STAR SPECK

WHO THE HECK IS ADONAIS?

by Stanley Dunigan

   Captain James T. Smirk took a good long time to read the report that the latest sexy guest star had handed him. Or, at least, that was the appearance he was trying to create for the others on the bridge. He was hoping none of them would notice that he spent most of this time glancing surreptitiously at the sexy guest star's bod.

   Of course, no one had noticed, since they were all doing the exact same thing. Even Spook had turned away from his precious library computer for a moment to ogle. The fact that Doctor McDecoy and Chief Engineer Scotch just happened to be on the bridge at the time (even though there were doubtless a dozen emergencies in their respective departments that urgently required their immediate attention) also spoke in favor of the guest star's attractiveness.

   "Well, Lieutenant," Smirk said at last, after having spent an average of two minutes per word on the report, "I think your report on...uh, whatever it is that you're reporting on...is quite exceptional."

   "Very quite exceptional," piped up McDecoy.

   "Very very quite exceptional," Scotch put in eagerly.

   "Thank you," the target of all male eyes responded demurely. "I stayed up all night writing it. It's a whole half a page, and I've never done anything like that before."

   "Oh, you poor thing! You must be exhausted," McDecoy said. "Maybe you should come lie down on one of my beds in sickbay and get some rest."

   "No, no," protested Scotchy. "What she needs is a nice hot cup of coffee to wake her up. How about joining me in one, Carolin'?"

   "Well, thank you," she said, "but I don't think there's room enough in there for both of us."

   Laughing uproariously, as if that were the funniest joke he had ever heard, Scotch escorted the lady to the zoomtube.

   "Grrrrrrrr!" said McDecoy after they were gone.

   "What's the matter, Groans?" asked Smirk. "Scotchy's a good man."

   "Scotchy's a good engineer," McDecoy snapped back. "A woman like that needs a real man, one that can love her, and take care of her in her old age, and..."

   "And bandage her cuts, and heal her sicknesses by waving his squirt bottles and salt shakers around," Spook finished for him.

   "You stay out of this, you pointy-eared Bulkan!" snapped McDecoy. "What would you know of such things? Why, you haven't got a single streak of good old-fashioned lust in that skinny bag of bones you call a body."

   "I suggest you read the script for episode 34 before you make any further such accusations," Spook replied coldly, turning back to his console.

   "Goldurnit, Jim," growled McDecoy angrily. "One of these days I'm gonna amputate that fella's ears and shove 'em down his throat."

   "Yes, well, I would appreciate it if you would wait until our show is cancelled before you do that. Until then, he'll need those ears to hear my orders. Speaking of which, Mr. Spook, what do your instruments read on the planet below us?"

   After consulting his list of planetary description cliches, Spook said, "Poleax IV.V is Class M&M. Atmosphere: oxygen-nitrogen. Approximate age: four billion years. Sensors read: no intelligent life forms. I judge: no reason for inclusion in this episode. In all respects, quite ordinary, Captain."

   "Uh, oh," said Smirk.

   "'Uh, oh' is right," said McDecoy. "How many 'quite ordinary' planets have we encountered so far that have nearly killed us all?"

   "I'm afraid even I cannot calculate that, sir," said Spook.

   "Sound red alert!" yelled Smirk. "Drulu, arm phasers and torpedoes. I want to be ready for whatever it is that's out there."

   "Sir!" said Spook, looking up from his look-see device hastily. "There's something on camera two!"

   "Put it on screen," replied the captain.

   "Screen on," said Spook unnecessarily as he flipped a bank of red switches.

   "What in the heck is that?" asked Smirk, getting out of his chair and pointing at a fuzzy green blob on the screen.

   "It looks like a...a giant hand," stuttered Drulu, after the blob had come into focus.

   "Maybe someone wants to play handball," guessed Smirk.

   "No sir," replied Spook after staring into his Viewmaster. "It is not living tissue, nor is it a hand, and it isn't what it appears to be, either."

   "A hallucination, then? Perhaps a giant foot in disguise?"

   "Nope. It's a field of energy."

   "Three hundred and sixty degrees about!" ordered Smirk. The Ennui spun in place and ended up facing the hand again. By now, it had almost reached the ship.

   "It looks as if it means to grab us," whispered Boohoora from her communications station. She...she was frightened.

   "Well, Lieutenant," said Smirk sarcastically, "you've just earned your pay for the week."

   "Great," Boohoora mumbled, turning back to her station. "I think I'll save up and buy a new writer for this show."

   "Hard about!" Smirk ordered, giving up on calculating how many degrees that would be. "Course: backwards." Drulu quickly punched his controls, and the ship performed a sharp turn.

