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SEASON ONE

"I Don't Caretaker"
The Voyager is pulled into the Delta Quadrant by the Blob who they in turn save from the Kazon, a race with really bad hair.

"Para Ex-lax"
Janeway give Torres the job of chief engineer after she saves the ship and lies on her resume.

"Time and Again"
Paris and Janeway save a planet from destruction but forget about it by the time the episode is over.

"A Phage in Harlem"
Ugly aliens steal Neelix's lungs and refuse to give them back, so Neelix takes one of Kes's.

"The Cloud"
The Voyager is eaten by an alien and gives it indigestion

"Eye of the Needle"
Voyager finds a wormhole, but doesn't go through because it's too small. (Haven't these people ever heard of spacesuits?)

"Ex Post Cereal"
Tom Paris is convicted of murder. His sentence is being forced to watch "Spock's Brain" every fourteen hours for the rest of his life. Janeway decides that it is too cruel, so she gets him off.

"Emanations"
Harry Kim dies, so the Voyager goes off hunting for dylithium.

"Prime Time Factors"
Torres, Seska, Carrey (not Jim), and Tuvok almost gets the Voyager home so Janeway grounds them.

"State of Confusion"
Seska decides she likes the Kazon better.

"Heroes and Demons"
The Doctor tries to reason with a bad special effect.

"Cathexis"
The crew is possessed by an evil spirit that turns out to be Chakotay.

"Faces of Death"
Torres beats herself up.

"Jetrel"
Neelix makes nice with the guy that blew his family to smithereens.

"Learning Curve Ball"
Tuvok teaches special ed. and the Voyager gets the flu. Best line in Star Trek history: "Take this cheese to sickbay"

SEASON TWO

"The 37½ Extra Large's"
Emilia Earheart is found in the Delta Quadrant. When offered a ride on Voyager, she decides she'd rather stay behind.

"Initiations"
Nog holds Chakotay hostage and threatens to kill him. Chakotay teaches him the value of life, so Nog kills his captain instead.

"Projections"
The Doctor turns into a real person, so Barcaly tries to convince him to blow up the ship.

"Elogium"
Kes goes into heat. Meanwhile, the ship is attacked by organisms who try to mate with it.

"Non SeaQuest-er"
Harry Kim winds up on Earth then kills Tom Paris to get back.

"Twisted Sister"
The Voyager crew forget where the bathroom is.

"Partuition"
Neelix and Paris play mommy and daddy to a bad hand puppet. Neelix finally hits Paris.

"Persistence of Vision"
Janeway's boyfriend tries to take over the ship. Kes beats up Neelix.

"Tattoo" (De plane, Boss! De plane!)
Someone finally tells Chakotay about that thing that's been on his forehead for the past two seasons. A bird beats up Neelix.

"Cold Turkey"
Kes goes on an arson spree.

"Picard Manuvers"
Chakotay is raped.

"Resistance"
Janeway proves she is willing to use her body to get what she wants.

"Prototype"
Robots kidnaps Torres to help them win a war with other robots. She doesn't get mad though because they are all so polite.

"Alliances"
Janeway proves she is a hypocrite. "Prime directive? What prime directive?"

"Threshold"
Tom Paris breaks the warp barrier, evolves into a salamander, and fathers the captain's babies... all in the same episode. Was this trip really necessary?

"Meld"
Tuvok has to endure, "that time of the month."

"Dreadlocks"
Torres beats up a missile.

"Deathwish VIII"
A member of the Q continuum becomes mortal and has to join the Voyager crew. He commits suicide shortly thereafter.

"Lifesigns"
The Doctor gets a girlfriend, who tries to kill herself shortly thereafter.

"Investigations"
Neelix introduces the crew to his version of "Hard Copy". Tom Paris finds out that Michael Jonas is sending love letters to the Kazon. Neelix finds out that Jonas is planning to sell his story to "Inside Edition", so he kills him.

"Deadlock"
An accident causes a twin Voyager to form that starts to get better ratings than the real Voyager so Janeway lets the Videeans kill them.

