Sliders Meet the X-Files IV: The One After Three and Before Five
Sliders Meet the X-Files IV: The One After Three and Before Five
Starring
Lance Hendrickson, Benji, Sandra Bernhardt, Jada Pinkett,
"Long Dong" Silver, Janet Reno,
and Tiger Woods
as "The Golfer that says, "Hi, My Name is Tiger Woods!"
EPISODE TITLE: What, Another One?
[We see an airplane flying over some clouds]
Scully: Dana Scully journal, January 3rd, 1997. Mulder and I have
journeyed to San Francisco to the home of my idiot nephew
Conrad Bennish Jr.. Conrad called the FBI to say that he
had discovered a way to "Slide" between parallel worlds like
those stupid people me and Mulder met a few weeks ago
called, "The Gliders", who fraudulently claimed to be from
another planet. If you ask me, This whole thing stinks.
Mulder: No it doesn't. The Sliders were real, as is this technology
your nephew has invented.
Scully: Dana Scully journal, January 4th, 1997. Note to self: Hide
journal from Mulder.
[We see Mulder and Scully drive out of the airport]
Mulder: You didn't have to hit me, you know...
Scully: Mulder, that journal is for me to send to Skinner and the
board of review completely debunking your theories and to
make you look like an idiot. Granted, you need little help
from me, but you shouldn't mess with it.
Mulder: All right. So, how is Bennish? I haven't seen him since he
got arrested for streaking at the Annual Southern Baptist
Convention.
Scully: Mulder!
Mulder: What!?
Scully: Do you want to get the X-Files boycotted too!?
Mulder: No..., anyways... How is Bennish?
Scully: He's a pot smoking, annoying, ego-maniac!
Mulder: Really? Well, he sounds like just the person to discover
sliding technology!
Scully: (Rolls eyes) Sure Mulder.
[Meanwhile, in Bennish's neighborhood, we see the slightly deranged alien
abductee, Duane Barry, running and screaming!]
Duane: AAAAAAAUUUUGGHHHHHH!!!
Passerby: What's wrong with you?
Duane: Duane Barry paid $7.50 to see Batman and Robin!
(Grabs passerby and shakes him violently) I PAID SEVEN
DOLLARS AND FIFTY CENTS!!!
Passerby: You poor, poor, man! Please, let me go!
Duane: DUANE BARRY SAW THE BAT-BUTT!!!
[Passerby manages to get loose and run away.]
Duane: Duane Barry's gotta go somewhere where there ain't no
Batman! Duane Barry's gotta get away!
[At Bennish's house]
Bennish: Aunt Scully! You look as beautiful as ever!
Mulder: I'm Fox Mulder, you idiot! This is Scully!
Bennish: Oh... right. Come on in guys, let me show you my
invention!
[Bennish, Scully, and Mulder go into Bennish's basement where they behold
all sorts of neat-looking but ultimately useless equipment. Bennish pulls
a timer our of a drawer.]
Bennish: THIS is the culmination of years and years and years of
research!
Scully: I thought you said you'd been working on briefs that don't
ride up.
Bennish: Yeah, well... this is a side effect of the anti-ride-up
technology.
Mulder: How does it work?
Bennish: Watch this! [Bennish activates the wormhole. In the
background, we see Duane Barry looking through one of the
ground-level windows of the basement]
Mulder: Look at that, Scully! It's an interdimensional vortex to a
parallel world! A doorway into the unknown!
Scully: It's obviously a mass hallucination, Mulder. Probably from
the radon in the basement.
Mulder: It's a real wormhole!
Scully: It's a trick of light, or an ignited methane pocket!
Mulder: It's a vortex!
Duane: What's that mean?
Mulder: Oh, hi Duane. This is a vortex to a parallel universe where
it's the same year, and you're the same person, only
everything else is different.
Duane: Are you telling Duane Barry that there might not be any
Batman on the other side of this blue thing?
Mulder: Uhhh... ok.
Duane: Duane Barry's going bye-bye!
[Duane Barry jumps into the vortex. It takes a moment for what has just
happened to register with Mulder, Scully, and Bennish.]
Mulder & Scully: DUANE BARRY!?
Scully: Omigod Mulder! We just let Duane Barry get away into a
hoaxed special effect!
