Sliders Meet the X-Files
By Jason Donner
The Long-Awaited (And Expanded) Sliders / X-Files Crossover
TV Guide Listing: The Sliders meet the Filers on FOX!
Yule Log Listing: SEX! Now that we have your attention...Watch Sliders!
With special guest stars:
Muhammed Ali Burt Ward Dolly Parton
Carrie Fisher O.J. Simpson Connie Chung
And
Quinton Terintino
as
"The Clumsy Waiter"
Episode Title: "The Tooth is Out There"
Teaser:
The Sliders are walking down a street in San Francisco, wearing nice clean
clothes. (go fig)
Wade: [Voiceover] We've been on this world for almost a week now, and I
think everyone is glad this slide is almost over. I
can't imagine how anyone could live on a world where
toothbrushes were never invented!
As the group nears the street corner, a woman wearing a mink coat and
pearls walks up to them.
Woman: Excuse me, could one of you boys tell me what time it is?
Arturo: Of course Madame, It's 2:30.
Woman: Thank you dear. [She smiles revealing a row of decayed teeth]
Arturo: Good god woman!
Rembrandt: That's disgusting!
Quinn: That's it! We can't slide off this world without helping these
people!
Arturo: Mr. Mallory, might I remind you that we know nothing of this
world and...
Wade: Oh come on professor, it's not going to hurt anything to teach these
people about good oral hygiene!
Quinn jumps on Arturo's back (Much to Arturo's surprise) and gets the
crowd's attention.
Quinn: People! People! You don't have to go on like this! We come from
a world where there is a wonderful thing called flouride. It helps
build better teeth and gums.
Onlooker: Healthy teeth and gums!? That's just a myth! Nothing can stop
tooth decay!
Quinn: Oh yeah? Then take a gander at these babies!
[Quinn shows his pearly whites]
Onlooker #1: He has white teeth!
Onlooker #2: His breath doesn't smell!
Onlooker #3: Wait! They all have perfect teeth!
[A moment of stunned silence among the crowd]
Onlooker #1: Let's get 'em!
[The crowd turns into a mob as they charge after the sliders]
Arturo: I recommend an action that harkens back to our childhood's.
Rembrandt: Cry?
Arturo: No RUN!
[The Sliders make a run for it. Quinn, who is still on Arturo's shoulders
gets knocked senseless by a streetlight. Wade and Rembrandt help him up and
continue running]
Wade: How much time!?
Arturo: [holding the timer] 5 seconds!
[Arturo points the timer straight up into the air]
Sliders: NO!
Arturo: Huh? OH!
[Arturo points it closer to the ground, the timer starts to beep and the
wormhole appears]
Arturo: Miss Wells, would you like to go fir...?
[Wade jumps in followed by Quinn and Rembrandt. Arturo, looking really
disgusted because no one ever asks him to jump first, leaps in. The mob
stops right in front of the vortex looking in, not knowing what to make of
it.]
Onlooker #2: What do you make of it?
Onlooker #1: I don't know, but they have pretty teeth, therefore they
must die!
[Onlooker #2 jumps in. Onlooker #1 looks fearful, then shrugs]
Onlooker #1: Aww, what the hell?
[Onlooker #2 follows, just before the wormhole closes]
COMMERCIAL BREAK
============================
Act 1 [little subtitles on the screen say, "FBI Headquarters: 12:54 PM"]
Scully: Mulder, what's so important that you drag me away from my Subway
sandwich?
Mulder: Look at this. [goes to his slide projector] These pictures where
taken in San Francisco just a few hours ago, I got them over the
internet. What do you make of them?
Scully: It looks like a naked woman riding a zebra.
Mulder: Oops! Sorry, wrong picture. This is the one I wanted you to see.
Scully: Hmmm, It appears to be two dead people with gross teeth.
Mulder: Exactly! These two were shot after trying to pull the teeth out of
this man, one Hugh G. Rection. Mr. Rection never saw the two
before, but he said they were screaming "...die you white toothed
freak!" The police came over and wasted them shortly afterward.
Scully: They shot them all? Even Mr. Rection?
Mulder: [after a moment of confusion] N.. No, they shot the attackers.
Scully: Oh, well use better grammar Mulder! Do we have an ID on the two
attackers?
Mulder: Yes, one was able to give a name to police before he died.
Scully: What was it?
Mulder: "Onlooker #2".
Scully: What kind of a stupid name is that?
Mulder: You'd think they were from another planet, huh?
Scully: Yeah, it's really... OH NO! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Mulder: Look at this article from the Weekly World News, dated March 1987.
A man named Ben Dover from Spittoon, Arkansas claimed that aliens
beamed down and tried to pull out his dentures!
Scully: Yeah Mulder! And look at the article right next to it! "Satan
lives in my Juicer!" This is stupid Mulder! Even for you!
Mulder: Come on Scully! Let's go to San Francisco and find those alien
dentists!
Scully: Listen, I have my evening planned, I was going to watch that show
on FOX tonight, you know, "Gliders" or "Spiders" or something like
that.