   A moment later, the entire bridge crew flew across the room as the hand reached between the engine nacelles and locked tightly onto the ship's flying saucer section. After Smirk had peeled himself off of Scotchy's engineering console, he made his way to the helm.

   "What happened, Mr. Drulu? I thought I told you to get us out of here."

   "No, sir, you didn't," replied the puzzled helmsman. "You just said to turn the ship around. You didn't say anything about going anywhere."

   After counting to ten (twice), Smirk turned to Spook. "Readout! What is that thing that has ahold of us?"

   "I already told you. It's a field of energy, not living tissue."

   "Whatever it is, it has my ship!" Smirk stormed. "And I want to know who's responsible!"

   "May I suggest we try getting away first?" asked a badly-bruised McDecoy. "You never know when it might decide to start squeezing a little too hard."

   "Throw her in reverse, Mr. Drulu," Smirk ordered, returning to his captain's chair. "Oh, and do start up the engine this time."

   "Aye, sir," replied Drulu, reaching down and turning the ignition switch. "Engines on. Full reverse thrust."

   "Nothing's happening," was Smirk's astute observation.

   "I'm trying, sir," Drulu wailed. "But it's got us too tight!"

   At this point, Mr. Scotch rushed in from the zoomtube and took over the engineering console. Smirk didn't have time to wonder how Scotch had gotten a black eye and coffee all over the front of his uniform.

   "Boohoora, send a message to Starbeat Command advising them of our situation. Make it overnight delivery. I'll pay the charges." Turning back to the front, he said, "Let's try to rock the ship; see if we can shake ourselves loose." But even with everyone jerking violently left and right in their seats, the mysterious hand easily maintained its grip on the captured starship.

   "Adjust forward tractor beams to repel," was Smirk's next idea. "Activate."

   Drulu carried out these brilliant orders to the same effect as all the others. He thought about pointing out that since the hand had grabbed them from behind, there was nothing in front of them to push against. After glancing at Smirk's crimson face and heaving chest, he decided to keep his mouth shut.

   "I want -" Smirk started to yell, but no one ever found out what Smirk wanted (though some guessed it was a job on a safer TV series) due to Spook's frantic interruption.

   "Sir! There's another blob forming out there in front of us!"

   "Put it on screen!" snapped Smirk. As the screen wavered, shimmered, and slowly came into focus on the new object, he could see that this one was pink. "Maybe they're not related," he hoped silently.

   All such hopes were dashed to pieces when the blob solidified into a giant head. The face stared at them smugly for a moment, and then the mouth started moving.

   "Sir," said Boohoora, "I'm picking up some incidental music on one of my radio channels, and also a voice, I think."

   "Well, put it on the speakers before we miss the entire message," Smirk said testily.

   The bridge's squawkbox crackled to life. "The eons have passed, civilizations have risen and fallen, great TV shows have premiered and been canceled, and what was written has finally come about." The voice echoed all around the bridge, and "Oh Great Marvel of the Universe" music played in the background. Smirk was annoyed to find that this bodiless jerk had far more dramatic power than he did.

   "Boohoora, open a response frequency," he ordered.

   The voice continued. "You have left your plains and valleys, your megamalls and superstores, your television sets and personal computers, and you have made the great journey. You are welcome, my children."

   "Frequency open," said Boohoora.

   "This is Captain James T. Smirk of the USS Ennui," Smirk said to the screen. "Who the heck are you?"

   Ignoring the question, the head said, "We shall drink the Sacramento wine. We shall herd sheep and milk cows with our bare hands. We shall run around buck naked, and gather leaves and twigs to construct simple homes. Verily, we shall make total fools of ourselves."

   "Look, I don't know who you are," Smirk said, starting to smoke at the edges. "But if you're the goon responsible for stopping my ship -"

   "Yes, I caused the gas to drain from your gas tank," said the head haughtily.

   "Put it back. Then we'll talk." Smirk was sure he had the head on that one, but it just laughed and said, "You have the old fire. How's this sound? Agamemnon...Achilles...Hector...Batman... Are you impressed yet?"

   "You bet I am!" Smirk nearly screamed. "With your gross stupidity! Did you really think you could just grab a Conglomeration starship in the performance of its duty, and sit...uh, float out there spouting off ridiculi like some old Greek geek? We have the power to defend ourselves, and if you don't shut up and let go of us right now, we will do so!"

   "You will obey me, lest I close my hand, and put an end to your pathetic show right here and now!"

   Immediately following this angry pronouncement, Smirk heard a sound like an air tank releasing compressed air. Turning to his right, he saw that Spook was hyperventilating. Before he could tell his first officer to get control of himself, Boohoora screamed, twisted around, and fell onto the floor.

   "Captain!" gasped Scotchy from his console. "The pressure...it's too much to bear. The pressure, Captain. The pressure!"