Mulder: We have to go after him! Bennish, where does this
wormhole go!?
Bennish: I don't know, man! I just locked it onto the photon trail of
another wormhole in the multi-dimensional plain!
Mulder: [a pause] Scully, where does this wormhole go?
Scully: A secret room or a trapdoor.
Mulder: Bennish, we need to go after Duane Barry but we need a
way to get back!
Bennish: [gives timer to Mulder] Here, this timer is set for two
hours. When it beeps, you need to activate it and slide
back... if you don't you'll be stuck there for 29 years!
Scully: Won't be so bad. It least we won't have to watch
Millennium anymore.
Mulder: Like we ever did!
[Mulder and Scully bust up laughing]
Bennish: Guys?
Mulder & Scully: What?
Bennish: The wormhole?
Mulder & Scully: Oh!
[Mulder and Scully leap into the vortex which slowly closes]
-------------------------------------------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Coming this summer from Universal Pictures...
[Arturo and Carla Purty are talking in a classroom]
Purty: I'm a big fan of your work.
Arturo: Oh, thank you very much, I'm fatter... uh... flattered!
Narrator: Sliders has ripped off, Tremors, Anaconda, and Twister...
now, Sliders takes on a bad new realm! COMEDY!!!
[Arturo observes an army of hamsters overrunning a college campus]
Arturo: Oh my goodness!
Narrator: Maximillion Arturo is...
[cut to a scene where Arturo is eating dinner with his family (all played
by John Rhys-Davies]
Arturo's Mom: I'm thinking about going down and having my colon
cleansed thoroughly.
Arturo's Dad: Talking 'bout cleaning your colon? Fine, I'm gonna
clean mine right now! [farts loudly] There, it's clean and
I'm talking squeaky clean!
Narrator: THE NUTTY PROFESSOR!!!
[A monster-sized Arturo bounds through the streets of San Francisco
destroying everything in his path.]
Bennish: Hey look! It's Fat-zillia!
COMING SOON TO FOX
[Arturo steps on Bennish]
-------------------------------------------
[Scully and Mulder fly out of the wormhole in the hallway of the Dominion
Hotel]
Mulder: That was incredible!
Scully: It was an illusion.
[A door opens and Wade Welles walks out.]
Wade: Hi Mulder, Hi Scully.
Scully: Hi Wade.
Mulder: Oh, Hi Wade.
[Mulder, Scully, and Wade stop in their tracks.]
Wade: MULDER AND SCULLY!?
Mulder & Scully: WADE!?
Wade: Omigod! What are you doing here!?
Scully: We went to San Francisco to meet up with my nephew,
Conrad Bennish jr., to investigate his fraudulent claim that
he had invented a sliding machine. While there, a man
named Duane Barry jumped into a hallucination and me and
Mulder followed him because he kidnapped me and I'm still
pissed at him.
Wade: Uh huh. Well... Come on in to our hotel room.
[Mulder and Scully follow Wade into the slider's hotel room where they are
met by Rembrandt and Quinn]
Quinn: Hi Scully. Hi Mulder.
Rembrandt: Yeah, hi guys.
Quinn & Rembrandt: WHAT THE...!?
Scully: We went to San Francisco to meet up with my nephew,
Conrad Bennish jr., to investigate his fraudulent claim that
he had invented a sliding machine. While there, a man
named Duane Barry jumped into a hallucination and me and
Mulder followed him because he kidnapped me and I'm still
pissed at him.
Quinn: That's amazing. You and Mulder slid to us for a change?
Wade: It's a shame the professor couldn't be here to see this.
[Quinn, Wade, and Rembrandt bow their heads and look sad.]
Wade: ...but he went to go get ice a few minutes ago!
Arturo: [enters] I'm back, I also got a few gallons of chocolate ice
cream to eat in the bathtub. I hope you don't mind. [sees
Scully] GOOD GOD!!! Not you again! What the devil are
you doing here!?
Scully: We went to San Francisco to meet up with my nephew,
Conrad Bennish jr., to investigate his fraudulent claim that
he had invented a sliding machine. While there, a man
named Duane Barry....
Will the sliders ever get over Scully's "explaining kick?"
Will Duane Barry ever get away from Batman?