Mulder: There pre-empting it to show "Space: Above and Beyond."
Scully: Dammit! Alright! San Francisco it is!
Mulder: OH! Thank you Scully! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!
Scully: Mulder put me down!
The Scene changes to the lobby of the Dominion Hotel, where the Sliders are
checking in.
Clerk: OK, and how long will you be staying with us?
Rembrandt: Oh, about three days.
Clerk: Will that be cash or charge?
Rembrandt: Charge [hands clerk a credit card]
Clerk: OK, Mr... [reads card] Arturo. It will be just a few minutes.
Rembrandt walks to the waiting area where Quinn and Wade are waiting for him.
Rembrandt: Well guys, I got us a room.
Wade: Rembrandt, I've been meaning to ask you, how do you get us rooms in a
swanky place like the Dominion when we never have any money?
Rembrandt: That's not important. What's the story with this world, Q-ball?
Quinn: Apparently, it's identical to our world...
Rembrandt: You mean we're home!?
Quinn: ...except none of us exist here. I tried looking up my mom in a
phonebook. Nothing.
Rembrandt: Damn! So, where's the professor?
Quinn: Oh, he uhhh... went to the mens room.
As if on cue, good ol' Proff. Arturo waddles in.
Arturo: I just realized something odd.
Quinn; What's that professor?
Arturo: Odd. You know; strange, peculiar, weird... For god's sake Mr.
Mallory! You're supposed to be a genius!
Quinn: I MEAN, what did you realize?
Arturo: oh, uhh... I just realized my American Express card is missing!
Rembrandt: I... Uhhh... I.. I'm sure it's... uhh.... Maybe you left it on
another world!
Arturo: Ahhh, perhaps.
Clerk: Excuse me folks, your room is ready!
Wade: Thank goodness, I could use a nap.
Quinn: I could use some aspirin.
Rembrandt: I could use a drink.
Arturo: I could use a shower.
Sliders: [after soaking in Arturo's remark] Yes!
As the Sliders leave the lobby, Agents Scully and Mulder enter.
Scully: My god! I can't believe how fast that jet we rode in went.
Mulder: Yes, the XGH-7853, a state of the art supersonic fighter. Why the
trip from Washington to San Francisco alone probably cost the
taxpayers over a billion dollars!
Scully: You know Mulder, it's this kind of wreckless spending that's causing
this country to go down the toilet! As government officials, it
should be our duty to be more cost-conscience!
Mulder: So, what do we want? The presidential suite?
Scully: Do they leave those little bon-bons on the pillow?
Mulder: Yeah, I've still got that one stuck in my ear. Hey, what's that?
As Mulder bend down we see the timer lying on the lobby floor. Mulder
curiously picks it up and inspects it.
Scully: It looks like a cellular phone.
Mulder: I don't remember cel-phones with a countdown.
Scully: A what!?
Mulder: A countdown. Look, there's a clock on this thing, it's counting
down to zero.
Scully: My god, could it be a bomb?
Mulder: Well, if it goes boom in... 23 hours and 12 minutes, we'll know!
At this point, the scene changes to a shot of Arturo in the shower.
As he scrubs himself off, a dark figure approaches in the background. The
figure raises a hand revealing a knife. Suddenly, the music blares! EEE!
EEE! EEE! EEE! EEE! EEE! Shot changes again to the writers at a computer.
"No, that's stupid." one says. "Let's try this."
Scene changes again. Now Arturo walk out of the shower wearing a robe.
Arturo: I must say, I feel better!
Wade: You smell better!
Arturo: WHAT!?
Wade: I said, "Do you smell butter?"
Arturo: Hmmm.
Rembrandt: So how much longer do we got to stay on this world Q-ball?
Quinn: Let's see... [he digs in his pocket searching for the timer, but
only finds a huge hole in the bottom of it] ...ho boy!
Arturo: What's a matter my boy?
Quinn: The timer's gone!
Wade, Arturo, and Rembrandt look at one another, then laugh.
Wade: No, seriously Quinn, where is it?
Quinn: It's gone!
Wade, Arturo, and Rembrandt laugh again, this time for so long, Quinn
forgets what they were laughing about in the first place and starts
laughing with them. This continues for a good half-hour.
Arturo: Ha! Ha! HA! Oh, mercy! Now, how long till we slide?
Quinn: Ha! Ha! Huh? Oh! I told you, the timer is missing!
Wade: Quinn, this whole laughing bit stopped being funny about ten minutes
ago. Just tell us how long until we slide?
Quinn: Do I have to spell it out for you people!? Read my lips!
The-timer-is-missing! Gone! Disappeared! Not here! El Timero
es no hero!
Rembrandt: Sooooo.... You're serious?
Quinn: YES!
Rembrandt: I'M GONNA KILL YOU MAN!!!
The scene changes to the hallway outside the slider's room where agents
Scully and Mulder are walking by.
Rembrandt: [voice carrying through the walls] YOU ARE A DEAD MAN Q-BALL!
