Rated TV-MA for sexual innuendo, poor taste, bad jokes, and
general stupidity.

Episode Title: "Requiem for a Parody" 

We see the author of this story, Jason Donner, holding a
press conference. As we join him, he is holding a  question
and answer section.

Reporter: Uhh... Mr. Donner, what were you thinking when you
	wrote "The Dating Game"? 
Jason: Boy, was I wasted. Next question? 
Reporter2: Mr. Donner, will you ever write "Sliders Meet the
	X-Files part Five"? I mean, you left us in a
	cliffhanger where Scully was abducted by the Kromaggs
	and we've been waiting a year to find out what
	happened. 
Jason: Well, I'm glad someone asked that question because I
	want to go on the record as saying that I never EVER
	intend on writing "Sliders Meet the X-Files Five".
	Ever. 
Reporters: Never? 
Jason: Never. 
Reporters:(Gasp in unison) 
Jason: "Sliders Meet the X-Files" is dead. May it rest in
	peace. Thank you. 

Jason walks off the stage and through a door leaving a
stunned group of reporters wondering why he just walked
into the closet. A few hours later, Jason and his wacky
double from another dimension, Donner, are in a car driving
along a snowy road.

Donner: So, you're serious about not writing "Sliders Meet
	the X-Files Five"? 
Jason: I'm serious. 
Donner: But you left it in a cliffhanger. 
Jason: I know. 
Donner: Can I write it? 
Jason: What? 
Donner: Oh... nothing. [sees something in the road] Jason!
	Watch out!!! 
Jason and Donner: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! 

The car goes off a cliff and crashes into a snowbank. We see
a dark figure emerge from the woods and drag Jason to safety.
A few hours later, Jason wakes up in a room with a woman who
looks a lot like Kathy Bates standing over him.

Woman: Mr. Donner? I'm so glad you're awake now. 
Jason: What happened? Where am I? 
Woman: You were in a wreck, Mr. Donner. I dragged you here to
	safety. I left Mr. Donner... I thought it would be
	best. I'm so glad to have you in my home. I'm such a
	big fan of your stories... especially "Sliders Meet the
	X-Files". I think they are a hoot. I'm your number one
	fan! 
Jason: Uh-huh... 
Woman: Well, you just stay here. I'm going to read about your
	press conference you held last night. (Snorts as she
	walks out the door. After a few seconds, she screams
	and returns looking quite angry) HOW COULD YOU!!!???
	HOW COULD YOU END "SLIDERS MEET THE X-FILES"!? 
Jason:  I... uh... 
Woman: (puts a wood block between Jason's ankles and pulls
	out a sledgehammer) I'm going to break your ankles now
	so you can't leave and you'll be forced to write
	"Sliders Meet the X-Files Five". Don't worry... it's
	for the best. 

Suddenly, there is a gunshot and the woman falls foreword.
Jason looks up and sees...

Jason: Donner!!! I thought you were dead! 
Donner: (Blue and covered with icicles holding a gun) Yes...
	fortunately, I was rescued by a family of wolves who
	took me in a treated me as one of their own. Cool huh? 
Jason: Sure, Don... That is just awesome. 
Donner: Jason, this should prove more than anything that you
	MUST write "Sliders Meet the X-Files Five". It's in
	your nature... it's what you do. Can you imagine if
	Picasso decided not to paint or Celin Dion never
	singing that annoying "My Heart Will Go On" song? What
	if Maddonna never had sex or that guy on that thing
	never did what 	he did? 
Jason: Donner, it's not enough... I just can't do it. 
Donner: [aims the gun] Finish the parody or I'll blow your 
	f-(bleep)-cking head off. 
Jason: Could you untie me and start that computer over there
	for me? 

*************************************************************

We see Super Dave Osborne standing by a motorcycle.

Super Dave: Hi, I'm stuntman Super Dave Osborne. Keep reading
	this parody because at the end, I will perform a stunt
	never before seen. I will take this motorcycle here,
	speed up that two hundred foot ramp over there, and
	become airborne where I will jump over Star Trek:
	Voyager actor Robert Beltran... better known as
	Chakotay. 
Chakotay: Who is this Robert Beltran you speak of? My name is
	Chakotay. 
Super Dave That's nice, Bob. So stay tuned! 

*************************************************************

Now the story begins. We see Mulder sitting in his office
looking at a picture of Scully. Tears are streaming down
his face.

Mulder: I promise you, Scully... I won't give up. I will find
	you. Even if it takes you a hundred million zillion
	years... I will find you! 
Scully: [breezes in] Hi Mulder. 
Mulder: Hi Scully. [a pause] Scully!? I thought you were
	kidnapped by the Kromaggs. 
Scully: You thought wrong. What you saw was a weather balloon
	next to Venus distorted by some swamp gas. 
Mulder: [stares blankly] Uh-huh... 
Scully: So, what's going on? Are we going to investigate an
	X-File or what? 
Mulder: A what? Oh... Yes... Here's a case from the city by
	the bay. 
Scully: Dallas? 
Mulder: San Francisco. 
Scully: Rats. 
Mulder: Anyway, it seems there have been numerous sightings
	of a manta-like UFO in the area. 

Eerie music plays. Mulder and Scully look around trying to
figure out where it's going from

Mulder: Shall we go? 
Scully: I'll meet you in the car. 

Mulder walks out of the office. Scully pulls out a compact
and opens it up. An antenna rises out of it and the mirror
turns into a TV screen.

Scully: The plan is proceeding as scheduled. 
Voice from Compact: Excellent! Soon Earth #69 will be ours! 
Scully: Ha Ha Ha Ha! 
Compact: Ha Ha Ha Ha! 
Mulder's Computer: Ha Ha Ha Ha! 

Scully looks at the computer which stops laughing.

*************************************************************

COMMERCIAL BREAK

We hear the theme to "E.T.: The Extraterrstrial"

NARRATOR: In 1983, Steven Speilburg indroduced the world to a
	cute little alien that won our hearts. "E.T.: The
	Extraterrestrial". Now, thanks to director James
	Cameron, E.T. is back... and he's not taking any shit
	anymore! 

The theme to The Terminator starts. We see E.T. standing in
a cloud of white smoke wearing a black leather jacket,
sunglasses, and a large gun.

E.T. : [shoots a bunch of bad guys] Be good. 

Elliot: No look, ET, you can't go around saying "affirmative"
	and "negative" and stuff. You have to say "no
	problemo". And when a guy gives you attitude, you say
	"Chill, Dickwad" or "Later, asshole" or you can use
	combinations. 
E.T.: Later... dickwad. 
Elliot: That's it! 

NARRATOR: "E.T.2: Judgement Day"! Coming to a theater near
	you! 

E.T.: I'll be baaaack! 

*************************************************************

On a parallel world run by militant feminists, we see
Quinn, Rembrandt, and Arturo being dragged into a courtroom
by women in police uniforms. Wade sits on the defendant's
side acting as their defender. The judge (guest star Rosie
O'Donnell) walks in, takes her seat, and bangs the gavel

Judge: The defendants stand accused of crime against
	womanhood. 
Quinn: All I said was that I thought the Spice Girls suck.

All the women in the courtroom gasp

Judge: Silence the breeding stock! 
Wade: Quinn! Sit down and shut up! 

Quinn sheepishly sits down as all of the women look at him
like a bulldog stares at a helpless kitten. The attorney
gets up and paces in front of the jury (Special Guest
Stars: Grace Jones, Maddonna, Chasidy Bono, Nana Visitor,
Claudia Christian, Whitney Houston, Oprah Winfrey, and all
six of Charley's Angles)

Attorney: Ladies and Ladies of the jury. Ever since women
	overturned mankind four hundred years ago and
	established a utopian community... 
Judge: Why are you telling us this? We already know this!!! 
Attorney: Exposition, your honor... 
Judge: I see. Proceed... 
Attorney: Thank you. Anyway... Women rule the world here and
	it is against the law for men to think for themselves
	and say anything bad about women anywhere. 
Arturo: [whispers to Rembrandt] Sounds like home to me.
Rembrnadt: [snickers] 
Quinn: But all I said was that the Spice Girls suck! 
Judge: Mr. Mallory, do you want me to hold you in contempt!? 
Quinn: Depends... what happens if I'm held in contempt? 
Judge: You will be taken to a dark dark room and spanked by
	the Swedish SWAT Team and then strip searched by
	officer Traci Lords. 
Quinn: Let me think about it. 
Rembrandt: Hold me in contempt! Women suck! Men rule! 
Judge: [bangs gavel] Order in the court! 
Arturo: I'll have a double cheeseburger, an order of fries... 
Judge: [Rolls up a newspaper and throws it at him] Silence! 
Wade: [interrupting] Your honor, my clients are obviously
	loony tunes. I plead with you to rule insanity. 
Judge: Insanity, eh? Well, do you know what the charge for
	insanity is? 
Wade: What? 
Quinn: What? 
Arturo: What? 
Rembrandt: What? 
Judge: Castration. 

Quinn, Arturo, and Rembrandt scream in unison. Wade starts
laughing her ass off.

Judge: Very well, I rule insanity. Officer Bobbit, take care
	of these... [with disgust] ...men! 
Arturo: [eyes the newspaper the judge threw at him] Wait! 

Arturo stands up on the table and holds the newspaper above
his head.

Arturo: Look! There's a sale at Penny's! All shoes 50% off! 
All the Women: A SALE AT PENNEY'S!?!?!? 

Like a cattle stampede, the women, including the Judge and
Attorney tear out the courtroom door to the sale. Quinn
grabs Wade by the shirt collar before she can get away as
well.

Wade: [like a zombie] Sale at Penny's... Must go... Must
	go... Must... Go! 
Rembrandt: Good thinking professor. Quinn, how long until the
	wormhole opens? 
Quinn: [looks at the timer] Two minutes. 

The sliders stand there for two minutes. Quinn looks
anxious. Wade is still trying to get to the sale. Arturo
wonders why he hasn't gotten his cheeseburger and fries.
Finally, the timer beeps and Quinn activates the wormhole.
Arturo throws the still struggling Wade in. Arturo jumps in
next leaving Quinn and Rembrandt behind.

Rembrandt: Aren't you coming Q-Ball? 
Quinn: Uh... yeah. You-You go on ahead. I'll be in after you. 

Rembrandt looks at Quinn suspiciously, but finally jumps in
the wormhole. After Remmy leaves, Quinn instantly gets into
a crouched position. He looks back and forth frantically.

Quinn: [yelling] No Wade! Don't wait for me! Save yourselves!
	Hurry! Slide! Slide! Sliiiiiide! Ahhhhhhhhh! 