Will Mulder find Scully's journal again?
Why WAS Batman and Robin such a success!?
TO BE CONTINUED!!!
[Outside on the street, Duane Barry wanders aimlessly and obviously
partially deranged]
Duane: Duane Barry's free! Free of Batman and Robin! No one's
going to mention Batman and Robin to me anymore!
screaming] YOU HEAR ME BATMAN!? YOU CAN'T
TOUCH DUANE BARRY ANYMORE!!!!!!
[Duane Barry looks up and sees a movie theater marquee. The movies
showing are T.J. Hooker: Pet Detective, Hudson Hawke VI, and Batman and
Robin and Batgirl and Batdog Returns Again.]
Duane Barry: NOOOOOOOOO!!!
[Duane Barry flees into an alley and is hit with a bright light which
knocks him out]
Duane Barry: No, don't take Duane Barry again! NOT AGAIN!!!
[The light fades and we can see that Duane Barry has disappeared.
Meanwhile, in the sliders hotel room]
Scully: ...and me and Mulder followed him because he kidnapped
me and I'm still pissed at him.
Maid: That's very fascinating ma'am, but all I asked was if you
wanted some more towels.
[Maid leaves]
Quinn: So, do you guys want us to help you find this Duane Barry
guy?
Mulder: You might as well, I'm sure that the readers would be very
disappointed if the sliders were only in this parody for two
or three pages.
Wade: So, where do you think Duane Barry is at?
Arturo: I have a theory.
Mulder: We have a theory too... but we can't tell you what it is.
Rembrandt: What!? Why not!?
Scully: Because we trust no one.
Quinn: No one?
Mulder: No one. And neither should you.
Scully: So, tell me professor, what's your theory?
Arturo: I'm afraid I can't tell you.
Mulder: Aw, you can trust us.
Arturo: No we can't.
Scully: Yes you can.
Quinn: Can not.
Mulder: Can too.
Wade: Can't.
Scully: Can.
Rembrandt: Can't.
----------------------------------------------------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Announcer: As a public service message, we here at FOX are being
forced... uh, I mean, encouraged to explain to the public
exactly what the new TV ratings mean. TV-G means that
the whole family can watch and it basically stupid and
boring. TV-PG means that you are watching regular TV.
TV-14 means that you are either watching Millennium, a
really good episode of the X-Files, or a "Maggie bears her
breasts" episode of Sliders. TV-M means you are watching
a cinematic treasure like Shindler's List. The new ratings,
Coming soon to TV will be TV-DOA. This rating will be
slapped on shows such as The Pauly Shore Show. And
finally, TV-ZZZZ, a rating that will label any show on CBS.
We now return to "Sliders Meet the X-Files IV" already in
progress, rated TV-HA.
----------------------------------------------------
[Mulder, Scully, and the Sliders walk out of the Dominion hotel in search
of Duane Barry.]
Arturo: So, you're telling me that Duane Barry jumped into a
wormhole to escape... Batman?
Mulder: Duane Barry suffers from a psychological disorder
coupled with unresolved confrontations from his childhood.
Scully: And he's a moron.
Quinn: So where do you think he's gone?
Scully: We can't tell you because we...
Rembrandt: Sweetheart, that joke's been done to death.
Scully: Sorry. First, we have to find a scientific journal.
Mulder: No problem Scully. [Mulder runs to a newspaper stand
and picks up and supermarket tabloid]
Scully: Mulder, are you kidding me?
Mulder: This is one of the most scientifically accurate journals I
know of! Look at this, "Alien backs Perot"... Wow! He's a
shoo-win now!
Wade: Mulder, no one really believes those things!
Quinn: Wade, look... "Psychic Cystals Hold Cure for Acne!"
Wade: Lemme see! Lemme see!
[Quinn, Wade, and Mulder wrestle over the paper]
Scully: It's more likely that Duane Barry was kidnapped by the
Cancerman?
[Mulder, Quinn, and Wade stop fighting.]
Mulder: Cancerman!? You think that there might be a Cancerman
on this world?
Scully: Mulder..., how many times do I have to tell you? We are
not a parallel world. You and I are the victim of these
people's diabolical feats of mind manipulation and mass
hypnosis. [points to Quinn] Do you deny it!?
