Author: Elizabeth Nunemaker
Title: 5-way
Summary: This fanfiction is rated PG-13 because of swearing
and some sexual inuendos. It contains about 5 different shows
(at least) and its a comedic spoof. I do not own any of these
characters.They belong to whoever does all the stuff on TV with
them. I'm just a dumbass 14 year old who was screwing around
one day. Don't sue me. I'm not making any money off of this. If
you have any comments, please email me at
XFMuldrLuvr@yahoo.com, or at L7NBETH@aol.com.
LIST OF CHARACTERS! (In order of how much i like em for each
show)
Voyager
Ensign Harry Kim- Really cute Asian guy.. ask moon. She likes
him too!
Lieutenant Tom Paris- Cutsey- prankster officionado of Voyager
Seven of Nine- The shows main bitch. Shes the one that all the
guys like.
Chief Engineer B'Ellanna Torres- Shes part Klingon. Besides
date Tom, I have no idea what she does...
Doctor- Um well he's a doctor.... oh and a hologram
Commander Chakotay- He's the commander. He's kinda cute, but he
ain't no Riker!
Neelix- He's the troll- cook guy....
Tuvok- Security officer.... and Vulcan
Captain Janeway- My dad calls her "Captain Dyke". I don't
really like her all that much cuz she's annoying and she
sucks
XFiles
Alex Krycek- Well I will say this..... Ratboy my ass! TIGERboy
is more like it.....
Agent Fox Mulder
Agent Dana Scully
AD Walter Skinner
Frohike
Byers
Langly
Farscape
Commander John Crichton- Fro, this is that cute guy.... he's
from now, and he's stuck on the other side of the universe
b/c he went thru a wormhole....
Officer Aeryn Sun- She kicks major ass! She was born a
Peacekeeper Officer so basically she's a military bitch
and she is THE coolest.... more of a heroine than Scully
[ducks]
Dominar Rygel XVI- OMG hes this cute little puppet guy and he
was supposed to be the king of Hyneria but his cousin
imprisoned him and took over the throne and now for some
reason he's on Moya with everyone else..... He's a riot
Pau Zotoh Zhaan- She's a priestess.... oh and she's blue
General Ka D'Argo- He's a warrior guy.... and he rules
Pilot- He's connected to Moya and he's big and dark purple and
he operates the ship. He communicates between the crew and
Moya
Chiana- She's the new bitch. I don't really like her all that
much. Oh and she's white like Zhaan is blue. If you have
ever seen Sliders.... this is the Maggie (uggh!) for
Farscape
Moya- She's the ship. Its a living ship that's kinda a host for
them and takes them places. Her species lives to serve
other species by being their host and well being their
ship. Moya is also pregnant.
James Bond
Special Agent #007 in Her Majesty's Secret Service, James
Bond- I mean Pierce Brosnan, not any of the others....
besides that....... ehh you know who it is
Frasier
Niles
Eddie
Frasier
Random People who help the plot and then vanish when they
aren't needed any more Warf
STORY CAN START NOW THAT I THOROUGHLY BORED YOU......
[onboard Moya]
Pilot: [on viewscreen] I don't want to alarm you, but we seem
to be approaching a strange ship of unknown origin. I have
never seen technology quite like this. The closest I have
seen to this is from Commander Crichton's ship, only this
is much more advanced.
[all but Chiana and Zhaan are in the galley. Aeryn and D'Argo
spring forward, ready to fight if the newcomers should prove to
be hostile. Rygel burps and continues to eat. John's features
suddenly become more animated, and his gorgeous blue eyes come
alive (hehe i rather like that last part, don't you?)]
John: Pilot! Can I see an image on the viewscreen?
[Voyager theme music plays as image of dark grey ship shaped
like a deformed mushroom appears onscreen]
John: Oh my GOD! That's the starship Voyager!
Everyone else (except Rygel who belches, farts, and rolls
over): Huh?