Scully: Mulder! Did you hear that!? Someone's going to kill a man named
Q-ball!
Mulder: That's a real dumb name.
Scully: Mulder! "Agent Q-Ball"! The FBI's best agent! He's in trouble!
Mulder: Who's "Agent Q-Ball"?
Scully: Don't you read the reports?
Mulder: Well.... no.
The scene changes back to the hotel room where Rembrandt is choking Quinn on
the bed.
Rembrandt: YOU LOST OUR ONE AND ONLY CHANCE TO GET HOME! YOU'RE
DEAD!
Quinn: Get... a grip... crying... man!
Wham! The door is kicked in! Scully and Mulder barge in, typical FBI style
and pull their guns. Mulder accidentally pulls his cellular phone, but
quickly corrects himself.
Scully: FBI!!! DON'T MOVE!
Mulder: HANDS IN THE AIR!
Scully: Where's agent "Q-Ball?"
Rembrandt: Agent who?
Scully: "Q-BALL!"
Quinn: [gasping for breath] Me?
Scully: No! Not you! Agent "Q-Ball!" We heard you attacking him in here.
Rembrandt: Listen sugar, I wasn't attacking no secret agent! I was
attacking this little twerp right here! I call him "Q-ball"
too!
Mulder: Scully, I have the distinct impression we've made a major boo-boo.
Scully: I think you're right. On behalf of the FBI, we would like to offer
our most humble apologies for barging into your hotel room, putting
your lives in danger, yada, yada,yada.
Arturo: APOLOGIES!? My dear woman! How can you...
Mulder's cell-phone rings
Mulder: [answers] Mulder. Hello? Hello? Hello, is anyone there?
Scully, my phone's broken.
Scully: That's not your phone Mulder, that's that doohicky we found in the
lobby!
Wade: The timer!
Mulder: [Answers his real phone] Mulder. Yes, I am interested in
long-distance service! Very interested!
Quinn: Excuse me, that thing you found in the lobby! It's ours!
Scully: It's yours huh? Well what is it then?
Quinn: It's a... uhh...
Rembrandt: Timer! [group looks at Rembrandt] Sorry! I panicked!
Mulder: A timer for what? A bomb?
Wade: No! It's a high-tech egg timer!
Scully: What kind of an egg timer times for 24 hours?
Wade: That kind apparently!
Scully: I don't buy it. You're all under arrest!
As the scene fades to black, Scully and Mulder handcuff the group.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
============================
The scene changes to The X-Filers shoving the Sliders into the back seat of
the Mercedes the government rented for them.
Mulder: This would go a lot smoother if you just told the truth!
Quinn: OK, but you won't believe us!
Mulder: Try me.
Quinn: We are travelers going from one dimension to another via that device
that you're holding. Unfortunately, due to an error I made and bad
writing, we can't get home. In less than 24 hours, we leave this
world, or "slide" as I call it.
Scully: That is, without a doubt, the dumbest, most lame excuse I've ever
heard from any group of people in my entire life! Only a complete
idiot would believe a story like that! No! NO! I take it back,
only the biggest moron on the face of this or any other earth
would swallow a story like that! Only the biggest...
Mulder: I believe them Scully.
Scully: I rest my case.
Mulder: Think about it. They don't look like they belong on this world, I
mean, look at them. They're all so... light and cheerful. Not
moody and dark like everything else!
Scully: Mulder, they are bombers! End of subject!
Mulder: What evidence do we have? A cellular phone that goes, "beep beep
beep beep"?
Besides, we're not here to investigate bombings, we're here to
investigate the tooth-decay attackers!
Arturo: Tooth-decay attackers!?
Mulder: You know them?
Arturo: As a matter of fact...
At this point I want to jump in and summarize what happened in the
car ride between the dominion hotel and the San Francisco morgue since the
dialogue in this story is starting to get way too weird. Mulder and
Scully listen to the story of the Sliders on "tooth world" Mulder believes
everything while Scully fumes and makes snide remarks about Mulder's
intelligence, sexual preferences, and hair. Finally, much to Scully's
dismay, Mulder lets the Sliders out of the handcuffs in exchange for their
help. As we return to our heroes, Scully is pointing out that they are
nearing the city morgue.
Scully: Here's the city morgue.
Wade: What are we doing here?
Scully: I'm going to kill Mulder.
The scene changes to the morgue's cold storage room, where the Sliders and
X-Filers are gathered around a table with a sheet covering what lies on
it. Scully slowly lifts the sheet and reveals to the Sliders what is
underneath. Sliders react in horror.
Arturo: God!
Wade: Eww!
Quinn: Gasp!
Rembrandt: Oh, cover it up girl!
Scully: You mean this isn't the buffet you ordered?
Rembrandt: No, we wanted a pizza buffet! This is health food!
Scully: I'll tell them to take it back. I brought you down here to identify
a couple of bodies.
Wade: Coooool! I've never seen a real live dead body before! Wait a
minute! Who's that!?
Scene changes to reveal Peg Bundy weeping over a dead body.