Quinn: What?
Scully: See, Mulder? He has guilty spelled all over his face!
Mulder, are you even listening to me!?
[Mulder is looking up into the air]
Mulder: Scully, does that building look... uh... odd to you?
[Scully looks up and sees the building]
Scully: It's obviously some sort of art-deco design.
Wade: It looks like a flying saucer with a sign on it that says, "This
is not a flying saucer, it's a public library"
Quinn: Of course!
Scully: What!? What now!?
Quinn: A public library would be the perfect place to hide a flying
saucer, since in this mostly-illiterate society, a library would
be avoided like the plague!
Scully: I still say it's Cancerman.
Mulder: Well, I say it's aliens!
Arturo: Agent Scully and Mulder! There is only one way to settle
this debate.
Rembrandt: Flip a coin?
Arturo: No, you blistering idiot! We go to that library and find out
for ourselves!
Rembrandt: That was going to be my second guess.
[a little while later]
Mulder: [checks timer] we have twenty minutes Scully. If Duane
Barry isn't here, we'll have to slide without him.
Scully: Sure we will Mulder.
[Mulder, Scully, and the sliders pile into the "library/flying saucer" and
are astonished to see strange alien stuff all over the place.]
Wade: Wow! It's like, it's a spaceship!
Scully: No it's not! What are you? Stupid?
Wade: You're mean!
Quinn: Say, has anyone noticed that the lighting just got really dark
and weird?
Mulder: Mood lighting.
Quinn: Oh.
[Mulder and Scully pull out their guns]
Rembrandt: You guys really gonna use those things?
Scully: Not to worry, Mr. Brown. In all of our years of
investigating the X Files, Mulder and I have never shot
anyone.
Arturo: And why is that?
Mulder: Our aim sucks.
Duane's Voice: Heeeeeeeeeeeeelp meeeeeeeeeeee!!!
Quinn: Did you hear that!?
Scully: Probably just settling.
Mulder: In a spaceship!?
Scully: It's NOT a spaceship you blistering idiot!
Lawyer: Hold it right there!
Scully: What?
Lawyer: I represent the law firm of Suem, Screwum, and Howe.
By saying that line you have just violated a copyright law.
We'll see you in court!
[Scully shoots lawyer]
Mulder: Great Scully! That's just perfect!
Scully: Sorry, it was instinct!
Arturo: Shall we move on?
Mulder: Yeah, but whatever we do, make no mention of "Beam me up!"
Will Viacom sue the FBI?
Will Mulder Scully and the Sliders find and save Duane Barry?
Are they in a spaceship or a library?
What will Scully do to Duane Barry?
Isn't Duane Barry supposed to be dead!?
TO BE CONTINUED!!!
Sliders Meet the X-Files IV: The One After Three and Before Five
(part three)
[The Sliders, Mulder, and Scully continue to search through the alien
spaceship which Scully is still convinced is a public library. Suddenly,
they come to a fork in the hallway.]
Wade: which way now?
Mulder: Maybe if Scully, Wade and Arturo go to the left [points to
the right] and Rembrandt Quinn and I go to the right [points
to the left] we can cover more ground.
Scully: Good idea, Mulder.
[After the two groups run into each other, they set out to their intended
destination. First, let's check in with Scully's group.]
Wade: Ok, Scully, answer me this, if this is a library, where are all
of the books?
Scully: It's obviously one of those new paperless libraries.
Arturo: Paperless libraries? What manner of poppycock is that!?
Scully: It's like the paperless office and the paperless toilet.
Arturo: Paperless toliet!?
Scully: Yeah, you know, with the three seashells? And then there's
cars that fill the cabin with foam in the event of a crash, and
this guy named Simon who... no... wait, that was
Demolition Man! What was I thinking?
[Mulder's group]
Mulder: A real alien spaceship. It's really real.
Quinn: It sure is.
Rembrandt: So you guys deal with aliens all the time?
Mulder: Sort of.
Rembrandt: Sort of?
Mudler: I've never actually *seen* an alien before. Not a live one
anyway.
Quinn: So how do you know they exist?
Mulder: Because my sister was abducted by them and I have
devoted my life to tracking them down!
Quinn: Wow. That would make a cool TV show!