Quinn runs towards the wormhole mere nanoseconds before it
closes

The author of this parody would like to apologize for the
preceding scene. He knows that women are not "mad shoppers"
as they were depicted above. Jason Donner has great respect
for chicks and babes everywhere.

After the booing from the female readers dies down, we see
the sliders emerge from the wormhole on a parallel world.
Quinn is, of course, the last one through. However, the
wormhole closes on his waist and Arturo and Rembrandt have
to pull him free.

Quinn: I lost a shoe! 
Arturo: That's what you get for playing Indiana Jones
	everytime you jump through the wormhole. 
Quinn: [Innocently] I don't know what you're talking about. 
Arturo: Oh please. Quinn, I knew Indiana Jones and you are no
	Indiana Jones. 
Rembrandt: Guys, I think we're in big trouble. 
Arturo: What makes you say that? 
Rembrandt: I think we've landed on a before unknown Kromagg
	prison planet: Earth 911. 
Quinn: what makes you say that? 

Rembrandt points to a sign that says "Welcome to Earth 911:
A Before Unknown Kromagg Prison Planet. Population 195,284.
Lions Club, Rotary... have a nice day"

Quinn: Oh God! Well, not to worry, it's a big planet and as
	long as we lay low and stay out of sight, I don't think
	we'll be discovered. [a pause] Where's Wade? 

Wade walks into a Kromagg outpost and right up to the
supreme commander (special guest star: Micheal York).

Wade: [in a daze] Is this JC Penny? I hear you're having a
	sale on shoes. Well, I'm looking for something in a
	purple pump. Something I can fight crime in. Like
	Batgirl? 
Supreme Commander: Not much. 
Wade: Me neither! So, can I see your shoes? 
Supreme Commander: Of course! Come right this way little
	lady!

The Kromagg leads Wade to a cell. He leads her inside and
then activates the forcefield behind her.

Supreme Commander: [walking off] Moron. 
Wade: HEY!!! [holds up a pair of shoes] These shoes are ugly!
	And I don't see any purple pumps anywhere! This is the
	worst service I've ever had! I want to speak to the
	manager! Death to da man! Eat the rich! Girl Power!!!! 

As Wade rambles on we see a dark figure approach in the
backgroud. As the figure steps in the light, we see that it
is...

Scully: [takes the shoes away from Wade] Give me those back!
	[she puts them back on her feet.] 
Wade: Agent Scully? 
Scully: [squints] Elija Woods? 
Wade: WADE WELLES!!! 
Scully: Sorry, the light in here is terrible. 
Wade: Wait a minute... if you're here. Who's with Agent
	Mulder? 

Wade and Scully stare at each other as dramatic music
swells in the background. Both of them look around in
confusion trying to figure out where the music is coming
from.

Back on conspiracy earth, Mulder and Scully (or is it
Scully?) walk out of the airport. Mulder puts his hands on
his hips and takes a deep breath. He immediately starts
choking and hacking because of the air pollution. Scully
slaps him on the back and he recovers.

Mulder: Ahhh... San Francisco. The city of lights... The big
	apple... The cradle of civilization... the red planet! 
Scully:  Mulder, you're thinking of Paris, New York,
	Babylonia, and Mars. San Francisco is called the Lone
	Star State. 
Mulder: Are you sure about that? 
Scully: That's not important, Mulder. We have to go
	investigate that UFO. 

Scully flags down a cab and she and Mulder get in

Mulder: Scully, did you just say we're investigating a UFO? 
Scully: [Stares at Mulder a moment, goes over the
	conversation in her head again and nods] Yeah. Weren't
	you paying attention? 
Mulder: Yeah, I was... I thought you always said that you
	didn't believe in aliens and stuff.... that only the
	most idiotic and sexually deprived individual would
	ever devote so much of his life to tracking down the
	truth behind such matters. And that "Fox" was a really
	stupid name. 
Scully: So, I'm trying to be a little more open minded. I 
	watch "Beyond Belief: Fact or Fiction". I can take a
	leap of intuition sometimes. 
Mulder: Tell me, Scully... do you believe in Santa Claus?
Scully: I believe that if the reindeer were able to move at
	close the speed of light and if Santa was able to
	metabolize cookies and milk at an amazingly efficient
	rate, one man could traverse the world in one night and
	bring toys to all pre-adolescents. 
Mulder: [Looks at Scully lustfully] 
Scully: Mulder, you're drooling. 
Mulder: Sorry. 
Pavel: So where do you want to go, my friends? 
Scully: Hey, I know you... You were that lovable Russian cab
	driver in the first season of Sliders that FOX fired
	after they found out that fans liked you. 
Pavel:  Yes, it sucks big time, doesn't it? So tell me, so I
	can get my cameo in this idiotic parody over with,
	where do you want to go? 
Mulder: [Still staring at Scully and drooling] 
Scully: Take us to the corner of Lois Lane and Rocky Road. 
Pavel: Christ, are we resorting to stupid puns now? 
Scully:  Hey, it's a stupid story! 

Back on Kromagg prison planet, Earth 911, Quinn, Rembrandt,
and Arturo are discussing how to free Wade from the
Kromaggs

Rembrandt: No, guys, I'm telling you! If we leave Wade with
	the Kromaggs and then spend the rest of the series
	searching for her, we could establish a continuity arch
	and further the series in a way that's never been done
	before.
Quinn: Rembrandt, listen to what you're saying. A continuity
	arch... on FOX... on a show that is not the X-Files!?
	Please! Next thing you know, you're going to suggest
	killing off the professor here and replacing him with a
	beautiful yet somehow repulsive pinup girl! 
Arturo: Then it's settled, we rescue Wade... [a pause as he
	thinks] but... we can leave her behind if she continues
	that annoying whining. 
Quinn: Agreed. 
Rembrandt: I can live with that. 
Kromagg: I have a problem with your plan. 
Arturo: Oh, who asked you monkey boy? 
Kromagg: [pulls out a blaster] The clue meter must be running
	on zero with you guys! Jeez! You're all my prisoner,
	dumbasses! 
Rembrandt: Dammit! Not again! How did you find us? We've been
	laying low for the past hour! 
Kromagg: You've been "laying low" in the bushes in the middle
	of the center plaza of the Kromagg capital and yelling
	at each other. We would have been here to take you
	prisoner earlier, but we've been watching The Daily
	Show. I got four out of the five questions right. Can
	you believe that Craig Kilborn is leaving? Wow... that
	sucks man. Anyway, we stayed and watched South Park...
	it was that stupid Terrance and Philip episode where
	they saved Canada from Saddam Hussien. Well, that's
	more that enough exposition. 
Readers: We agree! 
Kromagg: Now, be good little monkeys and come with me. 

The Kromagg leads the sliders to the prison at gunpoint. 

*************************************************************
Commercial Break 

Announcer: You went to see it over and over and over and over
	and over and over and over and over and over and over
	and over and over again. Now, in a disgusting display
	of greed, Paramount proudly presents, the sequel to the
	most successful movie of all time! 

Rose: Don't you understand? The water's freezing and there
	aren't enough boats! Half the people on this ship are
	going to die! 
Jack:  Don't worry, if you stay with me, I'll get you off
	this ship alive. 

We see Arnold Swarzenagger approach in the background shoving
children and old ladies out of the way.

Arnold: Jack Dawson? 
Jack:  Yes, my name is Jack Dawson. 
Arnold: I have been sent back in time to protect you. I am a
	T-800 model terminator. 
Rose: So? 
Arnold:  A model T-1000 has been sent back to kill you. 
Jack: What!? Why!? 
Arnold: Because you save Rose and she goes on to become the
	nursemaid to the mother of the mother of the kid that
	will grow up and lead the resistance after World War
	III. After you save Rose, I don't give a shit what
	happens to you. You can freeze to death like you were
	destined to do. 
Audience: Hey! You just gave away the ending! 
Arnold: Oh, come on! Like the ninth time you see this movie
	won't be as good as the eighth. 
Narrator: Titanic 2! 

Jack is drawing Rose naked. Suddenly, she morphs into a nude
Robert Patrick. Jack keeps drawing, obviously unaware of the
danger. He suddenly stops drawing and quizzically looks at
the picture.

Jack: Rose? Have you always had a penis? 
Narrator: T2: Judment Day! Coming to a theater near you! This
	time, the boat not only sinks... it sucks too! 

Jack's frozen body slips into the dark cold sea

Arnold:[holding onto Rose's floating board] He won't be back. 

*************************************************************

Meanwhile, back on Earth #69, Mulder and Scully (or is it
Scully?) are investigating the UFO sighting by questioning
several small boys.

Stan: ...and then there were these aliens and they had big
	black eyes and big heads and... 

Mulder and Scully look at the four children

Kyle: It's true! Ask Cartman! They gave him an anal probe! 
Cartman: Heh-heh... That's a... that's a little joke. 
Mulder: I think we've heard enough. 
Scully: I agree... maybe we should call it a day. 
Mulder: [nods] Okay, Scully... [to the kids] Thank you boys.
	Now why don't you go home where it's safe. You might
	get hurt out here. 

The boys wave good-bye and start walking down the street.
Suddenly, a lion jumps out of an alley and mauls Kenny.
Mulder and Scully don't notice any of this.

Stan: Oh my god! They killed Kenny! 
Kyle: You Bastards! 

A little while later, Mulder and Scully (or is it Scully?)
arrive at the Dominoin Hotel. Mulder escorts Scully to her
room

Mulder: Well, Scully... it looks like this was all a hoax and
	a tremendous waste of our time. 
Scully: Oh, I don't know Mulder. Those kids may have been the
	victim of a vast alien conspiracy involving human/alien
	hybrids, some sort of colonization plan, and bees. I
	think that bigfoot could be involved too, but I'll have
	to consult The Weekly World News. 
Mulder: [Stares at Scully wide eyed and agape] Scully, I
	can't believe you just said that! You said exactly what
	I was thinking but didn't want to say for fear that you
	would mercilessly debunk me or just hit me. 
Scully: Well, you know Mulder... perhaps I haven't been
	appreciating you the way I should be. I mean, you do
	have some interesting theories after all. 
Mulder: You... think my theories are... interesting? 
Scully: Yes. 
Mulder: [crying] Oh, Scully! I have been waiting five years
	to hear you say that! 
Scully: Mulder, I'm afraid I have a dirty little secret
	too... I've always found you attractive. That jet black
	hair. That never-ending facial expression. That
	monotone voice. You make me hot just thinking about
	you. 
Mulder: [high pitched voice] You do!? [clears his throat and
	goes back to his normal voice] I mean... tell me more
	baby. 
Scully: I want you Mulder. I want you in the worst way. Show
	me why they call you "spooky"! 