   "Compensate," Smirk snapped.

   Scotch tried wedging himself between the floor and the ceiling, but got woozy and fell over like everyone else.

   "All right, all right!" Smirk managed to gasp from the floor. "You win. Stop the hand-closing."

   "I knew you'd come around to my way of thinking," the "man" said smugly. "They always do. That was your first lesson on How To Kiss Up To Me. I suggest you remember it. For now, why don't you come on down with some of your people, and we'll have a getting-to-know-you-and-worship-me party."

   Smirk was unable to do anything except nod weakly.

   "Oh, but don't bring that dork with the pointed ears. He reminds me of a pancake. I've always hated pancakes, especially with green gravy."

   Smirk stared open-mouthed at the screen. "What kind of a lunatic is this, anyway?" he wondered nervously.

   The lunatic, who fortunately didn't seem to be able to read minds, said, "Hurry up, now. The fruit salad's drawing flies. Be sure to come with a hearty appetite." With this, the disembodied head disappeared from the viewscreen.

   "Well, Groans, are you ready to stuff yourself?" Smirk asked the nearby doctor with forced cheerfulness.

   "Whoa, now there, Jimbo," McDecoy drawled in alarm. "Yoah not suggestin' that Ah beam down to that madman's planet, are y'all? You doan know what he's lahkly t' do."

   "I know what he's 'lahkly' to do if we don't go," growled Smirk. Turning to his green, pointy-eared first officer, he said, "Spook?"

   "He was rather rude, Captain," the Bulkan said in an offended tone. "I wouldn't want to go to his dumb old party, anyway."

   "Insulted, Spook?" Smirk inquired innocently.

   "Really, Captain. You forget that I am a Bulkan. I cannot be insulted, and to even suggest that I can is an insult, and I will not tolerate it!"

   "Easy, easy, Spook," Smirk soothed. "Besides, I need your vast Bulkan mind up here running the ship and trying to find a way out of this 'field of energy' while Groans, Scotchy, Checkup, Lt. Palmolive, and I are down on the surface getting ourselves zapped around by this dismembered dip. You think you're up to it?"

   "Of course, Captain," said Spook, immediately making his way to the command chair and sitting down in it. He struck up an ominous pose, and started barking orders to the man who had replaced him at the science station.

   "Doesn't care anything for being in command, indeed," muttered Smirk as he herded McDecoy, Checkup, and Scotch into the zoomtube.

   After the landing party materialized, they saw they were standing among olive trees next to a large section of concrete and marble. There was a stone picnic table full of food in the middle, and various ornamentation and nude statuary along the sides. ("Oooh! An original Shawanga!" Smirk marvelled, eyeing a statue of a cherub peeing into a birdbath.)

   The focal point of the scene was a large raised throne, which was up several steps on a platform. It was shaded by what looked to be a miniature of an ancient Greek temple. As they moved forward, Smirk noticed that a man was sitting on the throne, and had an old paste harp on the floor next to him.

   At second glance, Smirk questioned his assumption that this being was really a man. The head, which was identical to the giant one they had encountered in space, was certainly that of a human male's, and the body wasn't bad (much to Smirk's chagrin), but the jerk was wearing a dress with a very short skirt, and had some silly leaf jewelry on his head. Smirk supposed this was meant to pass for a crown.

   As they walked toward their ominous captor, Lt. Carolin' Palmolive turned to Dr. McDecoy and said, "What am I doing here, Doctor?"

   "Well, shucks, now, ain't it obvious?" asked McDecoy. "You're the DLI for this crazy dude."

   "DLI?"

   "Designated Love Interest. The captain figures that since this heah fellah's the most attractive man in this episode by far, he's sure to be susceptible to the most attractive woman in the episode by far."

   "He is not the most attractive man by far!" growled Smirk, who had overheard the conversation, being only two feet in front of it. "He's simply the villain, and I decided to bring her along to keep him occupied while we figure out how to trash him."

   Since they were nearly in front of the temple by now, McDecoy and Palmolive didn't dare give any sort of reply, afraid that the strangely dressed lunatic might overhear it.

   The lunatic stood up and descended the steps slowly and pompously. "Hi, guys. What kept you?"

   Smirk made several subtle gestures to McDecoy, which the doctor eventually managed to interpret as an order to get some medical tricorder readings of the alien. He pulled the thing out and pointed it carelessly at his victim, the machine working with its usual silly mosquito-like whine.

   "Ah, it's so good to see you again, my children," the being said. "I'm sure we'll get along real well here together."

   "'Children,' indeed!" said Smirk. "What do you mean by that, Daddy-o?"

   "Why, aren't you from the planet Earth?" the Greek loony asked.

   "Yes, we are. And just what would you know of Earth, way out here on this uninhabited planet?"