Mulder: I'd never catch on. Now if someone made a show about
you guys, I'd be bigger than Star Trek!
Quinn: Bigger than Star Wars!
Rembrandt: Bigger than Star Search!
[Mulder and Quinn begin hitting Rembrandt on the head]
[Back with Scully's group...]
Scully: I hear something. I low and evil growling sound!
Wade: I hear it too.
[Scully and Wade turn to Arturo]
Arturo: I haven't eaten in almost an hour, ok!?
Wade: Uh-oh!
Scully: What do you mean uh-oh?
Wade: If the professor doesn't get his daily requirements of food...
he becomes cranky!
Scully: So, he becomes cranky. So what?
Wade: No, I mean... he becomes really cranky!
Scully: What do you mean by, 'really cranky'.
Arturo: Must... eat!
Wade: Agent Scully, very calmly but very quickly back away!
Scully: Why!?
Arturo: Must... eat... now!!!
Wade: Too late! RUN!!!
Scully: Wha...!?
Arturo: MUST EAT NOW!!!
[Arturo begins frothing at the mouth and shaking violently. His eyes turn
an evil shade of red. Scully and Wade run away as Arturo transforms.
Meanwhile, we check in with Mulder's group.]
Mulder: Does anyone here hear a low rumbling?
Quinn: Yeah... maybe the ship is taking off!
Rembrandt: Or maybe the professor hasn't eaten in an hour.
Quinn: [grabs Remmy] WHAT!? I thought he brought extra
twinkies!
Mulder: Guys?
Rembrandt: He did! He must have dropped them!
Quinn: Oh no!
Mulder: Guys!
Rembrandt: We've got to find Scully and Wade!
Quinn: It may be too late for them, but we must try!
Mudler: Guys!!!
Rembrandt: You think he got them both!?
Quinn: Let's hope not!
Mulder: Pantyhose!!!
Quinn: [a pause] Pantyhose?
Mulder: It was the only way I could get your attentention!
Quinn: Why do you want my attention?
Mulder: [point down corridor where Arturo is running straight
towards them]
Arturo: MUST EAT!!! MUST EAT!!! MUST EAT!!!
Quinn, Rembrandt, & Mulder: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
---------------------------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
On the next BABYLON 5, Sheridan is interrogated for a whole hour in a
small dark room! See the horror as Sheridan is mentally tortured! See
the suspence as the interrogator looks for his glasses! See the savings
on our special effect budget!
Interrogator: You did!
Sheridan: Didn't!
Interrogator: Did!
Sheridan: Didn't!
Interrogator: Did!
Sheridan: Didn't!
Interrogator: Did!
Sheridan: Didn't!
Interrogator: Did!
Sheridan: Didn't!
Interrogator: Did!
Sheridan: Didn't!
Interrogator: Did!
Sheridan: Didn't!
Interrogator: Did!
Sheridan: What are we argueing about?
Interrogator: I can't remember!
Next week on BABYLON 5!!!
--------------------------------------
Quinn, Rembrandt, & Mulder: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Arturo: MUST EAT!!! MUST EAT!!!
Quinn: Remmy, you know what we have to do!
Rembrandt: Can we risk it!?
Quinn: We have to!
Mudler: What!? Risk what!?
Quinn: Cover your ears!
[Mulder and Quinn cover their ears as Remmy begins to sing]
Rembrandt: I got tears in fro,
And I'm banging on head with a shoe!
Arturo: [holding stomach] Arrrrrrrrrrgh!!!
Rembrandt: I like Curly and Moe,
But not Shemp and Curly Joe... Larry too!
Arturo: Make... him... stoooooop!!!
Rembrandt: Micheal Jackson has tons of dough,
but if you ask me, the freak belongs in a zoo!
Arturo: [screams and runs away]
Quinn: It worked!!!
[Scully and Wade approaches in the background]
Scully: Mulder... Did you see it?
Mulder: Yes Scully. Professor Arturo has transformed into a
ravenous blood-thirsty mutant intent on eating all of us alive!
Scully: Actually, I was thinking he was the victim of some kind of
airborne bacteria.
Mulder: Uh-huh.
[Mulder and Scully stare at each other for a few minutes]
Quinn: Guys?
Mulder & Scully: WHAT!?