John: [excitedly] Back on Earth I used to fall asleep
watching Star Trek: Voyager all the time!
[Rygel tiptoes out of room unnoticed] (If you have never seen
the show, you cannot begin to picture the absurd way Rygel
tiptoes....)
Aeryn: Well, what are they? Hostile? Aliens? From New Jersey?
[John and D'Argo look at Aeryn and wonder how she knows about
New Jersey. Then John and Aeryn look at D'Argo wondering how he
knows that Aeryn shouldn't know about New Jersey]
John: [pulls author aside] Shouldn't you stick to some kind
of plot? Like follow the show's theme or something?
Author: Plot?!?! [shrugs]
[John smacks himself in the head and goes back over to Aeryn]
John: The crew of Voyager is nice, actually. Certain people
on board [cough] Neelix! [cough] are denser than others,
but they tend to use a policy of peace until they find out
if the group is warlike.
[D'Argo and Aeryn relax slightly]
Pilot: We are recieving a strange signal from the Voyager. It
seems that they wish to communicate through the
viewscreen.
John: Go ahead and let them, Pilot.
[viewscreen shows starship deck with lights turned low and
jazzy disco music plays. A dark, muscular man wearing leopard
print briefs runs across view, growling and laughing. A woman
giggles from somewhere behind the ops station]
Janeway: Come here you big hunk of lovey-man!
Chekotay: Whatever you say, Katherine.
John, Aeryn, and D'Argo: [cough, cough]
Janeway: Oh shit. I must have hit the transmitter button
again.
[Chekotay turns bright red from toes to forehead and dives into
corner out of view. Janeway crawls behind captain's chair and
pokes her head up over the back]
Janeway: I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hit the transmit-
DEAR GOD WHAT IS THAT???
John: What is what?
[in the meantime, Rygel has come back into the room flying in
his little chair. He is carrying a bottle of alcohol and is
slightly (well actually filthy-stinking) drunk. He is also
wearing one of Aeryn's tank tops, John's boots and NASA badge,
and Zhaan's blue-grey robe]
Janeway: That green-y thing behind you!
[John, Aeryn, and D'Argo turn around. Aeryn smirks, D'Argo
looks stern but his eyes are dancing, and John bursts out
laughing]
John: [still chuckling] THAT is Dominar Rygel XVI but I call
him Sparky...
Janeway: [relaxes a little] Anyway, who are you?
Aeryn: I'm Aeryn Sun. This [grins at John seductively] is
John Crichton. That [points to D'Argo but still looking at
John] is Ka D'Argo. You already know Rygel-
John: And we know that you are the starship Voyager's
captain, Janeway, and he [eyes sparkle mischievously] is
the somewhat abashed [under breath] and nude [normal tone]
Commander Chakotay.
Janeway: [face gets suspicious] How do you know that? [stands
up with hands on hips. Censor bars follow certain parts of
her anatomy across screen]
John: [averts eyes] Because on Earth in my time, you are
characters on a television show. [suddenly remembers
something] Anyway, you two are doing the nakie momba, so
where is Seven of Nine? [looks anywhere but at Aeryn's
eyes]
Aeryn: [looks jealous] Who is this Six of Ten person?
Janeway: Seven of Nine is our borg [cough] whatever-it-is-
she-does [cough]. And she's in engineering working on the
warp drive.
John: Ohhhh. Damn.
Aeryn: [glares at John] Well, anyway, captain, we ARE sorry
to have interrupted-
[siren goes off onboard Voyager, all jump slightly]
Janeway: [goes over to ops consule] DAMN! Intruders on Deck
9!
[Janeway and Chekotay hurriedly get dressed just before
Handsome- err... Ensign Kim walks in, followed by Tom Paris.
Aeryn sees Harry and her eyes dialate. Now it's John's turn to
be jealous]
Harry: Captain, what seems to be [sees Aeryn on screen] the
prob... who is THAT?