Peg: Oh Al! Why? Oh Why, Al? Boo-hoo-hoo!
Officer: Is this your husband Al Bundy?
Peg: No! Why COULDN'T it be Al!?? Whaaaaaaaaa!
Scene Changes to reveal Sliders looking at bodies of Onlooker #1 and #2.
Quinn: Yep! They're dead all right!
Arturo: We encountered them on the last world we were on. Apparently,
their society had a taboo about brushing their teeth.
Scully: All righty then, I guess I'd better do an autopsy.
Mulder: Why? They were shot over twenty times in the head, chest, and
groin, I think it's a safe bet that THAT'S what they died from!
Scully: We can never be too sure!
Mulder: Scully! There's no...
Scully: I said, asshole, I want to do an autopsy!
Mulder: Ok fine.
As Mulder and the Sliders exit the morgue, Scully whips out a chainsaw,
laughs hideously, and goes to town. The scene changes to the hallway.
Mulder: So, professor Arturo, do you believe in U.F.O.'s , psychic
phenomenon, ESP, Bigfoot, The Loch Ness Monster, Aliens, the Marfa
Lights, Elvis Presley, Angels, Freddy Kruger, Demon Possession,
Wookies, Spiderman, or Santa Claus?
Arturo: You are a sad, strange little man Agent Mulder.
Mulder: Hey, you believe in interdimensional gliding!
Arturo: Sliding!
Mulder: Whatever! Who's to say there isn't intelligent life in the
universe! Who's to say that bigfoot is nothing but a myth? Who's
to say that we aren't being visited by travelers from the future?
Arturo: Mr. Mulder, if we are being visited by travelers from the future,
than you can shave me bald and call me Kojak!
Picard: Excuse me gentlemen, but can you tell me were I may find the
restroom?
Mulder: Down the hall.
Picard: Mercie!
Arturo: Like I was saying, time travel is impossible!
Mulder: How can you say that with the reports of missing time in alien
abduction cases.
Dr. Who: (Running by) Ahhhhh! Help!
Daleks: (in pursuit) EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!
Arturo: Alien Abduction!? Aliens are just as unlikely as time travel!
Mulder: That's not true!?
Sigourney Weaver: (Grabbing Arturo by the collar) It's here! Run! Run
for your lives!
Arturo: Was that Sinead O'Conner? Anyway getting back to the time travel
thing, Time don't even exist, so how could you travel through it?
Mulder: What about the famous McGreagor case?
Doc Brown: [walks by then looks at his watch] Great Scott!
Arturo: What McGreagor case?
Mulder: A man flies though the Bermuda triangle on a trip that's supposed to
take three hours, but it only takes one!
Arnold Swarzeneger: Sara Connor?
Arturo: Do I look like I'm named Sara Connor you blistering idiot!?
Arnold Swarzenneger: I'll be back.
Arturo: I never heard of the McGreagor Case!
Mulder: Ok, I made it up.
At that moment, Scully emerges from the morgue covered head to toe in blood.
Scully: Well... They're dead.
Mulder: We know.
Scully: I just wanted to make sure.
Mulder: Right.
The two look at each other for a good five minutes as the Sliders get bored
and leave.
===================
COMMERCIAL BREAK
===================
Back at the Dominion hotel, Mulder receives an unwelcome guest.
[knock! knock! knock! knock! knock!]
Mulder: Who's there?
Man: Candygram.
Mulder: Candygram? Who could be sending me a candy... (Mulder opens the
door only to face a huge cloud of cigarette smoke. The smoke
slowly clears to reveal...)
Mulder: CANCERMAN!?
Cancerman: No offense Mr. Mulder, but who did you expect? Your fairy
godmother?
Mulder: Don't give me that! I know that the government's been hiding
the truth about fairy godmothers for over fifty years! Now, what
do you want, you son of a bitch!?
Cancerman: Mr. Mulder please! Children could be reading this!
Mulder: Hey! Scully! Get in here!
Cancerman: Now is it really necessary to call the sweet agent Scully in
on this...
Scully: What are YOU doing here, you son of a bitch!?
Cancerman: I just dropped by to let you know that we know that you know!
Mulder: Ok... know about what?
Cancerman: Don't play coy with me Mulder! We know all about your recent
discovery. You know, those.... uh... those...
Mulder: Sliders?
Cancerman: Yeah, those sliders! And that.... thing... you know! The...
uh....
Mulder: Timer?
Cancerman: Right... the uh.... timer! The timer that let's the sliders...
uh...
Mulder: Travel between parallel worlds?
Cancerman: Your kidding me! Uh... I mean, we already knew that! We know
about the Sliders and the timer and the time traveling!
Mulder: You mean, the interdimensional travel?
Cancerman: That's what I said! The interdimensional travel! So, you'd
just better watch out for your little slider friends who are staying
in room... uh...
Mulder: Room 113?
Cancerman: Exactly! (with a final puff of exhaust, Cancerman departs)
Scully: Oh gee Mulder, great little secret we had once!