Scully throws herself at Mulder much like Maggie Beckett
threw herself to any male in the third season of Sliders.
Mulder is taken off guard and tumbles backwards out of
sight. A few seconds after he hits the ground, their is a
growling and ripping sound and several shredded pieces of
clothing flies into the air. 

Outside the room in the hallway, we see a maid (special
guest star: Della Reese) walk by with a cart of toiletries
when Mulder's falsetto and discordant voice filters through
the walls.

Mulder: (singing) Ohhhhhh sweeeeet mystery of life at last I
	found yooooooooou!!!! 

The maid stares at the door for a few seconds and finally
walks off. 

We now see the author of this parody, Jason Donner, and his
friend Donner working at a computer

Donner: "Oh sweet mystery of life?" That's sick man. 
Jason: This is so cool. I've been putting off writing this
	parody for a year for fear that it would be lame. But
	it's all coming together so well. I feel as if a divine
	hand is inspiring me! 

Meanwhile, in hell, Satan is watching Jason and Donner on a
TV screen

Satan: Excellent! Another sequel is on the way! [laughs
	maniacally] 
Demon: [appears with a clipboard] Sir, the cast of "Family
	Matters" wants to know if they can stay on the air for
	another season. 
Satan: Tell them that there are limits to even my power! 

Meanwhile, on the Kromagg prison planet, Earth 911, Quinn,
Rembrandt, and Arturo are led into the cell block where
Wade and Scully (or is it Scully?) are being held.

Quinn: Wade, we were so worried about you! 
Wade: Oh, hi Quinn... what's new? 

The Kromagg guard throws them into the cell, activates the
forcefield, and walks away humming the song, "It's a Small
World After All."

Wade: Quinn, Rembrandt, professor...  you all remember Dana
	Scully, don't you?  You know, Scully and Mulder...  The
	X-Files?

They stare at Scully blankly

Wade: You remember?  From conspiracy world?  The one where
	the Cancerman stole the timer?

Quinn scratches his head

Wade: We met them again when the Kromaggs captured us and
	sent us back to their earth to confuse and distract
	them so they could rescue their crashed pilots?

Rembrandt shrugs

Wade: [miffed]  Logan Saint Claire send us back there a third
	time and joined forces with Eugene Victor Tooms in an
	attempt to get revenge on all of us?

Arturo looks at Scully and shakes his head

Wade: [as if she's speaking to a two-year-old]  ...and then
	we met them again when their dimension's version of
	Bennish invented a sliding machine and they had to
	chase Duane Barry into the wormhole and they just
	happened to end up in the dimension we were in and we
	all discovered aliens?

The male sliders stare blankly

Wade: [rubs her temples in frustration]  I don't friggin
	believe you guys don't remember any of this.
Scully: Perhaps it's because of the brainwashing techniques
	you cult uses.

The instant the word "cult" is said, Arturo's eyes fly open
and the word echoes over and over again in his head. 
"Cult.... Cult... Cult... Cult... Cult...."  Arturo turns
beat red and steam begins to shoot out of his ears as the
memories of their encounters of Mulder and Scully come
flooding back to him.

Arturo: [screaming] It is not a cult you blistering idiot!!!
Scully: [overjoyed]  Max!  You remember me!
Arturo: Well, yes...  I suppose I do.
Wade: About time too...  Why did it take you so long to
	remember her?
Rembrandt: Well, it's been a year since part four was
	written... you don't expect us to remember every little
	thing, do you?
Scully: Speaking of "every little thing", whatever happened
	to Duane Barry?  Last we saw him, he was stuck with you
	guys.
Quinn: About a week after you left him with us, we landed on
	this world where the stupidest people of humanity were
	fed to a giant mutated guinea pig.  [a pause]  Well...
	you can use your imagination about what happened to
	Duane Barry
Scully: [suppresses a morbid giggle]  Well...  Now that we're
	all together, I suppose we should concentrate on
	escaping and getting back to my dimension and rescuing
	Mulder and my world from whatever vile deeds these
	Kromaggs have in store for them.
Arturo: Wait a minute, are you saying that you, the
	überskeptic, now believe that we are indeed traveling
	between parallel worlds and we are in a prison that is
	indeed run by an evolutionary offshoot that doesn't
	exist on your earth, and that we are not a cult?
Scully: The past week in the custody of the Kromaggs have
	shown me the error of my ways, professor.  I know now
	that the universe is vast and mysterious and that not
	all anomalies can be explained by mere science.  Nay,
	it takes faith and leaps of illogic reasoning and
	jumping to conclusions.  Aliens do exist!  The
	government is evil!  Bill Gates is is lord of darkness!
Quinn: Okay, number one...  we escape from here.  Number
	two... we find the timer.  And number three... we get
	back to Earth #69 and stop the Kromagg plot, whatever
	that may be.
Wade: But isn't that dangerous?
Quinn: Very.  Plus...  I don't know how the hell we're gonna
	do it!

*************************************************************

Super Dave Osborne and Chakotay are standing next to each
other in front of the ramp and motorcycle.

Chakotay:  I demand that you return me to Voyager immediatly!
Super Dave:  Hi folks, Super Dave Osborne here.  We are just
	pages away from my spectacular stunt where I will jump
	Robert Beltran with a motorcyle!  Stay tuned!
Chakotay: Q?  Q?  Do you have anything to do with this?
Super Dave: [Smiles and puts his arm around Chakotay]

*************************************************************

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Announcer:  Coming to theaters this summer from Twentieth
Century Fox and Disney, it's the sequel to the most beloved
Disney film of all time AND the big screen version of a hit
FOX show!

[We see Mufasa, Rafiki, Timon, and Pumbaa standing in front
of Pride Rock drinking beer.]

Simba:  Hi, dad...  Me and Nala are going down to the shadowy
	place and get chased by hyenas.
Mufasa:  Why the hell do you wanna go and do that for?
Simba:  Because...  I wanna practice my roar.

Simba and Nala walk off

Mufasa:  That boy ain't right.
Pumbaa:  Aw, go easy on the kid, Mufasa.  He and Nala are in
	love...  reminds me of me and my ex-wife.  You know she
	gets half my wages in alimony and...
Timon:  Don't let him go, Mufasa!  It's all a conpiracy!  The
	hyena's got stealth black helicopters to keep an eye on
	the shadowy place!  Trust no one, if you know what I
	mean!
Rafiki: Yeahman, Itellyouwaht, it'slikethemdangedoldhyena's
	sitdownthereinthatdangedoldshadowyplaceeatinganydanged
	oldthingthattheycanandlaughingandanydangedoldthingthat
	theysee, youknow? Heeeheeeheeeheeheeee!!!  Yeah, man.

Announcer: The Lion King of the Hill!  Coming soon to a
	theater near you!

Sarabi:  Well, Simba, we would like to give you a brother or
	a sister, but we can't on account of Mufasa'a narrow
	urethra.
Mufasa:  Sarabi!

*************************************************************

In Skinner's office, Mulder and Scully's boss is peering at
the latest issue of "PlayDirector" magazine, when the phone
rings.

Skinner:  [answers phone] Yes?
Mulder:  Hello sir.
Skinner:  Agent Mulder, let me guess...  the case went
	unsolved and the evidence of goverment involvement was
	either destroyed or lost.
Mulder:  How'd you know?
Skinner:  Call it a hunch.
Mulder:  That's okay, sir.  That's not the reason I called
	you.
Skinner:  It's not?
Mulder:  I have a very important announcement to make.
Skinner:  Mulder, I already know that we're moving to Los
	Angeles next season.
Mulder:  That's not why I'm calling.
Skinner:  They cut me out of the movie, didn't they?  Those
	dirty bastards!
Mulder: Sir, if you'll just let me explain...
Skinner:  Oh no... You don't have to explain anything Mulder! 
	I rented "Playing God" the other day and if you ask me,
	it was a piece of shit!  You can't act worth a damn and
	I don't understand WHY you're a star, Mr. Moody
	Monotone man!
Mulder:  Well, sir...  I rented "Shocker" and "Vampire in
	Brooklyn" one night and I...
Skinner:  [interrupting, a little embarrassed]  Forget I said
	anything Mulder.  Now, why are you calling?
Mulder:  Scully and I are getting married!
Skinner: [a pause] I beg your pardon?
Mulder:  We're engaged!  We're going to get married right
	here in San Fransisco tomorrow and we want you to come
	to the wedding!
Skinner:  This is a joke right?
Mulder:  No, sir!  This is for reals!
Skinner:  Mulder, do you have any idea what you're saying!?
Mulder:  [thinks a second]  Yeah, I said that Scully and I
	are getting married.
Skinner:  Do you have any idea what the consequences of such
	bold move are!?  My god man!  Half the people who tune
	in are the people who WANT to see a relationship
	between the two of you and if you give them what they
	want they no longer have a reason to watch the show
	every week!  My god, man!  Think of "Lois and Clark!" 
	THINK OF "LOIS AND CLARK"!!!  Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!

Skinner continues to sream and ramble uncontrollably until
Mulder finally gets tired and hangs up.  Skinner stops
yelling, grabs his chest and falls behind his desk just
before Pendrel and Skinner's secretary walk into his office.

Secretary:  What's wrong with Director Skinner!?
Penrel:  [takes Skinner's pulse]  I think he's dead!

a pause

Secretary:  Let's get out of here!

The secretary and Pendrel run away leaving Skinner lying on
the floor.  Meanwhile, Donner and Jason are sitting in front
of a computer writing this story.  Maggie Becket is sitting
in Jason's lap for some reason.

Jason: [to Maggie]  ...and the information is relayed through
	the phone lines to people all around the world!
Maggie:  Wow!  So you're saying that people all around the
	world will be reading this story you're writing?
Donner:  Well, half of them will loose intrest halfway
	through... but that's about the gist of it.
Maggie:  Wow!  I want an internet too!
Jason: [pats Maggie on the head] That's good Maggie.

The door opens and Professor Arturo walks in.  He looks at
Maggie and frowns.

Arturo:  What is SHE doing here?
Jason:  Look, Max, this is the last "Sliders Meet the X-
	Files" story I'm ever going to write and it seemed only
	fair to give Maggie a role in this one.
Arturo:  That's ridiculous!  If you want to be far, why don't
	you give that Colin person a cameo.

The doorbell rings

Donner:  I'll get it.

Donner gets up and answers the front door.

Donner:  Yes?
Colin:  [holds up a pizza]  Did you order a double pepperoni
	with cheese?
Donner:  Yeah.  [hands Colin a ten dollar bill]
Colin:  Hey, the tab's $14!
Donner: You're twenty minutes late!  Four bucks off!

Donner slams the door on Colin creating a Colin-shaped
impression in the door.  Back in the room with Arturo,
Maggie, and Jason, there is an argument going on.