"Innocence"
Tuvok saves a bunch of kids from dying, but after he starts singing, they decide death is better.

"The Thaw I Taw a Puddy Tat!"
Janeway outsmarts a clown.

"Two Vicks"
Neelix and Tuvok have a baby, but Janeway kills it after the crew decides that they like him more than they like her.

"Resolutions"
Janeway and Chakotay are stranded on a jungle planet. Chakotay tries to get romantic, but Janeway decides she'd rather play with a monkey.

"Basic Instincts: Part One"
The Voyager crew is evicted.

SEASON THREE

"Basic Instincts: Part Two"
Chakotay tries to make friends with some cavemen, but they just want to kill him. He gets mad and sets Janeway's hair on fire. Meanwhile, the Kazon find out about Voyager's bad gas mileage and gives it back.

"Acid Flashback"
Tuvok begins having bad dreams so he blames them on Captain Sulu who was mean to him.

"The Shoot"
Kim and Paris are thrown into a prison where everyone has the clap. Harry finally tries to kill Paris.

"The Swarm"
The Doctor turns into Rain Man and Janeway decides, "to hell with the prime directive!" (Finally!)

"False Profits"
Some Feringi beat up Neelix who goes crying to the captain, who sends them home.

"I Can't Remember What This Episode Was Called"
Torres kills her boyfriend and blames it on an old lady.

"Sacred Ground"
Janeway is hazed.

"Future's End: Part One"
Voyager is met by a ship from the 29th century who wants to kill them too.

"Future's End: Part Two"
Janeway kills Ed Bagley Jr. because he's not funny. Captain Braxton from the 29th century, sends her home before she can find Bob Saget.

"The Landlord"
Kes conquers a planet and blames some dead guy.

"The Q and the Grey"
When Q promises to get the Voyager home if Janeway has sex with him, Janeway decides they are better off in the Delta Quadrant.

"Macrocosm"
Janebo cures a cold the hard way.

"Fair Trade"
Neelix fears that his usefulness on Voyager may be coming to an end. Janeway doesn't have the heart to tell him that he never had any use on Voyager in the first place.

"Leggo of my Ego"
A killer hologram kidnaps Tuvok, who bores her to death.

"Coda"
An alien tries to convince Janeway that she's dead but when she sees the crew crying at her funeral, she suspects deception.

"Blood Fever"
Torres has to make love to Paris or die. Disgusted, she beats up Vorik and feels better.

"Unity"
Chakotay helps create a kinder, gentler collective.

"Darkling"
The Doctor tries to kill Kes's new boyfriend and blames it on Ghandi.

"Rise"
Tuvok and Neelix get high.

"Favorite Son of a B-[bleep!]"
Harry has to escape a planet populated by extremely horny women before he gets a terminal case of the cooties.

"Real Life Stories of the Highway Patrol"
The Doctor creates the perfect family. It can be turned off at will.

"Distant Origin"
Spacefarring dinosaurs track down Voyager looking for their relatives but find out Bob Dole has been dead for three centuries.

"Displaced, Disillusioned, and Just-Plain Dised"
Janeway's worst fears are realized when the crew gets replaced by people from Hootervile.

"Worst Case Scenario"
Seska comes back as a hologram, but shoots herself when she's told that she has to bunk with the Doctor.

"Scorpion"
Squid kick the borg's ass

SEASON FOUR

"Scorpion, Part II"
An abusive, abrasive, and rude Borg comes on Voyager, annoys everyone, redecorates the cargo bay, and tries to assimilate the ship... so Janeway makes her a member of the crew.

"The Gift Certificate"
Voyager leaves Kes behind and no one notices.

"Day of Honor"
B'Ellanna and Tom find out that hitchhiking is not as fun as it sounds.

"Nemesis"
Chakotay is drafted by aliens and Tuvok gets him out by telling his superiors that he's gay.