Mulder: That man's resources must be enormous to figure out secrets so
fast!
Scully: Come on Mulder, we'd better get to the sliders room and stand
guard, there's no telling what that jerk has in store for them.
Later in room #113
Quinn: So, who is this cigarette smoking man again?
Scully: He's our boss.
Wade: Your boss?
Mulder: Kinda.
Arturo: So, this cigarette-smoking man is more than likely going to do
something unpleasant to us.
Scully: I'm afraid so, although I fail to understand what he would want
with four people fraudulently claiming to be from an alternate
reality.
Mulder: Scully, we aren't here to debate the validity of the sliders story,
we are here to protect them from Cancerman!
Rembrandt: Look guys, we slide in about five hours, if we can hang on until
then, we're home free!
Wade: Rembrandt's got a point! What can some old guy do to us?
Scully: Don't be fooled by cancerman's appearance, he may look like a frail
old fart on the edge of emphaziema-ville, but trust us... he's
evil! EVIL! EVIL tell you! He could steal a jock strap from a
professional football player during the super bowl!
Wade: That's more than I needed to know.
[knock! knock! knock!]
Mulder: Who's there?
Voice: [deep voice] house... uh.. ahem... [high voice] housekeeping!
Mulder: Come on in.
[Cancerman enters wearing a maids dress. None of the good guys notice.]
Cancerman: [high voice and fake Spanish accent] I'll just be a me-neat.
Mulder: Fine. Fine. Fine.
Wade: Do you think that Cancerman is going to try to kidnap one of us?
Mulder: Possibly, but it's more likely that he will steal your timer.
Quinn: Professor, where did you put the timer?
Arturo: It's in a zip-loc bag in the toilet's holing tank. [Cancerman
listens and smiles]
Cancerman: [German accent] Do you need uhn towels?
Wade: No.
Cancerman: Vell zen, let me get you more free zoap!
Quinn: Ve don't... [ahem] We don't need any free soap!
Cancerman: Fine den! I need to sheck you bat-room for dee cockroaches!
Mulder: Cockroaches? We already covered that in an episode.
Cancerman: Zorry, Dominion Otel poly-zee.
Scully: Whatever, get in there and check then please leave! [Cancerman
ducks into the bathroom. loud splashing is heard]
Quinn: As long as the timer is hidden it's safe.
Mulder: I wouldn't be so sure. That son a bitch, Cancerman, is probably
putting some kind of diabolical scheme into action right this
minute.
Cancerman: [emerging from bathroom soaking wet hiding something behind his
back] [French accent] Vell, no cockroaches, I must be leaving.
Rembrandt: Wait, can you bring us a few extra pillows?
Cancerman: Sorry mousier, but you obviously have moi confused weeth
zomeone who cares what you want! [he exits]
Wade: I still say the maids here are more polite than the ones at Motel 6.
Quinn: Professor, why don't you hide the timer somewhere else. I'd hate
to get stuck here if that zip-loc bag springs a leak.
Arturo: Good thinking my boy!
Mulder: does anyone else here smell cigarette smoke?
Scully: Oh Mulder, it's just your (cough cough) imagination.
Arturo: AUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHH!!!
Rembrandt: What's wrong professor?
Arturo: I saw a cockroach! Blasted french maid!
Wade: French? I thought she was Spanish.
Scully: I thought she was German!
Mulder: Something's not stirring the Kool-aid.
Quinn: [a pause] That... goes without saying.
Arturo: AUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHH!
Rembrandt: What now?
Arturo: The timer's gone!
[Everyone but Arturo starts laughing - Later in the hotel lobby, Cancerman
meets up with Krychek]
Krychek: You know sir, you really don't put your heart into your diabolical
schemes like you used to.
Cancerman: Whatever works Mr. Krychek. The timer is now in my possession.
Krychek: Wait a minute, I just thought of something!
Cancerman: What?
Krychek: Doesn't the fact that you and I are buddies again sort of blow
continuity out of the water?
Cancerman: [lights cigarette] Come now Mr. Krychek, the last thing I'm
going to let stand in my way is continuity.
Krychek: Right... well, now that you have that timer thingy, what are you
going to do with it? Cancerman: [mumbles] I dunno.
Mulder: It was Cancerman! That son of a bitch put on a dress to steal your
timer! That is about as low as I have ever seen him sink!
Scully: I don't believe it, he even flushed all of our toilet paper.
Wade: Agent Scully?
Scully: Yes Wade?
Wade: Can't you call Cancerman something else rather than, "son of a..."
you know.
Rembrandt: Yeah, our show comes on an hour before yours, we are only
allowed to say that maybe once an episode!
Scully: Say, Mulder! The sliders say we can't cuss anymore!
Mulder: Really? That sucks.
Quinn: Guys! I think we're getting a little sidetracked here! We've
gotta find cancerman and get our timer back!
Mulder: Your absolutely right Quinn. Cancerman always leaves a heavy
trail of smoke behind him everywhere he walks. We can follow it
and then get the timer back!