Jason:  Max!  What are you doing here?  You're supposed to be
	in a Kromagg prison with Scully and the other sliders.
Arturo:  I know, but I wanted to come to an understanding
	with you.
Jason:  Okay...
Arturo:  I want an end to the fat jokes.
Jason:  Excuse me?

Sympathetic music begins to play

Arturo:  I know that I am a little overweight, but that does
	not give you the right to make jokes at my expense. 
	Now, the "order in the courtroom" thing was cute and I
	did get a little bit of a chuckle out of that cliched
	and overused pun, but I am asking you, character to
	writer, not to make anymore of those jokes at me.  I am
	a much beloved character and I deserve a little
	respect.
Jason:  Okay, Max... you got a deal.  No more fat jokes.
Maggie:  Will you stop making slut jokes about me and stop
	making fun of my breasts?  You know, stop calling them
	bazooms and implants and jugs and things like that?

The music stops

Jason:  No.
Maggie: Okay.
Arturo:  Well, that's all I really wanted to say.  Thank you
	for listening.
Jason:  You're welcome.

Arturo walks toward the door just in time for Donner to come
in with the pizza.

Donner:  I got the pizza and I got that cameo over with.
Arturo:  [takes the pizza]  Oh, thank you!  I'm famished!

Arturo leaves.   Donner looks at Jason in confusion.
hjkpofdasuioshjfklasytuioasjdhg7869sgiaskandgosuhoasggf
Jason slaps Maggie's hands away from the keyboard. Back in
the Kromagg prision, Arturo is stading in the corner with the
pizza box unwilling to share with the others.  Quinn is
studying the panel that activates the forcefeild.

Quinn:  I have an idea!  
Scully:  The first time is always special.
Quinn: [ignores Scully]  If we can get some sort of hot
	viscous stuff all over this panel, we can short out the
	forcefeild and escape!
Wade:  Where are we going to find a hot viscous material?
Scully:  In a Kromagg prison?
Rembrandt:  At this time of night?

Arturo belches and everyone in the cell looks at him.

Rembrnadt:  A hot viscous material?  Like...pizza cheese?
Quinn: Perfect!  Professor Arturo, could we have a slice of
	your...

Arturo growls and snapps at Quinn.  Scully and the other
sliders jump on him, trying to wrestle one slice of pizza
away from him.  Arturo effortlessly throws them all off.

Scully:  It's no use.  We can't get a slice from him.
Wade:  No so fast, Agent Scully, I have a plan!

Wade walks over to Arturo who takes up a defensive position
keeping the pizza away from Wade.

Wade:  [points at the pizza]  Professor Arturo?  Is that an
	anchove?

Arturo screams and throws the slice at Wade.  It hits Wade in
the face and she screams in agony as the hot cheese burns
her.   Quinn catches her and tears the pizza off of her face.

Wade: [feels her face]  Hey!  My pores are clean!

Quinn slapps the pizza on the forcefield panel.  Nothing
happens.

Quinn:  Shit!
Rembrandt: Well, it was a stupid plan anyway.

A Kromagg (special guest star: Jonathan Frakes) walks down
the hall and sees the pizza splattered against the panel.

Kromagg:  What the hell?  Oh, what a mess!  I'm going to give
	you all such a pinch!

The Kromagg lowers the forcefeild and pulls out a bottle of
Windex and a paper towel.  He begins to clean the panel.

Kromagg:  Now, I'm going to trust you all not to hit me over
	the head and escape while I have my back turned.
Scully:  I'm sorry, what did you say?
Kromagg:  I said I don't want you to hit me on the head and
	escape while my back is turned.
Wade: Okay.

After a few minutes, the Kromagg finishes cleaning and
activates the forcefeild.  He walks away and Quinn sighs.

Quinn:  I was so sure that plan would work!
Rembrandt:  We'll just have to come up with another plan, Q-
	Ball.

Meanwhile, on Earth #69, Mulder and Scully are doing a lot of
romantic mushy junk set to hip eighties music.  Mulder and
Scully run through a park together knocking over children and
old women.  Next they are on canoe (Mulder is strumming on a
guitar and Scully is paddling).  Now we see the Titanic. 
Jack and Rose are on the bow.

Rose:  I feel as if I could fly!

Mulder and Scully walk into the background and start to shove
Jack and Rose out of the way.

Jack:  Hey!  We were here first!
Mulder: [picks up Jack by the lapels]  Beat it, mad-child! 
	It's our turn!

Mulder throws Jack overboard and Scully does the same to
Rose.  Jack and Rose fall into a waiting school of sharks. 
Mulder and Scully stand on Titanic's bow.

Scully:  I feel as if I can fly!
Mulder:  Wow, three Titanic jokes in one parody.  It must be
	a record!

As the music swells to a crescendo, the Titanic hits the
iceberg and sinks.

Back in the Dominion Hotel, Mulder and Scully walk into the
lobby.  They are both blue, covered in ice crystals, soaking
wet, and holding Titanic lifesavers.

Scully:  Mulder, have you gotten a best man for the wedding
	yet?
Mulder:  Not yet.  I have a few people I'm going to ask
	though.  I'll see you tomorrow when we become man and
	wife.  Later schnookems.
Scully:  Bye, Cutey-pie!

Mulder leaves and Scully walks into the elevator where we see
a Kromagg in a maid's uniform (special guest star: Charton
Heston)

Kromagg:  Report!
Scully:  The wedding to to be set up tomorrow at noon.
Kromagg:  I see, so Agent Mulder is puddy in your hands.
Scully: (grins) In my hands, nothing turns to puddy.

Scully leaves the elevator.  A few hours later, at the office
of the Lone Gunmen:

Byers:  No, really Mulder, what's the joke?
Mulder:  No joke, Scully and I are getting married. 
	Frohikie, put down the candlestick.

Frohickie puts down the candlestick he was about to bash
Mulder's skull in with.

Frohicke:  How'd you know I was about to kill you?
Mulder:  It's a gift.
Frohicke:  But you're stealing Scully... MY SCULLY!!!
Langly:  She's not YOUR Scully.  The closest you ever got to
	her was the time she accidentally sit on you hand.
Frohicke:  I haven't washed this hand ever since.
Byers:  I really wish you would.
Frohicke:  But Byers... I do not control the hand!  THE HAND 
	CONTROLS ME!!!

Frohickie chases Byers trying to touch him with his dirty
hand.
  
Langly:  Mulder, I assume you're still looking for a best
	man?
Mulder:  You assume correctly.  You guys are my best friends
	and I trust you all implicitly.

The chase ends and Langly, Frohickie, and Byers smiles

Mulder: ...so do have any recomendations for me?

The lone gunmen stop smiling.   Meanwhile, in the Cheers 
tavern, we see Cancerman, the Well Manacured Man, X, 
and Deep Throat are having drinks.

Karla:  Here you go.  Four beers.  That will be four dollars.
Cancerman:  Here, keep the change.
Karla:  There ain't no change.
Cancerman:  Well... keep it anyway.

Karla slaps Cancerman on the back of his head and storms off.

Cancerman:  What a woman!  I must have her!
Deep Throat:  So, did you hear the news?
Manicured Man:  What news?
Deep Throat:  Fox Mulder is getting married.
Cancerman:  [chokes on his drink]
X: Mulder?  Can't be!  He's gay!
Deep Throat:  He's not gay!
Manicured Man: You sure?
Deep Throat:  He's getting married ain't he?
Cancerman: So, who's he marrying?
Deep Throat:  Dana Scully.
Cancerman:  WHAT!?
Manicured Man:  Are you thinking the same thing I'm thinking?
X:  How a gaywad like Mulder could bag a hot little number
	like Scully?
Manicured Man:  Besides that.
Deep Throat:  Maybe we should get them a toaster or something
	nice like that.
X:  Wait a second, aren't you supposed to be dead?
Deep Throat:  Aren't you?
X:  Touché.
Cancerman:  Guys!  Guys!  GUYS!!!  A Mulder and Scully
	marriage in one of the things listed in the "X-Files
	Bible" that should never be allowed to happen.  Since
	it appears to be happening, we can only assume that
	something evil is afoot.  Something that could spell
	doom for the entire planet!
Manicured Man:  Are you saying...!?
Cancerman:  Yes...  The most evil force we have ever
	encountered has returned and is using this marrage to
	alter reality and conquer us all!  I have seen this
	evil...  it held me captive several years ago.
X:  Who!?  What is this evil you speak of!?
Cancerman:  I can come to only one conclusion.  [a pause as
	eerie music wells up]  Pauly Shore is about to release
	another movie!

Everyone in Cheers gasps

Cancerman: I was held captive for TWO HOURS during "Bio-
	Dome".  It was the most painful thing I've ever gone
	through.  Well... other than that time I was held
	captive by that race from another dimension, the
	Kromaggs, who couldn't conquer this dimension due to
	the massive amounts of nicotine in the atmosphere that
	prevented their manta ships from flying but they did
	vow to conquer our dimension in some way that we would
	least expect.  [a pause]  Although, I don't see how
	that relates to what we were talking about. 
Manicured Man:  Then it's agreed.  We must go to San
	Fransisco and stop this wedding!  [a pause]  After this
	beer.

Norm and Cliff approach them

Norm:  Uhhh... excuse us, but you're sitting at our stools.
Cancerman:  Have you ever wondered what it would be like to
	die of a heart attack... or a stroke... or a case of
	heartworms?
Cliff:  Well, it's a little known fact that heartworms are
	named what they're named because they burrow into the
	heart of the host they attach themselves into and...

As Cliff rambles on, X, Cancerman, The Well Manicured Man,
and Deep Throat grab their ears and run out the front door.

Norm:  Good work Cliff.
Cliff:  Thanks Normy.

Meanwhile, in a distant corner of Russia, Alex Krycek and
Marita Covarrubias are making out.  Krycek finally comes up
for air.

Krycek:  I LIKE this parody!

Marita's cel-phone rings.  She picks it up and accidentally
activates a wormhole.  After pressing a few more buttons, the
wormhole snaps shut and she answers the call.

Marita:  Hello?  Yes?  Get out of here!  GET OUT OF HERE!!!
Krycek:  What is it?
Marita:  It's a phone, Alex...
Krycek:  I know that...  What's the call about.
Marita:  Mulder and Scully are getting married.
Krycek:  Get out of here!
Marita:  That's what I said!
Krycek:  We have GOT to get back to America and see this!
Marita:  I'll get the tickets!

Meanwhile, on the planet Boinkeron, the big-necked alien
bounty hunter receives new orders.