   "Once I stretched out my hand, and accidentally burned it on an ill-placed torch. That was on Earth. I breathed upon the ground, and it trembled from my monster bad breath. That was on Earth, too."

   "You mentioned Agamemnon and Hector," said Smirk. "And my hero Batman. How do you know of those guys?"

   "Search your most distant memories. Those of the thousands of years past, and I just might be in there somewhere. Your fathers knew me, and your father's dogs."

   "Well, I don't know about anyone else here," sneered Smirk, "but I'm not thousands of years old, nor was my father or his dog. Why can't you just tell us who in the heck you are?"

   "Me Appallo!" boomed the man, roaring and thumping his chest.

   "Well, you've certainly appalled us," said Scotchy, who had noticed the man's covert winks at Lt. Palmolive.

   "I mean I am the god Appallo!" the creature shouted. "The one from the ancient Greek legends and movies. You will bow down and worship me!"

   "Yeah, right, bub, and my accent is an authentic Russian one," Checkup sneered in reply.

   "Mr. Checkup!" snapped Smirk.

   "Oh, um, sorry, sir," replied the humbled Russian imitation. "It's just that I've never met a god before."

   "And you haven't yet, Mr. Checkup. There are no such things. All gods are just myths and mythters."

   The entire set immediately started rumbling and shaking, and props fell over all around them. Lt. Palmolive screamed and ran for cover. Even Appallo looked frightened.

   Suddenly realizing his mistake, Smirk fell down upon his knees, leaned his head back, thrust his arms toward the sky, and loudly proclaimed, "Gene is God. Oh, yes. Gene is God!" After everyone else had done likewise (including the resident "god") the tremors stopped, and everything was set upright again.

   "You...you!" Appallo gasped in fury. "How dare you speak such blasphemy in my presence? I'll teach you!" He pointed at Smirk in a threatening way.

   "You'll teach me?" jeered Smirk. "Ha! Why, you couldn't even teach him!" He grabbed Scotchy and shoved him between him and the angry god.

   "Oh, no?" Appallo pointed the finger at Scotchy and shot a giant bolt of electricity into him. The poor Scotchman was thrown back against Smirk, and both fell heavily to the ground.

   "And now, for you!" Appallo yelled at Smirk as he was picking himself up off the ground. Everyone gasped as Appallo grew until he was nearly twenty feet tall. "Welcome to the Olympics, Captain Smirk. Next event: idiot stomping." He raised one gigantic foot and prepared to smash the tiny human with it.

   All of a sudden, he started panting and puffing like a man who's just run the four-minute mile in three minutes. "Oh, God, am I tired!" he wheezed. His foot fell several inches short of Smirk, and he slowly faded away.

   "Now what do you suppose happened to him?" asked McDecoy.

   "I don't know, Groans, but you'd better see to Mr. Scotch. He took quite a blow there." Smirk ignored the accusatory glare McDecoy gave him as he leaned down to examine Scotch.

   Smirk turned to Lt. Palmolive, who was still staring open-mouthed at the spot where Appallo had been. "Lieutenant!"

   She snapped back to the present at the sound of his voice. "Oh, yes sir, I agree completely. He is truly magnificent!"

   "That is not what I was going to say! I want to know what you know about the ancient legends pertaining to Appallo. Maybe they'll have something in them which can help us."

   "Only that he was the handsomest man in the whole world," she said dreamily.

   Realizing he would get nothing useful out of her, Smirk turned to McDecoy. "Well, Groans, how is Mr. Scotch?"

   "He'll live," the doctor grumbled, "but if he's forced to play lightning rod again, I won't say much for his chances."

   "What about Appallo? What were your readings on him?"

   "Well, Jimbo, I really hate to disappoint the young lady heah, but he registers as totally human. Except for that giant power transfer conduit implanted in his right index finger, that is."

   "How did he do that thing with the giant hand and head, then? And how about his imitation of a skyscraper?"

   "Well, some people, especially young people, experience sudden large growth spurts. As for the rest, that's more Scotchy's area than mine."

   "Young people? This jerk is over 5,000 years old! And he certainly commands great power. I have a theory -"

   "Enough of your half-baked theories, Captain," McDecoy snapped irritably. "I have a man here recovering from a severe shock to the nerves. I need to get him up to sickbay to make sure there's no permanent damage. Now don't you think you should be concentratin' on gettin' us outta here?"

   Smirk grudgingly pulled out his communicator and flipped it open. After twirling a small knob at random, he said, "Smirk to Ennui. Come in, Ennui."

   "Your devices will no longer function, Captain," came an amplified voice from the temple. Smirk whirled to see Appallo back on his marble throne.

   Waving his communicator over his head, he stormed over to the bottom of the steps and demanded, "What have you done to my communicator?"