Janeway: That's Rygel, odd little monkey, isn't he?
Harry: That's a HE?
Janeway: [looks confused, then follows Harry's gaze] Ohhhhh
HER! [grins] That's Aeryn Sun.
Harry: [flashes Aeryn a big smile. Teeth sparkle and a little
ding noise is almost audible] Well, hello there!
Aeryn: Hummana- hummana- hummana...Uh hi! [gives him a cute
grin]
[John gets mad and storms out of the room]
Tom: [laughs] Well, Captain, what seems to be the problem?
Harry: [snaps out of it] Oh yeah, Captain, [echoes] what
seems to be the problem?
Janeway: Intruders on Deck 9! [hits comlink] Bridge to
Tuvok! Intruders on Deck 9!
Tuvok: Aye, Captain. I am after them.
[moments later, Tuvok arrives on deck carrying James Bond and
Alex Krycek by the scruffs of their necks. Warf follows
carrying Fox Mulder and Dana Scully in the same fashion]
Tuvok: Hey there, thank you my friend. Now go back to your
own show!
Warf: [nods] Any time. [he drops the two FBI agents and
vanishes]
Janeway: Who are you and what are you doing? And, Tuvok, why
are they here instead of in the brig?
Tuvok: [shrugs] I do not know, Captain. It would only be
logical to ask her. [points to author]
Janeway: Well, Liz, I need an explanation, missy!!
Author: Missy?? I am NOT a little kid! And FURTHERMORE it's
MY story and I CAN! THAT'S why! Now don't make me make you
die in the next scene!!
Janeway: [makes cat claws with her fingers] REEEEEAAAAAAR!
Well, [turns to four newcomers] amyway, who are you?
007: [in sexy Irish voice] My name is Bond. James Bond.
[theme music plays] WHAT THE BLOODY HELL IS THAT? [music
stops, he relaxes] Damn kid! [flips off author]
Author: Is that an offer, James?
[James glares at Liz and shuts up. Meanwhile, John, looking
much calmer, has come back into the galley]
John: HOLY SHIT! Now it's James Bond (the new one too! you
know, Pierce Brosnan?) and Mulder, Scully, and... Krycek?
What the hell is going on?
Mulder: Oh my GOD! Aliens! [looks at viewscreen] What is
THAT?
Janeway: I know, isn't Rygel weird? Looks kinda like Yoda
from Star Wars!
Mulder: No, not him! The thing with the hair and the red suit
and the tentacle- chin- thingys!
D'Argo: [stiffens] I am Ka D'Argo... and who might YOU be?
Another weak human? [mutters] even John is more impressive
in terms of size and strength... [sees Scully] Ohhhh let
me guess. You HAVE to be a Sebacian!
Scully: [looks confused] No, I'm human...
D'Argo: [looks at John and then at Mulder] Apparently the
females of the human species are the dominant, physically
more impressive ones...
[Scully looks nervously at D'Argo. Then, she looks at Alex and
sidles closer to him. Mulder looks jealously at Alex, who grins
and pulls Scully up close to his chest. Scully sighs
contentedly]
D'Argo: [now jealous and a little pride-fallen]Well, who ARE
you? [looks at Alex, Mulder, and Scully]
Mulder: I'm the key figure in an ongoing government charade.
The plot to conceal the truth about the existence of
extra- terrestrials. It's a global conspiracy actually,
with key players in the highest levels of power and it
reaches down to the lives of every man, woman, and child
on planet Earth. So of course, no one belives me. I'm an
annoyance to my superiors, a joke to my peers, they call
me Spooky, Spooky Mulder; who's sister was abducted by
alie-
Scully: [hits him over the head with her revolver and he
falls unconcious] I'm Dana Scully, an agent wi-
John: [suddenly cracks up] SPOOKY AND SPARKY! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!
I LOVE IT!