Wade: What if he's not smoking?
Scully: Well then, follow the foul body odor.
Later, we see a private jet streaking through a desert sky. On board,
Cancerman and Krychek are plotting.
Krychek: B-12!
Cancerman: Miss! A-3!
Krychek: Miss! C-14!
Cancerman: [miffed look] Hit. You sank my battleship.
Krychek: YES!!!! Ooooooo! IN YOUR FACE!
Cancerman: Mr. Krychek, have you ever wondered what it would be like to
die of a heart attack? Or E-Boli? Or hemorrhoids?
Krychek: How about lung cancer? You can't touch me, you old fossil! I
have connections higher in the government than you do!
Cancerman: You don't mean...!
Krychek: 20th century Fox!
Cancerman: Egads!
Krychek: Now how abouts telling me where the heck we're going you old son
of a...
Cancerman: [interrupting] We are going to Area 51!
Krychek: You mean where the U.F.O.... er... I mean, that THING we found
in Roswell which is not supposed to exist is kept.
Cancerman: Precisely!
Back in San Fransisco...
Scully: Area 51!
Mulder: It's the most logical place for Cancerman to have taken the timer!
Scully: Mulder, just because the smoke trail ended here at the airport is
no reson to just assume that Cancerman took the timer to a place
that doesn't exist and if it did, we have no way of finding!
Quinn: What are you two talking about?
Scully: This pea-brain thinks that Cancerman carted your timer off to
Area 51.
Wade: You mean the place where they keep the UFO in Nevada?
Mulder: What did you say?
Wade: Area 51. It's that place in Nevada where...
Mulder: Nevada!
Scully: How do you know where Area 51 is?
Rembrandt: Man, everyone knows where Area 51 is!
Arturo: At least... on our world they do.
Mulder: Scully, pack your bags! We're going to Nevada!
Meanwhile, Cancerman and Krychek arrive at Area 51...
Krychek: So, this is Area 51!
Cancerman: Yep.
Krychek: Who's that guy coming towards us?
Cancerman: What do I look like? The answerman? Why don't you ask him!?
Krychek: All righty then, who are you?
Okun: Dr. Okun, welcome to Area 51, do you wish to make a deposit?
Cancerman: Yes, I wish to deposit this thingy. [holds up timer]
Okun: Sorry sir, we already have cellular phones, we're only interested
in...
Cancerman: It's not a cellular phone, you nitwit! It's some kind of...
uh...
Krychek: Timer.
Cancerman: Yeah timer! It... uh...
Krychek: Allows the owner to travel between parallel dimensions.
Cancerman: I KNOW THAT!
Okun: What's the countdown for? It's not going to blow up is it?
Cancerman: No... At least... I don't think so.
Okun: So what do you want us to do? Put it under guard?
Cancerman: Yes, but Krychek and I will guard it personally.
Krychek: Personally!?
Cancerman: Yes, personally! What are you, a parrot?
Krychek: But it's teen week on Wheel of Fortune!
Cancerman: Quit whining and be a man! Dr. Okun, we need a secure place to
put this timer.
Okun: Of course, follow me.
Dr. Okun leads Krychek and Cancerman down what appears to be a prison block.
Krychek: What is this place?
Okun: This is where the government stashes prisoners they deemed necessary
to... uh... imprison!
Cancerman: Is it me, or has the top secretness of this country gone down
the tubes in a few short hours?
Krychek: [ignoring Cancerman] Who's that!? My God it's...
Santa: Ho! Ho! Ho! Cancerman! You've been a very naughty boy this year!
Krychek: Look who's over there! It's...
Elvis: Say baby, you uh... gonna get me a donut? Thank you very much.
Krychek: What the hell is Mel Torme' doing here?
Cancerman: I forget.
Mel: Hey Elvis, what say we do a duo?
Elvis: That sounds like a great idea Mr. Torme'
Mel and Elvis: DING DONG! THE WITCH IS DEAD!
Elvis: WHICH OLD WITCH?
Mel: THE WICKED WITCH!
Mel and Elvis: DING DONG! THE WICKED WITCH IS...
Dr. Okun leads Cancerman and Krychek out of the prison block just in the
nick of time.
Okun: This is our most secure area, you can put the timer here.
Cancerman: Most secure area!? What about this broken window?
Okun: Sorry, cutbacks are hell!
Outside the gates of Area 51, A lone RV, driven by Mulder, pulls up to the
guard house.
Guard: Whoa! Hold up! Stop the vehicle please!
Mulder: Is there a problem?
Guard: Don't you know that this is a top secret government installation?
Mulder: Area 51?
Guard: Yeah.... uh... I mean... no! Uh, maybe! Oh...
Guard #2: Gee, great little top secret base we HAD.
Guard: No matter, you can't go in.
Mulder: Oh, I see. Well, maybe seeing THIS... [lifts a blanket revealing
Arturo with a twinkie in his mouth] ...will change your mind!
Arturo: Wha...? [creamy filling drips down his chin]
Guard: DEAR GOD! IT'S HIDEOUS! Let them through! Let them through!