Quinn: Don't you think we should find whomever's behind the kidnapping of
Duane Barry?
Mulder: Hmm? Oh, sure... let's go find the alien.
Scully: Cancerman.
Mulder: You mean... aliens.
Scully: I mean... Cancerman!
[Mulder and Scully stare at each other for a few minutes as the scene
fades to black]
Quinn: What's going on? Is the story over?
Rembrandt: No way... This must be the part where the narrator
asks all of those stupid questions and the readers are told
that the story will be continued.
Will Arturo ever become normal again?
Is Cancerman behind Duane's kidnapping?
Or is it alien?
Are my questions stupid?
TO BE CONTINUED
Rembrandt: See?
Sliders Meet the X-Files IV: The One After Three and Before Five
(part four)
[Mulder, Scully, Rembrandt, Wade, and Quinn are finally resuming their
search for Duane Barry all while keeping an eye out for the mutated Arturo.]
Scully: We need to stop searching this library and find help for
professor Arturo!
Mulder: The only way we can change Professor Arturo back to
normal is to find the aliens responsible for his mutation.
Quinn: Guys, we told you! Professor Arturo gets like this all the
time when he gets hungry!
Mulder: Well, whatever the cause... we could always just shoot
him and get it over with.
Wade: No! You can't shoot professor Arturo! I've always had the
feeling that if anything ever happened to the professor
something terrible would befall us. Something horrible!
Something... Something.... Something in a tight t-shirt!
Quinn: What would be so bad about that?
[Wade hits Quinn in the gut]
Mulder: Scully, look at this. It appears to be a door to the bridge of
the UFO!
Scully: Mulder... it's the door to the library administrators office.
Mulder: Whatever the case Scully, I think we should go in!
Scully: I agree.
Mulder: But Scully, if we go in, I think we can...
Scully: Mulder, I said I agreed with you.
Mulder: Don't interrupt me! I am sick of the constant contradiction
and the... What did you say?
Scully: I said I agree with you.
Sliders & Mulder: YOU DO!?
Scully: Yes Mulder, I agree with you.
Mulder: So that's what it feels like.
Wade: Why are you agreeing with Mulder? It's unheard of!
Scully: I've been meaning to talk with the library administrator ever
since we got here. The stairs are not suited for the disabled,
there isn't any toilet paper in the bathrooms, and I haven't
found a copy of Rush Limbaugh's "I Told You So"
anywhere in the building. And at the very least, it will shut
Mulder up.
Rembrandt: Good point.
[Mulder, Scully, and the Sliders open the door. They stop and stare
wide-eyed as they see...]
Scully: Duane Barry!
Wade: Cancerman!
Mulder: Aliens!
Alien1: David Duchovney!
Alien2: Gillian Anderson!
Cancerman: Vern Gosdin!
Rembrandt: Wow! It was Cancerman AND Aliens! That's so...
so... so... What's the word I'm looking for?
Scully: Contrived?
Rembrandt: That's it!
Mulder: Wow! Aliens! Real aliens! And they're not dead or
obscured by bright lights, ice, or smoke! They're just
standing there!
Scully: They're obviously actors in costumes.
Cancerman: Oh my god! It's the Cancerman! You will never get
these aliens, you fiend!
Mudler: What? What are you talking about? I'm not cancerman...
you're the cancerman!
Cancerman: What are you talking about Cancerman? You've been
foiling my attempts to find the truth behind the X-Files for
years!
Duane: Duane Barry's confused!
Alien2: Quiet you! [bonks Duane on the head]
Quinn: I think I know what's going on! We're on a parallel world.
Remember? Well, on this world, Cancerman is investigating
the X-Files and Agent Mulder is doing all the bad stuff
cancerman does on your world.
Mudler: That makes sense!
Scully: That's stupid!
Canceman: Excuse me.
All: WHAT!?
Cancerman: You're not going to hurt these aliens, are you? I mean,
you're not the real Cancerman, are you?
Mulder: No, and apparently, you're not either.
Cancerman: Huh?
Wade: Cancerma- uh, I mean... What is your name anyway?
Cancerman: Wolf... Wolf Scudder.
Wade: Sorry I asked. Anyway... What are you doing here with all
these aliens?