"Revulsion"
When Torres and Dr. What's-his-face confront an even more annoying hologram, Harry is upset by the advances of Seven of Nine (mainly because no one has given him the "birds and the bees" talk yet)

"The Raven Looney"
Seven of Nine tastes Neelix's cooking and goes nuts.

"Scientific Method Acting"
Alien scientists test cosmetics on the crew.

"Year of Heck"
Voyager's warranty expires.

"Year of Heck, Part Two"
When the episode doesn't go the way Janeway wants, she finds the reset button.

"Random Thoughts"
Aliens try to steal violent thoughts from the crew but Tuvok defeats and lobotomizes them with his memories of Batman and Robin

"Concerning Flight and Other Wacky Matters"
Janeway and Leonardo DaVince invent a flying machine that's safer than a typical Voyager shuttle.

"Mortal Coil"
When Neelix dies, Seven of Nine decides to annoy everybody by resurrecting him.

"Waking Moments"
Aliens invade the crew's nightmares but are defeated by the repressed and perverted nighttime thoughts of Harry Kim.

"Message in a Bottle 'o Scotch"
Voyager saves up to 44% by calling 1-800-COLLECT

"Hunters" (Elmer Fudd)
Alien hunters try to get Voyager to switch to AT&T.

"Prey" (That Waskally Wabbit)
When a member of species 8472 gets onto Voyager, Janeway makes the dangerous alien a ship mascot and cares for it as if it was her own little pet. However, when it makes a mess on the carpet, Seven gives it to the Hirogen.

"Retrospect"
Representatives from Microsoft try to steal Seven of Nine's Borg thingies, so Janeway kills them... and then feels guilty because the holodecks run on Windows '95

"The Killing Game, Part One : Showcase Showdown"
Chakotay is somewhat satisfied that Janeway and the rest of the Voyager crew are transformed into the 1940's equivalent of the Maquis. Seven of Nine is somewhat satisfied when she gets to wear actual clothing. Harry grows a spine and gets the snot slapped out of him. Trekkies are somewhat satisfied.

"The Killing Game, Part Two : Final Jeopardy"
The Doctor shows us all just how easy we would have won World War II if Klingons had been on our side. Neelix shows just how pathetic he would have been if he was born a Klingon (You thought Alexander was bad?). Janeway shows that she can cower, kill, and violate the prime directive with the best of them.

"Visa Visa...Ole!"
An alien swaps bodies with Paris and then with Janeway but get's caught when the captain's hairdo comes undone and tangles up his feet.

"The Omega Directive"
Voyager's computer executes an "illegal manuver" and shuts down.

"(Un)Forgettable"
Chakotay.... uh... does... uh.... something.

"Living Witness"
The Doctor wakes up 700 years in the future and is pleased to find that Voyager is still in syndication.

"Demon"
A silver liquid gives new meaning to the phrase: "Is it live or is it Memorex?"

"Nine-One-One"
Voyager is offically re-named The Seven of Nine Show

"Hope and Fear With a Dash of Garlic"
An alien tries to get Voyager assimilated by the borg and Seven if Nine is more than happy to go until she learns that the collective assimilated the entire Talaxian race. Unwilling to spend eternity mentally bonded with twenty billion Neelixes, she walks through a forcefield and escapes.

SEASON FIVE

"Night"
Voyager has to fend for itself when the universe forgets to pay the light bill.

"Drone"
Seven of Nine and the Doctor have a baby which Borg civil services tries to relocate. Baby Borg gives the word, "Problem Child" new meaning.

"Extreme Risk"
The crew of Voyager construct a hot rod to participate in an intergalactic drag race. Torres gets bummed and puts sugar in the gas tank.

"In the Flesh"
Chakotay dates 8472. (Folks, I couldn't make that up if I tried!)

"Once Upon a Time"
Neelix sees a scary movie and wets himself. Voyager finally graduates to the NexGen level by coming up with their own version of Wesley Crusher.

"Timeless"
Harry, Chakoaty, and the Doctor save the entire Voyager crew from a horrible and isolated death, so Geordi LaForge kills them.