Later at Area 51: Main Gate...
Okun: [running to the RV] How long has it been unconscious?
Doctor#1: It's not unconcious Dr. Okun, it's on a sugar rush!
Okun: A sugar rush! Prep him for surgery!
About 60 doctors and nurses drag Arturo from the RV and carry him into the
Area 51 ER.
Arturo: GET YOUR FILTHY HANDS OFF OF ME YOU BLISTERING IDIOTS!!!
As Arturo is carted off, Mulder, Scully, and the remaining sliders sneak
out of the RV.
Wade: What are they going to do to him agent Scully?
Scully: You're probably better off not knowing.
Mulder: Area 51! I don't believe it!
Scully: Neither do I.
Quinn: Ok, now that we're here, how do we find the timer? We only have one
hour before we slide.
Wade: That's easy Quinn, let's look at this map. [Wade goes to a map that
is much like you would find in any shopping map] Now, this is just
a guess, but I would say that we are here.
Scully: Where the arrow says, "You are here?"
Wade: Exactly! Now, I would say that THIS is where the timer is being kept.
Scully: Where is arrow says, "This is where the timer is being kept."
Wade: Bingo!
Rembrandt: Girl, you should've been a detective.
Wade: Hey, when you got it, you got it!
Mulder: Oh, brother.
In the Area 51 ER...
Okun: Ok, it's time.
Johnathan Frakes: Hello, I'm Johnathan Frakes, And welcome to another
exciting edition of, "Alien Autopsy!"
Okun: Who let him in here? Get him out of here!
Johnathan Frakes: [Several beefed-up guards begin dragging Frakes off] No
wait! Data! Don't do this to me! I need the money! DATA!
NOOOOO!
Okun: Now that THAT's out of the way. [picks up scalple]
Arturo: I am NOT a space alien you blistering idiot!
Okun: Yeah, right! Come on ET. Lay down.
Arturo: How can you preform an autopsy on me if I'm not even dead yeat!?
Okun: I never thought about that. Doctor Sevarius, do me a favor an kill
this alien.
Arturo: OH NO YOU DON'T!!! [Arturo breaks the straps holding him down,
grabs Okun, and holds a slide ruler to his head.] Don't come any
closer! I'll uh... solve his ass!
Okun: Do as he says! I think he's serious!
Arturo: I don't want to hear any alarms and don't follow us!
Okun: [hyterically crying] DON'T KILL ME!!!
Arturo: SHUT UP!
Arturo and his hostage back out of the ER leaving a bunch of totally
confused doctors and nurses. Meanwhile, Cancerman and Krychek guard the
timer.
Cancerman: At long last, Mr. Krychek, The secrets of interdimensional
travel will be mine! MINE I TELL YOU!!! MINE!!!!
Krychek: Are you ok sir?
Cancerman: Better than ever! I am about to become the most powerful man
in this or any other universe and no one can stop me! Nothing,
but nothing is getting me away from the timer! [he smiles and
lights a cigarette.]
Guard: Sorry sir, but this is a non-smoking area.
Cancerman: [a pause] I'll be outside.
Wade: [listening outside of that broken window Cancerman was bitching about]
Did you hear that? The Maraborlo man just left! That leaves two
people guarding the timer!
Mulder: I heard Cancerman say the name, "Krychek." Scully, do you think
it's possible that Cancerman and Krychek are working together again?
Scully: It's possible, but only due to extremely bad writing.
Rembrandt: Look you guys, it's not that I find this witless dialogue boring
or anything, but we slide in about 30 minutes! How the hell are
we going to get the timer away from those goons in there?
Quinn: We'll just have to be every bit as sneaky as Cancerman is.
Scully: How do you propose we do that?
Quinn: Just pretend you're a network executive and it sort of comes
naturally.
A few minutes later...
TV Audience: WHEEL... OF... FORTUNE!!!
Krychek: [to guard] Did you hear that? Wheel of Fortune is on!
Guard: I love that show!
Krychek: Oh, poo... We can't watch it because we have to guard this
stinking timer!
Guard: Come on! This is Area 51! What do you think is going to happen,
Two kids, a blues singer, and two FBI agents are going to steal it?
Gimmie a break!
Krychek: Good point! [Krychek and the Guard run to the prison block where
Elvis, Santa, and Mel Torme' are already watching Wheel of Fortune.]
Pat Sajak: [on TV] ...our next contestant, Conrad Bennish, is from San
Fransico.
Bennish: Yeah, uh... I'll take, "Start's with a 'G'" for 1000!
Pat Sajak: You're thinking of the wrong show. Shut up and pay attention!
With Krychek and the guard distracted, Wade sneaks in though the window and
nabs the timer.
Wade: I got it!
Quinn: Great now throw it out to us! Oops! Oh smooth move, grace! You
dropped it!
Scully: I WAS JUST TRYING TO HELP!!!
Wade: You guys shut up and get me out of here! Krychek and that guard
might come back!