Cancerman: We are prepping these aliens for first contact with
Earth. They have promised to give us cures for cancer... old
age... the Macerana... It could be a perfect world!
Alien1: No disease!
Alien2: No war!
Alien3: No Hanson!
Alien4: No Spice Girls!
Alien5: No parodies!
[Aliens 1, 2, 3, and 4, start slapping 5 on the head.]
Mulder: Ok, better question: Why did you kidnap Duane Barry?
Alien3: It was out of habit.
Rembrandt: Habit?
Alien1: Yes, it is our custom to abduct total idiots off the street,
though usually we do it in Kentucky or Arkansas.
Mulder: What do you do with them?
Alien1: We study them. Oh, and we do anal probes!
Quinn: Eww... what do you learn from that?
Alien: Not much. Only that one in every twenty doesn't mind it.
Scully: This is bull.
Cancerman: No one can stop us! Soon, the whole world will know
that the truth is out there!
Evil Voice: I don't think so Agent Scudder.
Cancerman: Wha...!? Oh no! It's the Cancerman!
[Mulder's double walks into the room smoking a cigarette]
CancerMulder: That's right. And no one is telling the truth to
anyone! [spies Mulder] Who's the geek?
Cancerman: He's none of your concern! You can't stop us! We
outnumber you ten to one!
[Cancerman pulls his gun and points it at CancerMulder. Scully and Mulder
pull their guns and the aliens pull out really cool rayguns. Rembrandt
points his finger at CancerMulder and makes gunshot sounds. Wade slaps
him. CancerMulder takes a long drag off of his cigarette and grins]
CancerMulder: Very impressive Agent Scudder.
Cancerman: Thank you.
CancerMulder: Unfortunately, I've outsmarted you again.
Cancerman: HOW!?
CancerMulder: I implanted a virus into a twinkie that I hid at the
entrance port to the spacecraft. I was hoping you would eat
it, but it appears that one Professor Maximillion Arturo ate
it.
Wade: You cad!
CancerMulder: [smiles] I'm afraid you have to say good-bye to your alien
friends now. Sic 'em Max!
[The Arturo Mutant busts through the wall and begins tearing all of the
aliens to shreds and devouring them. After the last alien is dead, Arturo
reverts back to his normal self.]
Arturo: [belch] Pardon me. Why does my mouth taste like molasses?
CancerMulder: I win Agent Scudder.
Cancerman: What about the UFO!? I still have the UFO!
CancerMulder: What UFO? All this is a library!
Scully: See Mulder, I told you!
Mulder: Shut UP Scully!
Quinn: We're not going to let him get away with this, are we?
Don't you still have your guns!? SHOOT HIM!!!!
CancerMulder: I'm sorry, but I've outsmarted you again.
[CancerMulder fires a grappling hook towards the ceiling
and flies out of sight (a la Batman)]
Duane Barry: Bah-bah-Batman!? [Wade bonks him on the head]
Mulder: [to Cancerman} Well... uh... I'm... sorry about all this.
Cancerman: Don't be. I'm getting used to it.
Mulder: I know what you mean! You know on our world you've
outsmarted me so many times that I just want to put my
hands around your CHICKEN NECK AND CHOKE THE
LIVING CRAP OUT OF YOU, YOU BLACK LUNGED
SON OF A B-
[Mulder proceeds to live out his fantasy until Scully, Wade, Rembrandt,
Arturo, and Quinn finally manage to pull Mulder off of Cancerman who runs
away]
Mulder: NO! LET ME KILL HIM! I - MUST - KILL - HIM!!!
Scully: [slaps Mulder] MULDER!!!
Mudler: I-I'm sorry Scully... I-I don't know what came over me.
Quinn: You're out of touch with reality.
Scully: That'd be my guess.
[Mulder & Scully's timer beeps]
Mulder: [picks up his timer and holds it to his head like a telephone]
Mulder. Hello? Hello!?
Arturo: Agent Mulder, I do believe that it is time form you and
Agent Scully to slide home.
Mulder: Oh yeah!
Scully: Yeah, let's get this hoax over with!
[Mulder activates the wormhole and they both jump in. After a
few minutes, the wormhole snaps shut]
Wade: You ever think we'll see them again?