"Infinite Regrets"
Seven of Nine gets taken over by a kah-jillion other personalities who all want nothing more than Kate Mulgrew's autograph.

"Nothing Human"
Torres is assaulted by a giant wood tick and the Doctor races against time to replicate a gigantic pair of tweezers.

"Thirty Daze"
Paris is justly demoted for bringing back the flying submarine from Journey to the Bottom of the Sea.

"Counterpoint"
Janeway finally has an excuse to dissolve Tuvok in a transporter beam.

"Latent Image"
The Doctor goes crazy when he makes the choice to save Harry instead of a nameless ensign. Understandable.

"The Bribe of Chaotica"
When Tom's holodeck program goes wacky, Janeway becomes a Star Trek fan.

"Gravity"
Tuvok dates Tank Girl.

"Bliss-ter"
A large alien space beast gives new meaning to the phrase, "Eat me."

"Dork Frontier"
Borg civil services relocate Seven of Nine.

"The Disease"
Harry gets herpes despite Janeway's warnings to stay away from "alien floosies".

"Course: Oblivious"
Duplicates of the Voyager crew lead happy and carefree lives and for that they all must die horribly.

"The Fight"
Chakotay gets his ass kicked while Boothby laughs at him.

"Think Tank"
The Voyager crew can't stop themselves from saying saying "Yada, yada, yada..."

"Juggernaut"
UPN proves that Voyager isn't a terrible and stupid show, it's just on a terrible and stupid network! Was anyone able to watch this episode!?

"Someone To Watch Over Me"
The doc develops a crush on Seven of Nine, but has to come to the painful truth that it's just a Summer thing.

"12:00"
Janeway remebers when her great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, grandmother couldn't program her VCR to record Star Trek.

"Relativity"
Starfleet officers from the future recruit Seven of Nine for a suicide mission over and over again so they can repeatedly say, "Oh my god, they killed Seven! You Bastards!"

"Warhead"
The Voyager crew is outsmarted by a smart bomb.

"Equinox"
Voyager finds another starship in the Delta Quadrant violating P.E.T.A. guidelines.

SEASON SIX

"Equinox II: The Sequel"
Captain Ransom proves that he's not a bad guy, just misguided. Janeway turns into Satan and sends Chakotay to his room without any supper. Voyager picks up some hitchhikers and makes them chip in for gas.

"Survival In-Stinks"
Seven and some other Borg have a camp out. Ron Moore short-sheets their bunks. No Ron! Don't leave! We love you!

"Barging in on the Dead"
B'Ellanna dies and ends up on the Klingon version of Titanic. She promises her mother that she will "never let go" and then wonders where that cute little Leonardo DiCaprio got off to.

"Tinkor Tenor Doctor Spy"
The Doctor fantasizes about women on Voyager... and a few men!!! Dum dah dum dam daaaahhh!!!

"Alice in Blunderland"
Tom Paris dates a shuttle.

"One Small Step"
Voyager finally finds out what happened to that pesky Mars Polar Lander that NASA lost.

"Dragon's Teets"
Voyager is threatened by a technologically inferior species.

"The Voyager Conspiracy"
Seven of Nine discovers that Voyager was sent to the Delta Quadrant on purpose by a sinister and all-powerful organization known only by the letters U, P, and N.

"Pathfinder"
Barcaly manages to phone Voyager, but Janeway refuses to accept any collect calls.

"Fair Haven"
Tom Paris journeys to the holodeck to discover the secret ingredient in Irish Spring soap.

"Tsunkatse"
Seven of Nine beats up the Rock for always referring to himself in the third person.

"Blink of an Eye"
Voyager happens upon a planet where the lifespans are almost as short as the average classic Trek redshirt.

"Virtuoso"
The Doctor leaves Voyager to join a boy-band. He returns however, when they won't let him be "the cute one".

"Collective"
Seven of Nine flies to a Borg cube on an umbrella to play nanny to a bunch of Borg brats.  Janeway kidnaps them and puts them in a stove.

"Memorial"
The crew of Voyager takes a hundred dollars worth of pennies to Wal-Mart to help build the World War II Memorial.