Back in the prison block, Kychek and the guard are being beaten up by the
prisioners.
Elvis: Take THAT you ol' houndog! [hits Krychek across the face]
Mel: Yeah! I get a KICK out of you! [kicks Krychek in the groin]
Santa: It's time to get medevil on your ass!
Wade: Ok guys, lets find the professor and get out of here!
Quinn: We'd better hurry too! We only have five minutes before we slide!
Mulder: Wait just a darn minute! What is going on over there?
Rembrandt: It's the professor! And he has a hostage!
Okun: Dooooooon't kill me! Pleeeeeeeese don't kill me!
Arturo: SHUT UP!
Quinn: PROFESSOR!
Arturo: QUINN! My boy! I though I'd never see you again. (Which was
terrifying and nice at the same time!)
Scully: [brushing a tear from her cheek] I love happy reunions.
Okun: Oh great! There's more of you! Well, you'll never take me alive!
Rembrandt: Who's this yutz?
Okun: I am Doctor Pubert Okun.
Wade: Pubert?
Arturo: We slide in just under a minute.
Quinn: [to Mulder] I guess this is good-bye. Thank you for all of your
help.
Mulder: I'm going to miss you Quinn, I wish we could've learned more
about you.
Quinn: You could come with us agent Mulder, there's on heck of an adventure
waiting out there.
Mulder: Sorry kid, but my place is here... Friday nights, 7:00pm, 8:00pm
central on FOX. (check local listings)
Quinn: uhh, right.
Quinn activates the timer and the wormhole appears.
Scully: I still think that it's bogus.
Arturo: I take my leave of you now Madame'
Scully: It's about ti... uh, I mean, too bad.
Arturo: Good-bye agent Mulder.
Mulder: Toodles.
Arturo takes a header into the hole
Rembrandt: So long FBI type persons.
Mulder and Scully: Via Con Dios, El Crying Man!
Rembrandt dives to the wormhole, misses, gets up, then tries again.
Wade: I'll miss you agent Mulder! (give him a kiss on the cheek) Good-bye
agent Scully! (hugs her neck) And I'll miss you most of all
Scarecrow!
As Wade jumps into the wormhole, Scully and Mulder exchange puzzled looks.
Quinn: Well I guess this is it!
Mulder: Looks that way. Hey Maybe we'll meet again.
Quinn: Only if the ratings drop my friend.
Scully: I still don't buy this.
Quinn: Bye!
Quinn leaps into the wormhole and with a final flash of light, the wormhole
closes.
Okun: You IDIOTS!!! You let the aliens escape! I'll see you hang for
this!
Cancerman: So will I! I just saw what's left of agent Krychek in the
prison wing. It seems Santa Claus got a little rough on the lad.
Ohhhhh, you to are in it deep now!
Scully: That's it! I'm going to stop doing humanitarian stuff! It just
ain't worth it!
A few hours later, Skinner visits Mulder and Scully in jail.
Skinner: I can't leave you two alone for a second can I?
Mulder: Skinner, we were there! Area 51! And there were these
interdimensional travelers called Sliders and....
Skinner: SHUT UP MULDER! The only reason that you and agent Scully are
being let out of the big house is because the government owes a
certain celebrity a favor!
Scully: A celebrity? Who?
Mel Torme': Me. Hi, I'm Mel Torme'.
Later, Mulder and Scully are about to leave the jail to go back to
Washington
Scully: Thank god this fiasco is over! I never want to hear about sliding
or UFO's or anything like that again!
Mulder: Yeah, Think of it Scully, traveling through the dimensional plane,
exploring brand new worlds, boldly going where no one has gone
before! Not knowing where you'll end up next! Facing worlds with
infinite possibilities. Finding new...
HONK HONK!
Scully: Mulder! Get in the car!
Mulder: Oh, right. So, what now?
Scully: I've got to meet my idiot nephew at the airport.
Mulder: Oh yeah! What's his name? Conrad Bennish?
Scully: Yeah dude, that's like totally the one! Mulder? Is something
wrong?
Mulder: I'm just wondering where the Sliders are right this moment.
Scully, fed up with Mulder and any memory of the Sliders, steps on the gas
and peels out of the jail's parking lot, running down a Kromagg scout in
the process. Suddenly, the scene changes to reveal adobe huts and upright
walking apes dressed in strange military garb. Quinn is being lead down a
path by a leash. They pass cages filled with humans when...
Quinn: Oh God! Professor Arturo! You cut out his brain!
Arturo: (emerging from the back) No my boy, that's my counterpart. I'm
fine.
Quinn: Bennish? Oh god, you cut out his brain too!
Dr. Zaous: No we didn't! He was like that when we found him.
Bennish: Duuuuude.
Quinn: Let me go!
Quinn breaks free as several of the apes dogpile, uhhh apepile him.
Quinn: (held down, turning to camera) GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF ME YOU DAMNED
DIRTY APES!
Cut to black: roll credits.
Stay tuned for the next exciting episode of Sliders when the gang lands on
the Planet of the Apes!