Arturo: Who knows... God willing, we'll meet Mulder and Scully
again in "Sliders Meet the X-Files V: The Search for More
Cheap Gags."
Rembrandt: Guys...
Quinn: You seriously think that there will be a part five?
Rembrandt: Guys!
Arturo: It's inevitable, Mr. Mallory. Like Death and Taxes. And
equally as unpleasant if you think about it.
Rembrandt: Guys, I really think that you should...
Quinn: How? I mean... Come on! We slid to their world, The
Kromaggs kidnapped us and sent us to their world, Logan
Saint Clare kidnapped us and sent us to their world, and they
even slid to us! How the HELL can we possibly meet
again!?
Duane: Hey, where'd all the aliens go?
[Arturo, Wade, and Quinn look at Duane Barry, slap their foreheads and
fall backwards. Rembrandt just stands there.]
Rembrandt: I tried to tell them!
[Meanwhile, Scully and Mulder fly through the tunnel]
Mulder: Still think this is a hoax Scully?
Scully: Absolutely positively without a doubt!
[A Kromagg Manta ship appears in the distance and pulls Scully into it's
interior]
Scully: Mulder! Help!
Mulder: Scully!
Scully: [as the Manta Ship takes off] Mulder! Mulder! I believe!
I BELIEVE!!!
[Mulder is thrown out of the vortex and lands on a group of nuns]
----------------------------------------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
[We see a bunch of thugs shooting up an elementary school. The thugs
turn to see a police car screech to a stop. The door opens and a robotic
foot hits the ground.]
Thug: IT'S ROBOCOP!!!
Announcer: Robocop's back! And this time, he's on a mission!
[Robocop marches toward the thugs who fire bullets at him with no effect]
Announcer: Star Trek: Voyager's Eathan Phillips is... ROBONEELIX!!
in OPERATION: ANNOYANCE!!
RoboNeelix: My, my, my... you people aren't boosting morale, are
you?
Announcer: Gene Siskle said, "If ever there was a movie to avoid
this summer, make it this one!" Rodger Ebert said, "Feed
me! Feed me now!!!" Rex Reed says, "I once said there
was nothing more annoying than Pauly Shore.... Operation -
Annoyance had proven me so, so, so, so, so, so wrong!"
And Gene Shallat said, "Oh GOD! This movie was
terrible... Kill me now!"
Announcer: With Wil Wheaton as RoboNeelix's partner!
RoboNeelix: Nice gun Wesley!
Wesley: Thanks! I made it out of Pepsi cans!
Announcer: With Garret Wang as the police cheif!
Harry Kim: You're off the case Robo!
[RoboNeelix shoots him with a bazooka]
ROBONEELIX: OPERATION - ANNOYANCE coming to a theater near you!
----------------------------------------
[A few hours later, Mulder delivers his report to Skinner.]
Skinner: I don't believe it.
Mulder: But sir! It's true! Scully and I slid to a parallel universe
where we met the sliders and chased Duane Barry to a
library that was actually a UFO where we found real live
aliens and the Cancerman who is a good guy in that
universe, but I'm a bad guy and I got professor Arturo to kill
and devour the aliens and on the way back Scully was
kidnapped by a Kromagg manta ship!
Skinner: No! I mean, you actually expect me to believe that Agent
Scully said I believe?
Mulder: I can hardly believe it myself sir.
Skinner: I can hardly believe that we got through an entire parody
without saying the word, 'shit'! [a pause] DOH!
Did Agent Scully believe?
Are the Sliders stuck with Duane Barry?
Will the...
Skinner: Hey! Narrator! The parody's over!
It is?
Mulder: Yes!
But... But it can't be! There are too many loose ends! Too many
unanswered questions! Too many...
Mulder: What? Haven't you been watching the X-Files? We thrive
on dangling plotlines!
You do know that this plotline will lead to a part five don't you?
Mulder and Skinner: Yes!
Because I don't want to hear any whining about it later.
Mulder and Skinner: You won't!
Well, you do know that we have to end on a comic note...
Skinner: He's right Mulder. Do something amusing.
Mulder: [punches Skinner causing him to fly out the window and
plummet three stories to the ground below]
Skinner: ...the HELL was amusing about that!?
Mulder: It was amusing to me!
THE END
(FOR NOW)