   "You will stay here and live simple and peaceful lives. You will be very happy, I promise you. All you have to do is wear animal skins, eat lots of fruit, and fall upon your face in sheer adoration whenever I come near."

   "Forget it, mister! You're not the first would-be alien conqueror to try to impress us with a bag of tricks. We're not scared of you, so nyah, nyah, nyah!"

   "Agamemnon was one such as you. And Hercules and Xena. They too mocked me, and made fun of my clothes, until they felt my wrath!"

   "We're capable of some wrath ourselves," replied Scotchy angrily, barely managing to stand on his own two feet. "As you shall shortly see!" He fumbled his phaser out of its notch on his belt and pointed it at Appallo.

   The self-proclaimed god merely pointed his finger at the spacegun and knocked it across the set. "Ow!" protested Scotch.

   "Keptin!" yelled Checkup. "My phaser melted on my belt, not in my hands!"

   "I have destroyed all of your little toys now," ranted Appallo. "And if you don't immediately pledge allegiance to me, I shall do the same to you."

   Smirk displayed his middle fingers. "I pledge allegiance, to the fag -"

   Just as an enraged Appallo was about to incinerate him, Lt. Palmolive ran in between them. "Stop!" she screamed. "A good father does not harm his children. A true god does not throw his power around carelessly and make needless threats. You're supposed to be the god of music, and poetry, and medicine. What's the matter with you?"

   "Yeah, do you think you're Zeus, or something?" Smirk yelled, shaking his fist.

   Paying no attention to Smirk, Appallo stared open-mouthed at the woman standing in front of him. "What is your name?" he managed at last.

   "Lieutenant Palmolive," she said, blushing and averting her eyes.

   "I mean your first name, my love," the presumptive god clarified.

   "Carolin'."

   "Ah, how very beautiful. But your attire leaves something to be desire." After this terrible rhyme ("God of poetry, indeed!" grumbled Smirk), Appallo waved his arm, causing Palmolive's Starbeat uniform to be replaced by a skimpy pink gown.

   "Oh!" she breathed in ecstasy. "It's beautiful!"

   "As are you, honeydew," said the mad god as he took her arm and led her offstage.

   "She's not going with you!" screamed Scotchy, leaping at Appallo from the top of the table with one of the smaller obscene statues in one hand. Appallo made a bored gesture at Scotch, and he went flying backwards over the table to crash into a marble pillar.

   As they reached the beginning of the forest, Appallo and Carolin' faded out. Scotchy tried to get up to rant and rave, but McDecoy pushed him back down. "Now you just hold still theah, Mr. Scotch," he said. "You've taken two major lightning bolts in the past ten minutes. That's way above the recommended daily allowance, y'know."

   "Mr. Scotch!" Smirk said in a disciplinary tone. "That was your third unauthorized attack on Appallo today! I will not stand for it!"

   "Well, siddown then," Scotch groaned. "We can't let that jerk have her. You never know what he might do. Why, if she accidentally offends him or something, he might kill her!"

   "She volunteered to go with him so she could study him," Smirk lied. "She's doing her job, Mr. Scotch. It's about time you started doing yours!"

   "I quit," moaned Scotch wearily.

   "You can't quit; you're fired!" Smirk was about to say, but decided not to. After all, fighting among themselves was probably just what ol' Handsome wanted them to do.

   "Look, we need to know where he's getting all his power from," said McDecoy. "According to my instruments, he's totally human except for his power channelers. He must have a separate power source, and it must be somewhere nearby."

   "I theenk my tricorder is steel vorking, Keptin," said Checkup, who had calmed down enough to start using his accent full force again.

   "Good," replied Smirk. "Use it to scan around the place. Look carefully in each nook and cranny. The source may be located in a statue, a bowl of fruit, anything. Oh, except that large structure over there that his throne is in. I'm sure that simply couldn't be it."

   Meanwhile, Appallo and Carolin' were taking a nice leisurely stroll through a nearby park. "It's beautiful," she breathed.

   "I have 'known' other women," Appallo bragged. "Many women. But none so lovely as you. Whaddaya thinka that, Toots? That's real flattery, ain't it?"

   "I don't know. I've never been flattered by a...uh..."

   "God?"

   "No, a monumental fake before."

   "What?!" Appallo yelled.

   "I mean, you can't hardly be a real god, can you? You're just one of those Advanced Anonymous Aliens who go around frightening primitive worlds, aren't you?"

   Appallo fumed for a few minutes, but eventually smiled at her again. "Of course, my love. You are too smart for me. I happen to be one of the great Ohmygodhros from the planet Goodgollygosh. My spaceship crash-landed on Earth five thousand years ago. I found the inhabitants to be primitive and inferior, and decided to take advantage of the situation."