Voice:  Bounty Hunter!  You are to return to Earth to prevent
	the wedding of Fox Mulder and Dana Scully.  Such a
	merger of two such carbon based lifeforms will be
	disastrous to our plans.
Bounty Hunter:  Just so we're on the same wavelength, what is
	our plan... exactly?
Voice:  Our plan is complicated and immensely simple.  We
	will explain it to you now in laymen's terms that will
	put all questions to rest.

The Bounty Hunter pulls out a tub of popcorn and listens with
great interest.

Voice:  Phase one of our colonization effort of Earth is as
	follows:  With the help of alien/human hybrids we
	will...

-------------------------------------------------------------

Announcer:  We interrupt this program to take you live to the
	56th annual SCI-FI Awards in the beautiful city of
	Stink Creek, Montana.  Here are presenters William
	Shatner and Roland Emmerich.

Shatner:  Hello...I'm...William Shatner...and this
	is...Rescue 911.
Emmerich:  [laughs]  No it's not, Mr. Shatner.  We're
	supposed to be giving out an award here.
Shatner:  Oh...  I see.  So...  tell us, Roland... what
	is...your next film...going to...be about?
Emmerich:  Well, of course you know it's going to be hard to
	top "Independence Day" and "Godzilla", but Dean Devlin
	and I have been spending our time and money on a new
	project that has twice the amount of explosions,
	destruction, and narrow escapes by dogs that will keep
	the particularly cattle-like summer moving going
	audiences entertained and drooling for two hours.  It's
	called "The World Blows Up" and it stars Pee-Wee Herman
	as the man facing an alien invasion and an attack by
	the mole men from below all while a volcano erupts in
	Washington DC.  [aside]  Let's see that fat 
	f-[bleep]-ck Roger Ebert give THAT one thumbs down!
Shatner: [disgusted]  We are...here...to give out... the
	award for best... female lead to leave...a hit sci-fi
	show.
Emmerich:  And the nominees are:  Terry Farell for Deep Space
	Nine, Sabrina Lloyd for Sliders, Claudia Christian for
	Babylon 5, and Jennifer Lien for Voyager.
Shatner:  And the award goes to... [opens envelope]
	...Jennifer Lien!  Unfortunately, Jennifer couldn't
	be...here today...  but then again neither
	could...any...of...the other nominees, so
	accepting...on her behalf is the lovely...new USS
	Voyager crewman, Seven of Nine.
Seven of Nine:  I accept this award for the boring Ocompa
	babe who got fired.

Suddenly, the enormous light fixture collapses onto the stage
crushing Seven of Nine.

Shatner:  OH MY GOD!  THEY KILLED SEVEN!
Emmerich:  YOU BASTARDS!
Shatner:  Wait!  I...see someone up there!
Emmerich: Why, it's Jennifer Lien!
Shatner:  And she appears to be holding a chainsaw!

Jennifer Lien (in Kes' wardrobe) climbs down onto the stage

Shatner:  Kes...why...did...you...DO IT!?
Kes:  That fu-[bleep]-ing bi-[bleep]-ch stole my job and I
	thought that by killing her f-[bleep]-king ass I'd get
	my job back!
Seven of Nine: [emerging from the rubble unscathed]  You want
	your job back?  You'll have to go through me!
Kes: [revs chainsaw]  You got it you silicone injected
	harlot!
Seven of Nine:  Resistance is futile, you mousy bitch!

Kes and Seven of Nine engage in a massive catfight.  Emmerich
nervously looks at the camera.

Emmerich:  Uhh... we'll be right back with Harlon Elison and
	Jean Claude Van Damme who will present the award for
	least repulsive sci-fi show canceled by a major
	network this season.  [a pause]  Remember to vote for
	"The Visitor"!

Announcer:  We now return to "Sliders Meet the X-Files V...
	already in progress.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Voice: ...and with the help of the bees, our victory is
	assured...  but not if Scully and Mulder tie the knot!
Bounty Hunter:  Wow!
Voice:  Now, get your ass to Earth and STOP THAT WEDDING!!!

Back in the Kromagg prison, Scully and the Sliders are trying
to figure out a way to escape.

Quinn:  I've got it!
Scully:  WHAT!?
Quinn:  I don't know why I didn't think of this before!

Quinn tears his shirt open revealing a giant letter "Q" on
his chest.

Announcer:  Faster than a speeding allosouras!  More powerful
	than an electric twister!  Able to leap into round
	wormholes at the last second for no good reason at all! 
	It's SUPERQUINN!
SuperQuinn:  Fear not, mortals!  I will get us out of here in
	a flash!

SuperQuinn blows a hole in the wall with his heat vision and
steps outside and faces the Kromagg Supreme Commander.

SuperQuinn:  Your days are numbered, Kromagg!
Supreme Commander:  I don't think so, SuperQuinn!  [holds up
	a green crystal]  Ha!  Kryptonite!  Do you feel weak
	and helpless now, SuperQuinn!?  [laughs maniacally]
SuperQuinn:  That's Superman's weakness.
Supreme Commander:  Oh...  Well, how about THIS!!! [holds up
	a yellow piece of paper]  Your powers can't affect me
	because I'm hiding behind this paper and your powers
	can't affect anything that's yellow!
SuperQuinn:  Uh... That's the Green Lantern's weakness.
Supreme Commander:  Oh...  Well, how about THIS!?  [picks up
	a bucket of water and douses Quinn with it]  HA!  Are
	you melting?  Melting?  Melting?
SuperQuinn:  That's the Wicked Witch of the West!
Supreme Commander:  Okay!  I give up!  What is your weakness?
SuperQuinn:  Well...

Five minutes later, Quinn is back to normal and back in the
cell.

Quinn: [banging head up against the wall]  Never give away
	your weakness to an enemy!  How many times do I have to
	remind myself of that!?  Never give away the weakness! 
	Never! Never! Never!
Scully:  Don't worry, Mr. Mallory, I have a plan that will
	not fail.  [takes out a cel phone and makes a call] 
	Hello, get me Jonnie Cochran please and hurry!  [a
	pause]  Yes, hello Mr. Cochran, Dana Scully here.  My
	friends and I are being detained in a Kromagg Prison
	Planet.  [a pause]  Yes, one of us is black.  [a pause] 
	Okay, thank you. [she hangs up]  Those Kromagg bastards
	are in for it now!
Rembrandt:  What do you mean?
Scully:  Tomorrow begins the TRIAL OF THE CENTURY OF THE
	WEEK!
Quinn:  Uh... Agent Scully?
Scully:  Yeah?
Quinn:  The last time we went to trial, we almost got
	castrated.
Scully:  Aw...hell.

The next day, back on Earth #69, everyone is preparing for
the wedding.  Mulder and Frohickie are out on the front lawn
of the church greeting people as they come in.

Frohickie:  I can't believe you made that stuffed shirt,
	Skinner your best man.
Mulder: It was either that or have you guys fighting with
	each other.  You are the lone gunmen... friends till
	the end and I wouldn't see that friendship jeopardized
	for anything.
Frohickie:  He threatened to fire you didn't he?
Mulder:  That bastard.

A little kid walks up to Mulder.

Kid:  Hi cousin Mulder.
Mulder:  Hello little Vernon, I'm glad you could make it.

Little Vernon smiles and skips into the parking lot where he
is run over by a large black car.

Frohickie:  OH MY GOD!  THEY KILLED VERNON!
Mulder:  [uninterested]  Those bastards.
Frohickie:  Mulder, your little cousin was just run over and
	killed!
Mulder:  Whopdie-freakin-doo!  All relitives of mine and
	Scully's die horribly sooner or later.  My dad,
	Scully's sister.  Okay, okay... for example.  You see
	that sweet little old lady over there?  That's Scully
	great aunt Raynelle.

A swarm of bees decends on Great Aunt Raynelle and she dives
into a nearby river.  After a few minutes, it's clear that
she isn't coming up.

Frohikie:  Man, that's disturbing!
Mulder:  Family reunions are always messy.

Meanwhile, in the black car that ran over Vernon, all of the
X-Files baddies, Cancerman, The well Manicured Man, X, Deep
Throat, Marita Covarrubias, Krycek, and the Alien Bounty
Hunter, are waiting dressed as caterers.

Cancerman:  Is everyone familar with the plan?
Krycek:  Go in...  try and disrupt the wedding... try to be
	funny.
X:  And do it with a smile, candy ass!
Krycek:  Don't call me a candy ass you big dumb-head!
X:  You're the dumb-head!
Krycek:  YOU'RE the dumb-head!
Manicured Man:  Gentlemen!  Settle down!
Krycek:  Why should we!?
Bounty Hunter:  [gets out his pointy killing thing] Because
	if you don't, I'll make wus-ka-bob out of you both! 
	Got it!?
X & Krycek:  Got it.
Cancerman:  Okay, let's go ruin this wedding!

Meanwhile, back on Earth 911, there is a trial going on. 
Jonnie Cochran is defending the sliders and the Kromagg
Supreme commander is acting as judge.

Cochran:  So you see, if the gloves don't fit... you must
	acquit!  If they didn't do the crime... they shouldn't
	do the time!  Don't throw them the book... 'cause they
	ain't crooks!
Supreme Commander:  Mr. Cochran, we've been here for seven
	hours and so far, the only thing you've said in the
	slider's defense are a bunch of stupid rhymes that
	don't make sense.
Cochran:  Don't be cruel to a heart that's true, judge. 
	'Cause you see...  Through every day turn... turn..
	turn... there is a season.  Turn... Turn... Turn...
Scully:  This doesn't make any sense!  This guy got O.J. off! 
	He shouldn't have any problem getting us free.
Supreme Commander:  [innocently]  Oh, you wanted THAT Johnnie
	Cochran!
Rembrandt:  What do you mean, "THAT Johnnie Cochran?"
Supreme Commander:  Well, you see... THIS Johnnie Cochran is
	from a universe where O.J. went to the gas chamber.
Cochran:  Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as
	snow...
Wade:  That's not fair!
Supreme Commander:  Life's not fair, little missy, live with
	it!
Cochran:  There once was a man from Nantucket, who...
Supreme Commander:  Okay, that's enough... get rid of this
	imbecile.  Now, as for you four, I...  Wait a minute... 
	[counting] One... two... three... four...  Wait a
	minute... one of you is missing!
Quinn:  Hey, he's right!
Rembrant:  The professor's gone.
Wade:  Gone?  But where could he have gone?

Meanwhile...