[All look at him oddly, he falls silent and turns bright pink]
Scully: [shakes her head] As i was SAYING! I'm Agent Dana
Scully with the FBI... and I have no idea what I'm doing
here...
Krycek: I'm sexy.
Scully: No, babe, they want your name...
Krycek: Ohhhh. I'm Alex Krycek. Evil guy and sex symbol
extraoridnare. [bows with a flourish]
[Seven of Nine walks onto the bridge]
John: Ohhhhhh BABY!
Seven: [looks at viewscreen oddly] Captain, what's going on?
There was an alarm... and who are all of these people?
Janeway: I'm not going through all of that again. They aren't
hostile and thats ALL you need to know.
Seven: But who was that guy on the screen, the one who called
me baby?
John: I'm John Crichton.
Seven: [under breath] DAMN he's fine!
Janeway: [looks at Seven surprised] Well, you guys had better
beam over. This conversation is getting a little too
screwy for me to keep track of.
John: Ok
[in the transporter room, Tom is standing by to recieve the
crew off of Moya]
Tom: Transporting now, Captain.
Janeway: Good, Tom, let me know when they are onboard.
Tom: Aye, Captain.
[Tom plays with the transporter consule. Aeryn, D'Argo,
Crichton, and, alas, Rygel, are beamed onto the ship]
Tom: Welcome to the Starship Voyager. I'm Tom Paris. It's
good to meet you in real life. [pushes comlink] Captain.
Janeway: Yes, Tom?
Tom: We have them onboard, where to next?
Janeway: Take them to my ready room. And get Seven and Harry
in there too.
Tom: [looks from John to Aeryn] Shouldn't be too hard [under
his breath] Ok, guys follow me!
[assembled in captain's ready room are Janeway, Harry, Tom,
Seven, Mulder (with bag of ice on his forhead where Scully
clubbed him), Scully, Krycek, James, Chekotay, John, Aeryn,
D'Argo, and Rygel, who is floating in the corner, singing]
Janeway: Well, how did you get here?
Aeryn: We-
John: [interrupts her] We're all outlaws in this part of the
universe. At least me, Aeryn, D'Argo, Rygel, Zhaan, and
Chiana are [launches into opening credits line, looks
constipated] being hunted by an insane military commander!
[voice returns to normal] We can't land anywhere for very
long because this guy named Crais wants to kill us.
[Aeryn has arms crossed and is glaring at John]
Scully: Sexy er... Alex, Mulder, and I were in AD Skinner's
office when all of a sudden we were here. And so was James
Bond...
Janeway: Our scanners [turns to D'Argo] picked up signs of
life all over your ship... almost as if it were alive.
D'Argo: Well, our ship IS alive. Moya is a Leviathan. Her
species lives to serve as transportation for other
organisms.
Janeway: [does trademark] FAScinating. I would like to talk
to you more about it if you don't mind...
D'Argo: No, not at all. Of course not.
[Janeway and D'Argo leave; comparing scanners and notes. Harry
looks at Aeryn, who blushes and smiles. They head for Holodeck
7. Scully and "Sexy" follow so they can find Holodeck 8. Rygel
floats aimlessly out into the halls. Mulder and James leave to
go nap in front of the door. Tom goes to bother B'Ellanna in
engineering. Chekotay retreats to his quarters. (The whole
point of that was soooo obvious.) Seven and John are left alone
in the room]
John: [mentally] THANK YOU!!!
Author: [mentally] You're welcome... actually I just threw
you two together because you were the last couple left.
Trust me buddy, this would NEVER happen in real life as
long as she and VAL KILMER are both alive...
John: [mentally] Hey, F$*# you, ok?
Seven: You know, I CAN read!
[Liz and John both fall silent (which is odd 'cuz they weren't
even talking)]
Seven: Crichton, I understand that you are lost?
John: Yeah, we are.
Seven: Do you want me to help you to "find you're way home"?