   "And all the other gods?"

   "When I found out what a ripe situation I had stumbled upon, I called all my friends back home and told them about it. They came in droves, and set themselves up as various Greek and Roman deities. We all had a really great time."

   "So what went wrong? Why are you here now, and where are all the others?"

   "The people of Earth were starting to outgrow us. Why, can you believe there was one guy who was taller than me? My compatriots saw that our day was coming to an end, so they left on the Wagon Train to the Stars."

   "You mean they died?"

   "No, I mean they moved on to do science fiction shows. I got this show, my sister Artemis is signed up for Lost in Space, and Zeus is scheduled to throw his lightning bolts on the Doctor Who show. Of course, those other contracts depend entirely on the success and popularity of this episode."

   "Then they're doomed!" Carolin' gasped.

   "I'm afraid so," said Appallo sadly.

   Back on the Ennui, the search for the giant hand's power source wasn't going very well.

   "We've just finished scanning twelve more of the trees," Drulu reported to Spook. "Only 10,000,000 more to go." Lieutenant Gyle, who was playing tunes on the strange machine tied in to Drulu's console, frowned in helpless frustration.

   "What about the search for the captain and the others?" Spook asked.

   "We've carefully scanned each section of the planet for their presence, but we can't find them anywhere."

   "Well then, Mr. Drulu, I suggest you search for where they are not. Because if you can find all of the places where they are not, you can then, using the process of elimination, decide exactly where they are."

   "Uh, right, sir," said Drulu, giving Spook a wary look before turning back to his console. This would be a really lousy time for the Bulkan to flip out again.

   "I'm baaaaack," the voice of Appallo said, startling Smirk and Checkup out of their concentration. "I know what you naughty boys are up to, and I simply refuse to allow it."

   "And chust how are you goingk to stop us?" asked Checkup. "By shooting more electricity eento our bodies?"

   "If necessary," replied Appallo.

   Smirk could stand no more. He rose to his feet and screamed, "Some god you are! You wanted worshipers -" Appallo raised his trusty finger. "You got 'em," Smirk amended hastily, getting down on his knees. "How's this?"

   "That'll do for starters," Appallo said. "But I want an end to this silly search for my power source. I am a god. I am power. The source is the vast energy of my mind. So now I guess your search is over."

   "Yeah, sure, whatever you say," said Smirk, trying to mollify the guy. He had just thought up a sneaky and dangerous plan, but he needed to have time to tell the others about it.

   "You've really wised up," Appallo said appreciatively. "I wish I could say the same for that Palmolive woman."

   "Wh-what have ya done ta her?" Scotchy asked in an anguished voice from the spot on the ground where McDecoy had confined him.

   "I haven't done anything to her," replied Appallo testily. "That's the problem. The woman is beautiful, but a real cold fish. I had forgotten how they like to lead a man on, and then freeze him out. How do you Earthmen stand it?"

   "Oh, we have our ways of breaking through the ice," Smirk said suggestively.

   "Really?" asked the panting pagan. "Do you think that if you talked to her, you could put in a good word for me? Maybe convince her that I'm really the god for her after all?"

   "Oh, sure, sure," Smirk confidently assured him. "Just send her back here and go off and walk in the woods or play your harp or something. I'll take care of everything."

   "I can see that you're going to go far in my kingdom," said Appallo, right before vanishing.

   "Captain!" protested Scotch. "Ye're not really goin' to talk Carolin' into givin' in to that madman, are you?"

   "Of course not!" said Smirk. "But I wanted to get the entire landing party back together so we could discuss a brilliant plan of mine without Appallo overhearing us."

   "Does thees breelyunt plan inwolve any of us getting zapped into a small pile of ash, Keptin?" asked Checkup warily.

   "Of course not," Smirk lied. "It's totally danger-free. Now, about those tricorder readings of yours that we were discussing. It's utterly ridiculous to believe that the power source could actually be housed in the temple structure. Why can't you see how idiotic that is?"

   "Vhy is it eedeeotic, sair?"

   "Because that's the only place that it logically could be," argued Smirk. "It's too obvious. So that couldn't possibly be it, see?"

   "Vell, Keptin, I don't know. I'm sure that the power readings I'm getting emanate from there."

   "How sure are you?"

   "I'm really, wery, absolutely, totally, positively, beyond all doubt, completely..."

   "Not the whole thesaurus, Checkup," interrupted McDecoy testily.

   "The Keptin requires complete information," replied Checkup unapologetically.

   "Spook's contaminating this new kid, Jim."

   "Yes, yes. But if the readings are correct, what can we do about it?"

   "Vell, ve could call the Ennui and have them phaser the place up a bit," Checkup suggested.