Arturo:  Look, I asked you kindly to stop the fat jokes and
	you turn right around and crack one at my expense.  I
	am appalled!
Jason:  I'm sorry.
Maggie:  I thought you were named Max.
Arturo:  What?
Maggie:  You just said you were 'paul'?
Arturo:  Appalled, you brainless tart!
Maggie:  He's yelling at me!  Make him stop!
Jason:  Stop yelling at Maggie, professor.  And why am I
	listening to you anyway?  This is MY parody and you
	will do as I say!
Arturo: [defiantly]  ...and what if I don't?
Maggie:  What does 'defiantly' mean?
Jason:  ...I'll get a replacement!
Arturo:  Who?
Donner:  Who?
Maggie:  Who?
Announcer:  Who will replace Arturo?  Will it be Mr.
	Garrison?  Officer Barbrady?  Chef?
Jason:  No!  Maggie, get in there and take over in the
	courtroom scene!  You're replacing Arturo!
Maggie:  Yippie skippy!  [Maggie prances off]
Arturo:  You cannot be serious about this!
Jason:  I am.

Back in the courtroom...

Supreme Commander:  As I was saying, you will all be
sentenced to death at Earth 113 for trespass against the
Kromagg dynasty.  There you will...
Maggie:  I love that show.
Supreme Commander:  What show?
Maggie:  Dynasty.  [starts humming the 'Dynasty' theme]
Supreme Commander:  Right...  okay...  As I was saying...
	there you will all be tortured for a period of ten
	years by stretching on the rack.  After which we
	will...
Maggie: [raises her hand]
Supreme Commander:  Yes professor?
Maggie:  I'm Maggie.  The professor got fired.
Supreme Commander:  JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT!!!
mAGGIE: wILL THE RACK MAKE ME TALLER? i ALWAYS WANTED TO BE
	TALLER.
qUINN:  gUYS, SOMETHING'S WRONG.
wADE: yEAH, IT LOOKS LIKE jASON LEFT THE CAPS LOCK ON.
rEMBRANDT:  sOMEBODY'D BETTER TELL HIM.
sCULLY: wHO SHOULD WE SEND?

eVERYONE LOOKS AT MAGGIE

mAGGIE:  wHAT?
eVERYONE: go tell jason he left the caps lock on!!!
mAGGIE: tHAT WASN'T IN CAPS!
sCULLY: that's because we're yelling!!!
mAGGIE: bUT IF YOU'RE YELLING IT SHOULD BE IN CAPS.
eVERYONE:  just go!!!

jASON:  tHIS IS AWFUL!  tHE CAPS LOCK IS ON AND i CAN'T TURN
	IT OFF!
dONNER:  wHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU CAN'T TURN IT OFF!?
mAGGIE: [WALKS IN] jASON, EVERYBODY'S PISSED OFF BECAUSE THE
	CAPS LOCK IS ON.
jASON:  i know the caps lock is on!!! [A PAUSE] dAMN, i CAN'T
	EVEN YELL RIGHT LIKE THIS!  tHIS IS AWFUL!
aRTURO:  yES, IT'S A SHAME.  yOU KNOW, i 'COULD' FIX IT FOR
	YOU.

eVERYBODY LOOKS AT THE PROFESSOR

jASON:  you DID THIS!
aRTURO:  wHILE YOU LOOKED AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER A LITTLE
	WHILE AGO, i IMPLANTED A HOSTILE PROGRAM INTO YOUR cpu
	THAT TURNS ON YOUR CAPS LOCK AND WON'T LET YOU TURN IT
	OFF!  iT CAN ONLY BE DEACTIVATED BY A CODE WHICH i
	ALONE KNOW!  bah-ha-ha-ha!!!
dONNER:  yOU DIABOLICAL BASTARD!  wE CAN'T FINISH THE PARODY
	LIKE THIS!!!
aRTURO:  i MAY GIVE YOU THE CODE TO DE-ACTIVATE THE PROGRAM
	IN EXCHANGE FOR YOUR COMPLETE ASSURANCE THAT THERE WILL
	BE NO MORE FAT JOKES AT MY EXPENSE.
jASON:  i GET TO DO TWO MORE FAT JOKES!
aRTURO: [A PAUSE]  oNE FAT JOKE...  jUST ONE.
jASON:  fINE!  oNE FAT JOKE!  THAT'S ALL!  nOW, PLEASE FIX MY
	COMPUTER!  tHIS IS GETTING ANNOYING!
dONNER:  aND THE JOKE'S REALLY GOTTEN OLD.

aRTURO GOES OVER TO THE COMPUTER AND PRESSES THE NUMBER 4
after which, as you can see, everything goes back to normal.

Arturo:  There, you see?  Everything is fine.  [evily] 
	However, you are allowed ONE more fat jokes at my
	expense... if you make two...  I will disable your
	spell checker!
Donner:  Yeah, right.
Arturo: [snaps fingers]
Jason:  Watt the hell whaz that four?
Donner: He did it!  He turned off the spell checker!
Jason:  Thiz is aweful!  Mak it stopp!
Arturo:  [snaps fingers]
Jason:  Okay, professor... you've made your point.  You're
	hired.
mAGGIE: i DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT JUST HAPPENED.
Donner: [slaps Maggie on the back of the head]
Maggie:  Thanks, it's working now.

Everyone stares at Maggie for a few seconds.

Jason:  Yeah, so... as I was saying... Professor, you're
	hired again.  Report to the courtroom.
Arturo:  Sure.  [picks up a huge bazooka]  Can I borrow this?
Jason:  Sure, whatever...

Arturo leaves.

Donner:  Jason?
Jason:  What?
Donner:  Have we checked in with Super Dave yet?
Jason:  Who?  [a pause]  OH, SHIT! [starts typing wildly]

-------------------------------------------------------------

Super Dave:  [snoring - then wakes up]  What?  Are we on?  Hi
	folks!  Super Dave Osborne here...  Robert Beltran is
	being "secured" to the track as we speak.

We see several security goons tying Chakotay to the track.

Chakotay:  Get you're hands off me!  You can't do this!  I'm
	a Federation citizen!
Super Dave:  Stay tuned, because at the end of this parody I
	will jump Robert Beltran with my motorcycle.

We see the motorcycle.  It has circular saw blades for wheels
and looks especially mean.  Chakotay screams like a little
girl.  Super Dave gives the thumbs up sign.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Back in the courtroom, Arturo shows up toting the Bazooka
over his shoulder.

Supreme Commander:  What this that?
Arturo:  What's what?
Supreme Commander:  That!  That big bazooka looking thing!
Arturo:  Oh, it's a bazooka.
Supreme Commander: And what do you plan to do with it?
Arturo:  Oh nothing... I just thought I would break my
	friends out with it and force you to give us the timer
	back after you set it to send us to agent Scully's home
	Earth so we can stop whatever plan you have in mind.

Donner:  Wow, he's smart.
Jason:  He cheated!
Donner:  Still smart.

Supreme Commander: [adjusts timer and throws it back to the
	sliders]  Fine, you got your stinking timer back and I
	hope you choke on it!  I don't see what good it will do
	you!  In ten minutes, we will send a wave of manta 	
	ships into earth #69 and destroy everyone and
	everything!
Scully:  I thought you couldn't fly your ships on my earth
	because of the nicotine pollution in the atmosphere.
Supreme Commander: After we disrupt reality in your universe
	by marrying Agent Mulder to a replicant of you, agent
	Scully, the nicotine contamination will dissipate
	allowing the Kromagg dynasty to invade!  Bwah!  Ha! Ha!
	Ha! Ha!
Scully:  I replicant of ME!?  [prepares to do the Supreme Commander
	severe bodily harm]
Wade: [stopping Scully]  Wait!  [to Supreme Commander] I just have
	one question for you...... where the hell are the shoes!?
Quinn:  Wade, we'll explain that to you later.

Scully grabs the supreme commander by the neck and grabs the
timer.  She activates the wormhole, throws the commander in,
kicks the other sliders in, yells like Tarzan and then jumps
in herself.  Back on Earth #69, Mulder is standing in front
of the church when a limo with the entire cast of 'Psi-
Factor" drive by mooning him.  He watches them go and then
gives them the finger.

Frohikie:  Come on, Mulder...  It's time.
Mulder:  Howdy Doody time?
Frohikie:  No, Mulder... it's time for you to get married.

All of the sudden, Dr. Bambi Berenbaum (from the cockroach
episode) runs up to Mulder.

Bambi:  Fox!
Mulder:  Bambi!
Bambi:  Don't do it, Mulder!  Don't marry Scully!  I love
	you!
Mulder:  I'm sorry, Bambi, but I'm beyond girls named after
	cute but boring Disney characters.  I've left you
	behind along with Pocahontas, Mrs. Bianca, and
	Herbie...  Besides, the problems of two people don't
	amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. 
	[somewhere an airplane motor starts up]  Here's lookin'
	at you kid.

Mulder walks into the church.  Bambi reaches for something on
her neck and rips off an elaborate mask revealing that Mulder
has, in fact, just dumped Krycek.

Krycek:  [still wearing a dress, talks into a walkie talkie] 
	Phase one has been a failure... go to plan two!

The folks from 'Psi-Factor' drive by in the background
mooning and honking.  Krycek turns around and shots Matt
Frewer in the ass.  Meanwhile, as Mulder enters the church...

Bounty Hunter:  Agent Mulder!
Mulder:  Hey, you're that weird big-necked alien bounty
	hunter that has so-often foiled my plans to learn 'the
	truth'!  [a pause]  Glad you could make it.  Gotta go!

As Mulder turns to leave, the bounty hunter gets out that
pointy killing thing and begins stalking him.  He gets
closer... closer... closer... closer...  closer...
(suspenseful, huh?)

-------------------------------------------------------------
COMMERCIAL BREAK

From Rick Berman and Paul Verhoen, it's the motion picture
event you've been waiting for... STAR TREK TROOPERS!!!

Worf:  Come on you grunts!  You wanna live forever!?

Bugs fly in and start chopping up everyone in the fort.

Worf:  INCOMING!!!

A flying bug whacks Data's head off and it bounces in front
of Worf...

Data:  Well, I always wanted to get 'a head' in the world.
Worf:  Have I ever mentioned I hate that damned emotions
	chip?  [kicks Data's head like a football]

On the Enterprise, Riker is surrounded by dozens of new
recruits.

Riker:  I have only one rule.  Everyone fights, no one quits. 
	If you quit, I'll kill you myself.

In the middle of a big bug battle...

Picard:  No, this is wrong!  We must come to an
	understanding!  Talk out our differences... negotiate!

The bugs stop advancing, look at each other and start
laughing.

Picard:  Laugh at me, will you!?  Well, let's see how you
	like THIS!!!  [pulls out a can of Raid and starts
	spraying them]
Bugs:  RAAAAAAAAID!?  [they all explode]

Announcer:  STAR TREK TROOPERS!!!  Coming to a theater near
	you!

The entire crew is showering together...

