Worf: [Points] over there!
Picard: [looks] Where!?
Worf: Ha ha! Made ya look! Made ya look!
Picard: One of deez days Worf, one of deez days... POW! Right in the
kisser!
Worf: [Points] Look!
Picard: I'm not going to fall for that one again!
[Worf fires his phaser at the mutant tribble that had it's huge
gapping mouth over Picards head]
Picard: YAAAAAAH! oh... [ahem] thank you Mr. Worf! Is it dead?
Worf; No sir! It took off down the corridor! I think it's heading for the
photon torpedo launcher!
Picard: OK, we'll surround him! You go down this hall to the left [points
to the right], and I'll go down this one on the right [points to the
left].
Worf: I do not believe splitting up is wise Captain!
Picard: Dammit Worf! I'm the Captain! It's not my job to be wise!!!
[They split up]
-----------------------------------------------------
[cut to the photon torpedo tubes]
Picard: [enters alone] Worf? Worf are you here?
[A low growl is heard behind Picard -- he whirls around and sees
the tribble stuffing another nameless ensign down it's mouth.
Picard draws his phaser and throws it at the tribble]
Picard: [to himself] Dammit Jean-Luc! Phasers you shoot, Knifes you
throw!
[The tribble, obviously in the mood for French food, starts chasing
Picard down the photon tube]
--------------------------------------------------
[Cut to the bridge]
Picard: [over intercom] -- Bridge! This is the captain!!! HELP!!! The
tribble is chasing me down the photon torpedo tube! --
Riker: The tribble is in the photon torpedo tube?
Picard: -- Yes! Mon deuir! --
Riker: [Looks at Worf] Aren't you supposed to be down there with him?
Worf: I forgot.
Picard: -- MERDE'! --
Riker: He's in the photon torpedo tube. Hmmmmmmmm.
[Theme from Jeopardy plays as camera passes by all of the bridge
crew rubbing their chins and thinking--Picard continues to scream for help]
Riker: [turns to Worf] Are you thinking what I'm thinking!?
Worf: I think so, but how are we going to get four pounds of hamburger
meat and a copy of "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" at this time of
night?
Riker: Fire a photon torpedo!
--------------------------------------------------
[Quick cut to the photon torpedo tube]
[The mutant tribble is still chasing Picard when a bright light
suddenly appears behind them]
Picard: [turning around] What the fu...!?
-------------------------------------------------
[Cut to exterior of the Enterprise as Picard and the mutant tribble
are shot out into space -- Picard eyes start to bug out an his tongue
swells and just when it looks like his head is going to burst...]
--------------------------------------------------
[cut to transporter room]
[Picard materializes on the pad. His head shrinks back to normal]
Obrien: We've got him sir!
--------------------------------------------------
[cut to Enterprise in orbit of Kylix]
Picard: Captain's log, Stardate 445566.7: The Enterprise has reached
Kylix and has transported all of the tribbles that infested the ship
down to the planet. Unfortunately, Miles "I Know These Are The
Right Coordinates" Obrien, transported the tribbles into a live
volcano. Now the albino tribbles are totally extinct. Oh well, at
least they went out with a bang! Oh, ha ha, I made a funny!
--------------------------------------------------
[cut to the Bridge]
Riker: It's nice to have everything back to normal.
Picard: Yep!
{a fart}
[everyone looks at Picard]
Picard: Now wait just minute! That wasn't me!
Troi: I sense no guilt in this room.
Data: I am afraid that was me sir.
Picard: You!?
Data: I have added a fart program to my database.
Picard: But why!?
Data: Humans fart, I do not. Therefore, if I am to become human, I too
must occasionally, "cut the cheese"
Troi: But Data, it smells like vanilla!
Data: That is true, since humans do not like the smell of an average fart,
mine are designed to smell like vanilla, strawberry, potpourri, and
nu car!
[A loud fart]
Picard: That's enough Data!
Data: But captain! That was not me!
[Everyone turns to the source]
Troi: [red in the face] Pardon me!
-------------------------------------------------------
[Cut to the Enterprise leaving orbit]
Picards voice: My god! Somebody crack a window!
[fin]