   "Yeah, and us with it," snapped McDecoy. "That 'god' ain't gonna let us outta his sight. There's no way we could reach a safe distance with him keepin' us here. I'm a doctor, not a target dummy."

   "Shhhh!" whispered Smirk. Carolin' had just faded in at the forest entrance. She walked over to where the men were clustered.

   "Hello," she said in her dreamy voice. "Appallo said you had something to tell me."

   "Why, yes," said Smirk smoothly. "Come right over here to this stone bench and sit down. We have something important to discuss." He led her over to the other side of the clearing and sat down with her.

   "Appallo told me to tell you that he's really just a no-good dirty rat who isn't worthy of you. He couldn't bring himself to tell you, so he asked me to."

   "No!" Palmolive shrieked. "You're lying!"

   "No, Carolin', it's all true," said Smirk, putting his arm around her and taking her hand in his. "Feel this." He gave her a passionate kiss. She tried to get away from him, but he was too strong. "You belong with me, Carolin'; with the Ennui; with the human race. Not with some you-see-him-in-only-one-episode character."

   "But...but I'm a one-episode character, too," she said.

   "Well, then, you shouldn't waste any of your time with him. You should be with me every moment that you have left."

   "No!" she screamed, managing to extract herself from his grip. "You're just a...a mail Chevronist pig!" She ran back into the forest.

   "Well, that went quite well, I think," said Smirk satisfiedly.

   "And chust vhat vas thet supposed to accomplish, Keptin?" asked Checkup, who had been eavesdropping from behind a nearby statue.

   "When she tells Appallo what I said and did to her, he will be really angry. He'll come back here to kill us all."

   "Aieee!" screamed Checkup. "You've brought doom upon us all!" He ran around in a panic until he tripped over the small statue Scotchy had dropped earlier.

   "I know I'm just a simple country doctor, and was only recently added to the list of stars at the beginning of the show," said McDecoy, "but it seems to me that what you did there was jest a mite foolish."

   "Yes, Captain," said Scotchy, who had just woken up from a refreshing nap. "I dinna ken it."

   "Shut up about your dinner kin and listen," growled Smirk. "I know what I'm doing. You remember when Appallo grew up and tried to stomp me flat?"

   "Aye, sir," said Scotchy. "I remember that was just after my first 'unauthorized attack' on him."

   "Yes, well, never mind that," said Smirk dismissively. "I was referring to the fact that he got really tired all of a sudden. I think he can only draw a small amount of power at a time, and must then rest. Besides, he's expending a lot of juice to keep that lousy green hand on the Ennui. My plan is simple: we overtax him."

   "I'm a doctor, not an IRS agent," interrupted McDecoy.

   Ignoring him, Smirk continued. "First, we get his attention and make him really angry. I believe I've already gotten a good start on that one. When he returns, we'll aggravate him further. Hopefully, he'll become so distracted that he'll release his grip on the Ennui, and they can phaser his power source. End of dumb story. What do you think?"

   Smirk glanced around for approval, and suddenly noticed that he was alone on the concrete. After searching around for a few minutes, he found Checkup hiding under a bench, McDecoy digging himself a hole in the dirt to stick his head into, and Scotchy trying to bash through the force field Appallo had set up around the clearing.

   "Oh, come on, you cowards," pleaded Smirk. "You needn't worry. I'm sure we can pull this off with only one or two fatalities. Don't forget that the lives of everyone on the Ennui depend on us."

   After a great deal of coaxing, cajoling, and outright threatening, Smirk managed to get the three officers to agree to help him when Appallo returned.

   When Carolin' returned to the park, Appallo could tell she was upset about something. He wondered briefly if Smirk had betrayed him.

   "What is wrong, my little buttercup?" he asked, taking her into his arms.

   "Oh, boo-hoo-hoo!" she sobbed. "He's right! I hate him, but I know he's right!"

   "Who's right?" asked the dense ancient.

   "C-C-Captain Smirk," she wailed in despair.

   "What? What did he say to you, Carolin'?"

   "He said you were a no-good dirty rat, and that I shouldn't waste myself on you."

   "AAAARRRRGGGHHH!" Appallo screamed, conjuring up a vast thunderstorm with the power of his anger. "I will destroy him!"

   Looking back down at Carolin', he said, "You love me. You know you do."

   "No," she sobbed. "I can't. I know that now. I can never love you. It just isn't possible." She broke away from him and starting running away.

   "You are my mate!" shouted Appallo. "You carry my child!"

   "No, I don't," she shouted over her shoulder. "That was cut from the script, remember? Now just go away and leave me alone!"

   He thrust his arms up to the heavens, and gave his full concentration to the storm he was conjuring. He didn't even notice when his giant green hand started to dissipate.

   Back at Appallo's pitiful excuse for Olympus, the Ennui crew heard a woman scream.