Worf:  I've never felt so inadequate in my whole life.
Troi:  [looks at Worf and giggles]  No kidding.
Riker: [staring at Troi]  I like this movie.

-------------------------------------------------------------

...closer... closer... and closer.  Suddenly, the Alien
Bounty Hunter lunges at Mulder just as Mulder bends down to
ties his shoe.  The Bounty Hunter trips over Mulder and
impales three of Scully's relatives.  Mulder walks off.

Bounty Hunter:  Dammit!  [talks on walkie talkie]  Phase two
	is a bust, begin phase three!

The Well Manicured Man, X, and Deep Throat are standing together
awaiting Mulder.

X: [on walkie talkie]  Roger...
Bounty Hunter:  [over walkie talkie] Who's Roger?
X: [Ignores Bounty Hunter]  It's up to us!
Deep Throat:  What's the plan?
X: [a pause]  Plan?
Manicured Man:  [sighs]  We don't have a plan, do we?
X: [sheepishly]  ...no.
Deep Throat:  Great!  Just freakin' great!

Mulder walks past them.

X:  [a pause]  Oh well, wanna go eat?
Deep Throat:  You up for Chinese?
Manicured Man:  Sure.

The three men walk off into the sunset.  Meanwhile,
Marita Covarrubias is reading this parody on a computer and
has just gotten to this part and realized that X, Deep Throat,
and the W.M.M. has just blown it.  

Covarrubias:  Fortunately, I have a plan.

I'm sure you do.  She spies Mulder walking into the chaple
and calls out to him.

Covarrubias:  Mulder, come here!
Mulder:  Hey, I know you!  You're that chick with the
	unpronouncable name.
Covarrubias:  It's pronouncable if you give it enough
	practice.
Mulder:  What do you want?
Covarrubias:  I have something for you.  [pulls a videotape
	out of her purse]  Free porno!
Mulder:  F-Free p-p-p-porno?
Covarrubias:  Yesssss
Mulder: [looks at the tape]  Oh... That's "Oil in the
	Family".  I all ready have that one.
Covarrubias:  You do?  [pulls out another tape]  How about
	THIS one?  "Das Booty?"
Mulder:  Got it.
Covarrubias:  [pulls out another tape]  "In and Out in Beverly
	Hills"?
Mulder:  Got it.
Covarrubias:  "Romancing the Bone"?
Mulder: Got it... look, I really have to get going.
Covarrubias:  Wait!  uhh... [searchs through her purse for
	another tape]  Ha!  This looks like a porno!  Ever
	seen...  "DEEP IMPACT"!?
Mulder:  "DEEP IMPACT"!!!  Nooooooooooo!!!

Mulder runs into the chaple screaming.

Covarrubias:  I wonder what's so bad about this movie?

She goes to a nearby VCR, puts the tape in and begins
watching it.  What's a VCR doing there?  I don't know!  And
yes, I know that 'Deep Impact' isn't out on video yet, but
someday it will be!!!  It's a parody for chirstsakes!...  you
need to have suspension of disbelief...  or in this case,
suspension of intelligence, common sense, and logical
thinking.  Mulder finally gets into the chapel, the wedding
song begins to play, and faux-Scully smiles evily. 
Meanwhile, in the reception hall, the wormhole opens
depositing Scully, the sliders, and the Kromagg Supreme
Commander into the room.  Arturo lands on the wedding cake
but within moments he has licked himself clean.

Arturo:  That's the one!
Scully:  [hears the wedding song]  Mulder!  We've got to stop
	him!

Back in the chaple, Mulder and faux-Scully are standing in
front of the priest (special guest star: Jim "Ernest" Varney)

Priest:  Dearly beloved... and you too Skinner...
Skinner:   Hrumph!
Priest:  We are gathered her today to wed Dana Scully to
	Fox...  [a pause]  What the hell kind of a name is
	that?  [another pause]  ...to Fox Mulder.  If there is
	anyone in this room who feels there is a reason why
	these two should not be wed, let them speak now or
	gossip later.

Cancerman enters from the rear, but before he can say
anything, he takes a puff out of his ciggarette and begins
having a coughing fit that keeps him from saying anything...

Cancerman:  [thinking]  Where the hell is Covarrubias???

Meanwhile, Marita Covarrubias is watching 'Deep Impact'

Covarrubias:  So... boring...  [drools]  It is lobotomizing
	me...  yet, I can't look away...  So... boring... 
	So...  boring...  Tea Leoni...  she sucks...  Elija
	Woods...  sucks too...  must look away...  but can't... 
	so... boring... [she passes out - which is really sad,
	since she's only, like, five minutes into the movie.]

Back in the chapel, the priest has almost finished the
wedding ceremony while Cancerman continues to hack his lungs
out onto the carpet in the background.

Priest:  Do you have the ring?
Mulder:  [elbows Skinner]  Gimmie the ring!
Skinner:  Yeah, yeah, yeah...  [he fishes around his pocket
	for the ring and end up giving Mulder a ring with the
	broken 'X' on it...  he bought it at a convention...
	get it?]
Mulder:  [takes the ring and punches Skinner for no reason. 
	He puts the ring on Scully's finger]
Priest:  Then, by the power invested in me by the state of
	California and Jason Donner, I hearby pronounce you man
	and...

Before the priest can say, 'wife', Scully (the real one)
begins banging on a large window overlooking the entire
chapel.  How'd she get up there?  She took a wrong turn,
okay?

Scully:  [banging on glass]  MULDER!!!  MULDER!!!
Mulder:  [looks at Faux-Scully and back at real Scully] 
	...the hell?
Faux-Scully:  ...oh shit...

Scully bangs on the glass until it shatters and she falls
several feet to the ground, landing on the still-choking form
on Cancerman.  The sliders arrive with the Kromagg Supreme
Commander just as she gets up.

Scully:  Mulder, you can't marry her!  She's not me!
Faux-Scully:  Don't believe her!  I'm the REAL Scully!

The two Scullys fight each other and after a while, it's no
longer clear who the real Scully is.  

Mulder:  I'm confused.
Arturo:  Agent Mulder, is there anything that your Scully
	would know that an imposter wouldn't?
Mulder:  That's a good idea!  HEY, SCULLY!!!

The two Scully's stop fighting.

Mulder:  Okay, whoever answers this question HAS GOT to be
	the real Scully.  Okay, who kidnapped my sister?
Both Scullys: Aliens.
Mulder:  [taken aback]  W-Well, I...  Didn't expect that.
Quinn:  What do you mean?
Mulder:  I expected the real Scully to say 'bullshit' or
	something.
One of the Scullys:  Mulder, I believe everything now! 
	Aliens, Bigfoot, the Bermuda triangle, and everything!
The other Scully:  No, Mulder!  I believe everything!  I do,
	I do, I do!!!
Wade:  You do?
The other Scully:  I do.
Rembrandt:  I can't tell which Scully is the real one!

Donner:  Wow, that's good!  It's such a cool turn of events!
Jason:  I think so too!  This is so cool!  IT'S FLAWLESS!!!
Maggie:  But shouldn't the fake Scully be wearing the wedding
	dress?

Donner and Jason look at each other and then back at Maggie. 
Back in the chapel, the two Scullys are suddenly bombarded
with cosmic rays and their clothing is suddenly transformed
into a nice office-like apparel.

Jason: [to Maggie]  Happy?
Maggie:  About what?
Jason: [stares at Maggie and then starts writing again]

Quinn:  [grabs the Supreme Commnader]  Who's the real Scully?
Supreme Commander:  I don't know, I'm as clueless as you.
Mulder: [to both Scullys]  So, nothing we did meant anything
	to you?  None of the long walks in the park or late
	night canoes rides... [a pause]  ...or the kisses?

One of the Scullys barfs on the floor and the other just
smiles.  Mulder pulls out a guns and trains it on the smiling
Scully.

Mulder:  THAT'S the imposter!

Suddenly, everyone in the church pulls out a gun and aims it
at the fake Scully.

Rembrandt:  I don't believe it!  Agent Mulder, you set up a
	sting operation to catch the Kromagg infiltrator!  You
	knew that this Scully was a Kromagg all along?
Mulder:  Yes, I assumed that this imposter had some sort of
	strange motive for wanting to marry me, since I know
	the real Scully would never marry the likes of me. 
	Besides, she knows I'm really married to Tea Leoni.

Marita Covarrubias screams in the backgroud.

Mulder: [to a nearby cop]  Book 'em Dano.

Dano takes Faux-Scully and the Kromagg Supreme Commander
away.

Supreme Commander:  You may imprison us, but you cannot
	prevent the Kromagg takeover of this world!  We've
	altered your reality enough to allow our Manta ships
	into your dimension!  Nothing can stop us, can you hear
	us!?  NO ONE!!!

A gigantic wormhole opens in the sky above the church and
thousands of Manta ships begin screaming out of it blasting
everything in sight.

Quinn:  Well, THIS sucks.


-------------------------------------------------------------
Super Dave is getting on his motorcycle.

Super Dave:  Okay folks, it's time for my most spectacular
	stunt ever!  I will take my motorcycle of death and
	JUMP ROBERT BELTRAN (echoing) -TRAN, -Tran, -tran, -
	tran...

Super Dave revs his motorcycle and prepares for the jump. 
Chakotay, in the meantime has formulated a plan.

Chakotay:  Super Dave, did I ever tell you about the time me
	and my father decided to uphold the sacred traditions
	of the cloud people by journeying to the dessert
	wastelands of Arizona and partaking in a thirty hour
	ritual of prayer and sing-songs.

Super Dave steps on the gas and races towards Chakotay

Chakotay:  As I was saying, the first three hours was spent
	by putting on the ritual make-up and engaging in a
	ritual chant that went like this... "Baa-Baa Black
	Sheep...  Baa-Baa Black Sheep..."
Super Dave:  ...so boring....   so boring...

Super Dave falls asleep on the motorcycle and plows into a
wall exploding in a giant fireball.

Super Dave:  AHHHHHHH!!!!  [he stumbles out of the inferno a
	black and smoking mess]  We...  now return to Sliders
	Meet the X-Files V...   Already in progress...  [he
	trips over Chakotay who finally frees himself.]
Chakotay:  [taps comm badge]  Chakotay to Voyager... 
Janeway:  [sighs]  Oh, hi Chakotay...  I so...  "glad" you
	made it.
Chakotay:  Beam me up.

Chakotay beams away

-------------------------------------------------------------
The manta ships are still blowing up everything in sight. 
Mulder, Scully, Quinn, Rembrandt, Wade, and Arturo are
watching from the front steps eating wedding cake...

Arturo:  Ahem!

...all except Arturo who is comtempalating the ultimate
impact for Shakepere on modern day literature.  Happy?