"Boring Folk"
Voyager tries to squeeze as many Irish stereotypes as they can into 60 minutes.

"Asses to Asses"
Desperate for a date, Harry tries necrophelia.

"Child's Play"
Chucky tries to kill the Voyager crew.  Naomi locks him in her toychest.

"Good Shepard"
Janeway takes a field trip with a shuttle-full of loosers.   One ejects himself into space.

"Live Fast and Perspire"
Alien con artists sell Janeway the Broklyn Bridge.

"Muse"
B'Ellanna dates Shakespeare.

"Furry"
Kes returns to Voyager to kill the crew....  but mostly Seven of Nine.

"Life Lines"
Janeway is stumped and has to phone a friend.

"The Haunting of Deck 12"
When all the power on Voyager goes out and leaves the ship in darkness, Neelix tries to keep the Borg brats calm by telling them a bone-chilling tale about death and ghosts.  Where the hell did you learn to babysit, Neelix!?

"Unimatrix Zero"
The Borg Queen goes balistic when she finds out her drones are daydreaming.  Chakotay ruins the whole cliffhanger with one line.  Way to go, tattoo boy!

SEASON SEVEN

"Unimatrix Zero: Part Duex"
The Borg Queen goes for a walk in the park but still can't escape those weird green spotlights.

"Imperfection"
Seven has a problem with implants.  I'll leave the joke to you.

"Sex Drive"
When Tom and B'Ellanna puts the Delta Flyer in a drag race, the most fearsome force in the universe raises its ugly head... marrage!

"Depression"
Tuvok did it.  In the hall.  With the phaser.

"Critical Condition"
The Doctor is put in an HMO and has to wait four weeks for an asprin.

"Inside Out Man"
The Doctor has to hide in Seven's body and spends an entire episode looking at himself in a full sized mirror.

"Nightingale"
Kim takes command of an alien ship but is forced to walk the plank when he gets too big for his britches.

"Flesh and Blood"
The Doctor helps save a bunch of holograms from slavery.  Soon, he's campaining for toaster ovens and Mr. Coffees everywhere.

"Shattered"
Voyager is broken up into different timeframes except for the bridge which remains on daylight savings time.

"Lineage"
Torres gets knocked up and decides to do a little plastic surgury on the baby.  Paris steps in before Torres springs for the tummy tuck and boob job.

"Repentance"
Seven of Nine falls in love with psychotic character actor, Jeff Kober.  She ends the relationship when he forces her to watch The Third Power.

"Prophecy"
Voyager encounters Klingons in the Delta Quadrant and even they can't explain where the bumpy heads came from after classic Trek.

"The Void"
Voyager is sucked into a cosmic wastebasket and must deal with the trash.

"Workforce Part One: The Early Years"
Janeway and crew are shanghied into working 9 to 5.  Seven gets a huge hairdo and changes her name to Doralee.

"Workforce Part Two:  The Wrath of Khan"
Catbert threatens to destroy Voyager so the crew inlists the help of Dogbert to escape.

"Berman and Bragga's Error"
Seven of Nine turns Chakotay on... because he's a hologram!  (Rimshot!)

"IQ=2"
Q's son visits Voyager, annoys everyone, and comes off as a complete smart ass.  Janeway makes him an acting ensign.

"Author, Author"
The Doctor joins Oprah's 'Book of the Month' Club.

"Friendship One, Enemyship Zero"
Voyager tracks down an ancient earth probe... up Tuvok's butt.

"Natural Law"
Seven of Nine and Chakotay crash in a land of primatives... North Dakota.

"Density"
Neelix finally proves himself a capable crewman by saving thousands of innocents from destruction, so Voyager leaves him behind.

"Renaissance Man"
The Doctor is sued for writing a parody of Gone With the Wind.

"The Endgame"
Janeway travels back in time to put right what once went wrong and to change history for the better.  Strangely, it is at this time that trekkies everywhere learned that Scott Bakula was cast in Enterprise.  See you next fall!

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