   "That's Carolin'!" Scotchy gasped in dismay. "We've got ta help her!"

   Before Smirk had a chance to sneer at Scotchy's latest display of sappy gallantry, Appallo reappeared on the temple platform, and he was mad!

   "Smirk!" he screamed at the top of his amplified lungs.

   "That's my name," smirked Smirk. "Don't wear it outdoors."

   "I shall kill you!" yelled the raving lunatic. "I shall destroy you, and your children, and your children's children!"

   "Sorry to disappoint you," replied Smirk calmly, "but I'm not even married yet, and this episode's about five minutes away from being over. You'll have to think of something else."

   "I'll...kill..." Appallo was so infuriated, he was gasping for breath.

   "Okay, go!" Smirk said in a loud stage whisper to his three colleagues. They immediately (if a bit nervously) fanned out in a semicircle around the mad god and started laughing and yelling unintelligible insults.

   This was more than the self-styled god of poetry and music could handle. He screamed with insane fury and charged Smirk bodily. Smirk easily stepped aside, and Appallo crashed headfirst into the stone table.

   "Oh!" gasped Carolin', who had just made it back from the park that Appallo had left her in. She was none the better for having been chased all the way back by the guy's giant head gimmick.

   When Appallo fell senseless to the ground, she rushed over to his side and demanded that Dr. McDecoy do something. The doctor replied that he already had, and that his prescription had had marvelous results.

   Smirk was about to remind the medical egomaniac that it had been his plan, but was startled into silence by the sound of a communicator beeping. "What's that noise?" he asked, momentarily puzzled.

   "Vhat noise?" replied Checkup, automatically assuming they were going to play another game of "What communicator beeping? I don't hear any communicator beeping."

   "Not now, Mr. Checkup," said Smirk impatiently, whipping out his trusty communicator. Still half-believing he was imagining things, he flipped it open.

   "Dr. Smirkingston, I presume?" said a cold, humorless voice from the other end.

   "Spook!" exclaimed Smirk. "What happened? How come our communicators work now, but not before?"

   "For some unknown reason, Captain, the giant field of energy which had surrounded our ship is now gone. Its absence has allowed us to do a great many wonderful things, such as locating you, communicating with you, and finding that being's power source."

   "Wonderful, Spook! Where is it?"

   "Is there a large structure in your vicinity, Captain?"

   "Indeedy they is," said Smirk. "I'm standing right next to it."

   "Good," Spook said. "Fire all phasers!" This last was doubtlessly an order to Mr. Drulu.

   "Wait!" screeched Smirk, stumbling backward and nearly falling over Appallo's inert form. "We're too close!"

   "Ennui out," the communicator said before reverting to a dial tone.

   Smirk and the rest of the landing party made a frantic dash for some large rocks that had conveniently appeared nearby, but they needn't have rushed. When the Ennui's phaser banks hit the temple, all they did was cause a small strip of the roof to glow a dull red.

   "What in the heck d'yall think's wrong with the phasers?" asked McDecoy with mild irritation.

   "Appallo's probably generating a counterforce of some sort," guessed Checkup.

   Sure enough, the godawful god was back on his feet, shouting and throwing thunderbolts at the Ennui. "No! No! No!" he shrieked wildly. "I still have forty more payments on that thing!"

   Slowly, the phasers started to melt the temple into a small pile of slag. Appallo slumped and was forced to sit down on a nearby bench as the last of his power source shimmered yellow and disappeared.

   "It would have been real great, guys," he whined.

   "Waaaah!" cried Carolin'.

   "We outgrew you," said Smirk mercilessly. "You asked us for what we could no longer give."

   "Boo, hoo!" sobbed Carolin'.

   Suddenly, Appallo was twenty feet tall again. "Now how in the heck did he do that?" muttered McDecoy.

   Appallo spread his arms wide and looked up into the heavens. "Zeus, Hera," he moaned. "You were right. Athena. You were right. These guys are just a bunch of jerks. Get me out of here!"

   He slowly faded away, his last sentence echoing repeatedly for several minutes. Then there was only the sound of a woman crying.

   "Carolin'," soothed Scotchy. "It's all right. He's gone. What's all this cryin' about?"

   "You trashed him before he could return my uniform," sobbed the distraught woman. "And now I'll have to forfeit my deposit. Waaaaaah!"

   While Scotchy was getting his romantic hopes back up, Smirk was standing and staring off into space with a laughable expression of deep thought on his face.

   "I wonder," he said at last, "if it would have hurt us real bad to have gathered just a few laurel leaves."

   McDecoy was about to make a scathing retort, but then realized that this was more of Smirk's silly end-of-the-show philosophizing, and decided to keep quiet for once.

THE END