[gets closest thing to kinky grin on her emotile borg face]
John: [mouth falls open] Yes PLEASE!
[In the meantime, while John and Seven are "charting their
map", Aeryn and Harry running the holodeck program for
Sandrine's Pub, getting happily smashed]
Aeryn: You know Harry, when I first saw you, I thought you
couldn't be human. John is so weak and, well, you're so...
PERFECT!
Harry: [grins] You mean, you aren't human?
Aeryn: No, I'm Sebacian actually, but don't worry, the main
difference is, we're stronger and cold- blooded. We
still... dance the same way, if ya know what I mean.
[smile smile, nudge nudge]
Harry: Aeryn, maybe we can go back to my quarters and... disco?
[They leave to go YMCA 'til they drop (If you think this is
really about dancing you must be like, mentally 4... or else
you're a guy...)Anyway, you probably want to know what's going
on in Holodeck 8, but you all know that with a combination of
Scully/Krycek, that would make this more than PG13 rated...
lets just say that their "map" is taking them to "funky town".
Now, whatever happened to our two fine and yet annoying
brainless sleeping beauties?]
Mulder: [curled up in ball on floor, suckin thumb and flinching
like a dog] Aliens! no [mutters something that sounds like
"the spam is out there!" (inside joke)]
James: [sleeping with his head pillowed on the base of the
wall, is kicked by Mulder and wakes up] Dammit! Ah,
well... [rolls over and goes back to sleep]
[(Did you really think that those two, no matter HOW cute,
would do something more constructive than sleep without having
a woman around?)
[Rygel floats into the Voyager's galley]
Rygel: [floats over to Neelix] Hello there!
Neelix: [gets scared, wets his pants, and cries like a baby. He
is escorted to his quarters by a couple of last- minute
extras] Waaaaa!
[Rygel goes behind the counter and eats all of Voyager's food]
[in the ready room, John and Seven are finally done and are
putting their "maps" away]
John: Well, we have to get going in a while, I'll probably
never see you again, but remember that I have a revolving
set of fake ID's to aviod paternity suits....
Seven: Alright, that's IT! [turns to author] WHY couldn't
Keanu Reeves be in this movie?
[Liz says nothing, merely smirks. Seven whacks John over the
head with her borg hand- thingy. John runs out of the room,
tripping over James who yells, "BLOODY HELL!" and then goes to
sleep again. John runs around the ship, whisking Aeryn, D'Argo,
and Sparky with him. They go back to the transporter room and
immediately beam back aboard Moya]
Aeryn: JOHN! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR!?
John: Quick story wrap- up...
Aeryn: She's a whore.
John: Liz?
[John is suddenly struck in the nose by a goose (just like
Fabio!)
John: Sorry... [goes to get ice pack]
Aeryn: [follows him] I mean Seven.
John: Yeah, well, Harry's a skank. [more geese fly at his
head] Geez, SORRY!!
[Liz grins]
Aeryn: I hate you.
John: I hate you too.
[they look into each other's eyes and suddenly start kissing
wildly. Aeryn locks the door and they momba'd the night away]
[Moya takes off, leaving the Voyager. Scully and Cotton Candy
er... Alex are returned home, along with James Bond. Mulder was
going to be returned, but on the way he got abducted by some
other aliens and finally found the truth]
Niles: [turns off the TV] What in God's name was that??
Frasier: [snores]
Niles: Damn! [turns to Eddie] What the heck WAS that, Eddie?
[Eddie runs away into the kitchen]
Niles: Ah, well. [turns back on the TV]
TV Announcer: Next on Fox, When Carbon Based Life Forms
Senselessly Gamble Away Their Owners!
[Niles sighs]
THE END
James: That's it?
Liz: Yup... unless you got something else on your mind [evil
grin]
James: Liz, what you said earlier when I fliiped you off...
it WAS an offer.
Liz: KISS ME YOU FOOL!
[and they all lived happily ever after]