Arturo: Quite.
Scully:  This is awful!  If only there was a way to stop
	them!
Mulder:   I have an idea!  I'll be right back!

Mulder runs into the church...

Scully: [to Quinn]  You want this corner peice?  It's got
	more icing.
Quinn:  Naw.
Jason:  I do!
Donner:  Me too!
Maggie:  Me three!
Wade:  What are you three doing here!?  You're supposed to be
	writing this stupid parody.
Jason:  I finished writing it a few minutes ago.  There was
	nothing going on back at the cabin, so we decided to
	come here.
Maggie:  We ordered pizza!

The pizza man shows up.  When he gets out of the car, we see
that it's Colin.

Colin:  Did you order the triple cheese?
Donner:  Yeah.  [he hands him a ten dollar bill]  Keep the
	change.
Colin:  There is no change.
Donner:  Well, keep it anyway.

Mulder comes running out of the church with Cancerman's limp
body under his arm.  He props Cancerman up against the wall
and slaps him repeatedly.

Mulder:  [slapping Cancerman]  Wake up!  Wake up!
Scully:  Mulder!  Mulder!  let me handle this.  [slaps
	Cancerman]  Wake up!  Wake up!  Do you hear me!?
Rembrandt:  Agent Scully, let me... [slaps Cancerman]  Get
	off your can you old fart!  get up, dammit!
Quinn:  Rembrant, stop it!  Let me! [slaps Cancerman]  Wake
	up you nicotine puffing peice of sh-
Wade:  QUINN!  Watch you're mouth!  Let me take over. [slaps
	Cancerman]  Wake the fuck up you black-lunged son of a
	bitch peice of shit!
Arturo:  That is no job for a sweet flower like you, my
	dear... let me... [cancerman with a baseball bat]  GET
	UP, NOW!!!
Donner:  Professer, you have a phone call...  [starts kicking
	Cancerman with an iron boot]  GET UP YOU WITHERED OLD
	BASTARD!!!
Colin:  Let me try.  [puts on a pair of boxing gloves and punches
	Cancerman repeatedly in the gut]  GET UP YOU STUPID MOTHER
	FU-
Jason:  Colin, let a pro do this...  [sticks Cancerman's finger
	in a glass of warm water causing the villain to pee his
	pants]
Cancerman:  WHAT THE... Oh, MAN!!!
Wade:  he's awake!  Yea!!!
Maggie:  MY TURN!!!  MY TURN!!!  [picks up a brick and slams
	it against Cancerman's head knocking him out cold] 
	Wake up!  Wake up!  Wake up! [a pause as she looks at
	everyone else]  WHAT!?

Mulder, Scully, the Sliders, Jason, and Donner spend another
ten minutes trying to wake Cancerman back up.

Cancerman:  I'm awake!  I'm awake!  What the hell do you
	want!?
Mulder:  We need you to smake like you've never smoked
	before!  We need you to single-handedly pollute the
	atmosphere so the Kromagg manta ships will fall from
	the sky...  CAN YOU DO IT!?
Cancerman:  Yes... Yes I can.  [pulls out a foot-long
	cigarette and begins puffing away.  After a few
	minutes, the Kromagg manta ships begin falling out of
	the sky on top of hospitals, orphanages, and old folks
	homes]
Scully:  Mulder, I'm impressed...  I thought you were the
	dumbass of the parody, but it turns out you've actually
	had everything figured out AND had a back-up plan in
	case the Kromaggs invaded.
Mulder:  And I'm impressed with you, Scully... I always
	thought you were forever going to be the disbeliever... 
	now, thanks to your imprisonment by the Kromaggs, you
	are much more open-minded to possibilities of the
	unknown.  I have a feeling that, with our combined
	intellects, we will have the X-Files solved in a year
	or less!
Scully:  And I'm not offended that you were about to marry
	that evil version of me.  I mean, it's not like you had
	sex with it or anything.
Mulder: [says nothing]
Scully:  You...  didn't have sex with it... did you?
Mulder:  er... uh...
Scully:  Oh, Mulder...
Mulder:  Scully, you don't think any less of me, do you?
Scully:  Mulder, it's not possible.
Mulder:  Thanks!
Cancerman:  Well, today's sucked.  I'm going home.  [he
	crosses his arms and blinks away like Barbara Edens on
	'I Dream of Jeannie']
Quinn:  [looks at timer]  Well, we have five minutes before
	the wormhole opens.
Mulder:  [shakes his hand]  Well, it was good to work with
	you again, Quinn...  I guess we won't see each other
	until 'Sliders Meet The X-Files VI'
Quinn:  Actually, this is the LAST 'Sliders Meet the X-Files'
	story.  Jason said so himself that the jokes gone too
	long and I'd say that this was a good enough series
	finale for me. Wouldn't you agree, Jason?
Jason:  Actually, I did have an idea about briging Rickman in
	for a part six.

Everybody glares at Jason who becomes noticably nervous.

Jason: Er... on the other hand.  I suppose we COULD just end
	it now.
Colin:  That's not fair!  I didn't get to be in one!
Wade:  You're in thins one, genious!
Colin: [thinks]  Oh... I guess you're right.

Everybody sits there for a few more minutes.

Mulder:  How long do you have until the wormhole opens up?
Quinn:  Three minutes.
Mulder:  I see.

Another long pause

Rembrandt:  [to Jason]  Couldn't you have written it so that
	we had ten seconds or something?
Jason:  Too late about that now.  I've already finished the
	story.
Scully: [to Mulder]  I've got a bunch of new thoughts about
	case number X-403.  You know how I said that there was
	no way that aliens could have been involved in the
	cattle mutilations.  Well, now that I believe in
	aliens, I believe that there is a strong possibility
	that there is a vast governmental conspiracy to mask
	the fact that aliens find cow scrotums a very effective
	aphrodisiac.
Mulder:  I would have never thought of that.  (Mainly because
	cows don't HAVE scrotums, but that's irrelevant).
Scully:  Furthermore, I believe that those smallpox carrying
	bees could be the catalyst for a...

Marita Covarrubias comes running out of the church screaming.

Covarrubias:  I WATCHED DEEP IMPACT!!!  I SAW THE WHOLE
	THING!!! IT WAS SO BORING, YET IT WAS SO MOVING AND
	DREARY...  WHY DID ELIJAH WOOD LIVE THROUGH IT!?  WHY
	DID HE LIVE WHEN SO MANY OTHERS DIED!!!???  IT'S NOT
	FAIR!!!!  THE END OF THE WORLD IS SUPPOSED TO BE FUN,
	NOT SOMBER!!!  AHHHHHHHHH!

Covarrubias knocks Scully down as she runs screaming off into
the sunset.  Scully bonks her head against the steps.

Wade:  Is she all right?
Mulder:  Scully, you okay?
Scully:  I'm fine Mulder.  Where are we?  Who are these
	people?
Arturo:  It appears that agent Scully is suffering from a
	form of short-term amnesia.
Mulder:  Scully, what were you saying about the aliens?
Scully:  What aliens?  Mulder, there's no such thing as
	aliens.  What are you, stupid?
Mulder:  But you said your time as a Kromagg prisoner opened
	up your mind to...
Scully:  What's a Kromagg?
Mulder:  There a group of sliding ape-like creatures who...
Scully:  Sliding?
Mulder:  [points to Quinn, Rembrandt, Arturo, and Wade]  It's
	the process of traveling to parallel dimensions via
	a...
Scully:  I know them!  It's those cult members...  the
	spiders!
Arturo:  IT IS NOT A CULT, YOU BLISTERING IDIOT!!!
Donner:  Oh great, it's the reset button.  What is this? 
	Star Trek?
Jason:  Whatever works.

The timer beeps and Quinn activates the wormhole.

Quinn:  Well, it's time for us to go.  I guess I should say
	something memorable and horribly out of place so here
	it is:  "Trust no one... except Tony Robbins".

Quinn jumps in the wormhole

Wade:  Good-bye agents Mulder and Scully.  I sincerly hope
	that I never see either one of you again.
Mulder & Scully:  Ditto

Wade jumps in.

Rembrandt:  Here, let me give you something to remember me
	by.  [singing off key]  I GOT TEARS IN MY FRO, AND
	THEY'RE...
Mulder, Scully, Jason, Maggie, Colin, and Donner:  MAKE HIM
	STOP!!! MAKE HIM STOP!!!

Arturo throws Rembrandt (still singing) into the wormhole.

Arturo:  [to Jason]  I want your assurance that there will be
	no more 'Sliders Meet the X-Files' stories.
Jason:  I guarantee it.
Donner:  If he writes another, I'll kill him.
Maggie:  And then I'LL kill him.
Colin:  Can I kill him too?
Donner:  Sure.

Arturo jumps into the wormhole.  Mulder and Scully walk off
into the sunset as a meteor falls from the sky and
obliterates the church containing all of Mulder and Scully's
relatives.

Meanwhile, on a parallel earth...

Wade:  Well, now what do we do?

a pause...

Quinn:  You guys wanna see a dead body?

The theme to 'Stand By Me' begins to play as all of the Sliders
join hands and walk off into the sunset.

Back on Earth #69...

Jason: [to everyone that remains]  Well, what did you think?
Donner:  It was okay.
Colin:  Kinda anti-climactic.
Maggie:  It was a cantankerous collection of over-used puns
	and off beat humor that was, while mildly entertaining,
	an insult to the seasoned and intellectual mind set.

Everyone stares at Maggie.

Everyone:  What?
Maggie:  I thought it sucked.  Especially the ending.
Jason:  FINE!!!  You want a better ending, FINE!!!

Jason walks off camera and we hear the sound of a keyboard
being used.  After a few seconds, Jason re-enters.

Jason:  See what you think of THIS!!!

Jason pick up a bone and throws it into the air.  The camera 
follows the bone until...

...In earth orbit, we hear the theme to 2001: A SPACE ODESSEY
begin to play as the camera begins to slowly pan away from
the planet to reveal a star baby watching over the blue
planet.  As the music cresendos, we see that the star baby
is, in fact, Mulder.

Suddenly, the film breaks and the camera moves back to reveal
two people sitting in a movie theater.  It is Gene Siskle and
Roger Ebert.

Siskle:  Well, I thought it was mildly entertaining...  but a
	lot of the movie just didn't make any sense.  Like,
	what was that Super Dave Osborne thing about?
Ebert:  Well, Gene, I...

Marita Covarrubias runs through the theater screaming.

Ebert:  That's it.  We quit.

Siskle and Ebert walk away as the closing credits begin to
roll.

Written by : Jason Donner
Produced by : Jason Donner
Directed by : Jason Donner
Musical Score by : Jason Donner
Special Thanks to : Jason Donner

And now, the part you've all been waiting for...

THE END